Feedback for A Marriage Of States

[Damosel]

For feedback to this thread concerning my FE14 AU series- A Marriage Of States. For those curious about all of the differences of this AU vs. game verse, I have the details posted here.

I welcome comments, opinions, and critiques to the fic themselves! Though know that I'm just writing for fun and probably won't sweat staying 100% accurate to game lore or if you hate the pairings invovled. If it's better for the progression of the plot or I just like it, that's all the reason I need. And well, why would I write YOUR fav pairings? This is my fic, MINE!

I also welcome any talk about general Fates world-building, especially towards the named locations the game gives us. I'm kinda just taking a stab in the dark cause so far I've gotten scraps from the fan-translations, but far less flavor text than I would like.

Ex: in the Hoshido route you find out Nohr needs tributary terriotries because their main land can't provide enough food for the population. Thus I headcanon Nohr has earth unsuited for growing crops, in addition to harsh weather and a short growing season.

Also if you have questions, please feel free to ask here!

Edited August 4, 2015 by Damosel

[Alazen]

Questions:

1. Are you including any 3rd Paths?

2. Are Ganz and MacBeth gone? Or at least seriously reworked? And if you're keeping at least one of them, then does Hoshido have an answer to that character?

Edited August 24, 2015 by Alazen

[Azz]

I really loved it.I honestly can't wait to see more.Certainly a better twist on the Fates story.At first I was hesitant to think it was going to be good with Kamui being removed from the plot but in actuality it is far better.I just hope you are able to show case more characters other then the royals because I would love to see what you do with them.

[Damosel]

Questions:

1. Are you including any 3rd Paths?

2. Are Ganz and MacBeth gone? Or at least seriously reworked? And if you're keeping at least one of them, then does Hoshido have an answer to that character?

1. There will be no characters or plot elements anchored in the 3rd Route- so no Hydra, no invisible monsters, no Kamui, no Aqua, or their moms. Also any characters that're from FE13, not appearing in this fic.

Only thing you could consider a maybe from the 3rd route is the fact that both royal families are dragon-blooded (IE can use Dragon's Vein) and worship the light/dark dragon, but that's more of a background factiods.

2. Reworked Ganz and MacBeth will make appearence, just cause I like using canon named characters when I can avoid OCs. MacBeth will be more of that-one-asshole you have to put up with in court cause you can't just kill him, while Ganz will be a notorious criminal. Rather than generals of the Nohr army/the bane of non-exsistent Kamui.

As far as "characters to answer" I'm not going to write such cartoonishly villianous cardboard cut outs. But Hoshido will have feudal lords who are traditionalist and see the current culture as perfect and the peak for Hoshido, thus want to change nothing- despite problems like caste laws. Also under those laws certain families have risen to power within their own caste- such as merchants, and you bet there'd be monopolies, control of the market, and abuse of power going on- and they wouldn't want things to change. So there will be an ultra-rich and corrupt Merchant family causing trouble.

I really loved it.I honestly can't wait to see more.Certainly a better twist on the Fates story.At first I was hesitant to think it was going to be good with Kamui being removed from the plot but in actuality it is far better.I just hope you are able to show case more characters other then the royals because I would love to see what you do with them.

Glad you enjoyed the read! Thanks, its certainly focusing on what I'm interested in, haha, politics (and kissing). Honestly, I had hopes for the kidnapped-royal premise, but the subplot in FE4 with Altenna did it better. Kamui's just too lynchpin in the game's plot, so my plot planning is made way easier if they're simply not there. The non-royals should be making more appearances as the fic goes on, right now it's a big hulabaloo with the royal wedding- and both families wanting to visit before they're sperated again. I have plans though, many plans for the retainers.

Edited August 27, 2015 by Damosel

[Damosel]

What the hell is the meaning of this?

...

Why has this fic gone unnoticed? I honestly envy your mastery of words, as you exquistively describe the surroundings and takes into account several cultural quirks, showcasing that you have done your research. I can't help but be awed by your description of the wedding gifts and relating them to the political situation in both countries. The food porn is definetly a nice bonus, you should continue with that. Although I felt baffled over your choice of basically throwing the whole premise of Fates in the trash can, in favor of your own original plot, your story-telling merits continued watching.

Honestly, I am jealous. Your writing feels so professional that my own amateur skills are nothing in comparison.

First thing- I'm extremely flattered by this comment. And am SO HAPPY someone noticed the politics involved with the wedding gifts! (I was so worried my descriptions of them had taken over the chapter and would overshadow everything) The food porn I find hilarious cause all the dishes in the first course you are capable of getting in My Castle (well except the green salad), but I'll continue include it where relevant cause writing about food is fun.

Haha, as I said earlier in this thread, initially I was THRILLED that they were making a FE game expanding on the FE4 subplot of Altenna being kidnapped. But after reading all the summaries, spoilers, and supports- I was terribly disappointed how they failed to even live up to the old subplot- at least Trabant didn't stick Altenna in a tower for her childhood and instead raised her as a full on princess. That positive relationship is what makes the revelation and betrayal significant! Pure-hearted Kamui vs. goo monster on the other hand, I just don't care about- thus why I decided to chuck them entirely, and focus on the characters I was interested in.

Glad you'll be watching the fic! And I hope you'll leave similarly observant comments on future chapters.

And don't let that get you down! I've been writing for over twelve years now, and have had plenty of dry or unproductive periods therein- in addition to my writing style having come a loooooooong way from where it started. Aspire rather than compare, and honestly consisdering we're all ahead of the game as far as the FE14 English is concerned, whatever the technical skill level I'd love to see more well-thought out fics (instead pure pairing spam which is what my plot disguises).

Edited August 27, 2015 by Damosel

[Damosel]

Dameceles's story for example, audaciously completely removes Kamui, removing the "choice between two families" and instead just takes the characters and world and sail them into an AU. Doesn't detract the enjoyment as all since her writing is good with much thought into the worldbuilding itself. And food porn. I love em' food porn!

(Just leaving this here to help keep my motivation up)

[Azz]

Just so you know, I read your one-shot of Hinoka and Marx, and I have to say, it was really good.Not just cause of the whole well, profanities, but also you made it be smut but not smut.It was good, it showed that yes Hinoka and Marx have feelings for each other(Which I was worried that they would just not mesh well), Marx really shined in that I felt bad for the guy and Hinoka was just urg.I normally never associated Hinoka with being pretty and elegant, but the way you worded everything made Hinoka seem those things and now I have a whole different view point on her as a character.

Normally I don't like a lot of one-shots for the lack of substance they have and character they have, but yours was well written and quite beautiful and it was not perfect for the characters, it was awkward like the way all first times should be(Well for Marx considering you did point out it was not Hinoka's).So thank you madam for making me enjoy a one-shot and changing my view on a character completely.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Azz

[Damosel]

Just wanted to let you know your comment really made my day, so thank you for leaving it where I could find it!

...it showed that yes Hinoka and Marx have feelings for each other(Which I was worried that they would just not mesh well)...

On this I just wanted to share a bit of my thinking.

For Marx and Hinoka I had the mindset that these are two responsible adults who are reasonably physically attracted to each other and consent to be intimate knowing it’ll set a precedent for the rest of their lives spent together. Neither of them have the temperament for screwy stuff. As for the "feelings" with IAWG I’m taking their romance at a slow burn but not so slow with their time behind shut doors (expectation for heirs and all), if that makes sense?

Both Hinoka and Marx's personalities will come more into play as they grow more comfortable around each other, especially in public situations. And funnily enough I thought the two had so many similarities (dutiful, stubborn, action oriented) that they'd get along well- if they could get past seeing each other as the enemy. Since in AMOS verse Nohr and Hoshido have been at peace for over a decade and are now in an official allience with their crown heirs intermarried to the other royal line, that's isn't as much of a problem! Soon the fic will get into local politics and other things that'll help them work through the culture clash and stand as a united front.

[Rapier]

... Can I just say I'm glad it didn't start like Red Wedding? When Sumeragi insulted Garon and the music started playing, I could swear I was being tricked into a faux peaceful situation again. Please, don't do that

Your writing so far is good, the narration flows well. I really like how you describle things and how your dialogue seems believable and strictly in-character. Hints to a newbie writer would be appreciated. =P

I'm reading chapter 2 as of now. From the looks of it, I'm not sure whether you'll be focusing on each character's adaptation to foreign cultures, political intrigues that will harm the peace both countries tried to settle (say, like FE10's Elincia route), or both. Anyway, I hope conflict springs soon.

[Taka-kun]

Totally missed the update. Too used to ff.net's alert system.

Anyway, I must begin with Hinoka and Marx together unnerves me somehow, since in the game proper they are enemies and seeing them in a happy marriage (night) is an image that not quite manages to fit in my head. I also see that this will be more of a drama style story, concentrating on Hinoka and Marx while the world moves around them, instead of a war epic that FE tries to convey, at least so far. Not exactly my cup of tea but personal preferences aside, I still enjoy all the neat details you describe about the surroundings, which somehow gives me an image of a French Renassiance garden. I don't know whether there is something with my brain (I hope not) or whether there is something lacking in the descriptions. You talk about the architecture well but there is no mention of the perpetual darkness that settles over Nohr. Sure, the architecture of the castle does remind of a gloomy, cold European castle but when Hinoka approaches and ventures out the balcony, the lack of Hinoka remarking about the change of what she sees in the morning (cause I assume Hoshido is all sunshine and pigeons) made me forget that she was in Mordor Nohr. Either Hinoka loves her porcelains or Nohr isn't so dark in your story (both in environment and mood).

I must say I love your portrayal of Jakob/Joker/Archer. That jerkass with no-nonsense attitude but adresses his superiors with stern and cold politeness. That's how he is supposed to be so I am glad that wasn't changed. I don't really get why Cyrus was skirting around the issue when Hinoka first overheard them though. At first I though Cyrus had some secret message for Marx, but then it shifted to him having a problem with Joker. Why should he see Marx? Why couldn't he just confront Joker directly? Was he going to rattle to Marx? Also, I assume Felicia and Flora was shafted, since you had a generic maid in the scene instead of either of them (Flora would have suited in the scene).

Lastly, good job with the world building. I enjoyed you decribing the smaller nations and duchies and their roles. It gave them an unique identity instead of just "that place over there" and there are hints here and there of the geopolitical climate. I don't even remember them that well from the game so you giving them colors is what I love about your fic. And the food porn, I can't stress that enough. Because of course those wyvern-breeders love pancakes! :) What are you gonna do next? Give them a long history of losing (Nah, I kid the French. You guys are awesome).

That part with the necks is quite smart, I never noticed that detail. Seems your Nohr has much more flavor than the canon Nohr.

Well, let's see where this takes us from now on.

[Damosel]

Don't worry, Red Weddings aren't my style. (honestly more characters will stay alive in this verse than in the game's IK route)

Your writing so far is good, the narration flows well. I really like how you describle things and how your dialogue seems believable and strictly in-character. Hints to a newbie writer would be appreciated. =P

I'm reading chapter 2 as of now. From the looks of it, I'm not sure whether you'll be focusing on each character's adaptation to foreign cultures, political intrigues that will harm the peace both countries tried to settle (say, like FE10's Elincia route), or both. Anyway, I hope conflict springs soon.

For description it's can definitely be like painting a picture- using enough brushstrokes that the audience can see your mental picture, but not too many colors that the subject is lost (keeping descriptions practical and minimal is a good rule if you tend to be wordy like I am). As for dialogue, having a very clear image what defines the characters and how they WOULDN'T act is a good foundation. Cause nothing ruins fun dialogue like an out-of-character moment. Also exposition-dialogue, always be careful since unless someone explicitly asks for a place/location/item to be explained people don't tend to ramble on about things (or it's a hallmark of their that they always ramble whether people or interested or not).

When you read the later chapters, I'd love to hear what you thought! There will be politics and conflict...they're just slow in arrival. I'm trying to establish the character relationships before I throw them into the deep end together.

....

That part with the necks is quite smart, I never noticed that detail. Seems your Nohr has much more flavor than the canon Nohr.

Ah, another great comment from Taka-kun! I'm excited~ To answer the above quoted, I've given a lot of thought to the characters design. It can be difficult to take some things seriously (battle panties!?) but other things I've definitely thought could be used to help flavor the culture. The cover-neck being common just seemed to constant to not mention.

Haha, I can see why Hinoka and Marx acting cozy would be a weird picture in the context of the game's at-war canon. In this AU Garon and Sumeragi buried the hatched in Chevalier, so technically Hoshido and Nohr have had a ceasefire/peace going on for twelve years by the time the H/M marriage happens. And this story is more character focused, or rather I'm being extrememly slow about getting around to the other arcs in the plot.

As for the perpetual darkness, I'm definitely going with "Nohr is overcast" rather than the literal pit of despair. (because...how would they have crops at all without ANY sunlight?) But I did try to allude to the light difference with how Hinoka thinks on the 'insolated' nature of Marx's private chamber compared to hers back at Shirazaki, and with this quote:
There was no natural light except what came through the tall, slightly warped glass of the windows- instead candles, sconces, fireplaces, and lanterns were lit everywhere for illumination.
Remarking on light sources being a very common thing. I didn't go into the state of the sky cause I have it slated for when they're exploring the castle grounds and are mostly outside- originally Chapter 3 was going to be the frist of three scenes but it grew enormous so I posted it on its own.
Nohr likely won't seem as 'dark' as I'm going for actual-half-decent-father Garon (instead of goomonster) and will not be going in the direction of war crimes, no thanks.

Joker is a hoot to write. I'm glad you find my portrayal in-character, as the only thing I changed was which master he was fixated upon. As for the start of the conversation Hinoka was listening to, I pictured it going like this (before she got up)
Cyrus, "Joker we need to talk."
Joker, "These are prince Marx's private rooms, you're not allowed inside."
Cyrus, "What, he lets me in all the time!"
Joker, "No. You should leave."
Cyrus, "Hey, don't just walk away!"
And then Hinoka started listening in, I figure Joker was giving Cyrus a hard time by trying to avoid talking to him at all. I like that you mentioned what you thought it might be though- those were some dramatic conclusions!

Felicia and Flora will appear later in this fic, but in this AU their circumstances are different...for reasons.

Thanks! World building is definitely one of the things I'm enjoying with this fic. Since the game doesn't really define the different countries, I'm having fun assigning their culture and exports with what seems appropriate. Heh, I definitely did a little research for the breakfast cause you mentioned enjoying the food descriptions. Chevalier even have a French word for their country-name, it's too appropriate! (and well thinking about it... they don't do so hot on the rebellion side without Hoshido's support)

[Azz]

I read the first part of your two shot Takumi POV and I really liked it.I found it really good and we get to see Ikona, finally!I found it really enjoyable in general and I can' wait for more.

Also, might I ask, how did Ikona die?I don't mind if you wish to leave it up to interpretation and such, but I would love to know.I really just want to see Ikona and Ekaterina delved into more since I hate when they mention characters and then do nothing with them.

Again though amazing and you make me love Hinoka more and more every time I read one of your chapters.

[Damosel]

Glad you enjoyed it! Since Takumi didn't travel to Nohr, I wanted to include him somewhere- and getting a peek into the Hoshido family's past was something I enjoyed writing.

Also, might I ask, how did Ikona die?I don't mind if you wish to leave it up to interpretation and such, but I would love to know.I really just want to see Ikona and Ekaterina delved into more since I hate when they mention characters and then do nothing with them.

I am planning on reveal the exacts on how Ikona died...eventually in IAWG. But since I've revealed how Ikona died in another thread I'll let you know here under a spoiler.

Ikona was killed by a band of ronin within Hoshido.

As to the spoilery exacts of how she died...

The ronin took Ikona and Sakura hostage when they were traveling with a merchant caravan. When the ransom was paid they returned Sakura but kept Ikona demanding more- when the army was sent after them in response the ronin scattered, leaving Ikona behind still chained up. By the time she was found it'd been an irreversibly long time without food and minimal water (I figure starvation/dehydration is not something staff magic can fix), so they basically brought her home to die.

It's left all of Hoshido's royal family really wanting to change the caste system and fix the ronin problem (as well as always being up for going out to kill some bandits).

I also really hate how the mother characters were named and then shoved to the side to make room for Touma characters in game. I totally plan of delving into both of them more! Particularly Ektrina, because she's still alive and in Nohr.

Edited October 9, 2015 by Damosel

[Azz]

Glad you enjoyed it! Since Takumi didn't travel to Nohr, I wanted to include him somewhere- and getting a peek into the Hoshido family's past was something I enjoyed writing.

I am planning on reveal the exacts on how Ikona died...eventually in IAWG. But since I've revealed how Ikona died in another thread I'll let you know here under a spoiler.

Ikona was killed by a band of ronin within Hoshido.

As to the spoilery exacts of how she died...

The ronin took Ikona and Sakura hostage when they were traveling with a merchant caravan. When the ransom was paid they returned Sakura but kept Ikona demanding more- when the army was sent after them in response the ronin scattered, leaving Ikona behind still chained up. By the time she was found it'd been an irreversibly long time without food and minimal water (I figure starvation/dehydration is not something staff magic can fix), so they basically brought her home to die.

It's left all of Hoshido's royal family really wanting to change the caste system and fix the ronin problem (as well as always being up for going out to kill some bandits).

I also really hate how the mother characters were named and then shoved to the side to make room for Touma characters in game. I totally plan of delving into both of them more! Particularly Ektrina, because she's still alive and in Nohr.

Oh I see.How sad.Thanks though for answering.I also can't wait to see Ektrina in action.I kind of picture her as a person you don;t want to get on the wrong side of or she will break you without actually physically hurting you XD but maybe that is just me wanting to see a character like that since I love that type of character who has his/her ways around everything.

EDIT: So I just read you latest chapter and as usual, I loved it. Very well written and just good in general.

I liked how we saw some conflict and racial bigotry. It is nice to know not all are a-okay with the peace. Also I am getting hints of Leo x Zero which I am really liking cause I really wanted it but I was unsure you would do it XD. Also Sakura and Elise are adorable together, it is sas that they have to leave. And even though you have not gone into extreme detail with Ikona and Ektrina, I like what you did with them and now I really wish IS included them too, since there is so many missed opportunities.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Azz

[Taka-kun]

Well I feel terrible. Even though I said I would follow this fic I have been lagging behind on the updates and this when you have bothered to read my opinions and enhance your stories based on it. Unfortunately, this will be an ongoing trend, since RL is a bitch. My apologies. Do know that I will read sooner or later and will probably only stop if you drop something I am really dismayed with, which you haven't so far (to be fair, your entire premise made me frown, but well, here I am).

Fold Childhood Clothes Away

You managed to tweak Hinoka again, very creative with showing her younger years from the eyes of Takumi. First of all, you shattered the image of Hinoka being a combatant and only so, as I believe she is kinda a klutz regarding everything else. I am probably misunderstanding once again, but wasn't there lack of equal rights in Hoshido? How come Hinoka is consulted with administration duties at such a young age (and, from what I can tell, quite good at it)? Aside from her motherly trait, I feel Hinoka here is somewhat... OOC, if you pardon my boldness. Since well, she is very much capable aside from her already canoncial trait of being a strong-willed woman. She doesn't do rash things like mounting a futile rescue with her and her pegasus alone (which is removed, I understand that) and instead is quite responsible and mature and perceptive. Admittedly, I don't know that much about Hinoka and your reverse flanderization might be for the best.

About Takumi himself, while I don't get to see much of his actions himself, his worship of Ryouma (so I believe was in the game) seems to have more focus on Takumi and the non-existent Kamui's role seems to have been taken over by Hinoka. I don't really have any more observations beyond that.

Aside from the characters themselves, I like your extensive description of what-I-believe are Japanese rituals (right down to the blackening of teeth! Ugh!). It makes Hoshido more rigid and unmodern and, IMO, fits them so much more than the idealistic, fantasy wutai in the game. Oh, and methinks Orochi would totally had let them drink some more weren't it for Yukimura. She is such a troll after all :)

Chapter 4

Your descriptions make me think more of Western Europe and Japan more than Nohr and Hoshido, since half of the things you mention aren't known to exist in the FE lore, like hunting dogs. It does flesh them out, but I do think you should put more emphasize on the things that make FE unique, like the wyverns (which I am somewhat dissapointed that you didn't describe, I looked forward to that) and the pegasi, and the erranous term of lances. Otherwise, your story could basically be reskinned and still retain whatever it's good about it. I want to be clear that I am not trying to criticize your story aspect, it's just that this is a fanfic of an established setting and plot, and I do expect more dominant elements of FE. Otherwise, you could just publish a book and I would still read it, no need to waste your excellent ideas.

For example, your explanation of the dark mage garb is superb, instead of just ignoring it entirely and nobody lampshades it. Half-naked mage (well, robed frontline mages as well) is always bypassed in fiction so I am glad you at least did something towards it (though, doesn't Hoshidan spellcasters have almost equally scandalous clothing now that I think about it? Hinoka shouldn't be so surprised.)

Also, I couldn't help but notice your use of "tenma knights". What do you define as knights in your world, as I believe they were supposed to be exclusive for Nohr? I do also look forward to see how Hoshidans are so stuck-up that they don't use horses for combat. Granted, it's unfair of me to criticize you for it since the game was already that way, so you don't need to justify it really. It's just a private sore point for me but gameplay elements take precedence over story elements sadly.

About some of the new characters: I like the contrast between Elise's bright attitude with Sakura's more somber one and it livens up the atmosphere (and provides excellent material for snarking, my favorite type of dialogue). Your emphasis on Hinoka's own appreciation of Elise seems to mirror my own, so I believe that is indeed the feeling you try to convey. Zero is stellar though and I am glad you didn't change him either, with his double entendre and slightly creepy demeanor. The implications between Zero and Leon I have mixed feelings, because I believe Zero is a dedicated retainer to Leon, like Kagerou to Ryouma or Arthur to Elise, and so far, I feel it's somewhat forced. On the other hand, it definitely adds an unique twist with Leon and Hinoka's thought processes was a delight to read.

While I appreciate your details of, well, everything, I feel events are really slow, if anything at all. The most exciting event was the Boldt retinues bold (pun intended) actions, giving us a further insight of the geopolitical climate but I still don't see the spark that might cause the whole snowballing into war. I didn't expect a World War I July Crisis but everything feels too... peaceful. And I think you should have more interactions between the characters, as they are the top moments and gives us a feel of your version of them. So far, they are far and inbetween, since the story mostly deals with Hinoka and her documentary of Nohrian life and times. I think you would benefit with more dialogues.

I feel like a broken record, but... food porn! Man, my favorite in stories are elaborate and eloquent decriptions of either tactics or food (great combination right?) and you always manage to consistently hit one of them. Also, I am unable to appreciate the beauty of songs and poems sadly so the meaning of Lala's singing flies over my head. I am more well-versed with proverbs and sagely words in short sentences to punctuate a particular situation. I am probably mentioning it because I am being brazen of your attention to reader's reviews :) (both Takumi and Leon are well-versed in philosophy, hint hint)

[Damosel]

I also can't wait to see Ektrina in action.I kind of picture her as a person you don;t want to get on the wrong side of or she will break you without actually physically hurting you XD but maybe that is just me wanting to see a character like that since I love that type of character who has his/her ways around everything.

EDIT: So I just read you latest chapter and as usual, I loved it. Very well written and just good in general.

I liked how we saw some conflict and racial bigotry. It is nice to know not all are a-okay with the peace. Also I am getting hints of Leo x Zero which I am really liking cause I really wanted it but I was unsure you would do it XD. Also Sakura and Elise are adorable together, it is sas that they have to leave. And even though you have not gone into extreme detail with Ikona and Ektrina, I like what you did with them and now I really wish IS included them too, since there is so many missed opportunities.

When you wrote your picture of Ektrina way back when I smiled. I'm happy you're enjoying my depiction of the mothers thus far. Yeah, IS really overshadowed the two in-game, but silver lining is I get to depict them however I feel is best!

I definitely picture Eastern Nohr which is closer to the border with Hoshido having a higher ratio of racists compared to the other territories- and as you say not everyone's happy about the alliance/peace with a historical enemy.

Regarding the bolded...

Zero is stellar though and I am glad you didn't change him either, with his double entendre and slightly creepy demeanor. The implications between Zero and Leon I have mixed feelings, because I believe Zero is a dedicated retainer to Leon, like Kagerou to Ryouma or Arthur to Elise, and so far, I feel it's somewhat forced. On the other hand, it definitely adds an unique twist with Leon and Hinoka's thought processes was a delight to read.

I find the different reader reactions interesting. I can definitely see both sides, usually I'm not hot on relationships that involve power imbalances. Though funnily enough Taka your examples of "dedication" rather than "romance" can actually achieve a S Rank while Leo/Zero can at most get A+ in-game. I tease, though assert that romantic feelings do not have to preclude dedication, and I definitely picture Zero as incredibly loyal in serving Leo, whether the ship is your thing or not will be different for everyone. Mostly I included the scene to hint at the fact that cultural attitudes towards marriage/affairs/paramours vary quite a bit between Nohr and Hoshido, a world building aspect I'll be touching on again in the fic in later chapters.

Now I'll be responding to Taka-kun's very thorough comments! (wonderfully long)

Don't you worry about lagging or being prompt with reading. Once the chapter's up, it'll keep! I'd be sad if you didn't comment ever again, but don't feel like you're ever obligated- I write the fic for fun and hope people have just as much fun reading them. No appologies needed!

Though you do have me curious- what sort of things would dismay you enough to turn you completely away?

On topic, re: FCCA (spoiler for long responses)

I'm going to go into the context a bit with my response, cause it really effects my characterization for the AMOS AU.

In game supports definitely claim that Hinoka's most focused on martial skills and lack in the more political/domestic. Personally I find this a failing of FE, it's a trope they like to run with despite the fact that anyone of royal status would be trained in politics and rulerships- whether than were a staff chick or not. Knights and Samurai were both combatants and cultured poets- there's abosultely no excuse for a martially-minded princess not to be the same. (unless she sucked at poetry, but probably you get the idea)

There's definitely a lack of equal rights in Hoshido, especially for inheritance, however going by historical standards the lady of the house still ruled the domestic realm and would be in charge of the castle staff. Even in Japan, when the heads of the house went off the war their wives were charged with defense of the household (which is why the Naginata was taught to women born to samurai families). A BIG factor in this verse is the lack of Mikoto- when Ikona dies there is no adult woman to step in and fill that void, the responsibilities instead fall to the oldest daughter, which is Hinoka.

The rash futile rescue on the pegasus actually hasn't happened yet according to the fic's chronology. The first half ends with Hinoka's annoucement that she's going to train as a temna kight- the event described in Tsubaki's support with her seems to imply she's a trainee at least thus has access to a skyhorse. At this point in the fic she's 13 and hasn't ever ridden a tenma.

Finally, this twoshot is from Takumi's POV and he's an unreliable narrator. So him seeing his sister direct castle staff single-handedly is more a six-year-old seeing big sister suddenly talking with adults all the time (instead of playing games) and seemingly the adults doing what she says. In reality it's more of the castle staff helping Hinoka learn her new position as lead lady for the royal family, doing things like asking if she things like asking if the festival should have red streamers or white streamers (which noble families might agree with the choice or be offended) and obey said choice. Also this particular fic is snippets in time, there's years between the scenes and a lot of context that goes undetailed, in the second half of the fic you'll see more of Takumi's Ryouma-worship (cause Takumi actually might have the worst sib-relationship with Hinoka going by supports).

I simply have the best grip on Hinoka's character thus used it as a crutch when choosing to write the scenes- thus I can see why it comes off as Hinoka-centric, haha.

It's hard to know if I got those rituals right (since it's all conjecture from research) but glad you liked it. Agreed on the tone of Hoshido- and honestly having read Hinoka's supports I'm entirely baffled why she's intirely inapprprioate with chosing to be a warrior is Hoshido ISN'T rigid and unmodern. Orochi totally would've let them party, if wet-blanket Yukimura hadn't been there.

I'd actually wanted to finish the second half of this twoshot before responding, but got distracted writing a FE14 Modern AU oneshot instead. Whoops.

re: IAWG Chapter 4

Honestly a big reason I didn't describe wyverns is I haven't got aclear picture on them in my head yet- playing the game will help, cause right now I'm just picturing all the OTHER styles of wyverns. This paticular chapter was pretty heavy in the flavor text, which I could see being pretty fare from FE fare. But personally this has all been inspired by the idea of Nohr/Hoshido and it's locations, so I wouldn't be comfortable reskinning and claiming it as completely original work. Besides, it's fun to share with other FE fans and see their reactions.

The mage garb (and by extension Camilla's get up) was definitely something I'd wanted to get in from the beginning cause it;s just BAFFLING on a worldbuildign standpoint. Though I couldn't really think of any reason for the warriors and spellcasters being so exobishtionist, so they stay unmentioned. For Hinoka I was thinking it's more Nyx's appearent age (in that she looks like a kid) that bothered her in combination to the stripper-wear. Tsukuyomi is the only spellcaster to have a shirt rather than chest-baring sleeves and I think it's cause he's the shota- so it made sense to me that Hinoka would react to Nyx.

Ah, I think you've spied a mistake I made using "knight" rather than "warrior". The game series itself uses terms like "pegasus knight" and "armor knight" in past games to differentiate the classes, so I think I mistakenly defaulted- though who knows how it'll be officially localized. After all the work knight simply means "mounted soldier".

I'm glad you both enjoyed the contrast of the little sisters! Though this might be the only time in the fic they're seen together.

Hm, this I'm curious about- do you have the expectation of war breaking out? And if so bwteeen whom? And is this because of what you've seen in-fic, or is this outside expectations?

I'll freely admit, things are going slowly. I wanted to explore the wedding week as much as I could since both roayl familys are there and well, that's the very start of Marx and Hinoka's relationship. And well, thing should feel peaceful since in this AU Garon and Sumeragi agreed to a ceasefire instead of Garon ambushing Sumeragi and turning him into a pin cushion. It's a different sort of tone, even for the childhoods the characters have had (at war vs. not). This chapter was deifnitely a long one with walls of description compared to the previous, but I'll probably never have another so long again- I mostly wanted to wrap up the first arc so the plot can move on.

I'm glad you feel I'm paying attention to reader reviews! (I am making sure there's at least some food mentioned each chapter, ahah) And welcome such thorough, brazen comments- though I may continue on as planned rather than altering plot. Lala's song was definitely supposed to be more abstract and open for interpretation. It'll become more obvious later on but some of the wording hints Nohrian attitudes, that "one" flower being loved over the rest is strange. And well, garden theme.

Though I will leave a conflict teaser here for you guys- I'm definitely more inspired by the idea of Nohr fighting internally and being brought to reform (that advertisement for the game which was not lived up to). It's just going to be an extremely slow build cause I have to get to the point where Marx won't follow his father's orders without question.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Damosel

[Taka-kun]

To adress your inquiries:

Don't you worry about lagging or being prompt with reading. Once the chapter's up, it'll keep! I'd be sad if you didn't comment ever again, but don't feel like you're ever obligated- I write the fic for fun and hope people have just as much fun reading them. No appologies needed!

Though you do have me curious- what sort of things would dismay you enough to turn you completely away?

If anything, I say it's a personal code of mine. I am not entirely unfamiliar with the joy of having someone pay attention to your work and praising and criticizing it and how much it feeds into oneself to strive for more, so I make it a mission of mine to give feedback in any way I can, be it fanfic, game or song composition, as long as the creator appreciate it.

I am a very avid reader of historical fiction and my bookshelf is filled with them, ranging from Chinese ancient ages to Napoleonic times. Historical fictions are fanfictions of history after all and I have come to expect that the author portrays it well, which is a mix of accuracy and creative flavor. I loathe when characters I expect to do certain actions, have certain traits or die are entirely deviated from, for flimsy reasons (like "I don't want him/her to die"), since it could make the character superfluous or rob what's good about them. On the other hand, I love it when an author adds distinct flavor to a character based on small and miniscule details, exploring what could have been without altering the "plot".

Keeping within FE, Robin is a character I have seen on both ends of, though sadly more on the negative end. Making Robin a jerk, thunder god/goddess and/or expert swordsman/woman I see as mere self-satisfaction, because none is ever implied in canon material and it doesn't add unique flavor to Robin that couldn't been transferred to someone else. On the other hand, portraying him/her as an expert tactician well-versed in deception and strategical planning expands him/her much more based on the meager details seen in the game while still keeping within realistic ranges and I applaud that.

So well, aside from the setting and characters, most of what made Fates Fates is gone in your fic, even if we only base it on pre-release promotion instead of the mess it became. Removal of Kamui (even if the character needs more fleshing out, cause the worshipping without deserving it bothers me to hell as well) definitely raised my eyebrow, the unique situation from his/her position gone. In that sense, for me it's hard to see it as a fanfic if the general plot is not followed, give or take special scenes of the author's ability and whim.

Hence why I said you could very well have reskinned this and it would still be good. I am not reading this fic because it's a FE:Fates fic, I am reading it because it's good, simple as that. I just twitch because of the names contrast the image in my head, the same way it would in any other fic. Fortunately, you haven't done anything outlandish.

Of course, this is all my personal preferences and I am well aware that others, if not most, disagree with me. Years of reading tends to set the bar high, though I admit I am wholly lost in stories not pertaining war, moral and idealism, my taste being more specialized than broad.

Hm, this I'm curious about- do you have the expectation of war breaking out? And if so bwteeen whom? And is this because of what you've seen in-fic, or is this outside expectations?

I am still expecting Hoshido and Nohr to go to war, for both reasons. Both nations still have strong tensions from almost everybody but royalty and unless the nations keep an India-Pakistan level of communication, small (intentional) mistakes can easily snowball into worldwide war. I am not sure how far I should apply RL logic or just go with MST3K mantra, but there is no balance of power in the world and two major powers right next to each other more than often leads to confrontation, if not expected to do so, without any of the city-states really being able to anything about it, unless they have Venetian level of influence.

I'm glad you feel I'm paying attention to reader reviews! (I am making sure there's at least some food mentioned each chapter, ahah) And welcome such thorough, brazen comments- though I may continue on as planned rather than altering plot. Lala's song was definitely supposed to be more abstract and open for interpretation. It'll become more obvious later on but some of the wording hints Nohrian attitudes, that "one" flower being loved over the rest is strange. And well, garden theme.

I am not really expecting some genius move pulled by Leon or Takumi deviating the whole story but I admit I will be dissapointed if the former doesn't quote Sun Tzu at least once ("Warfare is deception", "Speed is essential in war" etc.) or the latter don't carry the banner of Furinkazan, since both loves tactics and philosophy Takumi/Leon best love support!

[Azz]

Wahhh so good! Chapter 5 was a great read. I don't have much to say but every time I read a chapter, I ship Marx and Hinoka more and more. This fan fiction has become my official headcannon for fates.

Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful piece.

[Taka-kun]

Oh hey, you got around to describing the wyverns! Great! Even if it was small, at least their appearance in the world is starting to be explained and I like that. The wyverns and the pegasi I imagine needs creativity since there are no real RL equivalents without over-the-top mythology and I am not to well-versed with other fictions that describe them as common steeds than mythological beasts. I am not sur if this is the right idea, but it seems to me that the Chevalier wyverns have been cross-breeded to fit the knightly images of noble and beautiful creatures while the others are just allowed to be the black sheep descendants of the ancient dragons. I think it fits well considering what we know of Chevalier's single-minded focus on wyvern knights constratsting Nohr's more varied choice of steeds, in civil and military use.

The explanation of the pegasi's (tenma's?) colors is quite intriguing. It does make me wonder why there are no wyverns in Hoshido when there are pegasi in Nohr (and then the military applications of course, but that's another story).

Oh, and is that Sumeragi quoting Sun-zi? *both thumbs up* (granted, I didn't know the quote by heart but it felt familiar)

Otherwise, I cannot comment much else. While you have solid writing, the heat is pacing off since there is not much happening in your fic so far. I am not into shipping fics so I can't say I am particularly thrilled about the daily lives of Marx and Hinoka. If that is the aim of your fic, very well. But I am afraid I won't stick around much longer then. You do give me delicious bits, but the whole course cannot be appreciated (me and me food)

[Damosel]

Wahhh so good! Chapter 5 was a great read. I don't have much to say but every time I read a chapter, I ship Marx and Hinoka more and more. This fan fiction has become my official headcannon for fates.

Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful piece.

Thanks! And oh my, Marx/Hinoka headcanon status, I'm flattered~ It was another slow chapter but I want to try to get once last quality time moment between the main pair before I started chucking plot into their building relationship.

Oh hey, you got around to describing the wyverns! Great! Even if it was small, at least their appearance in the world is starting to be explained and I like that. The wyverns and the pegasi I imagine needs creativity since there are no real RL equivalents without over-the-top mythology and I am not to well-versed with other fictions that describe them as common steeds than mythological beasts. I am not sure if this is the right idea, but it seems to me that the Chevalier wyverns have been cross-breeded to fit the knightly images of noble and beautiful creatures while the others are just allowed to be the black sheep descendants of the ancient dragons. I think it fits well considering what we know of Chevalier's single-minded focus on wyvern knights constratsting Nohr's more varied choice of steeds, in civil and military use.

The explanation of the pegasi's (tenma's?) colors is quite intriguing. It does make me wonder why there are no wyverns in Hoshido when there are pegasi in Nohr (and then the military applications of course, but that's another story).

Oh, and is that Sumeragi quoting Sun-zi? *both thumbs up* (granted, I didn't know the quote by heart but it felt familiar)

Otherwise, I cannot comment much else. While you have solid writing, the heat is pacing off since there is not much happening in your fic so far. I am not into shipping fics so I can't say I am particularly thrilled about the daily lives of Marx and Hinoka. If that is the aim of your fic, very well. But I am afraid I won't stick around much longer then. You do give me delicious bits, but the whole course cannot be appreciated (me and me food)

Yeah, the tricky part about wyverns is that so far the wyvern-riding characters haven't been as front and center so it just didn't feel as central to explain. (and I went and watched some FE14 vids of gameplay on Youtube to figure out how the game depicts wyvern riders fighting) That theory on Chevalier breeding their wyverns for looks makes sense to me! More appearence concious while Nohr just wants practicality.

The Temna colors idea mostly came from the fact that the Dark Falcon class attached to an item- thus you can access it in both Hoshido AND Nohr. The the fact that normal tenma riders only have white got the ball rolling. I'm not quite sure why wyverns wouldn't move over to Nohr, maybe weather and terrain?

Totally a Sun Tsu quote, just like I snuck one in at the end of Takumi's twoshot.

I wanted to keep from spoilers but since you've been so good about comments, I feel I owe you an explination- at least for the pacing.

There will be wars waged and battle fought. However there's going to be a LOT of build up for them, even the upcoming arc. Mostly cause I'm more interested in the "restoring a corrupt kingdom from within" that the ads teased us with for Nohr as far as plot is concerned, and suspeceful intrigue and politics don't tend to go too fast or the plotters look inept and the action is over all at once. Plot-wise I'm also interested in exploring "domestic problems during peacetime" moreso than on-going war conditions, so you might find things too slow for your taste.

Thanks so much for your constant comments so far, they were always fun to read! And if you wanted, I could let you know when I posted the war/battle chapters, though they might seem abrupt without all the in-between buildup, haha.

[Taka-kun]

I wanted to keep from spoilers but since you've been so good about comments, I feel I owe you an explination- at least for the pacing.

There will be wars waged and battle fought. However there's going to be a LOT of build up for them, even the upcoming arc. Mostly cause I'm more interested in the "restoring a corrupt kingdom from within" that the ads teased us with for Nohr as far as plot is concerned, and suspeceful intrigue and politics don't tend to go too fast or the plotters look inept and the action is over all at once. Plot-wise I'm also interested in exploring "domestic problems during peacetime" moreso than on-going war conditions, so you might find things too slow for your taste.

Thanks so much for your constant comments so far, they were always fun to read! And if you wanted, I could let you know when I posted the war/battle chapters, though they might seem abrupt without all the in-between buildup, haha.

Thank you for the teaser. I will stick around a while longer for the aforementioned plot and make my judgement then. How much plot-building you have inbetween will also tell about your skills, as too long will cause loss of interest and too short will be confusing.

On another note, I took the time to read the last of Takumi's story and I can say for sure that I am much more satisfied with that one, especially Takumi's observant and conflicting view on Hinoka's position and action. I actually kinda hope that he gets more POV, since his chapters screams of a growing adolescene and depending on the timespan of your story, it would be interesting to see how he might mature.

I particularly enjoy your descriptions of the weapon styles, something I have never really considered before. It gives more individuality to each and every character, even if they only got a passing mention (in my head, Oboro is graceful while Kazahana is brutal).

The "win without fighting" part I caught quite easily, being one of the more well-known Art of War quotes (my avatar is a proponent of this quote). I don't whether you planned for Japan-inspired Hoshido to follow the teachings of Sun Tzu from the start or from my prompt but I approve of it regardless. Just to throw in, something that might spice your plot:

Since you plan on a political battlefield, the Thirty-Six Stratagems advocates for backstabbing, deception etc. etc. to be used in such settings, contrasting Art of War's more focus on tactics and strategies of war.

[Damosel]

Wahhh so good! Chapter 5 was a great read. I don't have much to say but every time I read a chapter, I ship Marx and Hinoka more and more. This fan fiction has become my official headcannon for fates.

Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful piece.

Hee, thanks!

Thank you for the teaser. I will stick around a while longer for the aforementioned plot and make my judgement then. How much plot-building you have inbetween will also tell about your skills, as too long will cause loss of interest and too short will be confusing.

On another note, I took the time to read the last of Takumi's story and I can say for sure that I am much more satisfied with that one, especially Takumi's observant and conflicting view on Hinoka's position and action. I actually kinda hope that he gets more POV, since his chapters screams of a growing adolescene and depending on the timespan of your story, it would be interesting to see how he might mature.

I particularly enjoy your descriptions of the weapon styles, something I have never really considered before. It gives more individuality to each and every character, even if they only got a passing mention (in my head, Oboro is graceful while Kazahana is brutal).

The "win without fighting" part I caught quite easily, being one of the more well-known Art of War quotes (my avatar is a proponent of this quote). I don't whether you planned for Japan-inspired Hoshido to follow the teachings of Sun Tzu from the start or from my prompt but I approve of it regardless. Just to throw in, something that might spice your plot:

Since you plan on a political battlefield, the Thirty-Six Stratagems advocates for backstabbing, deception etc. etc. to be used in such settings, contrasting Art of War's more focus on tactics and strategies of war.

Pacing at the start of chapter 6 will likely feel a bit slow, cause both characters are feeling like they're in a rut- but glad to hear you're giving me a chance!

FCCA has a much smaller scope, so the pacing and overall description works more cleanly. I'm really flattered to hear that Takumi gave you that growing adolescent impression. I might do another POV piece with him, if I find the right subject matter- he will show up in IAWG down the line. Kazahana being brutal came from the Takumi/Kazahana supports where as kids she's want to spar with Sakura watching and whalloped him hard, she might actually have graceful swordwork but Takumi never appreciated it, haha.

IAWG is set in Nohr so I definitely have backstabbing and other real politcks planned for the future.

[Azz]

Chapter 7 was amazing!

Blanche is already a favourite character. I also like with what you did with the maids and all being Anna V2.0 being all the same looking.

I feel like Orochi and Ashura will be hilarious. I also question what she was doing with him when Marx left, especially when she seemed to put the key between her breasts XD.

Again, Marx x Hinoka is the best ship.

[Damosel]

Chapter 7 was amazing!

Blanche is already a favourite character. I also like with what you did with the maids and all being Anna V2.0 being all the same looking.

Thanks! Haha everyone seems to love Blanche. And I mean, with generic portraits, same face happens- but why not identical triplets or something?

I feel like Orochi and Ashura will be hilarious. I also question what she was doing with him when Marx left, especially when she seemed to put the key between her breasts XD.

Again, Marx x Hinoka is the best ship.

Those two will certainly be something. And well... like Zero Orochi's got the Capture Skill, so one must wonder- is it her kink? But honestly, she probably just teased him for a bit before getting a promise he'll work with her and won't just run off.

I always enjoy hear OTP approval~

I hope I'm not pestering, but... what'd you think of Zero in Chapter 6?

[Azz]

Zero was fine.

In fact I forgot to post about Chapter 6.

Overall, Chapter 6 was amazing. I like the hint that Zero was part of that blue gang that is no longer operating (Or at least I believe that was hinted at XD). I also like with what you did with Ganz. I felt his place as one of Garon's main men was weird.

And may I say, Elfie and Joker make the weirdest couple ever but it is amazing and I can't wait to see what you do with other couples.

(I remember seeing you post some pairings on the Fan Fic thread in the Fates section and a lot of them seem weird at first, but now I can't wait to see how they work (Like Drage and Yuugiri, very unexpected)).

Sorry for not being as detailed on Chapter 6, it has been a while since I read it.