General Banzai

Meanwhile, in a nefarious evil lair. I may have had a Warp staff once, but surely the Jew sold it. Blast! Perhaps it was a different Saphy. It is an incredibly common name. Anyway, we have something more important to discuss, Count Dorias. We cannot allow this Linoan whore to continue managing the army. Agreed. Her social justice warrior approach to tactics affronts all the don wrote. Worse yet, she may even win! A corrupt priestess who flaunts Naga's law is worse in my eyes than the vilest Jew. (Sweet, no longer the worst.) To allow her victory, even over the forces of Loptyr, shall not be condoned. I know, we'll put her on trial! I can be the judge. You're not good at that. I am a most excellent judge, I'll have you know. My judgments are as efficient as my tactics. Your sentences, however, carry little weight. Nonsense, I utter "I hereby sentence (name) to death" with all due gravitas. It takes more than vocal enunciation for your jurisdiction to be respected. We must enact more subtle measures if we seek to succeed. I suggest poison. Somebody mention poison? Reasonable rates. Why are you here, Jew. "Conspiring means someone's buying," as is my motto. Also "Interest 40 percent or don't loan a cent" and "Coin in coffer rings, soul from purgation springs." Oh hey, I love indulgences! Me too! An awkward moment passes while Saphy and Shiva realize they have something in common. ...Bleck. Anyway, my good(?) Semitic fellow, you mentioned items of a venomous persuasion for sale? Yeah. Come check out my wares. Shiva, Dorias, and Saphy exit. Why is my army so psycho. Wait, Finn. While I have you alone, I have a request. Ugh, what is it. Impregnate me. I'm not really—what. You heard Daddy. If I get pregnant, he'll spare my life. It's n-not like I like you or anything... Look, Selphina, I love nothing more than impregnating chicks. But you're my best bro's wife. How can you even think about cheating on him? Last time we met he tried to murder me. Well, that's inconsequential. I'll take no part in adultery. (My heart belongs to Raquesis anyway.) At least you seem to remember her name now. Plus, I'm not fathering a kid for Dorias to murder, that's shitty too. Sigh... Now go away so I can draw lines on my wrist with red marker. (Continued)

Whatever, it doesn't matter. What matters is Nicaraf's forces. Nikolov's forces. Thank you Eyrios, thank you for out-Hitlering Turbo Hitler with your grammar Nazism. Is it grammar, though? I think it's a spelling issue. SIGH. ONCE WE'VE MOVED TO THE CENTER. NIKOLOV'S FORCES AND MOORE'S FORCES AND THE SILESIAN MERCENARIES. WILL PINCER US FROM THREE SIDES AT ONCE. THEN THE GELPRITTER ADVANCE SQUAD LED BY GENERAL MUELLER— You mean Myuler. THERE IS LITERALLY NO DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY THAT IS PRONOUNCED. The Y in Myuler indicates a long I sound, like "Miyuler." "Mueller" is more— NO SHUT UP NO SHUT UP NO. Whoa. Linoan. Chill. GRRRRR Remember your yoga lessons. Deep breaths. Release your inner zen. Say it with me: Om... OM. Deep cleanse your chakras. Find the dgaf deep inside you. I'VE FOUND THE DGAF. Oh no, that's not the voice of a dgafer. You need to visualize the dgaf. Become the dgaf. ... I am visualizing the dgaf. Reach out your hand, Linoan. Seize the dgaf. Linoan reaches out her hand. She seizes the dgaf. The dgaf is mine. Now, as you were saying? Yes. The enemy forces are arranged to lure us into the center. Then they will destroy us from all sides. However, Aerial Team will take out Moore and the mercenaries before that can happen. That means Ground Team can clean up the weak enemies in the center with no trouble. It's the perfect opportunity for our weaker units to gain experience. Namely, me and Selphina, because our other archers are too hopeless for salvation. Gimme a chance, coach. I'll show you the MIGHT OF MY MAGIC (growth). Wait, are you, are you saying I'm... not hopeless?! I'm saying I got nothing better to work with. Oh... Well, thanks for the consideration at least. If you, me, and Eda get to reasonable level, we'll have much more tactical versatility. With future battles promising to be even harder, we can't afford useless units. Now, does anyone have any questions? ^__^ What happened to Marty? NOBODY CARES ABOUT FUCKING MARTY (Continued)

Those two conspiring can't be good. But at least they're out of my hair for now. Where were we? Oh yeah, Aerial Team. Misha, you'll be rounding out the squad. So, um, kidnapping me doesn't automatically make me a team member— Farina. My orders, general? Your high magic makes you perfect for striking against Bishop Moore's mages. Dean will assassinate Moore himself— Sounds hard. God shut up. Do we need another Fun with Base Stats? You can do it easy. Anyway, after Moore's dead, Farina and Eda clean up the rest of the mages. Afterward, your mission is to move north and intercept the Silesian mercenaries. They're all weak Pegasus Knights. Focus on feeding Eda easy kills. Oh hey, those guys are like, my guys. I bet if I talk to them— Nope, free food for Eda. I will eat them with relish! Then for dessert I will eat Lady Linoan— MOVING ON, we have Ground Team. Eyrios, you're the leader. This sounds like my old job, charging in front so pompous "tacticians" can stay safe in back. Not this time! I'll be fighting right beside you. I'm so sick of—huh. Commandant, what are you saying? You can't endanger yourself like that! Ha ha, like seriously. You're a shitty underleveled healer unit. For starters, because Saphy is a fucking sociopath, I'm our only healer. It'll be important for me to keep close to Eyrios so he stays healthy. Secondly, I'd like to call attention to the way the enemy has arrayed their forces. As you can see— Wait a sec, what the hell is this? This? It's a map. I had Eda reconnoiter the area beforehand for intel. You can DO that? Uh, yeah? What have you been doing all this time? Literally having Othin kill everyone. Isn't Dorias your military advisor? He's a moron, but he ought to have at least introduced you to the concept of MAPS. Not a word. Sigh. Go back to your emo corner, Finn. Fine, fine. Finn goes back to his emo corner. As I was saying, the purpose of this map is to illustrate the enemy formation. Note that the enemy has placed several weak and scattered soldiers in the center of the battlefield. Likely, these soldiers are meant to lure us into a trap. Once we've moved to the center, Nikolov's forces— The map says Nicaraf. Yeah, because Eda can't spell for shit. Anyway, Nikolov's forces— What's "Turbo Hitler" a misspelling of? I don't fucking know, Eda who is Turbo Hitler. I didn't write that. Nobody touched this map except you and me. And I didn't write it. I swear it wasn't me, Commandant! (It was me. Heh heh heh.) (Continued)

What's it even matter? It's hard to imagine me surviving another nine months anyway. Innocent blood is worth far more than the blood of a degenerate harlot, Pumpkin. Were you to become with child, I would permit you to live long enough to bear it. Wait, really? Okay, can this stop? First off, Naga is a peace-loving Goddess. She doesn't want any blood. Where the hell are you even getting that, I'm sure not even Matthis is that fucked. Tiki 3:14. "And their life pleaseth Her, and sateth Her, and giveth Her vigor, "So that the humble people who nourish Her life with theirs receiveth Her divine blessing, "And are counted amongst her chiefest seraphs and disciples." Oh my Goddess. That's not about literally nourishing Naga, it's— Bah, I don't have time to debate theology with you lunatics. Finn, go sulk in a corner. I'll handle the battle. Fine with me. Finn sulks in a corner. Alright, time to whip this army into fighting shape. ^__^ You uh, realize we all suck right? None of us have even attacked an enemy, ever. I visited a house once! Please, I already know you two are irredeemable garbage. Dean, Eyrios, I'm appointing you captains. Dean will command the aerial squadron, while Eyrios will command the ground. Can I like, not do that? I was looking forward to a little R&R. Dean, we've known we were approaching Leonster's front gate for a week now. Why would you expect a vacation? I dunno, I just kinda figured, after you worked me so hard last battle... You'd be nice for once and give me a day off? Dean, I made you attack one guy. Once. Not true, I had to double attack him. You do realize Altenna gave you that special lance as a hint to work out more, right? ... Fuck. Commandant, let me be Gold Leader! I promise I won't let you down, unlike my lackadaisical brother. Sweetie, I love you, but you're reeeeally bad. ^__^ That's why Dean will lead the charge. Then, you can kill weakened enemies and gain experience! With hard work and practice, you might even be only kinda bad. What is this madness? TRAINING units? You can't do that! It flies in the face of nine thousand years of military history. There is only one strategy, and it is charge as fast as possible. As the great scholar dondon151 wrote in The Art of Warp: "SSS rank 0% growths Saphy top tier lol" Which means what exactly? We humble acolytes are still deciphering his erudite texts to this day. Wait. I'm Saphy. You—you are? Could it be? The hero foretold in the prophecy? Only if that prophecy entails eradication of the heretics. It actually entails skipping everything in the cheesiest way possible. But if you're the prophesied hero... Come! We have much to discuss. I have often heard the voice of Naga in my ear, inciting me to great deeds... Dorias and Saphy exit. (Continued)

Outside the gate of Leonster. Man, I can't believe Oh, well's dead. Now there's nobody left from the Fianna Militia but me. And me. What the hell Antonio, you weren't part of the militia, you showed up later. Uh, no? I was right there, fighting in Fianna with the rest of you. That was before I had questions about my gender identity, and my name was Tania. Your name used to be Tania? What a coincidence, someone in the Fianna Militia was named Tania! We'd probably be fast friends, right? I hate to interrupt (not really), but we've reached the gate of Leonster. Good news—the enemy has sent nearly all their forces to destroy us. General Nikolov leads the army, with Bishop Moore and his Lopt mages at the ready. Silesian mercenaries are arranged in the north, and Lord Reinhardt's Gelpritter flank us. I even hear the enemy has even brought Bishop Saias for tactical advice. We are truly, truly, truly doomed! Yeah, I'm sure we'll weasel our way to victory somehow. As long as I have Othin, I'll never— Oh wait I don't have Othin. What are your orders, Finn? Do we valiantly charge to our deaths? Well. Uh. Meh, why not. Finn! What the hell is this. "Meh, why not?" The Finn I know would never say that. The Finn I know would run like a little bitch, no matter the odds. Besides, a suicide charge would require you to abandon your throne-horse. Oh yeah right. Well, the throne-horse is kinda lame anyway. Kinda lame? KINDA LAME? Finn, the throne-horse is the epitome of lame. But that never stopped you before! Listen to yourself. You're clearly depressed due to Oh, well's death. Why do you even care, Linoan? You're only tagging along anyway. Yes, this is why I wanted to speak to you last battle, before that romcom stuff happened. You see, apparently Manster is instituting some kind of No-Sex ban? Wait, what? They are? How am I supposed to sleep with Raquesis now? I don't think a No-Sex ban is your biggest issue there, buddy. Dammit, now I'm even more depressed... Anyway, this law is simply heinous. How can I live without sex? After a long day politicking, I need nothing more than to ferociously dominate Eda's petite rear. Holy shit, can we not like, talk about my sister like that? It's okay Dean. I enjoy it rough. I need the stress relief. I refuse to let Manster's ban pass! Thus, I'll be taking a more active role in combat operations around here. Pah. Finn would never consider the advice of a sexual deviant whore. The number of sexual deviants I've taken advice from is all of them. No reason to stop the streak. Besides, didn't you mention something about fathering twenty babies to sacrifice to Naga? Twenty-six, to be specific. But fear not, all were born within lawful wedlock! Poor Mom... Actually, Pumpkin, you haven't birthed any squishy, defenseless human sacrifices yet, have you? Of course not. What do you mean, of course not? Are you not married? What's Glade doing? I mean, I understand he may not want to touch an ugly thing like you, but it's his duty. (Continued)

Chapter 17a .......van... ...he's.......scious... Ugh... Huh... ............away....... ...think.......maybe... What's... what's going on...? Who...? ...back...space... ...! Car... Carrion?! ...not good......... ........time for beddy-bye... Wait, Carrion... wait... ??? slams a heavy object on Halvan's head. ...uncalled for... Shut the fuck up, wave racer. ... ... ... What the—what the hell? Where am I? Everything's a dark void... Where's Othin and Finn? Am I... am I dead? Hello, Halfman. Halvan. Oh whoops sorry— I mean, I called you Halfman on purpose! Because you are currently but half a man. Huh? You were hit by a devastating blow, and it should have killed you. However, Kempf is so shitty that Narrative Laws exist to prevent him from killing anything. Or doing anything relevant, useful, or interesting whatsoever. Were Kempf ever allowed to do something important, we may as well usher in the apocalypse. I don't understand. You don't have to. What's important is that you're now trapped in limbo. You should be dead, but we can't let you die, so you'll stay here for an arbitrary amount of time. That's super boring, can't I like, do anything? Well, we have a game we usually reserve for coma victims, wanna try it? Why not? Can't be worse than infinite purgatory. Alright. Have fun! Anna exits. Well, I guess— Hello there! Uh, hello? Welcome to the world of POKEMON! My name is OAK! People call me the POKEMON PROF! ...Why do I look like this now? First, what is your name? Oh, well— Right! So your name is OH, WELL! No, wait, my name is— This is my grandson! He's been your rival since you were a baby. ...Erm, what was his name again? OTHIN (Continued)

Still waiting with bated breath for my glorious Ilios redemption

Eyrios's story is that he's from common birth but wants to be a noble

Hmph. I see it took you only four whole years to rescue me. And who are you supposed to be. Is this your army? Shabby, shabby. No decorum or discipline. Such laxness is unconscionable. We'll have no more of that. I have been saying as much since I joined this army, milady. Yes, but I can see you're part of the problem, mainly by being awful. My advisors believe that in order to reclaim my country, we'll need a much stronger force. Uh what. Your country? Who the hell are you? Princess Miranda of Alster, of course. Where the fuck is Alster? It's a country that neighbors Leonster, milord. I thought Manster neighbored Leonster. No, Manster is between Alster and Connacht. Connacht? What the fuck is Connacht? How many countries are on this damn peninsula? Connacht is... Actually, I'm unsure myself. Nobody ever talks about Connacht. This is bullshit, you can't pull these bullshit countries out your ass this late in the game. And who are you supposed to be, scurrilous rogue? Scurry what? Don't go full Salem on me, girl. I'm Prince Leaf of Leonster? Maybe you've heard of me? Wait, let me consult my advisors. They say, weren't you an actual leaf or something? Rumors of me being a leaf are highly exaggerated. Also, what fucking advisors??? My advisors don't like you very much. You didn't answer my question. Irrelevant. From now on, we run a joint military operation. All tactical decisions will be consulted with me and my advisors. I'll expect rigorous discipline from your band of poorly-reputed sellswords. Whoa, whoa, I didn't agree to— Enough talk. Time is of the essence for the restoration of our rightful thrones. Let us escape this awful forest and continue toward Leonster. We're poised perfectly for an unexpected flank on the castle. Now listen here, you little— Leafypoo~ Maybe we shouldn't antagonize the allied royalty, hmm? I mean, I'm just a dumb broad who knows nothing, but politeness always seems a good idea. While I bend to your will, milord, Princess Miranda is a key ally. As she appears amenable to the plan of liberating Leonster, I see no reason to spurn her. Bah! Fine. Fucking advisors... Let's quit dicking around and get out of here already. Milord, because the objective is escape, all of our units must leave before you do. Or else they'll be captured, like Karin was. Who?? Ugh, fine, everyone escape first, hurry up and go. The problem, milord, is that Fergus and the others are on the other side of the map. Then tell them to get over here. They're drunk. Then someone pick them up and carry them here. Gabe, you have a horse. As I said before, the forest restricts my movement to two tiles a turn. JESUS FUCK It took 97 turns for everyone to escape. (End Chapter 16b)

This is why I never bother to learn anyone's name, because it's irrelevant. She-Ra and Lola can stop talking now, and go back to being irrelevant side characters. What! That sounds BORING. Then find some way to entertain yourself, cuz I ain't gonna do it. Start a slice of life schoolgirl anime, I don't fucking know. Ooh, may I direct it? I already have an idea for a hot springs episode. And a beach episode, and maid café episode, and a shower episode... What the hell is a "shower episode." Nevermind, don't answer that. Come along girls, I've specially prepared costumes for you both! Sure. I like make-believe. And I like cute costumes! August, Sara, and Lara exit. Now the big boys can fight the bad guys. Eh heh heh... So you've defeated Lady Sara, have you? Thanks for that. She's a pain in the ass. Not a pain in the cock? The Rinecock? Oh come now that's uncalled for. Glaive, roast this guy. Yes, milord. Glad attacks Rinecock. It does some damage. Eh heh heh. You'll have to do better than that... What the hell Garbo, why isn't he dead? Truthfully, I'm pretty mediocre. Fucking hell, is it so much to ask for unflagging loyalty and top tier stats? With Asvel captured and Fergus drunk, do I even have good units? Dalshin, you look like a tough burly guy. Do something. Yes, milord! Dalshin attacks Rinecock. He misses. Why did I expect that to work. Now you DIE! Nah. Mareeta attacks Rinecock. Eh heh heh... Not even a scratch. Rinecock falls apart in two pieces. Yeah, like I was gonna die to some guy named Rinecock. With a generic mugshot. I wasn't scared at all. Right. Well, time to not-seize the castle. Prince Leaf visits the castle. Yay. (Continued)

I wanna play with a friend because I'm SO bored but dumb RINECOCK said— Wait, wait, wait. Rinecock. Rinecock??? Dammit, Sara. Did you really have to say his name? Why WOULDN'T I say his name? It's his name, right? Yes, but it's a stupid name, and now Rifis is gonna make a dumb joke about it. Dumb joke? You're getting mad at ME because of a dumb JOKE? That's dumb! You're dumb. You're dumber than the dumb joke. I'm not mad at you, Sara. Merely disappointed. Well you're not my stupid GRANDPA so shut up dumb voice guy! I hate you and you're stupid dumb dumb dumb Whatever. Let's get Rifis's dumb joke over with. Rine... cock. Heh. Heh heh. His name has "cock" in it. Astute observation, milord. Bluh, that joke wasn't even THAT bad, it was just lame. Shut up Sara, you weren't the one who had to write it. God, it pained me physically. It took a whole day to write that one line, James Joyce style. Then why didn't you write a FUNNIER joke, dummy? Fine. I will. Still, could he be all of them: Rine the runner and Rine the gambler and Rine the briber and Rine the lover and Rinecock the Reverend? Could he himself be both rind and cock? Ta da~ What? That's IT? That's the crummiest joke of ALL TIME. What's even funny about it, and who is that stupid guy, he looks DUMB. That's Ralph Ellison, esteemed American man of letters. Well America is DUMB. And so is Ralph Whoeverson. Wait I'm Ralph. Get out of here Ralph, how are you even here? How about YOU get out of here, stupid voice in my head? I wanna make friends with the new people. Fine. Have fun, please don't murder too many of them. Bluh! Alright, cock jokes aside, bad guys are literally only ugly old men. Which I guess means you're joining my team, because you're a little girl. What! No, I'm an evil bad guy, look at my evil FACE. GRRRR Sorry, only I can pull the face card. Hop in the back with the rest of the women. Omg omg omigod she's so cuuuuuuute What's your name is it Jessica or Chelsea or Rachel ooh I bet it's Madison??? I'm Sara. Omigod no way my name is Sara too!! Your name is Lara. Oh right. (Continued)

Spookster Castle, in the middle of the woods. Eh heh heh... I love being so evil and bad... Hi Rinecockadoodledoo. Can I play with the prisoners today? Oh, Lady Sara. I'm sorry, but you've already had too much fun with them. By which I mean, you murdered them all. It's not MY fault bones are so fragile. I know you're lying anyway. We have one more prisoner, and she's a girl like me. So I ESPECIALLY wanna play with her, and see what her insides look like! Well, um, Princess Miranda is something of a high-profile prisoner. We need her to stop General Conomore from rebelling. Politics, very complex— I don't CARE. I want her, I want her, I want her, I want HER. Sara stamps her little foot. It's adorable! I don't WANT to be adorable I WANT to have a friend. I never have ANY friends and it's so BORING and I HATE everything and I WANT to die. Bluh! Now, now. Your grandfather would be upset if you died. Then maybe I should be friends with YOU. How about that? Uh, ahem, um... Lady Sara, how about a compromise? Enemies are attacking the base. Why not make them your friends? I dunno, are they girls like me and Miranda? Cuz I'm sick of yucky OLD MAN friends. Actually, yes. I noticed several young women among their ranks. Fine. I GUESS I'll take a look. Sara exits. My advisors suggest: wring her neck in her sleep. Yeah, but I'll have to dispose of the corpse. Pigs. They eat it all up. I'll consider—Wait, how would you know that? My advisors watched Hannibal. Outside Spookster Castle. Alright, random castle in the middle of the woods. It appears to be a Lopt temple. One can only guess why they would build it here. Hey are you the enemies? Gasp. It's, it's, it's— Ixnay the pedophilia for a sec, August. Kid, why you in this shitty forest, this ain't no kid place. (Continued)

Crap, so does that mean we have to fight a battle now? Actually, milord, it appears the objective is to escape. ... Milord? ... Milord, if it makes you feel better, there is a castle on the map. We can attack it, and you can pretend to seize it. Would that make you feel better? No. But whatever, it's Nanna and those other broads! Leafypoo~ I missed you so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, Much. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, It's much come on say much already. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, So, so, so, so, so, so, so, much. Was it necessary to say "so" that many times. It was secret code for tonight's activities. Huh? Sigh. Maybe if you counted how many times I said "so"... I hate when you don't pay attention to me! Look I'm sure you said something really deep and lovely. Right now I wanna know what the fuck happened. I don't want to talk about it. It's goddam embarrassing. What happened to that Prince Shanan fucker? He's a fake! A big stupid fake. Come on Leafypoo, beat him up. Even you— Wait, where'd he go? It seems he and his uncouth bard friend have fled. Again? Every time we see this guy he sneaks off. Whatever, let's do this battle. We— Enter Dalshin. Still not in drag. I'm ready to rumble, milord! Where's the enemy? Not here. Aw. (Continued)

Okay, then hit that guy. Eh heh heh... Have some little birdies fluttered into my web? Um, gulp, we uh, we don't know he's evil? Yes. Yes we do. Have you come to rescue Princess Miranda? Foolish, very foolish... These virulent woods shall be your everlasting tomb! See. Miranda? Wasn't she that girl in Leidrick's harem? We gotta save her! Prince Shanan, kick this creep's ass. Do it, Prince Shanan! Omg omg Reptar him from the inside Oh. Uh, um. Okay... Here goes... FUN WITH BASE STATS ROUND 2. Shanam base strength: 5. Iron Blade might: 12. Rinecock HP: 51. Rinecock defense: 10. (5 + 12) – 10 = 7 51 – 7 = 44 Hardly a scratch, eh heh heh. Now for my counterattack... Rinecock magic: 12. Yotsmung might: 14. Shanam base HP: 26. Shanam base magic: 1. (12 + 14) – 1 = 25. 26 – 25 = 1 Shanam is now poisoned. Thanks, Anna! Why did I do that? Oh god, somebody help... Sigh. Do you all believe me now? Dammit, how could I be so fucking stupid. I feel like an imbecile, myself. Omg omg Reptar him from the inside!!! Lara, there is no Reptar. We've been had. ??????? Okay, okay, I admit it. I'm not Prince Shanan, I lied. I'm really sorry... please don't let me die! Nanna heals Shanam. I hope you learned a valuable lesson. Dammit Shanam why are you so fucking bad Wettest pussy in Thracia and it slipped through your hands A touching morality tale. However, it's time for— Enter Prince Leaf and Glade. Time for an ass kicking! Gravy, fuck them all. Uh, Prince Leaf, I don't normally question orders, but I'm married— Not that kind of fuck, the other fuck. Fuck just stab the bad guys. Oh, yes, of course. Ahem. For the glory of Leonster! Glade attacks Rinecock. The results are too boring for a Fun with Base Stats. Blast, reinforcements? No matter. I have an army of my own, eh heh heh... Let's see if you ever escape this vile wood! Rinecock warps away. (Continued)

Well ladies, I'm afraid it's sad to say That's all the storytime we got today Now form a straight line, no shoving no tricks First come first served when it comes to Shanan's dick My come puns are clever, but punning ain't hard Unlike my nine-inch schlong, damn I'm a spoony bard So if Shandog shafts you but won't give you the shaft Drop on all fours and I'll ream dat fat ass Omigod Prince Shanan please take my body. Back off, I saw him first. I saw him all the way back in Tahra, you— Ladies, ladies. There's Shanan enough for you all. I see no reason why not to have a fivesome. (Sixsome.) (Do you really have to hang around, man?) (Nigga if it ain't for me you don't even got a harem army.) Fine, I guess Homeros can, like, be involved on the side. Now, if you ladies would, um, begin removing your clothes... Wait. Oh, sorry, yeah, I wouldn't want to skip the foreplay. No, not that. The truth is, I have doubts about you, "Prince Shanan." Um, w-what do you mean? I think you're simply pretending to be Prince Shanan. !!! So many stories, but you still haven't shown us an actual Starstrike. Uh—um—uh— (Be cool man I got this) Girl don't get your panties all up in a bunch You won't be doubting his shit when he's nuttin your— Use Starstrike. Right now. If you're the real Shanan, it'll be easy. Come on Prince Shanan, she's jealous. Too used to being the only chick in the army with a man. Why don'tcha go back to being a bubbly airhead, yeah? Well, it should only take a moment to disprove her. Use the Starstrike, Prince Shanan. Uh. Well. I can't use it if I, uh, don't have a target! Use it on me. What?! Come on, hit me. I would never, uh, attack an innocent girl. My Starstrike is only for the fiendish and evil. (Continued)

Six spaces away. So um, then I was like: "BEHOLD THE MIGHT OF MY STARSTRIKE!" And that's how I traveled back in time to kill Langobalt. Oooooooooh. That's amazing, Prince Shanan. Omigod omigod? Time travel is REAL? ... Hot DAMN Shanan slice so fine he split spacetime Sublime feats supply both lines and rhymes Man's incomparable, ain't no other variable In this parable of a hero so charitable He saves ghetto hoes from Imperial specters Now Shanan, tell em how you killed Duke Reptor Reptor? Uhhhh... Surely this tale must also involve time travel. And feats of martial prowess! Well, actually, uh... What happened was, Reptor knew I was coming, and got scared. He tried to hide by... going into the television? Yeah, he thought he could disguise himself as Reptar! From, you know, the Rugrats. Rugrats is like my favorite show EVER omg But I had no idea Reptar was actually an ugly monocle man? How could I be so blind??? An incredible twist. Innocent children's show... Nefarious villain... Edgar Allan never writ such deception. ... In his final form as a green dinosaur, he uh... He was really strong I guess? DID HE EAT YOU? Uh. AND THEN DID YOU BURST OUT HIS STOMACH LIKE BAAAAOOOOOM Omigod omigod did you ever see Alien starring Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not? There's this scene where the CUTEST little thing comes out this guy's— Yes, yes, I was devoured whole by Reptor. But it was all part of my plan! My trusty Balmung cleaved his soft insides like butter. One fabled STARSTRIKE was all it took. Yes, hurray! Truly, a modern Beowulf. —And they try to stab it with a fork but it's like EEEEEEEE CAN'T CATCH ME And they're like GOTTA CATCH EM ALL Lara, shut up. Then Ash Ketchum goes into the vents with a flamethrower and— LARA. ...Soz. (Continued)

Lugubriously, the plupart of our militia appears inebriated. Lugubriously... what?? What do any of those words mean? I mean to say, the woebegone affairs bely excess libations of— Hnnngh? Did someone cram a thesaurus up your ass? Incorroborative. But my erstwhile comeuppance in the realm of jurisprudence (Manufactured by our compatriot Machua and her Bachelors of Arts) Has spurred self-étudie in the realm of letters lest future litigation arise. Synonyms, antonyms, neologisms, archaisms; no bon mot evades my erudition! NEVER SHALL "HIREE IS NOT A REAL WORD" BE USED AGAINST ME. What. As an English major myself, allow me to translate. He's sore Machua and I kicked his rear in court, so he's studying to surpass our vast English knowledge. 'Tis the thrust. No, I don't need any more English majors. Stop doing this thing, Blobhair. Stop right now. Fie, a pox upon thee. To tomes and learnéd scrolls I retire! Exeunt Salem and his hair. Why did we start talking about that shit anyway. Salem was attempting to tell you that our army is drunk. Fergus, Trude, and Hicks have entered an alcoholic haze. Oi... be lukken t'—hic—t'chug dis here brew... Ay matey—hic—an'—hic—sweet 'ome Alabama—hic. Oh god, they're all Hicks now. ... Well, that one looks fine. Hic. Goddammit. They're in no shape to fight, milord. But we need to get Nanna back! And I guess the other women too. Then I, the proud knight Glade, shall suffice. My spear shall pierce the hearts of pied pipers and sham princes alike! I love that "yes milord" attitude. You're my favorite vassal now and forever, Grady. ... Yes, milord. I'm coming too! Fuck you Dalshit. Let's leave his slow ass in the dust, Glad. The entire map is forest, we move two spaces a turn. God fuck. (Continued)

Enter Glade. Milord! I return. Return from fucking where. I never asked you to go anywhere. I scouted the nearby forest. I believe I have located our female soldiers. Fucking insubordination— Wait what. Really? Like, our female soldiers? You didn't accidentally find Pachycephalosaurus instead? ...Who, milord? What's-his-face. Blobhair. The gay one. Salem? Maybe, I dunno. What I'm asking is, you're sure you found the women? Like, tits and ass women right? I am capable of discerning the sexes, milord. I'm just making sure, because I can see the way this goes. You lead us tromping through the forest... We reach a clearing... Wham, it's goddam Dalshin in drag. Cue laugh track, cue "fuck you" to Prince Leaf, ha ha very funny. No I did not find Dalshin in female clothing, milord. Normally I'd believe you, Glade. You're a generally competent guy. But tell me, why isn't Dalshin here? I have no idea, milord. Well, I'm not falling for it. The pieces are in play, it's up to me to take the bait. And I refuse! Enter Dalshin. Not in drag. I FOUND THE WOMEN. Goddammit. Huff, huff... They're just beyond these woods! Well, I mean, there's more woods just beyond these woods. But there's also our women. The female soldiers appear to be under the sway of a devious bard. And also Prince Shanan of Isaac. Oh shit. That's the one guy from Tahra isn't it? What a fucking dick amirite. You're right, milord. Mm yes that's the kind of sycophancy I crave. Alright, let's sally forth or whatever the fuck. Together we ride and that jazz, we got women to save. (Continued)

Chapter 16b The fell and macabre Melfye Forest. The Melfye Forest is fell and macabre, Prince Leaf. I implore caution. Yeah sure whatever. Alright men, our primary objective is rescuing our women. Our primary objective should remain liberating Leonster, milord. No no, women are most important. Isn't that right, men? Men? I mean, other than Nanna, none of them are really "our" women. They're just like, women. Who happen to be in our army. I think we're all fine without Lara. I rather esteem Mademoiselle Lara. She exudes swank and vivacity, vim and vigor! She imbues our ranks with esprit de corps oft unseen in martial matters. Dammit, August already fills our weird pedophile quota. I don't need random no-names outing their weird fetishes too. Trust me. Salem's not like that. (Cuz he's gay.) Who the fuck are you. I don't remember you, when did you join my army. ... Awhile ago. We've spoken before. I am quite certain I've never seen you in my life. Fergus, you remember this guy? Yeah he's Trude, he's pretty chill. Sometimes we kickback and down brewskies. Hicks knows the best local brands. Ah, me ol' faithful Melfye Lager. Rich flavor, hearty froth, fine Alster hops. Who needs womenfolk when ye got beer? Lassies be kin to heifers, best fer but a brief mountin'. Left uncoupled she brays an' lows, her womanly heat aflame like even' welkin. A damsel in battle's like a sow in the bullpen. Har har har. No clue what the fuck you said, but I'll drink to that! The manly men club down a round of Melfye's Finest lager, sold in 12-ounce 12-count packages for $12.97 plus sales tax (offer unavailable in CA, DE, NJ, and NY). Please drink responsibly. I hope you all die. (Continued)

I pick Olwen, because I always go B route for Miranda.

Seth

Yeah, let's do that then.

How is Conquest even bad at all, maybe I went into it with unrealistically low expectations because of how everyone disparaged it, but I thought it was actually pretty clever and unique. I thought a lot of common criticisms, like "Corrin is an asshole" and "The game guilts you for not picking Hoshido," were totally unfounded. Garon becomes a far more effective villain (effective, not necessarily multidimensional) and the story has way more tension on a chapter-to-chapter basis, with actual internal conflict for the main character rather than simple steamrolling unrepentant villains.

wat As if FESS and PoR weren't the best stories in the series

Reina is Baena