Florina

[VincentASM]

(See next post down)

Edited January 6, 2009 by VincentASM

[Emblem Lugh]

Summary

Florina is a timid and frail, yet loyal, pegasus knight of Ilia. After being knighted, she joined Lyndis's mercenary group to further her training, and would do anything to stay by Lyndis's side. She is very uncomfortable around men, making it difficult for each male in the group to get close to her.

Bio

Florina makes her first appearance in the story after Lyn, Kent, and Sain stumble across a ruined village attacked by the Taliver bandits. Florina, in a search for villagers who know of Lyn's whereabouts, accidentally lands her pegasus on one of the Taliver bandits. She attempts to apologize, but rather than listening, the bandits begin to bully her. They talk amongst themselves about selling her and her pegasus, Huey. Lyn later notices Huey, and eventually Florina. Florina then joins Lyn, Kent, and Sain in a battle against the bandits.

Though her outward appearance suggests otherwise, Florina proves to be a competent and loyal warrior. She joins Lyn and the rest the "Lyndis's Legion" on their quest to Caelin to relinquish Lyn's birthright from her uncle, Lord Lundgren. Upon the end of this quest, Florina stays in Caelin to further her training. She is then not mentioned until Marquess Lau's attack on Castle Caelin.

Florina's fear of men allows for some comedy relief in her support conversations with Hector, the only male she supports with. In which, Florina attempts to thank Hector for saving her when she fell from her pegasus while seeking Eliwood's aid back in Caelin. At first, she can't bring herself to say a word to Hector, let alone to reveal who she was. She even practices on what she is to say to Hector when she thanks him, but Hector overhears and interupts her, causing her to run away nervously. Eventually, Huey grabs Hector by the arm and drags him to Florina and Florina finally gathers up the courage to thank Hector, although Hector teases her by pretending not to know what she is thanking him for.

Florina's support conversations with Serra show Florina's personality best. Florina reveals to Serra that she admires Serra's personality and wants to learn to become more like her. The reason being, Florina feels that her fear of men takes away from her usefulness in battle. Serra tells Florina that she needs more confidence and to treat people as bugs, rather than equals. Next, she starts ordering Florina to adjust her posture, but in ways that Florina seems to find painful. After some time passes, Florina admits that she just cannot be like Serra. In the end, they decide to become friends.

Florina is rarely, if not ever, mentioned in the story after the reclaiming Castle Caelin. However, in the epilogue, if she is unpaired, she simply returns to Ilia after Ostia gains control over Caelin. If paired with Lyn, though, she travels to Sacae with Lyn before returning. If paired with Hector, He and Florina go to Ostia, where they are married and Florina aids him in becoming a good leader.

Edited January 8, 2009 by Jem

[VincentASM]

Florina is a timid, yet loyal, frail pegasus knight of Ilia.

I'd probably group the negative "quirks" together, eg. change it to something like "Florina is a timid and frail, yet loyal pegasus knight..."

and they begin to bully her, and talking amongst themselves about selling her and her pegasus, Huey.

I think there's an unneeded tense change for "talking amongst themselves" -> "talk amongst themselves"?

Though her outward appearance suggests otherwise, she proves to be a competant and loyal warrior and joins Lyn, and the rest the "Lyndis's Legion", on her quest to defeat Lyn's uncle, Lord Lundgren, and for Lyn to claim her birthright.

This seems like an overly long sentence compared to the others. I'd split it like this:

"Though her outward appearance suggests otherwise, (Florina) proves to be a competant and loyal warrior(. She) joins Lyn, and the rest the "Lyndis's Legion", on her quest to defeat Lyn's uncle, Lord Lundgren, and for Lyn to claim her birthright."

Florina's fear of men sometimes allows for hilarity to ensue in her support conversations with Hector, where Florina attempts to thank Hector for saving her in Noble Lady of Caelin, and after many failed attempts she finally succeeds.

Same for this sentence, although I don't really have a good idea this time. Maybe something like:

"Florina's fear of men () allows for hilarity to ensue in her support conversations with Hector, where Florina attempts to thank Hector for saving her (earlier?), and after many failed attempts she finally succeeds."

While I'm here, I'll make a sort-of-liberal suggestion, which is to remove the "hilarity" reference so the sentence becomes more neutral (like the rest of the article). Although I guess the support was amusing, but my memory of it is pretty vague. So it's up to you really.

If paired with Hector, him and Florina are presumably married and Florina helps him become a good leader.

Should be "He and Florina". Also, you don't need "presumably", because they do get married (of course, assuming they supported, but you already stated that assumption/choice) : P

Oh yeah, I fixed the grammatical mistake as well.

Anyway, I think the article is pretty good. Although the mention of supports seems a bit brief, but it'll do.

Edited January 5, 2009 by VincentASM

[Emblem Lugh]

I'd probably group the negative "quirks" together, eg. change it to something like "Florina is a timid and frail, yet loyal pegasus knight..."

Agreed. It would make much more sense. It has been a small while since I have written anything.

How about "Florina is a timid and frail, yet loyal, pegasus knight of Ilia."? Reading the original sentence over again, I see how badly I put it together.

I think there's an unneeded tense change for "talking amongst themselves" -> "talk amongst themselves"?

You are quite right, though I believe this entire sentence deserves a make-over.

"Florina, in a search for villagers who know of Lyn's whereabouts, accidentally lands her pegasus on one of the Taliver bandits. She attempts to apologize, but rather than listening, they begin to bully her. They talk amongst themselves about selling her and her pegasus, Huey"

Also, I spelled whereabouts incorrectly (fixed in the sentence revision).

This seems like an overly long sentence compared to the others. I'd split it like this:

"Though her outward appearance suggests otherwise, (Florina) proves to be a competant and loyal warrior(. She) joins Lyn, and the rest the "Lyndis's Legion", on her quest to defeat Lyn's uncle, Lord Lundgren, and for Lyn to claim her birthright."

What a disgusting sentence indeed. I think I'll take some of your ideas here. I think it sounds better as:

"Though her outward appearance suggests otherwise, Florina proves to be a competent and loyal warrior. She joins Lyn and the rest the "Lyndis's Legion" on their quest to Caelin to relinquish Lyn's birthright from her uncle, Lord Lundgren."

Fixed the misspelling of competent in the process.

Same for this sentence, although I don't really have a good idea this time. Maybe something like:

"Florina's fear of men () allows for hilarity to ensue in her support conversations with Hector, where Florina attempts to thank Hector for saving her (earlier?), and after many failed attempts she finally succeeds."

While I'm here, I'll make a sort-of-liberal suggestion, which is to remove the "hilarity" reference so the sentence becomes more neutral (like the rest of the article). Although I guess the support was amusing, but my memory of it is pretty vague. So it's up to you really.

I had trouble deciding on this part, really. Though, it seems a more correct way to describe was "comedy relief".

"Florina's fear of men allows for some comedy relief in her support conversations with Hector. In which, Florina attempts to thank Hector for saving her in Noble Lady of Caelin, and after many failed attempts she finally succeeds."

Should be "He and Florina". Also, you don't need "presumably", because they do get married (of course, assuming they supported, but you already stated that assumption/choice) : P

Hah. Of course it should. Oh, and I stuck the presumably in there because I could not remember if they outright said it, or hinted at it.

In their ended together, it said:

"Hector succeeded his brother as the marquess of Ostia, but the pain of his brother's death weighed heavily on him. His beloved Florina gave him comfort and helped him become an enlightened leader."

To me, it presented itself as a hint that they were married. Looking at it now, the "His beloved Florina" part pretty much says that they were married, so it was an interpretation mistake on my part. It should say:

"If paired with Hector, He and Florina go to Ostia, where they are married and Florina aids him in becoming a good leader."

Anyway, I think the article is pretty good. Although the mention of supports seems a bit brief, but it'll do.

How far should I expand upon them? I wasn't too sure, so I decided to summarize them as much as I could.

[VincentASM]

How about "Florina is a timid and frail, yet loyal, pegasus knight of Ilia."? Reading the original sentence over again, I see how badly I put it together.

Sure, that's good.

The other edits looks good as well. Although I noticed you accidentally capitalised "He", here, but it's only minor.

"If paired with Hector, He and Florina go to Ostia, where they are married and Florina aids him in becoming a good leader."

How far should I expand upon them? I wasn't too sure, so I decided to summarize them as much as I could.

Hmm, I still don't really have a good idea for this >___<

I was actually considering cutting out the mention of supports, if they don't provide much useful additional information. However, I guess anything extra is a bonus. Plus, Florina isn't a really major character that you need to start looking for ways to reduce content ^^

In any case, I'll let you know if I get any ideas. I probably mentioned or implied it before, but I think the current mention of supports is passable.

Also, if you'd like, I could remove my first post and you could edit your article into your second post, making it the new first post.

Edited January 5, 2009 by VincentASM

[Loki Laufeyson]

her pegasus, Huey.

actually if memory serves, her pegasus is named Makar

[Eltoshen]

actually if memory serves, her pegasus is named Makar

It's an error the translators made, which gave her pegasus two names.

[Loki Laufeyson]

It's an error the translators made, which gave her pegasus two names.

really? i was not aware of that...i wonder which one is the real one? probably Huey then...

[VincentASM]

Yeah, it's Huey. Makar is presumably a mistranslation of Mark.

I say "presumably", since I took a look at the Japanese script to check, a long time ago, but I couldn't see Mark anywhere in the same sentence. I could have missed it though, but the point stands that Huey is the correct name.

[Emblem Lugh]

Also, if you'd like, I could remove my first post and you could edit your article into your second post, making it the new first post.

You don't have to remove the first post. I can still edit it my my first post on this thread. I'll post it myself next time. ^^

EDIT: New version is in my first post.

Edited January 6, 2009 by Jem

[VincentASM]

She attempts to apologize, but rather than listening, they begin to bully her.

I always thought this sounded a tiny bit odd, but I think know what now. You might want to change "they begin to bully her" to "the bandits begins to bully her". It seems you've used too many indirect... pointing? (Eg. she, they)

Farina tells Lyn some of Florina's "juicy secrets".

Although I still have no idea about improving the mention of supports in general, it might be interesting to briefly explain what these secrets are (just a few extra words would do I guess, like maybe "about her behaviour at festivals", or whatever it was again) : P

But, in the epilogue, if she is unpaired, she simply returns to Ilia after Ostia gains control over Caelin.

Really minor, but you might want to replace that "but" with "however". I don't know if it's true, but I was taught that you can't start a sentence with "but", like how you can't start one with "and". However, it doesn't matter too much I guess.

Besides those, I think the article's ready to be added. Just tell me when you think it's ready, and I'll start on adding a page for it.

Edited January 6, 2009 by VincentASM

[Emblem Lugh]

I always thought this sounded a tiny bit odd, but I think know what now. You might want to change "they begin to bully her" to "the bandits begins to bully her". It seems you've used too many indirect... pointing? (Eg. she, they)

Good eye. Fixed.

Although I still have no idea about improving the mention of supports in general, it might be interesting to briefly explain what these secrets are (just a few extra words would do I guess, like maybe "about her behaviour at festivals", or whatever it was again) : P

Well, since the text above the articles says 'MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS', it would not hurt to go more in-depth on supports.

Also, it wasn't revealed what Farina told Lyn, otherwise I would have written that one down.

Really minor, but you might want to replace that "but" with "however". I don't know if it's true, but I was taught that you can't start a sentence with "but", like how you can't start one with "and". However, it doesn't matter too much I guess.

I hadn't heard that one. But However, just to make sure, I will change that. I'll keep it in mind for the future.

Besides those, I think the article's ready to be added. Just tell me when you think it's ready, and I'll start on adding a page for it.

All this seems to need is better descriptions on Florina's supports.

Just for the heck of it, I think I may the the other two sisters after Florina. :P

EDIT: This good enough?

"Florina's fear of men allows for some comedy relief in her support conversations with Hector. In which, Florina attempts to thank Hector for saving her in Noble Lady of Caelin, and after many failed attempts she finally succeeds. Hector is the only male that supports Florina. Her supports with Lyn reveal how they first met; the result of Florina falling from her pegasus into a tree. Lyn later requests that Florina accompany her on her return to the plains of Sacae. In her Farina support, Farina tells Lyn some of Florina's "juicy secrets", and starts to also talk about a time where Florina, during a festival, sat cross-legged on a food table and started singing the Pegasus Counting Song. When Florina supports Fiora, Fiora reveals her overprotective nature for her younger sister, and Florina finally explains to her that it would be bad for Florina to continue protecting Florina ferever. When Ninian and Florina support, Ninian and Florina talk about the place of their births, Ilia. Ninian reveals that she was born near Ilia's tallest mountain, the mountain of the Ice Dragon. Ninian's ignorance for the story behind the mountain leads Florina to tell of a kind dragon that lived there. In Florina and Nino's support conversations, Nino and Florina discuss their siblings and Nino tells Florina about how she and her siblings parted as enemies, eventually leading both to tears. In Florina's support conversations with Serra, Florina asks Serra to help her get over her fear of men. Serra tells Florina to act like her. Due to Florina's character, she is not able to do as Serra advises."

Edited January 7, 2009 by Jem

[Eltoshen]

I still think mentioning the chapter names isn't exactly fitting in a "story article". It'd sound a lot better if you used something like, "After Florina thanks Hector for saving her life when she fell off her Pegasus, she blablabla". What chapter it happened is in unimportant. If you want to mention that it happened when they were fighting to take back [whatever that castle was called here], you can, but I suggest you don't; reason why stated before.

As for ranting about what happens in all the supports: I think it's a bit too much. Some supports just aren't that important and could be left out without much harm at all. This includes the "juicy secrets" support with Farina and the support with Ninian, which doesn't tell us much about Florina, the character you're writing about.

The only one I would suggest including in its own paragraph are those with Hector and Serra. Hector's is self explanatory but why Serra's? It shows Florina's personality quite well. You can create a paragraph relating to Florina's personality and site her conversation with Serra. Use examples from their support to back the details relating to Florina. If you want to use the other supports so badly, find a good topic relating to Florina and do the same thing I mentioned the sentence before this.

In the end, the article should be based on Florina. Things that don't help describe her personality, love life, or history are better off not being mentioned at all.

[VincentASM]

Although I'd probably prefer referring to actual events, instead of chapter numbers or titles, I think it would be alright to do so. In this case, it wouldn't be too hard to replace the chapter references though.

Florina makes her first appearance (when) Lyn, Kent, and Sain stumble across a ruined village

Florina attempts to thank Hector for saving her (back in) Caelin

Florina is rarely, if not ever, mentioned in the story after (reclaiming) Caelin (from the Black Fang?).

Just some quick examples.

It's your choice though ^^

[Emblem Lugh]

I still think mentioning the chapter names isn't exactly fitting in a "story article". It'd sound a lot better if you used something like, "After Florina thanks Hector for saving her life when she fell off her Pegasus, she blablabla". What chapter it happened is in unimportant. If you want to mention that it happened when they were fighting to take back [whatever that castle was called here], you can, but I suggest you don't; reason why stated before.

Seeing how that is a simple detail to edit, I'll start referring to specific event from now on.

As for ranting about what happens in all the supports: I think it's a bit too much. Some supports just aren't that important and could be left out without much harm at all. This includes the "juicy secrets" support with Farina and the support with Ninian, which doesn't tell us much about Florina, the character you're writing about.

I'll include all supports other than Hector's and Serra's in a small paragraph and paraphrase each to about a sentence long.

How's this version?

-----------------------------------------

Florina makes her first appearance in the story after Lyn, Kent, and Sain stumble across a ruined village attacked by the Taliver bandits. Florina, in a search for villagers who know of Lyn's whereabouts, accidentally lands her pegasus on one of the Taliver bandits. She attempts to apologize, but rather than listening, the bandits begin to bully her. They talk amongst themselves about selling her and her pegasus, Huey. Lyn later notices Huey, and eventually Florina. Florina then joins Lyn, Kent, and Sain in a battle against the bandits.

Though her outward appearance suggests otherwise, Florina proves to be a competent and loyal warrior. She joins Lyn and the rest the "Lyndis's Legion" on their quest to Caelin to relinquish Lyn's birthright from her uncle, Lord Lundgren. Upon the end of this quest, Florina stays in Caelin to further her training. She is then not mentioned until Marquess Lau's attack on Castle Caelin.

Florina's fear of men allows for some comedy relief in her support conversations with Hector, the only male Florina has support conversations with. In which, Florina attempts to thank Hector for saving her when she fell from her pegasus while seeking Eliwood's aid back in Caelin. At first, she can't bring herself to say a word to Hector, let alone to reveal who she was. She later practices on what she is to say to Hector when she thanks him. Hector overhears her and answers to his name. Florina, in a startled manner, gets nervous and leaves right away. Later on, Huey grabs Hector by the arm and drags him to Florina. In a rage, Hector attempts to punish Huey, but Florina steps in and pleads that he not. Hector confronts Florina about her always acting like she has something to say, and running off. Finally, Florina gather the courage to thank Hector for his deed. Hector acts like he doesn't remember what happen to tease Florina, but upon seeing her reaction, reveals that he was indeed only joking. He instructs her to stay at his side, and Florina starts crying.

Florina also has support conversations with Serra, a cleric that fought along side Florina on Lyn's quest to defeat Lord Lundgren, and it does the best job out of all of Florina's supports at showing Florina's personality. Florina reveals to Serra that she admires Serra's personality and wants to learn to become more like Serra. The reason being, Florina feels that her fear of men takes away from her usefulness in battle. Serra happily takes on the request. Serra tells Florina that she needs more confidence and to treat men as bugs, rather than equals. This is difficult for Florina because she already has enough trouble just being around them. Next, Serra then starts ordering Florina to stand a certain way, or adjust her posture in ways Florina seems to find painful. After some time passes, Serra asks Florina if she had been practicing. Florina admits that she just cannot be like Serra. Serra tells Florina that she is a noblewoman of Etruria, and Florina admits that she always thought Serra was in a way different from the others. In the end, they decide to become friends.

She also has support conversations with Lyn, Farina, Fiora, Nino and Ninian. Because these don't show much of her personality, or reveal anything story-wise, they are pretty minor, but here are the basics of her remaining support conversations. Her supports with Lyn reveal how they first met. Farina tells Lyn some of Florina's "juicy secrets". Fiora reveals her overprotective nature for her sister. Ninian and Florina talk about the place of their births, Ilia. Nino and Florina talk about their siblings.

Florina is rarely, if not ever, mentioned in the story after the reclaiming Castle Caelin. However, in the epilogue, if she is unpaired, she simply returns to Ilia after Ostia gains control over Caelin. If paired with Lyn, though, she travels to Sacae with Lyn before returning. If paired with Hector, He and Florina go to Ostia, where they are married and Florina aids him in becoming a good leader.

[VincentASM]

This might sound odd, but I think you went into too much, and possible unnecessary, detail for the Hector and Serra supports. For instance, the support paragraphs are already larger than the story-related paragraphs ^^;;;

Here's my suggestion on how to cut down the two paragraphs:

Florina's fear of men allows for some comedy relief in her support conversations with Hector, the only male she supports with. In which, Florina attempts to thank Hector for saving her when she fell from her pegasus while seeking Eliwood's aid back in Caelin. At first, she can't bring herself to say a word to Hector, let alone to reveal who she was. She even practices on what she is to say to Hector when she thanks him, but Hector overhears and interupts her, causing her to run away nervously. Eventually, Huey grabs Hector by the arm and drags him to Florina and Florina finally gathers up the courage to thank Hector, although Hector teases her by pretending not to know.

Florina's support conversations with Serra show Florina's personality best. Florina reveals to Serra that she admires Serra's personality and wants to learn to become more like her. The reason being, Florina feels that her fear of men takes away from her usefulness in battle. Serra tells Florina that she needs more confidence and to treat people as bugs, rather than equals. Next, she starts ordering Florina to adjust her posture, but in ways that Florina seems to find painful. After some time passes, Florina admits that she just cannot be like Serra. In the end, they decide to become friends.

Hopefully I didn't make any mistakes. I should have used your existing sentences as bases, since they were pretty good. One alteration I can remember is that I changed "treat men as bugs" to "treat people as bugs", since Serra also tells Florina to treat her as a bug. Otherwise, I made a few rephrases and did some reordering.

I'd also cut the "other supports" paragraph completely, which is what I think Eltoshen suggested. Since you've gone into detail for those two supports, you don't really need to mention the rest since they don't really compare.

EDIT

Whew, I feel like we've been here for ages. However, I think if you can make those alterations (or similar ones), the article would probably be ready to be added : P

Edited January 8, 2009 by VincentASM

[Emblem Lugh]

This might sound odd, but I think you went into too much, and possible unnecessary, detail for the Hector and Serra supports. For instance, the support paragraphs are already larger than the story-related paragraphs ^^;;;

Not odd at all. I went mega-overboard. I feel that the Serra support paragraph I wrote may have been to the point that a Serra article could use it.

Hopefully I didn't make any mistakes.

You didn't make any mistakes I caught.

I'd also cut the "other supports" paragraph completely, which is what I think Eltoshen suggested. Since you've gone into detail for those two supports, you don't really need to mention the rest since they don't really compare.

I guess it does seem out of place... People can read her other support on Serenes if they feel like it anyway.

The editing you did seems perfect. I'll use them.

Whew, I feel like we've been here for ages. However, I think if you can make those alterations (or similar ones), the article would probably be ready to be added : P

It has been a while. But, at least I know now what is expected, wanted, and deemed as necessary. Any new articles should go more smoothly.

Edited my first post. Unless there are last minute suggestions, it should be ready as you said.

[VincentASM]

Alright, here's the page as promised ^__^

I made around two or three last-minute corrections. The only one I clearly remember is changing "He" right near the end to "he". I also added "of" somewhere so it made sense.

EDIT

Oh yeah, would you still like to be credited as Dark Valamor?

Edited January 8, 2009 by VincentASM

[Emblem Lugh]

Oh yeah, would you still like to be credited as Dark Valamor?

Yes, please.