Life Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) Lay it on. My goal is to get this published so anything and everything helps. Edit: It feels prudent to mention that I've already rewritten Chapter 1 into my computer and worked on it much more. The concept is still the same but it feels much better (and longer) at this point. Edited October 24, 2013 by Life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Reading through the first chapter, here are some points I've made. It sounded like the sound of the Hudson River creating a mini-waterfall after rushing past large rocks. I would consider rewording this. It sounds redundant. The world came into focus rather slowly, almost as if beer goggles were slowly being lifted from his face. I don't think the "almost" is really needed here. The he remembered that he had a new contract. Which meant that he actually had to get up. The first highlighted bit is a misplaced word. The second one should be connected with a comma. "He remembered that he had a new contract, which meant that he actually had to get up." Gum. A parking ticket. His cellphone. And a small black box. Motherfucker. Items in a list are usually separated by commas. "Gum, a parking ticket, his cellphone, and a small black box." John Myers. His new employer, if you could call him that. There's something off about this. I think connecting these two sentences would work better. "John Myers was his new employer, if you could call him that." I know that I already wrote up the contract and you're willing to sign but considering my own personal on-goings... I think you need to put a comma before the "but". "I know that I already wrote up the contract and you're willing to sign, but considering my own personal on-goings..." "I'll double your first month's pay."The guy was desperate. Shawn was already going to make a small fortune from the job. And now doubling? "Uh... I'm not sure I..." You should start a new paragraph whenever someone different is speaking. It helps make the conversation much clearer. ""I'll double your first month's pay."The guy was desperate. Shawn was already going to make a small fortune from the job, and now doubling? "Uh... I'm not sure I..."" On a more general note, I see you are using a lot of single word or phase sentences, such as "Silence". I'm not sure they're working for me. If this were written in first person, then perhaps it would sound more reasonable. --- Moving onto the second chapter now. It wasn't as if she was hideous - actually, she was gorgeous - but if it turned out to be her father, that might make things awkward. I think something like this should be less telling, more showing. One way to change, which I think would work nicely, would be to make into the character's opinion of herself. It was almost as if someone had warned him... Unnecessarily ellipsis. A chuckle You should make it clear who's performing the action. "He chuckled." Might want to put something on to wear; You'll catch a cold I don't believe it needs a capital if it's following a semi-colon. Marie had come down the steps but screamed the second she saw the door open and some random guy standing there with Kacie. I think this would sound better with a comma. "Marie had come down the steps, but she screamed the second she saw the door open and some random guy standing there with Kacie." Looked like a nervous tick to her. This sentence has no subject. "He looked like a nervous tick to her." --- I'll see if I can make more comments when I've got more time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Life Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 (edited) Appreciated. Ever since I moved to Israel, my English language skills have been declining. Since I've already rewritten a vast majority of chapter 1, most of your points don't apply to the most current draft but they're still good to know. Also, the single word/phrase stuff is more of a stylistic choice. Just saying. Edited October 22, 2013 by Life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 When I'm reading, the single-words interrupt my flow of thought. I think it might work, but you'll have to use it carefully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwall Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Some of the single-word instances that come to mind (mostly the ones involving f-bombs) are just too direct for something narrated in the third person. The narrator should express those sentiments more subtly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Life Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Not gonna lie, even in my new draft, it sounds forced. I'm going to need to rewrite the whole thing to make it flow a lot more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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