FE: A game of kings

[Dutch]

I came up with this story overnight and couldn't let it go, it just became bigger and bigger. Because I don't have any hacking skilled what so ever, I thought I'll just write it down. So here it is:

Hundreds of years ago, on the continent of Sodor , men and dragons lived in harmony and peace. However one day it all changed. Greed of both men and dragon drove both to arms and a great war struck all the lands. The dragons were powerfull, a single one could level an entire city. Yet they lacked numbers, which men had, causing the war to go on for years. The dragons gained the upperhand,destroying much of the land and killing thousands. Mankind was down... but not out. From the ashes of an once mighty civilisation rose up three brothers who would become legends. Some say they were blessed by gods. These three brothers fought on, bringing mankind back from the brink of extinction and back into the fight. Eventually winning the war by slaying the lord-dragoon. The remaining dragons fled overseas, to an other world, an other place to call home. Each brother founded a nation of his own, their wisdom and trust allowed mankind to flourish once more. Yet as centeries past, the blood bond faded, and the emotions, which caused the war of dragons, returned. That is when the game of kings started....

This is just the legend that appears at the intro of the game, however it is still incomplete more will be revealed as the story progresses. The main character will be Xander, the basterd son of the king of Corbodia ( the kingdoms of the eldest brother), there will be more countries than just the three of the brothers. I already got the plot figured out, so mabey I'll make a novelisation or something, I just want to know what would people think of it, so feedback would be really nice.

Edited January 4, 2013 by Dutch

[Lenh]

Sounds like an alright setup for the story so far, as long as Sodor isn't an island.

[Original Alear]

Sounds like an alright setup for the story so far, as long as Sodor isn't an island.

Allusions are even better, intentional or not! There is no particular reason why a perfectly decent name should not be used again. Also, FE with trains might be really amazing.

The last coupla lines of your first paragraph imply there will be some sort of hard and fast link between the backstory of the continent and the current conflict, which is absolutely what you'd want in an original story citing FE as an inspiration. Because you have things like "blood bond" fading and "emotions" which "caused the war" returning, it might help if it's clear fairly early whether these are "semi-tangible" things that people within the realm actually have a pretty firm hold on. Is the blood bond a mystical force, maybe even playing a role in formalized diplomacy or religion? Is it a carefully followed and orchestrated system of intermarriages, lineages, etc? Is it principally among the nobility, or do all men partake in it? (are major figures from the wars with the dragons ) Is it based mostly on who was dead and who lived? Or are the greatest heroes (aside from the bros I mean, who were apparently quite great) the ones with great standing because not only did they live, and commit to something different afterwards, but actually do something critical in the fight for survival itself?

Incidentally, was it just a fight for survival? There isn't much reason (one would think) why dragons and humans might strive to completely destroy each other from greed. Were the dragons actually approaching the humans as raiding targets rather than mortal enemies?

And on the emotions side, is it a historically based thing? (rising tensions among a story that outlasts the actors themselves, yet they feel the tensions as theirs) Or is this a matter of once-again greed, or another more commonly passed around emotion, and simply people wanting to have more whatever, or more security, or something.

And ofc will the dragons be coming back as a major driving force, or is their continued existence just a loose end, a nonimportance, or an ancillary detail.

Beyond that, not to be cruel, but it's nothing particularly new, so there isn't much to give in terms of feedback on my end (I mean, I really tried to mine what you posted).

Edited January 8, 2013 by Mouse

[Dutch]

Sounds like an alright setup for the story so far, as long as Sodor isn't an island.

Thanks, and I did not know that there was a Sodor already. I am not really sure yet on how Sodor will look, I am hoping to work on a map in the near future.

The last coupla lines of your first paragraph imply there will be some sort of hard and fast link between the backstory of the continent and the current conflict, which is absolutely what you'd want in an original story citing FE as an inspiration. Because you have things like "blood bond" fading and "emotions" which "caused the war" returning, it might help if it's clear fairly early whether these are "semi-tangible" things that people within the realm actually have a pretty firm hold on. Is the blood bond a mystical force, maybe even playing a role in formalized diplomacy or religion? Is it a carefully followed and orchestrated system of intermarriages, lineages, etc? Is it principally among the nobility, or do all men partake in it? (are major figures from the wars with the dragons ) Is it based mostly on who was dead and who lived? Or are the greatest heroes (aside from the bros I mean, who were apparently quite great) the ones with great standing because not only did they live, and commit to something different afterwards, but actually do something critical in the fight for survival itself?

First of all thank you for your interest, you really did dig deep.

There will definitly be a link between the legend and Xanders story however some of it will only become apperent until lateron in the story. Since this is the 'basic legend' so to speak, that everybody in Sodor knows, but as Xander will travel throught different lands and even regions he will learn about other local variations on the legends. This 'basic legend' is incomplete. For instance, Xander lives in Corbodia, the country founded by the eldest of the three brothers. In Corbodia there are a lot of legends about this particulair brother and less so of the other two.

With the blood bond I actually mean the blood bond which the brothers share, which will fade more and more after each generation passes. Therefore the countries founded by the brothers lose their bond/loyalty towards each other as sister kingdoms. Over the years wars were fought between the three of them. Some people still care for that bond but it is stuff of legends, so most tend to forget or don't care.

Incidentally, was it just a fight for survival? There isn't much reason (one would think) why dragons and humans might strive to completely destroy each other from greed. Were the dragons actually approaching the humans as raiding targets rather than mortal enemies?

What I am thinking right now, but is still open for change, is that the both dragons and men were wealthy, they both had plenty of gold, gems you name it. However eventually they both wanted more, and looked to the other. The dragons were as you said raiding the humens, however they were so strong that they killed thousands of men in the process. It eventually became a fight for survival for mankind.

And on the emotions side, is it a historically based thing? (rising tensions among a story that outlasts the actors themselves, yet they feel the tensions as theirs) Or is this a matter of once-again greed, or another more commonly passed around emotion, and simply people wanting to have more whatever, or more security, or something.

It is not historically based, there will be plenty of humen emotions and ambitions that will set certain things in motion. This will happen in the game of kings, which will be playing through the course of the story.

And ofc will the dragons be coming back as a major driving force, or is their continued existence just a loose end, a nonimportance, or an ancillary detail.

They will be back, is all I can say for now.

Beyond that, not to be cruel, but it's nothing particularly new, so there isn't much to give in terms of feedback on my end (I mean, I really tried to mine what you posted).

I know this isn't spectacular or anything like that but I appreciate that you are willing to dig this deep. And I hope that you would stick around for when I put the novilation up. I am working on the prologue right now.

This is what I am trying to create, I am not a real writer so I'll do my best but I won't guarantee the quality.

[Original Alear]

This 'basic legend' is incomplete. For instance, Xander lives in Corbodia, the country founded by the eldest of the three brothers. In Corbodia there are a lot of legends about this particulair brother and less so of the other two.

Ah. I forgot to ask about this sort of aspect (maybe disputes over myth and stories and the like, certainly a big part of FE), and I think it'll be interesting if something is made of this.

What I am thinking right now, but is still open for change, is that the both dragons and men were wealthy, they both had plenty of gold, gems you name it. However eventually they both wanted more, and looked to the other. The dragons were as you said raiding the humens, however they were so strong that they killed thousands of men in the process. It eventually became a fight for survival for mankind.

Cool. I just thought it'd be good to have some sense of the extent to which things went, and whether that was always a worry on one/both sides, or something that escalated more than was intended.

I know this isn't spectacular or anything like that but I appreciate that you are willing to dig this deep. And I hope that you would stick around for when I put the novilation up. I am working on the prologue right now.

Ya, if you just keep this topic around, I wouldn't mind a profile comment or PM if you do some additional progress here or elsewhere and would like me to take a look, cuz I don't frequent written works that often, and often only read one of the top 2 or 3 posts here.

(also spelling thing: it probably is novelization you were looking for at the end of the second sentence in this quoted chunk)

And I do appreciate the response! Thanks very much. I hope I managed to give you at least one or two new things to think about. It does seem like you have a lot more going on then what's posted here, which is to be expected.

[Dutch]

Okay so here is the tutorial/prologue. Before you start reading I wanted to say that I am no writer, that I am dislectic, and that English is not my first language, so please keep that in mind. Enjoy!

Part 1Homecomming

Tutorial/Prologue

The coldsound of iron chrashing on iron sounded over the field. Two boys were dueling,one armed with a sword, one with an axe. Both boys took a couple of steps back,observing their opponent, looking for weaknesses. The boy wielding the sword,was of average height, had short golden hair and had brown eyes. He wasslender, but definitly not frail. He looked at his opponent. He was almost ahead taller then him, and a lot bulkier. He has short raven coloured hair anddark eyes. The boy with the axe moved towards him, swinging his axe at him. Thegoldenhaired boy just barely dodged it by rolling to the side. A second swingcame his way, which he quickly deflected with his sword. Both boys steped awayagain. "Was that all you got?!" he yelled. "If you stood still for a second,I'll show you what I can do!" the ravenhaird boy replied as he came towards himagain. The boys locked weapons multiple times, until the axe wielding boyknocked the sword right out of his hand. Then he got pushed to the ground witha shoulderpush. As he looked up he saw the axe wielder towering over him. Heraised his axe above his head and swung it down. Landing it in the ground justinches off the boys face. "You're dead, Xander." said the ravenhaired boy."Really? I don't feel dead. You got lousy aim." Xander replied. "Hey! Watch it!I still have a weapon!" They both started laughing as the ravenhaired boyextented his hand. "Come on, get up." Xander took his hand, and got back up onhis feet. "Thanks for not chopping my head off, Brutus." "If I did that, whowould I have to go spar with?" Brutus replied. "Just go, grab your sword."Xander walked to his sword, which landed a couple of metres awa y, and grabbedit. "Go for another round?" Brutus asked. Xander pointed his sword at Brutus."This time you are all mine." Brutus smirked as he lifted his axe off theground. "Give it your best shot!". Suddenly the boys heard a voice calling outto them. "Brutus! Stop tiring Xander out, he is going to need his strength!"They turned to where the sound came from and noticed a man. The man was wearingbrown leather armor with blueish metal shoulderpads, the left one had spikes.He was also wearing a fur cloak. A sword hang from his belt and he had a shieldon his back. He had short raven coloured hair with dark eyes, and he head asmall beard. "Dad?" Brutus asked. "What are you doing here?" "Looking for youboys!" the man yelled as he walked towards them. "Xander." he greeted. "MisterRoman." Xander greeted back. "What's going on?" "You forgot what day it is?"Roman asked. "Ofcourse not." Xander replied. "Then get your ass moving boy,they are about to start!" "Ah, 15^th nameday traditions. Ready tofinally become a man like me?" Brutus said teasingly. "You still got a lot tolearn." Roman said. "Sure thing dad" Brutus said as he rolled his eyes. "Justlet's go." Roman said as the three of them started walking home.

When theyarrived in the village, they went straight for the village center. It's a smallvillage with twenty something houses and it doesn't even have a stockade.Arriving at the centre, Xander was greeted by the entire population,congratulating him. A girl, roughly the same length, came running towards him.She had long red hair and green eyes. "Xander!" she yelled. "Hi Anna!" Xanderreplied. Anna hugged him tightly as they met causing Xander to blush. "Goodluck and be careful out there." She said as they let each other go. "Hi Brutus, mister Roman." "Hi Anna" Brutus said. "Hello Anna.Don't let the mayor wait, Xander." Roman said. "Comming! I gotta go Anna, seeyou later." "I'll wait for your return.Catch a big one." Anna said. "Thanks, I will." Xander said as he, Brutus andRoman went to the mayor. Brutus bumped Xander in the chest. "Stop smirking likethat." Brutus whispered. "Ah! Xander, there you are!" they heard. They turnedand saw the mayor comming towards them. "You are on your own now, Xander. Keepyour training in mind and you'll be fine. Good luck." Roman said. "Yeah, you'llmake it. But don't expect to get a bigger one than I did." Brutus added. Romanand Brutus took a couple of paces back, joining the crowd and leaving Xanderand the mayor alone in the centre of attention. "Today, is Xanders 15^thnameday!" the mayor started. "A special day for every boy in our village! Inmemory of the great founder of our nation, the brother of body, Curran, theGreat Knight, every boy has to pass a test on his 15^th nameday! Thistest will test the boys strenght and skill, and passing it will turn this boyinto a man! He has to go into the woods and slay a boar, as big as he can find,bringing nothing else but a single weapon. Then he has to drag it back here, tothe centre of our village." The crowd listened to the same speech they heardevery time a boy turned 15. The mayor turned to Xander. "Xander, I wish yougood luck, may you bring honor to our village, in name of the Great Knight." "Iwill."Xander replied. Then he walked through the crowd, exiting the village andinto the woods.

After threehours of searching, Xander finally spotted a boar. It was an average one,probably a not fully grown female. It was burrowing through the ground lookingfor roots. Alright, I am just going over there, jump on his back and sliceits throat. Easy right? Xander crawled closer through the bushes, drawinghis sword on his way. The boar still hadn't noticed him. Okay, now or never.Xander quickly got up and jumped out of the bushes and onto the boars back.The boar noticed him and tried to shake Xander off its back. But Xander helt ontight and managed to slice the boars throat. Blood gushed out, as the boarslowly started to go down. It was dead. That's how you do that! Xanderclimed off the body. Now how... Suddenly he heard loud growling behindhim. He turned around and he saw that a big fullygrown male boar was standingbehind him, it didn't seem friendly. Shit... Xander turned and ran forit, he ran through the bushes hoping to lose the boar. He looked back, and sawthat the boar was chasing him, and gaining on him. Xander tripped, causing himto fall against a tree. He turned around, sat with his back against the tree,and saw the boar comming straight at him. Without a second thought he grabbedhis sword and pointed it at the incomming boar. The boar ran straight throughthe blade, causing it to turn slightly left, and bumped just inches next toXander into the tree. Xander sat there for a while sighing in relief. Wellthat was easy... Now for the hard part. Xander got back on his feet, tookback his sword, slid it into the scabbard and looked at his catch. It'spretty big, Brutus is not going to like this. But how are we gonna move thisthing? Xander pushed the boars body, rolling it over until it was stoppedbecause of its legs hit the ground. Then Xander grabbed the body and tried toflip it over. It took a lot of effort but he eventually flipped it over, so hecould roll it a little further again. Well, this is not going to work. Ican't keep this up for two miles. Maybe... Xander circled the boar, andgrabbed the tusks. The pulled it, and the boar moved a little. The pulled itagain and this time he kept on pulling, moving the boar a couple of yardsbefore he released. This is going to be a long ass day...

Afteranother three hours Xander finally arrived at the village. Upon arrival at thecitylimit Xander was greeted by Roman, Brutus, Anna and an old woman. "Nana,what are you doing here?" Xander asked as he had dragged the boar to them. "Youare supposed to be in bed" "I just didn't want to miss this. *cough* " Hisgrandma replied. "I am so proud of you!" "Thanks nana" Xander replied as theyhugged. "Your parents would be *cough* really proud of you. It is too bad thatthey have to miss this. *cough* " "Yeah..." Xander replied looking sad. "Thankyou, nana. For everything, and..." His grandma kissed him on the forehead. "Youdon't have to thank me. Now finish this up and go have fun. *cough* I am goinghome." His grandma said as she turned around and walked away. "I'll see youafter the feast!" Xander yelled after her. "And I'll be waiting for you!" shesaid as she disappeared behind a corner. "Come on Xander! Just a little more!"Anna said encouraging. "Tired?" Roman asked. "Yeah. Atleast it's almost over."Xander replied as he rested for a while. "Hey Brutus, what do you think of myboar?" "It's big, I'll give you that. But mine was bigger." Brutus replied."You wish." Xander said. "I think I am going to walk casually to the centre, havea cold drink and some good chow. Maybe I'll see you there, somewhere thisevening?" Brutus said as he walked away. "Are you guys comming?" "See youthere, Xander." Anna said as the four of them walked away. "Brutus, now you arejust being a dick!" Xander yelled after them. Then he went back to the boargrabbed it at the tusks and started pulling again. Tired of dragging the boaralong with him, Xander finally arrived at the village centre. Greeted there bythe rest of the village who cheered him on, on his last part of the journey.When Xander was at the place he started, he droped the boar and raised his armsin the air. "He made it!" Brutus yelled as everybody started to cheer andcongratulate him. "Now, let the feast begin!"The mayor proclaimed. Food wasbrought, music started playing and everybody started eating, drinking anddancing. Anna, Brutus and Roman came towards him. Roman shook his hand, Brutusgave a quick hug and Anna hugged him tightly. "I am glad your back" Anna saidsmiling as she let go of him. Xander started blushing as he quickly got bumpedin the chest by Brutus again. "Thanks guys." Xander said. "Listen up!" someoneyelled. Everybody turned around and noticed a group of men. The group consistedof four men all armed with axes. "Where can we help you with?" the mayor asked."We are looking for Xander, the bastard." The man said. "Hey! Who are youcalling a bastard!" Xander yelled as he took a step towards the man. "You'reXander?" the man asked. "Yeah! That's me!" Xander said. Roman steped in frontof him. "Get behind me." He whispered. "Calm down people, I am sure we can workthis..." the mayor couldn't finish his sentence as one of the men had hit himwith his axe. "Alright boys surround the place, kill everyone who stands inyour way but get me the bastard!" the man, clearly the leader, yelled as moreaxe men appeard. The crowd started panicing, some men grabbed their weaponintending to fight. Roman drew his sword and shield and ran towards the initialfour men. "Brutus! Take Xander and go!" Roman yelled. "But dad I can fight! Youtaught me yourself!" Brutus yelled. "No! Another day!" "It's me they want,Roman. Let us help!" Xander yelled. "Run!" Roman yelled as he drove his swordthrough an incomming bandit. "Let's go!" Anna yelled. "We can't! What about mygrandma?!" "Yeah! I won't leave my father!" "Your dad will be fine, he is bestfighter in the entire village. Look at him!" Anna yelled. They looked to Romanwho was clearly out of the bandits league. "Fine, let's find your grandma"Brutus said reluctantly. They moved their way through the chaos. Most banditswere caught up in fighting the villagers so they hadn't had much troublegetting through. As they got closer to they got stopped by two bandits,blocking their way. "Ah!" Anna screamed as Xander and Brutus moved forward.Each fought with one of them. Xander awaited the bandits movements. When thebandit took a swing at him, he simply dodged him by sidestepping. Then heproceded by quickly stabbing the bandit through the guts. I just killed aguy. Next to him he saw that Brutus somehow overpowered the bandit, havinghim falling on his back. Brutus quickly swung his axe up in the air and landedit in the middle of the bandits face. They both looked at each others andlocked eyes. Brutus was clearly thinking the same. Then they started runningagain towards Xanders home. "I see smoke up ahead!" Anna yelled as she pointedforward. Xander looked aswell and saw it too. Oh no, please. Be safe. "Grandma!"Xander yelled as he ran to his house. It was his house that was burning, hishome. "Xander..." Anna said. Xander ran towards the house intending to go inbut Brutus stopped him. Xander tried to get shake him off. "What the hell doyou think you are doing?!" "I am going in!" "Are you out of your mind?!" "Mygrandma is in there!" "She is gone! Xander. Xander!" Brutus helt him tight."She is gone." Xander started tearing up. "I am going to kill these fuckers!"Xander yelled. "No, we are going to get you the hell out of here." Brutus said."To hell I will!" "Those guys came for you! There is something going on, butuntil we know what, you have to lay low." "Brutus is right" Anna said. "We haveto get you out of here." Xander looked back at his home one more time. "Okay,let's go." "There he is!" they heard as 5 bandits came running their way. "Wecan't handle that many. Let's go!" Brutus said as they ran the other way. Theyran for a while and suddenly took a turn right into the garden of a farm. Theyspotted the citylimit, and the forest behind it. "Through the barn! Quickly!"Brutus yelled. The three of they ran into the barn, quickly looked for the doorand ran for it. Suddenly a bulky bandit appeard, blocking their escape route.Without a second tought Xander charged towards him. The bandit deflected thesword and threw Xander to the side. Xander looked in horror as the bandit thenswung his axe at Brutus, who blocked it but he got overpowered and thrown tothe floor. "It's over, kids" the bandit said as he raised his axe. Suddenly afire ball fluw through the air, hitting the bandit in the guts and shooting himout of the barn. Xander looked and saw that the fireball came form Anna, whohad a small red book in her hand while pointing her arm towards the bandit."Anna?" Xander asked. "What the?" Brutus added. "I didn't do nothing while youboys were training all the time." Anna answered. Meanwhile the bandit hadnoticed that he was on fire, he quickly rolled on the ground trying to dose theflames. But it didn't work as he slowly burned to death. "Come on lets go!"Anna said as Brutus and Xander got back on their feet. They exited the barn andran past the bandits body. They ran towards the treeline, when they arrivedthey kept on running, deeper and deeper into the forest. To safety, they hoped.

This iswhat I see it to be if I would make a hack:

Tutorial(optional)

That wouldbe the fight with a boar as enemy. Where you'll learn the basics of moving,attacking etc. The map would be just a squar in the forest so with a couple ofbushes and hills, with Xander and a boar deployed.

Goal: Killthe boar

Unitsgained: Xander (lv 1, Lord (trainee))

Prologue

Xandersvillage is attacked by bandits, looking for a bastard named Xander. A fightensues.

Xander hasto escape from the attack by arriving at a certain location. Mulitple banditsare deployed, all brigands or fighters. The map would mostly be build of housesand street tiles, exept for the last bit which would be a field of grass, withtrees.

Goal:Escape, Xander has to arrive in a certain tile to escape the bandits attack.

Unitsgained: Xander (lv1, Lord (trainee) ) Anna (lv1, pupil) Brutus (lv1 Journeyman)

Notes:Roman was Hero class.

Edited January 13, 2013 by Dutch

[Original Alear]

First off, you said english isn't your native language. I do think most of what I say in this post will be at least somewhat useful, so I'd encourage you to tell me if something sounds like gobbledygook (that is, you do not know what I am saying or why). Anyway,

Oof! Thick chunks of text. Thick paragraphs are actually perfectly excusable, and even justifiable. I've still added some comments. I saw the dyslexia thing, so don't think of this as an attempt to teach you spelling or grammar or whatever. It's as much a response to things that caught my eye as anything else.

Also, like you said, there are a fair number of minor errors, and for the most part I didn't address them or offer corrections, not even the ones that kind of a little bit threw me. For a couple, I did add comments (even something as simple as a 1-2 letter error in spelling) because I thought the error itself was pretty decent and interesting (i.e., I liked the mispelling, but still provided what I thought of as more correct spellings).

The cold sound of iron chrashing on iron sounded over the field.

*chrashing : could be clashing OR crashing. Clashing is probably more "typical" for this kind of scene, perhaps in part because "crashing" implies accidental collision. Clashing tends to imply an intentional and willful, or will-directed, confrontation.

I'll also say that "chr," to me, doesn't often convey a sound or effect that "cr" does not, in english. For example, chrys in chrysanthemum sounds the same as crys in crystal does. But that'd be me.

Aside from this word, I will say that this field - and more generally, the environment and the day - don't seem to ever be described, even though the combatants spend quite some time fighting. Ofc, this is not really something you have to care about, and the reader will fill it in for themselves. I almost always tend to make fields for training misty, cold and moist, and imagine the competitors rolling and sliding on wet grass. That's a freedom you can allow me and other readers or not. Yet to me, it does seem more natural to describe the environment, when examining the environment is where our narration starts (a field in which metallic sounds echo).

The man was wearingbrown leather armor with blueish metal shoulderpads, the left one had spikes.He was also wearing a fur cloak.

Hehaha I'm telling you, it's Ashnard, it's totally Ashnard. I love Ashnard though, he's ridiculous, so it's cool.

He was almost a head taller then him, and a lot bulkier. He has short raven coloured hair and dark eyes.

He was in the one sentence, he has in the next. The gap between tenses is a bit jarring, and not what is expected in fairly standard english narrative. Yet, it can be done with reason.

A girl, roughly the same length, came running towards him.

Just an englishism - should probably be height. Generally, length is applied to "pieces" of the body" (limbs and torso, face, male privates, fingers), but height (or "tall") refers to the overall physical stature which brings a head towards the sky when standing on the ground-surface of a typical planet.

This assumes the girl is roughly Xander's height. If she is, the sentence would better read "A girl, roughly the same height as Xander." But I thought the length/height thing was more interesting.

After threehours of searching, Xander finally spotted a boar.

I'm just gonna say that the transition between "sent looking for boar" and "found boar 3 hours later" represents an opportunity some might be sad to miss, seeing what the area around the village is like, a bit of summary of xander's thoughts on whatever's going on, etc. That's cool though.

In general, it seems like boars were incredibly dangerous animals to hunt, so it's pretty amaze this guy kills 2 with a sword and just "whatever." I'll also point out that ameteurs riding bulls tend to get bucked off in less than 10 seconds, AFAIK. I know boars are smaller than bulls, but I figure that it's not that easy to get practice jumping on a boar's back and slitting its throat with a sword. However, it is possible that the danger of the animal itself was exaggerated by the hunters pursuing it - I just don't think so. With this in mind, a 15 year old killing two and then dismissing the feat as "easy" compared to bringing em back is a bit....mmmmm...

This is mostly a realism-based critique, about something I've never done in any case. You might not even be going for realism, so don't worry about it too much. I actually enjoyed the passage.

"Hey Brutus, what do you think of myboar?" "It's big, I'll give you that. But mine was bigger." Brutus replied."You wish." Xander said.

so gay

Roman drew his sword and shield and ran towards the initialfour men.

initial should really be "first". "Towards the first four men." Or closest. "Initial" suggests...that there is a definite order (i.e., Roman will address - with his sword - four men at a time, one group after the next) for arbitrary reasons. Closest would probably better, because it suggests he's running towards a clump of 4 men in particular.

Then heproceded by quickly stabbing the bandit through the guts. I just killed aguy. Next to him he saw that Brutus somehow overpowered the bandit, havinghim falling on his back. Brutus quickly swung his axe up in the air and landedit in the middle of the bandits face. They both looked at each others andlocked eyes. Brutus was clearly thinking the same

so gay

I'd generally not suggest crafting this for a hack of FE with the expectation that it'll become as such, without at least some programming/coding/hacking work of your own to start, but it does help convey what sort of idea you're aiming for. And if thinking of this story as a FE game is helpful to you, I'd say go for it. I still think that the effect is overall less strong than a piece of writing that includes descriptions of the environment. FE also has pretty rich dialogue, which is why it can afford to avoid very much depiction of internal thought.

Also,

Anna yelled as she pointedforward. Xander looked aswell and saw it too. Oh no, please. Be safe. "Grandma!"Xander yelled as he ran to his house. It was his house that was burning, hishome. "Xander..." Anna said. Xander ran towards the house intending to go inbut Brutus stopped him. Xander tried to get shake him off. "What the hell doyou think you are doing?!" "I am going in!" "Are you out of your mind?!" "Mygrandma is in there!" "She is gone! Xander. Xander!" Brutus helt him tight."She is gone." Xander started tearing up.

Kind of lame, as it is now. That is, for the reader, we're sort of seeing a lot of emotion on Xander's part where he can't bear to admit his grandma is dead, or probably dead. Or maybe "gone" means she escaped, I'm not sure. And then

"I am going to kill these fuckers!"Xander yelled. "No, we are going to get you the hell out of here." Brutus said."To hell I will!" "Those guys came for you! There is something going on, butuntil we know what, you have to lay low." "Brutus is right" Anna said. "We haveto get you out of here." Xander looked back at his home one more time. "Okay,let's go." "There he is!" they heard as 5 bandits came running their way.

A few sentences later and Xander is rational again. Just a bit melodramatic - and a bit too quick back and forth for my taste. Do we really need the hero to be incredibly righteously pissed about an attack on his town, the reasons for which he has no understanding of, and then absolutely focused and an incredibly efficient killer a short time later? (and we find out it's the first time he's killed a man, it seems) But hey. Could be plenty of reason.

Edited January 13, 2013 by Mouse

[Dutch]

First off, thanks for not going too deep into the spelling bit. I know there are errors mabey a beta-reader could fix that but I don't have one sinds my writing schedule is really unreliable.

He was in the one sentence, he has in the next. The gap between tenses is a bit jarring, and not what is expected in fairly standard english narrative. Yet, it can be done with reason.

That was just something that I overlooked.

In general, it seems like boars were incredibly dangerous animals to hunt, so it's pretty amaze this guy kills 2 with a sword and just "whatever." I'll also point out that ameteurs riding bulls tend to get bucked off in less than 10 seconds, AFAIK. I know boars are smaller than bulls, but I figure that it's not that easy to get practice jumping on a boar's back and slitting its throat with a sword. However, it is possible that the danger of the animal itself was exaggerated by the hunters pursuing it - I just don't think so. With this in mind, a 15 year old killing two and then dismissing the feat as "easy" compared to bringing em back is a bit....mmmmm...

This is mostly a realism-based critique, about something I've never done in any case. You might not even be going for realism, so don't worry about it too much. I actually enjoyed the passage.

Xander was ment sneak upon the boar and then cut its throat before it could react. That was how it happened in my mind. Also the first boar was a smaller female one. As for the second one, I ment it to be pure luck that Xander killed it. Apparently these things didn't come over right. As for the easy part, that was ment to be sarcastic, I know I shouldn't do it like that but I was kinda in a hurry. I will pay more attention to it later chapters.

so gay

No, but for real. Xander and Brutus are 15 years old they shouldn't be comfortable with killing yet IMO. Also they are best friends, a little gay is okay :P

Kind of lame, as it is now. That is, for the reader, we're sort of seeing a lot of emotion on Xander's part where he can't bear to admit his grandma is dead, or probably dead. Or maybe "gone" means she escaped, I'm not sure. And then

A few sentences later and Xander is rational again. Just a bit melodramatic - and a bit too quick back and forth for my taste. Do we really need the hero to be incredibly righteously pissed about an attack on his town, the reasons for which he has no understanding of, and then absolutely focused and an incredibly efficient killer a short time later? (and we find out it's the first time he's killed a man, it seems) But hey. Could be plenty of reason.

She is definitly dead. I tried to put this in line with the other FE games, with the main characters country being invaded and their father dying. But there will be more to this attack. I do admit and agree that the transition is indeed too fast. So that is something to take with me on to other chapters.

I am considering rewriting this chapter but for now I'll start working on chapter two

[Original Alear]

Xander was ment sneak upon the boar and then cut its throat before it could react. That was how it happened in my mind. Also the first boar was a smaller female one. As for the second one, I ment it to be pure luck that Xander killed it. Apparently these things didn't come over right. As for the easy part, that was ment to be sarcastic, I know I shouldn't do it like that but I was kinda in a hurry. I will pay more attention to it later chapters.

Ah! To be honest, I was a bit too much assuming a certain kind of thing, where a MC might actually act like "ah that was easy" after doing something nearly anyone would find really difficult. I misread a bit, but a bit of description there might be useful (maybe even of the tone itself), because carelessly confident, "doesn't know his own strength," and a bit of relieved sarcasm are the kinds of things I don't think can easily be guessed in that passage.

I admit, there's probably a better way of doing it than I just said, and it probably isn't that important.

Also they are best friends, a little gay is okay :P

Totally. Personally, I think it'd be ok if it was that way, but I'm not looking for it too either.

I tried to put this in line with the other FE games, with the main characters country being invaded and their father dying.

Ya. I totally got that, and I didn't think the bandit raid was "bad" in and of itself. The flow of the story is a bit abrupt from my perspective, but I wouldn't say it kept it from being enjoyable.

I'd suggest considering a rewrite for yourself if you want to. But from me, at least, you may find me as constantly giving you more and more feedback of "I want it more like this." For me, I'm just enjoying being able to read what you type and respond accordingly.