VincentASM Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 As a chief, one must have skills I think "as chief" or "as the chief" might sound better. and also providing a shoulder to lean on for his friends I think there's a unneeded tense change, should probably be "and also to provid(e)..." Gerik's scar is his pride and yet he doesn't like telling other about it "Telling other(s)" and look at what the life the knight had spared was able to experience because Gerik was still alive. I think this could be worded better, but I don't have any idea right now. Basically, they're talking about Gerik's life in the first place, but it doesn't sound like it from the end. Otherwise I think it looks good. I'm a little tired right now though, so I might have missed some stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eltoshen Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 (edited) Summary Gerik is a well built man who takes pride in the scar across his face. He is the chief of his own mercenary group, taking charge of Ewan, Tethys, and Marisa. As the chief, he must have applicable skills; in Gerik's case, his skills are the ability to understand a woman's feelings, keep the young motivated, and also to provide a shoulder to lean on for his friends. Others around Gerik see him as a likable man who emphasizes his care for his companions. Bio Gerik became a mercenary on a whim. His friend, Zabba, had expressed the joy he would have in becoming a mercenary, and would one day leave for Jehanna to fulfill his dreams. Gerik, not wanting Zabba to get hurt, would eventually follow him and join the same guild Zabba had joined. One day, Zabba is killed in action. Gerik had lost the reason why he became a mercenary in the first place. However, interacting with other people and becoming friends with them gives Gerik a reason to continue his life as a mercenary in hopes of not allowing them to share the same fate as his friend had. It is revealed in one of Gerik and Saleh's conversations that Saleh had killed Zabba. Gerik tells Saleh that he had thought of avenging Zabba's death, but fighting alongside Saleh had allowed Gerik to respect him. Gerik forgives Saleh for killing Zabba by telling him that he trusts him, as that's his job as a friend. Gerik's scar is his pride and yet he doesn't like telling others about it. However, when Tethys asks, Gerik states that he got it as a novice, while he was so confident in his abilities that he thought nobody could best him. To his surprise, he was crushed effortlessly under the strength of a mysterious knight. The knight had spared his life due to the expression of fear Gerik had exerted. Gerik believed that the scar was his punishment for being full of himself and his own skills. Tethys, however, sees it in another light. She makes him realize that he wouldn't have met her or anybody else, for that matter, if he were dead. She tells Gerik that he should see through the past pain, and look at what the life the knight had spared was able to experience because he was still alive. Gerik lets his fears calm and tells her that he'd be able to sleep soundly from then on. As for his life of romance, Gerik has two ladies that seem to be more important than the rest: Marisa and Tethys. After all, it is due to these two women that he decides to settle down, instead of leaving behind his life as a mercenary. ____________________________ Multiple endings are hard to write, without favoring one side over the other at least. >_> Hopefully I didn't screw that up. Edited January 8, 2009 by Eltoshen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eltoshen Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 I changed the ones you mentioned and for the last one, I just changed the "Gerik" at the end to "he". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VincentASM Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 As the chief, he must have skills Actually, now that I think about it, this still doesn't really make sense. It kind of sounds like he must have skills like taking out two enemies in one sword stroke, or knowing how to follow animal tracks. Well, looking at the following sentence, it probably does mean that. So maybe it's just me. In any case, I'll have a think about it. His friend, Zabba, had expressed the joy he would have in becoming a mercenary, and would one day leave for Jehanna to fulfill his dreams. This is just me being lazy (to read the FE8 supports), but who is the first "he" in the sentence, and who does the last part (after the comma) refer to? However, interacting with other people and becoming friends with them presses him to continue his life as a mercenary I was going to mention this earlier, but I didn't know what exactly is wrong. I think you need to alter it to "presses him (on)". I'm not completely sure though. Gerik lets his fears calm and tells her that he'd be able to sleep soundly. The last bit could probably be described better. Maybe you need to change it to "he('ll) be able to sleep soundly (now)". Actually, you could probably keep the "he'd". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eltoshen Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 For the Zabba line, it still refers to Zabba since Zabba is the one who first heads to Jehanna. Gerik follows shortly afterwards. For the sentence after that, I changed it to "gives Gerik a reason to" Last correction: I tried rewriting it a bit. As for the first correction: I thought it'd be pretty important to have skills, both socially and physically, if they were to become the one in charge. Normally those in charge have those qualities; or should. Too bad the "bad corrupt political leaders" throughout the series ruined it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VincentASM Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 As for the first correction: I thought it'd be pretty important to have skills, both socially and physically, if they were to become the one in charge. Normally those in charge have those qualities; or should. Too bad the "bad corrupt political leaders" throughout the series ruined it. Ah right. I thought it meant that at first. How about adding "relevant" (sp?) before "skills"? I don't know if it'll make much difference though : o Last things I think. It is revealed in a conversation Gerik had with Saleh that Saleh had killed Zabba Maybe change the start to "It is revealed in one of Gerik and Saleh's conversations that...". It sounds a tiny bit awkward right now, maybe because you have two "had"s in quick succession. He believed that the scar was his punishment for being full of himself and his own skills. Forgot to mention this earlier. You might want to replace "He" with "Gerik". I think enough time's passed since he mentioned his name directly, and it also prevents readers from thinking you're still talking about the knight. If you have no more additions, I think I can start making a page for it : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eltoshen Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 I used "applicable skills" since it basically means "[appropriate] skills". Or ones that can be used... I changed everything else. I think I'm done, unless I've missed something major. o-O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VincentASM Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Alright, it's up : D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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