Kysafen Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 It started out as a kind of re-wording and rearranging of the godawful text formatting, but then Chapter 1 just ended up like this. And then I did Chapter 2 a year or two later. Note that I edited up Chapter 1 a couple of times over the years (changing buffon to "buffoon", and some re-wording so that the formatting is a bit more orthodox,) but I didn't post a video of it. So yeah, should I even bother doing chapter 3? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klokinator Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) If you're really having trouble formatting text, send me the text file and I'll clean it up for you and point out weak area to improve on. I don't have time to watch the vid but a quick glance through the file will tell me if there are any reoccuring issues :) Edit: Did do a very quick glance though, and the most glaring issue is that you have a single setence strewn over multiple lines which makes it a lot harder for the reader to follow. No more than 2 lines for each sentence on average (three if you're using FEXP) or maybe 4 at most if you can't convey the wording in a simpler term. (Ex: Really wordy character with long winded speeches) Edited April 1, 2013 by Klok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deranger Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) Watched Ch1. I'd definitely say it's an improvement, with very few people saying awkward, unnatural, or overly cheesy things (the cut down cheesiness is really nice). "bend, rust, etc." don't all need their own line, and I'd triple check your grammar (I noticed an unnecessary comma and capitalization). Edited April 1, 2013 by deranger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kysafen Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 Only did this because I was doing a live LP of the game for my mate. Wanted to do something special for the final chapters, so I might as well post 'em and have you guys critique. No more than 2 lines for each sentence on average (three if you're using FEXP) or maybe 4 at most if you can't convey the wording in a simpler term. (Ex: Really wordy character with long winded speeches) Play through the first couple of chapters of FE7, and you'll notice multiple instances of 3+ lines of dialogue. Tell me if I've improved, regarding the above videos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Why don't you just post a transcript, it would be much easier to read than watching two 8-minute videos Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kysafen Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 Well, you'd be waiting for a couple more hours until I'm back at my PC.... I'll post the text versions later tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kysafen Posted March 29, 2014 Author Share Posted March 29, 2014 Chapter 24 Rewrite (text version, v0.5, or whatever) [spoiler=Chapter Opening][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01][ToggleSmile]Dragon Temple...[A] The air here, it feels so different. It strains me just to breathe...[A] Did the Eight Heroes fight under such pressure as well?[A][LoadOverworldFaces] [OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01]You would enter our realm again, humans?[A] [OpenMidRight][MoveRight]Gah! Wh-who goes there?[A] How did you-[A] [OpenMidLeft][CloseSpeechFast]I am Yahn.[A] I am the last pure dragon left in Elibe...[A] [OpenRight][MoveMidRight][FastPrint]Last?[A] What does that make the dragons we've fought thus far?[A] Or the Dark Dragon?[A] [OpenMidLeft]To answer your former question:[A] They are morphs, also known as War Dragons.[A] They are but bodies without souls. Not people, but instruments.[A] Your latter question:[A] The Dark Dragon is an entirely different beast than I.[A] I am a full-blooded dragon, naturally hatched into life.[A] [OpenMidRight]Different?[A] Wasn't the Dark Dragon supposed to be the leader of the Dragons?[A] [OpenMidLeft]No. Like the morphs you faced, she is but a thing.[A] An item to be used like the swords in your hilts. A weapon.[A] A leader it is not.[A] [OpenMidRight]It's all so different than the legends passed down...[A] [OpenMidLeft]Ha ha ha... how amusing.[A] There is a difference between legend and truth, human.[A] Your kind has much to learn.[A] [OpenMidRight]You said "she"... ...that girl I saw...Tell me![.....] What is the Dark Dragon?[A] We... I want to know the truth![A] [OpenMidLeft]I've no reason to tell you.[A] And yet, I've no reason to not.[A] Hmm[ToggleMouthMove]...[A] [OpenMidRight]......[ToggleMouthMove][A] [OpenMidLeft]...very well. It is a test, then.[A] Show me your power, human. Fight before me.[A] Pass through these hallowed halls. Come to me.[A] And the truth shall be yours.[A] [OpenMidRight]But you're right here![A] [OpenMidLeft]An illusion is right here.[A] I will wait, deep in the temple.[A] If you are strong enough to hear the truth, then you will hear it.[A] The truth of your "Legends..."[A][X] [spoiler=Throne 1][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01] [OpenMidRight][FastPrint][ToggleSmile]You... Are you real this time?[A] Or...[A] [OpenMidLeft]This is but the entrance. You have a long way to reach me.[A] But I will grant that you didn't die immediately.[A] [OpenMidRight]Of course.[A] [OpenMidRight]I've gone through too much just to die here![A] [OpenMidLeft]So I see. Very well.[A] Then I shall shed a small glint of truth to you:[A] The Dark Dragon was not the leader of dragonkind.[A] It was forged to bring us victory.[A] [OpenMidRight][MoveRight]Forged?[A] Does that mean you made the War Dragons, too?[A] [OpenMidLeft]The Dragons you speak of are correctly referred to as morphs.[A] As I said before, they are different from pure Dragons such as I.[A] They are not forged by us, but by the Dark Dragon itself.[A] And the Dark Dragon itself was born of the Naga, the Divine Dragons.[A] [OpenRight]Divine Dragon? Then a Naga-born... agreed to become the Dark Dragon of its own free will?[A] [OpenMidLeft]No.[A] To be brief, we shattered her, so as to force her obedience to our leader.[A] [OpenRight][MoveMidRight]What?![A] [OpenMidLeft]A dire act, but an act of self-preservation.[A] If you would but know the power of the Naga.[A] Such incredible strength they possess... then you would know our desperation.[A] The desperation of an entire species on the brink of extinction.[A] [OpenMidRight]I can understand that your species was at stake...[A] But what I don't is why you had to break her down until she obeyed![A] As if there really wasn't a single Naga that wanted to save you people![A] [OpenMidLeft]Why, indeed.[A][.....] Come, and I shall tell you.[A] Now fight, human.[A][X] [spoiler=Throne 2][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01] [OpenMidLeft][ToggleSmile]Not bad, not bad at all. I wonder how far you will come.[A] [OpenMidRight]As far as it takes to end all of this.[A] You promised to answer my question.[A] [OpenMidLeft]The human body. What a parasitic reproduction system it has.[A] We would light village after village, city after city ablaze...[A] And yet, you would just keep multiplying, like venison.[A] Your strength against us was in numbers.[A] Your numbers didn't decrease, but ours did.[A] And so, we decided to make a use out of your numbers: your quintessence.[A] Your life force would fuel the fire to create the morphs you have fought.[A] But only those of strong magical talent can harness it.[A] [OpenMidRight]So you turned to the Naga...[A] [OpenMidLeft]Correct.[A] But the Naga abhorred such a tactic.[A] They dubbed it- something to save our race- an "abomination."[A] While we contemplated how we would persuade them, they vanished,[A] leaving us to die against the humans' vast numbers.[A] But we were able to seize one before she could flee.[A] Her name was Idoun: young, naive, but useful all the same.[A] She couldn't bear the thought of our species fighting amongst ourselves.[A] She hesitated to leave when her kin had spirited away.[A] Hesitation, compassion... What inefficient human inventions.[A] [OpenMidRight]But that "foolish hesitation" worked to your favor, didn't it?[A] Because you whisked her away when she did, didn't you?[A] [OpenMidLeft]Hmph. I concede that, in hindsight, it did.[A] And it didn't: she still refused to harness human quintessence.[A] [OpenMidRight]So you just... destroyed her heart?[A] [OpenMidLeft]To be more specific, we took her to the firefields...[A] We massacred whole villages before her. We showed her every detail.[A] They would flee from us before being splattered beneath our paws.[A] Their mothers would hold their children as their flesh melted off their bones.[A] All while we forced their quintessence into her.[A] She broke easily. At last, she was obedient, silent... pure.[A] [OpenMidRight]Pure?! That's sick! And twisted! The Naga were wrong:[A] The Dark Dragon wasn't an abomination...you people are![A] [OpenMidLeft]Well, it looks like you've heard quite enough for now.[A] If you want to know more, then show me more of your power![A][X] [spoiler=Throne 3][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01] [OpenMidLeft][FastPrint][ToggleSmile]You have taken another step forward. But the way is still long.[A] [OpenMidRight]I'm coming for you... ...you can count on that![A] [OpenMidLeft]What do you wish to hear next?[A] [OpenMidRight]You made your Dark Dragon. You produced your morphs en masse...[A] How then, could you possibly have lost?[A] [OpenMidLeft]With the abundance of War Dragons, victory did seem inevitable.[A] The humans had thought they miscalculated our population...[A] [OpenMidLeft]...until they discovered our harvesting and harnessing of human quintessence.[A] And they thought: what happens when it's done with dragon quintessence?[A] Their tactics changed to single us out one by one, to take our life force.[A] They went to the forges with us, infusing our power into different kinds of weapons...[A] The result is what I believe you humans call "The Divine Arsenal."[A] [OpenMidRight]Nowhere in my texts did I read anything about dragon quintessence...[A] [OpenMidLeft]Putting these weapons in the hands of your most skilled warriors,[A] The humans sallied the Dragon Temple.[A] However, in that moment when our power and your divine arsenal clashed...[A] ...something unexpected happened.[A] [OpenMidLeft]Nature began to fold onto itself. Snowstorms in the summer.[A] Stars shining in mid-day...[A] [OpenMidRight]The Ending Winter...[A] Our legends say your vast power had torn nature's stability asunder.[A] And the power of the Divine Arsenal brought order to nature once again.[A] [OpenMidLeft]So the humans say it was entirely the fault of dragons.[A] How thoroughly expected.[A] Does it hurt to hear the truth of my words, human?[A] [OpenMidRight]That's why the Divine Arsenal was sealed and trapped...[A] To prevent us from a second Ending Winter from happening again.[A] [OpenMidLeft]You sealed them off? An intelligent decision.[A] And yet, here they are, in your hands right now.[A] [OpenMidLeft]But worry not.[A] Their quintessence has faded from a millenia of unuse,[A] unable to bring about such a disaster again.[A] In a way, your divine arsenal struck more than one kind of blow to us...[A] [OpenMidRight]What do you mean?[A] [OpenMidLeft]Your answer awaits, in the next chamber...[A][X] [spoiler=Throne 4][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01] [OpenMidLeft]You have come here again. You are doing better than I expected.[A] [OpenMidRight][ToggleSmile]...you were dealt "more than one kind" of blow?[A] [OpenMidLeft]When the order of nature collapsed, we Dragons took a fatal blow.[A] What was left of Elibe's- or perhaps... ...the world's natural order-[A] was an environment where dragons could not inhabit.[A] It took all of our energy to merely breathe.[A] Some of us tried to endure this unforgiving new order...[A] ...and they turned into rabid, wild beasts gone insane.[A] We had no choice but to seal away our power and change form.[A] [OpenMidRight]So wait, does that make Dragon Stones..?[A] [OpenMidLeft]The source of a dragon's power? Yes.[A] To think, that we assumed the form of the species we had been fighting.[A] [OpenMidRight]H-human form? But why?[A] [OpenMidLeft]We had known humans for millenia.[A] Many of us already knew how to transform into such a shape. And in this new order...[A] It was the most efficient form we could assume that could still maintain sapience.[A] But our bodies were weak... no, crippled, compared to the humans we fought.[A] Your eight "heroes" massacred us, taking advantage of our human form.[A] It didn't matter if they surrendered, or tried to stay out of the war...[A] They just killed, and killed, and killed. The young, the old, the peaceful...[A] Durandal sliced paper-thin skin. Armads crushed bone and brain.[A] Forblaze ravaged our homes in fire. Aureola melted the flesh off of all that were trapped in its radiant halo.[A] Malte collected our bodies on its shaft.[A] Miugre's bolts shot through our fleeing kin who had no hope of escape.[A] Apocalype cut a dark rift that swallowed us whole.[A] And the Holy Maiden healed the humans with our own quintessential power...[A] I, too suffered a deep wound.[A] [OpenMidRight]We did that? Even after you had surrendered...[A] ...if you bear a grudge against us, I... can't say it's unfounded...[A] [OpenMidLeft]Grudge? Only humans have such ridiculous emotions.[A] We battled against extinction and lost. That's all there is to it.[A] ...but, this time may be different.[A] Hartmut's bloodline freed the Dark Dragon he so sealed, after all..[A] [OpenMidRight]Wait, sealed?[A] [OpenMidLeft][ToggleSmile]If you wish to know more, proceed into the next chamber.[A][X] [spoiler=Throne 5 (apparently, this points to 01FB and then to 0779, for some reason. Maybe it was space issues?)][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01][FastPrint][ToggleSmile][OpenMidRight]Come out, Yahn! I know you're there.[A] [OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01]Hm...[A] Well, if you defeated Zephiel, you may be worthy to face me yet...[A] [OpenMidRight]What relation did the Dark Dragon have to Hartmut?[A] [OpenMidLeft]Hartmut, founder of the Eight Heroes, founded the kingdom of Bern.[A] [OpenMidRight]I already knew that.[A] [OpenMidLeft]Then did you know that he didn't kill, but sealed the Dark Dragon?[A] [OpenMidRight]I know that as well. What I don't know is why.[A] [OpenMidLeft]Hm... I see.[A] The Eight Heroes defeated our leader, and charged into the inner chamber.[A] Steeling themselves to face what they had only heard about,[A] they found but a mere girl, vacantly staring off into space.[A] With our leader dead, she no longer had any orders to take,[A] leaving her to only stand and stare until she'd rot away...[A] [OpenMidRight]So what did the heroes do?[A] [OpenMidLeft]The Eight Heroes were human. It was only natural for them to hesitate.[A] Their expectations of a towering icon of draconian intimidation were broken.[A] All they saw was a girl who wouldn't even answer their words.[A] They readied to slaughter her human form,[A] And reacting to hostility, she, like the morphs before her, retaliated.[A] The heroes and Dark Dragon clashed, and in the final moment,[A] Hartmut raised his weapon- a strange blade that outshone the divine arsenal,[A] and struck into her scales.[A] [OpenMidRight]The Sword of Seals![A] [OpenMidLeft]I don't know what you humans call it, but that may have been it.[A] Anyway, when the final blow struck, the dragon transformed back... unconscious.[A][X] [OpenMidRight]How did it not die?[A] [OpenMidLeft]Apparently, the blade had reacted to Hartmut's feelings, and changed its power to only knock her unconscious.[A] When he saw her vacant stare, he couldn't help feeling pity.[A] Pity, another pointless human invention.[A] In my view,[A] I wouldn't have shed such foolish mercy to such a threat.[A] Hartmut had then decided:[A] The Dark Dragon would be sealed with both gem and blade,[A] or what you call the Sword of Seals and the Fire Emblem.[A] Hartmut was then entrusted these lands, to ensure her seal would[A] never be broken.[A] That was the origin and purpose of the kingdom of Bern.[A] In a way, Zephiel was a complete failure as its king.[A] [OpenMidRight]To witness the birth of Bern firsthand...[A] [OpenMidLeft]Actually, I wasn't there myself. Remember I was wounded, human.[A] I had taken up a hidden life by then, to heal my deep wounds.[A] It was Zephiel, who had told me of his studies of Bern's ancient archives.[A] [OpenMidRight]You met Zephiel? Face to face? Why? And how?[A] [OpenMidLeft]Why? ...I shall tell you if you reach me.[A] Oh yes... the way isn't far now...[A][X] [spoiler=Throne 6 (Combines input indexes 01FC and 761)][OpenMidLeft][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01] [OpenMidLeft][ToggleSmile]You have come so far, descendant of Roland.[A] I lie in wait in the next chamber.[A] It has been so long since I have met a human in my pure form.[A] One thousand years of waiting within my home...[A] [OpenMidRight]So you... you were waiting in this temple?[A] For an entire thousand years? That's insane![A] [OpenMidLeft]In our longevity,[A] one thousand years is not such a stretch of time to my kindred.[A] The Scouring over, I remained here, healing myself as you humans ran about.[A] I waited in the darkness,[A] waiting for the day that would bring hope to my kind once again.[A] And that time came...fire coursed my veins. My power rapidly returned.[A] The Dark Dragon's seal had finally broken.[A] [OpenMidRight]What does the Dark Dragon have to do with your draconic power?[A] [OpenMidLeft]The Dark Dragon's power not only goes into the creation of morphs,[A] but it also fuels the Dragon Temple's aura that protects my kind.[A] The power I gained that day would never be fully restored without it.[A] [OpenMidRight]I see...[A] [OpenMidLeft]Once my power was restored,[A] the first thing I would do would be to seek out the human who broke the seal.[A] My illusion soon found that human, sitting on the throne of Bern.[A] [OpenMidRight]You made multiple illusions to spread out and find him...[A] But how? You said yourself that your human forms are practically crippled...[A] How did you make your illusions? How are you making them now?[A] [OpenMidLeft]The Dragon's Temple is our haven.[A] Even our human forms can use our power here. And among my kin,[A] I was fairly powerful. So long as I stay here, creating illusions is nothing.[A] And... I wouldn't dare step outside this temple, into a human-infested world.[A] [OpenMidRight][ToggleMouthMove]...[ToggleMouthMove]so you found Zephiel.[A] [OpenMidLeft]Yes.[A] I asked him, 'For what reason have you awakened the Dark Dragon?[A] Zephiel was an odd human.[A] He didn't seem to be the least bit surprised to see me.[A] He looked me right back in the eye and asked me who I was.[A] After I told him that I was a Dragon, a smile crept across his face.[A] He then told me,[A] "I intend to give the world to your kind."[A] [OpenMidLeft]Even then I did not trust him,[A] but as the Dark Dragon's new master, I had no choice to cooperate with him.[A][X] [OpenMidLeft]He had ordered the Dark Dragon to take humanity's dominion as her own.[A] "Humanity has proven itself incapable and unworthy to lay claim to these lands.[A] You will be the one to take it from them. Free the world."[A] That is what he said.[A] [OpenMidRight][ToggleSmile]But Zephiel is dead. She can't act, as long as her master is dead, right?[A] [OpenMidLeft]No. She still lies in wait, creating her morphs. And when there are enough, they will all march out and bless Elibe in fire, and assume control.[A] [OpenMidRight]But her master is gone! Are you her new master?[A] [OpenMidLeft]I needn't become her master. She was told to follow out her order,[A] even if Zephiel was to die.[A] [OpenMidRight]So is this her fate?[A] To be captured and psychologically tortured by the people she cared about?[A] To have her soul crushed and then put to sleep for a thousand years?[A] Only to be woken up and take the insane order of a man who's now dead?[A] And then what?! Just stare into oblivion when her order's done,[A] until her body rots into nothing? That's... that's beyond cruel![A] [OpenMidLeft]You pity her? Just like Hartmut did?[A] ...You humans are truly an unsolvable riddle.[A] That is why the Scouring was a necessary event:[A] Dragons and humans will never be able to live together.[A] We are two different worlds apart, never meant to be one.[A] [OpenMidRight]Does that make the time before the Scouring a mere folly to you, too?[A] Even today, there is a place, in the Nabata desert.[A] The people living there saw the savagery of the Scouring,[A] and wanted no part of any of it.[A] Because they knew the truth,[A] that belonging to a different species means nothing in a civilization![A] We were all born on this continent. We can all live on this continent![A] You can stop now, Yahn. Come on. Live in Elibe again...[A] [OpenMidLeft]...I've heard human nonsense before, but this goes beyond.[A] Dragons and humans living together? Rubbish.[A] Even if such a 'utopia' existed,[A] it'd only a matter of time before a second Scouring occurs there.[A] And me? Live with you humans again? What an insane proposition.[A] I will listen to your folly no further.[A] Now enter my chamber, and let us finish this exchange![A][X] [spoiler=Boss Dialogue][LoadFace][0x4C][0x01]One thousand years...[A] My strength has long recovered.[A] I can feel it...[A] And now, you shall feel it as well![A] Feel the wrath of a race on the brink of extinction![A][X] [LoadFace][0x4C][0x01][ToggleSmile]So, I have lost...[A] And so with me, all of my kind goes extinct...[A] Farewell[.....].[.....].[.....]. [.....]E[.....]l[.....]i[.....]b[.....]e[.....].[.....].[.....].[.....] [X] [spoiler=Chapter End][OpenMidRight][LoadFace][0x02][0x01][FastPrint][ToggleSmile]In the next chamber... she's waiting for us.[A] Idoun...[A] [LoadOverworldFaces][OpenLeft][LoadFace][0x04][0x01]...sniff...Roy...[A] [OpenMidRight]Fa? Hey, are you doing okay?[A] [MoveRight]You look like you're about to burst into tears.[A] Can you tell Roy what's wrong?[A] [OpenLeft][MoveMidLeft]Is.. Is Fa also a bad dragon?[A] [OpenRight]Huh?[A] [OpenLeft]When...[A] When Fa gets big, will Fa become a bad Dragon too?[A] [OpenRight]Wait, Fa.[A] Tell me what want to say, slowly.[A] [OpenMidLeft]That man said...sniff...[A] He said dragons and people can't live together...[A] [OpenRight]But he couldn't have been right, could he?[A] You were living in Nabata with people, right?[A] [OpenMidLeft]B-but the Dark Dragon is a Divine Dragon like Fa![A] And you're g-going to fight Dark Dragon, right?[A] What about Fa?[A] [OpenMidLeft]If Fa grows up...[A] And becomes like the Dark Dragon, then...[A] ...Uuuaahhh!!![A] [OpenRight]...Fa...You don't [ToggleSmile]have to worry about that.[A] Idoun, even after she became the Dark Dragon, is still Idoun.[A] So no matter what happens, you'll always be Fa.[A] Even when you grow up, you'll still be Fa.[A] And you'll always live and play together with us humans.[A] Always. I promise.[A] [OpenMidLeft][MoveLeft]...sniff...really?[A] [OpenRight]You bet![A] And, I actually want to help Idoun.[A] [OpenLeft][ToggleSmile]Help?[A] [OpenRight]The Dark Dragon is not acting on her own will.[A] Her poor, fragile soul was mercilessly crushed.[A] She has to be shown mercy.[A] I have to show her that: a world... a life beyond the Scouring.[A] She's been through so much... I don't want her to die, Fa.[A] [OpenLeft]...Fa doesn't get it.[A] [OpenRight]You'll understand when you get a little older.[A] [OpenLeft][ClearFace][OpenRight][MoveLeft]Hartmut...[A] ...when you struck the Dark Dragon, you posed a question, didn't you?[A] A question of the Dark Dragon... and humans, dragons, Elibe... the world...[A] ...and my actions will be that answer![A] Just you watch...[A][X] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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