Deity Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 (edited) So this will be the feedback thread, eventhough I only get some from a few of you...and Shuuda. XD Anyway, what this story is about is mainly about FE style stuff. Think of the world as being F-Emblemish. I dunno if I will be using the same old map as always, its getting old. I might use it, or I might go with Elibe. I would speak more on the plot, but that would be unfair, since I want it to be said in the story. To find out about it, you will have to read the whole thing. Dissolution is about that, the world breaking apart and eventually coming to an end. It speaks about princes and princesses of the realms, of the lives of a few characters (Those that wish to join as them), and how all chaos, or hell, breaks loose. Even if Shuuda does not sign up for it, I'm gonna throw his ass in there, cause he is gonna be a companion of my party, and he is gonna be similar to what he is here in the forest, a tough-as-nails sob. As a matter of fact, many SF members that dont even sign up will make appearances. Short appearances and perhaps bad endings for those that do not sign up, and great and long appearances in the story for those who do. So anyway...Yeah. =D Sign up like...Nao, you wont be disappointed =D I'll leave a character sheet for those who want in. Name Age Gender Height Weight Character Description Special Items Class Affinity Bio: If you want, only. Edited December 19, 2008 by Quetzalcoatl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuli Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Name: Davis Age: 36 Gender: Male Height: Tall Weight: Heavy Character Description: Davis is a tall, silent knight. Although it makes him slow to move, he wears an enchanced armor that allows him to deal killing blows and renders physical attack into nothing. As a loyal soldier, he obeys commands without hesitation. Special Items: Armor that enchances strenght and absorbs physical damage. Class: General Affinity: Water Wanna be evil again. >:3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 (edited) Name: Toa Lord "TLS" Sothe Age: 15/16 Gender: Male Height: 5'9 Weight: 190 Lbs Character Description: Brown Hair, Brown Eyes, Green Myrmidon Cloths (FE9/10 Myrmidons mind you) Special Items: Killing Edge Class: Myrmidon Affinity: Fire Bio: Sarcastic, Perverted, yet somehow likable. Ending: Either let me get hitched, Or let me die in a really shitty way. Edited December 17, 2008 by Toa Lord Sothe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noremaC Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Name Age: 17 Gender: Male Height: 6 foot 2 Weight: 186 Character Description: Dirty blond hair, blank look on his face Special Items: huge red and black axe Class: Reaver Affinity: Ice Bio: Humorous and smart, has terrible temper, when he gets angry goes into a furious rage, attacking everything in sight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Name: Adam (if on Tellius or similar place) Ragnell (if Elibe or anywhere else) Age: 15-17 you choose, it doesn't matter to me. Gender: Male Height: 5' 10" Weight: 140 lbs Character Description:Dark brown (almost black) hair, and brown eyes. He is fairly short and thin. His hair hangs down to his neck in the back, and reaches his eyebrows in the front Special Items:Tornado Class: Wind Mage/Sage Affinity: Ice Bio: (you can change any of this if you want) He is a young mage who, after hearing legends of a ultimate wind tome, set off to find it and learn the powerful magic. He is quiet and calculating and hates being wrong or failing, to the point that he sometimes fails to act. Ragnell tries his best to be kind to everyone, but ends up angry at those who annoy him. He doesn't particularly like fighting, and prefers to just read and practice magic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Ok, so lets see... We got: Adam, Wobbufet's no name character, TlS, Davis lol, Shuuda, me and all the others that signed up in the other thread. And we also have those that did not sign but will suffer greatly in the story, muahahaha. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Even if Shuuda does not sign up for it, I'm gonna throw his ass in there I am sorry but that would require my permission, and I certainly am not giving it to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Neither are the rest of the members I use at random. Its no big deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I do not care if you do not find it important, but I do. I do not wish to be in this story, end of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Ok, so perhaps Shuuda wont be in it, but Shuda will. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Nope, I want no relation to this story at all, so knocking off one letter will not cut it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Haha, ok, geez, I was only giving you a little hell, geez. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven Tyler Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Fuck it, I'm just gonna copypasta some of my shit in SE Name: Ben Age: 19 Gender: Male Height: 6'2 Weight: 280 Character Description: the only black man in this middle ages story! Fair dark skin, short neat hair, brown eyes and a bit heavy in terms of weight. Special Items: Light Brand, Brave Lance Class: Dragon Lord Affinity: Wind Bio: Benjamin is a mercenary solider on the heroes' enemy side. Ben was once a proud Lord of his nation until an enemy kingdom invaded his homeland, killing tens of thousands, including defenseless orphaned children in the local churches on his nation. He is seeking revenge upon that nation and has a strong hatred towards anyone who is involve with the enemy kingdom. There was a rumor floating around from a nation stating that the lord on the player's side was related to the kingdom that destroyed Benjamin's motherland. Blinded by revenge and not listening to reasoning, Benjamin quickly joined the nation's army as a stand alone mercenary in exchange leading to information and the chance to kill the lord. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ether Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Name:Ether Age:25 Gender:Male Height:6'5 Weight:260 Class:Sentinel Description:Long blonde hair tied back in a braid,ice blue eyes. Armor:Crimson red studded leather armor from hear to toe(black studs),as well as Ebony black Helmet,and Plate Mail on chest and legs,as well as arms and shoulders.Very tall and Muscular. Special Items:Ryussei: Prf Lance inherited from his father,With a bloody red blade and black shaft.it is comparable to a legendary weapon. Affinity:Fire Bio:General in a non-evil country,joins the party when he is defeated in battle and saved from the brink of death. Alignment : Good Is that everything I need? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Yep, from what I can see, yes. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 Name: Sean Athsen Age: 19 Gender: Male Height: 6' 2" Weight: 210...Muscular, not fat. Character Description: A man with a dark tone to his appearance. Upon meeting him, you would fear at first. He talks slowly, in a mysterious voice. Special Items: A magic bow, and a sword made from purest of pure steel? Class: Ranger < Hero Affinity: Dark Bio: Not much is known about the pirate mercenary, Sean Athsen. He murdered a pirate Captain, Lakindra, at sea, and ever since then he's been killing. And he's damn good. I'll post Alexis' for her soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted December 18, 2008 Author Share Posted December 18, 2008 Name: Sean AthsenAge: 19 Gender: Male Height: 6' 2" Weight: 210...Muscular, not fat. Character Description: A man with a dark tone to his appearance. Upon meeting him, you would fear at first. He talks slowly, in a mysterious voice. Special Items: A magic bow, and a sword made from purest of pure steel? Class: Ranger < Hero Affinity: Dark Bio: Not much is known about the pirate mercenary, Sean Athsen. He murdered a pirate Captain, Lakindra, at sea, and ever since then he's been killing. And he's damn good. I'll post Alexis' for her soon. I thought I was using the captain and Alexis? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 I thought I was using the captain and Alexis? Oh, you are? Sorry. I haven't had time to read very much of anything yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted December 18, 2008 Author Share Posted December 18, 2008 Oh, you are? Sorry. I haven't had time to read very much of anything yet. Yeah, I am. Eventhough I had to start all over. *Rolls eyes* XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowAreYaBud Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 Name: Haseo Age: 17 Gender: Male Height: 6'1" Weight: 130 Character Description: long black hair, tan skin, green eyes. Special Items: sword :D Class: Mymridon Affinity: Fire Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 (edited) Time for you to abandon all hope. Style and Writing Errors. 1) That morning 4 of the month of the turtle Do not abbreviate numbers like that; when writing in formal prose you should type out the numbers in full, like "four" for example. 2) dead-like forest You could have used something simpler, either by just saying "dead forest" or by using a proper word to describe something that is dying or appearing to be dead. 3) Ben noticed that autumn had all but passed here, and the leaves on trees were yellow and many of these on the ground "Ben noticed that autumn had all but passed here; the leaves on the trees were yellow and many lay on the ground." Sounds better and is more condensed. 4) Ben responded, the leaves making breaking sounds as both dragons walked over them. "Ben responded. The leaves crackled as both dragons trampled them." 5) House Finnigran was related to Rad's house. Just showing that would have been better, using Rad reaction would have worked well. 6) Your prologue is basicly just a lame infodump. Why do you introduce Freohr Datia when she has no relevance to what happens in the first chapter? You should give characters a proper introduction when they appear, not in an annoying infodump. Character and World Problems. 1) "King Vincent of Vanezia is plotting against the laguz realm.""He's always plotted something," Rad chuckled. "But the crow princess has always thwarted his plots." I hope you realise how incredibly crap that sounds. Cliché evil king and good princess. Surely everyone must be sick and tired of tyrant kings who plot and perfect princesses who can do no real wrong. 2) Rad in a fair fight one on one. Seems kinda lame to have the hero as a fabulous fighter right from the start. The fact that no one can beat him in a fair fight (Meaning the villains will have to be their usual cliché selves and cheat.) makes Rad hard to sympathise with or find real. 3) and because of their success as a working guild Please do not tell me that all other guilds in the world are petty and jealous. Cliché, and once again take away realising and ambiguity; since the heroes are o' so successful and everyone else is nasty and jealous over it. 4) mighty empire of Vanezia Oh, an empire with an evil king, never heard that one before. ¬_¬ 5) Infodump prologue... yes, you should stop doing these so much that it deserves to be mentioned twice. 6) not had the chance at the academy in Vanezia. Let me guess what will happen here: Freohr will become good at magic, and then the nasty people at the academy who stopped her in the past will regret because they are the villains who as always are wrong wrong wrong. 7) Forum member insertion as usual, enough said. ---------------- Now, to end my glance through your story, I will give you one tiny piece of advice: MORAL AMBIGUITY IS AWESOME! IT'S INTERESTING! IT CAN MAKE STORIES MORE ORIGINAL! AND IT DOES NOT MAKE PEOPLE SICK! Edited December 19, 2008 by Shuuda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowAreYaBud Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 Wow, Shuuda. You didn't even yell at ME that much. I thought it was pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 (edited) I thought it was pretty good. If that is the case, try reading some real fiction. Sorry to sound insulting, but I completely agree with Mad Fredin and Art_Dragon: comments like what I quoted hurt more than they help. Edited December 19, 2008 by Shuuda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowAreYaBud Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 If that is the case, try reading some real fiction.Sorry to sound insulting, but I completely agree with Mad Fredin and Art_Dragon: comments like what I quoted hurt more than they help. I'm not an editor, alright? I read for entertainment. If it has a good plot, good characters, etc. I don't really care. And I HAVE read real fiction >_> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 I'm not an editor, alright? I read for entertainment. So, that is not an excuse to say someone's work is good when it really is not. That's unnecessary lying. If it has a good plot, good characters, etc. I don't really care. Well, that is part of my point, the plot and characters of this story are not what could be considered good so far. And I HAVE read real fiction >_> And yet you consider this good... then what you have read must have been pretty crap. If you are going to make a positive comment, then atleast give some depth to it and say what you actually liked about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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