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Bohemund

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    MK404's Sprites and Sketches

    in Sprites

    Posted · Edited by Bohemund

    MelanieFNew.gif

    The positioning of her right thumb (the one on the left) is incorrect. A thumb doesn't sprout from the lower palm of one's hand. That taffy cloth she is holding can have better shading where it circles behind her. Also, her left arm seems to bend in the middle where it goes from shirt to skin; either the shirt sleeve needs to change, or her arm needs to be angled down before bending at the elbow.

    Overall, they're all very nice full-body drawings. Seriously.

    And sorry for the taffy comment, was the first thing to came to mind when staring at the looped part.

    The Scars of Tascera Feedback Thread.

    in Feedback

    Posted · Edited by Bohemund

    Remember the context of the scene. The guard might of made him sit there. Perhaps not physically, but by ordering him to do so.

    This is where I must apologize once again for not actually reading your story. My statements were purely based on what I saw here. When I finally read your story, I'll be sure to come back to this.

    ____

    EDIT:

    Actually, this just came to mind:

    colloquial

    While this word deems your grammar correct, stories and books should be written formally, not informally (unless a character is speaking).

    The Scars of Tascera Feedback Thread.

    in Feedback

    Posted

    The first example about the girl had it's meaning changed when was sat was given the meaning was placed. I still would use seated in that case to keep the author's original intent. I cannot argue about the sentence involving ushers, though. However, that isn't your intended use of the word. You wanted Galvin to sit on his own, with no direction or aid.

    The Scars of Tascera Feedback Thread.

    in Feedback

    Posted · Edited by Bohemund

    "Galving was sat" is perfectly fine. It says the same thing as your suggestion, but quicker.

    The phrase was sat is always incorrect. Depending on verb tense, it'b be correct to use either sitting or seated in sat's stead. However, if you simply removed was, then you give Galvin the action of sitting. Use whichever verb tense best suits your story.

    The Scars of Tascera Feedback Thread.

    in Feedback

    Posted · Edited by Bohemund

    Excuse me? Since when was I flaming anyone here? I am allowed to argue in my defense you know. Just because I let people criticize my work, it does not mean that I cannot disagree with things they say, or that I have to take it all for face value.

    As Lachesis pointed out as well, many of Loki's criticisms are questionable.

    Calm down, it was just a joke. I figured you'd catch the reference.

    “'Cause I thought it was a good idea. You didn't seem so bothered about it with that Jaeri person.” Markus let go of her, turning back towards Morgan. He had vanished. Markus was was infuriated: yelling for Morgan to return. “Forget it Markus, he's gone,” Elissa was inattentive in her reply. Markus shook her around again.

    I've changed my mind about this sentence. I really don't know anything about colons, but I realized the verb tense. If I am not mistaken, your story is told in present tense, no? Well, was is past tense; it'd be better replaced with grew or became. If I am wrong about that, then yelling would need to be made past tense.

    The Scars of Tascera Feedback Thread.

    in Feedback

    Posted · Edited by Bohemund

    I only looked through that huge text wall Loki produced and noticed your use of the colon. Not often do you see it used (O.K. I've actually never seen it used in writing).

    “'Cause I thought it was a good idea. You didn't seem so bothered about it with that Jaeri person.” Markus let go of her, turning back towards Morgan. He had vanished. Markus was was infuriated: yelling for Morgan to return. “Forget it Markus, he's gone,” Elissa was inattentive in her reply. Markus shook her around again.

    --rolleyes-- You must know by now that : is not required here.

    Like he said: this use isn't correct. The part after the colon isn't a complete sentence, nor does it explain anything; thus a comma should take the colon's place. You also repeated the word "was" twice.

    “I'll be leaving anyway; I didn't plan on staying here too long.” Gerald turned on his heel and headed for the city gate. “Don't worry Mister Markus, I'll be fine.” Markus stopped following him, knowing he could sway Gerald's large body. He sighed, irritated by the waste of time.

    --You don't need ; there. Come off clean with the sentence

    Contrary to what he says this time, this correction would be unnecessary.

    I'd go on with different things, but I didn't actually read your story. If you'd like me to, just send me a message saying so. I would much rather go on when I know my opinion is wanted.

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