The Boy

[Agro]

Hi dandragon01,

I read through your post and while it tugged at a few heartstrings, I have a question to ask. I haven't read through the first 5 pages of replies because honestly I can't be bothered reading through the flames.

Why do you think you are being bullied? I know this sounds like an awful thing to say, but people are almost always bullied for a reason, be it that they dress strangely, or seem creepy, or have a really annoying voice, or they're clingy, or... a multitude of other reasons. The first thing to do is figure out why you're not accepted. Do you do things that might be considered weird? Do you have a collection of anime girl posters in your locker? Do you dress in a not-good weird way? Things like this can be the reason why you're bullied. I don't know you in real life so it's hard to say why these things happen to you.

[Dandragon]

Hi dandragon01,

I read through your post and while it tugged at a few heartstrings, I have a question to ask. I haven't read through the first 5 pages of replies because honestly I can't be bothered reading through the flames.

Why do you think you are being bullied? I know this sounds like an awful thing to say, but people are almost always bullied for a reason, be it that they dress strangely, or seem creepy, or have a really annoying voice, or they're clingy, or... a multitude of other reasons. The first thing to do is figure out why you're not accepted. Do you do things that might be considered weird? Do you have a collection of anime girl posters in your locker? Do you dress in a not-good weird way? Things like this can be the reason why you're bullied. I don't know you in real life so it's hard to say why these things happen to you.

The reason im bullied is because of how i am easily angered.

[Shin]

Dan, that realisation is key to a good outcome. I can appreciate that it's not always easy to control your temper, something that having an ASD can make harder.

I think it would be helpful if you made a list of things that made you angry, and then try and find ways that you could handle the situations differently. It's a lot easier to plan when you're not in said situations, although it might take a while for you to follow them. I still recommend asking the appropriate adults about help, but looking here is a good start.

I wouldn't blame yourself, bullies will go for the easiest target they see. Work can be done to stop the bullies, but it's even better if you give them less of a reason to take it out on you. eclipse's advice is pretty solid, I would recommend against not telling anyone.

[Steampunk]

I can only share my own experiences with Aspergers (I was diagnosed at 16, but it's something that I've lived my entire life with). Personally, I had no desire to make friends. Social interaction (even with people I enjoyed being around) was very mentally exhausting and uncomfortable. I suppose each person is different, but the last thing I wanted to do as a child with Asperger's was go meet people. As for teasing, bullying, etc, that's simply part of being in public school. I know that's not something people want to hear, but it's a sad fact of life. Teachers and parents should do what they can to discourage it, but it's just unrealistic to believe they are capable of spending every hour with every child to pounce on teasing or bulling every time it happens. I'm afraid that's just how some kids act, and there's no way to police it 24/7.

I certainly understand friendships that fade away. I didn't keep in touch with many friends I made because I hated social interaction, and many of those people probably don't remember me well. Friendship/relationships are simply something that a person has to maintain. If you have no desire to, the other party won't want to keep the friendship alive by themselves. With FB, email, etc very common place however, it's much easier to maintain those connection without seeing them in person. Look those people up on FB and add them as friends. Get phone #'s and text. That way you can keep in touch if face-to-face communication is still difficult.

I wish I could say there was an easy way around the social obstacles Asperger's Syndrome builds, but there really isn't. I had to just suck it up and force myself to interact with people IRL. Very difficult when AS cripples your social skills, and also kills your desire to go out and spend time with people, but it is an essential step. The good news is, the more you force yourself to do this, the easier it gets and the more socially savvy you become. Social interaction is no longer draining, and I actually find myself wanting to contact people now. The problem is, you have to be willing and driven to fight an uphill battle against natural disadvantages for a very long time in order to get to a point where social interaction is fun. You cannot do it by yourself either: you need people who can teach you how to socialize and interact with people. Those who don't have a social disability may have a hard time understanding why a person need to learn how to talk to someone, but that's literally what you'll have to do. You'll have to learn how to pick up on subtlety, read body language, and how to read between the lines to know what a person is really thinking when they're around you. That takes a lot of work and practice, but it is also necessary and I'd go so far to say that is the reason you've had such bad luck with friends. You just can't tell when they're genuinely interested in you and when they want something from you. I was the same way: when someone approached me, it honestly never occurred to me that they might have an agenda.

As much as internet relationships may scratch your itch for interaction, I'm afraid that simply won't do it all your life. Humans are social creatures, and while each person's need for human contact may differ, everyone needs it in some dosage. I enjoy talking and debating on the internet, but it's not the same as being around real people. Before you go out and make friends though, I strongly suggest you learn how to be social by someone certified to deal with people suffering from social disabilities. There's a lot more that goes on than simply talking, but it's subtle and people who have these skills may not even be aware how much a person can say without saying a word. Learning to pick up on body language, ect. will help you identify the kinds of people who you want to be friends with and those who you should avoid.

Something that always gets on my nerves is how people believe those with mental disabilities have "superpowers." I think Cracked.com did an article about this, and I wanted to slap the shit out of that writer. This gives people the idea that those with disabilities don't really have any challenges. So what if a person with Asperger's can't socialize? They're geniuses! Not exactly. Aspergers, in my experience, gives me the ability to spend hours obsessing over a topic and learning as much as I can about it. I can spend a day reading article after article about it, not eating or drinking or doing anything but obsessing over a certain topic. That's certainly helpful and makes it sound like Aspergers is something everyone would want to have. Problem is, Aspergers causes social problems that go beyond simple introversion. Affectionate physical contact (hugs, hand holding, etc)with people is uncomfortable. Not in an awkward "this is weird" way, but in a physically uncomfortable (like an itchy sweater) way. Being around people all day in school was so mentally exhausting that I would literally sit in a chair and stare into space for hours before I was mentally capable of doing anything because my mind was simply overstimulated. I'm sure every person gets to that point every now and then, but this was every school day: I'd have to "recharge" by sitting and literally veging out. I was incapable of making eye contact: it was like looking directly into the headlamps on a car. There were certain types of clothes I couldn't wear because they were downright painful. My parent's couldn't understand this because they didn't experience it and I didn't know how to explain it. A cotton button-up shirt was like wearing sandpaper.

Speaking of parents, my parents went through hell. They didn't understand the challenges I had or the reason why I was unhappy or uncomfortable (which is hard for a parent to watch), and I was a downright exhausting child to be around. I certainly give full credit to my mother for putting up with it, as (in retrospect), I was a very difficult child to raise.

I'm not wanting sympathy: I've managed to overcome the majority of these challenges (except empathy. I have to fake that, I'm ashamed to admit. I am incapable of feeling sorry for someone, but I do make an effort to show I care). I do want to make people aware of why psychologists consider Asperger's a disability when people seem to think it's some kind of superpower and why these people have entirely the wrong idea about the syndrome. There are legitimate issues that go above and beyond "being shy." There are advantages to Asperger's Syndrome (being able to obsess over things and develop an expertise in them, for example), but like all things, those come with a price. Sorry if I rambled a bit, but this is something I have a lot to say about.

[BluBlaDe]

You did not have to force yourself Sheik. I'm not Aspergers but for me it's the same. I have absolutely no interest in socializing. It is a waste of time. You can socialize at school or at your job if you want to but nobody will ever force you to socialize. Me I usually only communicate by responding to people or saying the usual ''Hi'' to not look like a complete creep but I rarely talk to people.

People have been brainwashed into thinking they absolutely needed to have tons of friends and be social savvy. It's okay to be introverted or not social at all. As long as you have fun it's fine. You just have to answer to people when they talk to you, always look them straight in the eyes, no slouching etc. You just need to listen to their words. Who cares about what they really mean/body language? If a person isn't able to communicate honestly with words then that person is not worth your time. Indirect communication is for weakling that don't know what they wants.

Empathy is faked by a lot of people. Truth be told most people don't give a fuck about others except for friends/close family. That is the case for me. I can feel sad for another person at the moment but I surely won't say the usual bullshit '' I'm sorry for your loss'' etc and later on I'll forget about why I felt sad for said person. No time to feel sad for others.

Dan controlling yourself is easy. You just need to stop caring. You care too much about what the bullies says to you. They aren't worth the attention. They are trash. They see you react easily so they keep on doing it. Maybe if you fight back they'll stop, they'll try to find a weaker prey. Most people are sheep so if you target the bully ( usually the leader) they'll all fall in line. Anyways just wait around 18-20 years old bullying stops.

Also don't take social life too seriously. 80 % of it is hypocrisy and it is not worth your time. Everyone are using each others. Just try to be normal and let people do their things. At around 20 years old people won't verbally insult you anymore. Or if they do then I hope you'll be man enough to not take them seriously. I still haven't found out why people are bullying others but I think it's to increase their social statut or just feel superior to others people. If it is the case then that would mean these people are insecure thus you only need to be more confident than them ( it's easy) . These people don't hate you, they hate themselves for being so weak and they want you to be weak too. Don't fall in line with these weaklings and be strong. You don't need to socialize if the people around you aren't to your suiting. Better be alone then around a bad crowd. Honestly you won't find a lot of decent people in real life. I've had a few friends and we were quite similar but I never kept in touch with them. Use friends when you have them and when they aren't there anymore forget about them. Your best friend will always be yourself.

Most people are really quite similar anyway.

If you have the time to get friends then you don't have enough hobbies. You should be so damn busy with yourself and your hobbies that you should not have any time at all for other people.

But you also need to at least socialize with some people. I usually socialize a little at work and with my parents. It's more efficient to socialize while working or going to school since this is boring. Don't take precious gaming time to socialize.

[Quick]

Dan controlling yourself is easy. You just need to stop caring. You care too much about what the bullies says to you. They aren't worth the attention. They are trash. They see you react easily so they keep on doing it. Maybe if you fight back they'll stop, they'll try to find a weaker prey. Most people are sheep so if you target the bully ( usually the leader) they'll all fall in line. Anyways just wait around 18-20 years old bullying stops.

Also don't take social life too seriously. 80 % of it is hypocrisy and it is not worth your time. Everyone are using each others. Just try to be normal and let people do their things. At around 20 years old people won't verbally insult you anymore. Or if they do then I hope you'll be man enough to not take them seriously. I still haven't found out why people are bullying others but I think it's to increase their social statut or just feel superior to others people. If it is the case then that would mean these people are insecure thus you only need to be more confident than them ( it's easy) . These people don't hate you, they hate themselves for being so weak and they want you to be weak too. Don't fall in line with these weaklings and be strong. You don't need to socialize if the people around you aren't to your suiting. Better be alone then around a bad crowd. Honestly you won't find a lot of decent people in real life. I've had a few friends and we were quite similar but I never kept in touch with them. Use friends when you have them and when they aren't there anymore forget about them. Your best friend will always be yourself.

Most people are really quite similar anyway.

The part I crossed off is like the only part I disagree with, a best friend is always nice to keep in touch with no matter what, just remember one true friend>>>>>a million "others" which is probably what he's talking about.

I agree with the rest though. It genuinely helps to train yourself to become less angry, and summer is the perfect time! If you're ever in an argument during the summer, try your hardest to think mostly rational and not mostly emotional, it will take months to perfect controlling it and once you let go of it it's hard to re-obtain it but it sure as hell is worth it.

Also, do you take medication to help? (If there is any) I'm not trying to insult you, but it honestly does help. I have medication to help control my ADHD and it helps a lot when it comes to containing my emotions.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Quick

[Knife]

You got balls for posting this kid, I like that. However, I don't think I could be friends with someone like you. Sad sacks are sad sacks because that's how they see themselves. Posting this is not going to help solve your issues your real life, but at least you can vent.

Bullying is stupid (although I did partake in it more than a couple times). You need to make friends outside of school or join a school club. Get good at something.

Honestly, the best thing that happened in my life is getting a car. In the city of Houston, there are potentially infinite number of groups you can meet if you join clubs and have a network and such.

Damn, that's the longest post I've done in a while.

[eclipse]

Two things:

I'm not wanting sympathy: I've managed to overcome the majority of these challenges (except empathy. I have to fake that, I'm ashamed to admit. I am incapable of feeling sorry for someone, but I do make an effort to show I care).

I could relate to mostly everything, until this. I've got the opposite problem - I worry too much about people who I honestly shouldn't spend so much time on. I can try to explain why, but I'm not sure if it'll help you to understand what empathy is.

Empathy is faked by a lot of people. Truth be told most people don't give a fuck about others except for friends/close family. That is the case for me. I can feel sad for another person at the moment but I surely won't say the usual bullshit '' I'm sorry for your loss'' etc and later on I'll forget about why I felt sad for said person. No time to feel sad for others.

Your posts clearly demonstrate this. I don't think you should be giving anyone social advice until you come to terms with whatever's bothering you. No one deserves to be used, even if they're the worst kind of person you can think of.

[Steampunk]

You can socialize at school or at your job if you want to but nobody will ever force you to socialize

You are absolutely correct. No one will put a gun to your head and tell you to. It's something I've found to be a necessary skill when you're done with public school and throughout University though. Communication skills are just one of those things people need to have.

People have been brainwashed into thinking they absolutely needed to have tons of friends and be social savvy. It's okay to be introverted or not social at all. As long as you have fun it's fine

I don't think it's brainwashing. It's fairly well known that people with better connections and a larger friend network tend to get farther in their careers. It's all who you know and all that. As for body language, I wish it were that simple, but facial expressions, posture, etc are all part of communication. It's not really a matter of people lying for nefarious reasons. You might be on a date with a girl, and she's not really enjoying herself but doesn't want to say something to hurt your feelings. You can tell by how she carries herself whether she's enjoying herself or not. Things that like are what I meant.

I can try to explain why, but I'm not sure if it'll help you to understand what empathy is.

It's an interesting situation, for sure. I heard the tornado in Ok City killed a bunch of children and people. I realize it's something I should feel bad about. I realize why this is tragic and why I should sympathise for these people. I just don't though. It's kinda odd, like some switch in my brain is stuck in the "off" position or something. I do want to feel sorry for them...I just don't know how to I suppose.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Sheik

[Excellen Browning]

You are absolutely correct. No one will put a gun to your head and tell you to. It's something I've found to be a necessary skill when you're done with public school and throughout University though. Communication skills are just one of those things people need to have.

People have been brainwashed into thinking they absolutely needed to have tons of friends and be social savvy. It's okay to be introverted or not social at all. As long as you have fun it's fine

I don't think it's brainwashing. It's fairly well known that people with better connections and a larger friend network tend to get farther in their careers. It's all who you know and all that. As for body language, I wish it were that simple, but facial expressions, posture, etc are all part of communication. It's not really a matter of people lying for nefarious reasons. You might be on a date with a girl, and she's not really enjoying herself but doesn't want to say something to hurt your feelings. You can tell by how she carries herself whether she's enjoying herself or not. Things that like are what I meant.

It's an interesting situation, for sure. I heard the tornado in Ok City killed a bunch of children and people. I realize it's something I should feel bad about. I realize why this is tragic and why I should sympathise for these people. I just don't though. It's kinda odd, like some switch in my brain is stuck in the "off" position or something. I do want to feel sorry for them...I just don't know how to I suppose.

I'm not sure if you understand this, but its completely normal to feel indifferent about what happened in ok city, and there are various reasons why this is normal. I won't get into those because in typing thisessage on a phone. Hell I don't care about the people in ok city but that doesn't mean I don't care about my family and various other individuals. Aka I do not consider myself not empathic.

[eclipse]

It's an interesting situation, for sure. I heard the tornado in Ok City killed a bunch of children and people. I realize it's something I should feel bad about. I realize why this is tragic and why I should sympathise for these people. I just don't though. It's kinda odd, like some switch in my brain is stuck in the "off" position or something. I do want to feel sorry for them...I just don't know how to I suppose.

(tags are one of the banes of my existence)

It is a LOT harder to sympathize with a group of people you've only heard about and share nothing in common with than people you know very well. I wouldn't think you were abnormal if you expressed your condolences and moved on. Now, if you stabbed a family member, and had no idea why everyone was angry with you, that would be a problem. I hope I'm making sense.

[deleted35362]

This sounds a lot like me...except I don't have any excuses like Autism or anything. I'm just an old-fashioned piece of shit.

I'm 18 years old now, and I can tell you that school is a prison. Live with it until you're finally free.

I tried to make friends at school, too. Needless to say, I failed miserably. After I graduated high school last year, I started developing actual friendships online(not that I wasn't online before; since 2008). I also completely abandoned the religion my parents so cruelly shoved down my throat at around this time because this was when society lost a lot of its influence on my manner of thinking .

Dandragon, when you tell the story of your life of hardship, you've received responses such as "suck it up, people have it worse than you". On paper, it might seem like you wouldn't get negative reception if you were the most unfortunate young lad on the planet, but that's not it. If you want to talk to people online, great. However, this isn't the way. Don't let yourself be characterized by the misfortunes in your life. You are a person. You're a functional human being with interests and hobbies.

Furthermore, I'm no social butterfly, but I can say that people tend to find me more pleasant to be around when I show interest in getting to know them rather than if I went on about myself. I'm a coldhearted, demonic ghoul of a human being, but not many people I've met seem to look to me as such because I'm just not the kind of person that talks much about myself.

[Steampunk]

(tags are one of the banes of my existence)

It is a LOT harder to sympathize with a group of people you've only heard about and share nothing in common with than people you know very well. I wouldn't think you were abnormal if you expressed your condolences and moved on. Now, if you stabbed a family member, and had no idea why everyone was angry with you, that would be a problem. I hope I'm making sense.

Gotcha. I know my mother was on the brink of tears, and I was like "Okay, a tornado hit Ok City. That sucks."

On a more personal level, I didn't really feel much when my grandfather passed away. Of course, I offered my condolences to family, and graciously accepted those from others. I didn't really feel compelled to do this, I just did it because that's what you do in those cases. People feel bad, and they don't want someone saying "eh, whatever. He was pretty old. It's not a big surprise."

[Aizenberg]

Your'e 16, your'e at highschool or whatever. of course lifes gonna be shit around this time.

I've got some advice for you teenagers out there with a similar problem.

School won't matter

Social acceptance will not matter

None of this shit matters, but you're a teenager so it will mean the world to you.

just endure