Phoenix Posted September 26, 2009 Share Posted September 26, 2009 Welcome to the next installment of Death Race... I mean Battle of the Minds! Sorry I can't get enough of that friggin movie. Anyway... On the last episode, we have death machines, Sith Lords, Sith Panzies, a hot Chinese woman, an aging clone agent, and a few random joes debating today's major issues. Today will be bringing back a few of those characters, and adding some new topics for discussion! Now time to meet today's line up! Team Love Darth Revan from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Zhen Ji from Dynasty Warriors Tidus from Final Fantasy X Edward Elric from FullMetal Alchemist Homunculus Lust from FullMetal Alchemist Team Hate General Grievous from Star Wars A black widow spider from the front yard Metal Gear Ray from Metal Gear series Darth Sidious from Star Wars Machine Gun Joe from Death Race With the teams picked, it's time to tackle our first issue! Hopefully there's some real insight this time, and not more pointless bickering and tail chasing... The first of the issues are those news forums where the people analyze the news. They show the news and then talk about it. This usually amounts to telling people how to think and react to something in general. Your thoughts? Oh by the way, some examples are Bill O'reily, or you could down grade to daytime talk shows like "The View". So... your thoughts? Team Love? Darth Revan: Um yeah. that blonde chick is kind of hot. Phoenix: Okay... Darth Revan: That's all I've got to say about the view. Phoenix: Hm... Team Hate? Grievous: These daytime talk shows... are getting on my nerves *wheeze* I cannot stand the sound of these narrow-minded, doctrine urinating, coffin stuffing, scum! Darth Revan: Grievous...? Uh... are you Russian? Grievous: *cough* What? Darth Revan: Your accent... you sound kind of Russian. Zhen Ji: He does. Where are you from? Grievous: *wheeze* Not Russia, I can promise you that, human female. Phoenix: Okay well what about the popular Fox shows, like the Factor, and Glenn Beck? Zhen Ji: Glenn is cute. Phoenix: He looks like an old friend of mine from Eighth grade, but anyway... Team Love? Lust: I like Bill, and Glenn, but that Hannaty man grinds my gears. I just want to nail him to the wall... Phoenix: Why's that? Lust: Do you know what that ass sounds like? "You just contradicted me! You hate America!" Tch, what a drama queen. I mean, has the guy ever had a woman?! Phoenix: I uh... I'll get back to you on that one... ... Team Hate? Darth Sidious: Let us ask our dear little friend here what she thinks... *The spider walks around on Sidious' hand and then bites him!* Darth Sidious: OW!!! *Sidious uses force lightning on the spider and fries it!* Phoenix: Like taking out an X-Wing by firing the Death Star's main weapon. Sheesh... Darth Sidious: Grrr.Ugh... My hand... it's burning all of a sudden. Phoenix: You got bitten by a black widow. Darth Sidious: Do I need something for this? Phoenix: Just go to the hospital, dude. Darth Sidious: No! Not until the dark side wins this debate! Phoenix: (He's f*cked...) Joe: Ey, man! Get that bug sh*t out ma car! Darth Sidious: No one commands me! *Joe back hands Sidious in the face!* Joe: Get it out! *Sidious throws out the bug corpse.* Darth Sidious: Grrrrrrr... Joe: Yeah? What the f*ck you gon do? Darth Sidious: ;_; Phoenix: Any real thoughts on these shows? Is Lust the only contributor? ... ... ... Phoenix: Well thanks for giving us some content, Lust. Lust: Don't mention it, Phoenix. Anything to help YOU out ;) Phoenix: Darth Revan: I call next, Phoenix. Phoenix: What? Darth Revan: When you're done with'er... I call next. Phoenix: You're going to catch something, dude. Darth Revan: Yeah, orgasms. I gett'em all the time from these girls. Phoenix: I meant an STD. Darth Revan: What's that? Phoenix: Sexually Transmitted Disease. Darth Revan: Oh I was close to guessing it! Phoenix: What was yours? Darth Revan: Something That's Doing my huge Sith cock a disservice. Phoenix: ... ... ... close enough... So when it comes to daytime television and the forums, these guys are of few positive opinions. Next we're moving on to a more serious issue. The Nukes that Iran is trying to get it's dry little hands on. Team Hate, you get to go first... Metal Gear Ray: *screeeeeeeetch* Phoenix: Yeah, it would have been nice if you were built to launch nukes like Rex, but that's not the issue. Metal Gear Ray: *screeeeetch* Phoenix: You want me to kill Rex and take his rail gun, then put it on you? Metal Gear Ray: *screeeeeeeeetch* Phoenix: No that won't solve both problems! Metal Gear Ray: *screeetch* Phoenix: *sigh* You're hopeless... Darth Sidious: Let the sand rats build up an arsenal. When they have a sufficient supply of nuclear devices, start a war with them. The carnage will be so great that the aftermath will leave little room for argument against a new world ruling government. Then you can give rise to the Empire, for a safe and secure society! Joe: Yo, Sidious! Darth Sidious: >_>' Joe: You one crazy old f*cka, man. Darth Sidious: Hmpf. Joe: Oh yeah, I got a new name for ya too... it's igor... cause you about da ugliest mutha f*cka out here in dis debate, man. Darth Sidious: o_O' Joe: Funny huh...? Phoenix: Any ideas? Edward: Yeah! Let's rush in there and dismantle the place! Phoenix: What is it with kids and violence? Tidus: I agree. Spira will be in danger if Iran gets nukes. Joe: How da f*ck will your video game island full of circus freaks be in danger if Iran gets nukes huh?! Tidus: Uh... well... I uh... Joe: Yo, man just shut the f*ck up! Dumbass. Edward: Just sit tight, Tidus, we'll win this one. Joe: And YOU! Edward: Me? Joe: Yeah YOU! Lil German b*tch! Who the- Edward: WHO ARE YOU CALLIN A LITTLE SHRIMP SO SHORT AN ANT WOULDN'T SEE'EM?!!! *Joe back hands Edward across the face!* Edward: Why you! Joe: Da f*ck you gon do?! Edward: ;_; Phoenix: Lust? Any strategies? Lust: I pretty much had the same idea as Edward. Rush in there and beat them to the punch. Zhen Ji: That is the best military tactic. Phoenix: Yeah but the military is partially controlled by congress... Zhen Ji: Yes, I know, so we're pretty much screwed. Lust: No, definitely screwed. Darth Revan: Well at least no one can blame us. We tried to get some violence going. In the end, it's their fault, not ours. That means when their people turn on them, we'll be there to pick up the pieces and do things right the next time. Grievous: If there is a next time. Iran could blow several countries off the map before we can get those pansies in your congress to man up and start killing these scum! Tidus: Seriously though guys, we have to save Spira! I thought Sin was bad, and then there was Vegnagun, but nukes? We have to stop them. A country that has nukes could destroy your worlds and mine! We can't let any countries get nukes! Joe: ... ... ... you dumb mutha f*cka... plenty a countries already have nukes! We just don't want the people who hate America to get nukes! Tidus: Why does anyone have nukes?! Grievous: Why does the Empire have the Death Star? Figure that one out... Tidus: But... oh no... Phoenix: You guys just shattered his world. Metal Gear Ray: *screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch* Tidus: You're right, Ray. I can't cry. I have to face this. Other countries have nukes, and I've got to be a man and face them head on! Joe: ... ... ... stupid mutha f*cka, my God! So I guess the Iran strategy is overwhelming violence in one way or another, but congress will quickly put all of these ideas down the toilet. Now on to the final issue! The 50% Divorce rate in America. How to fix this? Team Love? Darth Revan: Remember that part where the guy goes "Til death do you part"? Phoenix: Yeah... Darth Revan: Well, b*tch, you're gonna have to kill me. And guess what? I'm a Sith! I've got the force, and a lightsaber! All you've got is some angry emotions and a kitchen knife! Phoenix: Hm... good point... Zhen Ji: I've been married twice in real history, and about 99,000 times since Dynasty Warriors 6 Empires came out. Phoenix: Oh yeah, I love that game! I married you to the video game version of myself once! You were a good wife. Zhen Ji: Oh stop... you're making me blush. Phoenix: Seriously, she gave me some awesome gifts and raised my level and stuff. She didn't nag me once! Edward: Hmpf, she sounds like a real sweetheart, but she doesn't fool me. Zhen Ji: Excuse me? Edward: Look at you? You're an agent. You use your looks to get men to do and give you what you want, and then you take it! Zhen Ji: Oh that's just my nighttime job, during the day I'm actually very formal and conservative. Edward: yeah right, you're probably worse than Lust. Lust: Tch, you know Edward, I actually liked you at one point. Edward: WHAT?!!! Lust: Remember when I started helping you and Alphonse and treated you a little better toward the end of the series? You were cute, adventurous, ambitious. The kind of guy a woman like me begs for at night when she's alone in her bed. But you're just a brat. I'm not even going to waste another thought on you. Edward: You're lying... you have to be... right? I was only mean to you because I thought there wasn't a chance in hell... Phoenix: Wait, I thought you liked Scar! Lust: Scar died on the same episode I started being nicer to them. *sigh* I wish you were in that show, Phoenix. You wouldn't have died before *@&*@$@^&%@$^*#@ me. Phoenix: Maybe not, but dying in general sucks. I'll gladly haul your ass out of the universe and bring you into mine though. Lust: Thanks. Darth Sidious: I have no need of women! Joe: Can't get it up nomore? I undastand. Darth Sidious: Grrrrr! Grievous: I do not have a penis anymore, but if I did *cough* *wheeze* I would bend both of you females over, and show you how a separatist lays pipe! Zhen Ji: ... ... ... Lust: ... ... ... Phoenix: Team Hate? ANY IDEAS?!!! Darth Sidious: Yes! Hit the woman! Phoenix: What? Joe: What? Darth Sidious: Strike her and she will obey! Phoenix: This is the modern world, that doesn't work so well anymore, and besides, it hurts her feelings and her face. Darth Sidious: So? Joe: Hittin on women?! Foreal?! Darth Sidious: What? I do it all the time. Joe: Yo, man get the f*ck outta ma car! Darth Sidious: What?! Joe: I said get the f*ck outta ma car! *Joe pushes Sidious out of his car and Sidious slams into a steel contraption and dies!* Phoenix: I'm trying so hard to not LMAO right now! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHH! Joe: Yeah whateva... that hittin on women sh*t ain't coo <_< Phoenix: So Team Hate? Any more ideas? Metal Gear Ray: *screeeeeeetch* Phoenix: Tell her that if she doesn't stay with you, you'll step on her? That's a little along the lines of hitting women. Joe: Steppin on women? Foreal? Metal Gear Ray: *screeeeetch* Joe: Yo, man get the f*ck outta ma car! Metal Gear Ray: *screeeetch* Joe: I said get the f*ck outta ma car! *Joe pushes Metal Gear Ray out of his car, and Metal Gear Ray slams into a steel contraption and explodes. Phoenix: LMAO!!! OMG!!! Joe: Yeah whateva... that steppin on women sh*t ain't cool neitha <_< Phoenix: Team Love? Thoughts? Darth Revan: Yeah, here's an idea! Get that David DeAngelo guy! He taught me how to get hot chinese chicks, homunculi, and those girls you see on tv that are just a little too hot to ever talk to you for more than a second. He is my master now. Phoenix: Okay, anything else? Tidus: Wait. Divorces?! Why?! Joe: Ah sh*t... here we go. Tidus: Don't people love each other? Phoenix: Apparently not. Tidus: That can't be! What's wrong with his world?! Edward: That's just the way it is... we have to make the best of what we're given. That's all we can do. Darth Revan: BULLSH*T! Gather up and army and take over the world! Then you can make it your way! Phoenix: Can you say World War II? Tidus: No! Revan is right! I have to stand up and fight! Joe: Dumbass... Tidus: Shut up, Joe! Team Hate is nothing but a bunch of evil doers and I have to start with them! Joe: Mutha f*cka, sit down! There's only two of us left anyway. Tidus: I don't care! I'm taking both of you down, for the future! Grievous: Hehehehehhh *wheeze* You are a bold one hehe... ... KILL HIM... Tidus: What? *Russian Snipers pop out of nowhere and Tidus gets shot about fifteen times with fifty caliber rounds leaving him a riddled corpse!* Darth Revan: Are you sure you're not Russian? Grievous: ... yeah... *wheeze* *cough* *cough* Phoenix: Well folks we're out of time. We almost accomplished something this time and got a few insights into these real issues. Stay tuned to Far Away from the Forest for new episodes, and remember to vote for your favorites! Sometimes they'll make cameos in future episodes and are less likely to die unexpectedly if they survive their first episode! Thanks for reading... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted September 26, 2009 Share Posted September 26, 2009 Phoenix... mind... intelligent... does not compute! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix Posted September 26, 2009 Author Share Posted September 26, 2009 Phoenix... mind... intelligent... does not compute! *Ctrl, Alt, Delete* There... all better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.