Disillusion me on my writing skills.

[Kysafen]

It started out as a kind of re-wording and rearranging of the godawful

text

formatting, but then Chapter

1 just ended up like this. And then I did Chapter 2 a year or two later.

Note that I edited up Chapter 1 a couple of times over the years (changing buffon to "buffoon", and some re-wording so that the formatting is a bit more orthodox,) but I didn't post a video of it.

So yeah, should I even bother doing chapter 3?

[Klokinator]

If you're really having trouble formatting text, send me the text file and I'll clean it up for you and point out weak area to improve on. I don't have time to watch the vid but a quick glance through the file will tell me if there are any reoccuring issues :)

Edit: Did do a very quick glance though, and the most glaring issue is that you have a single setence strewn over multiple lines which makes it a lot harder for the reader to follow. No more than 2 lines for each sentence on average (three if you're using FEXP) or maybe 4 at most if you can't convey the wording in a simpler term. (Ex: Really wordy character with long winded speeches)

Edited April 1, 2013 by Klok

[deranger]

Watched Ch1. I'd definitely say it's an improvement, with very few people saying awkward, unnatural, or overly cheesy things (the cut down cheesiness is really nice).

"bend, rust, etc." don't all need their own line, and I'd triple check your grammar (I noticed an unnecessary comma and capitalization).

Edited April 1, 2013 by deranger

[Kysafen]

Only did this because I was doing a live LP of the game for my mate. Wanted to do something special for the final chapters, so I might as well post 'em and have you guys critique.

No more than 2 lines for each sentence on average (three if you're using FEXP) or maybe 4 at most if you can't convey the wording in a simpler term. (Ex: Really wordy character with long winded speeches)

Play through the first couple of chapters of FE7, and you'll notice multiple instances of 3+ lines of dialogue. Tell me if I've improved, regarding the above videos.

[Agro]

Why don't you just post a transcript, it would be much easier to read than watching two 8-minute videos

[Kysafen]

Well, you'd be waiting for a couple more hours until I'm back at my PC.... I'll post the text versions later tonight.

[Kysafen]

Chapter 24 Rewrite (text version, v0.5, or whatever)

[spoiler=Chapter Opening][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01][ToggleSmile]Dragon Temple...[A]

The air here, it feels so different.

It strains me just to breathe...[A]

Did the Eight Heroes fight under

such pressure as well?[A][LoadOverworldFaces]

[OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01]You would enter our

realm again, humans?[A]

[OpenMidRight][MoveRight]Gah!

Wh-who goes there?[A]

How did you-[A]

[OpenMidLeft][CloseSpeechFast]I am Yahn.[A]

I am the last pure dragon

left in Elibe...[A]

[OpenRight][MoveMidRight][FastPrint]Last?[A]

What does that make the dragons

we've fought thus far?[A]

Or the Dark Dragon?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]To answer your former question:[A]

They are morphs,

also known as War Dragons.[A]

They are but bodies without souls.

Not people, but instruments.[A]

Your latter question:[A]

The Dark Dragon is an entirely

different beast than I.[A]

I am a full-blooded dragon,

naturally hatched into life.[A]

[OpenMidRight]Different?[A]

Wasn't the Dark Dragon supposed

to be the leader of the Dragons?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]No. Like the morphs you faced,

she is but a thing.[A]

An item to be used like the swords

in your hilts. A weapon.[A]

A leader it is not.[A]

[OpenMidRight]It's all so different than the

legends passed down...[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Ha ha ha... how amusing.[A]

There is a difference between

legend and truth, human.[A]

Your kind has much to learn.[A]

[OpenMidRight]You said "she"...

...that girl I saw...Tell me![.....]

What is the Dark Dragon?[A]

We... I want to know the truth![A]

[OpenMidLeft]I've no reason

to tell you.[A]

And yet, I've no

reason to not.[A]

Hmm[ToggleMouthMove]...[A]

[OpenMidRight]......[ToggleMouthMove][A]

[OpenMidLeft]...very well.

It is a test, then.[A]

Show me your power, human.

Fight before me.[A]

Pass through these hallowed halls.

Come to me.[A]

And the truth shall be yours.[A]

[OpenMidRight]But you're right here![A]

[OpenMidLeft]An illusion is right here.[A]

I will wait, deep in the temple.[A]

If you are strong enough to hear

the truth, then you will hear it.[A]

The truth of your "Legends..."[A][X]

[spoiler=Throne 1][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01]

[OpenMidRight][FastPrint][ToggleSmile]You...

Are you real this time?[A]

Or...[A]

[OpenMidLeft]This is but the entrance.

You have a long way to reach me.[A]

But I will grant that you didn't

die immediately.[A]

[OpenMidRight]Of course.[A]

[OpenMidRight]I've gone through too much

just to die here![A]

[OpenMidLeft]So I see. Very well.[A]

Then I shall shed a small glint

of truth to you:[A]

The Dark Dragon was not the

leader of dragonkind.[A]

It was forged to bring us victory.[A]

[OpenMidRight][MoveRight]Forged?[A]

Does that mean you made the

War Dragons, too?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]The Dragons you speak of are correctly

referred to as morphs.[A]

As I said before, they are different

from pure Dragons such as I.[A]

They are not forged by us,

but by the Dark Dragon itself.[A]

And the Dark Dragon itself was born

of the Naga, the Divine Dragons.[A]

[OpenRight]Divine Dragon?

Then a Naga-born... agreed to become

the Dark Dragon of its own free will?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]No.[A]

To be brief, we shattered her, so as

to force her obedience to our leader.[A]

[OpenRight][MoveMidRight]What?![A]

[OpenMidLeft]A dire act, but an act of

self-preservation.[A]

If you would but know

the power of the Naga.[A]

Such incredible strength they possess...

then you would know our desperation.[A]

The desperation of an entire

species on the brink of extinction.[A]

[OpenMidRight]I can understand that your

species was at stake...[A]

But what I don't is why you had to

break her down until she obeyed![A]

As if there really wasn't a single

Naga that wanted to save you people![A]

[OpenMidLeft]Why, indeed.[A][.....]

Come, and I shall tell you.[A]

Now fight, human.[A][X]

[spoiler=Throne 2][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01]

[OpenMidLeft][ToggleSmile]Not bad, not bad at all.

I wonder how far you will come.[A]

[OpenMidRight]As far as it takes

to end all of this.[A]

You promised to

answer my question.[A]

[OpenMidLeft]The human body. What a parasitic

reproduction system it has.[A]

We would light village after village,

city after city ablaze...[A]

And yet, you would just keep

multiplying, like venison.[A]

Your strength against us

was in numbers.[A]

Your numbers didn't decrease,

but ours did.[A]

And so, we decided to make a use out

of your numbers: your quintessence.[A]

Your life force would fuel the fire

to create the morphs you have fought.[A]

But only those of strong magical

talent can harness it.[A]

[OpenMidRight]So you turned to

the Naga...[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Correct.[A]

But the Naga abhorred

such a tactic.[A]

They dubbed it- something to save

our race- an "abomination."[A]

While we contemplated how we would

persuade them, they vanished,[A]

leaving us to die against the

humans' vast numbers.[A]

But we were able to seize one

before she could flee.[A]

Her name was Idoun: young, naive,

but useful all the same.[A]

She couldn't bear the thought of

our species fighting amongst ourselves.[A]

She hesitated to leave when her

kin had spirited away.[A]

Hesitation, compassion... What

inefficient human inventions.[A]

[OpenMidRight]But that "foolish hesitation"

worked to your favor, didn't it?[A]

Because you whisked her away

when she did, didn't you?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Hmph. I concede that,

in hindsight, it did.[A]

And it didn't: she still refused to

harness human quintessence.[A]

[OpenMidRight]So you just... destroyed

her heart?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]To be more specific, we took

her to the firefields...[A]

We massacred whole villages before her.

We showed her every detail.[A]

They would flee from us before

being splattered beneath our paws.[A]

Their mothers would hold their children

as their flesh melted off their bones.[A]

All while we forced their

quintessence into her.[A]

She broke easily. At last, she was

obedient, silent... pure.[A]

[OpenMidRight]Pure?! That's sick! And twisted!

The Naga were wrong:[A]

The Dark Dragon wasn't an

abomination...you people are![A]

[OpenMidLeft]Well, it looks like you've

heard quite enough for now.[A]

If you want to know more, then

show me more of your power![A][X]

[spoiler=Throne 3][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01]

[OpenMidLeft][FastPrint][ToggleSmile]You have taken another step forward.

But the way is still long.[A]

[OpenMidRight]I'm coming for you...

...you can count on that![A]

[OpenMidLeft]What do you wish

to hear next?[A]

[OpenMidRight]You made your Dark Dragon.

You produced your morphs en masse...[A]

How then, could you

possibly have lost?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]With the abundance of War Dragons,

victory did seem inevitable.[A]

The humans had thought they

miscalculated our population...[A]

[OpenMidLeft]...until they discovered our harvesting

and harnessing of human quintessence.[A]

And they thought: what happens when

it's done with dragon quintessence?[A]

Their tactics changed to single us out

one by one, to take our life force.[A]

They went to the forges with us, infusing

our power into different kinds of weapons...[A]

The result is what I believe you

humans call "The Divine Arsenal."[A]

[OpenMidRight]Nowhere in my texts did I read anything

about dragon quintessence...[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Putting these weapons in the

hands of your most skilled warriors,[A]

The humans sallied the Dragon Temple.[A]

However, in that moment when our power

and your divine arsenal clashed...[A]

...something unexpected happened.[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Nature began to fold onto itself.

Snowstorms in the summer.[A]

Stars shining in mid-day...[A]

[OpenMidRight]The Ending Winter...[A]

Our legends say your vast power had

torn nature's stability asunder.[A]

And the power of the Divine Arsenal

brought order to nature once again.[A]

[OpenMidLeft]So the humans say it was

entirely the fault of dragons.[A]

How thoroughly expected.[A]

Does it hurt to hear the

truth of my words, human?[A]

[OpenMidRight]That's why the Divine Arsenal

was sealed and trapped...[A]

To prevent us from a second

Ending Winter from happening again.[A]

[OpenMidLeft]You sealed them off?

An intelligent decision.[A]

And yet, here they are, in

your hands right now.[A]

[OpenMidLeft]But worry not.[A]

Their quintessence has faded from

a millenia of unuse,[A]

unable to bring about

such a disaster again.[A]

In a way, your divine arsenal struck

more than one kind of blow to us...[A]

[OpenMidRight]What do you mean?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Your answer awaits,

in the next chamber...[A][X]

[spoiler=Throne 4][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01]

[OpenMidLeft]You have come here again.

You are doing better than I expected.[A]

[OpenMidRight][ToggleSmile]...you were dealt "more than

one kind" of blow?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]When the order of nature collapsed,

we Dragons took a fatal blow.[A]

What was left of Elibe's- or perhaps...

...the world's natural order-[A]

was an environment where

dragons could not inhabit.[A]

It took all of our energy

to merely breathe.[A]

Some of us tried to endure this

unforgiving new order...[A]

...and they turned into rabid,

wild beasts gone insane.[A]

We had no choice but to seal away

our power and change form.[A]

[OpenMidRight]So wait, does that make

Dragon Stones..?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]The source of a

dragon's power? Yes.[A]

To think, that we assumed the form

of the species we had been fighting.[A]

[OpenMidRight]H-human form? But why?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]We had known humans for millenia.[A]

Many of us already knew how to transform

into such a shape. And in this new order...[A]

It was the most efficient form we could

assume that could still maintain sapience.[A]

But our bodies were weak... no, crippled,

compared to the humans we fought.[A]

Your eight "heroes" massacred us, taking

advantage of our human form.[A]

It didn't matter if they surrendered,

or tried to stay out of the war...[A]

They just killed, and killed, and killed.

The young, the old, the peaceful...[A]

Durandal sliced paper-thin skin.

Armads crushed bone and brain.[A]

Forblaze ravaged our homes in fire.

Aureola melted the flesh off of all

that were trapped in its radiant halo.[A]

Malte collected our bodies on its shaft.[A]

Miugre's bolts shot through our fleeing

kin who had no hope of escape.[A]

Apocalype cut a dark rift that

swallowed us whole.[A]

And the Holy Maiden healed the humans

with our own quintessential power...[A]

I, too suffered a deep wound.[A]

[OpenMidRight]We did that? Even after you

had surrendered...[A]

...if you bear a grudge against us,

I... can't say it's unfounded...[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Grudge? Only humans have such

ridiculous emotions.[A]

We battled against extinction and

lost. That's all there is to it.[A]

...but, this time may be different.[A]

Hartmut's bloodline freed the Dark

Dragon he so sealed, after all..[A]

[OpenMidRight]Wait, sealed?[A]

[OpenMidLeft][ToggleSmile]If you wish to know more,

proceed into the next chamber.[A][X]

[spoiler=Throne 5 (apparently, this points to 01FB and then to 0779, for some reason. Maybe it was space issues?)][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01][FastPrint][ToggleSmile][OpenMidRight]Come out, Yahn!

I know you're there.[A]

[OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01]Hm...[A]

Well, if you defeated Zephiel,

you may be worthy to face me yet...[A]

[OpenMidRight]What relation did the

Dark Dragon have to Hartmut?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Hartmut, founder of the Eight Heroes,

founded the kingdom of Bern.[A]

[OpenMidRight]I already knew that.[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Then did you know that he didn't

kill, but sealed the Dark Dragon?[A]

[OpenMidRight]I know that as well.

What I don't know is why.[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Hm...

I see.[A]

The Eight Heroes defeated our leader,

and charged into the inner chamber.[A]

Steeling themselves to face what

they had only heard about,[A]

they found but a mere girl, vacantly

staring off into space.[A]

With our leader dead, she no

longer had any orders to take,[A]

leaving her to only stand and

stare until she'd rot away...[A]

[OpenMidRight]So what did the heroes do?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]The Eight Heroes were human. It was

only natural for them to hesitate.[A]

Their expectations of a towering icon

of draconian intimidation were broken.[A]

All they saw was a girl who wouldn't

even answer their words.[A]

They readied to slaughter

her human form,[A]

And reacting to hostility, she, like

the morphs before her, retaliated.[A]

The heroes and Dark Dragon clashed,

and in the final moment,[A]

Hartmut raised his weapon- a strange

blade that outshone the divine arsenal,[A]

and struck into her scales.[A]

[OpenMidRight]The Sword of Seals![A]

[OpenMidLeft]I don't know what you humans call

it, but that may have been it.[A]

Anyway, when the final blow struck, the

dragon transformed back... unconscious.[A][X]

[OpenMidRight]How did it not die?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Apparently, the blade had

reacted to Hartmut's feelings,

and changed its power to only

knock her unconscious.[A]

When he saw her vacant stare,

he couldn't help feeling pity.[A]

Pity, another pointless human

invention.[A]

In my view,[A]

I wouldn't have shed such foolish

mercy to such a threat.[A]

Hartmut had then decided:[A]

The Dark Dragon would be sealed

with both gem and blade,[A]

or what you call the Sword of

Seals and the Fire Emblem.[A]

Hartmut was then entrusted these

lands, to ensure her seal would[A]

never be broken.[A]

That was the origin and purpose

of the kingdom of Bern.[A]

In a way, Zephiel was a complete

failure as its king.[A]

[OpenMidRight]To witness the birth of

Bern firsthand...[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Actually, I wasn't there myself.

Remember I was wounded, human.[A]

I had taken up a hidden life by then,

to heal my deep wounds.[A]

It was Zephiel, who had told me of his

studies of Bern's ancient archives.[A]

[OpenMidRight]You met Zephiel?

Face to face? Why? And how?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Why? ...I shall tell you if you

reach me.[A]

Oh yes... the way isn't

far now...[A][X]

[spoiler=Throne 6 (Combines input indexes 01FC and 761)][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01]

[OpenMidLeft][ToggleSmile]You have come so far,

descendant of Roland.[A]

I lie in wait in the next chamber.[A]

It has been so long since I have met

a human in my pure form.[A]

One thousand years of waiting

within my home...[A]

[OpenMidRight]So you... you were waiting

in this temple?[A]

For an entire thousand years?

That's insane![A]

[OpenMidLeft]In our longevity,[A]

one thousand years is not such

a stretch of time to my kindred.[A]

The Scouring over, I remained here,

healing myself as you humans ran about.[A]

I waited in the darkness,[A]

waiting for the day that would bring

hope to my kind once again.[A]

And that time came...fire coursed my

veins. My power rapidly returned.[A]

The Dark Dragon's seal had

finally broken.[A]

[OpenMidRight]What does the Dark Dragon have to do

with your draconic power?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]The Dark Dragon's power not only

goes into the creation of morphs,[A]

but it also fuels the Dragon Temple's

aura that protects my kind.[A]

The power I gained that day would

never be fully restored without it.[A]

[OpenMidRight]I see...[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Once my power was restored,[A]

the first thing I would do would be to

seek out the human who broke the seal.[A]

My illusion soon found that human,

sitting on the throne of Bern.[A]

[OpenMidRight]You made multiple illusions

to spread out and find him...[A]

But how? You said yourself that your

human forms are practically crippled...[A]

How did you make your illusions?

How are you making them now?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]The Dragon's Temple is our haven.[A]

Even our human forms can use our

power here. And among my kin,[A]

I was fairly powerful. So long as I

stay here, creating illusions is nothing.[A]

And... I wouldn't dare step outside this

temple, into a human-infested world.[A]

[OpenMidRight][ToggleMouthMove]...[ToggleMouthMove]so you found Zephiel.[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Yes.[A]

I asked him, 'For what reason have

you awakened the Dark Dragon?[A]

Zephiel was an odd human.[A]

He didn't seem to be the least bit

surprised to see me.[A]

He looked me right back in the eye

and asked me who I was.[A]

After I told him that I was a Dragon,

a smile crept across his face.[A]

He then told me,[A]

"I intend to give the

world to your kind."[A]

[OpenMidLeft]Even then I did not trust him,[A]

but as the Dark Dragon's new master,

I had no choice to cooperate with him.[A][X]

[OpenMidLeft]He had ordered the Dark Dragon to take

humanity's dominion as her own.[A]

"Humanity has proven itself incapable

and unworthy to lay claim to these lands.[A]

You will be the one to take it from

them. Free the world."[A]

That is what he said.[A]

[OpenMidRight][ToggleSmile]But Zephiel is dead. She can't act,

as long as her master is dead, right?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]No. She still lies in wait, creating

her morphs. And when there are enough,

they will all march out and bless

Elibe in fire, and assume control.[A]

[OpenMidRight]But her master is gone!

Are you her new master?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]I needn't become her master.

She was told to follow out her order,[A]

even if Zephiel was to die.[A]

[OpenMidRight]So is this her fate?[A]

To be captured and psychologically

tortured by the people she cared about?[A]

To have her soul crushed and then put

to sleep for a thousand years?[A]

Only to be woken up and take the insane

order of a man who's now dead?[A]

And then what?! Just stare into

oblivion when her order's done,[A]

until her body rots into nothing?

That's... that's beyond cruel![A]

[OpenMidLeft]You pity her?

Just like Hartmut did?[A]

...You humans are truly an

unsolvable riddle.[A]

That is why the Scouring was

a necessary event:[A]

Dragons and humans will never

be able to live together.[A]

We are two different worlds

apart, never meant to be one.[A]

[OpenMidRight]Does that make the time before the

Scouring a mere folly to you, too?[A]

Even today, there is a place,

in the Nabata desert.[A]

The people living there saw the

savagery of the Scouring,[A]

and wanted no part of any of it.[A]

Because they knew the truth,[A]

that belonging to a different species

means nothing in a civilization![A]

We were all born on this continent.

We can all live on this continent![A]

You can stop now, Yahn.

Come on. Live in Elibe again...[A]

[OpenMidLeft]...I've heard human nonsense before,

but this goes beyond.[A]

Dragons and humans living together?

Rubbish.[A]

Even if such a 'utopia' existed,[A]

it'd only a matter of time before

a second Scouring occurs there.[A]

And me? Live with you humans again?

What an insane proposition.[A]

I will listen to your

folly no further.[A]

Now enter my chamber,

and let us finish this exchange![A][X]

[spoiler=Boss Dialogue][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01]One thousand years...[A]

My strength has long

recovered.[A]

I can feel it...[A]

And now,

you shall feel it as well![A]

Feel the wrath of a race

on the brink of extinction![A][X]

[LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][ToggleSmile]So, I have lost...[A]

And so with me, all

of my kind goes extinct...[A]

Farewell[.....].[.....].[.....]. [.....]E[.....]l[.....]i[.....]b[.....]e[.....].[.....].[.....].[.....]

[X]

[spoiler=Chapter End][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01][FastPrint][ToggleSmile]In the next chamber...

she's waiting for us.[A]

Idoun...[A]

[LoadOverworldFaces][OpenLeft][LoadFace][0x04][0x01]...sniff...Roy...[A]

[OpenMidRight]Fa? Hey, are you doing okay?[A]

[MoveRight]You look like you're about

to burst into tears.[A]

Can you tell Roy

what's wrong?[A]

[OpenLeft][MoveMidLeft]Is..

Is Fa also a bad dragon?[A]

[OpenRight]Huh?[A]

[OpenLeft]When...[A]

When Fa gets big, will Fa

become a bad Dragon too?[A]

[OpenRight]Wait, Fa.[A]

Tell me what want to

say, slowly.[A]

[OpenMidLeft]That man said...sniff...[A]

He said dragons and people

can't live together...[A]

[OpenRight]But he couldn't have been

right, could he?[A]

You were living in Nabata

with people, right?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]B-but the Dark Dragon is a

Divine Dragon like Fa![A]

And you're g-going to fight

Dark Dragon, right?[A]

What about Fa?[A]

[OpenMidLeft]If Fa grows up...[A]

And becomes like the

Dark Dragon, then...[A]

...Uuuaahhh!!![A]

[OpenRight]...Fa...You don't [ToggleSmile]have to

worry about that.[A]

Idoun, even after she became

the Dark Dragon, is still Idoun.[A]

So no matter what happens,

you'll always be Fa.[A]

Even when you grow up,

you'll still be Fa.[A]

And you'll always live and play

together with us humans.[A]

Always. I promise.[A]

[OpenMidLeft][MoveLeft]...sniff...really?[A]

[OpenRight]You bet![A]

And, I actually want to

help Idoun.[A]

[OpenLeft][ToggleSmile]Help?[A]

[OpenRight]The Dark Dragon is not acting

on her own will.[A]

Her poor, fragile soul

was mercilessly crushed.[A]

She has to be shown

mercy.[A]

I have to show her that: a world...

a life beyond the Scouring.[A]

She's been through so much...

I don't want her to die, Fa.[A]

[OpenLeft]...Fa doesn't get it.[A]

[OpenRight]You'll understand when you

get a little older.[A]

[OpenLeft][ClearFace][OpenRight][MoveLeft]Hartmut...[A]

...when you struck the Dark Dragon,

you posed a question, didn't you?[A]

A question of the Dark Dragon... and

humans, dragons, Elibe... the world...[A]

...and my actions will be

that answer![A]

Just you watch...[A][X]