Mel Brooks's Monty Python and the Fire Emblem

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Vignette 23B - Mercie the Vampire Slayer, Part 2 of 3

"Well, the garlic 'security system' proved fruitless," Seteth commented. He, Rhea, Hanneman, Manuela, the Eisner twins, Shez and Shayla, and Mercedes had convened in the teachers' lounge during the onset of dinner hour at the monastery. They were there to discuss next steps following the morning's 'incident' with the mountain of garlic.

"On the contrary," Mercedes began to say, "it proved that there is indeed a vampire involved, considering the lengths they went to in order to make the monastery grounds navigable for themselves again."

"(By hypnotizing students and perverted thieves...)" Manuela muttered grumpily.

"Come to think of it, there's one thing I did want to bring up," Shez spoke. "Now that we know there is a vampire running amok, shouldn't we try tracking them down or something?"

"Nip it in the bud, cut off the head, and all that," Shayla chimed in.

"The problem is, if there's one major advantage vampires possess, it's their anonymity," Mercedes explained. "To paraphrase: 'the greatest lie a vampire has ever told, was that they didn't exist'. Disbelief in them is what allowed them to thrive in secret for centuries as they feasted on the living, adding to their ranks."

"Which I still find preposterous," Seteth vehemently stated.

"Still, taking more precautions couldn't hurt," Byron offered. "We could double the security around the monastery."

"With all guards wearing garlic garlands with a Goddess Icon, just in case," Byleth added. "Right, Mercedes?"

"That could work," the Blue Lion student agreed.

"Perhaps we could commission the smiths in the marketplace to forge some proper anti-vampire weaponry," Hanneman suggested.

"Now this is getting ridiculous," Seteth said as he shook his head.

"Seteth, we're only examining all options," Rhea assured her advisor.

"Even so, Lady Rhea, I'm having serious doubts about this whole 'vampire' theory," Seteth said. "I mean, for goddess's sake, WHO in all of Fódlan, by the very farthest stretch of the imagination, could possibly be a vampire?"

"Monica?" Shayla said questioningly on seeing the redheaded student in question enter the lounge.

"Well, maybe her," Seteth said, unaware of the new arrival. Rhea cleared her throat, then nodded at Seteth to turn around, where he finally saw that Monica had entered. "Oh! Ms. von Ochs-pardon me, I didn't hear you come in."

"Not a problem, sir, and excuse my interruption," Monica replied, "I've always been pretty light on my feet. Anyway, I just came by so I could get some clarification on an assignment Professor Byleth handed out earlier today."

"Certainly," Byleth said, "I can go over it with you in the dining hall, a few other students were asking the same thing."

"Thank you," Monica said, before her gaze fell on the other student in the room. "We've never formally met, have we? Monica von Ochs," she introduced herself with a slight bow.

"Mercedes von Bartels," Mercedes responded in kind. "Though originally von Martritz."

"Really? I've heard of that house-used to be very prominent in the Empire," Monica said with a slightly-quirked eyebrow. "My father once told me of its abolishment after its head passed on following his child's birth."

"Yes, a shame I never got to meet my birth father," Mercedes said as she shook her head briefly. "But at least I was able to spend time with my maternal grandfather for a while, and he was head of a noble house as well."

"Which one?"

"The House of von Helsing, in Faerghus," Hanneman answered for Mercedes. "Pardon my chiming in."

"Not at all," Mercedes said to the crestologist.

"The head of that house," Hanneman continued, "is also one of the continent's most well-known experts in rare diseases, as well as theology, philosophy..."

"And gynecology," Mercedes added, surprising a few of the others in the room.

"Huh," Manuela said. "Didn't know he had his hand in that, too."

In the plane of existence between the collective headspaces of both sets of twins in the room, Sothis and Arval, following Manuela's statement, played a collaborative rimshot on the same drum kit, with Sothis handling the *baddum* and Arval the *tsss*.

"I see," Monica said. "That's a name quite well-known in von Ochs territory."

"Come to think of it, isn't 'von Ochs' actually the Fódlanized version of your family name?" Mercedes mused.

Monica quirked an eyebrow before answering. "Why, yes-before my ancestors arrived on the continent, they were known by the name 'Orlok'."

"Ah, as in Count Murnau von Orlok, the founder of the family?" Mercedes asked, seemingly-curious. The others looked at her confusedly. "I stumbled upon their history while perusing a book in the library one day," she quickly informed them before returning her focus to Monica. "A rather rich and colorful history, as it were-apparently, the Count was considered a bloodthirsty butcher on the battlefield, who inflicted unspeakable torture on his enemies: severing their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes, and then impaling them on iron spikes..." Hearing all this greatly astonished everyone but Monica, as nobody ever expected things like that to come out of the mouth of Mercedes, of all people. Sure, Shez, Shayla, and the Eisner twins knew of her fascination with ghost stories, but this was a bit more macabre.

Monica, on the other hand, kept her face slightly stony. "(...They had it coming...)" she muttered.

That caused the jaws of Seteth, Hanneman, and Manuela to drop. "What could they have possibly done to deserve such barbaric and inhumane treatment?!" Manuela asked, shocked.

"My family had a saying in the 'old country'," Monica began to answer, "(Nostloy bleckla, den noi pushta!)"

"They also said," Mercedes replied in turn, "(Stanisha ploftoi, gag mul pafuft.)"

"Hmm," Monica mused, "you know my ancestral tongue-impressive."

Feeling the inquisitive stares of the others on her again, Mercedes quickly filled them in. "I study other languages in my spare time-if I'm to serve the church as I get older, I figured it'd help if I was multilingual, were I to be sent to other parts of the continent." She returned her focus to Monica. "Your ancestral tongue was full of a lot of fascinating phrases-like this one: (Fale dadlic ta)."

Monica mildly chuckled at this. "(Kaploi.)" She then faced the faculty. "Thank you for your time. Professor Byleth, I look forward to seeing-"

"(Manush)," Mercedes uttered softly, but just loud enough for Monica to hear.

"-you at the dining hall," Monica finished, before eyeing Mercedes. "Well, well-from the looks of you earlier, I didn't take you for a girl who likes having the last word. Sorry to say, I'm not going to be drawn into such childish antics...(Paloshtoi.)"

Mercedes chuckled a little. "Oh, how silly of me to care who has the last word...(Polotnik!)"

"...Well, the evening's young," Monica said after a slight pause, "I still need to get my questions answered by Professor Byleth. Perhaps we'll carry on this conversation some other time, Ms. Bartels-until then..."

"Indeed," Mercedes replied. "Have a nice dinner."

Monica nodded, and just as she closed the door, she let out a quick but audible "(Abalutza!)".

Though Mercedes maintained her usual laid-back positivity, deep down she was huffing in that instance. "My, what arrogance," she commented with mild sarcasm to the others as she walked over to the door. "We can easily see why the decadent aristocracy is pretty much dead in that part of the world." Mercedes then quickly opened the door before mildly shouting out into the hallway, "(Fushta!)", which startled a couple of priests walking by. She then closed the door again, with the others in the lounge utterly dumbstruck by what they'd just seen of the normally-pious and kind student. "Everyone, in spite of Mr. Seteth's skepticism, our work is not done, not by a long shot. Like Shez put it plainly earlier, the vampire is still hidden among us. Not only that, we must remember that our foe is cunning, and above all, very tenacious!"

At that moment, Monica's voice sounded through one of the walls of the lounge. "(Gerania!)"

This was enough to actually make Mercedes audibly huff. "*Ooh!* The tenacity of that girl..." It was then that a thought suddenly occurred to her. "Tenacity..."

"Got something, Mercedes?" Byleth asked.

"The makings of a theory," she answered.

It didn't take long for Shayla to figure out what she was getting at. "Hold on, are you saying...Monica's our vampire?"

"Yes!" Mercedes confirmed, "...And no."

"Wait, then what are you saying?" Hanneman asked.

"I'm saying 'no'...but leaning towards 'yes'," Mercedes replied.

"Then you're saying yes?" Shez asked.

"No."

"Then it's no?" Manuela asked.

"Not necessarily," Mercedes answered.

"...Forgive me if I say how dubious that sounds," Seteth stated.

"No, I'm positive..." Mercedes said.

"Of?" Byron asked.

"My theory."

"The theory of...?" Byleth asked.

"The theory of yes or no."

A beat passed throughout the group as they stared at Mercedes.

"...I am utterly confused right now," Rhea finally said, a big sweat drop by her head.

"Actually...I have a way to prove my suspicions," Mercedes said, having gathered her thoughts together after remembering a certain object found in Rhea's office. "I know I'm asking a lot of you, Lady Rhea, but this is what I have in mind..."

A few days following the tiny tit-for-tat between Monica and Mercedes in the teachers' lounge, the former was called into Rhea's office. The purpose, Seteth explained, was to evaluate Monica after two weeks of reintegrating herself back into the academic environs of the Officer's Academy. The Eisner twins were present, given how they were two of her teachers, while Shez and Shayla were providing additional security. Per Mercedes's instructions, both sets of twins were to keep one eye on both the conversation between Monica and Rhea and Seteth, while also keeping another on the archbishop's metal box of sweet treats. The item in question currently had its lid open, and what the two sets of twins noticed on looking at it utterly shocked them (which they did their best to mask, given Monica's presence).

The inside of the lid had a small, rectangular mirror built into it, and while they could see the reflections of Rhea and Seteth clearly...Monica's was nowhere to be found, despite her being right next to the thing, in plain view of the mirror.

Sothis...Byron thought towards the being he and his sister shared a headspace with.

Tell us you're seeing what we're seeing, Byleth finished.

"I see it, all right," the enigmatic girl replied, an astonished look on her own face, "but I don't believe it."

"Same over on my end," Arval chimed in from their part of the 'buffer zone' between the Eisner twins' headspace and Shez and Shayla's. "If this is a parlor trick of some sort, then Monica is quite the magician."

It was then that a knock was heard on the archbishop's door. "Come in," Rhea answered. The door opened, and in walked Mercedes, per her part of the plan. She was holding a small bag in her hands.

"Good evening, Lady Rhea," she greeted. "I brought some of my homemade treats, as you asked."

"Thank you, I've been hearing so much about your handiwork from some of the other students that I just had to try some for myself," Rhea replied. "Please, just pour them into the box right there."

"My pleasure," Mercedes said as she did just that, the sound of the clinking of the tiny cookies falling into the vessel in question filling the room for a brief moment.

"I believe that will be all for today," Rhea said as she returned her focus to Monica. "You may be dismissed, Ms. von Ochs, thank you for your time."

"No problem at all, Lady Rhea," Monica said as she got up from her chair and began to walk away.

"Oh, Monica, before you go," Mercedes began to ask. "Might I offer you a treat or two? With your permission, Lady Rhea."

"I don't see why not," Rhea answered. "Go ahead and take a few, Ms. von Ochs."

"Well, if you insist..." Monica said as she reached for the box containing the treats, which Mercedes was holding out to her. However, the moment Monica saw the mirror in the lid, a feral grimace adorned her face as she hissed and knocked the box out of Mercedes's hands, much to the great surprise of everyone present, who also could've sworn that they briefly saw that two of Monica's front most teeth...were fanged. Monica glared at Mercedes for a moment longer, before regaining some of her composure as she turned to Rhea and Seteth. "Sincerest apologies, Lady Rhea, I...dislike mirrors. Don't even own one, actually."

"Then how do you get yourself all gussied up for the day?" Shayla asked.

"Oh, I have one of my classmates on the same floor as me do my hair," Monica answered almost dismissively with a small handwave. "Quite a good hairdresser, she is-almost as good as Dorothea or Hilda. Anyway, as to why I dislike mirrors..." She narrowed her eyes slightly at Mercedes. "I'm sure Ms. Bartels can explain." She then turned and made her leave, but before exiting the office, she looked at Mercedes one last time. "You know, for someone who hasn't lived a full lifetime yet...you're pretty clever, Mercie."

As soon as Monica left the office and was well out of earshot, Mercedes, Shez, and Shayla let out breaths they didn't know they were holding in.

"*WHEW!* Man..." Shez said, a hint of relief in his voice. "Did you see the look on her face?"

"I know-like a wild beast," Shayla replied.

"I believe that explanation is in order, Ms. Bartels?" Seteth queried.

"Simple," Mercedes said while picking up the box and the spilled treats as she faced the Eisner twins, Shez, and Shayla. "Tell me, what did you see in the mirror?" she asked while pointing to the now-broken object.

Byron and Byleth, along with Shez and Shayla, gave each other a brief look before facing Rhea and Seteth. "Both of your reflections were there..." Byron began.

"But Monica's wasn't," Shayla uneasily finished.

"What?!" Rhea and Seteth replied in astonishment.

"How is this possible?" Rhea asked.

"Vampires cast no reflection at all," Mercedes answered. "Whether in a mirror, or any reflective surface, they will not be seen. Additionally, even if she managed to take one of the treats and eat it...to say it'd be terrible for her digestion would be an understatement, considering these happen to be a batch of home-baked holy wafers."

It was soon clear to both head administrators of the Officer's Academy that Mercedes was right-there was indeed a vampire on the loose, and Rhea had just casually sent her on her way after a short chat about her academic experience. It didn't take long for Rhea to make her next move.

"Seteth, have the guards detain Monica von Ochs immediately," she ordered. "She is to be considered extremely dangerous-exercise utmost caution when dealing with her."

About forty-five minutes later, the Gatekeeper of Garreg Mach entered the office. "Bad news to report, Lady Rhea," McCarley began to say. "Monica von Ochs appears to have vanished-we can't find her anywhere."

Rhea nodded at the news. "Thank you, McCarley. Return to your post, but remain alert." McCarley saluted and proceeded out the door. "*Sigh* It appears Monica won't be making it easy for us."

"Agreed," Mercedes concurred. "I have a feeling she'll probably be marshalling whatever undead force she's managed to build up under our noses. Come nightfall, we can more than likely expect a siege on the monastery. Which means we'll need to bolster our own side." She then faced both the Eisner twins and Shez and Shayla. "Can you gather all the houses together in the cathedral, including the Ashen Wolves?"

"We'll have them within fifteen minutes," Byron replied as he and the other three went off to assemble each respective student body.

Seteth arched an eyebrow at Mercedes. "Why the Ashen Wolves as well?" he asked.

"I believe Yuri may be able to validate my suspicions about how Monica's been managing to move about the grounds without issue," Mercedes replied. "Besides, it's important that we all have everyone on the same page. Otherwise, we may be doomed to the worst kind of immortality."

The main cathedral, fifteen minutes later...

"...Vampires."

That response, delivered in a tone both flat and laced with disbelief, came from one Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, the resident aristocrat of the Golden Deer House. It came after the four Houses of Garreg Mach, along with key faculty of the Officers Academy and Church leadership, had been gathered in the main cathedral of the monastery, where Mercedes had then explained to them the situation at hand and what was to come. Before Lorenz had said a thing, once Mercedes had finished her explanation, the rest of her fellow students found themselves staring, dumbfounded, at a girl they thought they knew well-more so when it came to her friends in her own house in the Blue Lions.

"I understand it may be hard to believe," Mercedes began to say, "but if we're to protect ourselves, and the whole of this continent, we must prepare for an invasion of the undead, and it won't be long before Monica and her forces are upon us."

"Question," Sylvain started to ask. "And I think I speak for all of us when asking, if Monica's been a vampire all along, then how come she didn't burst into flames or something, considering she's been hanging around the monastery? Which, at last check, definitely counts as 'hallowed ground'."

Mercedes looked to the Ashen Wolves students before responding. "Yuri, have there been any suspicious persons moving around Abyss of late?"

"Mercie-may I call you 'Mercie'?-considering the atmosphere down there," the purple-haired house leader of the Ashen Wolves began to answer, "we always deem new faces suspicious. But for the matter at hand, a few weeks ago we did notice a group of gentlemen visiting our little community, all of whom were transporting an unusual cargo."

"What kind of cargo?" Shamir asked.

"It was weird," Balthus, the muscle of the Ashen Wolves, replied. "They were all these long boxes full of soil. We didn't think anything strange about 'em, at first-probably figured they were trying to set up some kind of underground garden."

"I, however, had my concerns regarding possible contamination," Constance, the Ashen Wolves' own haughty aristocrat, chimed in. "I secretly obtained a sample of the soil and did my own analysis, and just to ensure my findings weren't wrong, I sent them along to someone with more expertise in this particular area." She eyed said expert, being Dedue of the Blue Lions, giving him a cue to speak up.

"Constance and I both came to the same conclusion," the 'second-in-command' of the Blue Lions stated. "The soil those men brought with them wasn't native to any of the major nations of Fódlan; additionally, it's not native to even Almyra or Sreng."

"Thought so," Mercedes commented before elaborating. "While many of you might be familiar with the notion of vampires sleeping in coffins, it's often forgotten that they can only do so if they have a good amount of their native soil within. Said soil gives off a particular aura that makes it more tolerable for the vampire."

"Let me guess-" Hapi, the major cynic of the Ashen Wolves, began to surmise. "All those boxes full of soil, put together in Abyss, right under the monastery, provides enough of a buffer that'd enable a bloodsucker like Monica to move about without worry."

Mercedes nodded with a smile. "Got it right on the head, Hapi. Which means, if we're to keep the monastery, if not the whole of Fódlan, out of undead hands, our strategy is two-fold. While one large group of us holds off Monica and her horde up above, a smaller group of us ventures into Abyss to locate the boxes, and purify the soil within them, cutting off the vampires' major advantage."

"So once they're crippled, how do we take them out then?" Felix, the sourpuss swordsman of the Blue Lions, asked.

"To put a vampire out of action permanently," Mercedes explained. "They must be impaled-usually with a wooden stake-through the heart." A few among the students blanched a little on hearing this.

"Okay...*BLECH*," Hilda of the Golden Deer commented, sticking her tongue for emphasis. "Any other way to do them in, aside from keeping them busy until sunrise?"

"There is one other method that's little-used," Mercedes replied. "You cut off the vampire's head, stuff their mouth with garlic, and then tear off their ears."

On hearing that, sweat drops appeared by the heads of the majority of students and staff.

"Right then-stake through the heart it is," Hilda said.

"Cyril and I managed to bring in what stakes and hammers were available from the supply room near the greenhouse," Flayn said and she and the Almyran boy in question wheeled in a small cart full of the implements.

"Good initiative," Mercedes remarked. "Thankfully, those won't be the only tools at our disposal." She then nodded towards another area of the cathedral, where Anna wheeled in on a larger cart a loadout of various weapons, to the surprise of a lot of the students and staff. "Professor Hanneman, your idea from earlier was quite sound, so I put in a special order."

"Special doesn't even begin to cover it," Anna said as she presented the items. "One small arsenal of custom-crafted anti-vampire weaponry, all varnished with the purest of pure water. And, given the present circumstances, yours at a unique and exceptional one-time-only price!"

-X-

"Hang on a moment," Soleil said, a skeptical look on her face. "What's Commander Anna doing there? I thought you said this all happened before you'd even heard of Askr."

"Oh, it wasn't the commander," Mercedes explained. "It was one of her sisters, the one living in our realm specifically."

"You've seen the one from Realm-I," Celica reminded the swordfighter from Realm-VI.

"Oh yeah," Solei said, realizing they were correct.

"Unlike them, this Anna's hair was more on the magenta side than red," Mercedes further added. "Anyway, where was I...?"

-X-

The students and staff proceeded to help themselves to the arsenal, with each of them testing the heft and feel of their arm of choice.

"Not bad, not bad at all..." Edelgard, the Black Eagle house leader, commented as she took a few practice swings with the axe she held. "Weight distribution's well-balanced, quality of the silver used for the axe head is top-notch-the smiths who forged these do great work."

"They should," Anna said. "They're a forge that does a lot of business with monster-hunters. In fact, the silver they utilize also goes into the line of anti-werewolf weapons they produce."

"Werewolf?" Dmitri, the Blue Lion house leader, asked curiously while he tested the lance he'd taken up.

"A different animal compared to vampires," Mercedes explained as she draped a bandolier of stakes around her chest, which ended in a quiver of arrows for her bow. "Though like them, if you're bitten by a werewolf, you become one yourself-cursed to spend eternity in misery while wandering the Earth, transforming into a beast with each full moon, hunting the living like a wild animal..."

"Sheesh, who knew she could be so morbid...?" Ingrid quietly mused as she inspected her own lance.

"Indeed," Lorenz concurred. "You think you know someone, and then they find some way to surprise you. Granted, I'd have preferred if said surprise didn't involve facing down an undead horde."

End of Part 2 of 3.

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Vignette 23C - Mercie the Vampire Slayer, Part 3 of 3

Once everyone had been properly armed and equipped, the doors to the cathedral opened, and the larger of the two groups stepped out and made their way towards the heart of the monastery grounds. The smaller group, made up of Shez, Shayla, Balthus, Hapi, Flayn, Cyril, Alois, and Gilbert, had gone their own separate way through another exit to get to Abyss. As the assemblage got closer, Hilda finally noticed something that made her adopt a curious and confused expression.

 

"Oh-kaaayyy...what's with the outfit, Claude?" she asked. "Especially the sunglasses at night."

 

Claude, for some reason, had traded in his Golden Deer uniform for a more subdued ensemble, capped off by a black long coat and the pair of sleek and stylish sunglasses on his face.

 

"Dunno, really," the Riegan heir replied in a vaguely Snipes-ish fashion. "For an occasion like this, it felt strangely...right."

 

Hilda, dumbfounded by this response, shrugged with a resigned sigh.

 

Felix's eyes darted back-and-forth in a sweep of the monastery grounds. "It's quiet..." he uttered, before Annette ribbed him. "*Oof!*"

 

"Shhh!" the redheaded axe-wielding mage shushed him, a warning look in her eyes. "DON'T finish that cliché!"

 

Felix, a bit taken aback by her uncharacteristic gesture and genre-savviness, nodded.

 

Eventually, the group reached the center of the grounds, and it was then that Mercedes, eyes shifting to her left, quietly but swiftly drew two arrows from her quiver, and in one beautifully fast motion, pulled her bowstring back and then released them in the direction of an alcove near the upper floor where the sauna was.

 

"*URGHK!*"

 

On hearing that, the party looked to where Mercedes had shot her arrows, and watched as two bodies fell over the side of the wall, landing several feet away from them. Shamir, Dmitri, Byron, and Seteth ran towards the spot to look them over, and soon enough noted, with wide eyes, that Mercedes' shots had gone straight into the hearts of both corpses...as well as the faces of both being quite pale, and possessing fangs on their upper and lower jaws. The four looked to the others, especially Mercedes, who was looking at their present surroundings warily.

 

"They're here..." she stated ominously. It was then that the sound of someone clapping slowly was soon heard. All eyes soon turned to the roof of the building where the classrooms were. Against the backdrop of the bright moon, a lone figure slouched, and as she stood up and moved closer to the torchlit section of the wall the party was facing, said figure revealed herself to be the one Mercedes had rallied everyone together against: Monica.

 

"Bravo, Mercie, bravo," she said with a teasing voice and an impish grin. "Excellent shots--but then again, nothing less from von Helsing's granddaughter. Tell me--can you dodge as well as you shoot?"

 

As those words left her lips, those among the group with the most finely-tuned sense of hearing could swear they heard something flying through the air. It was then that Claude suddenly gripped an arrow aimed right at Mercedes while it was in mid-flight, to the shock and awe of most of those around him.

 

"Heard that coming a mile away," he said coolly.

 

Monica's grin became a fanged smirk. "Well then--can you hear...this?"

 

Confused at first by what she inferred, the party soon could make out the sounds of wings flapping. Many wings flapping. Before their eyes, a large shape soon began to almost cover the moon. Those with the sharpest eyes in the group soon realized that this wasn't just one large shape, but a lot of smaller ones that appeared to be flying in formation.

 

"All wings, prepare to dive!" Monica commanded loud and clear. She then turned to another section of the roof. "Orchestra--set the scene!"

 

At her command, the multi-piece orchestra began playing rather fitting music to accompany the beginning of the battle.

 

[Suggested music: "Ride of the Valkyries", Richard Wagner.]

 

Monica turned her focus back to the mass of small flying shapes. "All wings--commence saturation bombing!" The flying shapes soon turned downward and dove towards the group. 

 

Petra and Shamir, thanks to their great eyesight, were able to make out what the shapes were, as did Ashe and Bernadetta due to their archery training. What they saw made their jaws drop slightly.

 

"What is it? What are they?" Byleth asked.

 

"They're...bats," Ashe answered.

 

"L-l-l-lots and lots of them!" a quivering Bernadetta fearfully added.

 

"They also appear to be..." Petra started to say.

 

"...Constipated?" Shamir finished, in a rare moment for her of being baffled.

 

"Constipated?" Marianne softly and confusedly repeated. It was then that her expertise on animals kicked in and her eyes widened considerably. "EVERYBODY TAKE COVER, NOW!"

 

"What? Why?" Caspar asked.

 

"GUANO INCOMING!" Marianne loudly answered as she grabbed a surprised Hilda and ducked behind some stacked crates. Once the sound of multiple *splats* were heard, the others soon followed her lead and jumped for cover behind anything they could find, be it the large shields held by those of the fortress knight class, barrels, bushes, or picnic tables they turned on their sides.

 

Monica chuckled to herself as she watched the scene unfold before her, while her minions that weren't in bat form gathered about her. "Ah, the children of the night," she said amusedly. "What a mess they make."

 

Down below, the archers and long-range spellcasters of the group tried to take out the squadron of bats as their friends covered them (only managing to get very few lucky shots in the process), while also avoiding the rather foul projectiles the flying furry creatures sent their way.

 

"Dis-gusting!" Constance grimaced while attempting to use her parasol as a shield. "Who fights their battles in such a literal dirty manner?!"

 

"Mercie did warn us they were playing for keeps--!" Dorothea reminded her. Her train of thought was interrupted when she and Constance both felt a little something land on their hair, the sound of a *splat* just within hearing distance. Both girls looked at their respective locks, and on seeing the offending stains, felt their left eyes twitch. Their fellow students, seeing their reactions, slowly backed away.

 

"Uh-oh..." Ingrid said forebodingly.

 

"You said it," Yuri concurred.

 

Things were quiet for a few brief moments, until Constance finally broke the silence. "...My hair," she said with an even tone with an underlying hint of shock.

 

"...They made. A mess. In my hair," Dorothea said in much the same way.

 

Both girls, now with furious looks on their faces, their hands glowing with fire spells, suddenly stood up, glaring at the flock of winged rodents that was getting ready for another pass-around. Both then shouted the same thing simultaneously:

 

"YOU LITTLE BAT-STARDS!!!"

 

The two magic users soon launched a volley of fireballs at a (fittingly) rapid-fire pace, the sounds anachronistically akin to those of a World War II anti-aircraft gun. Both girls ruthlessly hit their targets dead-on, as the enormous flock of bats was subsequently turned to ashes, the vampires utterly unprepared for the consequences of giving two of the beauties of Garreg Mach's student body a bad hair day. Once the two girls stopped, panting as they did, they brought their arms down, their hands smoking from the inferno they'd unleashed on the bats. Their friends and teachers slowly stood up, totally astonished by what they'd just witnessed, the ashes falling like snow in front of them.

 

"HO-LY $#!+..." Raphael uttered.

 

"Took the words right out of my mouth, kid," Catherine said.

 

Up on the roof, Monica and her minions were just as astonished. "Huh--did not see that coming," she said, before giving the word to her minions. "Take them." Said minions hissed and leaped down from the roof, fangs bared as they made their way toward the group.

 

Said group soon noticed their undead opponents coming towards them, and readied themselves to meet them head on. "Remember, aim for their hearts or lop off their heads," Mercedes emphasized. "Contrary to the teachings of the Goddess, show them no mercy--they haven't been human for a long time." A sweat drop then appeared by her head. "Also, be sure to watch your step--I don't think any of us wants to slip on bat guano anytime soon."

 

With that, the battle was soon joined as living clashed with undead in the heart of Garreg Mach. It was unlike any battle seen in the monastery's history as the students and faculty fought ferociously against the horde of vampires that threatened to take them on all sides. (At one point, the archers managed to take out the orchestra on the roof.) Byron and Byleth especially were each able to freely go to town with the Sword of the Creator in its 'whip mode', as they passed it between them like a baton, completely in-synch with one another. This did not go unnoticed by one Church soldier who quickly rushed to the monastery's carrier pigeon coop with a few papers in-hand. He then immediately got to work writing a letter to go with said papers, which read:

 

Dear Trevor,

 

You know that new whip-based fighting style you're looking for?

Well, take a look at the included artist's renderings!

 

Your cousin,

Marvin Belmont

 

Back with the Eisner twins, the two of them continued to trade the Sword of the Creator back-and-forth while Sothis acted as their second set of eyes.

 

"Crack that whip!" she shouted.

 

Byron quickly did just that, a loud *CRACK* sounding off as the sharp tip on the end got one vampire right between the eyes.

 

"Give that vamp the slip!" Sothis shouted next.

 

Byleth proceeded to trip another vampire, causing them to fall flat on their face.

 

"Step on his crack!" Sothis shouted after that.

 

At this, Byleth stomped on the fallen vampire's rear end, in particular grinding her heel slowly as she did, which in turn did not bode well for the part of their anatomy that was on the other side, as the vampire went bug-eyed with an almost indescribable amount of pain. "WAY-BINNNNN!!!" said vampire cried out.

 

"Break that monster's back!" Sothis followed up with.

 

Byron tossed the Sword of the Creator to his sister as he grabbed the vampire about to jump him and rammed his spine over his knee; on dropping him to the ground, Byron proceeded to send his spare sword right through the bloodsucker's heart.

 

"Now whip 'em--!" Sothis shouted. Byleth snapped the whip-sword towards another vampire and got them right on their backside, causing them to jump up in pain. "--Whip 'em good!" Byleth snapped the whip-sword again and this time sent the tip right through the vampire's heart, before retracting the sword.

 

Over with Dmitri, he was presently engaged with his own vampiric opponents alongside Dedue, Marianne, Ashe, Linhardt, and Hanneman.

 

"Dmitri! Behind you!" Marianne shouted.

 

Dmitri barely had time to look over his shoulder as a vampire managed to bite into the area where his collar met his left shoulder. Things went still for a moment, until the vampire let go and recoiled in pain, gaping as his fangs crumbled. He then noticed that where he'd torn some of Dmitri's jacket off part of an additional garment showed underneath. The logo resembled two of the letter 'U' merged together, with one upside down; the label beneath it said 'Ye Olde Under Armour'. The vampire's shock further increased when Dmitri stabbed the head of his lance right through his heart; he did a brief double-take from the prince of Faerghus to the now-gaping hole in his chest and back.

 

"Bites, doesn't it?" Dmitri quipped before removing the lance from the vampire, who promptly fell over. (Thankfully, Linhardt had been looking the other way at the time, and Ashe made sure he didn't turn around.)

 

In another corner of the main square, Hilda lopped off the head of another bloodsucker, and was about to be set upon by yet another before a powerful wind spell blew him face-first into a wall. It was then that Hilda was joined by the source of that spell when Annette came up beside her.

 

"Thanks," Hilda said.

 

"No problem," Annette replied.

 

"By-the-by..." Hilda began to ask as they stood back-to-back, "...do you know 'praying mantis'?"

 

Annette smirked at this. "You're looking at her."

 

The two girls, uttering a brief battle cry, soon assumed the same hinted-at martial arts stance and, with great swiftness, proceeded to wail on the vampires surrounding them with a series of chops, punches, and kicks that wouldn't have been out of place in a low-budget 1970s Hong Kong kung-fu film.

 

"HEY! Save some for me!" Caspar called out from a short distance. "Raph, need a lift!"

 

Raphael nodded and, in one quick motion, the smaller Black Eagle student leaped onto the larger Golden Deer student's open palm, curled into a ball as much as possible; from there, Raphael threw Caspar into the group of vampires, where the Bergliez brawler immediately got two from behind thanks to his outstretched gauntlets (equipped with wooden stakes as the spikes), before joining in Hilda and Annette's melee.

 

"Like the way you think, short-stuff!" Catherine complimented him as she slammed the two vampires she was facing head-first into one another; while they were dazed, she quickly pierced their hearts with her own stake-gauntlets.

 

Over in another part of the main square, Rhea and Seteth proved to be holding their own greatly alongside some of the other students. "Do you think the Abyss team is faring well?" Seteth posed as he thrust his lance into the undead minion in front of him.

 

"I'm praying they are," Rhea replied as she punched her own foe square in the face before sending her blade into his heart. "The fact we're lasting this long is proof the Goddess is watching over us."

 

Somewhere in the section of the main square the Eisner twins were fighting in, in their shared headspace, Sothis sneezed.

 

Abyss, around the same time...

 

"Keep going, you're almost there!" Shayla shouted while she sent her blades into the hearts of the two bloodsuckers she faced. 

 

She, Shez, Balthus, Alois, and Gilbert were acting as a wall, with Hapi providing long-range magical support, while Cyril and Flayn went to work on the boxes of cursed soil that had been placed in the center of Abyss. As instructed by Mercedes, they were burying a holy wafer in each bed of earth, rendering it cleansed and utterly useless to the vampires. When Flayn had buried the first one, the sight of the soil glowing briefly, followed by a sudden *Snap!*, *Crackle!*, and *Pop!* had convinced her and Cyril that it worked. The two worked quickly to dig a hole, drop a wafer, and then cover it, and it was proving to pay off, as their protectors soon found that, even with their superior numbers, their opponents getting slower and less coordinated with each box purified. Finally, after what seemed like an hour of planting wafer upon wafer, Flayn and Cyril reached the remaining box. Just as they were about to dig a hole for the wafer, they found that it wasn't entirely unguarded, if the vampire that jumped in front of them menacingly was any indicator.

 

Hapi, noticing their predicament, did the one thing she knew would save them, and sighed. It was then that just as the vampire was about to go for Cyril's throat, he was suddenly devoured by a giant crawler that appeared from the ground beneath him. Thankfully, Hapi had surmised that aside from stakes, pure water, sunlight, garlic, and goddess icons, a vampire was more than likely extremely vulnerable to the powerful stomach acids of a giant crawler's digestive system.

 

Their goal now clear, Cyril quickly dug a hole in the boxed soil and Flayn dropped a wafer into it, which Cyril then quickly covered back up. Once the soil glowed and made that trio of indicative sounds, the two of them sighed with relief. "This basement is clean!" Flayn cheered in a manner akin to a Southern Baptist preacher having performed a successful exorcism.

 

On hearing that, the others (save for Gilbert) grinned knowingly at the remaining vampires, some of whom swallowed and tugged at their collars uneasily.

 

In the shared headspace between Shez and Shayla, even Arval got in on the mood. "See ya," they playfully let out with a teasing wave, even though only their hosts could hear it.

 

Garreg Mach, topside...

 

Petra momentarily found herself dumbfounded when the vampire leaping towards her suddenly lost a lot of its momentum and fell to the ground at her feet. Not wasting the opportunity, she plunged her sword into his heart, and then noticed that the other vampires were exhibiting similar signs. It was as if something had taken the bite out of them. (No pun intended...?)

 

Mercedes was quick to immediately pick up on this, and knew it could only mean one thing. "The Abyss team did it!" she loudly informed the others. "Go hog wild on these bloodsuckers!"

 

[Suggested music: "Livin' in the Sunlight, Lovin' in the Moonlight", Tiny Tim version, God Bless Tiny Tim (1968).]

 

Taking heed of her suggestion, the others did just that and soon found themselves overpowering the now-reduced vampires in spite of their numbers. For the best examples, Sylvain and Ingrid's lances tore through their contingent as if they were engaged in an elaborate dance; Manuela, Marianne, and Lysithea found holy magic to be quite overkill when it came to eliminating their foes; and Felix, Dmitri, Edelgard, Claude, and the Eisner twins utterly decimated their opponents with controlled yet swift ferocity.

 

From her observation spot, Monica realized quickly that this was turning out to be a losing battle. "*Sigh* All right, this is telling me I'm better off with a strategic withdrawal and recovery..." She shrugged before getting up on her feet. "Fun while it lasted..." she said as she leaped off the roof ledge and started fleeing.

 

Back on the ground, the students and staff were dealing with any stragglers remaining, until there was just one vampire minion left. Said minion, (un)fortunately one of the dumb ones, found himself against a wall. "You haven't seen the last of us!" he shouted defiantly while shaking his fists. Claude, unamused, removed a 'magazine' of six arrows, knocked them onto his bowstring (the action making an anachronistic cocking sound), and let them fly. The vampire soon found himself pinned by his cuffs and the sides of his shirt to the wall, a look of dread now on his fanged, pale face. "Uh, heh--you've seen the last of us," he said sheepishly, fervently nodding his head.

 

Claude, holding another arrow he'd taken from his quiver, shook his head. "Some mothersuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill..." he said, before tossing the arrow into the air, and then hitting it with a super-fast spinning kick that sent the arrow dead-on into the pinned vampire's heart. Said vampire, shocked by this, then slumped over, now freshly dead.

 

Claude dusted his hands off as Hilda passed by him. "Showoff..." she muttered.

 

It was then that Mercedes noticed something. "Hold on, where's Monica?"

 

"Saw her bound off the roof a few minutes ago," Petra answered her.

 

"She went that way," Shamir added, pointing in the direction indicated. "If I remember right, that's where the old cemetery behind the ruined chapel is."

 

"She must have a backup resting place," Mercedes quietly surmised. "Edelgard, Hubert, Ferdinand, with me!" she said as she ran towards the location. The three Black Eagle students, confused at first, proceeded to follow after her before anyone could object. Moments later, the quartet found themselves a third of the way into the cemetery, which was covered by a slight fog. After gauging their surroundings, Mercedes held her left hand up, motioning to halt. "Ferdinand, stand right here for a moment, if you would?". The Von Aegir heir nodded a bit hesitantly, before Mercedes motioned for herself, Edelgard, and Hubert to get behind a nearby tree while they observed their fellow student.

 

"What exactly are we doing behind this?" Hubert quietly questioned.

 

"Luring Monica out," Mercedes answered. "I spoke with one of her former classmates a while back. Turns out she has a bit of a type."

 

"And that is?" Edelgard asked, she and Hubert both arching skeptical, yet curious eyebrows.

 

"Handsome, self-assured, overly-confident himbos."

 

Both Black Eagle students sweat-dropped on hearing this, doing a double take towards the standing-vigil Ferdinand and back. "...Can't believe I'm saying this," Edelgard said quietly, "but with Ferdinand, that makes considerable sense."

 

Unassuming of the conversation taking place behind him, Ferdinand warily eyed his surroundings, until he heard a voice in the distance.

 

"Ferdinand...Ferdinand..." the voice called out, full of temptation.

 

Hearing it startled the Von Aegir heir for a moment, as he recognized said voice. "Monica...?"

 

The undead girl in question appeared out of the fog, smiling seductively. "Come away with me, Ferdinand," she said persuasively as she got closer to him, causing him to tighten the grip on his lance. "We could make for a fine pairing, don't you think...?"

 

"Er, ah," Ferdinand started to say, doing his best to maintain his composure. "Monica, I...I quite like where I am at this time. I'm enjoying my time at the academy...and you're dead."

 

"Oh, but I'm not dead..." Monica replied with a honeyed voice, her left hand on his chest while she ran one of her right fingers along his cheek. "...I'm undead."

 

"Yes, well, I'm not un-satisfied with my life, thank you," Ferdinand said, a hint of nervousness in his voice.

 

"Ferdinand, don't be a bore..." Monica urged. "Just one kiss? Let me show you some deep, raw passion...the kind associated with torrid, unbound--"

 

It didn't take long for Ferdinand (and by extension, those behind the tree) to realize just what Monica was getting at. "B-But, Monica--I'm of nobility!" he pointed out.

 

Monica's smile widened a bit. "So are these," she hinted as as she undid the top two buttons of her blouse.

 

Ferdinand's eyes widened on seeing this. "Oh--!" It took all of his willpower to not look down from her eyes. Thankfully, he was spared further effort when a goddess icon was soon held in front of her face by Mercedes, who along with Edelgard and Hubert, had sprung into action from behind the tree.

 

"Back, you hemoglobin-hungry hussy, back I say!" Mercedes commanded.

 

-X-

 

"'Hemoglobin-hungry hussy'?" Maribelle repeated flatly, one eyebrow arched.

 

"Sheesh, talk about corny!" Soleil said with a chuckle.

 

"Eh, I was in the moment at the time," Mercedes replied with a shrug. "It could've been worse--Alois could've been the one to say it."

 

-X-

 

Monica recoiled with an animalistic hiss and soon fled into the abandoned crypt a few yards ahead of her.

 

"Let's get after her!" Mercedes urged. "This is our best chance to destroy her!"

 

"She's right," Hubert added as he looked towards the horizon in the opposite direction. "If my guess is correct, morning is approaching, and Monica knows it."

 

The door to the old crypt opened at Hubert and Ferdinand's hands, and they, with Edelgard and Mercedes ahead of them, entered. Soon, they came upon their target, finding Monica resting in a coffin, conveniently filled with a small layer of cursed soil.

 

"All right, now what?" Edelgard asked.

 

"Now, for the sake of her eternal soul," Mercedes began to answer as she looked at the Adrestrian princess, "you must drive this wooden stake through her heart." She proceeded to hand Edelgard the stake and a hammer.

 

Edelgard stared incredulously at Mercedes on hearing this. "Hold on, why does it have to be me?"

 

"The vampire must be destroyed by one who loved them in life," Mercedes explained plainly.

 

"But I never really hung out with Monica!" Edelgard pointed out as she handed the implements back to Mercedes. "We were acquaintances at best!"

 

"Close enough!" Mercedes replied as she shoved the hammer and stake back into Edelgard's hands.

 

"...*Sigh* Very well..." Edelgard muttered resignedly as she removed her jacket and cape, handing them to Hubert, who instantly produced a coat hanger from out of nowhere and proceeded to hang both garments neatly on it. Edelgard then positioned the point of the stake over Monica's heart and raised the hammer. Just when she was about to strike...

 

"Hold a moment!" Mercedes called out, to Edelgard's surprise. She motioned for Hubert and Ferdinand to get behind a pillar, while she did the same at another. "Okay, now!"

 

Edelgard then swiftly struck the stake with the hammer, piercing Monica's chest. A geyser of blood soon came bursting out, drenching the gobsmacked future empress in liquid gore; both Hubert and Ferdinand went dinner plate levels of wide-eyed on seeing this. Ferdinand then began to turn green, and immediately rushed out of the crypt to lose his lunch somewhere. 

 

Hubert, on the other hand, briefly looked our way, muttering "Thank the Goddess we didn't bring Linhardt along...".

 

Edelgard stood there, wide-eyed herself with shock, for a short moment before she finally spoke. ".........Oh. My. GOD!!!...There's so much blood!!!!"

 

"That's to be expected, considering she recently ate!" Mercedes called out from behind her pillar.

 

Edelgard shuddered, her eyes squeezed shut. "*Eeeeuuuuuggghhhh* Grossgrossgrossgrossgross--" She then slowly opened one eye, only for both to immediately shoot wide open upon seeing something in the coffin. "SHE'S STILL STIRRING?!?"

 

"Hit the stake again!" Mercedes urged. "It needs to go all the way through the heart!"

 

Edelgard, for her part, already had a good idea of where this would undoubtedly lead. "...Do I really have to?", she uncharacteristically groaned.

 

"Like Grandpapa used to always say," Mercedes began to reply before donning an accent, "'It ain't over until the fanged lady shrieks!'"

 

Edelgard glared at Mercedes before she responded in turn. "*Hhhhhhh* Fine." Edelgard struck with the hammer again, sending the stake all the way through, and causing another torrent of blood to spew all over her, much to her physical revulsion. It was then that Monica suddenly awakened and let out a horrified shriek on meeting her fate, before slumping over, apparently finished. Edelgard let out a sigh of relief, before Monica unexpectedly awakened to give her some parting words.

 

"I always thought you were a bitch!" Monica let out in a peeved manner (to put it lightly), before slumping over again, now genuinely dead.

 

"D'oh!" Edelgard uttered with a wince on hearing those words. Mercedes and Hubert then came out from behind the pillars and looked Monica over.

 

"You did it, Edelgard," Mercedes congratulated her with. "Thanks to you, Monica is now truly at peace."

 

Edelgard, glare still on her face, wasn't amused in the least, as one could tell. "She'd better be," she said flatly before casually tossing the hammer aside as she looked her blood-soaked self over. "*Ugh.* This...was utterly disturbing."

 

"Agreed," Mercedes concurred with a nod. "We should've laid a tarp down beforehand." She then turned and began to make her way out of the crypt. "I believe we should report to Lady Rhea of our success." Edelgard and Hubert gave each other a brief look before following Mercedes out, taking a still-queasy Ferdinand with them as they did. Along the way, Hubert handed his liege a handkerchief for her to wipe her face with. Edelgard took it and did so, and when finished (as best as she could), she held it back towards Hubert.

 

"....Please, keep it, Milady," the brooding vassal said in a rare bit of hesitation.

 

The archbishop's office, moments later...

 

"So she's completely out of action?" Rhea asked the two girls in front of her. Hubert was waiting outside the office, while Ferdinand had been dropped off at the infirmary.

 

"Very much so," Mercedes affirmed with a nod. "Edelgard staked Monica herself, as you can see." Edelgard, speaking of, still had an unamused look on her face, as blood dripped from her hair onto the floor, much to Rhea and Seteth's thinly-veiled disgust. "Though I would advise you send someone to ensure that her body is cremated to be on the safe side."

 

"We will take that under advisement," Seteth said. "We are already doing the same to those vampires who haven't already crumbled to dust yet. We've also sent out a patrol armed with anti-vampire weaponry to seek out any that may be hiding."

 

"In the meantime, efforts are already underway to cleanse the monastery and Abyss of any undead detritus," Rhea added. "Miss Bartels, you have my sincerest thanks for your expertise in helping us deal with this threat, as do you, Miss Von Hresvelg, for dealing the finishing blow. You and your fellow students will be happy to know that, in light of the exhausting experience we all went through, classes will be canceled for today so everyone can rest and recover. Now then, is there anything else I can do for you?"

 

Edelgard gave Mercedes, who shook her head at Rhea, a brief look, before doing the same. "No, thank you, Lady Rhea," Edelgard said, a hint of terseness in her voice. "If it's all right, I wish to go do a bit of cleansing myself with a nice, long, hot bath." She gave the archbishop a slight bow before turning to go. "By your leave." She then exited the office, Hubert accompanying her as she began leaving the administrative floor. Mercedes offered her own goodbye as she then left the office herself. Seteth and Rhea then gave each other a brief look before turning their focus on the spot where Edelgard had stood, uncomfortably noting the blood drippings still present, and the trail she inadvertently left in her departure.

 

"*Sigh* Thank the Goddess we had Cyril Scotchgard the rug," Seteth said with a shake of his head.

 

Rhea slumped a bit in her chair before wearily replying. "Indeed. It really ties the room together."

 

-X-

 

The others stared, more than a bit dumbfounded by Mercedes's story.

 

"Well, at least you had a bit of time to rest before Askr came calling," L'Arachel stated.

 

"After hearing all that, I don't know how much I'll be able to sleep tonight," Céline added as she sipped some tea to calm her nerves a little.

 

"Thankfully, we never had to deal with any vampires from that point on, and Monica found eternal rest at last," Mercedes said as she took a scone. "I'm just glad someone kept Linhardt blindfolded while the clean-up was going on."

 

It was then that Sharena came up to them at that moment. "Hey guys! Hope you don't mind, but I wanted to introduce you to one of the newest Heroes we summoned." She then motioned for the person accompanying her to come forward. "She's from a variant of Realm-X, so you should be familiar with her, Mercedes." Sharena then grew confused on seeing how the eyes of Mercedes and the others widened as their mouths went agape, both with surprise, on seeing the person in question. Though her clothes were different, and her hair was of a just as different style, for Mercedes, there was no mistaking her identity.

 

"Um...hi," the newcomer greeted. "Though I'm sure Mercedes knows another version of me, I'm guessing the rest of you don't, so...Nice to meet you all. I'm Monica. Monica Von Ochs."

 

End of Part 3 of 3.

**Author's Note(s)**

Sorry for the wait, folks. This one proved to be a bit of a pain in the neck (HA!) to write. Hope you enjoy the concluding portion of this flashback tale, and see if you can spot the additional references for kicks.

Omake

In a private bath she had set up for herself, Edelgard was currently scrubbing herself clean in a pool of warm, bubble-filled water, the liquid itself being constantly replaced with cleaner water as the bloodier liquid was changed out. For Edelgard, she was just glad to be rid of the damn stuff on her person. Hubert was present in the room, his back turned to her.

"Hubert, make a note," Edelgard began to dictate. "When we make our move against the Church, I want it to be as completely bloodless as possible--not a single drop spilled. Is that understood?"

 

"Completely, Milady," Hubert replied.

 

"Good," Edelgard said before briefly shuddering. "(I never want to see another drop as long as I live...)" It was then that she noticed something off about her bath. Something...missing. "Hold up--where's my squiddy?" She unintentionally splashed some of the bubble-filled water as she fervently felt around the tub. "Where's my squiddy?!"

 

Hubert, worried, replied "I-I'm sure it's around here somewhere. I didn't see it at first when we entered..."

 

"Well LOOK, damn your eyes, look for it!" Edelgard barked in an uncharacteristic mix of panic and frustration.

 

Hubert immediately complied and reached his hand into the tub, feeling around for the object in question. The back of his hand, at a brief point, unexpectedly made brief contact with something else in the water, which made Edelgard utter a quick yelp in surprise.

 

"Hubert..." Edelgard intoned evenly, yet menacingly as she glowered at him, "are you thinking of going into gynecology as an alternative career?"

 

It took Hubert a brief moment to realize what she'd implied, which made him turn bright red as he sputtered out a response. "OH! Oh, goodness--my sincerest apologies, Lady Edelgard," he said as he swiftly removed his hand from the water and began looking all over the room.

 

"Hurry--find it, get it, get it--will you look around?!" Edelgard said as her panic returned.

 

Hubert's gaze soon fell upon a small table full of bathing implements nearby, and a look of discovery then appeared on his face. "There it is!" he said before he dashed to the table and retrieved the object in question.

 

 

"Quick! Give it to me, hurry!" Edelgard urged. "Quick, Hubert! Quick!" Hubert soon returned, squeaky kraken in-hand, and swiftly handed it to Edelgard, who breathed rapidly for a brief moment as she clung to the cute approximation of a mythical squid as if it were a lifeline. "*Whew!* That was too close..." she said, slowly calming herself down as she eyed her prized item. "Momma missed squiddy," she said in a very uncharacteristically cutesy manner. "Squiddy miss Momma?" She squeezed the kraken a few times near her ear. "Aaaahhhh...." she uttered softly as she sunk halfway into the bubbly water, contentedly making glubbing sounds once her mouth was below the surface. Hubert, having returned to his usual level of calm and collected, swiftly turned around and exited the room to wait outside, left arm still wet and covered in bubbles.

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 24 - The Four Purple Yentas

*Disclaimer: The following features an attempt at writing characters speaking as if they'd come from New York's lower east side, and a possible butchering of such.*

*Above illustration by arktoons.*

There are times when the Heroes comprising Askr's Order of Heroes need downtime, and in the kingdom of Askr, there is one specific place set up to give them exactly that. Known as the Aether Resort, this is an area north of Castle Askr that provides a number of amenities that enable those who visit to enjoy a non-tropical vacation and rejuvenate themselves after many days of fighting. Among said amenities, there was a high-quality armory and accessory shop for, who else, the avid shoppers; a concert hall for the musically-inclined; fields for farming and growing one's own crops and livestock, which could then be prepared as delicious ingredients in the adjoining dining hall and kitchen; an inn for those simply wanting to rest their weary heads; and, as the main focus of today's story, the hot spring, another avenue for Heroes to get their rest and relaxation. 

 

Did I forget to mention that this whole resort is located on an island that floats in the sky? 

 

Well, not really important to the story, just a small mention...What is important, however, are the four Heroes currently occuppying one of the pools of the hot spring--the beauteous mage Sonya of Realm-I's present, from the continent of Valentia; Realm-VI's Camilla, the (putting it lightly) overly-affectionate eldest princess of the Kingdom of Nohr; Realm-X's Bernadetta, a reclusive and timid (to say the least) student from the Black Eagle House of the Officers Academy of Garreg Mach Monastery, as well as daughter of the count of Varley territory in the Adrestrian Empire; and a recent newcomer to Askr in Realm-XI's Ivy, the eldest princess of the Kingdom of Elusia. Other than being purple-haired young women, the quartet had little in common with one another, but found themselves engaged in substantial, fascinating conversation, as a server poured tea into the cup Ivy held.

 

Ivy [after taking a sip]: "*Contented sigh* This tea is divine, freakin' divine!"

 

Bernadetta: "Gives the stuff at my school a run for its money, and everyone I know lives on that stuff!"

 

Sonya: "You're tellin' me, the stuff I brew at home's like freakin' toilet water compared ta this."

 

Camilla: "And ta think, who'da believed just a year ago, we'd be sittin' in a jacuzzi, drinkin' tea that might as well be manna from heaven?"

 

Ivy [eyeing her fingernails briefly]: "Not me, sistah, that's fer sure--back then, I woulda been happy just with the tea considered 'passable' in my neck of the woods."

 

Bernadetta: "I'da taken 'passable' over 'too much ta choose from it'll make ya dizzy'."

 

Camilla [nodding]: "'Passable', without any of the chazerei." [The others look at her, slightly perplexed.] "Y'know, cream, sugar..."

 

Sonya/Bernadetta/Ivy: "Ah."

 

Sonya: "Just hot water fer me."

 

Ivy: "Wouldn't have needed a fancy cup for it, anyway--I know I'm a princess, but still, just a plain ol' teacup so stark white you can see it in the dark woulda been fine enough."

 

Camilla: "Sounds like you had decent lighting at yer place."

 

Ivy [shrugging her shoulders a bit]: "Good enough ta see where I was going."

 

Camilla: "Woulda liked lighting like that in mine--for a frickin' palace, it was so dim, half the time you could barely make out which room you were tryin' to get into. Gets worse with three siblings all wantin' to use the bathroom at the same time. (Every. Single. Morning...)"

 

Bernadetta: "Wish I had a problem like that--closest I've got is waitin' out the line of all the gals of all three houses to use the same bathroom, and even then they're half as friendly."

 

Sonya: "Would've killed to have a problem like that, if only ta feel a bit normal. Though admittedly, it was a pretty sweet deal, not havin' sistahs who hogged the bathroom in the morning. Then again, the three of us bein' left at a church doorstep helped, until it didn't--it's what I get fer havin' a father who was grand poobah of the whole state religion..."

 

Ivy: "Did he answer to a big scary dragon?" [Sonya nodded.] "Same deal with my old man--any time 'big boss' Sombron called, he was there the next minute. Swear he was married to his job more than my poor mother, Divine One rest her soul. Twenty years workin' fer the big lizard, and what's he get? Eaten alive and turned into a meat puppet, all just fer askin' fer a raise."

 

Camilla: "Lucky you--at least yer father was just a toady. Mine? Totally paranoid, irresponsible, power-hungry putz who always had shpilkes in his 'third eye'. Spite of that, it got me my brothers and sister--just coulda done without our respective mothers tryin' ta play us against one another. I could go on, but plot twist, can't even blame the guy, considerin' he's been dead since my little sister's birth, and that it was just loony old Anankos in human drag the whole time."

 

Bernadetta [enviously eyeing Camilla]: "Ya wanna talk 'lucky'? If anythin', YOU'RE the lucky one--least you have the excuse of your 'dear ol' dad' bein' possessed by some dragon or demon or demon dragon or whatever. Me? My old man, the only thing he wuz possessed by wuz a classist, 'ambitious', cruel-as-all-hell personality. Long story short, complete an' utter mamzer. Spent my whole childhood tryin' ta mold me into th' 'perfect wife', mainly tyin' me to a chair and forcin' me ta be quiet an' obedient all-the-frickin'-time. It got so bad that every time he got ready for another 'session', I'd throw a colossal temper tantrum just to avoid 'em! Even made it a point to keep toppin' myself whenever he wanted to start one!"

 

Sonya: "Least he was just 'teachin'' youse ta be a lady--woulda taken that over my old man and that yes-bitch of his, Nuibaba, tryin' ta turn me into a witch like he did my two sistahs. Trust me, the results weren't pretty--Marla? Used to be th' stern but kind sister. Hestia? The smart n' mature free spirit. Once 'Daddy dearest' and th' wicked stepmother got their claws in them? Nothin' but pale drones out ta do the biddin' of ol' Duma."

 

Ivy [rubbing her temples a bit]: "*Sigh* Would've liked it if my sistah was more like yours--pre-Duma, that is. ('Scuse my kvetchin' fer a moment.) Don't get me wrong, I love Hortensia, but she can be just so bratty. And she hung onto our father's every word, even when the things he had us do would make our stomachs turn. Before I wound up here, he had us flyin' all over the place, huntin' fer Emblem rings, and takin' out the opposition at every turn. We had a team of top-ranked goons, called themselves the 'Four Hounds', but honestly speakin'? Felt like me and Hortensia were the huntin' dogs more than they were--every day, it was get up in the mornin', scarf down breakfast while somehow still doin' it inna 'refined manner', shower up, get dressed, gather our retainers, get on our mounts, and then fly ta the next kingdom ta claim their ring."

 

Bernadetta [now eying Ivy enviously]: "...Luxury. Least you could talk with your retainers--under 'Papa Tightwad's' thumb, I could barely talk to anyone besides the house staff. I just wanted some peace, a social life, but noooo--'Can't mingle with the common folk, Bernie! They're too below your station, Bernie!' FEH! Y'know that purplehead pretty-boy from my neck of th' woods, Yuri? First friend I actually went out of my way to make, and what does 'proud papa' do when he finds out? Has his goons beat the crap outta him! (Talk about chutzpah...) An' all this, ALL THIS, so he can marry me off ta some lucky macher bigger than he is. Used ta present me to suitors like I was some prime cut, fresh from the deli counter--some of them old enough ta be my grandfather!"

 

Sonya [a bit nonplussed]: "...Paradise. Only reason I was able to escape my 'bewitchin'' was my sistahs, rest their souls, helped me skedaddle before Daddy came a-callin'. Figgered I'd bide my time until I could get back at the old man. Wound up workin' fer a slave-tradin' crook who, despite the fact he operated on land, insisted on calling himself a pirate. Real cruel shmuck, not gonna lie--hated every minute of every day I answered ta him. Only reason he had me around was ta keep an eye on Deen, the other big hired gun he had--you've seen him, dark purple hair, lost his left eye, he wuz at the big Hatari festival they had a few months back?--and the only reason he had Deen around wuz ta do the same fer me. And ta top it all off, he had us both workin' in the desert, of all places--half my paycheck always went towards gallons of moisturizer just so I wouldn't shrivel up out there."

 

Camilla: "...Right...My father, or the nutjob wearin' his skin, used ta have me and my siblings do the fightin' whenever he had some broigus with the neighbors. Told us it was becuase they had better weather and gardens than we did, but that was just utter bubkes. He actually made our adoptive brother Corrin--you know him, the guy with the sword that looks like a corn cob?--live in the guest house until he was 'man enough' ta serve him, and even then he gave him all sorts'a dirty jobs. As if that weren't bad enough, when our step-sister wound up in Hoshido, the guy wouldn't trade ta get her back! And when Corrin refused any more dirty work, 'Daddy' didn't bat an eye, since he had enough mooks with no scruples who'd do it without blinkin'. Add in how he treated my mother--rest her soul, in spite of how she treated me--an' it's no wonder my upbringin' was as screwed up as it was, lookin' back."

 

Ivy [having taken another sip of tea]: "I'll say this, try tellin' any one of our sob stories to the other royals in the Order--would any of 'em believe us at first?"

 

All four [giving slight eyerolls and shakes of their heads]: "Nooooo...."

 

Sonya [examining her hand]: "Oh boy--think it's time we called it a day, girls. Any longer in here, and I'll start lookin' like Niime." [A small object, revealed to be a soap bottle, suddenly falls onto Sonya's head.] "Ow!"

 

Niime [from another pool on the other side of the fence]: "I heard that!"

 

Grumbling, but opting not to dignify that with a response, Sonya, along with the other three, stood up and out of the water, grabbed their towels and wrapped them around themselves, and then made their way back to the changing room to dry off. Along the way, they passed by another pool occupied by another quartet, all redheads, made up of Realm-I's Minerva, princess of Macedon; Realm-III's Miledy, a soldier of Bern and another wyvern rider; Realm-V's Titania, serene second-in-command of the Greil Mercenaries; and Realm-VI's Hinoka, the pegasus-riding eldest princess of Hoshido, all of whom engaged in their own spirited conversation. Strangely, they all appeared to sport Irish accents as they conversed...

 

**Author's Note(s)**

What do you get when you cross the classic pre-Python skit "The Four Yorkshiremen" with Mike Meyers' "Coffee Talk" sketches from Saturday Night Live? Well, the above, or my best attempt at it. While writing, I tried to picture how each of the four would sound, which led to, more or less:

Sonya - a young Fran Drescher

Camilla - a young Joan Rivers

Bernadetta - Arleen Sorkin's (RIP) Harley Quinn as a paranoid mope

Ivy - Rachel Brosnahan as the titular Mrs. Maisel

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Final Vignette - Four Vow Renewals and A Wedding...(Plus more!)

It was a beautiful day in the courtyards of Askr Castle, as the period between the end of Spring and the beginning of Summer paid host to one of the biggest annual events held in the kingdom: the Askran Bridal Festival. Not exactly a bridal expo, this is a festival celebrated like any other one would think of, with all the food, music, and contests that entailed shindigs of this scale. Of course, the major point of distinction with this festival was that a majority of festival-goers (I.E., the various Heroes) wore wedding gowns (for the ladies) and custom-tailored tuxes (for the gentlemen). The Bridal Festival also proved to be a bit of a busy time for the men and women of the cloth, as one of the major features were designated areas where couples could renew their vows, which meant that whether they were part of Askr's court or one of the many Heroes summoned, all manner of priests, clerics, and bishops took shifts officiating these ceremonies. 

 

If someone of the cloth couldn't be found, there were always those who were in a position of authority in other capacities who served in their stead. Such was the case with one of the more recent arrivals to Askr in Fargus of Realm-III, the captain of a band of pirates based out of the Elibean port city of Badon. Just to add a bit of fun to the proceeding, he was presiding over a pirate-themed vow renewal between Realm-VI's Xander and Hinoka, both wearing their buccaneer outfits from the Pirate Festival Askr held a while ago. (Askr holds a lot of themed festivals, as a brief aside.) Like any good friends made through combat or outside of it, many Heroes volunteered to be witnesses at these ceremonies, whether they were of the same realm or not. Realm-X's Byleth and Edelgard were among the ones at the aforementioned swashbuckling ceremony, where the stoic, seemingly-unfeeling mercenary made the 'astonishing' discovery that her formal, dignified, outwardly-modest imperial princess of a girlfriend, who could swing an axe with the best of them...was a wedding-weeper.

 

"Edie, you all right?" Byleth asked (in a slight New York accent for, dare I say, comedic narrative reasons). "You got the whole wahterworks goin' right now."

 

"*Sniff* I can't help it," Edelgard replied between quiet sobs as she dabbed at her face with a handkerchief (while also speaking with a slight New York accent). "I get it from my mother, Sothis rest her soul--she always got a little farklemt at these, they're just so beautiful..."

 

Byleth shook her head a little as she put an arm around Edelgard's shoulder. "Oy-yi-yi, Edie, do NOT get me stahted--get ahold of yourself, why don'tcha. You get a little farklemt, then I'm gonna get a little farklemt, and chances are other people are gonna get a little farklemt. Just take a few a deep breaths, you'll be all better." Byleth then looked our way as she gave us a little motioning gesture. "Give her a minute, talk amongst yourselves. I'll even give you a topic: the Fire Emblem is neither made of fire, nor is it an emblem, discuss!"

 

After a few moments, which included Byleth rubbing her shoulders a little, Edelgard took a deep couple of calming breaths. "...Okay, it passed."

 

Across the breadth of the festival grounds, other couples were engaged in their own vow renewals, the crowd sizes varying with each. Two couples taking advantage of this festival highlight were both from Realm-III, albeit from two different eras of the continent of Elibe: from its present were Etrurian Mage General Pent and his lovely sharpshooting wife, Louise, while from its future were Illian mercenaries Jerrot and Juno. The two couples had actually opted for a double-renewal ceremony to accommodate as much of their family as possible, which in this instance were the Reglays' two children, Klein and his younger sister Clarine; and Juno's two younger sisters, Thea and Shanna. (A bit of minor awkwardness ensued when it came to light that Klein and Thea had been dating for some time, to say nothing of the fact that, convoluting things further, was that Klein and Clarine were in effect witnessing the vow renewals of younger versions of their parents, specifically from shortly before even Louise was pregnant with Klein. But we'll just move on from the chronological implications that threaten to make one go cross-eyed from trying to put all of it together...)

 

At one ceremony, the theme was a bit of an outlier compared to even the pirate one mentioned earlier, as it was quite...gothic, let's say. Realm-I's Henry opted for his vampire-esque finery from the Harvest Festival Askr had put on last year, while his curse-conjuring companion (and fellow dark mage) Tharja wore the only jet-black wedding gown at the entire festival. Presiding over their ceremony was a rarity in Askr, in the form of one of the few practicing druids in the kingdom. All in all, for the creepiest, kookiest, mysterious, spookiest, and altogether-ookiest members of the Shepherds, it was everything they could've asked for in reaffirming their vows in front of friends and family. (Especially those who were given no small threat of being hexed from Tharja.)

 

Engaged with their own ceremony were Realm-V's Rafiel, the eldest of the Heron royal siblings of Tellius's Serenes Forest, and Nailah, the queen of the Wolf Tribe of the Hatari Desert. Unsurprisingly, a lot of those in the Order of Heroes who were changelings were present as witnesses, with a small percentage of humans in attendance as well. "The good thing about a ceremony like this is I'm not the hairiest woman here," Realm-I's Panne quietly noted to her husband, the thief Gaius, who nodded as he chowed down on a second piece he took from one of the wedding cakes put out for the festival.

 

Some members of the Order also volunteered to act as additional security for the festival, and two of those volunteers came in the form of the sword-fighting Realm-II twins Larcei and her brother Scáthach, who presently were making their rounds near one of the buffet tables set up in addition to the food stalls. It was while walking by said table that a small group of people caught their eye. The oldest member of the group, apparently in his early-thirties, wore a hooded cloak and, based on his slightly pale complexion, amber-red eyes, and wild tuft of snow white hair, could almost be mistaken for Realm-I's Robin. The younger members of the group consisted of three boys and girls each, all in their mid-to-late teens. One boy was short and pale, with his black hair held in a slightly-ruffled ponytail and a set of deep purple eyes, his uniform jacket held over his shoulders as if it were a cape. The tallest of the three boys was muscular with dark tan skin and short, fiery red hair, small scars on his face, and wore a uniform in total tatters. The third boy was, in terms of height, somewhere between the other two, and had a face totally obscured by the bandages wrapped around his head (as were his hands and legs), leaving only a few bits of silver hair and blood-red eyes visible. Two of the girls were a pair of twins, each with a braid hanging from the opposite side, with the girl with the left braid having a claw-like tattoo under her right eye and her sister with the right braid having a wing-shaped tattoo under her left eye. The remaining girl was the shorter of the trio, tanned and with long, flowing purple hair, the lower half of her face hidden by a black veil, and sporting a bandolier of throwing knives around her right thigh.

 

Spotting Realm-X's Seteth passing them on their right, Larcei called out to him. "Pardon, Mister Seteth?" she asked, getting his attention. "Do you know that bunch over there? I thought they looked a bit sketchy, but some of them are wearing uniforms like the other Garreg Mach students we've got in the Order, so I figured..."

 

Seteth, on looking where Larcei was indicating, grimaced when he saw just who she was referring to. "*Sigh* Much as it pains me to say, they are indeed from Garreg Mach. They're one of our...remedial classes. (One a lot of us aren't too fond of in particular.) According to the Summoner, they were brought here unexpectedly much earlier than he'd initially wanted." He then called out to the oldest person of the group. "You and your band of reprobates had better be on your best behavior, Professor Yuga! What rules and regulations we extolled upon you ALSO apply here in Askr!"

 

The adult in the group, the Professor Yuga in question, exchanged a brief look with his students before shrugging back at Seteth. "It's all good, don't get your shorts in a knot," he said in a bored but reassuring tone. "We're just here for the food, anyway." The moment after Seteth resignedly sighed again before going on his way to another part of the festival, and the minute that Larcei and Scáthach had their backs turned, Professor Yuga then gestured for his students to resume their 'collecting' of the food on the buffet table as they all removed the sacks they'd been holding behind their backs.

 

In another area of the Festival, Kiran, Princess Fjorm of Nifl (in her own gown), the Askr royal siblings, and their mother, Queen Henriette, had just finished chatting with Realm-I's Marth and Caeda (both in their own wedding finery) when an Askran sentry came up to them. "Presenting, their royal highnesses, Queen Laegjarn and Princess Laevatein of Múspell!" the sentry announced. A sound of trumpets completed the announcement of the aforementioned visiting royals, who walked up to the Queen and her party.

 

"Ah, Queen Laegjarn, Princess Laevatein, what a nice surprise," Henriette greeted as she and the others gave the new arrivals a bow. "We welcome you to this year's Askran Bridal Festival."

 

"Much appreciated, your majesty," Laegjarn replied as she and her sister offered the queen a bow in return. "And while we do plan on staying a while to enjoy the festivities, we're actually here on a bit of business."

 

"What kind of business?" Fjorm asked.

 

"Call it...waste disposal," Laevatein answered as she tugged the chain she and a couple of their guards were holding, while said guards nudged forward the three prisoners they'd brought along. As described way back in Vignette 15, one of the trio wore a stark gray military uniform of some kind, one unlike any of those present had seen before; the one in the middle of the trio was short and wore an all-black outfit with a cape and a comically-large helmet; and the remaining one wore a somewhat-dapper-looking suit, and gave off the demeanor of some sleazy politician.

 

Henriette and the others looked at the trio with surprise on their faces, the queen in particular having a good idea of who they were. "Oh. You were definitely right to bring them to our attention. Say no more, we'll have them out of your hair--and everyone else's--momentarily." She then motioned for another couple of sentries to attend her. "Please take those three to the return portal's chamber and send them through," she politely commanded, to which both sentries nodded and, in cooperation with the Múspellian guards, escorted the trio of Spaceballs high command to their destination, with the mustachioed one nervously swallowing with dread. The smile returned to Henriette's face as she addressed the Múspell royals again. "With that being taken care of, please feel free to enjoy the festival. Let us know if you need anything." Laegjarn and Laevatein nodded in appreciation, and proceeded to head in the direction of the food stalls.

 

"Looks like this will be another successful festival for the books, Mother," Alphonse commented.

 

"I second that," Sharena added while looking towards a small stage a short distance away from where they were standing. "The vocal group we hired this year seems to be doing pretty well with the attendees."

 

The group in question consisted of a quintet of dark-skinned men all wearing outfits similar to those of the Sherwood Battalion from Vignette 19. They were presently rapping a tale of an old folk hero known throughout the kingdom...

 

Lead singer:

Yo, yo, yo--

Check it out!

 

Prince John and the sheriff,

they was runnin' the show.

Raising the taxes,

'cause they needed the dough!

A reign of terror

took over the land...

They was shakin' down the people

just to beat the band.

 

I said 'hey'!

(HEY!)

 

I said 'hey'!

(HEY!)

 

I said--

 

All five:

Hey nonny nonny,

and a ho-ho-ho...!

 

Among those watching and enjoying the performance were, unsurprisingly, Realm-X's Dorothea and Annette.

 

"Tell me you're getting all this down, Annie..." an enraptured Dorothea said to her fellow student. "This is good, no, revolutionary stuff here!"

 

"Trust me, I am," Annette replied as she jotted down a couple more notes on her pad. "I bet I could seriously adapt 'Creepity Creep' to this style..."

 

Lead singer:

The people were unhappy,

morale was low.

They had no place to turn to,

there was nowhere to go!

They needed a hero,

but no one could be found.

'Cause Robin Hood

was out of town.

 

I said 'hey'!

(HEY!)

 

I said 'hey'!

(HEY!)

 

I said--

 

All five:

Hey nonny nonny,

and a ho-ho-ho...!

 

Henriette chuckled a bit as she and the others watched from afar. "Let it never be said that your mother doesn't pay attention to popular trends."

 

Meanwhile, our attention now turned to one particular couple who simply strolled the grounds, arm-in-arm, taking in the festivities. Theirs was a reunion neither had thought would ever happen, and yet, thanks to a twist of fate--and Askr--it did. The couple in question were Miledy and Galle, both from Elibe in Realm-III, both wyvern riders of Bern, the militarily-mightiest kingdom on the continent. Theirs was a rich love story that began with assumptions on Miledy's part (echoing those of her mother, a highly-decorated military strategist) that Galle, born of a scoundrel of an Etrurian nobleman and an Illian mother, was spying on Bern as he rose through the ranks of its army. Over time, relations improved between the two, to the point where love eventually blossomed. Their relationship became complicated once Bern declared war on the rest of the continent at King Zephiel's word; more so once Miledy, one of the chief retainers of Zephiel's sister, Princess Guinevere, found herself defecting (along with her childhood friend, the cleric Ellen; her own brother, a wyvern cadet named Zeiss; and Guinevere herself) to the side of the Liberation Army led by Roy of Pherae. Once that army marched towards Bern Keep, Miledy and Galle found themselves dueling in the skies above the battlefield. Theirs was a pitched dogfight, until finally, a lucky strike managed to do Galle in, sending him and his mount, Skarlen, careening towards the ground.

 

For most, that would have been the end...though, as mentioned earlier, this was not to be, due to a twist of fate, for before Galle and Skarlen ever hit the ground, a portal leading to Askr opened up beneath them. Both rider and wyvern were rushed to the medical wing of Askr Castle, where for a good number of months, they were nursed back to health. After Miledy and other Heroes from Realm-III were summoned by Kiran, once she learned that Galle was still alive, she cried tears of joy as she was led to the room where he'd been recuperating. Eventually, Galle and his wyvern had recovered fully, and they were able to fight alongside Miledy and her mount, Trifinne, once again, the war over Elibe no longer hanging over them. In-between missions with the Order of Heroes, the two were able to patch things up and grow ever closer together. Right now, being at the Bridal Festival stirred something in Galle in particular, which led him and Miledy to pause in their stride as they looked over the festivities.

 

"I've never seen anything so grand," Miledy stated.

 

Galle nodded as he looked at the circlet on her forehead, something he'd given to her before they'd gone to war. "Makes me think...Miledy, you remember how I gave you my proposal in a letter?"

 

"Yes," she answered, a bit confused by his query. "Why do you ask?"

 

"This whole festival has made me realize...I want to pick up where we left off, before Zephiel complicated things for us," Galle replied as he, to Miledy's growing surprise, got down on one knee. "To that end, let me ask again, in a more direct manner. Miledy, right here, right now, at a festival celebrating matrimony in its many forms--will you marry me?"

 

Onlookers gaped and gasped in awe at the sight of the marriage proposal, but Miledy barely paid them any attention, as her look of surprise became one of joy while tears began to well at her eyes. "...Yes. Yes! Yes, of course I will!"

 

Galle stood back up, he and Miledy both surprised by the cheers and applause that surrounded them, causing the two of them to blush a bit over the spectacle of themselves they'd inadvertently made. It was then that they were approached by Henriette, her children, Kiran, and Fjorm, with Anna and her Realm-I sister (herself clad in a gown) joining them. It was taking all of Sharena and Fjorm's willpower to suppress their squeals of excitement.

 

"We overheard everything as we were walking this way," Henriette said. "Believe it or not, it's quite rare for an actual wedding to be held in the middle of the Bridal Festival. Suffice to say, we'll have everything set up for you in no time flat."

 

Galle and Miledy grew more surprised on hearing this. "Truly? You'd really do this for us, your highness?" Miledy asked.

 

"Of course!" Henriette enthusiastically replied. "I happen to be something of a romantic when it comes to spontaneous nuptials. Now then..." She turned to face the two Annas. "Ladies, go find Oboro, Forrest, and Bernadetta, tell them we need them to put together a rush-job wedding gown for the bride-to-be. You know where to find the materials."

 

Both Annas nodded affirmatively. "On it, your majesty!" Askr's Anna said with a quick salute before she and her sister then took a surprised Miledy by the arms, rushing to locate, respectively, the two Heroes from Realm-VI and the one from Realm-X.

 

Henriette then faced Galle. "As for you, young man, let's get you fitted for a tux. Alphonse, you know what to do."

 

"Yes, Mother," Alfonse replied as he then led Zephiel to a fitting tent.

 

Henriette then turned to Sharena, Kiran and Fjorm. "I want you three to go around and see if you can gather any volunteers for witnesses, groomsmen, and bridesmaids."

 

"You've got it, your highness!" Kiran said as they rushed off to do just that.

 

An hour later, an additional area had been designated as the wedding venue, and the witnesses Kiran and Fjorm managed to round up were a good mix of Heroes who'd been wandering around the festival. As for the bride and groom's parties, unsurprisingly Guinevere acted as Miledy's maid of honor, while Heath, himself a Bern wyvern rider-turned-mercenary, stepped up to act as Galle's best man. Among those acting as witnesses were Roy himself and Lilina, the respective children of longtime friends Eliwood and Hector, themselves also in attendance. Henriette, her children, Kiran, and Fjorm stood off to the side of the altar, while Galle himself stood waiting at the altar, the tux making him look quite dashing despite his apparent discomfort with such formal wear. It was then that Henriette noticed something off about the whole setup.

 

"Wait a moment...where's the minister?" she asked. Alfonse, Sharena, and Kiran gaped a bit before realizing that was indeed the missing piece of this puzzle. Suddenly, a panting Anna (Askr variety) ran up to the four of them, stopping a moment to catch her breath before she said anything.

 

"Queen Henriette, we've got a slight...complication," Anna reported. "All the available priests, clerics, and the like are busy with vow renewals at the moment, even St. Elimine!"

 

"Oh, dear," Henriette responded with a bit of concern in her voice. "There surely must be someone who could preside over the wedding..."

 

Kiran looked around, before spotting a tent nearby that gave him an answer. "Don't worry, your majesty, I think I've found just the guy for the job..." He then held a hand to his mouth as he called towards the tent. "Hey, Rabbi!"

 

Rabbi Tuckman (who, wouldn't you know it, we hadn't seen since Vignette 1) poked his head out of the tent's flap on hearing his name shouted out loud. "Who calls?"

 

"It's me, Kiran the Summoner!" Kiran replied. "We've got a wedding in need of a minister, and these two want to get married in a hurry!"

 

"Married in a hurry?" Rabbi Tuckman asked. "That's wonderful! Wait, I'm on my last customer, I'll be right out!" The Rabbi then closed the flap of the tent as he went to resume the circumcision he was in the middle of. Kiran and the others heard the sound of his mini-guillotine falling, and winced on hearing a cry of pain from the customer. "Put a little ice on it, it'll be fine," they heard Rabbi Tuckman say before the man himself emerged from his tent and made his way to the altar, where he faced Galle. "Married in a hurry...Please, invite me to the bris!"

 

"Er, sure thing..." Galle replied, a bit confused by the terminology. It was then that the string quartet began playing, indicating that the bride was indeed coming, with Peony and Mirabilis of Ljósálfheimr 'paving the way' as flower girls ahead of her. Soon enough, Miledy herself arrived, garbed in what could be described as the most beautiful rush-job of a wedding gown ever put together, something Oboro, Forrest, and Bernadetta (for once) were quite proud of. With her own father still in Realm-III, Miledy was thankful to Bartre for stepping up to 'give her away'. Once the two arrived at the altar, Bartre handed her off to Galle before returning to his seat next to his own daughter, Fir, and her boyfriend, the Illian cavalier Noah. Galle, smiling, lifted the veil off of Miledy's face, revealing her own radiantly-smiling visage for all to see. The couple then turned to Rabbi Tuckman.

 

"Are you two ready?" he asked. Both Galle and Miledy nodded. "Good." He then briefly addressed the crowd before he spoke. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered to witness the joining of these two in holy matrimony." Kiran briefly whispered something into the Rabbi's ear, to which he nodded. "I'm told that they've already said their vows, which means we can get right to the point--though, if anyone has any reason that these two should not be married, speak up or forever hold your peace..."

 

It was then that all grew quite surprised when Guinevere stepped up with her hand slightly raised. "Er, pardon, but I have a request before you get there," she said.

 

Kiran had a sneaking suspicion of what she was about to ask. "Oh, boy, don't tell me--" he quietly posed to Fjorm.

 

"I believe so," Fjorm immediately answered, also having a good idea of what was happening, Henriette nodding in concurrence.

 

"As Queen of Bern," Guinevere continued. "I ask that, per custom and my royal right, I give the first kiss of the wedding."

 

Rabbi Tuckman looked to Queen Henriette, who, while a bit hesitant, gave a nod of assent. "Very well, but make it quick."

 

"I shall," Guinevere said in turn as she took off her crown. "Please hold this, Father."

 

"Rabbi."

 

"My mistake."

 

With that, many expected they'd soon see Guinevere plant one on Galle, something Miledy felt a tinge of betrayal over, given how long she and the queen had been friends. However, all eyes grew wide with greater surprise...when Guinevere, instead, took Miledy in her arms and planted a kiss on her, to the point where she briefly dipped with the bride.

 

Roy and Lilina, in particular, gave each other a brief look. "Huh--it's good to be the queen..." Lilina quietly noted, Roy concurring with a nod.

 

Guinevere and Miledy stood back up and disengaged, both sporting a blush, before the former cleared her throat as she addressed Rabbi Tuckman. "You may resume."

 

"Thank you," Rabbi Tuckman replied. "Here's your hat."

 

"Crown."

 

"My mistake."

 

Once Guinevere returned to her place at the altar, Rabbi Tuckman put his focus back on the couple of the hour. "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right--the good part!" He then looked at the bride. "Do you, Miledy?"

 

Miledy, having regained her composure, gazed at Galle with a smile on her face. "I do."

 

The Rabbi then turned to the groom. "Do you, Galle?"

 

Galle, his eyes never leaving Miledy, grinned as he replied "I do."

 

Rabbi Tuckman then raised his hands as he said, "Then, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride!"

 

[Suggested music: Mendelssohn's "Wedding March".]

 

From there, Galle and Miledy locked lips in a deep kiss as everyone cheered and applauded them. Once the two disengaged, Rabbi Tuckman presented them with a glass wine goblet, wrapped it in cloth, and laid it on the ground, gesturing the newlyweds to do their part. Confused at first, Miledy and Galle soon got the idea and then both proceeded to stomp on the covered glass with their feet, shattering it. The two then walked down the aisle, where as they passed Kiran and the Askr royals, the Summoner quickly gave them a "Mazel Tov!" as a send-off.

 

Henriette, on the other hand, handed Galle a keyring with a number on the tag, along with a small map. "Your honeymoon cottage is all set up. Best of luck to the both of you!"

 

Both Galle and Miledy gave the queen a bow as they thanked her, and continued on their way out from the venue. Some feet away, a small group of children who were members of the Order of Heroes heard the newlyweds coming their way, while they'd been busy with the two wyverns (who had been kept from scaring them off thanks to Realm-I's Nowi and Realm-III's Fae).

 

"Shoot, they're almost here," Delthea of Realm-I noted. "Quick, finish those last two knots!"

 

Ewan of Realm-IV and Rolf of Realm-V quickly did just that, as they and the other kids just as quickly stepped away from the wyverns by the time Galle and Miledy reached them. As the newlyweds mounted their wyverns, which then began to lift off the ground, Miledy turned to face the crowd that had followed them and, a challenging grin on her face, promptly tossed the bouquet into it, a lot of the ladies scrambling to catch it. Just when it seemed like Realm-II's Patty was going to be the one, it bounced off her head and wound up in the hands of Kiran. Given that he was next to Fjorm, with the two of them long having been viewed by most of their fellow Heroes as being something of an item, it was no surprise when a very luminescent blush appeared on his and the middle princess of Nifl's faces. A moment later, the two wyverns and their newlywed riders were off, the paper chains that each read "Just Married" (which were what the younger Heroes had been tying to the wyverns' tails) trailing behind them as they flew towards their destination.

 

A short flight later, Skarlen and Triffine were resting under a shady tree as afternoon turned to evening, while Miledy and Galle were settling in at the honeymoon cottage Queen Henriette had set up for them. Galle had just finished neatly putting away his tux, thankful that the Queen had arranged for some additional changes of clothing to be sent for the both of them ahead of time, when he heard Miledy call out from behind the screen where she'd been for the past several minutes, readying herself for their wedding night. "All set, m'love?"

 

The way in which she uttered those words swiftly got Galle's attention as he promptly stood up and faced the screen. "Am I ever," he replied, a hint of eagerness in his own voice.

 

From there, Miledy stepped out from behind the screen, clad in a set of lacy nightwear that was a shade of red which was a total match for that of her riding armor's. The only thing that greatly contrasted with the ensemble was the silver chastity belt around her waist; per Bern military regulations, female soldiers wore these until they married, with the tradition being that they would hand their new spouse the key to the belt, which hung from a little chain around her neck. Miledy held the key up, slowly and seductively lifted it off her neck as she swayed closer to Galle, before catching him in a passionate kiss. The two broke it briefly as she dropped the key into his waiting right hand.

 

"Are we open for business?" Galle playfully asked.

 

Miledy's grin grew a bit wider. "Yes, we most definitely are. But please...be gentle," she replied with a wink.

 

The two resumed their kiss as they held each other closer, Galle using one hand to fit the key into the belt's lock. However, when he turned the key, his eyes shot open on realizing something was...off.

 

"Um, Milly?" he said as he broke the kiss.

 

"Yesss...?" she purred.

 

"You're not going to believe this, but..."

 

"What is it...?" she playfully posed.

 

"...It won't unlock."

 

That made Miledy's eyes shoot wide open as her playful grin vanished. "WHAT?!"

 

Galle was fiddling with the key and the lock, trying to see if he could fumble it open. "I'm serious, the key fits, but it won't budge!" He made a few more attempts before nervously looking up at his new wife. "Er, honey, would it kill the mood if I decided to..." He swallowed a bit before continuing in a smaller voice, "...send for a locksmith?" The groan that was full of equal parts dismay and anger that erupted from Miledy proved to be loud enough that it not only woke up and startled the two wyverns, but could also be heard all the way back at Castle Askr.

 

Away from the newlyweds' unexpected trouble (and seemingly in response to it), on a hill overlooking the honeymoon cottage stood Realm-VI's Azura and her future son, Shigure, who after tuning his lyre, began to sing a certain song...

 

Shigure:

Some things in life are bad.

They can really make you mad.

Other things just make you swear and curse.

 

Azura:

When you're chewing on life's gristle,

DON'T grumble, give a whistle!

And this will help things turn out for the best.

And....

 

Both:

Always look on the bright side of life!

 

[Realm-III's Nils appears by Shigure's side, playing his flute to the tune of the song's whistling portion.]

 

Always look on the light side of life!

 

[Azura and Shigure whistle along to Nils's flute.]

 

Azura [tambourine in her hand]:

If life seems jolly rotten,

There's something you've forgotten!

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing...

 

[On cue, various dancers from the Order of Heroes, from Realm-I's Phina to Realm-XI's Seadall, appear behind Shigure and Nils, doing a choreographed routine to the rhythm of the song.]

 

Shigure:

When you're feeling in the dumps,

DON'T be silly chumps,

Just purse your lips and whistle--that's the thing!

And...

 

Both:

Always look on the bright side of life!

 

[Nils is joined by Realm-V's Nephenee, playing on her Fiddlestick Bow from the Paralogue 'A Splendid Soiree' .]

 

Always look on the light side of life!

 

[Azura, Shigure, Nephenee, and the dancers whistle along to Nils and Nephenee's playing.]

 

The gathering of Heroes in this musical number was suddenly joined by an unexpected face, as the famous Roman stand-up philosopher Comicus popped up between Azura and Shigure, adding a bit of sage advice to the lyrics.

 

Comicus:

When you're stuck on the world stage,

With some loonies half your age,

And everything is starting to go wrong...

It's too late to run away, so you might as well just stay...

[Unfurls a scroll, and points to the likenesses of all six founding Monty Python members.]

Especially when they play their silly song! 

And...

 

All:

Always look on the bright side of life! *Whistles*

 

[The number is then joined by the Sherwood battalion from Vignette 19, entering from 'stage right'; and the singing monks from Vignette 14, entering from 'stage left', both groups adding their voices to the chorus.]

 

Always look on the right side of life! *Whistles*

 

Eir [in her Princess of Hel attire]:

For life is quite absurd,

And death's the final word.

You must always face the curtain with a bow...

[She bows as she sings this.]

 

Ymir, Dragon of Life [appearing alongside Eir, big smile on her face]:

Forget about your sin, give the audience a grin--

 

[Eir cheers up as she switches magically from her Princess of Hel garb to her Life Ascendant outfit.]

 

Both:

Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow!

 

All:

So, always look on the bright side of death!

[Realm-X's Death Knight rides by on his horse briefly, playing the whistling part on a mandolin, followed by Hel, Ganglöt, Líf, and Thrasir, waving jazz hands.]

Just before you draw your terminal breath. *Whistles*

 

Xane of Realm-I [with a tambourine]:

Life's a piece of [the cow Marianne rescued in Vignette 2 *MOOS* loudly],

When you look at it.

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.

You'll see it's all a show,

Keep 'em laughing as you go--

 

All:

Just remember that the last laugh is on you!

 

So, always look on the bright side of life! *Whistles*

 

[Realm-X's Manuela, dressed like a stereotypical opera Valkyrie, complete with winged helmet and spear, adds her pipes to the tune of the whistling.]

 

Always look on the bright side of life! *Whistles*

 

Always look on the bright side of life!

Always look on the bright side of life!...

 

As the song reached its crescendo and then began to fade out, Realm-I's Henry coordinated his loyal flock of crows into formation and conducted their routine in the sky. Once the birds achieved their formation, they spelled out the following two words to put a cap on this entire anthology:

 

THE END

**Author's Note(s)**

Thank you for your patience, as I bring this little anthology of mine to a close. Special thanks to LoneTaker for the use of his OCs from his Three Houses story "The Dustbin", and the Miledy/Galle-centric parts (along with the hint of Klein/Thea) are my tip of the hat to KafkasCharm, author of the Elibe-based stories "An Etrurian 'Spy' In Bern" and its sequel "The Defector from Bern" (plus the side-story "Into the Ring"). For those wondering about the additional lyric in the closing song, that comes from when Eric Idle performed it at the closing ceremony of the 2012 Olympics in London. Byleth and Edelgard's dialogue pays homage to not one but two Mike Meyers signature characters from Saturday Night Live: the titular metalhead from "Wayne's World" and Linda Richman from "Coffee Talk". Panne's comment to Gaius is lifted from the 2001 episode of The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror XII".