Daichi Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 (edited) Fucking wow. I guess Alex WAS overprotective of Dennis. Edited February 15, 2015 by Daichi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrhesia Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 For what it's worth, Casey Ryan's 15 is still flat-out the best killcount of any soldier alive or dead. I don't even think anyone has double digits (Tebbit had 9 I think). Avatar Guinness survived the most missions, at 13. Only had a paltry 4 kills to show for it, though - still better than Tony Abbott's 0 kills from 8 missions at present. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excellen Browning Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 (edited) Tme for another recruits from me, it seems Name: Stan Prlwtzplofsky Sex: Male Class: scout or shock I guess Other: local kid obsessed with martial arts. Has won a local martial arts tournament. Believes hand to hand combat is the only real counter to the alien threat. Has taken it up on himself to prove this by never using anything but himself as his weapon. Name: Chelsea Manning Sex: Female Class: whatever Other: Male to female transgender. Underwent the change in prison, where he/she was forbidden from growing long hair for I guess obvious reasons. Felt sexually repressed and was transferred to XCOM as a recruit instead of serving his/her sentence in prison. Name: Chuck McEnrow Sex: Male Class: Scout Other: An enormous blabbermouth. Says extremely inappropriate things, he just can't help himself. Edited February 15, 2015 by Excellen Browning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daichi Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 (edited) For what it's worth, Casey Ryan's 15 is still flat-out the best killcount of any soldier alive or dead. I don't even think anyone has double digits (Tebbit had 9 I think).Avatar Guinness survived the most missions, at 13. Only had a paltry 4 kills to show for it, though - still better than Tony Abbott's 0 kills from 8 missions at present.Huh. Not to bad. How many did Dennis get? How did he die, anyway?Also, 0 kills after 8 missions? What? Did you just keep him in the back, or does he just suck? Tme for another recruit from me, it seems Name: Stan Prlwtzplofsky Sex: Male Class: scout or shock I guess Other: local kid obsessed with martial arts. Has won a local martial arts tournament. Believes hand to hand combat is the only real counter to the alien threat. Has taken it up on himself to prove this by never using anything but himself as his weapon. inb4 best unit. Edited February 15, 2015 by Daichi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Integrity Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 does he just suck? Tony Abbott qed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrhesia Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Tme for another recruits from me, it seems Name: Stan Prlwtzplofsky Sex: Male Class: scout or shock I guess Other: local kid obsessed with martial arts. Has won a local martial arts tournament. Believes hand to hand combat is the only real counter to the alien threat. Has taken it up on himself to prove this by never using anything but himself as his weapon. You can't melee people with fists but he can be a stun rod guy I guess Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excellen Browning Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Kicking and body checking are acceptable substitutes. If nothing of the sort is available I will be disappointed and allow for melee weapons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrhesia Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 BATTLESCAPE We find a landed Very Large. No chance to reinforce. No chance to armour up. This is going to be rough. Violence: "Shee-it! Do those disks always do that?!" Gunther: "One hostile left, but the barn is clear!" Cooldown: "God, I love actually winning firefights." Firefist: "I got this one-" Gunther: "OW!" Firefist: "- and, um, the tank, too, apparently. You'll be alright, Welks." Voidborn?: "Looks as though this is the only way to get up... oh, God, there's one above me!" Cleankill: "So get out of the fucking way then!" Voidborn?: "Nah." Voidborn?: "I'd rather... ascend..." Firefist: "Oh, damn it..." Firefist: "This one? Easy meat, but there's a disk right above me! Easy-" Firefist: "... meat..." Gunther: "Tarnation! Alright, use me as bait. My love of nature will keep me safe from their bullets." Whelan: "HOW DID YOU EVEN MAKE THAT SHOT" Whelan: "FUCK YOU, PRICK!" Whelan: "Damn right... ugh... medic?" Brofist: "... Wait. What?! Reydrin!?" Bondfield: "Oh fuck this, I'm investigating..." Bondfield: "HOW DID YOU MAKE THAT SHOT" Brofist: "Hey, at least he didn't make the second!" FIFTEEN SHOTS ON GUNTHER'S ROOF LATER AND THEY KILL ONE OF THEIR OWN CYBERDISKS WHICH EXPLODES AND WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON Slampage: "What the fuck" Gunther: "Things are very... tense, up here! Need help with this disk!" Gunther: "Oh, hello, sir." Cleankill: "I got it!" Brofist: "Score one for the heavy laser..." Whelan: "Fuck this boat, Agate. Fuck. This. Boat." Gulliver: "Whoa." Gunther: "BLAST-" Slampage: "It's a bloodbath in here! Fucking hell, Tony, get your head in the game and stop shooting that wall! Gulliver, OPEN THAT FUCKING DOOR!" Gulliver: "I'M TOO SCARED TO OPEN THE DOOR" Slampage: "And Israel's dead... damn it, Bondfield - looks like we''re the only two who still have the guts to see this through. Cover me. I'm going up. OORAH, MOTHERFUCKERS! EAGLES'RE GONNA PREY ON SOME X-RAY TONIGHT!" Thunder Slampage is a true hero. Casualties: Captain Agate Brofist, Colonel Sir Reydrin, Locust Chillpill, Grace Cleankill, Vixen Violence, Sergeant Smoky Whelan, Torian Voidborn?, Captain Garland Firefist, Israel Gunshoe, Scratch Bitedust, Stefan Jay Blum, Tank Operator Welkin Gunther Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandragon Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Rip in peace Welks Rip in peace... Also holy fuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fengaridotdll Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 REYDRIN NOOOOOOOOO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrhesia Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) RECRUITS GEOSCAPE We have a lot of rebuilding to do. This starts with personal armour, researching some of the... aha... heavy ordnance we found on the battleship. Oh, that is assuredly leading good places. For now, we recruit a shitton of guys, stick them on the boat and throw them at a landed small UFO. What is an Eagle, you might ask? Well, in this batch I had a shitton of guys with fully sick accuracy AND good time units/stamina/health/bravery. And thus they became the highest honour that XCOM could bestow on someone - well, okay, outside of actual ranks. None of those scouts are getting armour. Or medics. Or Viridian. Sorry, loves. It, um. Lifts off. But that's the good thing about the Avenger, because it just shoots the cunt down and lands anyway. BATTLESCAPE McEnrow: "Time to light up the area-" Manning: "Jesus. Was it really worth it?" Bondfield: "Shit, that's, uh. That's probably for the best. Heard she got her hands on some of the interrogation tapes." Steele: "Is that bad?" Bondfield: "Man, you cannot even begin to believe." Manhands: "Feeling good about the whole dual-wielding thing." That's one of the new stun launchers in his left hand - a plasma pistol in the right. New standard issue for medics, scouts trade sideways to laser rifles, currently everyone else has heavy plasma and heavies get heavy lasers. Not like it really matters - Bondfield kills another roof guy. Looks like both roof guys were, by chance, stunned, not killed - with three dying in the crash. Both captures were soldiers, though. Casualties: Chuck McEnrow, Chelsea Manning GEOSCAPE Very large heading right at the base... just barely gets out of the way. Still, Firestorm should splash... ... it... Ten days to be repaired, jesus. At least one of the guys who comes in is, uh. Maxed bravery, maxed accuracy, max-minus-one time units. Jesus. In the interim, Fort Kanye finds a ship that... doesn't fire back? Splashes it into the ocean. Hm. You know, I'm suspicious... but we'll get to that later. yaaay Soon afterwards a... um... some size lands. Avenger deals with it. BATTLESCAPE YES Blum: (roughly) "Overwatch fire handled one of the situations!" Sturdygun: "What the fuck... IS it?" It's a snakeman. they are the middle ground of aliens - you start off against sectoids and floaters, they are meant to be the next to show up. THEY WERE NOT MEANT TO TAKE THIS LONG. Very slow but tanky soldiers. Terror units? We'll get to that. We can probably handle them now, but facing them in the laser era is akin to facing disks in the ballistics era or sectopods... ever. For very different reasons, though. Snakemen, like the rest, were ported to the 2012 remake/reimagining/spiritual successor/actual successor/sequel/improvement, but they have the biggest change made to them. They're sort of these reptilian infiltrator guys, half-Slenderman and half-Hugo Weaving. Pretty great adaptation tbh. They use the same soundclip as Warcraft 2 Dragons when they die. I love nostalgia! Chainsaw: "Hah, thought he could take us on! Showed him, din't I? Haha! Fucker." Goldfist: "HELLO SILHOUETTE people please carpet this entire area in stun THANK YOU" Santiago: "Can't make the shot, mate, you'll just have to murder him like the rest." Goldfist i forgot to take the win image again but it was the same kind of ufo as the last one and probably same amount of materials and aliens also we're now up to 115 casualties. Plus Welkin Gunther. Tony Abbott, meanwhile, is up to ten missions with no kills. Casualty: Rook Sturdygun Edited February 16, 2015 by Parrhesia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrhesia Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) GEOSCAPE This is the best update. This is why. The most powerful weapon in the game, firing rockets BY FUCKING WAYPOINT. Some insane amount of damage, insane blast radius, and their entry onto the battlefield marks the point at which we need to invest in some power suits. Not the most powerful weapon in the game, but the most enthusiastic. Imagine a really big radar on the base up in Seoul. Imagine how much coverage we'll have. ... Have I even mentioned the base up in Seoul? It's going to have two Firestorms and 20 security guys to defend it and that's about it. Anyway we land on that small UFO. BATTLESCAPE Slampage: "Alright - Eagles, roll out on my Command. We shall watch over our flock." Slampage: "Wh- BONDFIELD?!" Blum: (roughly) "We've been flanked!" Steele: "Man, and Viridian too-" Slampage: "NOBODY CARES ABOUT VIRIDIAN. BONDFIELD WAS THREE TIMES THE WARRIOR YOU WILL EVER BE. ABOUT FACE!" Steele: "Dealt with." Slampage: "Filter out. Clear the area." Los Angeles: "I miss our tank." Slampage: "Shocktroopers and medics with me. We will extract a raw, bloody, thoroughly American vengeance." Manhands: "Shit, fire's comin' from everywhere!" Slampage: "Then SHOOT everywhere!" Gallipoli: "oh nooooo" Slampage: "STOP PANICKING AND FIGHT!" Manhands: "Captured one." Gallipoli: "Y- yeah, and me... thanks for taking care of the guy behind the door, Brave." Harkonnen: "Eh, ain't no thang. C'mon, there's more captures waiting in there!" why do i keep opening doors on people without enough time units to shoot?! I mean Gunnington got him, but... Harkonnen: "ARGH!" Gunnington: "I got him, Harkonnen! Get up!" Harkonnen: "got me in the back" Gunnington: "Get up!" Harkonnen: "i'm bleeding out" Gunnington: "You are NOT bleeding out! Get back into the fight!" Harkonnen: "arhgh" Lost: "Nice work, Ryan! And I got the other one. Should be all clear out here." Gunnington: "Well, hello there. I think it's time to-" Los Angeles: "- CAPTURE!" Gallipoli: "Did he seriously just steal her kill AND flashbang her?!" Gutwrench: "What she doesn't know won't hurt her, medic. But what she does know? WILL hurt Brutus. Understood?" Gallipoli: "... Yeah." Casualties: Stan Prlwtzplofski, Fortunato Santiago, Recoil Sphinx, Brave Harkonnen, Ebenezer Goldfist, Captain Maximum Bondfield, Patience Viridian But there's almost immediately another UFO splashed... Lost: "Big robed thing got fucked out here by one Paradise Lost, aka 'me'." Gulliver: "Well, so much for enemy variety..." Lost: "Eh?" Gulliver: "Ahh, nothing." Marx: "They got Chainsaw! I missed everything! Eagles, quit posing and help!" Slampage: "Situation's been handled." Marx: "God, thanks." Los Angeles: "Th- th- there's one on the roof! Aaah!" Moody: "AAAAAARGH!" Los Angeles: "Aw, shit... uh, sorry man, this is why they didn't used to give me a gun..." Gutwrench: "Heh. They make a nice squishing sound when they fall from height." Noluck: "Jesus, Mile..." Gutwrench: "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST." I thought I could risk clustering my guys just for one charge through terrain. I was wrong, and now I have literally two guys who can move. Everyone else is dead or panicked or berserking. Gutwrench: "NO! I SHOT YOU! YOU FALL OVER WHEN I SHOOT YOU!" Margrave: "Ack... ha... apparently not, Mile. Rest in peace. I'll avenge you..." God damn it. Casualties: Stephanie J. Blum, Espada Cardstone, Glass Chainsaw, Grit Moody, Brutus Los Angeles, Captain Bavaria Gunnington, Montezuma Steele, Colonel Alex Ryan, Mile Gutwrench Edited February 16, 2015 by Parrhesia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excellen Browning Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 You're killing off my dudes on purpose, aren't you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrhesia Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) Chuck McEnrow and Chelsea Manning died in the fucking doorway to the UFO. In the former's case, on overwatch after throwing the first flare. I'm pretty sure the Polish guy was one of the casualties here. In this massive cluster of soldiers. He may also have been in the next screenshot, breaching. Because you signed him up as a scout. A melee scout. So, frankly, I literally have no idea how you could draw that conclusion. There have been 131 casualties as of this update. No soldier has fought more than ten missions. Sometimes your signups are going to die. Edited February 16, 2015 by Parrhesia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandragon Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 So uh how many guys that leave in reserve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daichi Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Alright, #4 and #5, coming in! Name: Jason Ryan Sex: Male Class: Medic or Heavy Other: Is ready to avenge his fallen siblings. ...Too bad he is fucking horrified of the aliens. (Seriously, find the guy with the lowest possible bravery. That's Jason.) Name: Laoise Ryan Sex: Female Class: Heavy or Scout Other: You know the 'drunken Irishman' stereotype? That's her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dinkiniensis Pontifex Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) Name: Brett Favre Sex: Male Class: Shock Other: An American football player most known for his long career as a quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. He's been called out of retirement yet again to combat the alien hordes. While he's a decent shot with a rifle, he prefers throwing grenades at the aliens as if he were back on the astroturf. Edited February 17, 2015 by Dinkiniensis Pontifex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excellen Browning Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) I thought I was making a sarcastic comment there, tbh. (you might had noticed I put effort into most of my recruits, and I'm sad to see them get so little screentime. Even though I knowingly throw them into classes that don't have much chance for survival to keep the banter gimmicks fresh) Anyway, here's a new batch: Name: Koen Rademaker Sex: Male Class: Medic Other: Dutch. Big fan of the Dutch verse form known as the olleke bolleke. He tries to comment on everything in the olleke bolleke form, as a sort of challenge to himself. Because he now has an english speaking audience, he decided to switch to the double dactyl verse form. Name: Marc D'hondt Sex: Male Class: Scout Other: Belgian elite paratrooper, the Belgian variant on SAS/Delta Force type military units. Unfortunately, the average age of the men in the unit, the pride of the Belgian armed forced, is well past 40. He thinks he's still tough shit, and because of the Belgian inferiority complex, will compulsively tell everyone he meets (especially Dutch people) that Belgian chocolate is great(horribly outdated), Belgian beer is great(in reality it's all samey stuff, hard to taste a difference and in reality doesn't even taste that good) and that Belgian women are pretty(in truth they generally dress really well, but they're not more pretty. Also interesting, Belgian men are absolute beta scum, no wonder nobody wants them) Edited February 16, 2015 by Excellen Browning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Integrity Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 how are you so hideously bad at x-com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrhesia Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Yeah, sorry, I just kind of woke up the wrong side of the bed. With something stuck in my eye. And in my throat. This morning sucked, op! how are you so hideously bad at x-com I am inflicting massive casualties. On everything. holy shit double dactyls are going to be a struggle but i'll try. Edited February 17, 2015 by Parrhesia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrhesia Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) GEOSCAPE "Gentlemen, I know how you must all be feeling. X-COM is more technologically advanced than ever, but casualties only keep climbing! Fear not, for we have the answer." "This. This beaut- what was that? It's... are you unironically saying 'fugly', sir? Well, yes, but it's been built for practicality first, you must understand that. It is approximately twice as tough as the body armour used in the past. Oh, and it's lead to developments elsewhere..." "From a squad of twenty-six, two or three can surely be diverted as a... panic button, if you will." "Take a closer look at Private Ufo Marx, if you will. A former high-end security guard. Yes, we have reassigned him from scouting duties. Note his simple, almost primitive mind. Inclined to follow orders to the letter. Possesses immense brute strength. Yes, this is the sort of man we need bearing this weapon. This weapon of both devastating destructive potential and immense life-saving potential." If you want to sign up as a siege, you can - but they're few in number with a low casualty rate, so I'd only sign up with another backup class too. "Ah, and a perfect test run - yes, Monsieur Chirac, it is headed over Europe with a vicious payload of alien scum. Our recent developments in radar technology allow us to decipher its intent perfectly. No, we don't intend to shoot it down. Air superiority is a very cagey thing, and, after all, we know it's landing anywa- Monsieur Chirac?" "Well, his presence wasn't strictly necessary anyway - the flow of recruits from France had been stemming anyway for some time between you and me. Strange how that terror ship disappeared, however... ah, where was I? Yes, further utility can be drawn from the already excellent Power Suit by adding the Fliegenberg A-Type jetpack. Accusations that the subgroup within XCOM known as 'the Eagles' have taken on a certain godlike quality akin to a cult of personality will surely be stemmed once people realise that this ferocious elite has truly - heh - earned their wings, so to speak." "Either way - the Avenger is being deployed as we speak. We shall now take a twenty-minute recess, at the conclusion of which you may watch at your leisure as the righteous paramilitary fist of XCOM pulverises the alien menace! please keep sending us recruits." BATTLESCAPE Firestrike: "CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT NOOO-" "Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please do not panic- that scout was not, after all, wearing the new patented power suits. The suits which, I assure you, mark our durability as far above any mere xenos!" Firestrike: "It won't diiiee I wanna go home" "ANY xenos, gentleman! Any of them! I assure you!" Flare: "YEAH BITCHES, RANKIN' non-commissioned OFFICER IS IN THE HOUSE, GONNA FUCK SOME SHIT UP" Bruteforce: "Blaze! Shit, they told me he actually lived through some missions once!" Flare: "Shoot back, you pricks! Arrgh, how the fuck do I walk in this thing!?" Flare: "Whatever, area's clear, Command." "And there you have it, Gentlemen! A pleasant and exemplary affair - yes, I'm aware that three soldiers died, Taoiseach - and hopefully a perfect example of XCOM's hopes for reduced casualties in future! Tea, anyone?" Casualties: Susan Moregun, Fingers Luckdice, Synergy Blaze "Ah, thank christ they've gone. Bastards, all of 'em. As long as the steady stream of degenerates flows on, I'll be happy. ... Wait, what was that?" "... An alien base? Follow it, men! Do not! Let! It! Escape! Edited February 17, 2015 by Parrhesia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Integrity Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) name: John Galt Junior class: Siege description: he stonewalls any attempts to out talk or murder him with his armor, both the figurative, capitalistic kind and the literal kind. Edited February 17, 2015 by Integrity Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandragon Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Name: Barack Obama Sex: Male Class: Heavy Other: My fellow Americans. I have heard the complaints that I am not doing enough for this country. So I'm going to fight in a war. In another country. That is all. *sounds of applause and booing are heard* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fengaridotdll Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Name: Optimix Praim Sex: Male Class: Heavy Other: Often confused with a giant robot due to name and build Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daichi Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Fuck it, I'm bored. Here's another deadman walking. Name: Christopher Jackson Sex: Male Class: Medic Other: Was drafted into X-COM. As such, he does not want to be here and will complain at any possible moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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