Sara (FE5)

[VincentASM]

Article

Summary:

Sara is a mysterious young girl; the granddaughter of the Loputo Cult's Archbishop Manfroy. She is a typically childish young girl, who gets bored easily and doesn't like being a nuisance. She carries a sad and lonely air, evident from her sombre theme song and death quote.

Bio:

Sara joins Leaf's liberation army when they are on their way to liberate Lenster. If passing through Fort Nohrden, Sara can be recruited by entering the church with any character. When recruited, she seems happy to join the liberation army. Meanwhile, the bishop of the church comments that Sara mumbles strange things often and is quite the odd girl.

If passing through the Melfille forest, Sara initially appears as as enemy and can be recruited by Leaf. In her first appearance, she is speaking with the chapter's boss, Rinecock, who refers to her as "Lady Sara", implying of her high status within the Loputo Cult. Sara asks where her grandfather is and Rinecock tells her that her grandfather, Manfroy, is currently with Prince Yurius at Conote.

Soon afterwards, Sara hears a cry for help in her mind and decides to leave the temple. She discovers that the cries originated from Leaf and decides to help him. While Leaf is confused and pondering what to do, Sara surprises him further by exclaiming that she knows all about him and his deceased parents. She also tells him that her parents are both dead as well- her mother died when she was younger and her father was killed by her grandfather for loving her mother. Sara can also converse with Salem, who knows of her from his time at the Loputo Cult.

After conquering Manster, Leaf obtains the Kia staff, which is required to restore those petrified by Veld's Stone spell, such as Evayle. However he is distraught when he discovers that only those of Manfroy's lineage can use it. Sara then appears to comfort Leaf, by telling him that she can use it, because she is the granddaughter of Manfroy. She also briefly mentions her hatred of her grandfather.

Once the war had finished, Sara quietly disappears. Rumours suggest that she lived a modest and peaceful life under Leaf's protection.

Author's comments

Not exactly one of my best works, but it's been a while since I've written lengthy prose. I don't know if the tense is consistent enough or if it works. At times, I feel like I'm telling a story, which I'm not sure if that's what a bio should be...

Edited October 2, 2008 by VincentASM

[Wist]

I think your bio being written like a story makes it very approachable, but if you're unsure about it you could incorporate more detached descriptions about Sara (like in your summary, or the sentence "She also briefly mentions of her hatred of her grandfather"). I didn't pick up on any tense disagreements when I read it naturally. I don't think it's a problem, but I'm horrible with tenses so I don't know how objective that observation is.... Anyways, if it helps, I'll list what I personally found confusing.

In the third paragraph of the bio, you say: "her mother died when she was younger". The 'she' presumably refers to Sara, but because 'her mother' had just been introduced it's easy to misinterpret who the pronoun should refer to. It helps that the sentence doesn't make as much sense if 'she' refers to 'her mother', but I would change the phrase to something like: "her mother died at a young age" (if you agree that the sentence requires clarification).

I would change "Once the war is over" to "Once the war had finished", or something similar that puts the war into the past. The way it's written suggests to me what should be a projected cause and effect scenario ("Once the war is over, Sara will quietly disappear"). That may just be a dialectal difference (I was mostly educated in the northeast US), but what you wrote looks funny to me. I think other people should comment on this just in case I'm the only one who finds the phrase strange.

"She also briefly mentions of her hatred of her grandfather," should lose the 'of'. There were some abnormally commas but nothing that interfered with reading. The 'they are' in the first sentence of the bio should technically be 'it is' because army is one entity, but no-one speaks like that.

Again, if you're concerned about it sounding like a story you could intersperse some more information about Sara's personality. For example, you could adjust the sentence about the bishop remarking on her odd behavior so that it is a declarative statement: "It is commented in the game that Sara mumbles strange things and is quite the odd girl," or something like that (although I suppose that might invoke your concern about tenses?). I personally don't think it much matters whether you keep it story-like or change it to reflect a more detached viewpoint; it's a clear piece of writing.

[VincentASM]

Thanks ^^

Hmm, I guess you're right about the current style. It works and people should be able to understand it, so... I think I will stick to it (at least for now). That and I'm kind of lazy to do a mass rewrite X D

In the third paragraph of the bio, you say: "her mother died when she was younger". The 'she' presumably refers to Sara, but because 'her mother' had just been introduced it's easy to misinterpret who the pronoun should refer to. It helps that the sentence doesn't make as much sense if 'she' refers to 'her mother', but I would change the phrase to something like: "her mother died at a young age" (if you agree that the sentence requires clarification).

You have a point there. However, I think if you change the phrase like that, it sounds even more like it's referring to her mother. Not sure if it's just me though. I do agree that it needs to be changed though. I just need some time to think of a fix.

I would change "Once the war is over" to "Once the war had finished", or something similar that puts the war into the past. The way it's written suggests to me what should be a projected cause and effect scenario ("Once the war is over, Sara will quietly disappear"). That may just be a dialectal difference (I was mostly educated in the northeast US), but what you wrote looks funny to me. I think other people should comment on this just in case I'm the only one who finds the phrase strange.

I think that works. I kept changing that phrase so many times just to make it sound right.

"She also briefly mentions of her hatred of her grandfather," should lose the 'of'. There were some abnormally commas but nothing that interfered with reading. The 'they are' in the first sentence of the bio should technically be 'it is' because army is one entity, but no-one speaks like that.

The first issue should been fixed now. I agree with the second as well- it's almost definitely wrong, but it just sounds wrong when I do it correctly >__<

I remember a similar dilemma when you're forced to change "me and someone" to "someone and I". However, I'm fine with that now.

[Wist]

You have a point there. However, I think if you change the phrase like that, it sounds even more like it's referring to her mother. Not sure if it's just me though. I do agree that it needs to be changed though. I just need some time to think of a fix.

Oops, I don't know what I was thinking; I should have re-read my post before submitting it. At least you understood what I meant to convey even though my example fix was illogical. Sorry about that.

The first issue should been fixed now. I agree with the second as well- it's almost definitely wrong, but it just sounds wrong when I do it correctly >__<

I remember a similar dilemma when you're forced to change "me and someone" to "someone and I". However, I'm fine with that now.

Heh, English is stupid like that sometimes. Edited October 2, 2008 by Wist