False Prophet
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A song worth to die for being sang by a voice worth to live for - That is all I can say.
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Since the contest is over, I posted this story on Fanfiction.net with minor changes due to the localization.
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Congratulation comes first! It's glad to see that the winners get what they truly deserved for all the hard work! And the forum staff, too, for light up the whole community!
Oh, if you're done with the Hall of Fame, when shall the "Hall of Shame" be posted - A.K.A good works that did not make it?
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My work is "For the Living", and like everyone else here, I have a lot to gripe about.
1. It's too cryptic: It's a problem with all of my shorts. I always want to convey a bit of symbolism and mystic into my work, but the result ends up as too incomprehensible every time. I'd say that I have a problem with distribution: I give too much description but too little explanation; and even so, I couldn't evoke much of the imagination of the readers to "fill the void".
Also, like I has said before, because this work is extracted and modified from a bigger story of mine (basically chronicallized and merged all three routes into a coherence story), its context is left much in the shadow,
To sum it up, I wanted an equivocal work, and instead got an abstruse one.
2. It's too prolix: I write this story, like many other of mine, in a "snapshot" style - that is, individual scenes that would only be linked together in the last part of the story. However, as said earlier, the story is very much connected to my unfinished epic, so many parts of this structure are quite redundant from the standpoint of a standalone story. For example, Meldorn's comment points out that the conversation between Soleil, Caeldori and Ophelia is a major distraction and doesn't make much sense; a point which I agree wholeheartedly - I have to rewritten the talk two time, each of them would had led to extremely different courses of the story. My desire to include everything is largely to be blamed.
On the writing itself (and I'm surprised that no one has pointed it out yet), it's too monotonous and too rosy. For some paragraphs, like the fight between Ryoma and Xander, the purple prose works just fine; however, others require to be very clear and colloquial, something that I failed.
3. It was written without the audience in mind: I admit it, I has high hope for the story and intend to participate into the competition for the prize; however, because I was very much writing for myself, it failed.
(You may recognize this is the real culprit to the above two flaws.)
No, it doesn't mean that I'm criticizing the voters, but this failure gives a lot of food for thought. The fact that not many of us are familiar with the story of Fates and avoiding the spoilers by all mean possible should had been taken into account; as well as how a lengthy (6000 words) story might discourage the members who had little time to check out dozens of entries.
I believe in the merits of "Art for the People", and if I want my future projects to make an impact on the readers, I should really get to know them first.
On the other hand, I'm extremely happy with how the event as a whole has been going on. Everyone is so polite, honest and helpful - If you have wandered between so many game forums, you would extremely appreciate those qualities. It means that we are a mature fandom.
Maybe I should try my luck for the next year. How much does everyone want to know what happened to Azel and Tailto after the Battle of Belhalla?
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Can anyone please explain to me the important of this year's Super Tuesday? I kind of get the general idea, but fail to see how critical it's really be, especially for this particular race.
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Sorry x3
Apologies if it seems like I'm having a bad attitude, I'm not trying to seem that way. This is a bit crushing to me, though. I've been writing for ten years, I have a 480-page novel, an unfinished novel, about 50 or so short stories varying between 8 and 30 pages in length, and two separate idea sheets (one for stories and one for characters) in my computer. But I've never felt any of it was very good. You would think that after ten years of practice, writing, re-writting, editing, looking for and receiving advice, etc., you'd improve at least a little! But not so in my case. It just seems like I'm no good and I'm really struggling to keep up any motivation.
That sounds really harsh, especially to ears of a hopeful-writer like me.
But hey, why should you or me stop writing? At the very least, like Anne Frank had said:
"I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn."
I can not say that literature is either more important to the author or the reader, but I do know that the act itself is a soothing and meaningful experience.
And, you do have someone to receive advice from!
P/S: Now my story ("For the Living") has five votes! Bye-bye the dream of the 3DS, but I'm nevertheless graceful for your supports!
Maybe I should plan for next year. If they organize something like this again.
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First off, great job! This is extremely good for having been written in a day. Heck, this is really good for a week's worth of writing. In terms of quality, you have little to worry about. Your execution of the setting and mood--that feeling of post-war trauma where the world is still dazed from conflict--is excellent. Your writing all throughout was thoroughly enjoyable as well. Like Balcerzak, I felt like the word choice was rather complicated--I had to look up quite a few words too--but that's not really a problem. It's impressive, but it breaks the flow of your reader's attention if they have to look too many words up xD.
While the quality of the writing rarely falls short, the context of the writing and its plot progression were a bit confusing at times. Seeing that the entirety of the plot is the ceremony and the day leading up to it, your piece was incredibly strong when it focused on that event specifically. The atmosphere was perfect. However, when you broke that focus, it was a bit disorienting as a reader, especially since most of your readers are not familiar with Fates. In an otherwise emotional piece about a single event (the funeral) and the atmosphere surrounding it, Soleil's scenes were distracting to me, and drew my attention and emotion away from the tragedy and to what appeared to be a subplot. I didn't know where you were going with those scenes, as they had little bearing to the main plot event, and by the end I still didn't know how they affected the narrative. It seemed like a parallel storyline, not one that weaved into the first. And at that, a parallel storyline that was not as emotionally impactful as the main event. Again, your writing was not bad at any point in this story. It was amazing, and I'm low-key jealous xD. What's more, I haven't played Fates, so I might just be confused because I don't understand the context of the story. I just think it might have been more impactful if you hadn't drawn the reader's attention away from the weight of the death in question, and to an event with little bearing to it. If Soleil is important to the plot, it would be helpful to clarify how she ties in, beyond being the lover of a main character's child. In terms of the other scenes, I found the eldest siblings' sparring match only mildly distracting, and the tavern scene fit in perfectly. It's mostly the scene of the three girls talking that seemed out of place--a gossipy, girly scene amidst funeral preparations. And it certainly seemed strange to end on that subplot with your last scene after the supposed climax of the funeral.
Hopefully that helps a little bit. All that to say, the story is awesome. With a little more emotionally consistency and a bit more context for the reader (if that's possible without breaking the flow of your narrative), I think it would be perfect. In fact, all the extra scenes that found their way into the story reminded me of a novel. It feels like this is just a small snapshot of a larger story that we can't see at the moment. If all these different subplots had been developed on their own, and were simply being referenced here, they would totally work. Because again, even in the scenes unrelated to the funeral, the writing is great. And it feels like all these scenes work together. But with the information I have, I just can't tell how they all relate. Seeing that I have no context of the larger story, it's just hard to put the pieces together. Even that gives the piece a sense of mystery that lends to its atmosphere. You don't know exactly what's going on or what has happened--you're just experiencing the raw emotions of the characters. That's the strength of the piece, so I would be wary about changing much. Just a little hint of context here and there should clue us in without spoiling that sense of mystery :P. A sentence here and there, subtly explaining relationships between characters, or previous plot events you're referencing, should do the trick.
Goodness, I'm wordy right now. I'm gonna stop. Again, awesome job--and take all that with a grain of salt, because I loved the story. Hopefully this helps a bit.
EDIT: Just saw your post saying this is part of a larger story of yours. That would explain the cohesiveness of your writing and why it all the scenes feel like they make sense together even if I have no clue why xD.
You're spot on! I also don't like the part with Soleil, Matoi and Ophelia - I'd have removed it if not for the end of the story calls for an explanation on how did Soleil get pregnant.
(In the original, Shigure asked Hana - Corrin's concubine/second wife to take the throne, while he himself traveled to the realm of the divine dragon. But going with that ending would make the work an even bigger quagmire.)
Oh, and the praises shouldn't fall solely on me. I did asked two of my good friends from the fanfiction.net community to proofread it, both of them are highly accomplished writers of their own: SuperiorDimwit and Wavehawk00
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Awesome story! Would you mind if I posted some constructive feedback?
In fact, I'd be extremely graceful if you do that!
As far as spoilers go, I can't comment for sure, but it certainly feels like there are some in there.
As far as the writing, it's really weird to me. There a lot of places where it's done really well, and catches me by surprise using vocabulary I've never heard before, and have to look up to make sure is correct. But then in other, really simple places, it trips up over itself.
Also, it could be my unfamiliarity with Fates, but on more than one occasion I found myself completely lost and unable to follow what was going on.
Can you tell me where is the problem? I'm also not very satisfy with the quality of the work (it was written down in less than a day, too haste for my pace).
I voted for this story! It's surprisingly original! And it managed to make me lost!
Can you please make a short summary?
Thank you!
The short version: After the battle with Anakos, Corrin was killed in a moment of carelessness by the dragon in his last breath. By his request, he was put on a leaked boat and left to be submerged into a certain lake (where Aqua should had suicided there)
The story deals mainly with how his comrades and family deal with the death of a close one. In the end, everyone moves on, with different levels of difficulty - especially his children. The italic part on the start of the story is when everybody surrounded Corrin's body, while Kanna went berserk. Shigure used Yato to stop his sister, and succeeded; however, the sword rejected him outright.
(It's the Lunar New Year in Vietnam, so what is better to write about the triumphant of life? Specifically, it was written around the date of the Vernal Commences/beginning of spring in the lunar calendar.)
There are some parts (e.g Aqua and Flora live, the latter even married Jakob, e.t.c) that may come as unfamiliar to you. That is because this work is extracted and modified from a bigger story of mine (basically chronicallized and merged all three routes into a coherence story). So yes, the story has another layer of inherent cryptic beside the author's intention,
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...No vote for me...
(Crushed by despair)
...Anyway, there seems to be a huge gap between the contestants: There are those over 30 or 40, and others less than 10.
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Does this story have major spoilers for Fire Emblem Fates?
No, not really. Just the tidbits that you can read pretty much everywhere online.
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The premise is simple, but if you put it in the context, it makes an impact for the story..
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The writing shows potential, but I think there are more that could had been done with the arrangement and the pacing.
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Really liked this line:
"For now, it was a labyrinth of life"
(And the song lyrics)
And the "Marx" name reference was amusing. :3
Glad you like it!
But the "Labyrinth of Life" thing isn't a reference to Persona Q, if anyone come to think like that.
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Why not the Ganglari or Demonic Ganglari?
Like I said before, this idea is still very vague. In the case it becomes an initiative, we will have to make a poll to decide which blade to recommend,
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Which one? I haven't played the game, so no spoilers please, but I know of two forms: the basic one, and the crazy Omega one shown off in smash bros that's basically a magic chainsaw. I'm assuming we're not talking the omega one then.
The decision doesn't rest solely on me. If Serene Forest members are into this together, I think we'll have to make a poll.
However, you're partly correct. I'm kind of afraid that Omega Yato is too intricate for they to make in a short period of time, and they post a new video in every two weeks.
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Some of us must be familiar with Man at Arms: Reforged, an Internet show about forging replica of exotic fictional weapons. They are the one who forged Falchion back in 2013.
So, IMHO, why shouldn't we request him to forge Yato? Given, I'm not really sure how to do it (they seem to count the number of comment on their youtube videos and facebook page, and some have made requests through videos); but if a lot of us write a request at about the same time, there is a chance that our voice will be heard.
The idea is still very vague in my head, so I want to hear all of your opinions of this!
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1. What routes are you working on? Is it an amalgamation of all three? Is it an alternate universe style retelling?
- The second one, with Hoshido and Nohr's stories happen independently before unite to Touma
2. What notable changes would you make to the plot?
- Twin Kamui. The male (Kamui) joins Hoshido, and the female (Corrin) chooses Nohr as a part of their plan to find out about the truth. And Revenge. Oh, and the twins played the two kingdoms' forces like chess pieces. The aim is to kept no everyone alive before they are done with their plan.
- Corrin staged a real populist rebellion to dispose Garron. However, she was defeated and Xander was ordered to take her head by his hand. Cyrus arrived on time, though. In the end, Nohr became a constitutional monarch.
- Kamui was exiled from Hoshido because he ordered Aqua to deliver Elise's cure to Nohr. It's during this wandering period that he discovered Gunther was still alive, and the invisible Kingdom.
- The reason that both sides (not the Royal Families', but the common consensus of their respective government body) agreed on a joint skirmish against Touma is simply because they want to take over the land after Anakos was gone. During the Revelation route, many traitorous acts had been committed by both sides, but thankfully they came to an understanding.
- Corrin contracted the same "plague" of Akenia that has driven many Manakete, including Anakos, to fell into insanity. However, after the final battle and her brother sacrifice, she was cured. Shigure passed on the throne of Touma and Kanna to his aunt, while himself wandered the outrealm.
3. What notable changes would you make to the characters?
- Corrin: A "Woman Woman" - not unscrupulous, but selfish. Not wicked, but manipulative. Not evil, but ambitious. She usually only focused on her own scheme (which do have a good intention), rarely considering everything that happen to others - excluded those really close to her (Charlotte had several time nearly hit the fan because the stayed on Corrin's bad side, and therefore, her favorite to send into suicide missions.) However, after taking the role of a rebellion leader, she slowly changed; and by the time she once again joined force with his brother, Corrin had became a full-fledged leader (imagine Lucina after joining the Shepherd).
- Kamui: The polar opposite of his sister. At first, he was a naive men (he spent his whole life inside a tower, so his view is, of course, from the cloud down). Then, becoming a Hoshido prince-general, lord of a turbulence domain, the hero that established a centralized system that united Hoshido and put all power to the golden throne of of his emperor brother, the second conspirator of a continental scheme, and a widowed father had worn him down. He realized that life was a webs of benefits, interests,.. not ideals. In the end, he was broken, to the point nearly becoming Anakos' monster (while his sister is the one contracted the madness). His sacrifice in the end could be seen as an act of redemption.
- The children: Just some tidbits:
+ Shigure turned into a dragon for once
+ Kanna used her mother's pendant in an attempt to end Sumeragi's foul existence, but the song backfired and we have an act focused on everyone racing on time to save her.
+ Deere's relationship with his father became even more strained as Joker kept his obsession over Corrin even after he had married Flora. He decided not to become a butler, instead joined the Ice Tribe.
+ Shinonome was denied by his own maternal grandparents, and in the eyes of many, he was the son of the traitorous Crimson who exchanged Chevalier from one hand (Nohr) to another (Hoshido).
- Anakos, the disposed Manakete (this I planned for the prequel of this, which is a crossover): In the Divine Dragon tribe, there exist a rule: A divine draon must marry a divine dragon. Anakos is the result of the union between a water and a divine dragon. He was exiled by his own kin, traveled through many continents by the gates (for example, he jumped right into the middle of the Scorching). After witnessing man and dragon fight over and over again, he grown bitter and made himself the his own realm (the secluded regions). However, something made him change his heart and decided to live with the human....
4. What notable changes would you make to the setting?
- Themes:
+ War = Human = Logic + Madness
+ Is "family" simply means those related by blood to you?
- Nohrian and Hoshidorian was created by Ashunera as part of an experiment. After her mistaken intervention into the matter of mortals on Tellius, the goddess wanted to decide whether getting rid of her feelings would be a good choice. This is the start of the two kingdoms' eternal and illogical hatred to each other, as influenced by Chaos. Ashunera of course came to the conclusion to split Yune from her. And the human on this continent was left to perish in the flame of war. However, Anakos came as the savior. He taught human of knowledge, magic, art,... civilized them. However, because Chaos's influence could not be fully ended, Anakos set up Touma as a "buffer zone" between the hostile Hoshido and Nohr, while passed down his dragon blood to as much people as possible to strengthen them before Chaos. That was how the continent entered their most prosperity period...
(The trace of polytheism is still visible in Hoshido, where they established a system which the Dawn Dragon is the supreme god, Ashunera and various other figures - even Formotiis became lesser guardian gods.)
- Nohr is a country on the verge of a Rennaisance/Industrial Revolution. As science and trade growing, there is a chance of the country moving from an agrarian to a industrial society. This, of course, upsets the old lords. The forces of Feudalism and Capitalism constantly faced each other (from this platform that Corrin launched her revolution), and the only way for the country to burst into a civil war is to target their hatred to the old feud with Hoshido.
- Hoshido is no better. While there is appearance peace in the land, it isn't brought by a united, competent government, but simply because none of the warlords is strong enough to gain victory over other. It wasn't like this decades ago: King Sumeragi's first wife and Ryouma, Takumi, Hinoka, Sakura's birth mother was killed when an allied forces of lords stormed the capital and chased their emperor out. The war was ended thanks to Mikoto, Yuugiri and Yukimura, but hatred still shimmering - it's rumored that king Sumeragi's death has a hand of a traitor on it...
- Both Nohrian and Hoshidorian are freaking racist. Their favorite puppets are the fox, the wolf people and four tribes, not to mention each other. However, since Mikoto took the power, many reforms had been made, segregation was outlawed and the racist practices from conscious turned into unconscious. The situation is much worse in the Nohr, where the Lords directed the people's hatred to the minorities, while promoted a "supreme race" theory (encompassing biological, economy, politic, and art.) The aim is to keep the state as is it.
5. Do any characters die?
Surprisingly short:
- Aqua
- Kamui
(On the bright side, Flora lived after set herself on fire! And Crimson, too!)
6. Do you introduce any new characters?
- Well, I'm thinking a way to fit Cipher's extra character in.
7. Are any characters going to be cut?
- No. I want to exploit the full potential of every character.
Now thinking about this, my idea is kind of banal.
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Why haven't I recognized this sooner?
Corrin's dragonstone is given to him by Azura, right? So first, where did she get that? Or Kanna's stone?
And more importantly, if memory serves me right, isn't FE6 hinted that Dragonstone is a crystallized form of individual Manakete's unique power - a self (the process that Lilth and Anakos "heart" were born can be described as similar)? So does that make Corrin's power simply "borrowed", just like Tiki with any other dragonstone beside her divine one?
(However, In the video of chapter 5 released a few days ago, Aqua said "... This Dragonstone is attuned to you..." That may denies my above theory.)
Also, since this continent only has one type of Divine Dragon, so it doesn't matter that much? Then how did many dragonstones show up here? Does this mean this land was once roamed by a lot more Manakete than today?
Finally, a penny for the thought: If Manakete in this continent can not craft their own dragonstone, then in the case when all "natural" stone is lost and a "plague" similar to the one in Akenia (the same that infected Anakos) that makes all dragon goes mad, what will happen? Since there aren't none "pure" blooded Manakete any more beside Lilth after Anakos is killed, there maybe a silver chance that Corrin's descendant will have enough human blood to make them unable to transform, or at least keeping them sane (for a longer period of time).
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Don't know if anyone has posted about this, but when I played Eliwood's tale (I paired him with Fiora), this is what I came across:
And this isn't the only one. In Raven's tale, part 2, Heath said in his conversation with Priscilla: "garantee" instead of "guarantee"
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Haven't we already got Lodestar and Great Lord already ? (Which, I admit, are the least favorite of mine.)
I'm still waiting for anyone, I mean, ANYONE, who has the bright idea of making a Halberdier DLC.
Anyway, if Lucina is included, Robin will definitely tag along - which isn't that great unless they take their time and flesh out a lot of the materials.
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The GBA games had a lot of 1-2 tile wide passageways in maps where that passageway is the only or quickest route through the chapter or the alternative path is on the other side of the map extremely far apart. It meant if you did play slowly the fighting ends up restricted or the passageways get clogged by enemies and ups your turn count as it restricts how much combat you can do per turn and progression through the chapter. The gap can be so big between quick and slow playstyles because playing slow creates more situations where these routes get blocked and adds more and more turns.
http://www.fireemblemwod.com/fe6/guiafe6/cap8.htm
http://www.fireemblemwod.com/fe7/guiafe7/capitulo16efe7.htm
http://www.fireemblemwod.com/fe8/guiafe8/capituloeph9fe8.htm
http://www.fireemblemwod.com/fe8/guiafe8/capituloeph13fe8.htm
Take the ones I've linked to for example in the indoor chapters you literally couldn't move them all around the map because of the walls and bottlenecks, every character has to take the same paths with bottlenecks to the end. If an enemy or two gets in the passage and d in 1 or 2 rounds your entire army cannot progress any further(missing an enemy in one of these can be a killer to ranked runs of FE7) even if there were enemies behind it that they could take on, the outdoor chapters are similar with water or mountains instead of walls which is how even the weaker flying units can get rated quite highly. Fates while still having those kind of objects usually has the maps be a bit more open or multiple fronts.
Makes sense. And I suppose that I'm an aerial player now, thanks to Awakening. Usually an arrowhead formation with Dark Flier (Gale Force) and Wyvern Lord.
Also, is it me or do Pair up and stacked Rally also push the pace?
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One thing I notice during my playthrough of Fates is that it feel a lot less restrained compare to older titles. I admit that I'm a very cautious and orthordox - moving the army as a big mass, baiting, etc. It's no wonder my turn count of 6, 7 and 8 all exceeded 300. But with Fates, the pace is much more faster. I usually divided my army into two for princer attack and moving them all around the map, something that I'd had never done.
Does this mean the game now focused on individual, powerful units? To me, it isn't - I care even less for stats than I used to (which was already minimal). Not to mention that there is no weapon durability. I don't have to worry about sequence of attack anymore.
So why did this happen? Is it because of the map (I did the same in FE4), world map, calculation, reclassing, or?
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Continue
Rank and file: Organized into provisional regiments, each station in a specific domain. Every village is expected to provide a specific number of young men (in feudal Vietnam, it's usually 1-in-5. Don't know about the other countries, though.) It's like modern compulsary duty, but the men spend most of their life still working on the fields - combat drill courses are organized regularly after a specific number of time.
As Hoshido military itself can't and don't want to cross the border (extended marching and long periods away from home can dwindled any conscript). That means it's a fully defesive forces, fighting on its own ground. Guerilla warfare always favors those of the natives that can supply themselves, organized into irregular (but not unorganized) forces that can be set up as easily as to disperse.
An arguable point, because of Birthright scenario. I'd say that their resistace failed after a short time is, not because that they didn't know how to fight as guerillars, but because most of they don't have good leadership to begin with. Cordinating, while very important with an unified army, is crucial between various small groups. That is because of the imperial Japanese military structure has, unlike very few and elite officers - the top tail of the ability distribution (cognitively and physically), and trained in an extremely demanding academy. First- and second-line leaders were invariably NCOs, promoted into leadership positions (and trained for those positions) based on ability and proven performance.
This mean the government couldn't made an organized resistance by dispersing its officers into the rural areas, because their aren't enough. If you're lucky, there will be one or two retired soldiers in your village. But putting the responsibility solely on the hands of the farmers isn't good enough, as between villages there will always be bad blood (for example, Ninja originated from Iga because various conflcts between villages fighting for the sparse flatlands between the mountains.)
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It's confimed to me: The story pace is going to be even slower than P4. Expect a lot of romcom.
Historical Revisionism
in Serious Discussion
Posted · Edited by False Prophet
So what is your opinion on any schism?
Anyone here is a Restorationist?
Anyway, the situation in Vietnam is pretty bizarre. I wouldn't say that it's purely Historical Revisionist, but the common history books skim a number of events that make the Communist Party looks bad (for example, there is not a single word about the 1964 Brinks Hotel Bombing even thought there is a tablet of memorial at the site.) The Geneva convention was implied as being violated by both side, however.) That, and the personal-cult of Uncle Ho, which had decreased in the last few years. I don't know if things are the same in China.
Also, why we are at it, are there any philosophical aim to history revisionist - I means, not to make a specific thought system look bad?