SageHarpuiaJDJ Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 The feedback topic for my battle comic/fighting game story here Thanks in advance! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Read a bit of it. I can already tell you that since it's an original work, you will need to explain a lot more lore as it's brought up. This is ideal for fanfics as well actually. Straight away you mention pigment users without explaining what they are, that will need to be fixed. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottservia Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 (edited) Read a little bit of it and one thing that stuck out to me was the overuse of the word "was". You kept saying stuff like "the young girl was rushing to get somewhere" or "he was in shock". To be verbs are a tricky thing and generally you don't want to overuse because they're telly and not showy. Like instead of saying "the young girl was rushing to get somewhere" you could say "the young girl sprinted past the many skyscrapers lining the city streets. Her eyes widened as she quickly checked a nearby clock. Her legs flashed into a blur as she weaved past the droves of people in her way" Do you get what I mean. Edited March 18, 2019 by Ottservia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 On my previous statement, if you don't want to explain pigment users right away, then you can take that out of the beginning. Like instead of saying this girl is a pigment user, you can just call her a "young woman" or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SageHarpuiaJDJ Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 On 3/18/2019 at 5:55 PM, Ottservia said: Read a little bit of it and one thing that stuck out to me was the overuse of the word "was". You kept saying stuff like "the young girl was rushing to get somewhere" or "he was in shock". To be verbs are a tricky thing and generally you don't want to overuse because they're telly and not showy. Like instead of saying "the young girl was rushing to get somewhere" you could say "the young girl sprinted past the many skyscrapers lining the city streets. Her eyes widened as she quickly checked a nearby clock. Her legs flashed into a blur as she weaved past the droves of people in her way" Do you get what I mean. I get what you mean. I'll keep that in mind is I'm editing my story. Thank you for the very helpful advice! On 3/18/2019 at 5:33 PM, Dragoncat said: Read a bit of it. I can already tell you that since it's an original work, you will need to explain a lot more lore as it's brought up. This is ideal for fanfics as well actually. Straight away you mention pigment users without explaining what they are, that will need to be fixed. Good luck! On 3/18/2019 at 8:06 PM, Dragoncat said: On my previous statement, if you don't want to explain pigment users right away, then you can take that out of the beginning. Like instead of saying this girl is a pigment user, you can just call her a "young woman" or something. Ah. I see. That makes more sense. I just wanted to pointed out why the antagonist was so feared, but rewording it so that pigment isn't straight up mentioned at first may sound better for a mid story intro. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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