Fire Emblem Fates Beta Fan-Fiction Discussion: Working Titles

[Taka-kun]

- "Snipe her with a hand axe in the same leg [...]" Uh, wouldn't that just cleave the leg off?

Just reminding that you forgot to adress this.

Just popping in to say that the teaser with Joker was probably the best so far, because you managed to nail him spot on. Laying it out cleanly, he is really a prick but it's because his words ring true and one of his better parts is that he is not pretentious and he is far less judgemental because objectively states the facts, even if they are dripping with cynicism. I love such characters the most and I am glad that the one character I pay attention to you managed to show him pretty spotless. Should you ever find the time, I recommend finding more about Archer, who is Junichi Suwabe's (Joker's VA) most famous role and who I personally believe is the basis for Joker's personality (it can't be a coincidence). Well, I am being really demanding here since you just managed to push the right button on me.

Also

I don't really know what to say other than think about what really matters to you. I was in a similar situation ince but more than anything, it made me treasure the people I have more.

[Blue Sun]

Just reminding that you forgot to adress this.

Just popping in to say that the teaser with Joker was probably the best so far, because you managed to nail him spot on. Laying it out cleanly, he is really a prick but it's because his words ring true and one of his better parts is that he is not pretentious and he is far less judgemental because objectively states the facts, even if they are dripping with cynicism. I love such characters the most and I am glad that the one character I pay attention to you managed to show him pretty spotless. Should you ever find the time, I recommend finding more about Archer, who is Junichi Suwabe's (Joker's VA) most famous role and who I personally believe is the basis for Joker's personality (it can't be a coincidence). Well, I am being really demanding here since you just managed to push the right button on me.

Also

I don't really know what to say other than think about what really matters to you. I was in a similar situation ince but more than anything, it made me treasure the people I have more.

• Oops, forgot about that. Maybe I can just rewrite that into Arthur hitting the other leg which is not as injured and wouldn't be as likely to cleave it off. Problem solved.

Jakob seems like the type of person who is backbiting because he feels that the other person needs to be aware of their faults. He's already unsociable toward nearly everyone who isn't the Avatar (Corrin in this situation) thanks to childhood stress. And since you insisted, I'll look up Archer and give him a read through when I get the time. But boy is Jakob in for a most unpleasant surprise.

I took the news fairly well as far as I knew, but maybe I was secretly stressed out for some reason. I'm more or less fine now. Thanks for the words though man. :)

Also​, I'm surprised no one caught the little Easter Egg reference in the teaser XD.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Blue Sun

[Blue Sun]

UPDATE: The Jakob V.S. Felicia and Suzukaze fight is done and I'm moving on to Kamui V.S. Corrin. Here's what's been done so far.

“‘Tis a pitiful sight to see here Felicia,” Jakob spoke holding his chin in his gauntlet. “You, standing against your own people for our sworn enemies…I wonder how the rest of your Ice Tribe kinfolk back home would take such news.”

“I know that they won’t be proud of me, but what’s done is done Jakob,” Felicia told him sadly. “I can’t return to my family no matter what happens; the king won’t allow it.”

“Unless you’re brought to him as a prisoner of war of course. You may not be tried for treason by now, but you will be tried as an enemy of Nohr and sentenced to whatever the king deems fit for you this time. You stand directly in opposition of our goals while supporting these cretins, and it would be a miracle if you will be granted any sliver of mercy from anyone, even from your own sister. Are you truly willing to doom yourself to face such repercussions of aiding the evil?” Felicia stood in silence, knowing that her life was never going to be the same from that day on. She did not believe that the Hoshidans were bad people like others have said, and though she knew that Nohr was in desperate emergency of resources she would not support their actions. With her mind made up she gave Jakob her answer.

“…Yes. I’m ready to face whatever happens to me. No matter what you’ll say, I’ve made my choice: I will fight for the people of Hoshido.” Jakob gave the girl an intense glare hearing her response, rage and disgust bubbling up inside of him at Felicia’s willingness to turn on her own people, and he took a took a deep breath to gather himself.

“…Hmph, so be it then. You would choose to risk your life for the sake of these people who care not a whit for you, knowing what they had done to our people and knowing what we’re fighting for. Or, perhaps you’re being “convinced” by them to be their obedient service wench? You always were such a naïve little girl. Regardless of what the case is, I will be the one to personally drag you back to your home, on your knees before the king himself, and he will decide your fate for your actions.”

“Felicia is not going back to Nohr with you,” Suzukaze spoke standing up for Felicia. “She had told us of the circumstances behind her exile, and I will not allow her to go back only to be subject to more pointless suffering.”

“Truly now? Well you do not have a say in the matter Suzukaze, and you’re more foolish than I thought to think that either of you are on par with me. And this ‘pointless’ suffering you speak of? Felicia’s misery is brought on entirely because of her own incompetence, and as everyone else does she must pay for her incompetencies with any fit punishment.”

“She will not pay for another’s error. I and the others who truly care for her will be certain that she won’t.”

“Suzukaze…th-thank you…really, that means a lot to me,” Felicia said with a grateful smile.

“You are most welcome Felicia,” Suzukaze replied with an identical expression.

“Very well then,” Jakob began, “enjoy each other’s company while you still can. You’ll all experience the wrath of the Nohrian peoples, and I promise you that you will beg for me to put you into the dirt where you belong…” Jakob drew forth a freeze staff and cast it immediately at Felicia, goading her into dodging toward the “wrong” spot. Felicia was frozen from the waist down to the ground in an uncomfortable position, toning down her infamous skill with breaking kunai and shuriken wielders. He turned his aim toward Suzukaze next, yet the Hoshidan ninja was already closing the distance between the two men. In a heartbeat Jakob switched from his freeze staff to his steel kunai, deflecting the ninja’s weaker attack. Suzukaze did not let up however, using his new momentum to slash across Jakob’s chest lightly before backing off. Jakob flung his steel kunai at Suzukaze in retaliation, but the ninja was too evasive for him to score a hit. Suzukaze flung his gale-dart at Jakob’s leg, successfully landing a hit before he ran back over to Felicia. He pulled out a silver shuriken and began hammering at the ice trapping Felicia while she did the same with a silver kunai. Felicia caught the sight of Jakob speeding toward them with a gold sheen coating his body.

“Look out!” Felicia warned. Suzukaze immediately turned himself around and took a stab to his insides. Jakob prepared another slash when he felt a burning feeling in his chest, staggering away from the pair. When he tried pulling the shuriken out of him the weapon combusted, scorching his chest and hand. Suzukaze was confused for a moment until he saw Felicia with an explosive shuriken in her hand. “I’ll free myself okay Suzukaze?” Felicia said. “For now focus on keeping Jakob occupied, and…please try not to kill him.”

“A-Alright then,” Suzukaze said nodding. He switches his weapon back to his signature gale-darts and rushed toward the reeling Jakob, leaving Felicia to free herself. Despite Jakob’s injuries he was still capable enough to fight back, catching Suzukaze’s arm and throwing him a ways a way and catching up to him in time to land a successful strike on him. With his opponent now in the process of catching themselves, Jakob took his leg and tripped Suzukaze before tackling him to the ground. Wasting no time, Jakob stabbed Suzukaze in the back once more, missing the younger man’s lungs due to his struggling. Felicia watched the tussle from afar, wondering what to do next.

“Oh no, Jakob’s gonna kill him! I can’t just sit here, but I can’t hit him from this far! What should I…wait, hold on a second…” Felicia took another look at the ice surrounding her legs, and after having a realization she promptly slapped herself in her forehead. “My gods, I can’t believe I just forgot about that. Hang on Suzukaze, I’ll be right there!” Instead of hacking at the ice with a kunai, Felicia placed her bare hands on it, focusing her mind on just the ice. As she recalled the teachings of her father and Flora, Felicia imagined the frozen water shattering into tiny flakes, and in an instant the ice had done exactly that. She wasn’t finished with it just yet; even though she was free she learned of a new use for the ice by focusing the ice particles together into a new weapon. When Felicia was finished she took hold of her newest creation: a dining tray made out of ice. “Great Grandmaster Sub-Zero, father, Flora, and all of my Ice Tribe, please guide me.” With her new weapon Felicia ran up to the pair of Jakob and Suzukaze, and before Jakob could land a fatal blow on the ninja Felicia tackled him off of her partner when the butler sat up.

“Felicia?” Suzukaze said. He watched Jakob throw the smaller maid off of him, giving his former associate the evil eye.

“How did you manage to free yourself so quickly?” Jakob asked with a harsh tone.

“Lesson number one Jakob: never fight ice with ice.” Felicia answered before she rushed at him. Jakob jumped into the air to avoid a sliding kick from Felicia, but he left himself open for when she flung her ice tray at his leg. He landed back on the ground in a kneeling position and quickly pulled out his tableware to counter Felicia’s ice tray; Felicia jumped out of the way of the attack and behind the man while slashing at him. As Felicia jumped away Jakob rolled some distance from her and tossed his tableware like a discus; Felicia’s response was to jump off of an ice pillar toward Jakob who took out a silver kunai. He raised the weapon hoping to catch Felicia on it, but she summoned another ice pillar to stand on before jumping behind him. Thinking her guard to be down Jakob flung the silver kunai at Felicia, missing her by a large margin even when she dashed toward him. Before Jakob could defend himself Felicia tripped him with a slide kick and slashed his leg as she passed under him. Jakob’s gasp of pain gave Felicia a start, but she knew that she shouldn’t let him go in the battle; not wanting to hurt Jakob anymore, Felicia stood a fair distance away from him and pulled out the freeze staff she brought from Nohr. She began channeling her ice powers into the staff along with her magic energies to make the effect more potent once she had cast it. Before she could finish, Jakob suddenly tossed his tableware at her again, catching her by surprise and slicing at her shoulder. He didn’t succeed in cutting her arm off but it was enough to make her drop her staff to the ground. Ignoring Felicia’s cry of pain Jakob bolted toward her despite his leg injury and knocked the maid down by charging her, clutching at her throat with his free hand while pinning her down. The two Nohrians eyes locked with each other’s, with pain in one of them and hatred in the other.

“Again you best me in combat,” Jakob snarled, “and again you failed to finish the fight. You may be a more capable unit surpassing me and your sister, but you lack the conviction to win. Your father always told you such, yet even now you ignore his words. Maybe once I cut you open will you less your lesson.” Jakob then did something that brought fear into Felicia’s eyes; he drew forth the dreaded and forbidden deathbringer knife, driving it into her sides with as much ire as he could muster. Felicia could only choke out her scream as Jakob ripped the kunai out of her and slammed it into the same spot, nearly reaching her stomach inside. He went for a third stab but couldn’t; Suzukaze had near-limped over to Jakob and impaled him near the back of his neck with the spikes. It was enough to force the Nohrian butler off of the maid and into a laying position.

“Felicia, hold on,” Suzukaze said to the steadily-losing-consciousness Felicia. “I’m getting you out of here.” The ninja took off his purple shawl and wrapped it around his partner’s waist before hoisting up into his arms. It hurt like Hell to carry her with his injuries but he was determined to get her to safety; he didn’t make it far until Jakob started coming to, and in less than twenty seconds the butler was back on his feet, ready to attack the fleeing pair. His body took on a golden sheen and his tableware shimmered with a golden light, and he winded up his arm to deal a lethal blow to Suzukaze and Felicia.

“You think you’ve won this little skirmish?” Jakob rasped out. “Should have checked to see if I was dead first…I will see you both in Hell‼” Suzukaze caught the words and turned to see Jakob throwing the deathbringer knife at him and Felicia, eyes widening knowing that he couldn’t evade the attack in time to save either of them. He heard another sound making its way toward him, and before he could register it he saw a figure jump in front of him. The next thing he heard was steel meeting steel.

Theme – Tolga Yavuz: Gohan Appears (Remix)

“Not while I’m around Nohrian!” the newcomer’s voice said. Suzukaze recognized it and became immensely relieved that it was none other than his lord, Kamui.

“You…!” Jakob said, surprise evident in his voice. “Y-You’re the lost prince of Nohr…Kamui…”

“Suzukaze, get yourself and Felicia to a healer right away!” Kamui ordered. “I’ll take care of him!”

“O-Of course Master Kamui,” Suzukaze responded. “Best of fortune to you.” Kamui looked back and nodded at the ninja and he directed his attention to the stunned butler. With a determined look in his eyes Kamui slowly inched his way toward Jakob with a mist-blade of Hoshido, and Jakob did his best to hold a combat stance brandishing his signature weapon.

“I will not allow you to carry on any further,” Kamui spoke, “and though I do not wish to kill you I will if I must do so to protect my people!” Jakob stood his ground even as Kamui stepped ever so closer, knowing that he couldn’t take on the prince as he was. He simply needed to stall him until his superior arrived.

“The king has told me much about you Prince Kamui,” Jakob said. “You are the long lost twin brother of my mistress, Corrin. These Hoshidans, they are—”

“My family,” Kamui interrupted. “I am the son of the late King Sumeragi and Queen Mikoto of Hoshido. Corrin is indeed my twin sister, but King Garon had stole her away from our family.”

“What? That’s preposterous; his majesty was attempting to rescue you from Queen Mikoto when—”

“Wrong sir,” Kamui interrupted again. “He had tried to take us both away from our mother at an early age. I may have been young when it happened, but I could never forget that fateful day.”

“You’re mistaken prince; someone else must have—”

“No one had known of the kidnapping but me, my mother, my father, and Suzukaze,” Kamui interjected. “I witnessed it myself, how King Garon and his men ambushed my mother, how he snatched Corrin from her and attempted to do the same to me, and how my father Sumeragi had come in the nick of time to drive King Garon out of Hoshido. You can tell me that I learned of this from someone else, but because I beheld it with my own eyes you will not be correct.”

“Impossible…” Jakob was questioning how it was remotely feasible that Kamui could witness King Garon could kidnap Corrin, but before he could ponder more another person’s voice brought him out of his thoughts.

“Truly now?” the person said. “Are you absolutely certain that that is what you saw? Methinks you simply misperceived the events being the child you were back then.” Both young men were about to turn to the direction of the voice, and Kamui took a blast of Ragnarök to his chest. The attack surprised Jakob, and when he saw who it was he breathed a breath of relief; Corrin had arrived, and she had just cooled down from casting her tome’s spell.

“Milady…where…?”

“I was pulled away by some gooks for a brief moment, but they have been dealt with.” Corrin heard Kamui groaning from the sneak attack and considered her next orders for Jakob. “Find Elise or some other healer; you are in no current condition to continue combat.”

“I—but what of—”

“Kamui?” Corrin gave the downed prince a fierce glare before returning her eyes to her vassal. “He’s mine. Assist the others however you can, but you are to leave Kamui to me. Understood?” Corrin was in no way harsh or domineering with Jakob, but he understood full well to not anger her whenever Kamui was involved. He gave her a tired nod and crept away from the site as best as he could, leaving the two royals to themselves. Once Jakob had left Corrin strolled over to Kamui who had some difficulty standing. “Hmph, you’re not so tough without your little backup singer, are you boy?” Corrin spoke in a tone not unlike Garon when he was royally crossed. “I do not see her with you this time…Where is she?”

“I don’t know…” Kamui answered. “She’s gone.”

“Really now? I imagine that you expect me to believe that don’t you? We fight, I become close to securing my victory against you, and lo and behold some oh-so-high-and-mighty tramp comes out of nowhere and sings songs that completely turn the tide of our battle. You would not have bested me had it not been for that wench interfering, and I’m not so easy to believe that she had completely disappeared so soon after what happened back at the capital.” Corrin reached down at the prince and snatched him up by his shirt, holding him so close that their faces almost touched. “I will not ask you this again so kindly. Where. Is. She?”

“I don’t know,” Kamui repeated. “Honest. She left the next day after you attacked the capital, but she didn’t say where she was going.” At first Corrin glared white-hot daggers into Kamui before she began to calm down; if Kamui was telling the truth then at the very least he didn’t have a trap to spring on her. Realizing this, Corrin slowly began to smile little by little, though her smile was not a kind one.

“Oh? Well then, if this lady friend of yours is truly gone, then I suppose that you have no surprises for me after all.” Kamui realized the ramifications of his words and took a nervous swallow of air. Corrin noticed it and laughed softly, finally easing up knowing that her opponent knew he was in over his head. “Splendid. Well, not for you in any case. I suppose that that removes any outside advantages or disadvantages for us.” With a smirk on her face Corrin gave Kamui a rough shove to the opposite side of her before pulling out the last thing he wanted to see: a wyrmslayer. “Let’s have at it then; a proper battle between the two of us. I’ll be certain to give you one Hell of a time my dear brother…” Kamui saw the look on Corrin’s face and knew that he had to play it smart with her; he drew his mist-blade in front of him and psyched himself up for what would be his most difficult battle yet.

Theme – Dragon Ball Z Kai: Win Tough Fight! (Guitar Version)

This is it; the moment of truth. Corrin's about to go full Saiyan Saga Vegeta on Kamui. Pray for the lad's survival.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Blue Sun

[Taka-kun]

You are working so fast I barely have time to read and analyze, so it will unfortunately be barebones this time:

- The initial exchange between Jakob and Suzukaze is filled with "Jakob did this. Suzukaze did that". It doesn't give a very good flow when you have to state at the beginning of each sentence who it is doing the action. Maybe rework it into "Jakob did this and the green-haired ninja responded with that", like in the previous battles and how you have it sporadically throughout.

- I still think turning your attention away from a current battle is a bad time, especially since Felicia's life isn't under threat.

- Toasty!

- I think I like this battle flow better than the FE style.

- Big damn hero Kamui. I don't have anything against it, but it felt kinda hammy. Then again, Kamui is a shounen protagonist.

- So uh, Corrin just picks Kamui and he does nothing?

- I don't think I like Corrin. She feels like a punk from a gangsta group really, with that mocking tone and hardass attitude.

- "A proper battle between the two of us" and then she pulls out a wyrmslayer. Either she is sadistic or has a twisted sense of honor.

[Blue Sun]

You are working so fast I barely have time to read and analyze, so it will unfortunately be barebones this time:

- The initial exchange between Jakob and Suzukaze is filled with "Jakob did this. Suzukaze did that". It doesn't give a very good flow when you have to state at the beginning of each sentence who it is doing the action. Maybe rework it into "Jakob did this and the green-haired ninja responded with that", like in the previous battles and how you have it sporadically throughout.

- I still think turning your attention away from a current battle is a bad time, especially since Felicia's life isn't under threat.

- Toasty!

- I think I like this battle flow better than the FE style.

- Big damn hero Kamui. I don't have anything against it, but it felt kinda hammy. Then again, Kamui is a shounen protagonist.

- So uh, Corrin just picks Kamui and he does nothing?

- I don't think I like Corrin. She feels like a punk from a gangsta group really, with that mocking tone and hardass attitude.

- "A proper battle between the two of us" and then she pulls out a wyrmslayer. Either she is sadistic or has a twisted sense of honor.

I'm surprised at how fast I'm working too.

• Thanks for the pointer; I tend to do that a bit. It'll be revised at once.

• It's fine that you think it's a bad idea. I wanted Felicia to take part in the battle but maybe I should cut out some of that other stuff.

• Frosty!​

​• Cool! I actually like it more too, so I'm definitely keeping it from here on out.

• ​Never expect him to be too far from his vassals (who got separated from him), and expect him to pull a Big Damn Hero whenever he can (not that he knows what the trope is mind you). I try not to intentionally make a character hammy (unless it's someone like Odin), but Kamui does fill in the role of a more classical hero.

• I was supposed to write it as him still reeling from the attack when she got to him. I'll see what I'll do about that.

• Corrin's personality is a relatively new one that I'm experimenting with (given that it's one I'm inventing from scratch) and I can only ask you to bear with me as I smooth it out right now. She has five pivotal role models in her life (Xander, Camilla, Iago, Ganz despite her recent hostility toward him, and Garon) and several of her traits are based on her interactions with each one while growing up (she had vassals like Jakob, Felicia, Gunter, and Flora help raise her up but they're less influential). Things she really detest tend to bring out the worst in her (such as the aforementioned traits you mentioned), and she can easily snap around those things. Hoshidans, Ganz's actions at the Infinite Chasm, Kamui as of the capital attack, and (especially) Aquazura 's actions at the capital have become berserk buttons for her.

​• Sadistic? That's Zero's forte (not that she doesn't possess any sadism in her). She means "a proper battle" as in a "one-on-one battle of skill", though she is partially subverting that with her wyrmslayer. Sadism and a twisted sense of humor and vengeful emotions are definitely involved here. You'll see more of her later when she's not in "Rragh Kamui" mode.

Edited September 14, 2015 by Blue Sun

[Blue Sun]

UPDATE: the last of the chapter has finally been finished. Here it is:

The two royals circled around each other like rival lions, watching the other’s movements closely to catch any sort of error and capitalize on it. Corrin’s eyes focused on Kamui’s cautious and nervous expression in particular, and a plan hatched in her mind already. All she did was feign an approach, and the Hoshido prince tensed up into a defensive position almost instantly. The Nohr blood couldn’t help but give Kamui a mocking laugh, causing him to ease up a small margin. The moment he did Corrin’s face contorted into a snarl and she lunged out toward him, and the display almost made Kamui freeze up. He readied himself for an attack, but Corrin jumped to Kamui’s side right before reaching him and cast Ragnarök again. The prince dodged the attack in a hurry by rolling out of the way, though this left him open for an attack from Corrin’s wyrmslayer when he stood to his feet. He raised his mist-blade to block the attack at the last second, and Corrin pressed her blade forward to overpower the prince. Kamui dashed to the side letting the force of the swing carry the princess forward, and he took his flying dagger out and tossed it at the Nohrian. The blade landed squarely in Corrin’s hips above her actual hip bones making her stagger forward a little. When the Hoshido prince dashed up to Corrin to deliver a vertical slash, the princess snapped around and deflected the attack with a horizontal slash. Before her opponent could recover she shot out her leg to stomp-kick him away to the ground, knocking the weapon out of his hand. Corrin yanked the weapon out of her hip and returned it to the sender; Kamui looked up in time to see his flying dagger flying at him, and he rolled out of the way. When he made it to his feet, Corrin was already making a mad dash at him, and again he barely managed to defend himself with his short sword right before she could hit him.

“Having fun yet little prince?” Corrin asked him as she bore down on him with wyrmslayer again.

“You call this fun‽” Kamui incredulously questioned. He was about to say more until he felt his feet being swept out from under himself. Corrin followed up her sweep kick with a stomp to the ground, and again she missed her mark on her downed opponent. After moving out of the way the Hoshidan shot himself out at the princess, body slamming her to the ground. He attempted turning her around to pin her down only to suffer a vicious hook to his jaw. It was dislocated from the force of a metal covered fist slamming into it, and he was reeling from it long enough for Corrin to stand back up. Fortunately for Kamui, Hinoka had done the same thing to him a few times during training so he easily put the bone back in place; unfortunately for him this kept him busy, and Corrin’s wyrmslayer drew his blood for the first time. Kamui screamed out in raw agony with the dragon-slaying sword tearing through him easily.

“That’s right boy…” Corrin spoke, “scream for me!” The Nohrian princess slowly dragged her blade through her enemy’s body like a saw, snagging on to little pieces of flesh and coating her weapon in more blood. “Show me how much this hurts!” Corrin taunted. Before the wyrmslayer made it out of its victim’s body it came to a halt, much to Corrin’s surprise. She just realized that she couldn’t move the weapon, finding Kamui gripping on to it as hard as he could.

“You want me to show you how bad this hurts?” Kamui hissed out. “Fine‼” He lashed out with a brutal headbutt to Corrin’s face, breaking her nose a little. The princess did not lose her grip on her weapon, so Kamui repeated the attack. The second headbutt did break Corrin’s nose, yet she refused to let go. This ended up costing her as Kamui ditched the headbutt strategy, deciding to clock her right next to her eye; that finally had a desirable effect as Corrin was slightly disoriented from the attack. She loosened up her hold on the wyrmslayer enough for Kamui to yank it from her and stab her with her own weapon; she didn’t have much ability to restrain her from shrieking from the pain. Kamui was still enraged from the torment Corrin put him through, so he momentarily ditched whatever mercy he had in him and ripped wyrmslayer out from his enemy’s torso, furiously swinging the sword to just below Corrin’s chest a few times. When Corrin was in full thinking capacity she was able to dodge the next swing and punched Kamui in his gut near his wound, striking him with enough power to snap him out of his rage. She took hold of wyrmslayer again yet she tossed it to the side, deeming it to be a hindrance. Instead she took hold of Kamui by his shoulders and essentially killed him with her glare if looks could kill.

“Looks like you’re not such a spineless boy after all…” Corrin said, barely keeping a lid on her anger. “Thank you for the heads up; now I know not to hold back on you!” The princess struck Kamui near his wound with a harsh knee attack, almost making him spit out his blood. The second knee strike to his stomach did so, and a gross amount of blood was splattered out onto Corrin’s chest. The prince was released from the hold, and Corrin fought through the pain in raising her leg in a kick to Kamui’s face, knocking him down. The young prince struggled to stand again, though Corrin grabbed him by his shirt again and held him at eye level. “It’s just as I thought: the only reason you bested me at the capital was because of the singer wench saving you. It’s disgusting and infuriating enough that I was defeated by a Hoshidan knave, but I’ll be sure that it won’t happen again…” The Nohr blood lifted her opponent before chucking him forward to the ground with a hard thud, turning to get her wyrmslayer sword. Before she could touch it another sword still sheathed in its scabbard landed right next to it, complete with a certain Hoshidan sword saint crashing onto the ground near it. It was Ryouma, and the Holy Night Blade that he had was knocked out of his possession. Without noticing anything else around him as he got up, Ryouma was back on his feet and charged with a yell to his opponent, apparently ignorant of dropping the weapon. In spite of the damage she had suffered, Corrin could not keep the wide grin off of her face with the opportunity she was given.

“My, my, look what we have here…” Corrin said walking up to the dropped weapon. “That fool, didn’t even realize that he had just lost his entire kingdom’s saving grace.” The princess reached down and picked up the Holy Night Blade; her heart began racing just from touching the scabbard, and when she lifted the sword skyward a sense of awe overtook her. She was holding the most sacred of all the hallowed treasures, and with it the war’s fate could very well be decided simply by the wielder alone. Corrin unsheathed the weapon in a flash, admiring its golden form and noting how it had a more Nohrian design than a Hoshidan one. “Oh, you are simply a beauty…” The princess noticed a shuffling sound behind her and turned around, finding Kamui on his feet again making his way toward her slowly. Normally she’d scowl at the sight but now she had a smirk of confidence on her face.

“You’re not taking that sword…” Kamui bit out. The prince wielded his short sword and held it in a defensive position, maintaining a solid stance even in his injured condition.

“Oh, and what will you do to stop me?” Corrin sheathed the Holy Night Blade and took up her wyrmslayer once again. “Your injuries are worse than my own, and you expect to retake the Holy Night Blade as you are?”

“You’re not that better off than me,” Kamui rebuked, “and don’t judge me based on appearances alone!” He charged at Corrin and looked as though he would slash her, and Corrin held her wyrmslayer ready to counter him with an attack of her own; the prince dashed to Corrin’s side ducking as she swung for him, and he lunged at her with a tackle. Both of the royals were down on the ground, and the moment Kamui could sit up he grabbed at the Holy Night Blade in Corrin’s hands. The princess felt the weapon being pulled away from her and began tugging back at the weapon. Neither of the two were willing to give up the weapon to their rival, and Corrin was the first to up the ante by kicking at Kamui in his stomach. He flinched but did not relent, and he pulled as hard as he could while attempting to stand up.

“No you don’t!” Corrin shouted as she made it to her feet and redoubled her efforts. As the pair engaged in tug-o’-war with each other, their respective siblings made their way over to them, apparently too exhausted to battle aside of the youngest sisters.

“This battle’s dragging out for too long…” Ryouma said having gotten away from Xander once again. “I’ve heard word of the Nohrian army preparing to retreat, and we’d best do the same after we find Kamui and the others.” Ryouma knew that the soldiers were starting to grow tired from the fighting coupled with the healers’ batons and healing tonics running dry, and with a battle the scale it was coming hot off the heels of his mothers’ assassination, the weariness really showed. Last he remembered Kamui was dragged away by Nohrian soldiers leaving Felicia and Suzukaze to deal with Corrin’s vassal Jakob.

“Hey, Ryouma?” Takumi asked.

“Yes Takumi?”

“Where’s the Holy Night Blade?”

“It’s right—” When the prince turned his gaze to the spot where he kept the weapon, he stopped right on the spot when he noticed that it wasn’t with him. “What the Hell? Where’s the Holy Night Blade‽”

“You mean…you don’t…” All of the Hoshidans came to a complete stop with shocked expressions once they knew that Ryouma didn’t have the weapon with him. “How the Hell did you lose the friggin’ Holy Night Blade Ryouma‽” Takumi yelled.

“You’re accusing me that I lost it Takumi‽” Ryouma shouted back. “A Nohrian soldier could have stolen it from me! I know I had it before I fought Xander again and………XANDER‼”

“What, you think he stole it?” Hinoka asked. “If that’s the case we should head back now; the Nohrian soldiers are beginning to retreat en-masse with a few exceptions, and Xander is likely to be—” Sakura began to tune out her older siblings as they continued to talk on and on about the Nohrians running away with the weapon, and she focused her sights up ahead on two figures apparently tugging at the same object. When she squinted a little she could make out the forms of what looked like Kamui and Corrin up ahead.

“Guys,” Sakura asked getting their attention, “I think I see Kamui and Corrin further down, and it looks like they’re fighting over something!”

“Huh?” Ryouma asked. His eyesight was better than Sakura’s and he could make the two figures out more clearly; it was clearly Kamui and Corrin just like Sakura said, and when he took a closer look at the object they were fighting over he could see that it was not what he expected.

“They’re fighting over the Holy Night Blade…” Ryouma said in a whispering tone. “But…I thought that…”

“We can’t let Corrin take it from Kamui!” Takumi shouted. “We’re thoroughly screwed if the Nohrians get the Holy Night Blade; come on guys, let’s get a move on!” At Takumi’s command the Hoshidan sibling quartet broke into a sprint disregarding how exhausted they were. What they didn’t know was that the Nohrian royal family who was on the other side of them was similarly on their way to Corrin and Kamui as well.

“We must procure that weapon immediately!” Xander yelled. “Let’s make haste boy,” the man said to his horse who whinnied in agreement.

“If we manage to acquire that sword then this war is as good as won,” Camilla said.

“Which is why we can’t let the Hoshidans keep it,” Leo said. “We’re thoroughly screwed if we can’t take it from the Hoshidans now!”

“Wait, I think I see something else up ahead!” Elise said. Both advancing parties noticed the other beelining toward their middle sibling at the same time, and the groups sped up their pace in response. Between Kamui and Corrin, the two kept tugging at the weapon amidst kicking each other anywhere they could and as hard as they could.

“Why. Won’t. You. Just. Give. Up‽” Corrin bit out. “Your tenacity will not pull you through here!”

“Think again Corrin!” Kamui shot back. “Hoshido will win this‼” As they both kept pulling, neither of the two noticed the Holy Night Blade and its scabbard beginning to crack; the more force they put into the weapon the more it cracked. Light strangely began glowing in the crevices though the royals didn’t notice it having their eyes closed. This continued on for a solid thirteen seconds until the two royal families had arrived, and at the exact calling of Kamui’s and Corrin’s names a bright light and a screeching sound erupted from the Holy Night Blade. Everyone had stopped and watched the light and screech intensify before they reached a peak point, and before Kamui and Corrin could let go of the weapon a blinding explosion bathed the entire two parties entirely, sending everyone onto the ground. Kamui and Corrin couldn’t tell what was going on from being disoriented by the blast; they tried to move but they couldn’t feel themselves.

‘Wha…What just…happened…’ they both questioned. Their minds slowly began to lose focus and they were slipping into unconsciousness, but at the very least they could hear their siblings calling out to them. They couldn’t tell for the life of them who it was or who said what, but they swore that it they said something along the lines of “please get up” or “don’t’ die on us”. Soon they couldn’t form a single thought and they could one thing after the light subsided: darkness…they were completely surrounded by pure darkness…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Somewhere in the world, a young aqua-haired woman dressed in white and dark blue garbs stood before a pond, a deep in thought expression crossing her face as she looked off into the water. She held her hands at a small pendant at her chest and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Then, she began to sing.

“Yu~rari yu~rureri~…” With her eyes still closed, she began taking light steps toward the pond, continuing her song, “…utakata, omoi, megu~ru hikari…” By now she was gradually submerging herself more into the water with tears streaming down her face, and before long she had gone completely under the surface. Beneath her laid sunken tree branches, yet as the woman began swimming toward her final destination, the tree branches were soon replaced with full-grown trees and floating portions of castles and land began to decorate the underwater landscape. Right before the woman made her way past a bright light she finished her last segment of the song. “…Tsu~tau mi~nasuji~, sono te ga, hiraku, asu wa~…”

And that's that for this first chapter. I'll post up segments of the entire story soon, and that is when you guys can look over the whole thing and give me your final input on it before I publish it for real. In the meantime I'll get on ahead in working on the second chapter/Nohr's first chapter but I won't show off anything about that until this is published. This thread will be closed down soon and another one will take its place, this time dealing with more stories than just this one (I'll take any recommendations on where the appropriate forum should be).

Edited September 15, 2015 by Blue Sun

[Taka-kun]

Mama mia, here I go again. My my, how can I resist you?

- How does magic work here? Is Corrin holding a tome and then draws the wyrmslayer? I recalled she already the wyrmslayer in hand.

- I am still holding on that Corrin is sadistic or at least relish in making Kamui suffer.

- "Yank it from her and stab her [...]" That was really fast, considering that he got his torso diced and as I understood it, the blade was lodged in him.

- Despite I disliking Corrin's prideful arrogance, it actually gives her more characterization than Kamui. Kamui is still up in the air and his mercifulness is merely talked about than demonstrated so far.

- Uh, what? Ryouma suddenly a berserker? Kinda weird when considering that the sword is kinda important. Battle fever I guess.

- I am really confused of what Kamui is wielding here? Moments ago he had a mistsword, then threw a flying dagger, then forgone his sword for the wyrmslayer, then engaged in a brawl. Did he retrieve his blade?

- Both of them have incredible durability. +HP confirmed.

- What Leo said made me think "Thank you, Captain Obvious". It feels to me the Nohrians would have gotten earlier in such a sprint since they are on mounts.

I have mixed feelings about the quality of this part. You managed to portray Corrin as you wanted her to be, so that's good but the rest still feel bland, with none of Sakura's hesitation, Ryouma's determination, Takumi's hotheadness and so forth. You have to work some more on showing that Kamui is hesitant and merciful and such, in this chapter, he is on par with Corrin to the point they devolved into a brawl and angered quite quickly, despite his supposedly merciful nature. His actions themselves are not wrong (it's still a battle after all) but you have little focus on his thought processes that we are not given proper insight on him.

Still, now you are at least done with a chapter and are well on your way with your fic.

[Blue Sun]

Mama mia, here I go again. My my, how can I resist you?

- How does magic work here? Is Corrin holding a tome and then draws the wyrmslayer? I recalled she already the wyrmslayer in hand.

- I am still holding on that Corrin is sadistic or at least relish in making Kamui suffer.

- "Yank it from her and stab her [...]" That was really fast, considering that he got his torso diced and as I understood it, the blade was lodged in him.

- Despite I disliking Corrin's prideful arrogance, it actually gives her more characterization than Kamui. Kamui is still up in the air and his mercifulness is merely talked about than demonstrated so far.

- Uh, what? Ryouma suddenly a berserker? Kinda weird when considering that the sword is kinda important. Battle fever I guess.

- I am really confused of what Kamui is wielding here? Moments ago he had a mistsword, then threw a flying dagger, then forgone his sword for the wyrmslayer, then engaged in a brawl. Did he retrieve his blade?

- Both of them have incredible durability. +HP confirmed.

- What Leo said made me think "Thank you, Captain Obvious". It feels to me the Nohrians would have gotten earlier in such a sprint since they are on mounts.

I have mixed feelings about the quality of this part. You managed to portray Corrin as you wanted her to be, so that's good but the rest still feel bland, with none of Sakura's hesitation, Ryouma's determination, Takumi's hotheadness and so forth. You have to work some more on showing that Kamui is hesitant and merciful and such, in this chapter, he is on par with Corrin to the point they devolved into a brawl and angered quite quickly, despite his supposedly merciful nature. His actions themselves are not wrong (it's still a battle after all) but you have little focus on his thought processes that we are not given proper insight on him.

Still, now you are at least done with a chapter and are well on your way with your fic.

I must be doing something right then. lol

• Oops, that's a goof. I had this one idea of letting tome users leave the tome clasped to them while they cast magic from whatever hand's free. It would let them use magic attacks more easily in conjunction with physical weaponry. Maybe I should save idea that for later.

​ • Definitely sadistic to a degree#BlameIago, but not as much as Zero (of which you'll see more of later). Moreso with anybody who's directly pissed her off (i.e. Kamui).

​ • ​ I actually didn't want to write out the part where Corrin's still staggering from the hook to the head after Kamui took the wyrmslayer from her.

​ • War changes some people in some ways. You're seeing some people in war mode right now, and it's fine that you don't like Corrin's bitchy attitude. You'll see less of it in later chapters, especially the immediate succeeding chapter (right until it flares back up in the real battle in the plains).

​ • ​Ryouma's definitely got a case of battle fever going on. Poor lad didn't notice the weapon come off of him.

​ • He pulled out the flying dagger while he still had the mist-blade in his other hand. Corrin kicked Kamui to the ground, knocking his mist-blade out of his hands. There's supposed to be some more things in there that I left out by mistake.

​ • ​Inb4Lunatic+ patch. And inb4 multi hit attacks that do one single number of damage.

​ • ​That'll be fixed right away.

​Again, thank you so much for your continued contributions and critiques. I apologize for the lack of proper characterization with this part, and I could say that I don't always get everything right the first time without feeling bad. I aim to improve myself however possible. After the Kamui V.S. Corrin battle gets a little more revising, I'll post the story up in segments to show you the final version. By tomorrow, Chapter 0 will be published here and elsewhere. Seriously man, thanks.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Blue Sun

[Taka-kun]

Like I said in the beginning, you have my support and I'll keep with you as far as I can. At least you handle critique well and aim to improve and that is the most important thing. Do notify me when you feel ready to post the story and officially begin it.

[Ryo]

Minor nitpick but Aqua's song's lyrics is "utakata omoi meguru hakari" :p

[Blue Sun]

Minor nitpick but Aqua's song's lyrics is "utakata omoi meguru hakari" :p

Thanks for pointing that out. That's what it sounded like to me when I listened to it for clarity, but I thought that I misheard it.

[Blue Sun]

I've had a change of plans; the story's out now. Here's the link to the story on this website:

http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=57552

And here's the link to the feedback topic:

http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=57554

Thank you all for keeping up with me in these past few days on this topic, and I hope to be able to communicate with you all more in the future.

Edited September 19, 2015 by Blue Sun