I am Dysfunction Junction

[Fala]

Seriously, I have to feign bisexuality so my mother doesn't have an epic freak out and do who knows what when she finds out, my brother and my father are unsupportive and hardly talk to me. All my friends have moved out of my state and when I try to make friends people avoid me. I am so damn close to pulling a Shinji Ikari and run the fuck away.

[eclipse]

Uhhh. . .what kind of response were you looking for? Depending on the answer, this could go to FFtF or Serious Discussion.

[Fala]

Serious Discussion.

[eclipse]

Very well! I'm not sure what to say, as I'm nowhere in your shoes, but good luck!

[deleted35362]

Do you really want friends that don't accept your homosexuality? I'm not gay or bisexual or pansexual by any means, but I myself don't even bother trying to make friends in real life anymore.

Who cares if your father and brother hardly talk to you? Just don't fucking talk to those hardheaded buffoons then. Anybody who treats you this way for such a petty reason isn't worth your effort.

[Fala]

NO. I meant the making friends thing in general. I never told anyone besides my brother and my father.

[eclipse]

I'm not sure if there's any organizations in your area that can help you, but if there are, contact them! They might be able to help you!

[deleted35362]

Oh, so I read that wrong? You mean to say

1. I'm gay, so my father and my brother don't talk to me anymore...

2. I have trouble making friends

It's very hard to initiate friendship; that's for sure. If this problem keeps up, I suggest developing your independence so the lack of friendship doesn't trouble you so much.

[Fala]

Both.

[Fruity Insanity]

...You know, independence is important, but so is companionship.

Living life alone is not very good at all, if you ask me.

Also, when you fail, pick yourself back up. If you lose heart, that'll only make things work.

In other words...

Try Try Again
by T. H. Palmer

'Tis a lesson you should heed,
If at first you don't succeed,
Try, try again;

Then your courage should appear,
For if you will persevere,
You will conquer, never fear
Try, try again;

Once or twice, though you should fail,
If you would at last prevail,
Try, try again;

If we strive, 'tis no disgrace
Though we do not win the race;
What should you do in the case?
Try, try again

If you find your task is hard,
Time will bring you your reward,
Try, try again

All that other folks can do,
Why, with patience, should not you?
Only keep this rule in view:
Try, try again.

Edited May 24, 2013 by Fruit Ninja

[Hawk King]

Developing friendships with co-workers can be effective and easy.

If you dont have a job, get one, and you should be able to make friends. I would recommend a grocery store or some other place with lots of employees. If you already have a job, idk what to tell you.

As far as your family goes, you need to have a serious discussion IN REAL LIFE with them. Explain to them what you are and ask them to accept you for what you are. They are your family, as much as they may not like your sexual orientation, you are their son/brother and love for family runs very deep. Just dont alienate yourself from them, and show them that you are still the same person that you were before you told them.

[Chiki]

I doubt your family will ever like you again, serious discussion or not, unless a miracle happens. A person's beliefs is too important to them even when it comes to the people they love.

[deleted35362]

Both.

Yeah, that was a list to clarify that one wasn't causing the other or anything like that.

...You know, independence is important, but so is companionship.

Yeah, but companionship shouldn't be a high priority in life. A person should be able to press on smoothly without socializing around the clock. No one deserves to be pressured to have good social connections all the time.

They are your family, as much as they may not like your sexual orientation, you are their son/brother and love for family runs very deep. Just dont alienate yourself from them, and show them that you are still the same person that you were before you told them.

Please don't try to spread the "you MUST always be close to your family no matter what" crap...its an earsore that everyone hears everywhere all the time.

[Rehab]

I doubt your family will ever like you again, serious discussion or not, unless a miracle happens. A person's beliefs is too important to them even when it comes to the people they love.

I've seen people change hateful (homophobic included) beliefs firsthand. It's a possibility that his family wouldn't budge with all the effort in the world, but nothing more than a possibility. There are many possible factors to the situation, such as just how intensely the belief is held, how it was acquired and what the personality of the person holding it is, that can serve to make one person's homophobia different from another's.

(and dude, "I doubt your family will ever like you again" isn't a very tactful thing to say to somebody having a hard time of it)

Fala, my first recommendation would be family therapy, but that might be harder to set up (and get your family to go to) if you're at university/out of the house. Do you have any school advisors/counselors you might possibly be able to ask for advice on whether that could be set up? (or who you could ask for any other possible locally applicable remedies)

Edited May 24, 2013 by Rehab

[Hawk King]

@ Boney

"you MUST always be close to your family no matter what"

If you're going to quote me at least read what I write. I didn't use the words "MUST", "always", or "close" and the phrase "no matter what" a single time in my post nor did I imply what you think I said.

[Chiki]

(and dude, "I doubt your family will ever like you again" isn't a very tactful thing to say to somebody having a hard time of it)

Why lie to him when it's likely the truth?

The truth is that family sucks. You have to spend your life being close to and knowing people who you have no control over--that is, you can't pick which family you were born into. You could be born into a family of scum and simpletons. It's unfortunate, indeed, but that's how life is. You have to find a way to make your own family.

[Hawk King]

^ Or family can be amazing. Most I know of range from ok to great. You would have to be fucked up in the head or a complete asshole to consider your family in the "scum and simpleton" category.

[Rehab]

It's merely possible that his family won't come around. I haven't seen any data to suggest how likely families with homophobic attitudes are to change their minds and/or accept their kid after coming out, so I couldn't say what's more likely either way, but even in the event that the odds aren't in his favor, there are success stories out there. There's nothing wrong with telling him to prepare for the worst, and that he can survive if things come to that, sure, but he sounds to me like he'd stand better to be reminded of the options he can take to try to work out his issues with a potentially homophobic family. As opposed to being told that the fears (of his family rejecting him, I presume) on which he's fixated are inevitabilities.

I mean yeah a person's family can be full of inconsiderate nobs that refuse to care about each other, or that find fault with each other and refuse to get over their differences, but a family at its core is simply people, and people can change their attitudes towards each other, even if they've been forced to spend enough time together that those attitudes require more conscious effort to change. Not that his situation is sure to come together like that, but at this point we don't even know enough about his family dynamic to evaluate it as it is, much less how it could change.

Edited May 24, 2013 by Rehab

[Espinosa]

He just said his dad and brother do not support him. Guy also seems to have social problems and he didn't describe his situation very clearly so let him say something about it before you start another ridiculous forum debate starring Olwen.

That said, you can be born into a family with abuse and other similarly unpleasant problems. 'Scum' is an emotional word to use, but 'simpletons' can and do provide good parenting in practice.

[Steampunk]

I haven't been in this situation, so take anything I say with a grain of salt.

I do believe having a family discussion about it is the way to go. If you need some kind of mediator or counselor, set one up. Homophobia (like any other phobia) is very deeply rooted and hard to shake. Hopefully, they will still accept you as part of the family (even if they don't like your sexual orientation). If not, it might be best to look at moving out and getting away from the situation if you are in a position to do so. I wouldn't run away without some kind of plan though. Make sure you have a means of taking care of yourself first.

As for making friends, it's fairly simple. Find some clubs or groups with a theme your interested in (like a sports club, a hiking group, a gun club, Dungeons & Dragons, a book club, etc) and join. You'll meet a lot of people with a common interested, which will make befriending them much simpler. Even better, you'll have someone to do stuff with that you enjoy doing. Depending on your location, there might also be LBGT clubs/groups you can join if none of the other clubs appeal to you. The key is finding people who have something in common with you.

A person's beliefs is too important to them even when it comes to the people they love.

Haven't found this to be the case in my experience. People can and do change, even if we don't want to.

The truth is that family sucks.

You may not have had an ideal childhood, but I'm willing to bet your family (be it biological or adoptive) kept you fed, clothed, and made sure you had some kind of house to live in. I'm fairly sure they sacrificed things that they wanted to do in life or things they wanted to buy, in order to make sure your needs were met above all else. Considering they did that without expecting you to pay back every cent they spent on you and for you to return all the things they got you when you move out, they don't sound so bad to me. I don't know how old you are, but I know many teenagers in real life who think their parent's are worst human beings that ever lived. They don't realize that, if those parents hadn't decided to have children, they could probably afford a nice house and a yacht and not have to listen to an ungrateful brat gripe about how those parents don't care about them.

You have to spend your life being close to and knowing people who you have no control over--that is, you can't pick which family you were born into.

So? Who cares if they weren't hand-picked by you? If they look after you and make sure you have some quality of life, it really doesn't matter if you live in an ideal household.

You could be born into a family of scum and simpletons.

Doesn't matter, so long as that scum and those simpletons take care of you. If someone paid all my bills and made sure all my needs were met without wanting something in return, I wouldn't care if they were a complete asshole or if they had flunked out of high school. I may not get along with them, but I wouldn't have to if they were giving me a free ride through life.

[Rehab]

If they were good enough at being assholes that they left you unable to think a single thought without being reminded of how much you've come to hate yourself, you might have a different opinion on that.

Parents can indeed be horrible enough people to their children to be completely undeserving of any respect, with regards to the responsibilities that position entails. Just for the record.

[Steampunk]

If they were good enough at being assholes that they left you unable to think a single thought without being reminded of how much you've come to hate yourself, you might have a different opinion on that.

Parents can indeed be horrible enough people to their children to be completely undeserving of any respect, with regards to the responsibilities that position entails. Just for the record.

Nobody's denying there are bad and abusive parents out there. I don't believe that justifies saying family in general sucks, and I don't believe most hormonal, over-emotional teens who don't like being told what to do know what real abuse is.

[Chiki]

I wasn't born to a bad family. I am simply pointing out that he may be one of the unfortunate few who was born to one. I think it's best, then, to handpick one's own family if such a thing happens.

[Sublime Manic]

I doubt your family will ever like you again, serious discussion or not, unless a miracle happens. A person's beliefs is too important to them even when it comes to the people they love.

I doubt anyone in this thread has enough evidence to say something like this conclusively without knowing his family. I doubt this is something you know much about anyway. And plenty of people are forced to reassess their beliefs when someone they love presents something that challenges them. Beliefs aren't stagnant or unchangeable.

Growing up, my mom would make comments like "if I ever had a gay son I would be miserable every day of my life" - she's not. Sure, there were fits and majorly pointed arguments and such. But she got over it with time, even if she isn't hap​py about it. And a LOT of parents come around. It can take years in plenty of cases, and plenty of parents don't come around, but it's hardly the case that no family EVER changes their tune over time.

[deleted35362]

^"Doubt" is not a word for absolute disbelief.