Aior0sS@ggitar!us

Final Vignette - Four Vow Renewals and A Wedding...(Plus more!) It was a beautiful day in the courtyards of Askr Castle, as the period between the end of Spring and the beginning of Summer paid host to one of the biggest annual events held in the kingdom: the Askran Bridal Festival. Not exactly a bridal expo, this is a festival celebrated like any other one would think of, with all the food, music, and contests that entailed shindigs of this scale. Of course, the major point of distinction with this festival was that a majority of festival-goers (I.E., the various Heroes) wore wedding gowns (for the ladies) and custom-tailored tuxes (for the gentlemen). The Bridal Festival also proved to be a bit of a busy time for the men and women of the cloth, as one of the major features were designated areas where couples could renew their vows, which meant that whether they were part of Askr's court or one of the many Heroes summoned, all manner of priests, clerics, and bishops took shifts officiating these ceremonies. If someone of the cloth couldn't be found, there were always those who were in a position of authority in other capacities who served in their stead. Such was the case with one of the more recent arrivals to Askr in Fargus of Realm-III, the captain of a band of pirates based out of the Elibean port city of Badon. Just to add a bit of fun to the proceeding, he was presiding over a pirate-themed vow renewal between Realm-VI's Xander and Hinoka, both wearing their buccaneer outfits from the Pirate Festival Askr held a while ago. (Askr holds a lot of themed festivals, as a brief aside.) Like any good friends made through combat or outside of it, many Heroes volunteered to be witnesses at these ceremonies, whether they were of the same realm or not. Realm-X's Byleth and Edelgard were among the ones at the aforementioned swashbuckling ceremony, where the stoic, seemingly-unfeeling mercenary made the 'astonishing' discovery that her formal, dignified, outwardly-modest imperial princess of a girlfriend, who could swing an axe with the best of them...was a wedding-weeper. "Edie, you all right?" Byleth asked (in a slight New York accent for, dare I say, comedic narrative reasons). "You got the whole wahterworks goin' right now." "*Sniff* I can't help it," Edelgard replied between quiet sobs as she dabbed at her face with a handkerchief (while also speaking with a slight New York accent). "I get it from my mother, Sothis rest her soul--she always got a little farklemt at these, they're just so beautiful..." Byleth shook her head a little as she put an arm around Edelgard's shoulder. "Oy-yi-yi, Edie, do NOT get me stahted--get ahold of yourself, why don'tcha. You get a little farklemt, then I'm gonna get a little farklemt, and chances are other people are gonna get a little farklemt. Just take a few a deep breaths, you'll be all better." Byleth then looked our way as she gave us a little motioning gesture. "Give her a minute, talk amongst yourselves. I'll even give you a topic: the Fire Emblem is neither made of fire, nor is it an emblem, discuss!" After a few moments, which included Byleth rubbing her shoulders a little, Edelgard took a deep couple of calming breaths. "...Okay, it passed." Across the breadth of the festival grounds, other couples were engaged in their own vow renewals, the crowd sizes varying with each. Two couples taking advantage of this festival highlight were both from Realm-III, albeit from two different eras of the continent of Elibe: from its present were Etrurian Mage General Pent and his lovely sharpshooting wife, Louise, while from its future were Illian mercenaries Jerrot and Juno. The two couples had actually opted for a double-renewal ceremony to accommodate as much of their family as possible, which in this instance were the Reglays' two children, Klein and his younger sister Clarine; and Juno's two younger sisters, Thea and Shanna. (A bit of minor awkwardness ensued when it came to light that Klein and Thea had been dating for some time, to say nothing of the fact that, convoluting things further, was that Klein and Clarine were in effect witnessing the vow renewals of younger versions of their parents, specifically from shortly before even Louise was pregnant with Klein. But we'll just move on from the chronological implications that threaten to make one go cross-eyed from trying to put all of it together...) At one ceremony, the theme was a bit of an outlier compared to even the pirate one mentioned earlier, as it was quite...gothic, let's say. Realm-I's Henry opted for his vampire-esque finery from the Harvest Festival Askr had put on last year, while his curse-conjuring companion (and fellow dark mage) Tharja wore the only jet-black wedding gown at the entire festival. Presiding over their ceremony was a rarity in Askr, in the form of one of the few practicing druids in the kingdom. All in all, for the creepiest, kookiest, mysterious, spookiest, and altogether-ookiest members of the Shepherds, it was everything they could've asked for in reaffirming their vows in front of friends and family. (Especially those who were given no small threat of being hexed from Tharja.) Engaged with their own ceremony were Realm-V's Rafiel, the eldest of the Heron royal siblings of Tellius's Serenes Forest, and Nailah, the queen of the Wolf Tribe of the Hatari Desert. Unsurprisingly, a lot of those in the Order of Heroes who were changelings were present as witnesses, with a small percentage of humans in attendance as well. "The good thing about a ceremony like this is I'm not the hairiest woman here," Realm-I's Panne quietly noted to her husband, the thief Gaius, who nodded as he chowed down on a second piece he took from one of the wedding cakes put out for the festival. Some members of the Order also volunteered to act as additional security for the festival, and two of those volunteers came in the form of the sword-fighting Realm-II twins Larcei and her brother Scáthach, who presently were making their rounds near one of the buffet tables set up in addition to the food stalls. It was while walking by said table that a small group of people caught their eye. The oldest member of the group, apparently in his early-thirties, wore a hooded cloak and, based on his slightly pale complexion, amber-red eyes, and wild tuft of snow white hair, could almost be mistaken for Realm-I's Robin. The younger members of the group consisted of three boys and girls each, all in their mid-to-late teens. One boy was short and pale, with his black hair held in a slightly-ruffled ponytail and a set of deep purple eyes, his uniform jacket held over his shoulders as if it were a cape. The tallest of the three boys was muscular with dark tan skin and short, fiery red hair, small scars on his face, and wore a uniform in total tatters. The third boy was, in terms of height, somewhere between the other two, and had a face totally obscured by the bandages wrapped around his head (as were his hands and legs), leaving only a few bits of silver hair and blood-red eyes visible. Two of the girls were a pair of twins, each with a braid hanging from the opposite side, with the girl with the left braid having a claw-like tattoo under her right eye and her sister with the right braid having a wing-shaped tattoo under her left eye. The remaining girl was the shorter of the trio, tanned and with long, flowing purple hair, the lower half of her face hidden by a black veil, and sporting a bandolier of throwing knives around her right thigh. Spotting Realm-X's Seteth passing them on their right, Larcei called out to him. "Pardon, Mister Seteth?" she asked, getting his attention. "Do you know that bunch over there? I thought they looked a bit sketchy, but some of them are wearing uniforms like the other Garreg Mach students we've got in the Order, so I figured..." Seteth, on looking where Larcei was indicating, grimaced when he saw just who she was referring to. "*Sigh* Much as it pains me to say, they are indeed from Garreg Mach. They're one of our...remedial classes. (One a lot of us aren't too fond of in particular.) According to the Summoner, they were brought here unexpectedly much earlier than he'd initially wanted." He then called out to the oldest person of the group. "You and your band of reprobates had better be on your best behavior, Professor Yuga! What rules and regulations we extolled upon you ALSO apply here in Askr!" The adult in the group, the Professor Yuga in question, exchanged a brief look with his students before shrugging back at Seteth. "It's all good, don't get your shorts in a knot," he said in a bored but reassuring tone. "We're just here for the food, anyway." The moment after Seteth resignedly sighed again before going on his way to another part of the festival, and the minute that Larcei and Scáthach had their backs turned, Professor Yuga then gestured for his students to resume their 'collecting' of the food on the buffet table as they all removed the sacks they'd been holding behind their backs. In another area of the Festival, Kiran, Princess Fjorm of Nifl (in her own gown), the Askr royal siblings, and their mother, Queen Henriette, had just finished chatting with Realm-I's Marth and Caeda (both in their own wedding finery) when an Askran sentry came up to them. "Presenting, their royal highnesses, Queen Laegjarn and Princess Laevatein of Múspell!" the sentry announced. A sound of trumpets completed the announcement of the aforementioned visiting royals, who walked up to the Queen and her party. "Ah, Queen Laegjarn, Princess Laevatein, what a nice surprise," Henriette greeted as she and the others gave the new arrivals a bow. "We welcome you to this year's Askran Bridal Festival." "Much appreciated, your majesty," Laegjarn replied as she and her sister offered the queen a bow in return. "And while we do plan on staying a while to enjoy the festivities, we're actually here on a bit of business." "What kind of business?" Fjorm asked. "Call it...waste disposal," Laevatein answered as she tugged the chain she and a couple of their guards were holding, while said guards nudged forward the three prisoners they'd brought along. As described way back in Vignette 15, one of the trio wore a stark gray military uniform of some kind, one unlike any of those present had seen before; the one in the middle of the trio was short and wore an all-black outfit with a cape and a comically-large helmet; and the remaining one wore a somewhat-dapper-looking suit, and gave off the demeanor of some sleazy politician. Henriette and the others looked at the trio with surprise on their faces, the queen in particular having a good idea of who they were. "Oh. You were definitely right to bring them to our attention. Say no more, we'll have them out of your hair--and everyone else's--momentarily." She then motioned for another couple of sentries to attend her. "Please take those three to the return portal's chamber and send them through," she politely commanded, to which both sentries nodded and, in cooperation with the Múspellian guards, escorted the trio of Spaceballs high command to their destination, with the mustachioed one nervously swallowing with dread. The smile returned to Henriette's face as she addressed the Múspell royals again. "With that being taken care of, please feel free to enjoy the festival. Let us know if you need anything." Laegjarn and Laevatein nodded in appreciation, and proceeded to head in the direction of the food stalls. "Looks like this will be another successful festival for the books, Mother," Alphonse commented. "I second that," Sharena added while looking towards a small stage a short distance away from where they were standing. "The vocal group we hired this year seems to be doing pretty well with the attendees." The group in question consisted of a quintet of dark-skinned men all wearing outfits similar to those of the Sherwood Battalion from Vignette 19. They were presently rapping a tale of an old folk hero known throughout the kingdom... Lead singer: Yo, yo, yo-- Check it out! Prince John and the sheriff, they was runnin' the show. Raising the taxes, 'cause they needed the dough! A reign of terror took over the land... They was shakin' down the people just to beat the band. I said 'hey'! (HEY!) I said 'hey'! (HEY!) I said-- All five: Hey nonny nonny, and a ho-ho-ho...! Among those watching and enjoying the performance were, unsurprisingly, Realm-X's Dorothea and Annette. "Tell me you're getting all this down, Annie..." an enraptured Dorothea said to her fellow student. "This is good, no, revolutionary stuff here!" "Trust me, I am," Annette replied as she jotted down a couple more notes on her pad. "I bet I could seriously adapt 'Creepity Creep' to this style..." Lead singer: The people were unhappy, morale was low. They had no place to turn to, there was nowhere to go! They needed a hero, but no one could be found. 'Cause Robin Hood was out of town. I said 'hey'! (HEY!) I said 'hey'! (HEY!) I said-- All five: Hey nonny nonny, and a ho-ho-ho...! Henriette chuckled a bit as she and the others watched from afar. "Let it never be said that your mother doesn't pay attention to popular trends." Meanwhile, our attention now turned to one particular couple who simply strolled the grounds, arm-in-arm, taking in the festivities. Theirs was a reunion neither had thought would ever happen, and yet, thanks to a twist of fate--and Askr--it did. The couple in question were Miledy and Galle, both from Elibe in Realm-III, both wyvern riders of Bern, the militarily-mightiest kingdom on the continent. Theirs was a rich love story that began with assumptions on Miledy's part (echoing those of her mother, a highly-decorated military strategist) that Galle, born of a scoundrel of an Etrurian nobleman and an Illian mother, was spying on Bern as he rose through the ranks of its army. Over time, relations improved between the two, to the point where love eventually blossomed. Their relationship became complicated once Bern declared war on the rest of the continent at King Zephiel's word; more so once Miledy, one of the chief retainers of Zephiel's sister, Princess Guinevere, found herself defecting (along with her childhood friend, the cleric Ellen; her own brother, a wyvern cadet named Zeiss; and Guinevere herself) to the side of the Liberation Army led by Roy of Pherae. Once that army marched towards Bern Keep, Miledy and Galle found themselves dueling in the skies above the battlefield. Theirs was a pitched dogfight, until finally, a lucky strike managed to do Galle in, sending him and his mount, Skarlen, careening towards the ground. For most, that would have been the end...though, as mentioned earlier, this was not to be, due to a twist of fate, for before Galle and Skarlen ever hit the ground, a portal leading to Askr opened up beneath them. Both rider and wyvern were rushed to the medical wing of Askr Castle, where for a good number of months, they were nursed back to health. After Miledy and other Heroes from Realm-III were summoned by Kiran, once she learned that Galle was still alive, she cried tears of joy as she was led to the room where he'd been recuperating. Eventually, Galle and his wyvern had recovered fully, and they were able to fight alongside Miledy and her mount, Trifinne, once again, the war over Elibe no longer hanging over them. In-between missions with the Order of Heroes, the two were able to patch things up and grow ever closer together. Right now, being at the Bridal Festival stirred something in Galle in particular, which led him and Miledy to pause in their stride as they looked over the festivities. "I've never seen anything so grand," Miledy stated. Galle nodded as he looked at the circlet on her forehead, something he'd given to her before they'd gone to war. "Makes me think...Miledy, you remember how I gave you my proposal in a letter?" "Yes," she answered, a bit confused by his query. "Why do you ask?" "This whole festival has made me realize...I want to pick up where we left off, before Zephiel complicated things for us," Galle replied as he, to Miledy's growing surprise, got down on one knee. "To that end, let me ask again, in a more direct manner. Miledy, right here, right now, at a festival celebrating matrimony in its many forms--will you marry me?" Onlookers gaped and gasped in awe at the sight of the marriage proposal, but Miledy barely paid them any attention, as her look of surprise became one of joy while tears began to well at her eyes. "...Yes. Yes! Yes, of course I will!" Galle stood back up, he and Miledy both surprised by the cheers and applause that surrounded them, causing the two of them to blush a bit over the spectacle of themselves they'd inadvertently made. It was then that they were approached by Henriette, her children, Kiran, and Fjorm, with Anna and her Realm-I sister (herself clad in a gown) joining them. It was taking all of Sharena and Fjorm's willpower to suppress their squeals of excitement. "We overheard everything as we were walking this way," Henriette said. "Believe it or not, it's quite rare for an actual wedding to be held in the middle of the Bridal Festival. Suffice to say, we'll have everything set up for you in no time flat." Galle and Miledy grew more surprised on hearing this. "Truly? You'd really do this for us, your highness?" Miledy asked. "Of course!" Henriette enthusiastically replied. "I happen to be something of a romantic when it comes to spontaneous nuptials. Now then..." She turned to face the two Annas. "Ladies, go find Oboro, Forrest, and Bernadetta, tell them we need them to put together a rush-job wedding gown for the bride-to-be. You know where to find the materials." Both Annas nodded affirmatively. "On it, your majesty!" Askr's Anna said with a quick salute before she and her sister then took a surprised Miledy by the arms, rushing to locate, respectively, the two Heroes from Realm-VI and the one from Realm-X. Henriette then faced Galle. "As for you, young man, let's get you fitted for a tux. Alphonse, you know what to do." "Yes, Mother," Alfonse replied as he then led Zephiel to a fitting tent. Henriette then turned to Sharena, Kiran and Fjorm. "I want you three to go around and see if you can gather any volunteers for witnesses, groomsmen, and bridesmaids." "You've got it, your highness!" Kiran said as they rushed off to do just that. An hour later, an additional area had been designated as the wedding venue, and the witnesses Kiran and Fjorm managed to round up were a good mix of Heroes who'd been wandering around the festival. As for the bride and groom's parties, unsurprisingly Guinevere acted as Miledy's maid of honor, while Heath, himself a Bern wyvern rider-turned-mercenary, stepped up to act as Galle's best man. Among those acting as witnesses were Roy himself and Lilina, the respective children of longtime friends Eliwood and Hector, themselves also in attendance. Henriette, her children, Kiran, and Fjorm stood off to the side of the altar, while Galle himself stood waiting at the altar, the tux making him look quite dashing despite his apparent discomfort with such formal wear. It was then that Henriette noticed something off about the whole setup. "Wait a moment...where's the minister?" she asked. Alfonse, Sharena, and Kiran gaped a bit before realizing that was indeed the missing piece of this puzzle. Suddenly, a panting Anna (Askr variety) ran up to the four of them, stopping a moment to catch her breath before she said anything. "Queen Henriette, we've got a slight...complication," Anna reported. "All the available priests, clerics, and the like are busy with vow renewals at the moment, even St. Elimine!" "Oh, dear," Henriette responded with a bit of concern in her voice. "There surely must be someone who could preside over the wedding..." Kiran looked around, before spotting a tent nearby that gave him an answer. "Don't worry, your majesty, I think I've found just the guy for the job..." He then held a hand to his mouth as he called towards the tent. "Hey, Rabbi!" Rabbi Tuckman (who, wouldn't you know it, we hadn't seen since Vignette 1) poked his head out of the tent's flap on hearing his name shouted out loud. "Who calls?" "It's me, Kiran the Summoner!" Kiran replied. "We've got a wedding in need of a minister, and these two want to get married in a hurry!" "Married in a hurry?" Rabbi Tuckman asked. "That's wonderful! Wait, I'm on my last customer, I'll be right out!" The Rabbi then closed the flap of the tent as he went to resume the circumcision he was in the middle of. Kiran and the others heard the sound of his mini-guillotine falling, and winced on hearing a cry of pain from the customer. "Put a little ice on it, it'll be fine," they heard Rabbi Tuckman say before the man himself emerged from his tent and made his way to the altar, where he faced Galle. "Married in a hurry...Please, invite me to the bris!" "Er, sure thing..." Galle replied, a bit confused by the terminology. It was then that the string quartet began playing, indicating that the bride was indeed coming, with Peony and Mirabilis of Ljósálfheimr 'paving the way' as flower girls ahead of her. Soon enough, Miledy herself arrived, garbed in what could be described as the most beautiful rush-job of a wedding gown ever put together, something Oboro, Forrest, and Bernadetta (for once) were quite proud of. With her own father still in Realm-III, Miledy was thankful to Bartre for stepping up to 'give her away'. Once the two arrived at the altar, Bartre handed her off to Galle before returning to his seat next to his own daughter, Fir, and her boyfriend, the Illian cavalier Noah. Galle, smiling, lifted the veil off of Miledy's face, revealing her own radiantly-smiling visage for all to see. The couple then turned to Rabbi Tuckman. "Are you two ready?" he asked. Both Galle and Miledy nodded. "Good." He then briefly addressed the crowd before he spoke. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered to witness the joining of these two in holy matrimony." Kiran briefly whispered something into the Rabbi's ear, to which he nodded. "I'm told that they've already said their vows, which means we can get right to the point--though, if anyone has any reason that these two should not be married, speak up or forever hold your peace..." It was then that all grew quite surprised when Guinevere stepped up with her hand slightly raised. "Er, pardon, but I have a request before you get there," she said. Kiran had a sneaking suspicion of what she was about to ask. "Oh, boy, don't tell me--" he quietly posed to Fjorm. "I believe so," Fjorm immediately answered, also having a good idea of what was happening, Henriette nodding in concurrence. "As Queen of Bern," Guinevere continued. "I ask that, per custom and my royal right, I give the first kiss of the wedding." Rabbi Tuckman looked to Queen Henriette, who, while a bit hesitant, gave a nod of assent. "Very well, but make it quick." "I shall," Guinevere said in turn as she took off her crown. "Please hold this, Father." "Rabbi." "My mistake." With that, many expected they'd soon see Guinevere plant one on Galle, something Miledy felt a tinge of betrayal over, given how long she and the queen had been friends. However, all eyes grew wide with greater surprise...when Guinevere, instead, took Miledy in her arms and planted a kiss on her, to the point where she briefly dipped with the bride. Roy and Lilina, in particular, gave each other a brief look. "Huh--it's good to be the queen..." Lilina quietly noted, Roy concurring with a nod. Guinevere and Miledy stood back up and disengaged, both sporting a blush, before the former cleared her throat as she addressed Rabbi Tuckman. "You may resume." "Thank you," Rabbi Tuckman replied. "Here's your hat." "Crown." "My mistake." Once Guinevere returned to her place at the altar, Rabbi Tuckman put his focus back on the couple of the hour. "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right--the good part!" He then looked at the bride. "Do you, Miledy?" Miledy, having regained her composure, gazed at Galle with a smile on her face. "I do." The Rabbi then turned to the groom. "Do you, Galle?" Galle, his eyes never leaving Miledy, grinned as he replied "I do." Rabbi Tuckman then raised his hands as he said, "Then, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride!" [Suggested music: Mendelssohn's "Wedding March".] From there, Galle and Miledy locked lips in a deep kiss as everyone cheered and applauded them. Once the two disengaged, Rabbi Tuckman presented them with a glass wine goblet, wrapped it in cloth, and laid it on the ground, gesturing the newlyweds to do their part. Confused at first, Miledy and Galle soon got the idea and then both proceeded to stomp on the covered glass with their feet, shattering it. The two then walked down the aisle, where as they passed Kiran and the Askr royals, the Summoner quickly gave them a "Mazel Tov!" as a send-off. Henriette, on the other hand, handed Galle a keyring with a number on the tag, along with a small map. "Your honeymoon cottage is all set up. Best of luck to the both of you!" Both Galle and Miledy gave the queen a bow as they thanked her, and continued on their way out from the venue. Some feet away, a small group of children who were members of the Order of Heroes heard the newlyweds coming their way, while they'd been busy with the two wyverns (who had been kept from scaring them off thanks to Realm-I's Nowi and Realm-III's Fae). "Shoot, they're almost here," Delthea of Realm-I noted. "Quick, finish those last two knots!" Ewan of Realm-IV and Rolf of Realm-V quickly did just that, as they and the other kids just as quickly stepped away from the wyverns by the time Galle and Miledy reached them. As the newlyweds mounted their wyverns, which then began to lift off the ground, Miledy turned to face the crowd that had followed them and, a challenging grin on her face, promptly tossed the bouquet into it, a lot of the ladies scrambling to catch it. Just when it seemed like Realm-II's Patty was going to be the one, it bounced off her head and wound up in the hands of Kiran. Given that he was next to Fjorm, with the two of them long having been viewed by most of their fellow Heroes as being something of an item, it was no surprise when a very luminescent blush appeared on his and the middle princess of Nifl's faces. A moment later, the two wyverns and their newlywed riders were off, the paper chains that each read "Just Married" (which were what the younger Heroes had been tying to the wyverns' tails) trailing behind them as they flew towards their destination. A short flight later, Skarlen and Triffine were resting under a shady tree as afternoon turned to evening, while Miledy and Galle were settling in at the honeymoon cottage Queen Henriette had set up for them. Galle had just finished neatly putting away his tux, thankful that the Queen had arranged for some additional changes of clothing to be sent for the both of them ahead of time, when he heard Miledy call out from behind the screen where she'd been for the past several minutes, readying herself for their wedding night. "All set, m'love?" The way in which she uttered those words swiftly got Galle's attention as he promptly stood up and faced the screen. "Am I ever," he replied, a hint of eagerness in his own voice. From there, Miledy stepped out from behind the screen, clad in a set of lacy nightwear that was a shade of red which was a total match for that of her riding armor's. The only thing that greatly contrasted with the ensemble was the silver chastity belt around her waist; per Bern military regulations, female soldiers wore these until they married, with the tradition being that they would hand their new spouse the key to the belt, which hung from a little chain around her neck. Miledy held the key up, slowly and seductively lifted it off her neck as she swayed closer to Galle, before catching him in a passionate kiss. The two broke it briefly as she dropped the key into his waiting right hand. "Are we open for business?" Galle playfully asked. Miledy's grin grew a bit wider. "Yes, we most definitely are. But please...be gentle," she replied with a wink. The two resumed their kiss as they held each other closer, Galle using one hand to fit the key into the belt's lock. However, when he turned the key, his eyes shot open on realizing something was...off. "Um, Milly?" he said as he broke the kiss. "Yesss...?" she purred. "You're not going to believe this, but..." "What is it...?" she playfully posed. "...It won't unlock." That made Miledy's eyes shoot wide open as her playful grin vanished. "WHAT?!" Galle was fiddling with the key and the lock, trying to see if he could fumble it open. "I'm serious, the key fits, but it won't budge!" He made a few more attempts before nervously looking up at his new wife. "Er, honey, would it kill the mood if I decided to..." He swallowed a bit before continuing in a smaller voice, "...send for a locksmith?" The groan that was full of equal parts dismay and anger that erupted from Miledy proved to be loud enough that it not only woke up and startled the two wyverns, but could also be heard all the way back at Castle Askr. Away from the newlyweds' unexpected trouble (and seemingly in response to it), on a hill overlooking the honeymoon cottage stood Realm-VI's Azura and her future son, Shigure, who after tuning his lyre, began to sing a certain song... Shigure: Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. Azura: When you're chewing on life's gristle, DON'T grumble, give a whistle! And this will help things turn out for the best. And.... Both: Always look on the bright side of life! [Realm-III's Nils appears by Shigure's side, playing his flute to the tune of the song's whistling portion.] Always look on the light side of life! [Azura and Shigure whistle along to Nils's flute.] Azura [tambourine in her hand]: If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten! And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing... [On cue, various dancers from the Order of Heroes, from Realm-I's Phina to Realm-XI's Seadall, appear behind Shigure and Nils, doing a choreographed routine to the rhythm of the song.] Shigure: When you're feeling in the dumps, DON'T be silly chumps, Just purse your lips and whistle--that's the thing! And... Both: Always look on the bright side of life! [Nils is joined by Realm-V's Nephenee, playing on her Fiddlestick Bow from the Paralogue 'A Splendid Soiree' .] Always look on the light side of life! [Azura, Shigure, Nephenee, and the dancers whistle along to Nils and Nephenee's playing.] The gathering of Heroes in this musical number was suddenly joined by an unexpected face, as the famous Roman stand-up philosopher Comicus popped up between Azura and Shigure, adding a bit of sage advice to the lyrics. Comicus: When you're stuck on the world stage, With some loonies half your age, And everything is starting to go wrong... It's too late to run away, so you might as well just stay... [Unfurls a scroll, and points to the likenesses of all six founding Monty Python members.] Especially when they play their silly song! And... All: Always look on the bright side of life! *Whistles* [The number is then joined by the Sherwood battalion from Vignette 19, entering from 'stage right'; and the singing monks from Vignette 14, entering from 'stage left', both groups adding their voices to the chorus.] Always look on the right side of life! *Whistles* Eir [in her Princess of Hel attire]: For life is quite absurd, And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain with a bow... [She bows as she sings this.] Ymir, Dragon of Life [appearing alongside Eir, big smile on her face]: Forget about your sin, give the audience a grin-- [Eir cheers up as she switches magically from her Princess of Hel garb to her Life Ascendant outfit.] Both: Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow! All: So, always look on the bright side of death! [Realm-X's Death Knight rides by on his horse briefly, playing the whistling part on a mandolin, followed by Hel, Ganglöt, Líf, and Thrasir, waving jazz hands.] Just before you draw your terminal breath. *Whistles* Xane of Realm-I [with a tambourine]: Life's a piece of [the cow Marianne rescued in Vignette 2 *MOOS* loudly], When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go-- All: Just remember that the last laugh is on you! So, always look on the bright side of life! *Whistles* [Realm-X's Manuela, dressed like a stereotypical opera Valkyrie, complete with winged helmet and spear, adds her pipes to the tune of the whistling.] Always look on the bright side of life! *Whistles* Always look on the bright side of life! Always look on the bright side of life!... As the song reached its crescendo and then began to fade out, Realm-I's Henry coordinated his loyal flock of crows into formation and conducted their routine in the sky. Once the birds achieved their formation, they spelled out the following two words to put a cap on this entire anthology: THE END **Author's Note(s)** Thank you for your patience, as I bring this little anthology of mine to a close. Special thanks to LoneTaker for the use of his OCs from his Three Houses story "The Dustbin", and the Miledy/Galle-centric parts (along with the hint of Klein/Thea) are my tip of the hat to KafkasCharm, author of the Elibe-based stories "An Etrurian 'Spy' In Bern" and its sequel "The Defector from Bern" (plus the side-story "Into the Ring"). For those wondering about the additional lyric in the closing song, that comes from when Eric Idle performed it at the closing ceremony of the 2012 Olympics in London. Byleth and Edelgard's dialogue pays homage to not one but two Mike Meyers signature characters from Saturday Night Live: the titular metalhead from "Wayne's World" and Linda Richman from "Coffee Talk". Panne's comment to Gaius is lifted from the 2001 episode of The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror XII".

Here I am with an idea that, for once, isn't comedic, but also is something of a crossover. It's another Three Houses/Hopes fic that sees the addition of another house into Garreg Mach's environs, though in this case, the students making up the house... ...are based on Batman and the Outsiders. Like the Ashen Wolves, they're a mix of faces from all over the continent. There is a decent amount of blending of the Bat-mythos into the story of Houses/Hopes, and the presence of a Batman-like figure does indeed upend a number of plots (and even prevents the death of Jeralt). The new house in question, called the Gray Ghost house (a nod to Simon Trent/the Gray Ghost from Batman: The Animated Series), consists of: -House leader Bryce of the Wainwright dukedom in Faerghus; like Dmitri, his parents were casualties of the Tragedy of Duscur, only they were deliberately targeted by one of the instigators for their inadvertent discovery of the plot in question. Seeking to find his parents' killer and the one who hired them, in the years leading up to his time at the Officers Academy, Bryce trained himself to peak physical perfection in body and mind, and adopted a masked persona known as the 'Bat-Man' to terrorize the bandits and criminals running throughout the land, as well as dismantling the operations of a mysterious group of dark-robed mages. Based on Bruce Wayne/Batman. Class progression: noble--myrmidon--lord--hero -Alfredo, heir of a dissolved minor duchy within the Adrestrian Empire, and longtime friend and aide to Bryce, acting in such a role akin to Hubert or Dedue. Serves as voice of reason among the Gray Ghosts, and is something of a neat-freak. Has a bit of a history with Constance of the Ashen Wolves, and is good friends with Ashe and Marianne. Based on Alfred Pennyworth. Class progression: noble (minor house)--monk--priest--bishop -Brion, heir to the Markova territory within Faerghus. Attends the Academy in the hopes of bettering his political and tactical skills so he can better protect his brother, Gregorio, from the ambitions of their treacherous uncle, an Empire-aligned noble by the name of Fyodor (based on Baron Bedlam). Also seeks to find his missing younger sister, Tara (who, like Edelgard, Emile, and Lysithea, was abducted by 'Those Who Slither in the Dark' and experimented on). Based on Brion Markov/Geo-Force. Class progression: noble (minor house)--fighter--armored knight--fortress knight -Geoff, son of a Leicester merchant family, with aspirations of becoming a great teacher. Possesses a strong sense of truth and justice. Based on Jefferson Pierce/Black Lightning. Class progression: commoner--soldier--cavalier--paladin--dark knight -Tatsu, daughter of the head of a minor duchy in Dagda whose family relocated near Fraldarius territory in Faerghus, and a sword-fighting prodigy who trained with Felix, and dreams of besting Catherine in combat. Second cousin to Shamir. Based on Tatsu Yamashiro/Katana. Class progression: noble (minor house)--myrmidon--mercenary--swordmaster--mortal savant -Gabrielle, adopted by a prominent teacher at he Fhirdiad Royal School of Sorcery, and as such studied in the same class as Annette and Mercedes. Has very little memory of her life before her adoption. Based on 'Gabrielle Doe'/Halo. Class progression: commoner--monk--priest--bishop -Lia, daughter of a minor Leicester noble family who combines both beauty and brains, and tries especially hard to downplay the former. Based on Emily Briggs/Looker. Class progression: noble (minor house)--monk--mage--warlock--gremory -Jean-Paul, scion of a minor Adrestian noble house who, while appearing bookish for someone of his size, turns into an absolute beast on the battlefield. Lia is the only one who can manage to calm him down. Following the time-skip, Bryce gives Jean-Paul his own suit of armor that allows him to go toe-to-toe with the Death Knight; in this guise, Jean-Paul is known by the moniker of the 'Avenging Angel'. Based on Jean-Paul Valley/Azrael. Class progression: noble (minor house)--fighter--brigand--warrior--war master Additionally, the Gray Ghosts have their own answer to Cyril in Ricardo (based on Dick Grayson/Robin), an orphan who Bryce took in with the help of his cousin, noblewoman Katrina (based on Kate Kane/Batwoman), and works as a page at Garreg Mach while Bryce and Alfredo are there. Following the timeskip, Ricardo becomes the squire to the 'Bat-Man' under the Robin guise. All the students in the Gray Ghosts are aware of Bryce's nocturnal activities, and as such cover for him; he has promised them, in turn, with assistance in gaining justice for their own respective mysteries or tragedies. Some familiar characters in Three Houses/Hopes serve some additional roles in this take as well: -Gilbert/Gustave is their analogue to Commissioner Jim Gordon, with Annette, accidentally stumbling onto Bryce and co.'s secrets, becoming their equivalent of Barbara Gordon (and, following the time-skip, secretly a Valkyrie version of Oracle). -Dmitri, given the dual sides we see to him in Three Houses, draws some parallels to Harvey Dent/Two-Face. -Claude, in this take, would be something of a trickster pastiche of Green Arrow, though without donning a costume himself. -Those Who Slither in the Dark fill the niches of both the League of Assassins (with Thales the stand-in for Ra's Al Ghul) and the Court of Owls. -Edelgard, in a sense, is the story's equivalent of Lex Luthor, given their slightly-similar personalities and drive to humble the powerful, even by acquiring more power themselves. As the Flame Emperor, she squares off with the Bat-Man on a small number of occasions. The story comes to a head when Rhea takes Byleth and their class (in this case, the Blue Lions) to the Holy Tomb to receive a revelation; when the Flame Emperor confronts them with Metodey and their soldiers, before a single weapon is raised, Bryce/Bat-Man knocks Metodey's sword out of his hands with a batarang and leaps down in-between both sides, where he then methodically and immediately exposes Edelgard as the Flame Emperor. Bolstered by the hidden Gray Ghost students, Byleth, Rhea, and co. actually manage to apprehend Edelgard before Hubert can warp her away. Bryce/Bat-Man convinces Edelgard to come clean about the reasoning behind her actions, having brought in Hubert to corroborate her story. Edelgard, realizing she'd gone about everything the wrong way, spills the beans about the Agarthans, their plans for Fodlan, and their masterminding of the Tragedy of Duscur. Unfortunately, 'Slither' has managed to completely take control of the Empire, causing Edelgard and Hubert to seek asylum in Faerghus. Following the time-skip, it's now all five houses and the Church vs. the Agarthan-controlled Adrestrian forces for the fate of Fodlan. In both the Academy and War phases of the story, additional villains do appear based on some prominent Bat-rogues. The Agarthans have a strategist who's essentially the Riddler as a Trickster, a specialist in ice spells based on Mr. Freeze, and a magic user with expertise in fire spells based on Firefly. An Agarthan experimental subject is essentially a brawler version of Bane. Two demonic beasts that were also experimental subjects that they unleash are based on Killer Croc and Man-Bat. Outside the Agarthans, in addition to Pallardo, there is a Fodlan version of Oswald Cobblepot/the Penguin and a ruthless mercenary troop leader based on Black Mask/Roman Sionis. And of course, the most notorious of the foes faced by the Gray Ghosts and their fellow Garreg Mach alum is an insane prisoner the Agarthans only bring out for the truly dirty jobs: an individual in the assassin class known simply as 'the Laughing Man'. (Kronya, who survives in this take, is in a sense his Harley Quinn.)

Vignette 24 - The Four Purple Yentas *Disclaimer: The following features an attempt at writing characters speaking as if they'd come from New York's lower east side, and a possible butchering of such.* *Above illustration by arktoons.* There are times when the Heroes comprising Askr's Order of Heroes need downtime, and in the kingdom of Askr, there is one specific place set up to give them exactly that. Known as the Aether Resort, this is an area north of Castle Askr that provides a number of amenities that enable those who visit to enjoy a non-tropical vacation and rejuvenate themselves after many days of fighting. Among said amenities, there was a high-quality armory and accessory shop for, who else, the avid shoppers; a concert hall for the musically-inclined; fields for farming and growing one's own crops and livestock, which could then be prepared as delicious ingredients in the adjoining dining hall and kitchen; an inn for those simply wanting to rest their weary heads; and, as the main focus of today's story, the hot spring, another avenue for Heroes to get their rest and relaxation. Did I forget to mention that this whole resort is located on an island that floats in the sky? Well, not really important to the story, just a small mention...What is important, however, are the four Heroes currently occuppying one of the pools of the hot spring--the beauteous mage Sonya of Realm-I's present, from the continent of Valentia; Realm-VI's Camilla, the (putting it lightly) overly-affectionate eldest princess of the Kingdom of Nohr; Realm-X's Bernadetta, a reclusive and timid (to say the least) student from the Black Eagle House of the Officers Academy of Garreg Mach Monastery, as well as daughter of the count of Varley territory in the Adrestrian Empire; and a recent newcomer to Askr in Realm-XI's Ivy, the eldest princess of the Kingdom of Elusia. Other than being purple-haired young women, the quartet had little in common with one another, but found themselves engaged in substantial, fascinating conversation, as a server poured tea into the cup Ivy held. Ivy [after taking a sip]: "*Contented sigh* This tea is divine, freakin' divine!" Bernadetta: "Gives the stuff at my school a run for its money, and everyone I know lives on that stuff!" Sonya: "You're tellin' me, the stuff I brew at home's like freakin' toilet water compared ta this." Camilla: "And ta think, who'da believed just a year ago, we'd be sittin' in a jacuzzi, drinkin' tea that might as well be manna from heaven?" Ivy [eyeing her fingernails briefly]: "Not me, sistah, that's fer sure--back then, I woulda been happy just with the tea considered 'passable' in my neck of the woods." Bernadetta: "I'da taken 'passable' over 'too much ta choose from it'll make ya dizzy'." Camilla [nodding]: "'Passable', without any of the chazerei." [The others look at her, slightly perplexed.] "Y'know, cream, sugar..." Sonya/Bernadetta/Ivy: "Ah." Sonya: "Just hot water fer me." Ivy: "Wouldn't have needed a fancy cup for it, anyway--I know I'm a princess, but still, just a plain ol' teacup so stark white you can see it in the dark woulda been fine enough." Camilla: "Sounds like you had decent lighting at yer place." Ivy [shrugging her shoulders a bit]: "Good enough ta see where I was going." Camilla: "Woulda liked lighting like that in mine--for a frickin' palace, it was so dim, half the time you could barely make out which room you were tryin' to get into. Gets worse with three siblings all wantin' to use the bathroom at the same time. (Every. Single. Morning...)" Bernadetta: "Wish I had a problem like that--closest I've got is waitin' out the line of all the gals of all three houses to use the same bathroom, and even then they're half as friendly." Sonya: "Would've killed to have a problem like that, if only ta feel a bit normal. Though admittedly, it was a pretty sweet deal, not havin' sistahs who hogged the bathroom in the morning. Then again, the three of us bein' left at a church doorstep helped, until it didn't--it's what I get fer havin' a father who was grand poobah of the whole state religion..." Ivy: "Did he answer to a big scary dragon?" [Sonya nodded.] "Same deal with my old man--any time 'big boss' Sombron called, he was there the next minute. Swear he was married to his job more than my poor mother, Divine One rest her soul. Twenty years workin' fer the big lizard, and what's he get? Eaten alive and turned into a meat puppet, all just fer askin' fer a raise." Camilla: "Lucky you--at least yer father was just a toady. Mine? Totally paranoid, irresponsible, power-hungry putz who always had shpilkes in his 'third eye'. Spite of that, it got me my brothers and sister--just coulda done without our respective mothers tryin' ta play us against one another. I could go on, but plot twist, can't even blame the guy, considerin' he's been dead since my little sister's birth, and that it was just loony old Anankos in human drag the whole time." Bernadetta [enviously eyeing Camilla]: "Ya wanna talk 'lucky'? If anythin', YOU'RE the lucky one--least you have the excuse of your 'dear ol' dad' bein' possessed by some dragon or demon or demon dragon or whatever. Me? My old man, the only thing he wuz possessed by wuz a classist, 'ambitious', cruel-as-all-hell personality. Long story short, complete an' utter mamzer. Spent my whole childhood tryin' ta mold me into th' 'perfect wife', mainly tyin' me to a chair and forcin' me ta be quiet an' obedient all-the-frickin'-time. It got so bad that every time he got ready for another 'session', I'd throw a colossal temper tantrum just to avoid 'em! Even made it a point to keep toppin' myself whenever he wanted to start one!" Sonya: "Least he was just 'teachin'' youse ta be a lady--woulda taken that over my old man and that yes-bitch of his, Nuibaba, tryin' ta turn me into a witch like he did my two sistahs. Trust me, the results weren't pretty--Marla? Used to be th' stern but kind sister. Hestia? The smart n' mature free spirit. Once 'Daddy dearest' and th' wicked stepmother got their claws in them? Nothin' but pale drones out ta do the biddin' of ol' Duma." Ivy [rubbing her temples a bit]: "*Sigh* Would've liked it if my sistah was more like yours--pre-Duma, that is. ('Scuse my kvetchin' fer a moment.) Don't get me wrong, I love Hortensia, but she can be just so bratty. And she hung onto our father's every word, even when the things he had us do would make our stomachs turn. Before I wound up here, he had us flyin' all over the place, huntin' fer Emblem rings, and takin' out the opposition at every turn. We had a team of top-ranked goons, called themselves the 'Four Hounds', but honestly speakin'? Felt like me and Hortensia were the huntin' dogs more than they were--every day, it was get up in the mornin', scarf down breakfast while somehow still doin' it inna 'refined manner', shower up, get dressed, gather our retainers, get on our mounts, and then fly ta the next kingdom ta claim their ring." Bernadetta [now eying Ivy enviously]: "...Luxury. Least you could talk with your retainers--under 'Papa Tightwad's' thumb, I could barely talk to anyone besides the house staff. I just wanted some peace, a social life, but noooo--'Can't mingle with the common folk, Bernie! They're too below your station, Bernie!' FEH! Y'know that purplehead pretty-boy from my neck of th' woods, Yuri? First friend I actually went out of my way to make, and what does 'proud papa' do when he finds out? Has his goons beat the crap outta him! (Talk about chutzpah...) An' all this, ALL THIS, so he can marry me off ta some lucky macher bigger than he is. Used ta present me to suitors like I was some prime cut, fresh from the deli counter--some of them old enough ta be my grandfather!" Sonya [a bit nonplussed]: "...Paradise. Only reason I was able to escape my 'bewitchin'' was my sistahs, rest their souls, helped me skedaddle before Daddy came a-callin'. Figgered I'd bide my time until I could get back at the old man. Wound up workin' fer a slave-tradin' crook who, despite the fact he operated on land, insisted on calling himself a pirate. Real cruel shmuck, not gonna lie--hated every minute of every day I answered ta him. Only reason he had me around was ta keep an eye on Deen, the other big hired gun he had--you've seen him, dark purple hair, lost his left eye, he wuz at the big Hatari festival they had a few months back?--and the only reason he had Deen around wuz ta do the same fer me. And ta top it all off, he had us both workin' in the desert, of all places--half my paycheck always went towards gallons of moisturizer just so I wouldn't shrivel up out there." Camilla: "...Right...My father, or the nutjob wearin' his skin, used ta have me and my siblings do the fightin' whenever he had some broigus with the neighbors. Told us it was becuase they had better weather and gardens than we did, but that was just utter bubkes. He actually made our adoptive brother Corrin--you know him, the guy with the sword that looks like a corn cob?--live in the guest house until he was 'man enough' ta serve him, and even then he gave him all sorts'a dirty jobs. As if that weren't bad enough, when our step-sister wound up in Hoshido, the guy wouldn't trade ta get her back! And when Corrin refused any more dirty work, 'Daddy' didn't bat an eye, since he had enough mooks with no scruples who'd do it without blinkin'. Add in how he treated my mother--rest her soul, in spite of how she treated me--an' it's no wonder my upbringin' was as screwed up as it was, lookin' back." Ivy [having taken another sip of tea]: "I'll say this, try tellin' any one of our sob stories to the other royals in the Order--would any of 'em believe us at first?" All four [giving slight eyerolls and shakes of their heads]: "Nooooo...." Sonya [examining her hand]: "Oh boy--think it's time we called it a day, girls. Any longer in here, and I'll start lookin' like Niime." [A small object, revealed to be a soap bottle, suddenly falls onto Sonya's head.] "Ow!" Niime [from another pool on the other side of the fence]: "I heard that!" Grumbling, but opting not to dignify that with a response, Sonya, along with the other three, stood up and out of the water, grabbed their towels and wrapped them around themselves, and then made their way back to the changing room to dry off. Along the way, they passed by another pool occupied by another quartet, all redheads, made up of Realm-I's Minerva, princess of Macedon; Realm-III's Miledy, a soldier of Bern and another wyvern rider; Realm-V's Titania, serene second-in-command of the Greil Mercenaries; and Realm-VI's Hinoka, the pegasus-riding eldest princess of Hoshido, all of whom engaged in their own spirited conversation. Strangely, they all appeared to sport Irish accents as they conversed... **Author's Note(s)** What do you get when you cross the classic pre-Python skit "The Four Yorkshiremen" with Mike Meyers' "Coffee Talk" sketches from Saturday Night Live? Well, the above, or my best attempt at it. While writing, I tried to picture how each of the four would sound, which led to, more or less: Sonya - a young Fran Drescher Camilla - a young Joan Rivers Bernadetta - Arleen Sorkin's (RIP) Harley Quinn as a paranoid mope Ivy - Rachel Brosnahan as the titular Mrs. Maisel

This is going to sound crazy, but after a few tries, I managed to finally beat abyssal...using the new Halloween units, no additional seals or skills included.

Vignette 23C - Mercie the Vampire Slayer, Part 3 of 3 Once everyone had been properly armed and equipped, the doors to the cathedral opened, and the larger of the two groups stepped out and made their way towards the heart of the monastery grounds. The smaller group, made up of Shez, Shayla, Balthus, Hapi, Flayn, Cyril, Alois, and Gilbert, had gone their own separate way through another exit to get to Abyss. As the assemblage got closer, Hilda finally noticed something that made her adopt a curious and confused expression. "Oh-kaaayyy...what's with the outfit, Claude?" she asked. "Especially the sunglasses at night." Claude, for some reason, had traded in his Golden Deer uniform for a more subdued ensemble, capped off by a black long coat and the pair of sleek and stylish sunglasses on his face. "Dunno, really," the Riegan heir replied in a vaguely Snipes-ish fashion. "For an occasion like this, it felt strangely...right." Hilda, dumbfounded by this response, shrugged with a resigned sigh. Felix's eyes darted back-and-forth in a sweep of the monastery grounds. "It's quiet..." he uttered, before Annette ribbed him. "*Oof!*" "Shhh!" the redheaded axe-wielding mage shushed him, a warning look in her eyes. "DON'T finish that cliché!" Felix, a bit taken aback by her uncharacteristic gesture and genre-savviness, nodded. Eventually, the group reached the center of the grounds, and it was then that Mercedes, eyes shifting to her left, quietly but swiftly drew two arrows from her quiver, and in one beautifully fast motion, pulled her bowstring back and then released them in the direction of an alcove near the upper floor where the sauna was. "*URGHK!*" On hearing that, the party looked to where Mercedes had shot her arrows, and watched as two bodies fell over the side of the wall, landing several feet away from them. Shamir, Dmitri, Byron, and Seteth ran towards the spot to look them over, and soon enough noted, with wide eyes, that Mercedes' shots had gone straight into the hearts of both corpses...as well as the faces of both being quite pale, and possessing fangs on their upper and lower jaws. The four looked to the others, especially Mercedes, who was looking at their present surroundings warily. "They're here..." she stated ominously. It was then that the sound of someone clapping slowly was soon heard. All eyes soon turned to the roof of the building where the classrooms were. Against the backdrop of the bright moon, a lone figure slouched, and as she stood up and moved closer to the torchlit section of the wall the party was facing, said figure revealed herself to be the one Mercedes had rallied everyone together against: Monica. "Bravo, Mercie, bravo," she said with a teasing voice and an impish grin. "Excellent shots--but then again, nothing less from von Helsing's granddaughter. Tell me--can you dodge as well as you shoot?" As those words left her lips, those among the group with the most finely-tuned sense of hearing could swear they heard something flying through the air. It was then that Claude suddenly gripped an arrow aimed right at Mercedes while it was in mid-flight, to the shock and awe of most of those around him. "Heard that coming a mile away," he said coolly. Monica's grin became a fanged smirk. "Well then--can you hear...this?" Confused at first by what she inferred, the party soon could make out the sounds of wings flapping. Many wings flapping. Before their eyes, a large shape soon began to almost cover the moon. Those with the sharpest eyes in the group soon realized that this wasn't just one large shape, but a lot of smaller ones that appeared to be flying in formation. "All wings, prepare to dive!" Monica commanded loud and clear. She then turned to another section of the roof. "Orchestra--set the scene!" At her command, the multi-piece orchestra began playing rather fitting music to accompany the beginning of the battle. [Suggested music: "Ride of the Valkyries", Richard Wagner.] Monica turned her focus back to the mass of small flying shapes. "All wings--commence saturation bombing!" The flying shapes soon turned downward and dove towards the group. Petra and Shamir, thanks to their great eyesight, were able to make out what the shapes were, as did Ashe and Bernadetta due to their archery training. What they saw made their jaws drop slightly. "What is it? What are they?" Byleth asked. "They're...bats," Ashe answered. "L-l-l-lots and lots of them!" a quivering Bernadetta fearfully added. "They also appear to be..." Petra started to say. "...Constipated?" Shamir finished, in a rare moment for her of being baffled. "Constipated?" Marianne softly and confusedly repeated. It was then that her expertise on animals kicked in and her eyes widened considerably. "EVERYBODY TAKE COVER, NOW!" "What? Why?" Caspar asked. "GUANO INCOMING!" Marianne loudly answered as she grabbed a surprised Hilda and ducked behind some stacked crates. Once the sound of multiple *splats* were heard, the others soon followed her lead and jumped for cover behind anything they could find, be it the large shields held by those of the fortress knight class, barrels, bushes, or picnic tables they turned on their sides. Monica chuckled to herself as she watched the scene unfold before her, while her minions that weren't in bat form gathered about her. "Ah, the children of the night," she said amusedly. "What a mess they make." Down below, the archers and long-range spellcasters of the group tried to take out the squadron of bats as their friends covered them (only managing to get very few lucky shots in the process), while also avoiding the rather foul projectiles the flying furry creatures sent their way. "Dis-gusting!" Constance grimaced while attempting to use her parasol as a shield. "Who fights their battles in such a literal dirty manner?!" "Mercie did warn us they were playing for keeps--!" Dorothea reminded her. Her train of thought was interrupted when she and Constance both felt a little something land on their hair, the sound of a *splat* just within hearing distance. Both girls looked at their respective locks, and on seeing the offending stains, felt their left eyes twitch. Their fellow students, seeing their reactions, slowly backed away. "Uh-oh..." Ingrid said forebodingly. "You said it," Yuri concurred. Things were quiet for a few brief moments, until Constance finally broke the silence. "...My hair," she said with an even tone with an underlying hint of shock. "...They made. A mess. In my hair," Dorothea said in much the same way. Both girls, now with furious looks on their faces, their hands glowing with fire spells, suddenly stood up, glaring at the flock of winged rodents that was getting ready for another pass-around. Both then shouted the same thing simultaneously: "YOU LITTLE BAT-STARDS!!!" The two magic users soon launched a volley of fireballs at a (fittingly) rapid-fire pace, the sounds anachronistically akin to those of a World War II anti-aircraft gun. Both girls ruthlessly hit their targets dead-on, as the enormous flock of bats was subsequently turned to ashes, the vampires utterly unprepared for the consequences of giving two of the beauties of Garreg Mach's student body a bad hair day. Once the two girls stopped, panting as they did, they brought their arms down, their hands smoking from the inferno they'd unleashed on the bats. Their friends and teachers slowly stood up, totally astonished by what they'd just witnessed, the ashes falling like snow in front of them. "HO-LY $#!+..." Raphael uttered. "Took the words right out of my mouth, kid," Catherine said. Up on the roof, Monica and her minions were just as astonished. "Huh--did not see that coming," she said, before giving the word to her minions. "Take them." Said minions hissed and leaped down from the roof, fangs bared as they made their way toward the group. Said group soon noticed their undead opponents coming towards them, and readied themselves to meet them head on. "Remember, aim for their hearts or lop off their heads," Mercedes emphasized. "Contrary to the teachings of the Goddess, show them no mercy--they haven't been human for a long time." A sweat drop then appeared by her head. "Also, be sure to watch your step--I don't think any of us wants to slip on bat guano anytime soon." With that, the battle was soon joined as living clashed with undead in the heart of Garreg Mach. It was unlike any battle seen in the monastery's history as the students and faculty fought ferociously against the horde of vampires that threatened to take them on all sides. (At one point, the archers managed to take out the orchestra on the roof.) Byron and Byleth especially were each able to freely go to town with the Sword of the Creator in its 'whip mode', as they passed it between them like a baton, completely in-synch with one another. This did not go unnoticed by one Church soldier who quickly rushed to the monastery's carrier pigeon coop with a few papers in-hand. He then immediately got to work writing a letter to go with said papers, which read: Dear Trevor, You know that new whip-based fighting style you're looking for? Well, take a look at the included artist's renderings! Your cousin, Marvin Belmont Back with the Eisner twins, the two of them continued to trade the Sword of the Creator back-and-forth while Sothis acted as their second set of eyes. "Crack that whip!" she shouted. Byron quickly did just that, a loud *CRACK* sounding off as the sharp tip on the end got one vampire right between the eyes. "Give that vamp the slip!" Sothis shouted next. Byleth proceeded to trip another vampire, causing them to fall flat on their face. "Step on his crack!" Sothis shouted after that. At this, Byleth stomped on the fallen vampire's rear end, in particular grinding her heel slowly as she did, which in turn did not bode well for the part of their anatomy that was on the other side, as the vampire went bug-eyed with an almost indescribable amount of pain. "WAY-BINNNNN!!!" said vampire cried out. "Break that monster's back!" Sothis followed up with. Byron tossed the Sword of the Creator to his sister as he grabbed the vampire about to jump him and rammed his spine over his knee; on dropping him to the ground, Byron proceeded to send his spare sword right through the bloodsucker's heart. "Now whip 'em--!" Sothis shouted. Byleth snapped the whip-sword towards another vampire and got them right on their backside, causing them to jump up in pain. "--Whip 'em good!" Byleth snapped the whip-sword again and this time sent the tip right through the vampire's heart, before retracting the sword. Over with Dmitri, he was presently engaged with his own vampiric opponents alongside Dedue, Marianne, Ashe, Linhardt, and Hanneman. "Dmitri! Behind you!" Marianne shouted. Dmitri barely had time to look over his shoulder as a vampire managed to bite into the area where his collar met his left shoulder. Things went still for a moment, until the vampire let go and recoiled in pain, gaping as his fangs crumbled. He then noticed that where he'd torn some of Dmitri's jacket off part of an additional garment showed underneath. The logo resembled two of the letter 'U' merged together, with one upside down; the label beneath it said 'Ye Olde Under Armour'. The vampire's shock further increased when Dmitri stabbed the head of his lance right through his heart; he did a brief double-take from the prince of Faerghus to the now-gaping hole in his chest and back. "Bites, doesn't it?" Dmitri quipped before removing the lance from the vampire, who promptly fell over. (Thankfully, Linhardt had been looking the other way at the time, and Ashe made sure he didn't turn around.) In another corner of the main square, Hilda lopped off the head of another bloodsucker, and was about to be set upon by yet another before a powerful wind spell blew him face-first into a wall. It was then that Hilda was joined by the source of that spell when Annette came up beside her. "Thanks," Hilda said. "No problem," Annette replied. "By-the-by..." Hilda began to ask as they stood back-to-back, "...do you know 'praying mantis'?" Annette smirked at this. "You're looking at her." The two girls, uttering a brief battle cry, soon assumed the same hinted-at martial arts stance and, with great swiftness, proceeded to wail on the vampires surrounding them with a series of chops, punches, and kicks that wouldn't have been out of place in a low-budget 1970s Hong Kong kung-fu film. "HEY! Save some for me!" Caspar called out from a short distance. "Raph, need a lift!" Raphael nodded and, in one quick motion, the smaller Black Eagle student leaped onto the larger Golden Deer student's open palm, curled into a ball as much as possible; from there, Raphael threw Caspar into the group of vampires, where the Bergliez brawler immediately got two from behind thanks to his outstretched gauntlets (equipped with wooden stakes as the spikes), before joining in Hilda and Annette's melee. "Like the way you think, short-stuff!" Catherine complimented him as she slammed the two vampires she was facing head-first into one another; while they were dazed, she quickly pierced their hearts with her own stake-gauntlets. Over in another part of the main square, Rhea and Seteth proved to be holding their own greatly alongside some of the other students. "Do you think the Abyss team is faring well?" Seteth posed as he thrust his lance into the undead minion in front of him. "I'm praying they are," Rhea replied as she punched her own foe square in the face before sending her blade into his heart. "The fact we're lasting this long is proof the Goddess is watching over us." Somewhere in the section of the main square the Eisner twins were fighting in, in their shared headspace, Sothis sneezed. Abyss, around the same time... "Keep going, you're almost there!" Shayla shouted while she sent her blades into the hearts of the two bloodsuckers she faced. She, Shez, Balthus, Alois, and Gilbert were acting as a wall, with Hapi providing long-range magical support, while Cyril and Flayn went to work on the boxes of cursed soil that had been placed in the center of Abyss. As instructed by Mercedes, they were burying a holy wafer in each bed of earth, rendering it cleansed and utterly useless to the vampires. When Flayn had buried the first one, the sight of the soil glowing briefly, followed by a sudden *Snap!*, *Crackle!*, and *Pop!* had convinced her and Cyril that it worked. The two worked quickly to dig a hole, drop a wafer, and then cover it, and it was proving to pay off, as their protectors soon found that, even with their superior numbers, their opponents getting slower and less coordinated with each box purified. Finally, after what seemed like an hour of planting wafer upon wafer, Flayn and Cyril reached the remaining box. Just as they were about to dig a hole for the wafer, they found that it wasn't entirely unguarded, if the vampire that jumped in front of them menacingly was any indicator. Hapi, noticing their predicament, did the one thing she knew would save them, and sighed. It was then that just as the vampire was about to go for Cyril's throat, he was suddenly devoured by a giant crawler that appeared from the ground beneath him. Thankfully, Hapi had surmised that aside from stakes, pure water, sunlight, garlic, and goddess icons, a vampire was more than likely extremely vulnerable to the powerful stomach acids of a giant crawler's digestive system. Their goal now clear, Cyril quickly dug a hole in the boxed soil and Flayn dropped a wafer into it, which Cyril then quickly covered back up. Once the soil glowed and made that trio of indicative sounds, the two of them sighed with relief. "This basement is clean!" Flayn cheered in a manner akin to a Southern Baptist preacher having performed a successful exorcism. On hearing that, the others (save for Gilbert) grinned knowingly at the remaining vampires, some of whom swallowed and tugged at their collars uneasily. In the shared headspace between Shez and Shayla, even Arval got in on the mood. "See ya," they playfully let out with a teasing wave, even though only their hosts could hear it. Garreg Mach, topside... Petra momentarily found herself dumbfounded when the vampire leaping towards her suddenly lost a lot of its momentum and fell to the ground at her feet. Not wasting the opportunity, she plunged her sword into his heart, and then noticed that the other vampires were exhibiting similar signs. It was as if something had taken the bite out of them. (No pun intended...?) Mercedes was quick to immediately pick up on this, and knew it could only mean one thing. "The Abyss team did it!" she loudly informed the others. "Go hog wild on these bloodsuckers!" [Suggested music: "Livin' in the Sunlight, Lovin' in the Moonlight", Tiny Tim version, God Bless Tiny Tim (1968).] Taking heed of her suggestion, the others did just that and soon found themselves overpowering the now-reduced vampires in spite of their numbers. For the best examples, Sylvain and Ingrid's lances tore through their contingent as if they were engaged in an elaborate dance; Manuela, Marianne, and Lysithea found holy magic to be quite overkill when it came to eliminating their foes; and Felix, Dmitri, Edelgard, Claude, and the Eisner twins utterly decimated their opponents with controlled yet swift ferocity. From her observation spot, Monica realized quickly that this was turning out to be a losing battle. "*Sigh* All right, this is telling me I'm better off with a strategic withdrawal and recovery..." She shrugged before getting up on her feet. "Fun while it lasted..." she said as she leaped off the roof ledge and started fleeing. Back on the ground, the students and staff were dealing with any stragglers remaining, until there was just one vampire minion left. Said minion, (un)fortunately one of the dumb ones, found himself against a wall. "You haven't seen the last of us!" he shouted defiantly while shaking his fists. Claude, unamused, removed a 'magazine' of six arrows, knocked them onto his bowstring (the action making an anachronistic cocking sound), and let them fly. The vampire soon found himself pinned by his cuffs and the sides of his shirt to the wall, a look of dread now on his fanged, pale face. "Uh, heh--you've seen the last of us," he said sheepishly, fervently nodding his head. Claude, holding another arrow he'd taken from his quiver, shook his head. "Some mothersuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill..." he said, before tossing the arrow into the air, and then hitting it with a super-fast spinning kick that sent the arrow dead-on into the pinned vampire's heart. Said vampire, shocked by this, then slumped over, now freshly dead. Claude dusted his hands off as Hilda passed by him. "Showoff..." she muttered. It was then that Mercedes noticed something. "Hold on, where's Monica?" "Saw her bound off the roof a few minutes ago," Petra answered her. "She went that way," Shamir added, pointing in the direction indicated. "If I remember right, that's where the old cemetery behind the ruined chapel is." "She must have a backup resting place," Mercedes quietly surmised. "Edelgard, Hubert, Ferdinand, with me!" she said as she ran towards the location. The three Black Eagle students, confused at first, proceeded to follow after her before anyone could object. Moments later, the quartet found themselves a third of the way into the cemetery, which was covered by a slight fog. After gauging their surroundings, Mercedes held her left hand up, motioning to halt. "Ferdinand, stand right here for a moment, if you would?". The Von Aegir heir nodded a bit hesitantly, before Mercedes motioned for herself, Edelgard, and Hubert to get behind a nearby tree while they observed their fellow student. "What exactly are we doing behind this?" Hubert quietly questioned. "Luring Monica out," Mercedes answered. "I spoke with one of her former classmates a while back. Turns out she has a bit of a type." "And that is?" Edelgard asked, she and Hubert both arching skeptical, yet curious eyebrows. "Handsome, self-assured, overly-confident himbos." Both Black Eagle students sweat-dropped on hearing this, doing a double take towards the standing-vigil Ferdinand and back. "...Can't believe I'm saying this," Edelgard said quietly, "but with Ferdinand, that makes considerable sense." Unassuming of the conversation taking place behind him, Ferdinand warily eyed his surroundings, until he heard a voice in the distance. "Ferdinand...Ferdinand..." the voice called out, full of temptation. Hearing it startled the Von Aegir heir for a moment, as he recognized said voice. "Monica...?" The undead girl in question appeared out of the fog, smiling seductively. "Come away with me, Ferdinand," she said persuasively as she got closer to him, causing him to tighten the grip on his lance. "We could make for a fine pairing, don't you think...?" "Er, ah," Ferdinand started to say, doing his best to maintain his composure. "Monica, I...I quite like where I am at this time. I'm enjoying my time at the academy...and you're dead." "Oh, but I'm not dead..." Monica replied with a honeyed voice, her left hand on his chest while she ran one of her right fingers along his cheek. "...I'm undead." "Yes, well, I'm not un-satisfied with my life, thank you," Ferdinand said, a hint of nervousness in his voice. "Ferdinand, don't be a bore..." Monica urged. "Just one kiss? Let me show you some deep, raw passion...the kind associated with torrid, unbound--" It didn't take long for Ferdinand (and by extension, those behind the tree) to realize just what Monica was getting at. "B-But, Monica--I'm of nobility!" he pointed out. Monica's smile widened a bit. "So are these," she hinted as as she undid the top two buttons of her blouse. Ferdinand's eyes widened on seeing this. "Oh--!" It took all of his willpower to not look down from her eyes. Thankfully, he was spared further effort when a goddess icon was soon held in front of her face by Mercedes, who along with Edelgard and Hubert, had sprung into action from behind the tree. "Back, you hemoglobin-hungry hussy, back I say!" Mercedes commanded. -X- "'Hemoglobin-hungry hussy'?" Maribelle repeated flatly, one eyebrow arched. "Sheesh, talk about corny!" Soleil said with a chuckle. "Eh, I was in the moment at the time," Mercedes replied with a shrug. "It could've been worse--Alois could've been the one to say it." -X- Monica recoiled with an animalistic hiss and soon fled into the abandoned crypt a few yards ahead of her. "Let's get after her!" Mercedes urged. "This is our best chance to destroy her!" "She's right," Hubert added as he looked towards the horizon in the opposite direction. "If my guess is correct, morning is approaching, and Monica knows it." The door to the old crypt opened at Hubert and Ferdinand's hands, and they, with Edelgard and Mercedes ahead of them, entered. Soon, they came upon their target, finding Monica resting in a coffin, conveniently filled with a small layer of cursed soil. "All right, now what?" Edelgard asked. "Now, for the sake of her eternal soul," Mercedes began to answer as she looked at the Adrestrian princess, "you must drive this wooden stake through her heart." She proceeded to hand Edelgard the stake and a hammer. Edelgard stared incredulously at Mercedes on hearing this. "Hold on, why does it have to be me?" "The vampire must be destroyed by one who loved them in life," Mercedes explained plainly. "But I never really hung out with Monica!" Edelgard pointed out as she handed the implements back to Mercedes. "We were acquaintances at best!" "Close enough!" Mercedes replied as she shoved the hammer and stake back into Edelgard's hands. "...*Sigh* Very well..." Edelgard muttered resignedly as she removed her jacket and cape, handing them to Hubert, who instantly produced a coat hanger from out of nowhere and proceeded to hang both garments neatly on it. Edelgard then positioned the point of the stake over Monica's heart and raised the hammer. Just when she was about to strike... "Hold a moment!" Mercedes called out, to Edelgard's surprise. She motioned for Hubert and Ferdinand to get behind a pillar, while she did the same at another. "Okay, now!" Edelgard then swiftly struck the stake with the hammer, piercing Monica's chest. A geyser of blood soon came bursting out, drenching the gobsmacked future empress in liquid gore; both Hubert and Ferdinand went dinner plate levels of wide-eyed on seeing this. Ferdinand then began to turn green, and immediately rushed out of the crypt to lose his lunch somewhere. Hubert, on the other hand, briefly looked our way, muttering "Thank the Goddess we didn't bring Linhardt along...". Edelgard stood there, wide-eyed herself with shock, for a short moment before she finally spoke. ".........Oh. My. GOD!!!...There's so much blood!!!!" "That's to be expected, considering she recently ate!" Mercedes called out from behind her pillar. Edelgard shuddered, her eyes squeezed shut. "*Eeeeuuuuuggghhhh* Grossgrossgrossgrossgross--" She then slowly opened one eye, only for both to immediately shoot wide open upon seeing something in the coffin. "SHE'S STILL STIRRING?!?" "Hit the stake again!" Mercedes urged. "It needs to go all the way through the heart!" Edelgard, for her part, already had a good idea of where this would undoubtedly lead. "...Do I really have to?", she uncharacteristically groaned. "Like Grandpapa used to always say," Mercedes began to reply before donning an accent, "'It ain't over until the fanged lady shrieks!'" Edelgard glared at Mercedes before she responded in turn. "*Hhhhhhh* Fine." Edelgard struck with the hammer again, sending the stake all the way through, and causing another torrent of blood to spew all over her, much to her physical revulsion. It was then that Monica suddenly awakened and let out a horrified shriek on meeting her fate, before slumping over, apparently finished. Edelgard let out a sigh of relief, before Monica unexpectedly awakened to give her some parting words. "I always thought you were a bitch!" Monica let out in a peeved manner (to put it lightly), before slumping over again, now genuinely dead. "D'oh!" Edelgard uttered with a wince on hearing those words. Mercedes and Hubert then came out from behind the pillars and looked Monica over. "You did it, Edelgard," Mercedes congratulated her with. "Thanks to you, Monica is now truly at peace." Edelgard, glare still on her face, wasn't amused in the least, as one could tell. "She'd better be," she said flatly before casually tossing the hammer aside as she looked her blood-soaked self over. "*Ugh.* This...was utterly disturbing." "Agreed," Mercedes concurred with a nod. "We should've laid a tarp down beforehand." She then turned and began to make her way out of the crypt. "I believe we should report to Lady Rhea of our success." Edelgard and Hubert gave each other a brief look before following Mercedes out, taking a still-queasy Ferdinand with them as they did. Along the way, Hubert handed his liege a handkerchief for her to wipe her face with. Edelgard took it and did so, and when finished (as best as she could), she held it back towards Hubert. "....Please, keep it, Milady," the brooding vassal said in a rare bit of hesitation. The archbishop's office, moments later... "So she's completely out of action?" Rhea asked the two girls in front of her. Hubert was waiting outside the office, while Ferdinand had been dropped off at the infirmary. "Very much so," Mercedes affirmed with a nod. "Edelgard staked Monica herself, as you can see." Edelgard, speaking of, still had an unamused look on her face, as blood dripped from her hair onto the floor, much to Rhea and Seteth's thinly-veiled disgust. "Though I would advise you send someone to ensure that her body is cremated to be on the safe side." "We will take that under advisement," Seteth said. "We are already doing the same to those vampires who haven't already crumbled to dust yet. We've also sent out a patrol armed with anti-vampire weaponry to seek out any that may be hiding." "In the meantime, efforts are already underway to cleanse the monastery and Abyss of any undead detritus," Rhea added. "Miss Bartels, you have my sincerest thanks for your expertise in helping us deal with this threat, as do you, Miss Von Hresvelg, for dealing the finishing blow. You and your fellow students will be happy to know that, in light of the exhausting experience we all went through, classes will be canceled for today so everyone can rest and recover. Now then, is there anything else I can do for you?" Edelgard gave Mercedes, who shook her head at Rhea, a brief look, before doing the same. "No, thank you, Lady Rhea," Edelgard said, a hint of terseness in her voice. "If it's all right, I wish to go do a bit of cleansing myself with a nice, long, hot bath." She gave the archbishop a slight bow before turning to go. "By your leave." She then exited the office, Hubert accompanying her as she began leaving the administrative floor. Mercedes offered her own goodbye as she then left the office herself. Seteth and Rhea then gave each other a brief look before turning their focus on the spot where Edelgard had stood, uncomfortably noting the blood drippings still present, and the trail she inadvertently left in her departure. "*Sigh* Thank the Goddess we had Cyril Scotchgard the rug," Seteth said with a shake of his head. Rhea slumped a bit in her chair before wearily replying. "Indeed. It really ties the room together." -X- The others stared, more than a bit dumbfounded by Mercedes's story. "Well, at least you had a bit of time to rest before Askr came calling," L'Arachel stated. "After hearing all that, I don't know how much I'll be able to sleep tonight," Céline added as she sipped some tea to calm her nerves a little. "Thankfully, we never had to deal with any vampires from that point on, and Monica found eternal rest at last," Mercedes said as she took a scone. "I'm just glad someone kept Linhardt blindfolded while the clean-up was going on." It was then that Sharena came up to them at that moment. "Hey guys! Hope you don't mind, but I wanted to introduce you to one of the newest Heroes we summoned." She then motioned for the person accompanying her to come forward. "She's from a variant of Realm-X, so you should be familiar with her, Mercedes." Sharena then grew confused on seeing how the eyes of Mercedes and the others widened as their mouths went agape, both with surprise, on seeing the person in question. Though her clothes were different, and her hair was of a just as different style, for Mercedes, there was no mistaking her identity. "Um...hi," the newcomer greeted. "Though I'm sure Mercedes knows another version of me, I'm guessing the rest of you don't, so...Nice to meet you all. I'm Monica. Monica Von Ochs." End of Part 3 of 3. **Author's Note(s)** Sorry for the wait, folks. This one proved to be a bit of a pain in the neck (HA!) to write. Hope you enjoy the concluding portion of this flashback tale, and see if you can spot the additional references for kicks. Omake In a private bath she had set up for herself, Edelgard was currently scrubbing herself clean in a pool of warm, bubble-filled water, the liquid itself being constantly replaced with cleaner water as the bloodier liquid was changed out. For Edelgard, she was just glad to be rid of the damn stuff on her person. Hubert was present in the room, his back turned to her. "Hubert, make a note," Edelgard began to dictate. "When we make our move against the Church, I want it to be as completely bloodless as possible--not a single drop spilled. Is that understood?" "Completely, Milady," Hubert replied. "Good," Edelgard said before briefly shuddering. "(I never want to see another drop as long as I live...)" It was then that she noticed something off about her bath. Something...missing. "Hold up--where's my squiddy?" She unintentionally splashed some of the bubble-filled water as she fervently felt around the tub. "Where's my squiddy?!" Hubert, worried, replied "I-I'm sure it's around here somewhere. I didn't see it at first when we entered..." "Well LOOK, damn your eyes, look for it!" Edelgard barked in an uncharacteristic mix of panic and frustration. Hubert immediately complied and reached his hand into the tub, feeling around for the object in question. The back of his hand, at a brief point, unexpectedly made brief contact with something else in the water, which made Edelgard utter a quick yelp in surprise. "Hubert..." Edelgard intoned evenly, yet menacingly as she glowered at him, "are you thinking of going into gynecology as an alternative career?" It took Hubert a brief moment to realize what she'd implied, which made him turn bright red as he sputtered out a response. "OH! Oh, goodness--my sincerest apologies, Lady Edelgard," he said as he swiftly removed his hand from the water and began looking all over the room. "Hurry--find it, get it, get it--will you look around?!" Edelgard said as her panic returned. Hubert's gaze soon fell upon a small table full of bathing implements nearby, and a look of discovery then appeared on his face. "There it is!" he said before he dashed to the table and retrieved the object in question. "Quick! Give it to me, hurry!" Edelgard urged. "Quick, Hubert! Quick!" Hubert soon returned, squeaky kraken in-hand, and swiftly handed it to Edelgard, who breathed rapidly for a brief moment as she clung to the cute approximation of a mythical squid as if it were a lifeline. "*Whew!* That was too close..." she said, slowly calming herself down as she eyed her prized item. "Momma missed squiddy," she said in a very uncharacteristically cutesy manner. "Squiddy miss Momma?" She squeezed the kraken a few times near her ear. "Aaaahhhh...." she uttered softly as she sunk halfway into the bubbly water, contentedly making glubbing sounds once her mouth was below the surface. Hubert, having returned to his usual level of calm and collected, swiftly turned around and exited the room to wait outside, left arm still wet and covered in bubbles.

Vignette 23B - Mercie the Vampire Slayer, Part 2 of 3 "Well, the garlic 'security system' proved fruitless," Seteth commented. He, Rhea, Hanneman, Manuela, the Eisner twins, Shez and Shayla, and Mercedes had convened in the teachers' lounge during the onset of dinner hour at the monastery. They were there to discuss next steps following the morning's 'incident' with the mountain of garlic. "On the contrary," Mercedes began to say, "it proved that there is indeed a vampire involved, considering the lengths they went to in order to make the monastery grounds navigable for themselves again." "(By hypnotizing students and perverted thieves...)" Manuela muttered grumpily. "Come to think of it, there's one thing I did want to bring up," Shez spoke. "Now that we know there is a vampire running amok, shouldn't we try tracking them down or something?" "Nip it in the bud, cut off the head, and all that," Shayla chimed in. "The problem is, if there's one major advantage vampires possess, it's their anonymity," Mercedes explained. "To paraphrase: 'the greatest lie a vampire has ever told, was that they didn't exist'. Disbelief in them is what allowed them to thrive in secret for centuries as they feasted on the living, adding to their ranks." "Which I still find preposterous," Seteth vehemently stated. "Still, taking more precautions couldn't hurt," Byron offered. "We could double the security around the monastery." "With all guards wearing garlic garlands with a Goddess Icon, just in case," Byleth added. "Right, Mercedes?" "That could work," the Blue Lion student agreed. "Perhaps we could commission the smiths in the marketplace to forge some proper anti-vampire weaponry," Hanneman suggested. "Now this is getting ridiculous," Seteth said as he shook his head. "Seteth, we're only examining all options," Rhea assured her advisor. "Even so, Lady Rhea, I'm having serious doubts about this whole 'vampire' theory," Seteth said. "I mean, for goddess's sake, WHO in all of Fódlan, by the very farthest stretch of the imagination, could possibly be a vampire?" "Monica?" Shayla said questioningly on seeing the redheaded student in question enter the lounge. "Well, maybe her," Seteth said, unaware of the new arrival. Rhea cleared her throat, then nodded at Seteth to turn around, where he finally saw that Monica had entered. "Oh! Ms. von Ochs-pardon me, I didn't hear you come in." "Not a problem, sir, and excuse my interruption," Monica replied, "I've always been pretty light on my feet. Anyway, I just came by so I could get some clarification on an assignment Professor Byleth handed out earlier today." "Certainly," Byleth said, "I can go over it with you in the dining hall, a few other students were asking the same thing." "Thank you," Monica said, before her gaze fell on the other student in the room. "We've never formally met, have we? Monica von Ochs," she introduced herself with a slight bow. "Mercedes von Bartels," Mercedes responded in kind. "Though originally von Martritz." "Really? I've heard of that house-used to be very prominent in the Empire," Monica said with a slightly-quirked eyebrow. "My father once told me of its abolishment after its head passed on following his child's birth." "Yes, a shame I never got to meet my birth father," Mercedes said as she shook her head briefly. "But at least I was able to spend time with my maternal grandfather for a while, and he was head of a noble house as well." "Which one?" "The House of von Helsing, in Faerghus," Hanneman answered for Mercedes. "Pardon my chiming in." "Not at all," Mercedes said to the crestologist. "The head of that house," Hanneman continued, "is also one of the continent's most well-known experts in rare diseases, as well as theology, philosophy..." "And gynecology," Mercedes added, surprising a few of the others in the room. "Huh," Manuela said. "Didn't know he had his hand in that, too." In the plane of existence between the collective headspaces of both sets of twins in the room, Sothis and Arval, following Manuela's statement, played a collaborative rimshot on the same drum kit, with Sothis handling the *baddum* and Arval the *tsss*. "I see," Monica said. "That's a name quite well-known in von Ochs territory." "Come to think of it, isn't 'von Ochs' actually the Fódlanized version of your family name?" Mercedes mused. Monica quirked an eyebrow before answering. "Why, yes-before my ancestors arrived on the continent, they were known by the name 'Orlok'." "Ah, as in Count Murnau von Orlok, the founder of the family?" Mercedes asked, seemingly-curious. The others looked at her confusedly. "I stumbled upon their history while perusing a book in the library one day," she quickly informed them before returning her focus to Monica. "A rather rich and colorful history, as it were-apparently, the Count was considered a bloodthirsty butcher on the battlefield, who inflicted unspeakable torture on his enemies: severing their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes, and then impaling them on iron spikes..." Hearing all this greatly astonished everyone but Monica, as nobody ever expected things like that to come out of the mouth of Mercedes, of all people. Sure, Shez, Shayla, and the Eisner twins knew of her fascination with ghost stories, but this was a bit more macabre. Monica, on the other hand, kept her face slightly stony. "(...They had it coming...)" she muttered. That caused the jaws of Seteth, Hanneman, and Manuela to drop. "What could they have possibly done to deserve such barbaric and inhumane treatment?!" Manuela asked, shocked. "My family had a saying in the 'old country'," Monica began to answer, "(Nostloy bleckla, den noi pushta!)" "They also said," Mercedes replied in turn, "(Stanisha ploftoi, gag mul pafuft.)" "Hmm," Monica mused, "you know my ancestral tongue-impressive." Feeling the inquisitive stares of the others on her again, Mercedes quickly filled them in. "I study other languages in my spare time-if I'm to serve the church as I get older, I figured it'd help if I was multilingual, were I to be sent to other parts of the continent." She returned her focus to Monica. "Your ancestral tongue was full of a lot of fascinating phrases-like this one: (Fale dadlic ta)." Monica mildly chuckled at this. "(Kaploi.)" She then faced the faculty. "Thank you for your time. Professor Byleth, I look forward to seeing-" "(Manush)," Mercedes uttered softly, but just loud enough for Monica to hear. "-you at the dining hall," Monica finished, before eyeing Mercedes. "Well, well-from the looks of you earlier, I didn't take you for a girl who likes having the last word. Sorry to say, I'm not going to be drawn into such childish antics...(Paloshtoi.)" Mercedes chuckled a little. "Oh, how silly of me to care who has the last word...(Polotnik!)" "...Well, the evening's young," Monica said after a slight pause, "I still need to get my questions answered by Professor Byleth. Perhaps we'll carry on this conversation some other time, Ms. Bartels-until then..." "Indeed," Mercedes replied. "Have a nice dinner." Monica nodded, and just as she closed the door, she let out a quick but audible "(Abalutza!)". Though Mercedes maintained her usual laid-back positivity, deep down she was huffing in that instance. "My, what arrogance," she commented with mild sarcasm to the others as she walked over to the door. "We can easily see why the decadent aristocracy is pretty much dead in that part of the world." Mercedes then quickly opened the door before mildly shouting out into the hallway, "(Fushta!)", which startled a couple of priests walking by. She then closed the door again, with the others in the lounge utterly dumbstruck by what they'd just seen of the normally-pious and kind student. "Everyone, in spite of Mr. Seteth's skepticism, our work is not done, not by a long shot. Like Shez put it plainly earlier, the vampire is still hidden among us. Not only that, we must remember that our foe is cunning, and above all, very tenacious!" At that moment, Monica's voice sounded through one of the walls of the lounge. "(Gerania!)" This was enough to actually make Mercedes audibly huff. "*Ooh!* The tenacity of that girl..." It was then that a thought suddenly occurred to her. "Tenacity..." "Got something, Mercedes?" Byleth asked. "The makings of a theory," she answered. It didn't take long for Shayla to figure out what she was getting at. "Hold on, are you saying...Monica's our vampire?" "Yes!" Mercedes confirmed, "...And no." "Wait, then what are you saying?" Hanneman asked. "I'm saying 'no'...but leaning towards 'yes'," Mercedes replied. "Then you're saying yes?" Shez asked. "No." "Then it's no?" Manuela asked. "Not necessarily," Mercedes answered. "...Forgive me if I say how dubious that sounds," Seteth stated. "No, I'm positive..." Mercedes said. "Of?" Byron asked. "My theory." "The theory of...?" Byleth asked. "The theory of yes or no." A beat passed throughout the group as they stared at Mercedes. "...I am utterly confused right now," Rhea finally said, a big sweat drop by her head. "Actually...I have a way to prove my suspicions," Mercedes said, having gathered her thoughts together after remembering a certain object found in Rhea's office. "I know I'm asking a lot of you, Lady Rhea, but this is what I have in mind..." A few days following the tiny tit-for-tat between Monica and Mercedes in the teachers' lounge, the former was called into Rhea's office. The purpose, Seteth explained, was to evaluate Monica after two weeks of reintegrating herself back into the academic environs of the Officer's Academy. The Eisner twins were present, given how they were two of her teachers, while Shez and Shayla were providing additional security. Per Mercedes's instructions, both sets of twins were to keep one eye on both the conversation between Monica and Rhea and Seteth, while also keeping another on the archbishop's metal box of sweet treats. The item in question currently had its lid open, and what the two sets of twins noticed on looking at it utterly shocked them (which they did their best to mask, given Monica's presence). The inside of the lid had a small, rectangular mirror built into it, and while they could see the reflections of Rhea and Seteth clearly...Monica's was nowhere to be found, despite her being right next to the thing, in plain view of the mirror. Sothis...Byron thought towards the being he and his sister shared a headspace with. Tell us you're seeing what we're seeing, Byleth finished. "I see it, all right," the enigmatic girl replied, an astonished look on her own face, "but I don't believe it." "Same over on my end," Arval chimed in from their part of the 'buffer zone' between the Eisner twins' headspace and Shez and Shayla's. "If this is a parlor trick of some sort, then Monica is quite the magician." It was then that a knock was heard on the archbishop's door. "Come in," Rhea answered. The door opened, and in walked Mercedes, per her part of the plan. She was holding a small bag in her hands. "Good evening, Lady Rhea," she greeted. "I brought some of my homemade treats, as you asked." "Thank you, I've been hearing so much about your handiwork from some of the other students that I just had to try some for myself," Rhea replied. "Please, just pour them into the box right there." "My pleasure," Mercedes said as she did just that, the sound of the clinking of the tiny cookies falling into the vessel in question filling the room for a brief moment. "I believe that will be all for today," Rhea said as she returned her focus to Monica. "You may be dismissed, Ms. von Ochs, thank you for your time." "No problem at all, Lady Rhea," Monica said as she got up from her chair and began to walk away. "Oh, Monica, before you go," Mercedes began to ask. "Might I offer you a treat or two? With your permission, Lady Rhea." "I don't see why not," Rhea answered. "Go ahead and take a few, Ms. von Ochs." "Well, if you insist..." Monica said as she reached for the box containing the treats, which Mercedes was holding out to her. However, the moment Monica saw the mirror in the lid, a feral grimace adorned her face as she hissed and knocked the box out of Mercedes's hands, much to the great surprise of everyone present, who also could've sworn that they briefly saw that two of Monica's front most teeth...were fanged. Monica glared at Mercedes for a moment longer, before regaining some of her composure as she turned to Rhea and Seteth. "Sincerest apologies, Lady Rhea, I...dislike mirrors. Don't even own one, actually." "Then how do you get yourself all gussied up for the day?" Shayla asked. "Oh, I have one of my classmates on the same floor as me do my hair," Monica answered almost dismissively with a small handwave. "Quite a good hairdresser, she is-almost as good as Dorothea or Hilda. Anyway, as to why I dislike mirrors..." She narrowed her eyes slightly at Mercedes. "I'm sure Ms. Bartels can explain." She then turned and made her leave, but before exiting the office, she looked at Mercedes one last time. "You know, for someone who hasn't lived a full lifetime yet...you're pretty clever, Mercie." As soon as Monica left the office and was well out of earshot, Mercedes, Shez, and Shayla let out breaths they didn't know they were holding in. "*WHEW!* Man..." Shez said, a hint of relief in his voice. "Did you see the look on her face?" "I know-like a wild beast," Shayla replied. "I believe that explanation is in order, Ms. Bartels?" Seteth queried. "Simple," Mercedes said while picking up the box and the spilled treats as she faced the Eisner twins, Shez, and Shayla. "Tell me, what did you see in the mirror?" she asked while pointing to the now-broken object. Byron and Byleth, along with Shez and Shayla, gave each other a brief look before facing Rhea and Seteth. "Both of your reflections were there..." Byron began. "But Monica's wasn't," Shayla uneasily finished. "What?!" Rhea and Seteth replied in astonishment. "How is this possible?" Rhea asked. "Vampires cast no reflection at all," Mercedes answered. "Whether in a mirror, or any reflective surface, they will not be seen. Additionally, even if she managed to take one of the treats and eat it...to say it'd be terrible for her digestion would be an understatement, considering these happen to be a batch of home-baked holy wafers." It was soon clear to both head administrators of the Officer's Academy that Mercedes was right-there was indeed a vampire on the loose, and Rhea had just casually sent her on her way after a short chat about her academic experience. It didn't take long for Rhea to make her next move. "Seteth, have the guards detain Monica von Ochs immediately," she ordered. "She is to be considered extremely dangerous-exercise utmost caution when dealing with her." About forty-five minutes later, the Gatekeeper of Garreg Mach entered the office. "Bad news to report, Lady Rhea," McCarley began to say. "Monica von Ochs appears to have vanished-we can't find her anywhere." Rhea nodded at the news. "Thank you, McCarley. Return to your post, but remain alert." McCarley saluted and proceeded out the door. "*Sigh* It appears Monica won't be making it easy for us." "Agreed," Mercedes concurred. "I have a feeling she'll probably be marshalling whatever undead force she's managed to build up under our noses. Come nightfall, we can more than likely expect a siege on the monastery. Which means we'll need to bolster our own side." She then faced both the Eisner twins and Shez and Shayla. "Can you gather all the houses together in the cathedral, including the Ashen Wolves?" "We'll have them within fifteen minutes," Byron replied as he and the other three went off to assemble each respective student body. Seteth arched an eyebrow at Mercedes. "Why the Ashen Wolves as well?" he asked. "I believe Yuri may be able to validate my suspicions about how Monica's been managing to move about the grounds without issue," Mercedes replied. "Besides, it's important that we all have everyone on the same page. Otherwise, we may be doomed to the worst kind of immortality." The main cathedral, fifteen minutes later... "...Vampires." That response, delivered in a tone both flat and laced with disbelief, came from one Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, the resident aristocrat of the Golden Deer House. It came after the four Houses of Garreg Mach, along with key faculty of the Officers Academy and Church leadership, had been gathered in the main cathedral of the monastery, where Mercedes had then explained to them the situation at hand and what was to come. Before Lorenz had said a thing, once Mercedes had finished her explanation, the rest of her fellow students found themselves staring, dumbfounded, at a girl they thought they knew well-more so when it came to her friends in her own house in the Blue Lions. "I understand it may be hard to believe," Mercedes began to say, "but if we're to protect ourselves, and the whole of this continent, we must prepare for an invasion of the undead, and it won't be long before Monica and her forces are upon us." "Question," Sylvain started to ask. "And I think I speak for all of us when asking, if Monica's been a vampire all along, then how come she didn't burst into flames or something, considering she's been hanging around the monastery? Which, at last check, definitely counts as 'hallowed ground'." Mercedes looked to the Ashen Wolves students before responding. "Yuri, have there been any suspicious persons moving around Abyss of late?" "Mercie-may I call you 'Mercie'?-considering the atmosphere down there," the purple-haired house leader of the Ashen Wolves began to answer, "we always deem new faces suspicious. But for the matter at hand, a few weeks ago we did notice a group of gentlemen visiting our little community, all of whom were transporting an unusual cargo." "What kind of cargo?" Shamir asked. "It was weird," Balthus, the muscle of the Ashen Wolves, replied. "They were all these long boxes full of soil. We didn't think anything strange about 'em, at first-probably figured they were trying to set up some kind of underground garden." "I, however, had my concerns regarding possible contamination," Constance, the Ashen Wolves' own haughty aristocrat, chimed in. "I secretly obtained a sample of the soil and did my own analysis, and just to ensure my findings weren't wrong, I sent them along to someone with more expertise in this particular area." She eyed said expert, being Dedue of the Blue Lions, giving him a cue to speak up. "Constance and I both came to the same conclusion," the 'second-in-command' of the Blue Lions stated. "The soil those men brought with them wasn't native to any of the major nations of Fódlan; additionally, it's not native to even Almyra or Sreng." "Thought so," Mercedes commented before elaborating. "While many of you might be familiar with the notion of vampires sleeping in coffins, it's often forgotten that they can only do so if they have a good amount of their native soil within. Said soil gives off a particular aura that makes it more tolerable for the vampire." "Let me guess-" Hapi, the major cynic of the Ashen Wolves, began to surmise. "All those boxes full of soil, put together in Abyss, right under the monastery, provides enough of a buffer that'd enable a bloodsucker like Monica to move about without worry." Mercedes nodded with a smile. "Got it right on the head, Hapi. Which means, if we're to keep the monastery, if not the whole of Fódlan, out of undead hands, our strategy is two-fold. While one large group of us holds off Monica and her horde up above, a smaller group of us ventures into Abyss to locate the boxes, and purify the soil within them, cutting off the vampires' major advantage." "So once they're crippled, how do we take them out then?" Felix, the sourpuss swordsman of the Blue Lions, asked. "To put a vampire out of action permanently," Mercedes explained. "They must be impaled-usually with a wooden stake-through the heart." A few among the students blanched a little on hearing this. "Okay...*BLECH*," Hilda of the Golden Deer commented, sticking her tongue for emphasis. "Any other way to do them in, aside from keeping them busy until sunrise?" "There is one other method that's little-used," Mercedes replied. "You cut off the vampire's head, stuff their mouth with garlic, and then tear off their ears." On hearing that, sweat drops appeared by the heads of the majority of students and staff. "Right then-stake through the heart it is," Hilda said. "Cyril and I managed to bring in what stakes and hammers were available from the supply room near the greenhouse," Flayn said and she and the Almyran boy in question wheeled in a small cart full of the implements. "Good initiative," Mercedes remarked. "Thankfully, those won't be the only tools at our disposal." She then nodded towards another area of the cathedral, where Anna wheeled in on a larger cart a loadout of various weapons, to the surprise of a lot of the students and staff. "Professor Hanneman, your idea from earlier was quite sound, so I put in a special order." "Special doesn't even begin to cover it," Anna said as she presented the items. "One small arsenal of custom-crafted anti-vampire weaponry, all varnished with the purest of pure water. And, given the present circumstances, yours at a unique and exceptional one-time-only price!" -X- "Hang on a moment," Soleil said, a skeptical look on her face. "What's Commander Anna doing there? I thought you said this all happened before you'd even heard of Askr." "Oh, it wasn't the commander," Mercedes explained. "It was one of her sisters, the one living in our realm specifically." "You've seen the one from Realm-I," Celica reminded the swordfighter from Realm-VI. "Oh yeah," Solei said, realizing they were correct. "Unlike them, this Anna's hair was more on the magenta side than red," Mercedes further added. "Anyway, where was I...?" -X- The students and staff proceeded to help themselves to the arsenal, with each of them testing the heft and feel of their arm of choice. "Not bad, not bad at all..." Edelgard, the Black Eagle house leader, commented as she took a few practice swings with the axe she held. "Weight distribution's well-balanced, quality of the silver used for the axe head is top-notch-the smiths who forged these do great work." "They should," Anna said. "They're a forge that does a lot of business with monster-hunters. In fact, the silver they utilize also goes into the line of anti-werewolf weapons they produce." "Werewolf?" Dmitri, the Blue Lion house leader, asked curiously while he tested the lance he'd taken up. "A different animal compared to vampires," Mercedes explained as she draped a bandolier of stakes around her chest, which ended in a quiver of arrows for her bow. "Though like them, if you're bitten by a werewolf, you become one yourself-cursed to spend eternity in misery while wandering the Earth, transforming into a beast with each full moon, hunting the living like a wild animal..." "Sheesh, who knew she could be so morbid...?" Ingrid quietly mused as she inspected her own lance. "Indeed," Lorenz concurred. "You think you know someone, and then they find some way to surprise you. Granted, I'd have preferred if said surprise didn't involve facing down an undead horde." End of Part 2 of 3.

Vignette 23A - Mercie the Vampire Slayer, Part 1 of 3 On a rather pleasant afternoon, a gazebo in one of the larger gardens of Askr Castle was currently playing host to the latest gathering of one of the many activity groups established among members of the Order of Heroes. In this case, it was the tea club, made up of various Heroes from various realms who had in common the notion that nothing could beat relaxing with a nice cup of tea (edible treats optional). The group in question consisted of Realm-IV's L'Arachel, princess of the theocracy of Rausten and the one who established the club (partly as an expansion of the one she formed back home); Realm-I's Celica (from its present, heiress to the throne of Zofia on the continent of Valentia) and Maribelle (from its future, one of the few aristocrats counting themselves among the elite team known as the Shepherds); Céline of Realm-XI, crown princess of Firene and one of the newest members in the club; Realm-VI's Soleil (from its further future, and whose father Laslow was actually Realm-I's Inigo--long story...); and Realm-X's Mercedes (a student of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy, specifically of the Blue Lion house), acting as that realm's 'representative' for today, as there were a decent number of tea-drinkers among that group of Heroes, to the point where they decided on 'shifts' as club members. The group was engaged in pleasant conversation as Mercedes shifted the subject with her next set of words. "Oh, Lady L'Arachel," the blonde heiress to House Bartels began, "I meant to ask you about this the other day. While chatting with your bodyguard, Dozla, during a march, he mentioned something about the two of you engaging in some manner of 'monster hunting' in the lead-up to the War of the Stones. Is that true?" The green-haired princess of Rausten grinned a bit as she nodded her head. "Indeed it is, my good woman," she replied as she took a sip of her tea. "What kind of creatures of nightmare are we talking?" Soleil asked. "And don't skimp on the details." "These weren't just your run-of-the-mill horrors," L'Arachel elaborated. "These were the vanguard of the Demon King of our realm's distant past. Any one of the types among their ranks would have you reeling with fright--the mauthe doogs, the baels and their elders (not for the arachnophobic), the giant axe-wielding cyclopes, and to say nothing of the various forms of walking dead that were the basic grunts..." "Thank the Divine Dragon we're discussing this while it's still daylight," Céline said with a mild shudder. "Curiously, what brought this up?" L'Arachel asked Mercedes. "Well, believe it or not, it's another detail we share in common," Mercedes answered before helping herself to a scone. "I do remember one of your classmates telling us about the creatures you've gone up against," Celica stated. "Yes, the so-called 'demonic beasts', as they were," Maribelle added. "Oh, no, I'm not referring to those," Mercedes clarified. "You see, on my mother's side of the family, multiple generations have hunted down a very particular kind of monster, one that I doubt any of you here have run into in your respective worlds." "Which kind of monster, specifically?" L'Arachel asked. "Vampires," Mercedes answered nonchalantly. Hearing this caused the other six to stare at Mercedes, wide-eyed with astonishment, some with their teacups halfway to their lips when she'd said the word. "...Vampires," Celica repeated flatly. "That is what I said," Mercedes said with a nod. "As in, with the fangs, and the blood-drinking, and the turning into bats--" Céline rattled off. "The very same," Mercedes confirmed. "And they're actually real?" L'Arachel probed further. "Indeed they are," Mercedes said in turn. "In fact, we actually dealt with an infestation of them at the monastery well before any of us were first summoned to Askr." The other six ladies, still wide-eyed, gave each other a brief look before facing Mercedes again, all now beset by a mutual, some would say morbid, curiosity. "Do tell..." Maribelle implored, those not Mercedes nodding affirmatively in conjunction. "Certainly," Mercedes said as she refilled her cup while beginning her tale... Realm-X, Garreg Mach Monastery, 'then'... The month that followed the grand ball at Garreg Mach was a stark contrast in terms of mood. It had begun when a mission to rescue some missing students from a group of demonic beasts in the ruins of an old chapel near the bottom of the monastery had led to the death of Jeralt at the hands of Kronya, an assassin working for 'Those Who Slither in the Dark' who had posed as another missing student, Monica von Ochs; she had fled in the brief chaos that followed, with search teams sent by the Church of Seiros to track her movements. Jeralt's twin children, son Byron and daughter Byleth, both harboring the power and consciousness of the entity Sothis, mourned in their own respective ways and tried to soldier on, given support by the students under their guidance and the staff they worked with, especially Archbishop Rhea (in spite of their growing mistrust of her) and their fellow mercenaries (as well as former professional rivals), the twins Shez and his sister Shayla (both of whom also harboring the power and consciousness of another entity, the strange and mysterious Arval). At one point during the month, an astonishing discovery had been made within the chapel ruins by an investigative unit of the Knights: A girl who appeared to be the real Monica von Ochs, found barely alive in a long box, strangely full of soil. Though wary due to the prior experience with Kronya, after it had been determined that the girl was, in fact, the genuine article, she was nursed back to health in the monastery's infirmary. Though she recovered and was able to move about again, as well as opted to resume her education at the Officer's Academy, how she did so proved to be quite strange to the staff and students. For one thing, she asked to be enrolled in any and all classes that were conducted during the evenings; as a result, nobody saw her at all during the day. Whenever she ate in the dining hall, her meals were almost strictly red meat dishes--the juicier, the better, in her words; curiously, she avoided anything even remotely seasoned with garlic. There was the matter of her supposedly being seen by guards on night watch, wandering about the monastery...and appearing to almost be one with the shadows. Lastly, she could not be found attending services in the main cathedral of the monastery whatsoever. To those in charge, all these could be explained away...however, for one Mercedes von Bartels (nee von Martritz), these behaviors proved to be very, very suspect. Mercedes wouldn't get the chance to present her concerns/theories until stranger events began occurring. Church and academy leadership were notified of a series of disappearances of random individuals from some of the local villages near the monastery. When those same individuals turned up a couple of days later...they were very weak and pale, with no explanation. The ball of weirdness got really rolling when two Church soldiers were found at their posts in the same condition. They were immediately brought to the infirmary, where presently Professors Manuela and Hanneman were examining them. Rhea, Seteth, and two of the top knights, Katherine and Alois, were present to hear the two magic-users' findings. "In all my time practicing medicine, rare is the instance where I can say, without a doubt...that this is a new one on me," Manuela stated. "What can you tell us about their condition?" Rhea asked. "Not much beyond that it is definitely similar to what befell those townspeople who vanished the other week," Hanneman answered as he held up the arm of one of the soldiers. "Extremely pale complexion, significant loss of vitality..." "Not to mention, a substantial decrease in their bloodflow, almost as if they were drained of it," Manuela added as she pointed to a certain area on the other bedridden soldier. "What really puzzles me are the two holes on the neck, which almost look like bite marks from some animal." "What kind of animal is what we're unsure of," Hanneman said. "No insect or spider makes anything that precise." "Maybe some new virulent terror created by the group Solon and Kronya were a part of?" Alois posed. Both professors shook their heads. "We tested for anything resembling the magic they used, and turned up nothing," Hanneman confirmed. It was at that moment that a knock was heard at the infirmary door. "Whoever's there, you'll need to come back later, we're in the middle of something at the moment," Katherine said to shoo away the visitors. "It's all right, Katherine," Rhea said on recognizing said visitors, "let them in." The visitors, as it turned out, were Byron and Byleth, who offered a polite bow to Rhea as they entered, followed by Mercedes. "Is there a reason Miss Bartels is with you?" Seteth asked them, arching a curious eyebrow. "Mercedes is actually the reason we're here," Byron answered. "She says she may be able to offer some insight into what's going on," Byleth added, before nodding to the Blue Lion student. Mercedes returned the nod as she stepped forward to address the combined Church and academic leadership of Garreg Mach. "If I might get a look at the patients for a moment, Professor Manuela? Professor Hanneman?" she asked. The two professors looked to one another briefly before nodding in response as Mercedes then stepped up to one of the beds. She gave the soldier on it a cursory examination, before removing a small bottle of pure water from her pocket, opening it, and pouring a couple of drops onto the two holes on the man's neck. Those not Mercedes found their eyes widening in surprise as they saw the holes appear to burn away while the soldier hissed in pain. For Mercedes, she narrowed her eyebrows as she faced the others. "This definitely confirms it--I'm sorry to say this, Lady Rhea, but it appears that Garreg Mach...has a vampire problem." A few jaws dropped on hearing this, none more so than Alois's. "V-v-vampire?" he uttered mildly fearfully and inquisitively, given how he, like another student in Lysithea of the Golden Deer house, had a fear of ghosts and most things that went bump in the night. "As--as in, that sort of creature that rises from its grave, and sucks the blood of the living...in order to prolong its own unholy existence?!" Seteth, on the other hand, remained skeptical. "You cannot be serious." It was a sentiment echoed by Hanneman. "Young lady, demonic beasts aside, our present understanding of science and magic doesn't admit to such a fanciful creature." Mercedes wasn't so easily deterred. "And no offense, Professor Hanneman, but our, as you describe, 'present understanding' is utter pish-posh in the face of an evil such as this." She looked down at the soldier briefly. "These two lost a significant amount of blood, correct?" "Well, yes," Manuela answered. Mercedes then looked to Katherine and Alois. "Was any of it seen spilled about these two when they were found?" Katherine and Alois looked to one another briefly before the former replied, "Not even a single droplet." Mercedes then faced Hanneman again. "Now, how can our present understanding explain that?" Hanneman moved to respond, only to realize that for once, he didn't have an answer. "Thought so." "You seem to know an awful lot about this sort of thing," Byron noted. "Yes, you could say it's sort of a...family business," Mercedes said in turn. "On the maternal side of my family, specifically. You see, before my mother married the late Baron Martritz, she was the daughter of the head of a minor but well-reknowned house in Faerghus, a Professor Abram von Helsing." The name caught the surprise of both Manuela and Hanneman instantly. "Wait, the Professor von Helsing?" an awestruck Hanneman asked. "Er...is he that famous?" Byleth asked in turn. "He certainly is," Hanneman affirmed. "The man's one of the most well-known metaphysicians and philosophers on the continent." "Also one of the most well-regarded medical doctors," Manuela added, "knowing more about obscure diseases than anyone else. In fact, we used one of his discoveries to cure that 'hate plague' of Solon's that struck Remire Village." She then regarded Mercedes. "And you're saying you're his granddaughter?" "It is indeed the truth," Mercedes stated. "Before we became part of House Bartels, my mother and I stayed with him. I even learned all about the trade from him before I attended the Fhirdiad Royal School of Sorcery. The trade being...vampire hunting." She then faced Rhea before continuing. "Lady Rhea, we'll need to put the monastery on alert. I have knowledge of means by which we can protect the students and civilians within our walls, for make no mistake--come nightfall, the foul thing who did this to these two soldiers will return, to suck on the life-fluid of its next victim...until it has drained them of every last drop. And if they die a victim of this unspeakable creature..." At that moment, an eerie shadow seemed to cover her face as she spoke in an ominous near-whisper. "...they will become one themselves." The group found themselves confused slightly by the last few words, given the way in which Mercedes had spoken them. "Become what?" Byron asked. "They will become one themselves," Mercedes repeated, in the same tone of voice but clear enough to be understood. "Miss Bartels, if this is as serious as you say it is," Rhea began to ask, "what can we do to protect our people from this...fiend, for lack of a better term?" "Professor Hanneman?" Mercedes asked the monocle-wearing crestologist, "among your books, do you have anything on the occult?" "Er, yes, I do," he confirmed. "Anything on folklore from pre-Church times?" "Sorry to say, no." "A copy of The Theory and the Theology of the Evil Undead?" "No." "How about Nosferatu?" "Actually, I do have that one--give me a moment." With that, Hanneman quickly made his way to his office, and soon returned with the book in question. "In fact, I just got it in the monastery's usual delivery rounds today." "If I may see it for a moment?" Mercedes asked, before Hanneman handed her the book, which she then proceeded to flip through until coming to a certain page. "Ah, here's one protection method--'The creature is repelled by garlic. Its purifying effect is anathemic to the tainted soul of the vampire.'" She closed the book before addressing the others. "Therefore, we will need to decorate the monastery with strings of garlic; the greenhouse should be fine, due to the garlic growing there already. I believe we should have enough cloves in the dining hall's kitchen and storerooms to serve our purposes." In the hours that followed, every effort was made to drape strings of garlic cloves on all the vital areas of the monastery--the dormitories, the stables, the entrance hall and knights' hall, the staff offices and classrooms, even the training grounds. As Mercedes noted, the greenhouse was left alone, as was the cathedral due to its status as hallowed ground. Alois, given how superstitious he was, even took to wearing a garland of garlic around his neck at all times. Dorothea of the Black Eagles and Hilda of the Golden Deer wound up going through more perfume than they'd ever worn in their lives, just to avoid the scent. -X- "Hold on--you all actually decorated an entire monastery with garlic?" Celica asked in a slightly disbelieving tone. "Oh, yes, nearly everyone chipped in to help," Mercedes replied. "Within the walls of Garreg Mach, Lady Rhea's words are taken as gospel." Mercedes giggled a bit as she continued. "The whole place reeked of garlic even in the weeks following our dealing with the vampires. But I'm getting ahead of myself..." -X- Finding themselves effectively 'locked' out of the monastery due to the garlic, the 'mystery' vampire (who'd been out secretly bolstering their forces at the time) knew they had to get a bit creative if they wanted to regain their access. Thus, through their hypnotic ability (bolstered by their strong will), they were able to send a lackey they hadn't turned onto the grounds to carry out a simple order: remove the garlic strands. That lackey would be the man known as Pallardo, a notorious thief and con man infamous throughout Fódlan (who surprisingly had a weak will). Pallardo made his way under the cover of night into the administrative offices on the second floor above the entrance hall of the grounds, and was soon removing the garlic from Manuela's quarters. It was while he had at least a couple of lengths around his shoulders that a bit of...curiosity got the better of him upon seeing the sleeping visage of Manuela; giving in to that curiosity, he slowly, quietly lifted the sheets off her bed, a sneaky chuckle escaping his lips. That chuckle proved to be his undoing, for suddenly he found himself dropping the sheets...as he faced the pointed end of Manuela's sword, a nervous sweat trickling down his face. "You know, being a famous opera star, I've encountered my fair share of celebrity-stalkers," a glaring Manuela stated, a sleep mask resting above her eyes. "Being in a position like that, I've learned to always be aware of my surroundings, as well as to be prepared for anything that could happen. Still, as far as stalkers go...you were quite sloppy. GUARDS!" At her shouting, two Church soldiers entered Manuela's quarters and apprehended Pallardo. Outside, from their position, Pallardo's undead master shook their head resignedly. "*Sigh* Pallardo, you idiot..." Pallardo, called a 'filthy degenerate' by one of the guards, was soon enough dragged to a holding cell on the monastery grounds. "I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything!" he shouted with all the denial he could muster. As soon as his cell door closed, a more lecherous look appeared on his face. "I saw everything," he said with a dismissive handwave and a raspy, slightly-perverse chuckle. Back with the vampire, they decided to change tactics and employ someone--perhaps a couple of someones--on the inside of the monastery grounds this time. Reaching out with their hypnotic voice, they stirred awake both Caspar of the Black Eagles and Raphael of the Golden Deer. The two students, now in a trance, were commanded to exit their dorm rooms...though not without complications, after they accidentally walked into the closets of their respective rooms due to said order being simply to open the door. Once outside, the mystery vampire gave them a new command. "Now...walk to the dorm entrance," they ordered. Caspar and Raphael complied, walking stiltedly towards the entrance in question. "Look out for that--" the vampire attempted to warn, only to watch, dumbfounded, as Caspar and Raphael tripped on an object in their path. "--barrel." The vampire rolled their eyes a little before resuming their control of the two students. "Stand up, both of you." Both complied. "Walk to the dorm entrance." Unfortunately, Caspar was facing said entrance while Raphael was facing the opposite direction; thus, when both walked, they immediately bumped into each other and fell back down. "*Ugh*," the vampire uttered as they gave themselves a facepalm. The vampire then took a couple of deep breaths and counted slowly to ten before trying again. "All right--both of you, stand up and face the dorm entrance." Caspar and Raphael complied. "Now, exit the dorm." The two then walked through the doorway at the same time, only to get stuck in the space. "Oh, for the love of--step back from the entrance." The two squeezed out as they complied. "Now, exit the dorm, single-file." The two did as ordered. "Much better. Now--go around and collect all the garlic strands, and do so quietly. Once finished, go back to sleep." At that order, both Caspar and Raphael went to carry it out, beginning with removing the garlic decorating the dorms. "*Sigh* Why is good help so hard to find these days...?" the vampire muttered to themselves. Hours later, as morning fell upon the monastery, those who lived within its walls, while getting ready for the day, found themselves gobsmacked by an unusual sight that greeted them near the main door of the entrance hall: An enormous pile of garlic, with Caspar and Raphael, still in their sleep clothes, snoozing on top of it. "...Well, there's something you don't see every day," Claude, house leader of the Golden Deer, stated as he rubbed his head absent-mindedly. Shez and Shayla gave each other a brief look before then trading looks with the others. "So...who's gonna wake them up?" Shayla asked. It was another Golden Deer student (and #1 Jeralt fangirl), Leonie, who stepped up. "Caspar should be easy enough, but Raphael's a pretty heavy sleeper. So, we'll need to take the delicate approach in order to get them both up at the same time..." With that, she pulled out from somewhere on her person a metal triangle with its stick and began clanging it, causing the others (startled by the sudden ringing) to cover their ears; if some weren't fully awake then, they certainly were now, especially when it came to one Linhardt von Hevring of the Black Eagles, much to his chagrin. "UP AND AT 'EM! ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BREAKFAST BUFFET IN THE DINING HALL! GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT...!" Leonie shouted as loudly as she could. The words 'all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet' were enough to cause both Caspar and Raphael to bolt upright and wide awake. "Who-what-where-how--?!" both briskly uttered, until they both realized they were being stared at by a lot of people. "Uh, morning, guys," Caspar greeted with a hint of confusion. Raphael then looked at their present surroundings before confusion came upon him as well. "...Why am I on top of a mountain of garlic?" Shamir, one of the mercenary knights on the Church's payroll, stepped forward to question the two boys. "You really don't know what happened?" the green-jacketed sniper asked, her face impassive as usual. "Somehow, the two of you, in the middle of the night, managed to collect all the garlic we decorated the monastery grounds with." Both students' eyes widened as they looked at the pile beneath them. "We seriously did all this?" Caspar asked in turn, he and Raphael pointing to each other. Byron and Byleth looked to one another, exchanged a mutual nod, and looked to Seteth and the rest of the church and academy leadership. "We believe they didn't do this on purpose," Byron affirmed. "Neither has been known to sleepwalk," Byleth added, "and even if they did, they wouldn't deliberately set out to take down all the garlic in their unconscious state." "Which can only mean..." Mercedes put forward, "someone or something controlled them from afar." "We'll deliberate on this later," Seteth stated as he then looked over the mix of students and staff. "In the meantime, I believe everyone should go get your breakfast before your classes start. Let's not let this little oddity distract us from our regularly-scheduled school day." He then turned and headed off to get the custodial staff to gather the garlic up and return it to the kitchens. A few of the students, as they dispersed, said a few other things to Caspar and Raphael before going any further. "Uh, guys, could you do us a favor?" Ignatz of the Golden Deer asked. "Sure, what is it?" Raphael replied inquisitively. "You might want to shower and get changed before you join us in the dining hall," Ingrid of the Blue Lions answered while waving her hand in front of her nose. "No offense, but you smell like a batch of my mother's home-baked bialys." A beatific look then appeared on Raphael's face on hearing that. "Mmm--bialys..." End of Part 1 of 3.

Something I'm mildly curious about--has anyone compiled a list of the most well-known tea drinkers in all the games?

Vignette 22 - An Appeal for Hel The opening shot focused on the grim, regal form of Hel, the cold ruler of the realm of the dead which she shared a name with. She was sitting at a desk, her fingers tented before her. Hel: "Good evening. I would like you, if you would, to look closely, for a moment, at this image." The shot then cut to her handmaiden, Ganglöt, holding the portrait-sized image to her side. The image appeared to be of a group of people crying out in agony as fire rained down upon them, with a dark, robe-clad figure looking on. Hel [voiceover]: "The image is of only just a few out of millions of souls in torment." The shot then cut back to Hel, sitting at her desk. Hel: "The image was rendered on canvas several hundred years ago. These poor people have not been tormented since then, due to a lack of funds." She 'un-tented' her hands as she laced her fingers in front of herself. Hel: "You know, Hel is a purely voluntary organization. There is no state-based aid, no insurance scheme, not even a grant from UNICEF...And now, please take a look at this image." The shot then cut to Ganglöt again, this time holding an portrait of the twin sister witches, Realm-I's Marla and Hestia, along with another witch from that realm in Nuibaba. The shot then cut back to Hel. Hel: "A rather heart-rending sight, is it not? These witches of the Rigelian half of Valentia have to be roasted alive on less fuel per year than you will probably use in one day in the warmth and comfort of your humble home. You may now be wondering--what can you do to help? Well, ten sacred coins will maintain a torture rack for two weeks; only five gold coins will assure eternal darkness for one soul for six months." Hel took a brief moment to adjust her posture a bit before she spoke again. Hel [a rare look of sincerity in her expression]: "Believe it or not, life is not much fun down here in the bottomless pit that shares my name. We here have taken on a job that is not very popular, and receive a lot of opposition from the press...and still some from the Realm of Life...You will find our address either in print via the latest edition of your local pamphlet, or in audio format via your local town crier. Please, do consider making a pledge today." With that, Hel vanished from the desk, leaving an empty chair behind. -X- Kiran, Anna, and the Askr royal siblings stared at the crystal ball, dumbfounded and speechless. Their visit to Realm-III's Niime for an augury in preparation for their next mission had certainly taken an odd turn when this message from Hel played unexpectedly the moment the elderly druid conjured up the mists within her crystal ball. They looked to Niime herself, as if seeking answers; Niime, for the most part, nonchalantly inspected her crystal ball and shook it a little, a quizzical look on her face. "I knew I should've bit the arrowhead and signed up for the ad-free service," she said. **Author's Note(s)** Dedicated to Niime's English VA, the late Philece Sampler. This vignette is based upon a sketch from the third episode of The Frost Report, "The Frost Report on Sin" (March 24, 1966). The show was the one that introduced the world to John Cleese (among other comics), who was the only future Python founder to be featured as a cast member. (Four other Python founders--Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, and Eric Idle--were on the show's writing staff.) The thought of Barbara Goodson, Hel's English VA, channeling Cleese's devil is, to my mind, a tiny bit amusing.

Vignette 21 - The 2,000-Year-Old Guest Lecturer In-between missions for the Order of Heroes, activity within the confines of Castle Askr and its surrounding villages tended to vary among those who made up the Order's membership. Some honed their skills at the training grounds, others read away in the castle library, and then there were those who joined up with the clubs set up by a small committee of Heroes. For one Hero in particular, they felt there was something missing. Something...educational. For Seteth of Realm-X, the main advisor to Rhea, archbishop of the Church of Seiros, he sought to remedy that. After getting the go-ahead from Commander Anna and Kiran the Summoner, along with securing an auditorium within the castle, Seteth began what would be the first of a hopefully ongoing guest lecture and interview series. For the inaugural seminar, he posted a sign-up sheet for those who would want to attend, and strongly encouraged any Garreg Mach students who had been summoned to attend these as well. For the first guest he recruited, Seteth found him purely by chance while walking through the castle marketplace one day, overhearing him as he conversed with a couple of associates who were, respectively, a scholar and a merchant. His curiosity piqued, Seteth approached the fellow and offered him the speaking opportunity, to which the fellow gave a brief shrug and agreed. On the day of the seminar, the auditorium was filled not only with Garreg Mach students, but various Heroes of other realms. Seteth readied himself as he motioned to the audience for some quiet. Seteth: "*AHEM* Thank you all for coming to the first of what hopefully will be many guest speaker engagements here at Askr Castle. Although we know those among our fellow Heroes who are Manakete have lived considerably long times, for our inaugural guest speaker, I present to you--and I do not jest--a man who is supposedly 2,000 years old, and has travelled to many, many different places over the course of his lifetime. He has generously offered his time to allow us to pick his brain of what he's seen and experienced, so if anyone here in the audience has a question for the guest, or wishes to follow up on something they said, please raise your hand and stand up." While the audience murmured amongst themselves over this, Seteth nodded towards the other end of the stage, giving the guest his cue to come out. The man did so, revealing himself to the audience. The old man was short and balding, with a long gray beard that went down to his belly. He wore little round glasses that hung on his rather large nose, a dark blue robe, and socks under his brown sandals. The man took his proffered seat as Seteth sat on the stool provided for him. It was then that Seteth began his interview of the man, who briefly adjusted his glasses to get a good look at the audience. Seteth: "Sir, is it true that you are, in fact, 2,000 years old?" Old Man [wearily]: "Ooooh, boy...Yes." Seteth: "You are, indeed, a millennia old?" Old Man: "Yes indeed--you could say that I am a millennial, for lack of a better term." Seteth: "Forgive my need to clarify, it's just that, those of the Manakete race aside, in the history of humankind, no one has lived for more than 100 years, at the least--and yet you claim to be 2,000?" Old Man: "Will be, not yet. I'll be 2,000 come October 16th." Seteth: "Ah, so you will be 2,000. To further clarify, when were you born exactly?" Old Man: "Can't exactly pin it down--way back when, you've got to remember, we didn't have formal years and names and writing. We didn't know." (Seteth: "I see.") "Nobody kept track of time, see, we didn't know. We didn't write--we just sat around, pointed at the sky, and said 'Wow! Hot there! Wow!'" Seteth [slight sweat-drop by his head]: "That's all you said?" Old Man: "We didn't even know it was the Sun." Seteth: "You really didn't know anything." Old Man: "Not a thing--we were so dumb in those days. We didn't even know who was a lady--but they were, they were with us, but we didn't know who they were. We didn't know who were ladies and who were fellows." (At that point a hand rose up from the audience, which the Old Man then pointed to.) "Yeah, you there, the ginger boy with the rolled-up sleeves." (The owner of that hand, Garreg Mach student Sylvain (of the Blue Lion student house), proceeded to stand up.) Sylvain [scratching his head a bit]: "So, basically, you thought that they were just a different type of guy?" Old Man: "Yes, stronger or smaller or softer. The softer ones, I think, was the ladies the whole time." Sylvain: "Oh-kaaayyy....follow-up, how did you...find out?" (Sylvain's fellow Blue Lion, a slightly-miffed Ingrid, elbowed him in the gut, not enough to hurt him, but just to surprise him.) Old Man: "Well, they are cute--a fat guy, you could have mistaken him, soft and cute--" (As Sylvain sat down (with 'encouragement' from Ingrid), another hand rose as Sain of Realm-III stood up.) Sain: "Out of curiosity, who exactly was the person who discovered women?" (His fellow cavalier, Kent, facepalmed.) Old Man: "That would be Bernie." (A number of audience members looked towards another Garreg Mach student, Bernadetta of the Black Eagle house, who went wide-eyed on being supposedly singled out like this.) "No no, different Bernie, short for Bernard." ("Aaaah," the audience members said as they turned their attention back to the Old Man, to which Bernadetta breathed a sigh of relief.) Seteth [clearing his throat]: "On that note, who was this Bernie, in particular?" Old Man: "Bernie, he was one'a the first leaders of our, uh, our group." (Soleil, of the future of Realm-VI (her father, oddly enough, being Laslow, aka Inigo of Realm-I's far future), raised her hand as she stood up.) "Yes, the pinkette with the shoulder armor in the fourth row." Soleil: "So this Bernie 'discovered' the female?" Old Man: "Yeah, sure did." Soleil: "How did that happen?" Old Man: "He said, 'Hey, there's, there's ladies here'." Soleil: "Can you elaborate further? I'm quite interested in how Bernie discovered woman." Old Man: "Well, he...one morning, he got up smiling. So he said, 'I think there's ladies here'. So I ask, 'Well, whaddya mean, you know?' He then says, ''Cause in the night, I was thrilled and delighted, see?' So he went into such a story that, even hundreds of years later, I still blush." (By the time he finished that sentence, Soleil, and a good number of audience members, male and female, were blushing themselves. One audience member took initiative in trying to change the topic a bit, as Luthier, a Valentian mage from Realm-I's present, stood up with his hand halfway raised.) Luthier: "Sir, could you share with us the secret to your longevity?" Seteth: "A good question. I'd also like to know myself, if you don't mind." Old Man: "Not at all. Well, the major thing, the major thing, is that I never, ever touch fried food. I don't eat it, I wouldn't look at it, and I don't touch it. And, and I never run for a carriage, there's always another. Even if you're late for work, you know, I never run for a carriage. I never ran; I just stroll, jump it, slowly walk to the next carriage..." Seteth: "Of course, there were no carriages, let alone chariots, at the time." Old Man: "No, in my time, ah..." Seteth: "So what was your means of transportation back then?" Old Man: "Horses, and mostly fear." Seteth [quirking an eyebrow]: "Fear transported you?" Old Man: "Fear, yes--you could see a large, carnivorous animal; could be a lion, a tiger, a bear..." (In the audience, Realm-II's Deirdre uttered a quiet "Oh, my!".) "Whichever it was, it'd growl, and you and the horse you'd rode in on would be two miles a minute." Seteth: "I see. Changing subjects, I'd like to find out about the origination of certain social customs, and I know there are some in our audience who are just as curious as well." (He then nodded towards a hand that had just risen up, belonging to the songstress of Realm-VI, Azura.) Old Man: "Yes, the blue-haired bombshell with the flowing white gown." Azura: "Could you please tell us of the origins of singing?" Old Man: "Oh, that? It stems from fear." (Azura sported a puzzled look at this, as did Seteth and a number of musically-inclined Heroes in the audience.) Azura: "Could you explain that?" Old Man: "Well, in the old days--and I mean old days, well before the bards and instruments, I'm talking rocks and caves--song came about when you really had to communicate, but in trouble you couldn't say 'help', but you have to use your mouth. I mean, I would say 'help', they'd say 'good morning'. You really, you know you're in trouble, so somebody said 'HEEEEEHHH-EEEEELLLP!'" Azura [wincing a bit]: "...And that was the first song?" Old Man: "That's a note." Seteth [nodding]: "I see. In other words, fear again, correct?" Old Man: "I was singing." Seteth: "One would think usually happiness--" Old Man: "Oh, and the song came out of it-- A lion is eating my foot off--somebody call a constable!" (The Old Man repeats the 'lyric' a couple more times.) Seteth [looking to the audience]: "There you have it, the derivation of song. Moving on, what can you tell us about how the custom of two people shaking hands--the 'handshake'--came about?" Old Man: "The handshake? Well, as you know..." Seteth [quirking his eyebrow]: "(I don't, that's why I'm asking you.)" Old Man: "...The handshake also stemmed from fear." Seteth [confused, a sentiment shared by much of the audience]: "Hm--it seems like everything stemmed from fear." Old Man: "But of course--everything we do is based on fear." (At that moment, Realm-I's Caeda, who was next to her beloved Marth, stood up with a slightly-raised hand.) "Yes, the blue-haired cutie next to the blue-haired boyo." Caeda: "Even love?" Old Man [nodding]: "Mainly love." Caeda [sweat drop next to her head]: "How can love stem from fear?" Old Man: "Well, what do you need a man or a woman for? You know what you needed either for? In my time?" (Caeda: "Yes.") "To see if an animal is behind yourself. You had to have eyes in the back of your head." Caeda [still a bit perplexed]: "...I see." Old Man: "You only have two eyes, so you take along your wife, your husband, your partner, whatever. For instance, you'd say, 'Hey lady, would you look behind me for a little while?' And that was the first--the first marriages. 'What if you take a look behind me, ok?' 'How long you want?' 'Forever.' 'We're married.'" Caeda [scratching her head absentmindedly]: "So you...walked back-to-back for the rest of your life?" Old Man [nodding]: "Yes--you only looked at her (or him) once in a while." Caeda [guessing]: "When you knew you were safe?" Old Man: "When you knew you were on the high ground." Seteth [clearing his throat]: "So, the handshakes--they started how?" Old Man: "They started to see if a fellow had a rock or a dagger in his hand. For instance, you grab his hand--'Hi, Charlie.' You grab another guy's hand--'How ya doing, Berto?' Then you open it, and you look, and you shook another one." Seteth: "And that's the way the handshake started?" Old Man: "You had to shake it--they might've had a stone or a marble to stick in your eye." (It was then that Tethys of Realm-IV stood up with her hand raised.) "Yes, the lovely redhead with the puffy pants and pink shawl." Tethys: "How did dancing get started?" Old Man: "Dancing? Same thing." Tethys [a slight wry grin on her face]: "Fear, let me guess?" Old Man: "Just fear. The only thing you could do with a hand was to see if there was a rock or a marble or a nail or something that would stick in your head." Tethys: "Uh-huh..." Old Man: "BUT, you're only immobilizing one hand! Dancing is where you get to complete the immobilization. You dance, and you keep the feet busy so he can't get you." (Tethys nodded at this before she sat back down, keeping those details in the back of her mind for another day.) Seteth [steering the conversation in another direction]: "A common desire among most people is to live a long and fruitful life. You mentioned--" Old Man: "Fruit is good food, you mentioned. Fruit kept me going for 140 years once, when I, when I was on a very strict diet, mainly nectarines. (I love that fruit.)" (The Old Man took out a nectarine from somewhere within his beard to show.) "Half a peach, half a plum, such a hell of a fruit. It's not too cold, not too hot, you know, just nice." (Seteth: "What if...") "Even a rotten one--that's how much I love it. I'd rather eat a rotten nectarine than a fine plum, what do you think of that?" (Seteth: "I can understand that--") "Yes, that's how much I love 'em." (Seteth: "Yes, I can understand, sir.") "Some good things." (The hand of Merlinus from Realm-III then rose among the audience, which the Old Man noticed.) "Yes, bald guy with the mustache." Merlinus: "What I want to know is, what exactly did you do for a living?" Old Man [stroking his chin contemplatively]: "Well, hundreds of years ago, there wasn't a whole lot of what you'd call 'industry'." (Merlinus nodded his head.) "Most things that we made, most things that we ever made, were, uh, were just we'd take a piece of wood, and rub it, and rub it, and rub it, and rub it, then clean and look at it, and hit dirt with it, and hit a tree with it." Merlinus [perplexed]: "...For what purpose?" Old Man: "Just to keep busy. There was--there was absolutely nothing to do, had no job." Seteth: "What other occupations were there? Surely, there must have been something else besides hitting a tree with--" Old Man: "The knowledge, hitting a tree with a stick was already a good job. You couldn't get that job, you know?" Seteth: "What job--?" Old Man: "Mainly was sitting and looking at the sky--that was a big job. And another job was watching each other." Seteth: "*AHEM* Shifting topics again, what language did you and your people speak back then?" Old Man: "We spoke, eh...rock. Basic rock." Seteth: "Years before any known language?" Old Man: "Yes--200 years before even Hebrew was the rock language, the rock talk." (A brief murmur among the audience erupted over what exactly was 'Hebrew', with only the Summoner knowing it.) Seteth: "Could you give us an example of this language?" Old Man: "Yes, there's, ah, 'Hey, ah--don't you throw that rock at me!', or 'Hey, whaddya do with the rock?'." (A number of sweat drops emerged among the audience, Seteth included, on hearing this.) Seteth: "Could you give us an example or two of that other language you mentioned, this 'Hebrew'?" Old Man: "I would, but I--wait, wait, turns out I remember very little. Must've forgot a great deal of it. Maybe all, yes. Been hundreds and hundreds of years since I needed it." (At this point, the hand of the Anna from Realm-I's future rose as she stood up.) "Yes, the redhead with th' ponytail sitting on the aisle." Anna (Awakening😞 "Did you ever have any formal job as we know it today?" Old Man: "Well, yeah, I was an artisan--owned my own small shop." Anna (Awakening😞 "What kind of shop was it?" Old Man: "I had a--I used to make these, ah, the Goddess Icons." (The Old Man took out from somewhere on his person a small Goddess Icon.) "I was, ah, one of the first makers of these." (Anna (Awakening😞 "Making a little money?") "Yeah--soon as religion came in, I was one of the first in that. I figured this was a good thing." Anna (Awakening😞 "How did you make them--did you have tools?" Old Man: "Well, we didn't have a lathe. I employed six men, each assigned to carve out a different piece of the icon. One fer th' base, one fer th' body--and it was a quick and speedy operation, lemme tell you. We'd make three a day because of the many accidents." Seteth: "Did you never think of going into anything else?" Old Man: "Oh, no, I had an offer once. It came to me--Simon..." Seteth: "What did this Simon offer you?" Old Man: "Said he had a new thing, a new item, a winner, looks like a winning item, that was gonna be a big seller--'It's called a 'Naga's Tear'. And I looked at it and turned it over, looked in all sides of it, and I said, 'It's simple. It's too simple.' I didn't know then it'd be a big hit." Seteth: "You turned him down?" Old Man [nodding]: "I said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm too busy.' See, I could have let four men go, and have just two men work on these. Would say that I would--I would've earned more doing those Naga's Tears and everything." (Seteth: "Yes, certainly.") (At this point, the hand of Realm-VI's Nina came up.) "Yes, the little bowslinger with the twin braids." Nina [holding her trademark notebook, pencil at the ready]: "This might seem a bit personal, but, are you married?" Old Man: "I have been married several hundred times." [A very audible collective gasp erupted from the audience, as an astonished Nina nearly dropped her notebook.) Nina [jaw dropped]: "Several hundred times?!" Old Man [showing a staggering number of wedding bands on his fingers]: "Yes." Nina: "Uh...do you remember all your wives? (Or just partners, in general?)" Old Man: "One, I remember well." (Nina: "Which one was that?") "The third one, Shyla. I remember her well." Nina: "Oh-kaaaayyy...I'm sort of afraid to ask my follow-up, but since you've had--I'm still gobsmacked to say it--many hundreds of partners..." Old Man: "Hundreds and hundreds." Nina: "...But how many children do you have?" Old Man: "I have over forty-two-thousand children--" (Another audible collective gasp erupted from the audience...) "--and not one comes to visit me." (...Followed by the audience collectively going "Awwwww..." in sympathy.) Seteth [shaking his head]: "That is awful, sir. You mean to say that there isn't one child of yours--" Old Man: "There's many kids, but, but they, you know how they are, children--good luck to them, let 'em go, I don't wanna listen, let 'em be happy as long as they're happy, I don't care. But they could send a note, write 'How're you, Pop?', 'How're you doing, Pop?', you know? They don't." Seteth: "Moving along, you must have known some great people in your time, you did travel to--" Old Man: "I knew the greater and the near-greater." Seteth: "I believe some of our listeners would like to ask you about some of these--" Old Man [looking out at the audience]: "Certainly, I'll tell you the true, the true whether I knew or not." (At this point, Realm-V's Sanaki, empress of Begnion, stood up with her hand halfway raised.) "Yes, the little purple-headed cutie with the red headband." Sanaki: "Some from my particular realm are quite interested in the founding figures of our home continent of Tellius. One of them, specifically, being the swordswoman Altina, the founder and first ruler of Begnion." Old Man [wistful]: "Ah, what a beauty..." Sanaki [surprised]: "You knew Altina?" Old Man: "Knew her? I went for her!" Sanaki: "Strange, most texts we have don't mention her having had an early lover." Old Man: "Well, they don't print everything." Sanaki: "How long were you together?" Old Man: "Not very long. Didn't even get a chance to ask her to marry me, since she was on a mission for that Ashera lady. She used to say to me, she used to say to me, 'I must save Tellius!'. I used to say to her, 'Look, I've got to wash up, you save Tellius. See you later after you save Tellius. I'll wash up, you know." (In the audience, a slightly-embarrassed Altina, blushing a bit, twiddled her thumbs as she opted to find a spot on the ceiling quite interesting at that moment.) Sanaki: "How did you feel after she and her allies won and she went on to found Begnion?" Old Man: "A bit terrible--I missed my chance wit' her. I wished her luck, don't get me wrong, but it stung a bit after she got together with that other fellow, ah, what was his name...Larry? Lorenzo...?" Sanaki [a tiny bit befuddled]: "Um...Lehran?" Old Man [snapping his fingers]: "Bingo, that's it, Lehran! Pretty fellow, I'll admit. She made quite a catch." [The old man squinted a bit in Sanaki's direction.] "Huh, that long-haired monk sitting next to you kind of looks like the guy, now that I think about it..." (Said monk, Sephiran (who was, in fact, secretly Lehran), nervously twiddled his thumbs while whistling idly, only to quietly breath a sigh of relief once most eyes were off him, chalking up the old man's words to mere coincidence. Once Sanaki sat back down, Realm-II's Brigid stood up with her hand raised.) Brigid: "Sir, how about the legendary Twelve Crusaders of Jugdral--for example, the bowmaster Ullr?" Old Man: "Oh, yeah, lovely woman--ran around in the forest, beautiful mane of hair that went down right to her legs, it was quite a sight." (In another part of the audience, Ullr herself blushed at the compliment, rubbing her head absent-mindedly.) Brigid: "There's been a long unconfirmed rumor that, among her deeds, she stole from greedy, rich folk and gave to the poor--is any of that true?" Old Man: "One-hundred percent. And when those same rich folk tried to hit her with a smear campaign--said she stole everything and kept everything--she responded in kind. She had a fella, Marty--Marty the press agent--run tales of her noble deeds in all the major scrolls. 'She takes from the rich and gives to the poor!' Who knew? If you were a big shot in those days who looked down on all the little people, you knew you took such a knock in the head when she robbed you--wouldn't knock her down." Brigid: "I see. Thank you, we appreciate you helping my people rest a bit easier knowing this." Old Man: "Well, I'm happy to help you rest easier." (As Brigid sat down, L'Arachel of Realm-IV stood up with her own hand raised.) "Yes, the greenie with the staff." L'Arachel: "Perhaps you can shed light on one of the legendary figures of my own home continent of Magvel--Saint Latona, the founder of my kingdom, the theocracy of Rausten?" Old Man: "Oh, what a pussycat..." L'Arachel [perplexed]: "You're saying you knew--?" Old Man: "A pussycat. Oh, that little beard, that hairdo of his...and smart, boy was he smart..." L'Arachel: "*AHEM* I guess you would agree that he, in addition to being the guiding light of Magvel's Five Heroes, was also a very great writer--" Old Man [waving his hands dismissively]: "Oh no, hey, hold up--he was small." L'Arachel [confused]: "Er, what do you mean? You just affirmed he was great..." (Old Man [wearily]: "Oh, boy!") "...And I stated he was great--" Old Man: "No, ma'am--a smart man and a pussycat." L'Arachel: "But...not a great writer?" Old Man: "Not a good writer at all. Saint Latona was not a good writer, no." L'Arachel [astonished]: "But-but his writings are considered Magvel's greatest works--" Old Man: "You ever see the original folios?" L'Arachel: "Are you saying they were edited by someone else--?" Old Man: "Never mind the editing, did you see the folios?" L'Arachel: "Well, no, I've personally never seen them. Are you saying you--?" Old Man: "I have, indeed, seen them--you wanna see how they are? They're blots! You had an 'L' that looked like a 'T', or an 'M' you didn't know if it was an 'M', or an 'O' that could be a 'P'--every letter was cockeyed and crazy. Don't tell me he was a good writer--he had the worst penmanship I ever saw in my life." L'Arachel [awestruck]: "...Huh. I never knew...Be that as it may, his works are still considered the most-widely read on Magvel, all thirty-seven of them." Old Man: "Thirty-eight." L'Arachel [confused]: "What--? But I only know of thirty-seven." (She took out a small rolled-up piece of paper and unfurled it, walked up to the stage, and held it up for the old man.) "On looking at this list of the aforementioned works, can you confirm that there's one that should be there?" Old Man [adjusting his glasses]: "Yes, I can." L'Arachel: "And that would be...?" Old Man: "The fable of Lady Alexandra and Murray." (L'Arachel looked at him, wide-eyed.) "Never heard of it, I take it? It takes place in the land that would become the mercantile republic of Carcino." L'Arachel: "Is there--is there any copy of this in existence?" Old Man: "This is a written work that I put invested money in." Seteth [wanting to get his two cents in]: "I'm assuming this is probably the only one that didn't come to light." Old Man: "Come to light? It closed in Darkling Woods!" L'Arachel [now curious]: "...Do you remember any quotes from 'Lady Alexandra and Murray'?" Old Man: "Yes, uuuuhhhh....'Lady Alexandra turned to Murray and said, 'Oh, Murray, what could it have been that I have seen? Is it not in my bones? Are we not one in of ourselves?' And he would say to her, 'What are you hollering? What are you hollering?'. That'd wake up the whole castle, you know?" (L'Arachel, nodding and having felt as satisfied as she could be with his answers, returned to her seat. Following that, the freelancer Xane of Realm-I stood up with his hand raised.) "Yes, the fellow with the wings on his head." Xane: "Yes, my question is, what did you do 2,000 years ago to entertain each other?" (Old Man [getting up to do a little jig]: "Walk and wing...") "Actually, what I mean is, was there anyone equivalent to jesters--" Old Man: "Oh, sure, we had 'em." Xane: "Do you remember any of them?" Old Man: "Sure, let me see...I remember one real funny guy, gave us some laughs, we were hysterical." Xane: "Well, who was he?" Old Man: "Morrie the Nut. Oh, did he gave us a laugh...A tiger came in the cave one afternoon, sauntered in, uninvited, naturally. (Nobody asked how a tiger did walk in.) So the tiger came in, and Morrie, you know, the jokester, the tummler, you know, the nut--he jumps up and grabs the tiger by the tail, and he goes 'Yahaa! Yahaa! Yahaa!', and the tiger turned around and ate him in under a minute--and did we get hysterical, laughing and laughing..." (For most of the audience, shocked looks adorned their faces, as they didn't consider someone being eaten by a wild beast to be much of a laughing matter.) Seteth: "Er, ah, sir--that's not very humorous." Old Man: "Well, what did we have, passion plays, then? That's what we had." Seteth: "Still, it seems terrible--" Old Man: "That was the best we had, 'Morrie the Nut takes a tiger'." Xane: "That was entertainment?" Old Man: "Yes." Xane: "I don't know--seems more befitting of the realm of tragedy rather than comedy. How did you tell them apart?" Old Man: "It's all about point of view--to me, tragedy is, uh, is...if I cut my finger, that's a tragedy. It bleeds, and I cry, and I run around, and I'll go to my physician for a day and a half, and I'm very nervous about it. To me, comedy is if you walk into a hole in the ground that's somebody's compost pile, and, uh--what do I care? That's comedy!" (Xane, somewhat satisfied, sat back down as Seteth spoke up.) Seteth: "*AHEM* Now, sir, in your 2,000 years of life, you've no doubt seen a lot of changes in the world." Old Man [nodding]: "I certainly have." Seteth: "What would you consider to be the biggest change you've ever seen?" Old Man: "In two thousand years, the greatest thing mankind ever devised I think, in my humble opinion...is the broom." (The jaws of most of the audience collectively dropped on hearing this.) "You can clean with it, you can pretend it's a horse, you can use it as a means to defend yourself--it's very, very versatile, that thing is." Seteth [gobsmacked]: "You...you would equate it with humanity's discovery and development of organized writing systems?" Old Man: "Well, that was good, that was good too." (Seteth did a double-take from the old man to the audience and back.) Seteth [a tiny bit nervous]: "Well, sir, we appear to not have much more time left, so as a final question, we all here would like to know your personal code, your credo." Old Man: "Well...all right. Is this it? The closing remarks?" Seteth [nodding]: "The closing remarks, indeed." Old Man [standing up and addressing the audience]: "Hello there, all--this is 2,000 years talking to you, from the depths of back there when we was, now I'm still and they not--and I just wanna say: keep a smile on your face...and stay out of the way of a well-trained mustang--stay out of their way...I wanna tell you that it's been, it's been a wonderful 2,000 years, and you've been a wonderful civilization, and it's been a thrill living for 2,000 years...and eat a nectarine, it's the best food ever made!" With that, the seminar ended as the audience applauded the old man, strange as he was. The old man took his bows, took out a nectarine from somewhere within his beard, and proceeded to bite into it as he exited the stage. **Author's Note(s)** Dedicated to the memory of longtime Mel Brooks collaborator and comedy legend Carl Reiner. The dialogue and description of the titular old man are based upon the 1975 animated TV special adaptation of the classic comedy routine.

Vignette 20 - A Bridge Too Far (for Comedy) *And now, an additional crossover with...Ranma 1/2?! (HOW?!)* Kiran was heading to meet up with Anna and the Askr royal siblings so they could organize the squad of Heroes accompanying them on their latest mission: to seek out a supposed enchanter shrouded in rumor. As he walked down the hall in Castle Askr, he was approached by one Hero in particular: Sophia, a lavender-garbed, lavender-haired, lavender-eyed, half-draconic shaman from Realm-III. "Summoner...? May I...speak with you for a moment?" Sophia asked. "Huh?" Kiran said, slightly surprised. "Oh, sorry about that, Sophia--nearly startled me a little. Sure, what's up?" "You know about my...minor precognitive ability, correct?" the shaman asked. "Certainly," Kiran replied. "What of it?" "I received a brief vision today...regarding your upcoming mission..." Sophia elaborated. "I needed to inform you, post-haste." Kiran nodded, knowing that Sophia's future sight skills were on-par, even above those of the ice dragon siblings, Ninian and Nils, who also hailed from her realm. "What did it tell you?" "That which you seek..." Sophia began to explain, "...lies beyond a place known colloquially as the 'Bridge of Death'...the only means by which to cross over what is known...as the 'Gorge of Eternal Peril'. Aside from those two things...whatever party you organize, be sure to include three fliers, at most. That is all I can provide for you." "I see. Thanks, Sophia," Kiran said with sincere gratitude. "I'll pass it along to Commander Anna and the Askr royals." Sophia nodded as she went on her way. "I appreciate your thanks..." she said. "...And wish you the best of luck." Two hours later... Kiran, Anna, Alfonse, Sharena, and their squad of Heroes arrived at the location Sophia had seen in her vision. On the way, during a brief stopover in a small village, Kiran had gathered additional information just to be on the safe side regarding the place. The group was in a rocky, mountainous area with a mist that hung over it, and ahead of them lay their destination. The group of Heroes for this mission consisted of the troubadour Maribelle and the pegasus knight Cynthia, from the future and further future, respectively, of Realm-I; the Sacaean swordsman Guy and the Illian pegasus knight Fiora of Realm-III; Innes, the bow-slinging prince of Freilia, and the Manakete Myrrh from Realm-IV; and lastly, from Realm-X, two students from the Black Eagle house of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy, Ferdinand and Petra. "Well, there it is, people..." Kiran stated as he pointed to the sight before them. "The 'Bridge of Death'." Indeed, in front of the Heroes was an old, decrepit rope bridge that appeared to be on the verge of collapse; why and how it still stood, no one knew. "*Hmph!* What a sorry excuse for a bridge," Maribelle haughtily commented. "The standards for maintaining infrastructure must be quite paltry in these parts." "Let's remain vigilant, folks," Anna warned. "The state of the bridge isn't the only thing we have to worry about." "What else is there for us to be keeping our eyes open?" Petra asked. "The keeper of the bridge," Alfonse answered as he warily looked about. "He'll ask each of us five questions--" "Three questions," Sharena reminded her brother. "--Three questions," Alfonse said as he continued. "Those who answer the five questions--" "Three questions," Sharena again reminded him. "--Three questions," Alfonse said, with a mild sigh, "may cross safely." Cynthia slightly raised her hand before she asked, with slight worry, "Erm...what if we get a question wrong?" Kiran and Alfonse briefly, warily looked to one another, before the former answered her. "...You get cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril." Hearing that made Cynthia blanch. "Now, hold on--that's why we brought you three fliers with us, to keep us from meeting our fates prematurely. You, Fiora, and Petra are our contingency plan." Cynthia, along with Fiora and Petra, nodded in understanding as they quickly mounted their pegasi in anticipation. "All right then...who's going first?" Innes immediately stepped forward. "I'll go," he said with every inch of self-assurance. "There's no way I'll get any of the questions wrong. I'll stake my pride on it." With that, he began walking towards the bridge. "Good luck, Prince Innes," Myrrh said as he passed her. "Tch--I don't need luck," Innes said before he was a few feet from the bridge's entrance. At that instant, twin bursts of fire exploded before him and the others, and from the smoke, a new face appeared. "STOP!" they commanded, with a slight ominous echo in their voice. "Those who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see!" When the smoke dissipated fully, Innes and the others got a good look at the source of the voice, and when they did, they found themselves dumbfounded by who it was. Sitting atop a large rock to the side of the bridge's entrance was a tiny old man, balding with white hair and a pencil-thin mustache. He was wearing a dark maroon martial arts gi, little wood sandals, and was smoking a little pipe. He had a look on his face that just screamed 'lecherous', enough that it would make even the likes of Sain, Saul, Virion, Sylvain, and Lorenz--some of the self-described 'ladies' men' of the Order of Heroes--cringe. Of all the Heroes present, it was the Summoner who immediately recognized the old man. "HAPPOSAI?!?!" he said, identifying the old man in a shocked tone of voice. He then looked in our direction and quickly made a 'T' sign with his hands. "CUT!" While the production was paused temporarily, the Summoner walked over to the old man, eyebrows narrowed. "Okay, you--what're you doing here?!" Happosai took a few puffs of his pipe before he answered. "Well, sonny-boy, you'll remember that my little run-in with the superwomen of Tokyo-3* ended with me being literally kicked out by Takahashi-san. Turns out she kicked a little harder than she wanted, 'cause I must've broken through another dimensional barrier and landed in this place." He then gave Kiran a look that indicated he wasn't very amused by his present situation. "Fortunately for you (ya lucky brat), the nature of this universe has mostly kept me from going about my usual pastimes, especially when I found myself roped into taking this position after the last guy got cast into the Gorge. Now, can we get this thing going again? We're holding up the plot." Kiran let out a slightly-exasperated sigh as he ran a hand across his face wearily. "Fine--but I'm watching you..." he warned before he returned to his place on the set. On facing our direction, he signaled for the production to resume. "ACTION!" Innes faced the old man with a determined expression. "Ask me your questions, bridge-keeper--you'll see I show no fear." Happosai nodded as he proceeded to do just that. "What...is your name?" "Prince Innes, of the Kingdom of Freilia," Innes replied. "What...is your quest?" "To seek the enchanter who lives beyond these mountains." "What...is your favorite color?" "Green." Happosai then sported a slightly-jovial look, before saying, "All right then--off you go." Innes became highly surprised by this, as did the others. "Huh. Thank you, I guess. (Rather anticlimactic, if I do say so...)" With that, Innes slowly, carefully made his way across the bridge, grasping its sides as he did, until he reached the other side. The sight of this seemed to convince the others this might not be much of a challenge. "Well, now--this appears to be simpler than we'd previously thought," Ferdinand commented, a highly-confident air about him as he dismounted his horse and, lance in-hand, walked up to the old man. "STOP!" Happosai commanded as he held his hand out. "Those who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see!" "Ask away, bridge-keeper," Ferdinand said in turn. "I've nothing to be afraid of!" Happosai smirked as he proceeded to ask the questions. "What...is your name?" "I am Ferdinand von Aegir!" After introducing himself, the red-haired noble youth looked in our direction for a brief moment. "There, I said the thing--happy now?" he muttered before returning his focus to the bridge-keeper. "What...is your quest?" "To seek the enchanter who lives beyond these mountains." "What...is your favorite thing to eat...on Tuesdays?" "A pheasant roast with berry sauce," Ferdinand answered, before remembering something at that moment. "No, wait, I forgot, it's actually saghert and creEEEEAAAMMM...!!!!" Just as he was getting those words out, Ferdinand found himself launched skyward by some unseen force, much to the shock of his comrades. Kiran quickly took command of the situation before panic could set in. "Don't worry, this is just what we prepared for," he said before turning to Ferdinand's fellow student. "Petra!" Quickly nodding, Petra and her pegasus swiftly flew into the air in the direction of the falling Ferdinand, catching him before he was halfway down. Ferdinand was holding on to the back of the winged horse for dear life as they set down back on the ground beside the others. "It is all right, Ferdinand," Petra said to help calm her classmate down. "We are now being back on the ground, you can let go..." Turning her attention from Ferdinand being coaxed off of the back of Petra's steed, Maribelle determinedly stepped forward. "Very well, it falls to me to succeed where my fellow noble could not..." She soon was face-to-face with Happosai. "STOP!" the old man commanded again. "What...is your name?" "Lady Maribelle of the Themis Dukedom," the blonde troubadour replied in her trademark upper-crust manner. "What...is your quest?" "To seek the enchanter." "What...is your cup size?" Maribelle's eyes bugged out as a very luminescent blush appeared on her face. "Wha--wha-what the-how DARE you!" she yelled in equal parts fury and embarrassment as she instinctually covered her chest with her arms. "What does that have to do with anythiIIIIINNNNNGGGG?!" As the words left her lips, like Ferdinand before her, she too found herself unexpectedly airborne. "Oh boy..." Kiran muttered. "Cynthia!" "On it!" the young pegasus knight replied quickly before she and her steed were soon skyward, where they intercepted Maribelle just as she thought of trying to use her parasol like a parachute. With the troubadour on her pegasus's back, Cynthia breathed a sigh of relief as she guided them back to the others. Maribelle, on dismounting, gave Happosai a look of visceral disdain. Kiran, on the other hand, simply glared at the old grandmaster, who cheekily grinned in return. "I did say the nature of this universe MOSTLY kept me in check, heh heh," Happosai said with a chuckle. Guy, swallowing, decided to chance it himself and stepped forward, his hand on the hilt of his sword. "STOP!" Happosai commanded. "What...is your name? "Guy, of the Kutolah clan," Guy answered, warily eying the martial artist. "What...is your quest?" "To seek out the enchanter." "What...is the type of sword used by Goemon Ishikawa XIII?" Guy's eyes widened in confusion at the question he was just presented. "...Who??" Since he was unable to answer correctly, like his comrades before him, Guy was then launched screaming into the air. Kiran gave himself a facepalm before giving the order to save him. "*Sigh* Fiora!" Before the last vowel even left his lips, Fiora and her pegasus were already airborne and had managed to catch a very appreciative Guy, returning with him back to the group's position, Happosai cackling as he watched the whole spectacle unfold, earning him glares from the group. It was Anna who decided enough was enough. "Stand back--I know just how to deal with this," she said as she stepped forward to face Happosai. "STOP!" he commanded yet again. "What...is your name?" "Commander Anna of the Order of Heroes," the redheaded axe-wielder replied. "What...is your quest?" "To seek the enchanter." "What...is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" Happosai asked, a pronounced smirk on his face. Anna, at first, said nothing...before a knowing grin graced her lips. "African or European swallow?" she asked in reply. Happosai's smirk vanished as he grew confused by this response. "How the hell should I know?!" he asked irritably, before covering his mouth with his hands on realizing his mistake. "Oh, craAAAAAA---!!!" Happosai soon was sent flying, the Heroes watching as his disappearing figure fell further and further into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. All eyes turned to Kiran, as they gave him inquisitive looks. "...Shouldn't we have saved him?" Sharena asked. Kiran shrugged before answering her. "Nah, it's fine. Besides, the guy's survived worse. He's like a cockroach, in the sense that he's extremely hard to get rid of. But for now...I don't think he'll be bothering us for a while. Anyway, I think the coast is clear, so we might as well get across the bridge. Myrrh, if you could help with Maribelle and Ferdinand's horses...?" The next few minutes consisted of the Heroes carefully making their way across the bridge, with the pegasus knights flying across the gorge and Myrrh, in her dragon form, carefully carrying the non-winged horses in her claws. Once all had joined up with the waiting Innes on the other side, they were on their way to continue their search for the enchanter. As they walked, Kiran took a moment to speak with Anna. "How'd you know--?" he started to ask, only for Anna to beat him to the punch with her answer. "I have a sister in Realm-VII," she said with a smile on her face, referring to the world Itsuki and Tsubasa, along with three other Heroes, came from. "Since it's the one most similar to your world, she's been a big help in me getting better acquainted with the terminology you throw around. Once mentioned something like this happening in one of those--what'd you call them?--'movies'." "Huh. Makes sense," Kiran said in turn. Meanwhile, back on the other side of the bridge, a short, nondescript fellow with a bushy mustache came out of the shack he lived in, and gave the entrance to the bridge a bit of a look-over. Scratching his head a bit, he then grumbled to himself as he went back to the shed to fetch something. When he returned to the entrance, he hammered a sign into the ground next to the rock Happosai was sitting on. Printed on it, with an arrow pointing towards the man's shack, was the following: Bridge-keeper Wanted Great hours, pay, and benefits! Make all inquiries within. **Author's Note(s)** Featuring: Paul Dobson as the 'bridge-keeper'. *See "Superwomen of EVA: Earth's Mightiest, United" on FanFiction.net and Sufficient Velocity.

Well, folks, after 655 views at last count--whaddya think? Any improvement needed? Any suggestions for future vignettes? I'm all ears.

Vignette 19 - The Summoner's Battalion On an unassuming day, Kiran was walking through Askr's castle town, conversing with a couple of mercenary members of the Order of Heroes: Realm-IV's Gerik and Realm-X's Jeralt, both mercenary troop leaders and both making a small re-supply run. It was while they were conversing that Kiran noticed a rather new sight in the middle of the market square, as there was a stall he hadn't seen before. When Jeralt looked towards where Kiran's gaze was directed, he recognized the kind of stall it was. "Well what do you know? Commander Anna actually took my suggestion," the veteran lancer and horseman commented gruffly. "What suggestion?" Gerik asked. "In my realm, back at the monastery," Jeralt explained, "the marketplace had a battalion guild. Through them, you could hire a squad or replenish the one you have following you for a fee. I figured it might be something worth offering here in Askr, so I brought the idea up with the Commander. From the looks of it, they must've set up shop recently." "Huh. Might be worth giving a try," Kiran said as he walked towards the stall. "I've always wanted to do more on the battlefield, maybe having a battalion handy would help." Once he got to the stall, he didn't see anyone minding it, at first. Once he rang the small bell on the counter, that soon changed as he was greeted by an older, slightly portly man with slicked back hair, a thin mustache, and a wide, toothy grin. "Eeyeeeeessssssss?" the man asked, startling Kiran with his sudden appearance. Oh, great, the Summoner thought to himself sardonically. Even in a multiverse like this, they have 'Frank Nelson-types'. "Er, are you the guildmaster here?" "NO, I just set this up so I'd have a better vantage point while people-watching," the proprietor smarmily replied. Gerik and Jeralt, on seeing this interaction, sweat-dropped. "Not like any guildmaster I've ever met," Gerik noted. "Same here," Jeralt concurred with a nod. "What can I do for you today?" the grinning guildmaster asked Kiran. "Uh, right--I was thinking of hiring a battalion," the Summoner answered. "Well, you're in luck," the guildmaster started to say, "As this is our opening week, we have a low-priced introductory offer for first-timers with one of our more...specialized battalions." Kiran arched a skeptical eyebrow at this. "...Specialized, how?" "They're an...eccentric bunch, but an effective bunch! The finest to come out of Sherwood," the guildmaster said. "Feedback average of four to four-and-a-half stars, all-around." Kiran looked to the two mercenary leaders behind him, who only offered him a couple of shrugs, before facing the guildmaster. "All right, let me see their dossier..." Before the guildmaster could reply, Anna suddenly ran up to Kiran. "Thank goodness I found you!" she told the summoner, before giving the guildmaster a quick glimpse. "Oh, hey there, Uncle," she greeted with a small wave. "Anna!" the guildmaster replied with a grin and a small wave of his own. "How's my favorite niece today?" Kiran grew surprised by this little detail, doing a double-take from the guildmaster to Anna. "Wait, you're related?" he asked, pointing between the two. "Later! Right now, you're needed!" Anna exhorted. "Some Emblian troops have captured one of our outposts. I've already assembled some Heroes to go help free it, we just need you to join us so we can move out!" "Right, understood," Kiran said before quickly taking out some gold from his person. "Mister, sign me up," he affirmed as he handed the gold to the guildmaster. "Better to have some 'insurance' in case of emergency." "Splendid!" the guildmaster said as he handed a peculiar-looking whistle to Kiran. "Once Anna gives me the location of where you're headed, I'll send them your way. When the need for them arises, just blow this whistle to call them in. Good luck! And remember to rate your experience--your feedback is important to us, after all." The battle site, some time later... The squad of Heroes, which also included Jeralt and Gerik among their number after Kiran asked them to lend a hand, engaged the Emblian troops as they fought to reclaim the outpost. The battle was pitched, with the Emblians having a slight edge due to their numbers. "We need an upset here, and we need it now!" Anna said as she deflected an arrow with her axe. Kiran gave the whistle around his neck a brief glance, before deciding it was now or never. "Coming right up," he said before taking the whistle in his fingers and blowing into it with a loud *THWEEEEE*, surprising both sets of combatants. "Battalion, attack!" The battlefield grew quiet at that moment as those on either side looked around confusedly. It was a sentiment echoed on the Summoner's face. "...I said, battalion, attack!" he shouted again. Finally, the sound of footsteps could be heard, causing all present on the battlefield to turn towards the source. When they did, all eyes grew wide with confused surprise at the group who arrived, none more so than Kiran's. The group was made up of a dozen men all clad in a most unusual uniform. Said uniform was made up of a collared white shirt with slightly billowy sleeves (save for one fellow who had apparently torn off his below the bicep), brown vests over the shirt held together by leather belts (each with a doublet attached), and brown mini boots. Most notably though, the men also wore green bycocket hats with a single feather sticking out of the left side...and forest-green leggings. The largest of the men, with long, blonde hair and a beard, brown leather bracers on his forearms, and the aforementioned torn sleeves, was hopping a bit as he tried to adjust his leggings. "Sorry 'bout that, bossman!" the man apologized. "Needed to get changed an' all that! (Blimey, these are hard to get on.) Let's face it, you gotta be a man to wear tights!" Kiran could hear some of the Emblian troops barely hide their chuckles, which caused him to facepalm. (It didn't help that even those among the Heroes giggled a tiny bit.) And we're doomed... "Sir?" the large fellow asked Kiran as he turned around a little. "How're me seams?" Kiran, a tiny bit dumbfounded, reluctantly gave the back of the man's legs a quick look, before giving him a couple of (half-hearted) thumbs up. "Um...perfect?" The large man grinned on hearing that. "Heh--every time!" he said, unaware of Kiran's tone. It was then that the dozen men soon got into formation, while music began to play in the background as they marched towards the Emblian troops--singing as they did... Battallion: We're men, we're men in tights! [The men make 'searching' gestures as they get closer to the Emblians.] We roam around the forest looking for fights... We're men, we're men in tiiights-- We rob from the rich, then give to the poor, that's right! We may look like sissies... [The men point at the Emblians.] But watch what you say, or else we'll put out your lights! [The men then proceed to swiftly punch the Emblians in the face, knocking them out cold as they fell on their backs. Those not the battalion grew completely shocked by this.] We're men, we're men in tights-- Always on guard, defending the people's rights! [The men then assemble into a kickline and make their way towards the Emblian cavalry units. Their kicks send the riders flying off their mounts.] Laaa, la la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la [From there, they shift into a side-stepping routine while waving their hands, which turn out to be karate chops that serve to knock out the enemy mages.] Laaa, la la la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la La la la la We're men (manly men!) [The men flex their arms.], we're men in tights! [The men do the 'I'm hot' pose.] (Yesssss!) [The men make 'searching' gestures as they get closer to the Emblians.] We roam around the forest looking for fights... We're men, we're men in tiiights-- We rob from the rich, then give to the poor, that's right! We may look like pansies... [The men mockingly 'flutter' the lower ends of their vests like skirts, before pointing at the Emblians.] But don't get us wrong, or else we'll put out your lights! [The men then proceed to swiftly punch another round of Emblians in the face, knocking them out cold.] We're men, we're men in tights--(Tight tights!) [The men cinch their tights, which causes the Emblian pegasus knights, clerics, and troubadours to faint.] Always on guard, defending the people's riiights! When you're in a fix, just call for the men in tiiiiights! [The men quickly get into a 'flexing' pose.] (WE'RE BUTCH!) Kiran and the Heroes just stood there, gobsmacked, at what they'd just borne witness to, with the results speaking for themselves, as the Emblian troops were all out cold. Thanks to a battalion the Summoner had hired only just today. Through song-and-dance. Kiran did a double-take from the whistle in his fingers to the battalion and back. "Huh. Best gold I ever spent..." The feedback he left for the guildmaster that day was overwhelmingly positive, and from there...Askr's battalion guild got busier and busier...

Vignette 18 - A Beastly Spelunking We Will Go In a far off part of the realm, a group of Heroes led by Kiran and Sharena entered the mouth of a mysterious cave, intent on investigating the rumors of a hidden network of tunnels connecting Askr to Embla. Comprising the group were Prince Xander of Nohr and Prince Ryoma of Hoshido, both from Realm-VI; Maria, healer and youngest princess of Macedon from Realm-I; Miriel, scholarly mage with an impressive vocabulary and 'rapier intellect' from Realm-I's future; and a trio of denizens from Realm-III in the form of the young mage Nino, her distant cousin Canas (a shaman as scholarly as Miriel), and Jaffar, who like Nino was a former member of the assassin group known as the Black Fang. The group ventured carefully into the cave, Miriel using a controlled Fire spell to provide lighting as they entered deeper and deeper. At one point, a strange sound was heard by all that made Maria and Nino especially shudder. "Wh-what was that?" Nino asked, eyes shifting nervously. "Th-think there m-m-might be something else in here?" Maria added worriedly. "In all likelihood, just a minor gust of air being filtered through the cave system echoing against the tunnel walls due to the particular acoustic environment we presently are walking through," Miriel answered in as straightforward fashion as she could. A beat passed between Nino and Maria as they took in the older mage's words. "S-sure," Nino said, trying to reassure herself, "that works!" Maria nodded in agreement. "Even if there is someone or something hostile here," Jaffar gravely said as he briefly felt the daggers sheathed in his belt, "I will eliminate it before it can even take another breath." Nino gave Jaffar a small, appreciative smile. "Thanks, Jaffar," she said. "I know you can." "The same goes for us," Ryoma chimed in as he briefly touched the hilt of his legendary sword as his hip. "Indeed," Xander added. "Rest assured, we will protect the lot of you should we encounter danger along this route." At that moment, Sharena and Kiran took notice of something up ahead of the group. "Hey, guys, over there!" Sharena called out as she pointed towards a wall. The others could soon see what had gotten hers and the Summoner's attention, as there was some writing carved into the surface. "Miriel, Canas, you're the two smartest of us here-any idea what it says? Or at least what language it's in?" The mage and the shaman stepped forward to examine the writing thoroughly. Canas adjusted his monocle before he spoke. "Ah, it's coming to me now-this is in a language I read about in Castle Askr's library. I believe it was called 'Aramaic'." "Named in part for one Joseph of Arimathea," Miriel added, having also looked through the same sources as Canas. "While not my usual field of study, the phonetics that make up the language are a rather interesting sequence of-" "Er, maybe later, Miriel," Kiran said in an effort to keep the mage from going into 'long-winded' mode in her explanation. "Right now, can either of you tell us what it says?" Miriel adjusted her glasses before she started reading the carved writing aloud. "It says 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail-'" Xander and Ryoma exchanged a quizzical look on hearing this. "What's a 'Holy Grail'?" Ryoma pondered. "Remind me to fill you in another time," Kiran answered briefly. "'-in the Castle of aaarrrrggh'," Miriel finished, only to become confused by what she'd just read. The feeling was mutual among the rest of the party. "The Castle of what?" Maria asked, scratching her head. Canas cleaned off his monocle before he read the last line aloud. "Apparently, 'the Castle of aaarrrrggh'." "Oh-kaaaayyyy...really, what is it?" Sharena asked in a skeptical tone of voice. "Sounds as if he died while carving it into the rock," Jaffar put forward. Nino's eyes widened a bit on hearing this as she looked to her friend. "Y-you think so?" "Not much else to go on, I'm afraid," Canas affirmed. "It says what it says." "Though, if he were dying," Miriel surmised, "why bother carving 'aarrggh' instead of just vocalizing it?" "And yet, there it is, literally written in stone," Sharena said. "Perhaps he was dictating?" Canas offered. Xander narrowed his eyes at the writing. "Are you sure there isn't anything else written?" he asked skeptically. Miriel and Canas both shook their heads. "Nothing else," Canas said. "Just 'aaarrrrggh'." Maria tried vocalizing the word to see how it sounded. "Aaaauugggh." Sharena followed with her own attempt. "Aarrrggh." Both girls looked to one another and shrugged. "Do you suppose he meant to say Aaaaarrrgo?" Miriel posed. "What's that?" Xander asked. "Something I read about in another text in the castle library," the bespectacled mage replied. "A great ship that carried an ancient band of warriors to a strange island in search of something called the 'Golden Fleece'." "No, that doesn't sound right..." Ryoma said as he began speculating. "Canas, don't you have a place in your realm called 'Aaaarrrcadia'? Where your comrade Hawkeye is from?" "Yes, though it's just two 'A's' and one 'r' in the name," Canas answered. "Right, makes more sense," Ryoma said in turn. A slight noise suddenly got Maria and Nino's attention as they looked behind the group. What they saw made their eyes grow wide with fright. "Oooohoohohooo-!" both girls let out fearfully. "No, no, 'Aaaauugggh'," Xander corrected them, "as if it were coming from the back of the throat, 'Aaauugh'." "Nonononono-!" Maria said as she fervently shook her head. "'Ooooooooh', as in surprise and alarm!" "Oh, sort of like a 'aaaah!'," Miriel stated. "Y-yes, but it's-" Nino started to say, before deciding to just cut it with the shtick and tell everyone to "Just turn around, will you?!" At that, the rest of the group turned around to see what the girls were looking at, only for them to go wide-eyed with shock (even Jaffar, who was known to be generally fearless) at the sight that greeted them with a brief but loud roar (accompanied by a dramatic chord). Standing before the party was a large, two-legged, almost reptilian-looking creature with a short tail, sharp talons on each toe, a mouth full of long, sharp teeth, two very big horns on either side of its head, a tuft of spiky hair atop its scalp, weirdly-shaped ears, and most disturbingly, twenty-one eyes that gazed upon the terrified Heroes. This was the source of the noise that Maria and Nino had heard earlier when the group had first entered the cave, a monster known only by the locals as something of myth. In spite of its actual scaly, green skin, this was the so-called legendary Black Beast of- "AAARRRRGGH!" the whole party cried out simultaneously before swiftly turning and running away from the creature, which began chasing after them through the dark network of caves. Accompanying the pursuit was the sound of the trademark chase scene music from the Scooby-Doo franchise. The Heroes ran into all manner of tunnel openings, the Beast behind them, only for all involved to wind up in another classic Scooby-Doo gag as random individuals in the chase found themselves exiting one tunnel only to wind up in the one opposite it, sometimes the Beast in pursuit, sometimes them pursuing the Beast, sometimes the Beast in the middle of the group-all in all, it was a clear case of everyone chasing each other's tail. Eventually, the group stopped running in circles via the tunnels, reconvened in the center, and resumed running from the monster behind them. After managing to put some distance between themselves and the Beast, a thought suddenly occurred to both Kiran and Sharena. "WAIT JUST A DARN MINUTE!" Sharena shouted, causing everyone to stop in their tracks. "Why the heck are we running?! We're members of the Order of Heroes, for crying out loud!" "She's right!" Kiran chimed in. "Ryoma, Xander, you two wield, respectively, the divine weapons Raijinto and Siegfried, for Pete's sake! Jaffar, you were known as the freaking "Angel of Death"! Leonard-" he pointed to film critic Leonard Maltin. "-you know every movie ever made!" A puzzled look soon appeared on Kiran's face over what he'd just said, before he realized what was wrong with this picture. "Oh-kay, hold on, gimme a sec..." He then quietly escorted Leonard Maltin off the set. "Sorry, man, wrong lot-you'll want #33, just take a left outside and you'll be good." The film critic nodded in thanks and soon left, while Kiran returned to his spot on the set. "Where was I? Oh, right-I say we stand and fight this overgrown lizard!" "YEAH!" the rest of the party said with newfound courage and determination as they turned to face the direction of the approaching monster. Ryoma and Xander drew their swords, already glowing with energy, Jaffar unsheathed and spun his daggers in his hands, Sharena held her spear Fensalir in a ready stance, and Miriel, Nino, and Canas had their tomes at the ready. The moment the Black Beast came roaring towards them...the party screamed in terror and resumed their flight from the creature's presence. As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Kiran, Sharena, and the Heroes seemed hopeless, when suddenly... -X- ...The animator collapsed atop their desk, utterly exhausted from their efforts, with a *thump* as they sought to catch their breath. -X- Before the Heroes' very eyes, the Black Beast stopped in mid-air, and suddenly lost its coloring, until finally, the whole creature vanished into nothingness. The anime peril was no more. The utterly perplexed group could now continue their survey mission, unimpeded. Briefly exchanging a look with one another, the party shared a collective shrug, and resumed their walk through the cave, until finally finding a light at the end of the tunnel. It was then that Kiran took a moment to address us, the audience, directly: "Folks, we here stand by the hardworking animators of Japan's anime industry, and would like to say to their overseers... Give 'em a break already, will ya?" **Author's Note(s)** Threw in a gag from my all-time favorite episode of Freakazoid, just to make things more fun.

Vignette 17 - Best Foot Forward It was the start of the afternoon at the training grounds at Castle Askr, and presently the draconic siblings of Realm-VI known as Corrin (the brother) and Korinna (the sister) were in the middle of honing their weapon skills on a couple of practice dummies. At that moment, a trio of faces, consisting of the mage Merric of Realm-I, the archer Tanya of Realm-II, and swordsman (as well as intern at Fortuna Entertainment) Itsuki Aoi of Realm-VII, passed the twins by when Merric noticed something that made him stop. "Pardon me, Corrin, Korinna?" Merric called out inquisitively. The twins stopped their practice swinging as they turned to face Merric and the other two. "Something up, Merric?" Korrina asked. "I just noticed now, those are some peculiar-looking rings you have on your fingers," he responded, pointing to the objects in question. "Might I inquire as to where you acquired them?" The twins looked to one another briefly, before holding up their respective hands so that the rings were in a better view. "Sure, it's nothing too special," Corrin replied. "My sister and I received them while we were training with the Rainbow Sage back in our realm." "Who's the Rainbow Sage?" Itsuki asked. "An old master of great renown where we're from," Korinna answered. "He's the one who created the twin Yatos my brother and I wield, along with the Raijinto, the Fujin Yumi, the Siegfried, and the Brynhildr you've seen our adoptive siblings use." "After we passed a series of trials he set up," Corrin further added, "he helped us hone our Dragon Vein abilities before he unsealed the Yatos." "Dragon Vein-right, the thing where you can dry up rivers or move rock paths on command," Tanya remembered. "That was a fantastic thing to see on that one mission we were on together." "Still amazes us even now, despite our mastering it," Corrin said. "Though, admittedly," Korinna hinted with a look of slight embarrassment, "the training wasn't without its hurdles..." Realm-VII, Notre Sagesse... Corrin and Korinna were in ready stances as the wizened Rainbow Sage looked them over. After stopping in front of them, he reached into the pouch on his belt and took out two rings of an ancient, unique design, handing one to each of the twins. "Up till now, your control over Dragon Veins has been mostly used for dealing with the basics," the Rainbow Sage stated. "If you're going to face the dire threat who cannot be named in this world, you'll need to bring your skill with these natural wonders up a notch. This is where my specialized training comes in. If you'll just put the rings on..." At his suggestion, both twins put their respective rings on their ring fingers. "Good. Now, believe it or not, there's a dragon vein right under this very room. Those rings will act as focusing mediums for you to tap into the mana running along it, which you will use..." He then pointed to the large object behind him with his walking stick. "To lift this enormous statue into the air." Both twins, surprised by what the Rainbow Sage was asking, briefly exchanged slightly skeptical looks before addressing the old man. "Well, all right, we'll give it a try," Korinna said. "Still, I'm not quite sure how we'll be able to lift a statue that large using these tiny rings," Corrin said as he scratched his head a bit. "Never underestimate the power of Dragon Veins," the Rainbow Sage exhorted as he walked until he was beside the twins. "Now then, point your rings at the statue, and concentrate!" The twins again briefly exchanged skeptical looks, before shrugging and holding out their rings towards the statue. Looks of concentration soon graced their faces as they put all their thought and willpower into their ability to tap into the mana of the Dragon Veins. "Concentrate!" the Rainbow Sage repeated as the twins gave off grunts of exertion. Soon, the statue began to lurch upward, until finally it was, to the twins' mutual surprise (muted due to their trying to maintain concentration), floating a few feet off the ground. "Kids, you're doing it!" the Rainbow Sage cheered. "You're doing it! Ha ha ha!" "I...I can't believe it," Corrin said, in awe of the feat he and his sister were performing. "The Dragon Vein-it's really working!" Korinna said excitedly. "Yes! Yes!" the Rainbow Sage continued enthusiastically. At that moment, Keaton, a member of the twins' party who led the Wolfskin tribe of Nohrian lycanthropes, walked in unexpectedly. "Hey, guys, your siblings are looking for-" The lupine warrior's train of thought was interrupted when he saw the floating statue next to him, causing him to do a double-take when he noticed the twins pointing their rings at it. "Holy-how are you two doing this?!" Korinna was snapped out of her reverie when she heard the Wolfskin leader. "Oh, Keaton-did you need something?" With her focus no longer on the statue, Corrin found himself struggling to keep the statue afloat on his own. "Can't-hold it-much longer-!" Soon, Corrin was forced to let go, causing the statue to drop back to the ground...right on top of Keaton's right foot. "Whaoooooooooooooo!" Keaton howled with pain. "Whao, whao, whao, ahhhh, who, who, whooo-!" Shocked looks were on the twins' faces, with Korinna's more pronounced. "OHMYGODOHMYGOD!" Korinna let out, her hands at her mouth. "SORRYSORRYSORRY-!" Corrin said in a panicky manner. "Quick, gimme the rings, gimme the rings!" the Rainbow Sage implored urgently. The twins briefly fumbled with their rings before managing to remove them from their fingers and hand them back to the Sage, who then donned them on each hand and pointed at the statue with them. "Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy...!" With his chant, the statue was soon up in the air, allowing Keaton (still literally howling with pain) to pull his foot out from underneath. All four sets of eyes widened with shock at how cartoonishly big and flat the foot had become, with the Rainbow Sage wincing in sympathy. "OHMYGOD, Keaton, we are so, so, so sorry-!" Korinna desperately apologized. "It was an accident, honest!" an embarrassed Corrin added. "I'm sure Sakura, Elise, Azama, or Felicia will be able to fix it up, good as new!" Keaton glared at them with a snarl before turning and hobbling his way out of the room, grunting with pain as he left. When the healers of the party subsequently got a good look at their patient, it was then that each knew that they'd really seen everything now. **Author's Note(s)** Featuring: Mel Brooks as the Rainbow Sage.