screenshot TheMoniker plays all of Markyjoe's crap(ALIVE ONCE MORE)

[MarkyJoe1990]

Wait, this couldn't be-

IT IS

Wil: How odd.

That was it everybody! The infamous MEME O' MONEY!

I will be using it CONSTANTLY from now on.

Even I was guilty of putting the money man in my hacks. Though, I started that meme, so it's okay.

I'm very surprised someone hasn't made him a boss in Ragefest yet. I suppose it's only a matter of time...

I hope you all liked that dialogue, because it's the last we're getting for a while!

I have no idea what the door key is for, since I'm fairly certain that doors don't even EXIST in this hack! Markyjoe? Any reason for that?

For the sake of this cutscene's joke, I wanted to give the player a item, but since you can repeatedly enter this house and get the item over and over again, I had to make it something useless. Hence, a door key.

*gasp*

HER GROWTHS WERE GOOD ALL ALONG

Yeah man! You thought the game was lying? Some of her growths are, like, 90%.

Look everybody, BONUS longbow archers!

Great. Now we get to spend a turn attacking it, then it moving out of our range, then us using the next turn to lure it back, then hitting it again, etc...

This chapter has almost every design I hate. Just throw in arbitrary, untelegraphed ambush spawns, a boss with an Elixir and throne, and a buttload of Luna tome shamans and it's ready to accept the MarkyJoe Seal Of Disapproval™.

That was the last elixir, I'm gonna have to have the two groups meet up. I HATE it when hacks make you split into more groups than you have healers!

I'm all abroad the hate train for this chapter, but that sounds like a self-preference thing. In fact, I contest that. You could probably just head down one path with all your units. You'd be covering less ground, and getting less EXP though, so perhaps I'm just splitting hairs.

Are you guys ready for some...

COPY PASTE REINFORCEMENTS?

You didn't use the image?

Combat! This is why you read this, right? Not for the commentary, I hope, because this level kind of drained me of it.

The most satisfying part of this chapter is having Lyn use her Wo Dao on those pirates, landing a critical hit, and watching the whole HP bar drop to zero.

The shining power of...

WALLET WIL

Through a campaign of self-improvement, he saved up enough to afford an expensive circle thingy!

Kudos to you for getting Wil to Level 18/1. Let's see if you can get some use out of those crummy stats.

And no, he doesn't have a crit bonus. Dangit.

Y'know, maybe I should at least rebalance this game. It wouldn't require much commitment, and I could fix this chapter immensely with slight edits... Can't fix the map size without doing bigger changes, but hey. I've learned that balancing surprisingly goes a very long way in making a hack fun to play.

More power! I wish I could promote him...

(I guess I can, but for some reason I won't)

If you only have one Earth Seal left, I'd say save it for Nino for the boss of chapter 7.

Hmm... unless you can RNG Glitch Rath into killing him...

Peerless? Really?

What's wrong with peerless? That's the exact word he uses in the original game. =X

Combat goes okay, as in, nobody dies.

Oh my god! That HP! Jeez!!

AND KILLED

Screw it, I'm finishing this later. I'm TIRED!

It's pretty bad when you have a long, extremely tedious chapter that's really easy, then the final segment is unreasonably hard and can cause many restarts.

Man. That whole rebalancing idea is sounding more enticing.

Edited March 12, 2015 by MarkyJoe1990

[MrNight48]

It's funny you mention the money man being a boss for ragefest, that's who was the boss in the one I scraped months ago. had this huge story with jokes too. the way it was suppose to go was

part 1: you as a assassin was suppose to find and kill the informant who was going to tip off the money man among npc's. killed the wrong target and they would try to run while the police units show up to stop you (many problems arose from the move codes for them and getting IFCD to work for npc's, got some of it to work but scraped the police idea.)

part 2: avoid the guards and steal a key to get in the merchant's mansion. the sin would have canto from stealing (this is where I burned out and realize I was too ambitious, did not want to program the moving guards, also seeing alfred do it too took the wind out of the creative sails.)

Part 3: reach the money man's room while avoiding random fire tiles and obvious ambush spawn assassin's who have the same target. if you couldn't kill them in 1 turn, they turn into a npc and trigger the alarm resulting in tough guard reinforcements. Meanwhile back in the town where you killed the informant, a dude has to defend the town from bandits. yes my plan was for you to do two different missions at the same time.

part 4: escape to the boat after killing the money man who turned corrupt from earning so much money after that fateful day in fe6, both the sin and the dude that defended the town had to make it

part 5: defend the boat as it sails away (yes, i had a moving boat as part of the map changes)

Big maps are just hard to design in general but I refuse to believe they are instant bad game design. Just needs to be experimented with

[TheMoniker]

For the sake of this cutscene's joke, I wanted to give the player a item, but since you can repeatedly enter this house and get the item over and over again, I had to make it something useless. Hence, a door key.

Makes sense, but if you were really dedicated you could have sold that door key forever and gotten CRAZY MONEY...

I'm all abroad the hate train for this chapter, but that sounds like a self-preference thing. In fact, I contest that. You could probably just head down one path with all your units. You'd be covering less ground, and getting less EXP though, so perhaps I'm just splitting hairs.

Yeah, it kind of is a preference thing. The problem I have with it is that when the chapter's design is clearly set out for me to split up, but I don't have enough healers so one group ends up "running on empty" HP-wise...well, it's just annoying. I normally just keep everyone in one group on such chapters, even if it means the chapter design ends up a bit broken.

Are you guys ready for some...

COPY PASTE REINFORCEMENTS?

You didn't use the image?

I was too lazy to...copy paste...it.

Y'know, maybe I should at least rebalance this game. It wouldn't require much commitment, and I could fix this chapter immensely with slight edits... Can't fix the map size without doing bigger changes, but hey. I've learned that balancing surprisingly goes a very long way in making a hack fun to play.

It would be kind of pointless, since the only time anyone would care about this hack ever again would almost certainly be during and a bit after this LP, but if it's a "cover up the old shame" thing, then sure, go right ahead.

What's wrong with peerless? That's the exact word he uses in the original game. =X

It just FEELS cliche.

It's funny you mention the money man being a boss for ragefest, that's who was the boss in the one I scraped months ago. had this huge story with jokes too. the way it was suppose to go was

part 1: you as a assassin was suppose to find and kill the informant who was going to tip off the money man among npc's. killed the wrong target and they would try to run while the police units show up to stop you (many problems arose from the move codes for them and getting IFCD to work for npc's, got some of it to work but scraped the police idea.)

part 2: avoid the guards and steal a key to get in the merchant's mansion. the sin would have canto from stealing (this is where I burned out and realize I was too ambitious, did not want to program the moving guards, also seeing alfred do it too took the wind out of the creative sails.)

Part 3: reach the money man's room while avoiding random fire tiles and obvious ambush spawn assassin's who have the same target. if you couldn't kill them in 1 turn, they turn into a npc and trigger the alarm resulting in tough guard reinforcements. Meanwhile back in the town where you killed the informant, a dude has to defend the town from bandits. yes my plan was for you to do two different missions at the same time.

part 4: escape to the boat after killing the money man who turned corrupt from earning so much money after that fateful day in fe6, both the sin and the dude that defended the town had to make it

part 5: defend the boat as it sails away (yes, i had a moving boat as part of the map changes)

Big maps are just hard to design in general but I refuse to believe they are instant bad game design. Just needs to be experimented with

That seems kinda insane! It might have been awesome if you had done it, but it could also have been an insane disaster!

Let's skip the intro and get straight to...

The CHAPTER 6 CONCLUSION!

New strats: Florina moved one square to the right!

Canas chips him, moves forward again...

Then does another chip on player phase...

And Nino does the honors!

Glass: It’s going to take a lot more than the strike of your blade to defeat me! Hahahahaha!!

Glass, I didn't kill you with the strike of a blade. Iused a GIANT ICE SPIKE.

She covers all the important areas, not that it really matters.

And we get this too, I guess.

These four won't last long.

Oh great, our favorite cavs MOVE!

...Do we REALLY want this guy on our team? I don't think so.

This won't be canon, don't worry. Kent and Sain have two different recruitment conversations, and, just a heads up, Sain's is WAY better.

Kent: Uh!? You’ve come!?

Nino: Yeah. I did. Now come on and turn blue so we can use you.

Kent: Wait! What about Sain? You can’t recruit him if you recruit me!

Nino: Huh? Why not?

Kent: It’s hard to explain. The boss. Glass. He put a spell on me and Sain!

As usual, not making sense, but WITH LAMPSHADES. Such good writing.

Nino: So wait. If we recruit you, we gotta fight Sain, you say?

Kent: Yes. That is true. Are you sure you can bring yourself to destroy Sain?

Nino: …

Kent: Please. Choose wisely. I… I wish the best for us.

And here I kinda thought we'd get a choice text box thingy.

Yeah Kent, HELLO!

(Actually, this is an alternate timeline, and I'm really gonna pick Sain!)

Kent: …

Nino: Sorry about your butt buddy, Sain.

Nino, you're getting killed off.

Kent: …

Nino: Kent?

Kent: I… I’m so sorry, Sain. I’ve known you for so long. We’ve been through so much together, and now…

Nino: Kent. Oh dear. You’re crying…

Kent: SAIN!!!

Nino: …

Apparently, his random shout summoned Sain or something, somehow.

Kent: …

Sain: I can tell by the look on your face. It’s time, isn’t it?

Kent: …

Markyjoe does not write a good Sain.

Sain: Let’s begin.

Kent: Sain, I can’t do this.

Kent: Our… gay love…

I have so few comments.

SO FEW.

Kent: Sain. Will you… will you be okay?

Or stabbed, or iced, or darked, or electrocuted, or burned, or...lighted...

Wait, Glass died, how can he still have them under the spell?

Kent: …I promise.

And now for the best dialogue yet!

If this means something, I don't know what it is.

Another fade-to-black was apparently needed here.

And now he's on our side! You guys know what that means...

RESET!

NOT ANYMORE!

And now he's dead too.

And Hector comes up from behind and gets the pirate! Look at that cape swish!

Well, uh...I guess it's a good thing Nino didn't have one more point of magic?

Sain: Ah! Wait! Please desist!

Canas: Hm?

Sain: Listen to my words! Due to a spell cast upon me and my fellow knight, Kent you will only be able to recruit ONE of us. Not both.

Canas: What!?

Sain: I mean it. If you recruit me, you will be forced to fight Kent!

He is kind of DEAD.

Canas: Oh… hmm… Pizza. That sucks.

I heard the starting cutscene was cool though.

Canas: …

Sain: Well? What are you waiting for? Ignore me! I refuse to sacrafice Kent for my own hide!

Of course Canas would have read the instruction manual.

And if you're wondering, I'm almost entirely certain that there are NOT different variations of this dialogue depending on the character talking.

Sain: What did it say?

Isn't LXX, like, -30?

Canas: the Fifth Commandment says,

...

You kind of have to wonder about the other nine.

Sain: Oh. Mango. Well…

More adequately, I made an educated choice based on the poll, which hopefully hasn't swung in Kent's favor since yesterday. I really should have checked it...

Canas: I’m sorry.

Sain: …Kent.

Wow, Sain doesn't even need to shout to revive a dead guy!

Sain: The player has chosen. it is time for us to use the technique.

Kent: I see…

And then it's the same as before, BUT NAMED!

Another fade to black signifies his side change...

And then another occurs, because the chapter is OVER, Sain was the only enemy left!

Oh great! You've been dead for like 10 minutes!

You tell him, Eliwood!

Hector: Yeah. What the mango!

Glass: My leg. It’s bleeding!

Did he have like one drop of blood left in him?

Hector: I guess Saiyans aren’t so super after all.

Eliwood: I don’t get it… He didn’t have that cut on his leg a moment ago. What could have caused the bleeding?

Hector: Maybe his genericness made his leg explode.

Are you sure, Hector?

Eliwood: Nino? Heh. It’s about time you got some screen time.

She actually hasn't gotten any.

Eliwood: Oh. Should we go get you some new ones. I hear there’s some nice green panties that would match your hair nicely.

Eliwood: … So… Why are you here anyways?

Nino: I don’t know. Lemme see if I can remember. Hmm… I think it was something about. Oh! Now I remember! About Glass’s death.

Eliwood: You know what happened?

Eliwood: …Are you serious?

Nino: Yup! Best legs I ever ate too! Though, they could’ve used some soy sauce.

Eliwood: …

This is basically foreshadowing for New Fire Mumblem, hence why I'm not shocked by it.

Valuable sentiments expressed by un-valuable characters.

Hector: Not one of them have been the least bit challenging.

Eliwood: Well, look on the bright side. We’re on episode closer to finishing this mod.

Why does this remind me of the "one day closer to dying" sentiment?

Lyn: True, though… the mod is bound to get harder from here…

Hector: I highly doubt that. These last few episodes were as easy as having backrubbing with Florina. She just lets you have her whatever way you want.

Lyn: …

Eliwood: Well. In any case, I’m certain that if we all work together we can conquer any challenges that lie ahead. Right?

Lyn: Yeah! That’s Right, Eliwood!

Hector: True. These episodes may be easy, but that’s because we all kick pineapple. Together!

And with that semi-upbeat dialogue, we segue nicely into...

Uh...

Uhhhhh...

NEXT TIME: Final chapter(prelude)! Also, final thoughts! And stats! If anyone cares!

[MrNight48]

it was leaning towards massive fast clusterfuck because i was cutting a lot of things I found I couldn't get to work. Although now that I know how IFCD works exactly and the workaround for it, I could finish it for a extra chapter in rage emblem.

Also nino is awesome, don't be a tyrant.

[Doctor Robert]

Let me use my fake book knowledge and real scholarly-ness to answer your unasked questions!!

If this means something, I don't know what it is.

With the power of Google, I have discerned that er... let's just say it's really REALLY gay.

Isn't LXX, like, -30?

There is no negatives or zero in Roman numerals; it's quite simply why they all died.

LXX is 70 [Two Tens (XX) more than Fifty (L)] Which is A LOT for like the preamble-y part of an instruction book... the bit where they usually number it in Roman numerals. Unless you know your numerals, the joke is lost, however... VAGUE REFERENCES UNITE!!!

I heard the starting cutscene was cool though.

It was. It also had the advantage of being one of the first games ever to have a cutscene!! :D

If he writes a bad Sain, he writes a terrible Nino (but that's half my own headcanon speaking... seriously though, this Nino sucks XD )

Edited March 13, 2015 by Doctor Robert

[TheMoniker]

There is no negatives or zero in Roman numerals; it's quite simply why they all died.

LXX is 70 [Two Tens (XX) more than Fifty (L)] Which is A LOT for like the preamble-y part of an instruction book... the bit where they usually number it in Roman numerals. Unless you know your numerals, the joke is lost, however... VAGUE REFERENCES UNITE!!!

Ah, you're right, I got my numerals totally wrong.

Let's skip the intro and get straight to...

Old Fire Mumblem: BONUS EPISODE!

I think this might be slightly incorrect.

Everyone just sort of spam-spawns in, with no dialogue to speak of.

So...yeah. This is the unfinished final chapter,

So. This is how it is. There are squads of enemies, of increasing size, led by a variety of different bosses. More and more squads show up, and you have to work your way around to the center, to beat that sage guy (OR, you could just have a flier ferry everyone across the incredibly tiny and unprotected river gap). But the chapter can't be completed, because the ending was never programmed in. The chapter objective is obviously no help, and I've tried seizing the throne, beating everyone, and beating the boss(I guess he falls under "everyone"...).

And I'd just like to say that I'm NOT playing through this chapter. Why? Because it would be POINTLESS! Just a massive hours-long slaughter for me, and some updates that aren't that hilarious for you! If this was an LP of just this hack, maybe, but we've got New Fire Mumblem to get to here! I don't want to keep everyone waiting!

For the curious, the enemy stats:

The generics are level 17, but they still suck.

That's right, Batta! Don't remember who the others were, but most of them had Earth Seals, so you can promote pretty much everyone!

Oh, and the sage guy?

That's right everyone, the creator of this hack! Markyjoe apparently decided to use his real name or something. Didn't know he was named Black Fang.

Anyways, while I'm sure you're ALL EAGER for me to give him a stomping, be patient! There will be another opportunity later in this trailing of his hacking journey...

For those of you who don't know, that's the portrait used for Markyjoe in several ragefests. That's how I know it's him.

FINAL STATS:

She was okay, but not that great.

You suck Eliwood. Seriously, you didn't get anything(but luck) in the double digits with 11 levels!

Hector was amazing. Tanky, strong, skillfull...wish I could have promoted him.

I get the feeling she would have been OP tier if I had actually promoted her into a sage.

Looking back...this was a pretty stupid idea.

Nothing to say, really. Useful and that's about it.

I get the feeling if I had healgrinded just a bit more, Serra would have promoted and been fantastic.

Canas, on the other hand...his stats looked good, but then I actually used the seal, and now I don't know what I saw in them.

I get the feeling that Florina just isn't supposed to get that much strength.

My point still stands. Great growths don't matter when it takes tons of favoritism to get anywhere, XP-wise.

Didn't use. Don't care.

I've said this before, but Dorcas's problem is that he brings nothing new to the party. Hector ALREADY does everything he does!

There's no way to know if he would have turned out good.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This was another bad hack. Maybe not quite as bad as the last one, as it at least had some semblance of order, but still terrible. The dialogue was admittedly funny at points, but so tasteless I'm fairly certain many lurkers were offended. The censorship thing didn't work out nearly as well as I thought, so I'll probably just drop it. As far as gameplay goes, bad character balance, bad map design, bad enemy balancing, and...some other fourth bad thing...reigned. Hopefully, New Fire Mumblem will be a bit better... Of course, I'm not going into these blind, so I already know.

[Doctor Robert]

Oh my God, that portrait!!! AHHHHH!!! *Convulses and dies*

*Is immortal anyway* That hair, that ear placement, that eye... God, that makes Corrupt Theocracy's customs seem dandy as candy.

This was another bad hack. Maybe not quite as bad as the last one, as it at least had some semblance of order, but still terrible. The dialogue was admittedly funny at points, but so tasteless I'm fairly certain many lurkers were offended. The censorship thing didn't work out nearly as well as I thought, so I'll probably just drop it. As far as gameplay goes, bad character balance, bad map design, bad enemy balancing, and...some other fourth bad thing...reigned. Hopefully, New Fire Mumblem will be a bit better... Of course, I'm not going into these blind, so I already know.

I would infer that it was written to have some very run-of-the-mill jokes that a bunch of very average 17-year-old guys would laugh at in the locker room. Since I was never an average 17-year-old and I've always hated locker rooms (and locker room humor)... I smiled weakly a few times. Some of the writing that wasn't a dirty joke wasn't *bad* quite... just not good either... It was *okay* in some places and not my cup of tea in others.

I agree, this hack, though bad, has the sense in it of a stirring greatness... Will that greatness manifest itself in MarkyJoe's later hacks!?!?! Well, I dunno, never played 'em... so let's find out! :D

[Klokinator]

Oh my God, that portrait!!! AHHHHH!!! *Convulses and dies*

Video response

[TheMoniker]

Sorry I haven't been able to update as much lately, I've had less free time... I'll keep chugging along at at least 1 update per day, though.

So, today we start NEW FIRE MUMBLEM, or, FIRE MUMBLEM REVISED! There's a lot of new stuff, such as an "overarching plot", "balance", and, most importantly, actual FUN! To demonstrate this, here is...

THE TITLE SCREEN! ISN'T IT GREAT?

So, let's get started!

The EPISODE 1 PRELUDE!

Ignore that CH. 4 thingy.

I think this one also uses my good name for several things.

Eliwood: Being away from that whole Fire Emblem gig sure is relieving. All I have is my awesome castle, and my awesome throne.

Yeah Eliwood, this doesn't look quite like Pherae...

Looking at the throne again, it just wasn't that awesome, huh?

Eliwood: In fact, how did I get here? … Oh god no. It can’t be.

Logical conclusion, right?

Eliwood: God damnit! I KNEW there was a reason why I was breaking the fourth wall!

Eliwood: …And Nino too, because we might need more awesome at our disposal.

Why don't you just call everyone?

And so, Eliwood pulls out his cell offscreen and calls everyone up.

Three people on one side of the screen! Not something you see every day!

Eliwood: Relax ladies and gentlemen, and Lyn. It’s just the effects of flawed story telling. Listen. I hate to bring the bad news but…

Lyn: WH-WHAT!? ANOTHER ONE?

Nino: Aw crap. Just when I was fixing my panties.

Hector: Sweet! I love Mods!

Self shout-out?

Eliwood: Look guys, if we wanna make it through this mod we’re going to have to work together. Understood?

Lyn: Right!

Nino: Got it!

Hector: Pickles.

Eliwood: …

Hector: Yeah yeah I know. Cooperation and all that jazz. I’ve been through these mods before.

Eliwood: Good. That might help us.

*momentary pause*

I don't know Hector, it-

NO WAIT! THERE IT IS!

Batta: Yes. It’s me! Back from the grave which you put me in! Guess what? I’m full of hax now! All thanks to this mod!

Lyn: Right after I tear hacks all over your body!

What a nice pun!

Eliwood: Whoa. Lyn. Don’t underestimate him! He might actually not be joking!

Batta: Hehehe! He’s right, you know.

No, Marky didn't actually make him revive upon death.

Lyn: …

Batta: Anyways, with my new beastly roar, I’ll be sure to make you all fall to my axe! Troops! Come on out!

He doesn't have a beastly roar...

But he DOES have troops!

And a VERY SLOW walking speed!

*GASP*

And thus, the OVERARCHING PLOT begins to show itself!

Markyjoe: Excellent. Finally my plan has come into motion.

Batta: What are you going to do now?

Markyjoe: Are you curious?

Batta: Well yeah. Why else would I be asking, dumbass?

Markyjoe: Ahh. I see your point.

Markyjoe: Don’t worry about me. Go and exact your revenge, Batta.

Markyjoe writes a bad Markyjoe.

Batta: No problem, sir.

Markyjoe: Good luck.

END DIALOGUE

We start the chapter, but not before getting this! Somehow! Must be Eliwood's pocket money.

Oh, what?

So, basically, every episode has these new "bonus tasks". If you actually do them(which I will at least TRY to), you get rewards. It's mostly gold, but I think there's some other stuff in there too. No idea if he did any ASM in this hack, or if he waited until Chronicles of Lussaria.

So yeah, 13-turn defense mission first chapter. There aren't THAT many enemies around, thankfully.

Let's look at our guys!

Nino...I'm fairly certain she's less OP, but I don't know for absolutely certain. We'll be using her. Also, note that we have altered descriptions now, as well as a new vulnerary item!

Lyn's kinda crappy, but she starts with a Wo Dao, so as long as she keeps critting she'll manage good damage.

Eliwood is fairly competent, but we can only hope he gets better levels than in Old Fire Mumblem. Crack is our new elixir, and the Wave Runner is basically a massive buff to swords, acting as a javelin/hand axe, but AS A SWORD. Not sure whether it hits Def or Res, but I'm guessing Def.

Hector is our last character for now, packing good defenses and power, and little else.

Don't worry, the generics suck too! Everyone has altered descriptions now. so I'll be showing off as many as I can!

Batta himself is pretty much the same as in Old Fire Mumblem. He won't be hard to kill. At all.

NEXT TIME: "Defensive" slaughter!

[Doctor Robert]

Video response

Oh indeed, that's where I've seen this before! (I'm just that old that I can't remember things I saw two or three years ago)

Next time I get a bloody cut, I'm putting toast over it.

Markyjoe writes a bad Markyjoe.

Yeah, that's a terrible rendition. But that could be half my headcanon talking again.

I wonder if that's what MarkyJoe really looks like? With like a cancerous growth on his head and lil'ears and his head is at least twice as big as the average...

[MarkyJoe1990]

Chapter 6 conclusions

And here I kinda thought we'd get a choice text box thingy.

Remember. I didn't know how to make conditional events until Revised Edition.

Nino, you're getting killed off.

I take great joy in insulting the player. This trait will never leave.

Markyjoe does not write a good Sain.

I have yet to see someone who does. It's hard for me to explain, but everyone kinda just makes him annoying. He's way more likable in the original game.

And now for the best dialogue yet!

If this means something, I don't know what it is.

Sain: I want to suck Dragon dick.

Kent: Dragon dick tastes very good

Sain: When I put it in my mouth, I choke a little.

Of course Canas would have read the instruction manual.

And if you're wondering, I'm almost entirely certain that there are NOT different variations of this dialogue depending on the character talking.

You'd be correct. I wanted everyone to be able to recruit him. I figured it would be nice and convenient for the player.

...

You kind of have to wonder about the other nine.

For a moment, I thought of writing the other nine right now. Too much work. =S

And then it's the same as before, BUT NAMED!

I forgot this one specifically, but I think it's "Dragon Dick Sucker"

Valuable sentiments expressed by un-valuable characters.

I don't know if I was just trying to be in-character, or I actually thought this at the time. Though, I remember being shocked when BuringPenitentEngine didn't like this chapter, so I'm guessing the former.

Chapter 7 and final thoughts

Everyone just sort of spam-spawns in, with no dialogue to speak of.

The hack ends as it began; Without cutscenes and dialogue.

It's almost poetic.

So. This is how it is. There are squads of enemies, of increasing size, led by a variety of different bosses. More and more squads show up, and you have to work your way around to the center, to beat that sage guy (OR, you could just have a flier ferry everyone across the incredibly tiny and unprotected river gap). But the chapter can't be completed, because the ending was never programmed in. The chapter objective is obviously no help, and I've tried seizing the throne, beating everyone, and beating the boss(I guess he falls under "everyone"...).

And I'd just like to say that I'm NOT playing through this chapter. Why? Because it would be POINTLESS! Just a massive hours-long slaughter for me, and some updates that aren't that hilarious for you! If this was an LP of just this hack, maybe, but we've got New Fire Mumblem to get to here! I don't want to keep everyone waiting!

If you trained Nino enough and gave her some healing items, you can ferry her over to the boss and defeat him in just a few turns.

Of course, I never indicated that this was a "defeat boss" chapter, and your Nino might not be strong enough.

Anyway, more on this chapter. I believe this was going to be the final chapter of the hack. You fight the creator of the hack, then Eliwood and Co. exit the hack, and the status quo is restored.

This chapter has a few other notable things about it.

- I learned how to make conditional events. This chapter used to have a question prompt after several turns passed, asking if you wanted the final battalion of enemies to be Dark Druids, or Bards. If you chose Bards, you'd get Bards... with Ereshkigal and absurdly high stats. The correct choice was the Dark Druids, who would spawn... unarmed and weak. Sounds pretty ragefest-y, eh?

This question prompt never made it into the released version however. Probably because the released version isn't fully up to date (The newest version is gone with the sands of time...). Or maybe it is... I don't know. You have to go through several turns before it actually happens, and I never play the chapter the intended way.

- This chapter is also the one where I learned a very important level design technique. I would predict the player's path and the speed at which they could arrive at certain locations, then time events and adjust enemy positioning so that the player would constantly have something to do. Of course, it is far from mastered here: I never planned for the player skipping the whole path and ferrying Nino straight to the boss. I also didn't plan for the possibility that the player might not WANT to go through the chapter fast, and instead camp in the forest area. A few of my chapters after this would have countermeasures to things like turtling. Not always though. Fire Mumblem: Revised Edition gave the player a lot of freedom on how they approach a chapter.

The reason why this chapter was never finished... is because by this point, I realized I could do better than Old Fire Mumblem. I went back into the lab, worked on refining my skills and learning new ones such as map changes. Then, with my new arsenal of tools, I started work on Fire Mumblem: Revised Edition, eager to blow BuringPenitentEngine's mind.

That's right everyone, the creator of this hack! Markyjoe apparently decided to use his real name or something. Didn't know he was named Black Fang.

This chapter was supposed to have more text edits than this. The released version just doesn't for some reason.

Anyways, while I'm sure you're ALL EAGER for me to give him a stomping, be patient! There will be another opportunity later in this trailing of his hacking journey...

For those of you who don't know, that's the portrait used for Markyjoe in several ragefests. That's how I know it's him.

During this chapter's production, I realized that I needed to make a portrait for myself, since I was the antagonist. I'm not an artist, but I've a storied history with making art constantly as a child (I made comics for years), and I took lots of art classes back in high school, so I had at least a little talent. Seph1212 gave me lots of feedback, and I used the original FE7 portraits as references. The fruit of my efforts was the now iconic MarkyJoe portrait, used in many Ragefests and in that one thing Klokinator made with the loads of characters based on forum goers. I have no regrets.

While I've been making an effort to improve my art skills (With surprising amounts of success and progress), I don't think this portrait will ever be forgotten. Frankly, I'm glad. This portrait is bad, but it's hilariously bad, and it will forever hold a place in my heart.

FINAL STATS:

My point still stands. Great growths don't matter when it takes tons of favoritism to get anywhere, XP-wise.

Relative to your other units, that's still not that bad. She's one of your fastest units. Also consider that she's mounted.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This was another bad hack. Maybe not quite as bad as the last one, as it at least had some semblance of order, but still terrible. The dialogue was admittedly funny at points, but so tasteless I'm fairly certain many lurkers were offended. The censorship thing didn't work out nearly as well as I thought, so I'll probably just drop it. As far as gameplay goes, bad character balance, bad map design, bad enemy balancing, and...some other fourth bad thing...reigned. Hopefully, New Fire Mumblem will be a bit better... Of course, I'm not going into these blind, so I already know.

You keep getting its name wrong. Fire Mumblem: Revised Edition. ;-;

/endnitpick

Old Fire Mumblem was definitely my "transitional phase". While it is not good, I learned a bunch because of feedback from friends and my drive to impress and laugh at BPE's videos.

I feel that every novice hacker should try and make a hack like this; unambitious, experimental, harmless, and amusingly dumb. I've met so many novice hackers who get in way over their head trying to blow everyone's minds. To me, that's just setting yourself up for failure, and your priorities are far from the right place. Don't ever get into FE hacking with some kind of plan. Do it for the lulz. Start small, have your friends LP it, laugh at their videos, and definitely stay away from forums. I was a fool to present Revised Edition and Chronicles of Lussaria to the public. I put way too much pressure on myself to meet everyone's expectations and give back to a community I felt little attachment to, and that - among the numerous bad stuff that happened over the years - destroyed my will to continue.

It's hard for me to explain how disappointed I am in myself. I have so many talents, and my exploits have taught me so many valuable lessons about FE hacking and level design. I see the potential I have, and I still have that craving to express myself in the form of an FE hack. But I just. can't. do it. The frustration is at times unbearable.

Edited March 15, 2015 by MarkyJoe1990

[TheMoniker]

The hack ends as it began; Without cutscenes and dialogue.

It's almost poetic.

So many almost-poetic things

-massive Chapter 7 info dump-

That's interesting! It would have been cool if it had been finished, but...actually, not that cool. I think you were right to go straight to New Fire Mumblem.

You keep getting its name wrong. Fire Mumblem: Revised Edition. ;-;

New Fire Mumblem is less of a typeful.

I feel that every novice hacker should try and make a hack like this; unambitious, experimental, harmless, and amusingly dumb. I've met so many novice hackers who get in way over their head trying to blow everyone's minds. To me, that's just setting yourself up for failure, and your priorities are far from the right place. Don't ever get into FE hacking with some kind of plan. Do it for the lulz. Start small, have your friends LP it, laugh at their videos, and definitely stay away from forums. I was a fool to present Revised Edition and Chronicles of Lussaria to the public. I put way too much pressure on myself to meet everyone's expectations and give back to a community I felt little attachment to, and that - among the numerous bad stuff that happened over the years - destroyed my will to continue.

It's hard for me to explain how disappointed I am in myself. I have so many talents, and my exploits have taught me so many valuable lessons about FE hacking and level design. I see the potential I have, and I still have that craving to express myself in the form of an FE hack. But I just. can't. do it. The frustration is at times unbearable.

Really, I think that if you did go back to hacking, you'd do amazing, but I can totally understand having that weird mental barrier that you just can't get past. You just can't get started...unfortunately, I don't know how to overcome it, but I do hope you manage to get back into hacking someday!

Also, with regards to your comment on "do it for the lulz", if you want to see an example of a hack where someone started making a hack with a plan but no experience, and instead of scrapping it and never releasing it to the public, instead just kept doing it until it was FINISHED, but with the same terrible level of quality throughout, go to Corrupt Theocracy. I haven't recommended it yet because I've been wanting to avoid SHAMELESS PLUG, even though there have been many references, but it's just too perfect of an example.

Let's skip the intro and get straight to...

New Fire Mumblem: Episode 1: Episode 1: Batta Dies Again + The Raunchiest Scene YET

Hector starts by pounding the soldier.

And Eliwood finishes! The Wave Runner is pretty much a giant red...wave.

Nino summons fire to defeat a fighter!

Dodging!

Cavalier reinforcements, hurrah.

Our first level! And...it's relatively unremarkable!

This hack has a lot of shops too, if I remember right.

Nothing we really need in the shop, but I could use some iron stuff, don't want to be relying on Prf weapons forever.

A talk? Okay!

Eliwood: Hm? Oh Hector. What brings you here?

Hector: You looked like you were deep in thought. I figured something was on your mind. Is there?

Eliwood: Have you noticed that Batta’s down there in that alley all by himself?

Hector: Yeah. What about it?

Eliwood: I find it suspicious. Do you think he’ll call forth minions the moment one of us gets in range?

Hector is DEEP IN THOUGHT.

Eliwood: He’s bound to have some dirty tricks waiting to be used. After all, he IS a bandit.

He's actually a warrior!

Hector: Damn, I just had a thought. What if he does it on OUR turn?

Eliwood: You mean the moment one of us is close enough?

Hector: Yeah. We won’t be able to move that unit out of the way!

That's...not helpful at all!

Yeah!

But anyways, that was a genuine hint. We'll see it soon.

More dodges, and Hector gets a VERY DEFENSIVE level. I have no complaints.

More cavaliers, but we've already cleared the majority of the enemies. Not that there were ever that many.

House!

House dude: I mean sheesh! It’s placed right in the middle of a battlefield right next to a stone wall!

Nobody knows.

I assume this is because of the bonus task thing.

Oh no, fighters from the back! THEY WON'T TAKE THIS CASTLE! NOT TODAY!

(they can't actually seize the throne)

Eliwood crits, and Hector...doesn't.

Lyn moves into Batta's immediate range, but nothing happens...

So she moves a bit closer, WHEN SUDDENLY...

I really wish we had a cavalier or something to rescue her out of there, but as it is, we'll just have to hope for dodging.

This isn't that bad, but there's nothing to say that Eliwood won't just end up sucking...again...

2 out of 3!

Batta: You think you can stand up to the new and improved Batta the Beast?

Batta, we've heard your song before. Just die, please.

Uh...beautiful!

More fighters, whoop de do.

Die!

(Batta obliges)

Batta: I thought this mod made me full of hax! Fuck you, Markyjoe1990!

We've seen that before, too!

Strength! Hurrah!

And now she just has to survive the fighters.

Everybody fails to dodge...

Right until it's important!

And now she's overleveled. Great.

MORE of these guys!

Last one!

...

Hmmm...

ALL UNDER 17 OR WHATEVER AVERT YOUR EYES

OR SCROLL DOWN REALLY FAST

OR SOMETHING

Why do I have to do this...

Why...

Make it stop...

MAKE IT STOP...

Welp

*CRINGE*

Who even locked it?

There might be variations for Eliwood/Nino too, but...I'm not going through that again.

Nino the Nerfed, everybody!

Don't worry, she's still somewhat alive!

Turn 11, this is the last wave of reinforcements.

More unremarkable death...

AND THEY'RE ROUTED!

We're done here.

Hector: You did pretty well out there, Eli mah boy.

Lyn: With that amount of enthusiasm, I think we have what it takes to beat this horrible mod!

Eliwood: You may be right, Lyn.

Nino: Yay! Dead bodies!

This is how you advance plot in real life, people.

Lyn: That’s a great idea! I’ll go this way!

,..

Time for our REWARDS!

...I hope the rewards aren't ALL gold...

NEXT TIME: Evil Lyn final battle? Maybe? I forget if she appears again...

[momogeek2141]

My god. That was worse than LuciannaxRaven.

[Doctor Robert]

Wow! These new palates are cool! Lyn looks good in purple!

But anyways, that was a genuine hint. We'll see it soon.

There was a massive rise in the quality of writing there too. It felt like Eliwood and Hector there!

There might be variations for Eliwood/Nino too, but...I'm not going through that again.

You are wise, Moniker. MarkyJoe, why must you be 15 in the worst possible way??? Meh, why am I being so hard on the chap? Bad Doc!!!

My headcanon is DESTROYED!! And utterly NUKE'D!! The funeral's at 8, the wake's at 9, and there's a continental breakfast at 10... Then I'll have to clone a new headcanon!! DX Don't mind lil'ol'me

...I hope the rewards aren't ALL gold...

I still think the concept is pretty cool! Why can't the real FE have this?

So yeah, a rise in quality except the raunchy bit here, this is fascinating!

[MrNight48]

hehehehehe HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm dying, that was bad. hahaha

[MarkyJoe1990]

Fire Mumblem: Revised Edition Episode 1 replies!

THE TITLE SCREEN! ISN'T IT GREAT?

I have always embraced crudeness. Thinking about it, I think a large influence on my ROM hacks were those low quality, offensive rom hacks made by people such as Jomb. You know, the hacks that usually get reviewed on I-Mockery? Speaking of which, there is something to be admired about a man who is bold enough to make a ROM hack about Hitler fighting Wilfred Brimley in a gun fight to the death.



Yeah Eliwood, this doesn't look quite like Pherae...

If I were to guess, he is actually in Bern.



Self shout-out?

It's probably a reference to the second chapter of Tactician Hell that was never finished/released, but I think moreso that it's a reference to kaizo hacks in general, since those, alongside the aforementioned offensive hacks were the ones I was most exposed to at the time.



Lyn: Right after I tear hacks all over your body!

What a nice pun!

The jokes that you like or dislike baffle me. That line was laaaame.

Batta: Hehehe! Hes right, you know.

No, Marky didn't actually make him revive upon death.

I more or less dropped that idea by this point.



But he DOES have troops!

Must be his fan club from back when GhebFE/GhebSaga was still relevant.



Markyjoe: Dont worry about me. Go and exact your revenge, Batta.

Markyjoe writes a bad Markyjoe.

I don't like how I wrote myself in this hack. I made myself too serious and wimpy. Some of the lines later on just make me groan in utter annoyance.

Thankfully, after Fire Mumblem and numerous Ragefests, I got much better at it.



We start the chapter, but not before getting this! Somehow! Must be Eliwood's pocket money.

Prolly. By the way, I recall FE7 giving him cash at the start, but you don't have to see the "Got 5000 Gold" window if you skip it. Not so here.



Oh, what?

Gameplay innovations! Something I take great joy in doing.



So, basically, every episode has these new "bonus tasks". If you actually do them(which I will at least TRY to), you get rewards. It's mostly gold, but I think there's some other stuff in there too. No idea if he did any ASM in this hack, or if he waited until Chronicles of Lussaria.

Fire Mumblem only gives you gold for bonus tasks. I thought about giving the player other prizes, but decided that giving them the freedom to "decide their prize" through shops was more rewarding overall.

And yeah, I didn't change the rewards until Chronicles of Lussaria. That's when I learned ASM. I tried learning it during Fire Mumblem with Ryrumeli's help, but couldn't wrap my head around it. Later down the line, Blazer helped me figure it out, and then I proceeded to use it for my numerous tricks in Chronicles Of Lussaria. I might make a tutorial in the future on how to do basic ASM stuff.



Nino...I'm fairly certain she's less OP, but I don't know for absolutely certain. We'll be using her. Also, note that we have altered descriptions now, as well as a new vulnerary item!

Nino more or less feels like a normal mage in this game. Her bases (and I think her growths) were nerfed pretty hard, but since she's a mage and joins so early, it balances out.

Despite this, she is still very good.

Also, Toast heals 10 HP? I thought I changed it to 15. Hm...



Lyn's kinda crappy, but she starts with a Wo Dao, so as long as she keeps critting she'll manage good damage.

I very recently played through Fire Mumblem: Revised Edition literally a week or so ago. I'll explain why later, but from my experience, Lyn and Nino are actually the best units in this game. Lyn's good mainly because of her starting equipment, particularly the Wo Dao.



Eliwood is fairly competent, but we can only hope he gets better levels than in Old Fire Mumblem. Crack is our new elixir, and the Wave Runner is basically a massive buff to swords, acting as a javelin/hand axe, but AS A SWORD. Not sure whether it hits Def or Res, but I'm guessing Def.

Conversely, Eliwood no longer has the Light Brand, and the game is very stingy with them this time around. As a result, Eliwood's a very average unit. Though, I do believe his growths, particularly defense, were buffed.

The Wave Runner's a good buff to swords, but lately I've been thinking that, like bows, swords should be stuck to one range, and compensate by being better statistically. This idea's still a work in progress though, so... eh! *shrug* Maybe I'll change my mind.



Hector is our last character for now, packing good defenses and power, and little else.

I made very damn sure that Hector was around the same level as the other two Lords. I'd argue he's the worst this time around considering the prominences of swords this time around, plus that speed.



Don't worry, the generics suck too! Everyone has altered descriptions now. so I'll be showing off as many as I can!

Is that... is that a soldier with not completely garbage stats!?



Batta himself is pretty much the same as in Old Fire Mumblem. He won't be hard to kill. At all.

I find Batta kind of scary in this game. In Old Fire Mumblem, you could throw Lyn at him and call it a day, but here, he has that damn bow to make things way more complicated.



And Eliwood finishes! The Wave Runner is pretty much a giant red...wave.

That is the Exaccus spell animation. It's available in FE7's data, but causes the music to stop. Thankfully, Pukachi or someone else made a spellfix hack for it, allowing me to use it for this hack.



This hack has a lot of shops too, if I remember right.

What I mentioned before about frequently putting shops and armories in chapters is moreso true in Revised Edition. I think literally every chapter has one except Chapter 3x.



Yeah!

But anyways, that was a genuine hint. We'll see it soon.

THIS LINE.

I remember now...

This was around the time when I started doing my FE Hack Review series. Archibald requested I play Elibian Nights, I complained about the ambush spawns in Tale 3, we clashed, and then I added this talk event into Revised Edition, both to cover up the Batta reinforcement cheapness a bit, and out of spite.



More cavaliers, but we've already cleared the majority of the enemies. Not that there were ever that many.

Revised Edition has a lot more restraint when it comes to enemies. Copy/Paste reinforcements are never a thing in this hack.



I assume this is because of the bonus task thing.

Yeah. Though, in hindsight, I could have made it so you could re-enter the house multiple times without sacrificing anything. It's better this way though. If you are uncertain if you entered a house or not, you can just hover a unit over it and see if the visit command appears. That's better design.



Oh no, fighters from the back! THEY WON'T TAKE THIS CASTLE! NOT TODAY!

(they can't actually seize the throne)

I wouldn't call this a defense mission. I more or less tossed you into a map, asked you to survive for a couple turns, and gave you extra stuff to do if you wanted. It's very flexible. Perhaps too flexible.



Lyn moves into Batta's immediate range, but nothing happens...

I wish there was a way to make Batta's vision range clearer here, but basically, Lyn would need to be one tile lower to trigger him.



I really wish we had a cavalier or something to rescue her out of there, but as it is, we'll just have to hope for dodging.

You could have just spent an extra turn closing in under the cover of the trees. You got 13 turns to work with. >_<

I think at one point, I wanted to make his activation event trigger after you end your turn, but I recall finding it difficult. Or maybe I'm thinking of Chronicles of Lussaria...



And now she's overleveled. Great.

Lyn's top tier in this hack, man~

WARNING: NAUGHTY WORDS. SCROLL DOWN PAST THESE TWO IMAGES TO PRESERVE VIRGIN PURITY.



Why do I have to do this...

Oh come on, man! This line is hilarious! So much so that my fans quote it during my streams alongside "Money is important!"

I mean. Of all the sex jokes I've made in this one and Old Fire Mumblem, this one sticks out as actually being clever!



*CRINGE*

Wh-what!? Cringe!? This line's fantastic! You're a tough crowd, man! ;-;



Who even locked it?

I'd assume Hector is trying to cover up his crime.

There might be variations for Eliwood/Nino too, but...I'm not going through that again.

Only Hector has a special conversation with her.




...I hope the rewards aren't ALL gold...

They are. It's not until Chronicles Of Lussaria that I made the rewards more varied.

Also, yay conditional events!

Looking forward to Episode 2!

Edited March 16, 2015 by MarkyJoe1990

[TheMoniker]

Fire Mumblem: Revised Edition Episode 1 replies!

The jokes that you like or dislike baffle me. That line was laaaame.

I was being sarcastic. Can't blame you though, I'm kind of inconsistent with my sarcasm...

Fire Mumblem only gives you gold for bonus tasks. I thought about giving the player other prizes, but decided that giving them the freedom to "decide their prize" through shops was more rewarding overall.

Disappointing, but okay... Of course, it would have been nice if you put some crazy expensive, crazy awesome items in shops that you basically NEEDED the task money to earn, that would have made it more rewarding.

I wouldn't call this a defense mission. I more or less tossed you into a map, asked you to survive for a couple turns, and gave you extra stuff to do if you wanted. It's very flexible. Perhaps too flexible.

If you don't care about bonus stuff, you can pretty much just sit in the middle of the castle, and everything will be fine.

Looking forward to Episode 2!

Let's skip the intro and get straight to...

New Fire Mumblem: Episode 2: Episode 2: Part 1: Doing Things

GUESS WHO IT IS?

Eliwood: How can you say that, Hector!? It took HOURS to finally get here.

This is actually funny.

Hector: It was right behind you. Me and Lyn followed it.

Eliwood: Oh. Hey wait a minute. Where’s Nino?

Hector: Erm. Funny you should ask that. I went looking for her yesterday back at Episode 1.

Eliwood: Did you find her?

Uh oh...

Eliwood: …Yeah?

Who does that? Seriously, someone later on is just gonna find a castle ground with skeletons everywhere. It'll be a museum or something eventually! Don't be irresponsible!

Eliwood: Yeah. What about them?

Oh, did somebody bury th-wait a minute...

Eliwood: Hang on a moment. What does this have to do with Nino?

Eliwood pretty much sums it up, as usual.

Hector: …Lyn had some too.

Eliwood: WHAT!?

Hector: … Yeah.

Okay, NOW I'm confused.

With pleasure!

You suck Wil, get out.

If you saw this coming, raise your hand...

Nice to meet you too!

Evil Lyn: I dunno why, but apparently I’m guarding this castle. Wait… Doesn’t that mean I’m an evil boss? Sweet!

*gasp* SO EVIL

Evil Lyn: Too bad it’s only Episode 2 though. That means I gotta hold back on the good guys. Ah well. Just as long as nothing gets in the way of our epic battle…

END DIALOGUE

Task time!

So yeah, we have "LTC", "do side thingy while doing LTC", and...secret ending? Oooh, definitely getting that one...

As far as a time limit goes, 14 turns is pretty generous, unlike in Chronicles of Lussaria, where the time limits are so insanely tight you have to pretty much use one specific strategy and do a good job of it to succeed. The rewards are things OTHER than gold, though...

Here's the map! It didn't align right AT ALL, so I can't do one of my cool screenshot maps. Note the placement of the two houses, we HAVE to split up if we're going to hit them both in time.

Wil will be joining us for this chapter, and he's actually okay this time around. Maybe I'll try to train him, maybe not. We'll see.

There's plenty of generic Jerks hanging around too.

Evil Lyn! This is actually the last time we'll see her, ever, and we will be not -loud bus goes by-

What's this thing? I'll have to check it out at some point.

And so it begins! WilRobin Hood can one-shot the pegs this time around, even if he gets weighed down doing it.

I got Lyn a Wave Runner, but she can't use it well.

I think Eliwood might turn out better this time, guys!

Oh great, ANOTHER one of these jerks!

Magic?

Perfect time for visitations!

Helpful dude: She’s a good fighter, and believes in having a good match with her foes. If anyone tries to interfere with her battles, she gets quite angry. I wouldn’t be surprised if she even stopped fighting with her opponent just to get rid of the interference.

It totally was.

For REASONS Nino re-gets her level. Not sure how to feel about this.

You suck, Hector!

Another one? Of course.

Anyways, time to see what's in here!

What do YOU think, game?

Suddenly, we see a quick flash of a helmet guy! So fast, I couldn't screenshot it!

OH YEAH!

N: Oh christ. NOW what are you gonna do?

OH CRAP, A BERSERKER

Maybe this wasn't my best idea...

Everybody RUUUN!

He can one-shot Nino, so we'll be spending a lot of time hoping he doesn't do that!

Oh, what? A mercenary?

Raven: TIME TO GO FIND HECTOR!

Hector, huh? Shouldn't be too-

OH CRAP, HE'S ALL THE WAY OVER HERE

WHY COULDN'T RAVEN SETTLE FOR ELIWOOD INSTEAD

What a great time to crit!

He'll crit at an even BETTER time later!

Raven looks pretty powerful...

WHICH IS A BAD THING, BECAUSE WE MUST STALL HIM

Still not happening.

Oh, huh? Looks like Billy crossed THE LINE!

Evil Lyn: Who in the wrong onion(this isn't censorship) woke him up from his slumber? Wait a minute. He’s interfering with my battle! This makes me ANGRY!

And then she disappears for a minute...

Evil Lyn: … This may take a while.

Now we just have to-

WELL NEVERMIND THEN

Cutting it here.

NEXT TIME: Getting everything done! ...Somehow.

[HF Makalov Fanboy Kai]

oh jesus that looks tough

[Klokinator]

I keep waiting for good dialogue in these hacks. No idea why.

Nino eating corpses was pretty funny though.

[RandomSwordmaster]

I keep waiting for good dialogue in these hacks. No idea why.

Nino eating corpses was pretty funny though.

inb4 it turns out she actually did something else

[TheMoniker]

oh jesus that looks tough

To be honest? It's not, not really.

Let's skip the intro and get straight to...

New Fire Mumblem: Episode 2: Episode 2: Part 2; Evil Lyn INTERVENTION

Forgot to show Nino's death quote. And I did restart...the turn.

THIS time she stays on a forest!

Oh, really?

8 turns left!

Such a bad archer...

This is even BETTER than a forest!

WHAT

NO

I CALL BS

Make that 450 Raven, you have a grudge against Eliwood now.

SALT IN THE WOUND

*one restart later*

Hurrah! An ACTUALLY GOOD level! Will Wil turn out better this time around! We...won't get the chance to find out.

Many Wave Runner uses were wasted this chapter.

MANY.

Finally! Thank you!

Hector: Guy I don’t know!

Raven: We meet again, for the last time!

Hector: You wanna piece of me, pretty boy? Come right at me! I’ll break your face with my nipples alone!

Raven: Not before they shatter from the will of my nose!

...What...

How did that happen?

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

I feel your pain, Raven!

Raven: …

Hector: Well, since the RNG refuses to let us fight, Wanna join my group of merry men?

Raven: Robin Hood Yeah!

Hector: Cork Screw!

And that is how he got on the team.

Oh hey, I found the solution to the armor problem!

So many Wave Runner uses!

The good news is...

Oh, and after the dialogue, she turns green! She's helping us now!

Black palette!

Well...

Oh no, whatever shall we do?

Wil: YES! Hand ‘em over, Granny!

Wil: Well, I’d better leave now. My friends are currently fighting for their lives.

Grandma: Take care, dear.

*GASP*

And now we visit the shops!

OH CRAP, IT'S A DEALER

The armory contains slightly more legal fare, although I doubt carrying massive axes around in towns is gonna work out too well.

So many sword uses...

Gone...

*cries*

Nino: Erm. Maybe?

Evil Lyn: Why did you do that!?!?

Nope Nino, it was all you.

Evil Lyn: This is no time to be emo! You’re not Cloud Strife!

Is Nino shocked at Lyn saying that to someone clearly wearing mage robes, or is it something else?

Evil Lyn: Good bye.

Oh, right, they don't know.

So, are you all ready for...

THE MOST RIDICULOUS COMBAT STATS YET?

And now, everyone BUT Billy...

And this myrmidon...

...is dead. Including the myrmidon.

And now we can DANGIT

Well, Turn 13! The limit is turn 14...

And we TOTALLY MADE IT! Goodbye, Billy!

Nobody cares!

This though, I DO care about!

You shall be missed...

Evil Lyn: Call me Evil Lyn. And it was no trouble. Just be more careful next time. Okay?

Eliwood: I understand. Maybe.

Nino: Wow, that was a powerful magic tome. Where’d ya get it?

Evil Lyn: The Library.

The capitalization makes it seem special, and if it was just a normal library it'd be funny, but now I can't tell...

Nino: Wow! I should go there sometime!

Eliwood: What the hell is a library?

They HAD libraries in your time! HD tvs nonwithstanding!

Eliwood: Where will you go?

Evil Lyn: Don’t worry about me. I can assure you. We will meet again.

Fun fact:

WE'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN! That's the last chapter featuring her! That was the final "confrontation" with Evil Lyn! Goodbye, in-joke!

Nino: Evil Lyn, huh? She seems much more interesting than the real one

Eliwood: Indeed.

...I'll just ignore that.

THE WRITING!

Hector: Now THIS is a kid who knows how to live!

REWARD TIME!

SO MUCH CASH

WE ARE DROWNING IN IT NOW

AND NOTHING TO SPEND IT ON

While there probably was another variation of dialogue for what happens when you kill Evil Lyn and leave Billy asleep, and maybe a THIRD variation for when you wake Billy and kill Evil Lyn anyway, I'm just going to assume they're both lame and not get them.

NEXT TIME: The final chapter where you control Eliwood and co.! Except for another glitchy finale I will be showing and not playing! This is it everyone! The semi-final-thingy!

And you just BET I'll be abusing one specific glitch to totally break the chapter!

[Doctor Robert]

Black palette!

Wow! that makes Raven look even cooler!! (I wonder if his sword is made of Strawberry rock candy?)

OH CRAP, IT'S A DEALER

It makes me wonder if there's a country on Earth that has like street vendors that sell toast and that that country is likely to have snortables at a local bookstore too!!

THE MOST RIDICULOUS COMBAT STATS YET?

I prefer the Divine Nuke. It so totally has more uses

SO MUCH CASH

WE ARE DROWNING IN IT NOW

AND NOTHING TO SPEND IT ON

Says the chap who earlier said he were running out of the EXPENSIVE!Wave Runners...

Edited March 18, 2015 by Doctor Robert

[lonelyVoxel]

Says the chap who earlier said he were running out of the EXPENSIVE!Wave Runners...

Heh.

Why not waste uses of an Iron Sword instead?

[TheMoniker]

Says the chap who earlier said he were running out of the EXPENSIVE!Wave Runners...

They're like 500 gold, buying an extra would barely make a dent in our funds at this point.

Heh.

Why not waste uses of an Iron Sword instead?

Lyn was, unfortunately, not holding one.

Let's skip the intro and get straight to...

New Fire Mumblem: Episode 3: Episode 3: Part 1: Mansion of TORCH GLITCH

I like the title, I think it really describes the feelings of my audience.

Weirdest diagonal positioning yet!

Hector: It’d be nice to watch some Asian chicks having sex right now.

That's actually a good point.

Hector: We’re video game asian. There’s a difference.

TV is apparently a sixth sense for Eliwood.

Hector: We must hurry or else I’ll die!

Lyn: Die of what??

Hector: Cancer.

I've already contracted it from these hacks, and have about 2 weeks to get to Chronicles of Lussaria before all my hair falls off.

Eliwood: Follow me.

Guess who it is!

Bartre: take my TV while I’m watching my new favorite show! Scrubs! No one interrupts me when I’m watching Scrubs! Time to go kill him!

And then he tries to leave, but stops at the door...

Bartre: Hmmm… Oh wait. That’s right!

...What?

Bartre: What was I thinking? …Man, I hope he comes back soon because I gotta take a shit.

Isadora: I have to go find Eliwood quickly before it’s too late!

Don't worry, there will be no blatantly rigged battles this time around!

Get up Isadora! Before all the generic enemies come out!

YOU'RE ON A HORSE.

Isadora: … Wait! My Eliwood senses are tingling also! He’s heading this way! Maybe if I remain here, he’ll be able to find me! Though, considering how much I suck… I don’t know if I can hold out. Curse my base stats…

END DIALOGUE

How nice, an early prep screen! I just hope it isn't used to-

LIMIT OUR DEPLOYMENT? ALREADY? WHAT THE HECK?

Whatever, let's get started...

Oh, reinforcements!

Eliwood: Cool! What can you do?

Serra: I can heal.

As you can see, they haven't changed.

Canas: … But I really AM black.

Eliwood: Clearly you aren’t. Now cut it out, this game’s rated ‘E’ for everyone!

Are you ENTIRELY sure about that, Eliwood?

Canas: Yeah? Well. I’m rated ‘B’ for black!

Eliwood: My virgin ears!

Moving on...

THIEF GUY!

Legault: That’s right!

Eliwood: What brings you to our company?

Legault: This place has chests. As such, your army is obligated to have a thief unit.

It's true.

Eliwood: Huh… I should’ve saw that coming.

Legault: Yeah. By the way, this is Bartre’s castle.

Eliwood: Bartre? You mean that crappy fighter unit we get in the original game?

Legault: The very same one. Better watch out though. He wants you dead.

Eliwood: If he stands between us and Television, Then we’ll just have to move him out of the way.

Legault: So does this mean I’m on the team?

Eliwood: Yes. Start opening those chests, Legault!

Legault: Woo!

Okay, let's see what we've got this time around...

And that's it. In my first playthrough, the event of him not making it in time didn't trigger, so I kinda thought I had infinite time going in here. Turns out that isn't the case.

Pardon the weirdness, things didn't line up quite right.

I don't like it when other LPers fail to at least give the start-maps, tbh. I'm always curious about what the maps look like!

So...you guys remember the title of this episode?

Don't we all? Legault actually looks pretty good, even if that poison sword will hold him back.

Canas isn't that great. I'll let him help, though.

Whatever.

Today, we'll be dealing with the ASSHOLE ARMY!

Not sure if she has good growths, since due to the hack ending this is the ONLY complete chapter she appears in, but those bases kinda suck.

Also, she WON'T be getting attacked constantly this time around, which is nice, but those reinforcements will eventually come, and when they do...

The armory has an ordinary selection, except for the useless horseslayer because there's no cavs this chapter.

There's a torch offscreen, but they're ALL gonna be dealers from now on, aren't they?

So...

Let's do this.

AFTER viewing this talk!

Nino: …? Oh hi, Canas. How are you feeling?

Canas: Quite alright. Say. Nino, may I ask you something?

Nino: Sure.

Canas: May I take a look at that pendant you wear?

The first time I played this, I thought it said "underwear". Or maybe that's a different memory?

Nino: Yeah sure. I’ll open it for you.

Canas: You’re the daughter of Iris aren’t you?

Nino: Huh?

Canas: The woman on the left. She’s your mother, right? You look so much like her.

Nino: …! Y-yes, actually! So… that was her name? I never knew what the letters next to her meant. I was never taught how to read. But… how do you know her?

Canas: My late wife had a sister named Iris. We used to talk.

Nino: So… does that make you my uncle?

Canas: …! I suppose it does! Wow. Seems my hunch was correct this time. It’s a shame I must get back to the battle. Shall we chat later?

Nino: That’d be nice.

Canas: Splendid!

*sigh*

And another one!

Florina: Eeeek! Don’t eat me!

Hector: Ew. No thanks, I’m not into that. However, I got something I’d like you to eat.

Florina: Huh? What would that be?

Hector: Awesome. Meet me behind this castle after we win.

*SIGH*

Okay, NOW we can get back to doing the-

...Wrong tile. Dangit.

ONE TORCH STAFF SPOT RE POSITIONING LATER

(And like 10 tries to get it to work)

WE HAVE TORCH GLITCH!

I can see EVERYTHING now.

Here are the Dorcas?'s.

I could make them all suicide...

Or I could just make them drop their weapons.

And move, for no real reason!

(Except Bartre, because I feared breaking his event)

Protip: Having enemies rescue other enemies makes them even weaker!

Okay, I've done all I wanted to do.

And this guy shows up immediately, as a reminder that this won't ALL be a cakewalk.

Also, I forgot to mention this earlier, but fog vision was buffed to 5 spaces. Makes things a bit more convenient.

Not as good as his Raven-murder level...

NEW PALETTES! ATTACK!

And now I can see EVEN MORE.

OH NO, A 1-2 STAT MONK

You suck, Nino.

KNIFE

Legault's palette doesn't look very changed.

Buffness!

Death by poison!

Wow, so THREATENING.

Oh?

Yeah!

Something came from over here, too...

There he is. Let's look closer...

Joey kind of sucks, but his weapons certainly don't.

Except this weird Luna sword. I mean...you did realize you gave him 4 strength when you gave him this, right, Markyjoe?

Good luck with that, buddy.

NEXT TIME: Me somehow still managing to have deaths.

[MrNight48]

couldn't resist the torch glitch could you....

also I agree, devdan doesn't count. hell he doesn't even count as a legit fire emblem character.