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Innocentmask
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Demand to see the newspapers or whatever source said I died.

Your female friend got pregnant, and now the father of her unborn child doesn't want anything to do with her. She's really upset. She thought he loved her. She wants your advice or help.

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Exaggerate as much as possible how much I love him as both a president and a human being while wearing as many American flag merchandise as I possibly can (T-shirt, shorts/pants, socks, etc.). I'm going to embarrass myself anyway, so I might as well go out in style.

A very flamboyant magic man asks you to pick a card. Any card. You see an ace up his sleeve.

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Pick the Ace up his sleeve.

You're stuck in an apartment for 6 months and it's beneath a guy who plays your most despised genre of music 24/7 at maximum volume to where you can hear it as clear as though you were in the guys room, the landlord is A-okay with it, you cant afford to move into another complex, and you don't have any money to go out and have fun in town.

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Buy some noise-proof headphones.

Your toddler son won't stop asking you "why" after you give an explanation for something. He keeps going "Why? Why? Why? Why?"

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Learn the moral that you can't do everything yourself, and accept help from friends and allies.

You find out the hard way that you have 30 minutes to file your taxes.

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If an earthquake happens, protect yourself right away. Drop, Cover, then Hold On!

If in a vehicle, pull over and stop.

If in bed, stay there.

If outdoors, stay outdoors.

Do not get in a doorway.

Do not run outside.

Yes I googled and copy pasted the result.

You're being controlled by an evil force! The evil force is making you move farther and farther away from home.

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Get a new toaster that can toast toast because I can't live without toast damn it! (Not a joke, actual fact.)

You've been shipwrecked on a island with 15 other people and your group's leader is a communist.

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Capitalists are the scissors to a communist's paper. We won't kill them, but we might make them swim with sharks. After they're gone, attempt to maintain order, set up a way to survive, and wait for rescue.

You and another person that you don't know have been placed into a windowless room that is fully carpeted (so the walls and ceiling have carpet, too). You're both tied to steel chairs with elastic rope, and there is a single candle placed between the two of you. There is about 10 feet of space between the two chairs, so there is about 5 feet between you and the candle. Whoever can escape from bondage first is allowed to leave, but the other will die. There are no visible doors, and the candle's flame is dying fast.

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Somehow grab the candle and burn the ropes off of both me and the other person and attack the captors because I am not playing by their rules. Turns out there's a door that's visible with some looking!

You're on public transportation and you sit down and there's something that stinks to high heaven under your chair.

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Make sure whatever it is its beneath the chair and not on the chair.  If more people get on, stand up and offer the new person a chance to sit where you were just sitting.  After that, hope they don't have as good smelling as you do.

You're on a week long vacation in a place with a perfectly legal brothel that's only open for two days out of the week you're there and has the men/women of your dreams.  Then you realize you left your wallet and your money back at your house and no one is willing to lend you anything.

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The brothel doesn't concern me, I want a one lady stud, not random hookups. I still have my phone, so I can call someone back home and see if they can mail the money to me.

A crisis has happened and you had a way of knowing it would happen, but you had no time to warn everybody and no way to really fight back. Now that the crisis is averted and things are back to normal, people are looking at you in a different way, a bad way, and they won't stop giving you crap.

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