Nephenee

[Emblem Lugh]

English name

Nephenee

Japanese name

ネフェニー (Nefenii)

Class

Halberdier » Sentinel

Title

Relentless Halberdier

Age

Unknown

Country

Crimea

Relations

-

Summary

Nephenee is a country girl from the village of Ohma in Crimea. She joined the local militia to protect her home and the fields. She does not converse much with others; she is afraid someone will hear her strong country accent and laugh at her. Because of her shyness, she keeps her face mostly covered by her helmet.

Bio

Path of Radiance

Nephenee is first introduced to the story as a prisoner locked up in Canteus Castle. After a skirmish, Nephenee, along with the other prisoners, are finally saved by Ike and his mercenaries. After her rescue she swears her allegiance to Princess Elincia and begins to fight by her side. She returns to the countryside after the Mad King's War.

Nephenee’s conversations with Brom reveal that she has five siblings: two sisters and three brothers, with the brothers being six-year-old triplets. Her mother cares for them all alone. These conversations also explain that the reason Nephenee and Brom were captured was because their militia was poorly equipped, having to share weapons with others who joined. They lacked good training as well, as they were really only taught how to stand for roll call. It is also made apparent that Nephenee is self-conscious about her way of speaking, as she has a heavy southern accent, also shown during one of her chats with Calill.

Radiant Dawn

About 3 years after Queen Elincia's coronation, Yeardley, one of Lord Ludveck's men, comes to Ohma. He begins to rile up the youth there and convince them to join in the 'revolution', a plot to put Ludveck on the throne. Nephenee observes the situation and decides to inform Brom about it. Nephenee tells him what is going on and advises him to bring his armor. They later meet up and confront Yeardley. By this time, the youth have bought into every word Yeardley says, and they attack Brom and Nephenee. Together, they fight to defeat Yeardley and set the youth straight.

After the battle, Nephenee travels to Melior with Brom to inform Queen Elincia about Lord Ludveck's possible uprising. She accompanies Lucia to Ludveck's mansion to find a reason to arrest him. After Lord Ludveck finally reveals his true colors and attacks Fort Alpea, she still continues to aid Queen Elincia by fighting Ludveck's troops to protect the fort. However, upon his arrest, she accompanies Muston and some others to aid the Laguz Alliance at Ike's request.

After the war, Nephenee returns to her home in Crimea. She and her family move to Melior, where she continues serving the country she so loved.

Edited January 18, 2009 by Jem

[VincentASM]

Nephenee is a country girl from Ohma, Crimea.

I'm not too familiar with how you write down locations, but it might be better to have it just as "the village of Ohma in Crimea" or something.

They fight together to set the youth straight.

I'd combine this with the prior sentence. I think an "and" would do just fine to link them.

Nephenee accompanies Lucia to Ludveck's mansion to find a reason to arrest him. Nephenee continues to aid Queen Elincia up to Ludveck's attack on Castle Crimea, after which she accompanies Muston and others to aid the Laguz Alliance at Ike's request.

I think these two sentences could use some rewording or additions, so that the paragraph flows better. Right now, it's kind of "Nephenee did this. Nephenee did that". It's not too bad though, since it's only two sentences.

where she continued to the country to so loved.

What's this supposed to be mean? ^^

I'm assuming it's supposed to be "continued serving(?) the country she so loved" or something.

Anyway, I think you could add some bits from her and Brom's supports in PoR. For instance, she mentions something about having siblings. Also it explains how they ended up being taken prisoner, which you might want to add near the very beginning (i.e war broke out in Crimea, and they were hastily drafted into the army).

Otherwise, I think it's looking good.

[Emblem Lugh]

I'm not too familiar with how you write down locations, but it might be better to have it just as "the village of Ohma in Crimea" or something.

Does Europe write specific locations in a different way? I guess I'll do it. Your suggestion at least clarifies whether it is a village or town anyway.

I'd combine this with the prior sentence. I think an "and" would do just fine to link them.

Will do. It appears I created a sentence fragment.

I think these two sentences could use some rewording or additions, so that the paragraph flows better. Right now, it's kind of "Nephenee did this. Nephenee did that". It's not too bad though, since it's only two sentences.

I'll see what I can do. My problem was that if I combined the sentences, it would make a run-on. Clearly rewording is my best bet.

What's this supposed to be mean? ^^

I'm assuming it's supposed to be "continued serving(?) the country she so loved" or something.

Whoops. That is a problem... >_> I intended for it to say:

"After the war, Nephenee returned to her home country of Crimea. She and her family move to Melior, where she continued to serve the country she so loved."

(Yes, I added some stuff just now.)

Anyway, I think you could add some bits from her and Brom's supports in PoR. For instance, she mentions something about having siblings. Also it explains how they ended up being taken prisoner, which you might want to add near the very beginning (i.e war broke out in Crimea, and they were hastily drafted into the army).

Did it tell how they were captured? I don't recall. I'll give it another good read. I probably missed it because I often have comprehension issues. Anyway, this at least allows for an addition to the PoR section.

Also, I found a huge mistake, too.

Nephenee continues to aid Queen Elincia up to Ludveck's attack on Castle Crimea,

Silly me! Ludveck doesn't attack Crimea! He attacks Fort Alpea! Consider it fixed.

The first post is updated with my changes.

[Emblem Lugh]

I edited quite a bit of stuff in the first post. Feedback, please? :P

[VincentASM]

Haha, I was meaning to check up on this, but I didn't have enough time yesterday.

Does Europe write specific locations in a different way? I guess I'll do it. Your suggestion at least clarifies whether it is a village or town anyway.

I'll be honest. I have no clue how you write down a location in a location. It sounds right when I read American locations, but I just can't see it working for other countries for some reason.

Did it tell how they were captured? I don't recall. I'll give it another good read. I probably missed it because I often have comprehension issues. Anyway, this at least allows for an addition to the PoR section.

It might not, but I think it leads on to it. If you need the script, I think GameFAQs has it.

As for new comments:

Because of her shyness, her face is mostly covered by her helmet.

I think I wrote this on the site somewhere, but do you know when this is referenced? It's not the Calill and Nephenee support is it, by any chance? (It might sound a bit strange since I used a similar sentence, but I just borrowed it from one of the linked Japanese sites.)

The support paragraph was good, but I think it could use some rewording:

(In her supports with Brom/While conversing with Brom *1), she reveals that she has five siblings; two sisters and three brothers, with the brothers being six-year-old triplets. Her mother back at home is the one who takes take of them all, and she has no father, though what happened to him is never mentioned. These supports also explain that the reason Nephenee and Brom were captured was because their militia was poorly equipped, and their training was highly lacking. (The supports/It/Their discussion also explains *2) why Nephenee is so antisocial, with the reason being her aforementioned strong country accent(, which is also touched upon in her supports with Calill).

*1 I think it's probably better not to mention the other supports until they actually appear in context.

*2 Not too sure about this. You could probably think of a better intro.

Similarly for the first paragraph in the RD section, I think you could probably cut some unneeded info. Here's my take on it:

Nephenee observes the situation and (decides *1) to tell Brom about it. (*2) (She) advises Brom to bring his armor (and she gives him an axe when he returns *3). (Together) they confront Yeardley, leading to a skirmish *4. The youth buy into every word Yeardley says, and they attack Brom and Nephenee who, together, fight to set the village youth straight.

*1 Shortened what was a little long-winded originally. Alternatively, you could use "finds/decides the best action to take is" or something- even though it's much longer, it sounds a little better to me. Just about.

*2 Omitted because I didn't think it was too important to know what Brom was doing ^^;;;

*3 Not really sure if this works. I had difficulty trying to reword this. You could probably do better.

*4 Hopefully I didn't make this sentence too fragmented. Actually, after this sentence, you mention the youths still listening to Yeardley's words. I'm not too sure what happens, but do they attack Nephenee and Brom after ths skirmish (the battle?) and after Yeardley was defeated?

Edited January 12, 2009 by VincentASM

[Eltoshen]

When you rewrite it, I'll take a look as well. I would suggest getting rid of the "so"'s you have in your article, as they literally add nothing in terms of content. Besides, Nephenee isn't that antisocial.

Nephenee is so antisocial, with the reason being her aforementioned strong country accent

^in case you didn't know what I was referring to.

[Emblem Lugh]

It might not, but I think it leads on to it. If you need the script, I think GameFAQs has it.

Serenes has it, too.

I think I wrote this on the site somewhere, but do you know when this is referenced? It's not the Calill and Nephenee support is it, by any chance? (It might sound a bit strange since I used a similar sentence, but I just borrowed it from one of the linked Japanese sites.)

It is in Calil's support.

*4 Hopefully I didn't make this sentence too fragmented. Actually, after this sentence, you mention the youths still listening to Yeardley's words. I'm not too sure what happens, but do they attack Nephenee and Brom after ths skirmish (the battle?) and after Yeardley was defeated?

It was just terrible wording and placement on my part.

When you rewrite it, I'll take a look as well. I would suggest getting rid of the "so"'s you have in your article, as they literally add nothing in terms of content. Besides, Nephenee isn't that antisocial.

I'll take the suggestion.

My first post will be edited a couple minutes after this post. Sorry it took so long. I was a little busy. ^^;

[Eltoshen]

Nephenee is a country girl from the village of Ohma in Crimea. She joined the militia(1*) to protect her home and the fields. She does not converse much with others; she is afraid someone will hear her strong country accent and laugh at her. Because of her shyness, her face is mostly covered by her helmet(2*).

(1*) What militia? I have absolutely no clue. Do you mean local militia or Crimea's militia?

(2*) Sounds a bit awkward. Right now, it seems like her shyness is actually forcing her to wear a helmet. It's more like she chooses to wear a helmet because she's shy. Try something like this, "She covers her face with a helmet out of timidness".

Nephenee is first introduced to the story as a prisoner(1*), locked up in Canteus Castle. After a skirmish, Nephenee, along with the other prisoners, are finally saved by Ike and his mercenaries. It is after her rescue(2*) that she swears her allegiance to Princess Elincia and begins to fight by her side. After the Mad King's War, she returns to the countryside.

(1*) The comma after "prisoner" isn't needed and causes your phrase to break off.

(2*) It sounds like you're saying that Nephenee wouldn't have fought for Elincia if she wasn't rescued. I'm not sure, but I don't think that's true. You could possibly change it to "After she's rescued, she swears allegiance to Princess..." It retains the same meaning with less words. *shock* You might want to change the "After" used in the next sentence to something else like, "She returns to her life in the countryside after Mad King's War" to prevent repeating the same word.

Also, you don't need "the" before "Mad King's War", because it's a proper known. For example, you don't say, "The World War II causes many problems for citizens of every country."

Nephenee’s support conversations(1*) with Brom reveal that she has five siblings: two sisters and three brothers, with the brothers being six-year-old triplets. Her mother back at home is the one who takes take ofcares for them all alone., and she has no father, though what happened to him is never mentioned. These supports also explain that the reason Nephenee and Brom were captured was because their militia was poorly equipped, and their training was highly lacking. The dialogue explains why Nephenee is antisocial as well, with the reason being her aforementioned strong country accent, which is also referenced in her supports with Calil.

(1*) "support conversations"? I'd think that just "conversations" would work better since "support conversations" sounds like a game-term and not a story-article-term, if you get what I'm saying.

I added some changes in red and struck out unneeded phrases/words.

If she has no father, don't even bother mentioning him, as it doesn't add much to the story.

In Green: This stuff seems a bit too boring and...I don't know how to explain it. Besides, nothing in your paragraph proves anything about Nephenee and Brom being poorly equipped. If you want to mention this, bring up something that is actually said between the two that proves it. Also, the last part...

in blue...: You jump into her support with Calill (you spelled her name wrong, btw) rather abruptly. My idea? "Nephenee is self-conscious about her way of speaking, as she has a heavy southern accent, also shown during one of her chats with Calill."

I'm not looking at the Radiant Dawn section because I don't want to get spoiled.

Edited January 17, 2009 by Eltoshen

[Emblem Lugh]

I took most of your suggestions except one:

Also, you don't need "the" before "Mad King's War", because it's a proper known. For example, you don't say, "The World War II causes many problems for citizens of every country."

You do need the "the" before "Mad King's War". Your example is flawed, because the Mad King's War refers to a specific person, and this person's title, Ashnard. You don't say "Ashnard is Mad King", you say "Ashnard is the Mad King".

Also, from what the end of your post says, you've not played RD. In that game, they always refer to PoR as "the Mad King's War". "The" is apart of the war's name, but grammatically, even though "the" is in the name, it should not be capitalized, so it seems to not be apart of the name. I assume this is where the confusion came from?

(That is why we don't say "the World War II"; "the" isn't in the name of that war.)

Edited first post, btw.

Edited January 17, 2009 by Jem

[Eltoshen]

Yes, that explains a lot, actually.

[Emblem Lugh]

Is there no more to critique, or is this good to go?

[VincentASM]

I think it's good to go ^^