Proper Punishment for a Traitor to the Clan?

[Original Alear]

The Background to the Case:

Last summer, I worked at a nonprofit law firm in NJ, my job was to deal with issues related to people in foreclosure. For my valiant efforts I was rewarded with proper and just compensation befitting a man of my rank and ability (trained in the 5 classics, poetry and calligraphy). Naturally, a portion of my fairly earned wage was judiciously appropriated by my parent government, to whom I owe loyalty greater than to my parents, wife or children combined for all it has done for me. In reviewing my status a few months ago (March?), I found that I owed, I think, less than a dollar to the state of NJ, and was in turn owed $37.02 by the federal government of these united states (may it remain one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all for all time), and I filed paperwork accordingly. Returning from my site of higher education with 4 years of education and a diploma under my belt, I found that I had been sent a check for that amount, and decided to deposit in my checking account at a time shortly following my reception of the honored piece of paper issued by the federal government of these united states (may it remain one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all for all time). A few days later, I collected by my bedside the checks I received following my graduation to take to the bank, but was unable to recover the check from the federal government of these united states (may it remain one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all for all time). Concluding I had misplaced it somewhere in my fortress of non-solitude (as I share it with 2 parents, a dog, and sometimes an honorable elder brother who will inherit leadership of this branch of the clan following my father's passing, all of whom excepting the dog are or in the case of my honored elder brother have been loyal servants employed by the federal government of these united states [may it remain one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all for all time]), I decided to go to the bank without the check and deposit the others. While I knew that the fate of the human race would soon hang in the balance with one check worth $37.02 being the only thing that could tip the balance in our favor, I consulted the I Ching and concluded that 37.02 moons (though not a .01% more of one) would pass before it would be called to serve. I sighed a deep sigh of relief and went about my very important and honorable daily affairs.

The Offense:

A few days later, that being TODAY, I was still utterly confused as to the status and disposition of the check which showed my fair entitlement to $37.02 from the federal government of these united states (may it remain one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all for all time). I decided to consult with my honored and estimable parents, who I consider the guiding light that shows me the one true hope, however slim to living a life of virtue and honor which neither Kongzi nor none of his disciples could properly live out and for which I could walk with real pride with my head raised high, as to discovering its secretive location. My father was unaware as to where it might be; it was my mother who unveiled a revelation that would shock me to the core. Seeing the check, she had taken it with HER to the bank and deposited in my savings, not my checking, account. This alone would be worthy of perhaps 30 years defending the borders of the empire from savages with nothing but a staple gun, but not a serious punishment. However! However, I found that in order to do this, she had forged my signature upon the deposit slip.

Punitive Punishment:

As I am sure all honorable citizens of these united states (may it remain one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all for all time) are aware, though I admit I am not sure as to whether a single one of you is even fair-minded let alone honorable, my family is well regarded for enforcing internal punishments so harsh that the Emperor President need take no action, and indeed must sometimes intervene to rein in our zeal for justice and the truth. As such, I felt that it was necessary to execute 37.02 of the closest relatives of my mother, myself included (I will commit ritual suicide once I have carried out my mother's punishment in full) - each and every one of them submitted to ritual suicide properly without protest, acknowledging their guilt in failing to stop my mother's grave misstep. Most sincere were the tears of my maternal grandmother, the closest remaining relative of my mother, who bemoaned that she had failed to properly educate her middle daughter, who had once been her greatest joy and pride, in the proper ways of conducting oneself in a virtuous society. Most terrifyingly angry were the curses of her sisters, most tragic was the silent disappointment of her husband! All willingly went to their graves. For the .02, I cut my dog's nails with the sword of my great great great great grandfather and sealed them in the core of the earth - in 37.02 million years the seal will break and the nails will return in demonic form and most likely rend the universe with their destructive fury, bringing the cycle of death and rebirth to this era which has outlasted itself far longer than anyone dared hope.

So, I ask you, please submit your opinions as to the proper way of dealing with this abject woman who will serve as an example to all of you what will happen to those who shift their toe onto or over the line of good behavior.

EDIT-My mother removed her tongue in remorse for her crimes as punitive self-discipline, so we have no idea what motivated her to commit this offense.

Edited May 16, 2011 by SeverIan

[Book of Ereshkigal]

TL;DR

[Zanarkin]

You should burn her at the stake or hang her. If thats too much, ridicule her at the town square. Perhaps cut her hair while she is asleep? Or take away twice the money she took from you.

Edited May 16, 2011 by Jhen Mohran

[lolDeath]

See you in a week, crazy bitch!

[Original Alear]

See you in a week, crazy bitch!

U are coming to NJ or NYC? OMG tell me and I will <3 u in person.

[Fenrir]

A traitor can only find justice with a cruel death, have him drawn and quatered, and stick his head on a nice place to be seen. of a course a women should be burnt at the stake.