My 5th Husband Is A Vampire?!

[Eckirion]

My first written work which will span depending how my mind juices out the good plot. This is probably the first ( or not ) non-RPG written work posted on Serenes Forest. Do not leave vulgar comments!

http://www.wattpad.com/story/22919223-my-5th-husband-is-a-vampire <----- If you have something to say to the website, say it to the website itself not me.

[Shin]

Stick with a single format. Is this prose or a script? It looks sloppy if you switch between them. I'd also recommend that you worked on your flow, there are a lot of sentences which are too long or awkwardly phrased. Another thing is the use of Japanese names, it makes no sense to use them unless it's a Japanese setting.

[Eckirion]

Stick with a single format. Is this prose or a script? It looks sloppy if you switch between them. I'd also recommend that you worked on your flow, there are a lot of sentences which are too long or awkwardly phrased. Another thing is the use of Japanese names, it makes no sense to use them unless it's a Japanese setting.

The format I am using is of my own style, where the reader can visualize the setting of the story.

What do you mean by sloppy? I made sure that everything is neat and well arranged.

Sorry but short sentences somehow give me an awkward feeling.

Phrased awkwardly???

This is a fantasy genre story. Doesn't matter if the setting is outside Japan, unless you haven't or least watch anime.

I'm sorry if I'm not good on my grammar. :-(

Edited September 8, 2014 by Zazarland

[shadowofchaos]

This is a fantasy genre story. Doesn't matter if the setting is outside Japan, unless you haven't or least watch anime.

Names have meaning. Their origin.

Unless you just want to sound like a weeaboo.

Just for the record, anime usually have settings in Japan.

And they differentiate between foreign names and not.

Or why the character has a Japanese name in a foreign country.

Even in a setting where countries aren't what they used to be or never even was like Earth's.

Glorious Nihon always has an explanation.

自分の名前・・・家族の名前・・・

一体どこから・・・？

[Subsonic]

1. So is this a script for some kind of movie? Isn't really a "fan fiction" to me. (Or a story for that matter.)

2. The way you spew us all this information in one gigantic paragraph really points the fan fiction to be some kind of script for a television show instead. If you wanted to write a fan fiction, don't spew detail about every single little thing about each character all at once. It's overwhelming and already takes out room for development all in one go.

3. Any number ten and bellow must be spelled out. Yes this applies to things like first, second, third, ect.

4. What do these people look like? So far they are just stick figures in my head.

5. It opens like a children's fairy tale. Not really a fan of that unless it is somehow well implemented.

6. Awkwardly phrased = there are some sentences that are worded in a way that sounds odd. (Maybe a little more than half the time it could be because the sentences are actually fragments.)

7. Not a fan of your usage of "endowed." Endowed usually is used when you are talking about MONEY, and when it isn't, it's usually used with a positive connotation, such as gift or bless. Not a curse. Plus it's a dollar word. What I mean by that is that it's too "big." Most people generally are comfortable reading at a tenth grade level and that definitely isn't a tenth grade level word.

Edited September 18, 2014 by Subsonic