General Banzai Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Note 1: Don't post in this thread. Feedback Thread Note 2: This story uses a lot of pictures. Because of the image cap per post, I am forced to break chapters up into several posts. Please don't be mad at me. THRACIA UV Chapter 1 Fiana Village. My rape quota for the day is unfulfilled. You there, soldier! Who have you brought for my raping pleasure? The choicest two women the village has to offer, sir. Enter Mareeta and Nanna, escorted by guards. Hm. Individually they're nothing special, but I see kinky threesome potential. The dark-haired one in particular reminds me of my mother. Of course, sir. I chose her with such concerns in mind. Good work. You shall be rewarded. Your name, soldier. Weissmann, sir. Wiseman? Sure, you picked out some good women, but that hardly qualifies as wise. No, sir. You must say it with a hearty German accent. Vaiiiisssssman. Go on, try it. Wiseman. Perhaps we should try again, sir. If I may interject? What's this? Heisman, you forgot to mention it could talk. Minus ten Leidrick Points. A shame, really, you could have redeemed those points for prizes. Let me go or my boyfriend Leaf will kick your ass! I'm quaking in my boots. Wait—Leaf? Iceman, isn't that the prince of— Lenster, sir. Aha! It's a bright, sunshiny day for old Leidrick! If I capture the prince, I'll get a promotion for sure. Are you not already ruler of Manster? To what would you get promoted? And by whom? I'd get promoted out of this lousy side-story of a game. Now, I'd love to capture Prince Leaf personally and escape the cycle of disappointment known as "My Life"... But at the same time, the ladies beckon me. They gaze with pleading eyes. "Fuck me, Leidrick. Fuck me hard," they whisper. Piss off douchebag. Yes, Mother~ Sir— Yes, yes. I'll save it for the bedroom. Isthmus, you're in charge. Capture Leaf and receive all the Leidrick Points you can dream of. You might even earn enough for the nerf gun on the back shelf! Leidrick exits with Mareeta and Nanna. Joy. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Meanwhile. You smell that, Finn? I'm afraid to ask. That's the smell of a new adventure! A fresh beginning! A hopeful start! It smells like cow manure. We're in the middle of a peasant village. Whatever it smells like, it looks like Manster soldiers have taken over Fiana. We must save the villagers! Leaf, your orders? Aha! This is the perfect moment to launch the campaign to liberate my country. Fiana Militia, let's ride! I'm the only one with a horse. That's okay. I get one when I promote, right? No. Well then I must get a whole bunch of cool weapons to compensate, right? Sword-locked the whole game. But my base stats must be awesome, right? Highest is 6. In Luck. But my growths are really high, right? Right? Ha. Ha ha, ha. Ha. Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do. Leaf commits honorable suicide. Don't worry though, in FE4 you get a horse and tons of weapons AND great stats. Finn, he killed himself. In fact, you're basically top tier—Wait, what? He stuck his sword into his stomach and disemboweled himself. ...Well, fuck. Aren't you supposed to be protecting him or something? Maybe. I don't think this will look good on your report— Shut up I'm thinking! Look, nobody from Lenster has seen him since he was a baby. If I can find a lookalike I'm sure I can get away with it. Can I be the replacement? I want to be a prince. Wait—we need to hide the body first! Where'd the other two go? Othin and Evayle? They're fighting the soldiers. Perfect. From now on, this stays a secret between us. Now hide the body! Grumble... When did I become your errand boy? Halvan exits, dragging Leaf's body. Okay, think fast, Finn. You're a smart kid, good head on your shoulders, think, think! Wait—of course! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Enter Halvan. Okay, I threw the body in the brushes. Now about the replacement— Already have him. Meet the new and improved Prince Leaf! ... Finn. That's an actual leaf. You pulled it off a tree. Exactly! I don't even need to change his name. And their personalities are roughly equivalent. ... Shit, here comes Othin. Act cool. Enter Othin. Hey, Othin. How've you been? Getting any perfect level-ups lately? Sharpening those Wrath criticals? I'm fucking pissed! Oh yeah? Why? I went to my house hoping my fucking sister would give me something good but all I got was this stupid axe! Pugi? Othin, that axe is amazing. Yeah, well you know what she said when she gave it to me? "Go outside and cut up some firewood, or we'll freeze during the winter." Like what the hell, right? A riveting yarn. Isn't that right, Leaf? ... Hey, he get sick or what? He looks a little green. Uh, well, I guess he is a little sick. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure he'll get better soon. You look a little pasty yourself... Nothing! Nothing at all. Let's find Evayle, how about that? Sure, she's probably slaughtered the soldiers already. You seen her stats? If she and I paired up, our kids would be gods! Wrong game, no generation system here. Man, this game sucks! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Enter Evayle, Dagda, Tania, and Marty. I must speak to Prince Leaf. I've recruited new allies to our cause. Prince Leaf? He's uh, right here. ... Prince Leaf, this is Dagda, former leader of the Purple Mountain Bandits. He has decided to change his wicked ways and join us. Yeah what she said. I'm a poor bandit, woe is me, et cetera. ... What is your decision, Prince Leaf? ... Aw come on I ain't so bad. Look at my base stats, look at my manly beard. ... What's that, Prince Leaf? You say, "Sure thing"? Wow, guess you're on our team now, Dagda. Really? I didn't hear anything. The prince is soft-spoken. Well, whatever. Tania, Marty, time to rack up favors from a prince! Dad, I told you before, don't call me Tania. I just want to go home... Nonsense, Marty. You're the MAN WHOM DAGDA LOVED. You must live up to the title. I'd rather not. I told you before, my name is Antonio! Girl, nobody's talking to you. Damn you tomboy types and your dismissal of gender norms! Nobody acknowledged me the first time so I said it again. Also, I'm not a girl. You look like a girl to me. And I should know. Would a girl have these? These... what? It's implied I lifted my shirt and revealed bulging pectoral muscles. But you didn't. It's a text-based narrative. People get the idea. I wanna see tits. Take off your shirt! If you're not a girl, you should have no problems removing your shirt in public. I uh, don't need this peer pressure! Tits, tits, tits! Come on Halvan, chant with me. Tits. Tits. Okay guys, who's ready to liberate Fiana? Can we get the girls to take off their shirts first? There's only one girl here, and it's definitely not me. I'm Antonio. Look, Prince Leaf needs to begin his journey of self-discovery and triumph. Once we retake the town I'll treat you guys to the brothel, how's that sound? That's what hip kids do these days, right? When I was young we just read books to decipher our complicated romance systems. Aw man, the brothel here bites. The only whores are Mareeta and Halvan's sister. My what?! I hear Iss has a great brothel. After this fight we'll go over there and have a fine old time. Hell yes. Time to kill everyone! Exit Othin. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Wait. Some of Manster's soldiers are civilians pressganged to fight. If we capture them— Enter Othin. Killed everyone except the boss. Now that's what I call efficiency! The poor generic soldiers... They had so much to live for... Don't worry Evayle, we still love yooooou... The souls of the departed drift to the heavens accompanied by an angelic chorus and harpsichord. Holy light bathes the onlookers. We done yet? I wanna kill the boss now. If you kill me, the hostages die! Don't you understand? What hostages? Those two girls, Nanna and Mareeta. You took them hostage?! Well, Leidrick did. They're halfway to Manster by now. So the hostages aren't here. ...No. So what's stopping us from killing you? The obscene defense granted by gate bonuses. Othin attacks Weissmann. Dink! No Damage. The hell? I don't even scratch him! Quake before my invincibility. Weissmann attacks Othin. Miss. Not so fast Kaiba, you activated my Wrath card. Wrath critical! Ouch. Weissmann dies. We liberated the town! But Nanna and Mareeta got kidnapped. We have to do something! Mareeta was the best whore in the village, and Nanna's my daughter I think! You think? Canon's wonky on the details. But when I play FE4 I pair myself with Lachesis, so it's true. Anyways, we gotta save them. I agree, but are you allowed to make those decisions? We ought to consult Prince Leaf first. ... What's that, Prince Leaf? You agree with Finn? Wow, looks like I'm right after all. Once again, I didn't hear him say anything. That's because you're old, and need a hearing aid. Anyway, we shouldn't waste time. We press on to Manster— Whoa whoa whoa wait just a minute, buster. Did you call him buster? Yeah, so? Get to the point. I—er, Prince Leaf is getting impatient. You promised to take us to the brothel in Iss! Oh, right. I guess we can afford a short detour. Score. Anything else before we go? I should probably visit my house and get my super special axe. Halvan visits his house. Hey sis, give me my Hero Axe! I pawned it to sustain my heroin addiction. (End Chapter 1) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) Chapter 2 The brothel at Iss. Welcome to the Bucks Brothel, the best brothel in Thracia! If it's Bucks, you're sure to Fucks! Daddy daddy, can I have a whore? Please please please? Of course, dear. Anything for my little girl~ I'm not your little girl, and today I'll prove it. Bucks, gimme your best! Only the best for my best customer, Antonio. The usual room? Nah, something special this time. Sure thing, Tony. I'll rent you out the Red Room. Thanks. Ask beard guy about payment. Antonio exits. Is this gonna cost a whole lot? I ain't running a charity, pops. And the rest of you? I got all sorts of whores. You know the motto: At Bucks there's women who fucks, sucks, and tucks! Tucks...? Big whores, thin whores, tall whores, star whores, all for rock-bottom prices! Lemme show off some of wares. Yo Olympia, get yer ass over here. Whatchu want daddy-o? Olympia's got 40 MPG, 60 whorespower, goes from zero to cumming in five seconds flat. She's ranked top in efficiency by J.D. Power and Associates three years running. Ain't a better ride in the whole tristate area. I'll take it! Othin, maybe be more cautious about your purchases? Don't be jealous, Halvan. I'll pay five thousand gold! Sold! Come hither, sweet cheeks~ Othin and Olympia exit. Finn, I find this place of highly questionable repute. Talk to the Leaf girlfriend. ... Is that supposed to be a play on "Talk to the hand"? Pretty clever, right? No. Who's the dame? She one of those butch chicks? We got whores for you, too! I'm uninterested in— Ayy baybee !!! *Flutter* Evayle exits. Another happy customer. At this rate the whole house'll be booked by midnight. What about the rest? I don't need no whores as long as I got Marty. Just kill me, really. I won't mind. Come to Dagda, snookums. I rented a room just for us. Ye gods. Dagda and Marty exit. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) That's all the space for now. The rest of you can hang by the bar until another room opens. I guess we can wait. Come on, Leaf. ... Finn, I agree with Evayle on this one. Everyone here looks like the scummiest dirtbag on the planet. Why hello there. You look clean, at least. Are you another prostitute? Customer, my dear friend, customer. The name is August, and you? I'm Halvan. That's Finn, and that... is Leaf. ... Leaf? Prince Leaf of Lenster? You know him? Enough to know somebody's pulling the wool over my eyes. That's not Prince Leaf. W-what do you mean? He looks exactly like a leaf! Perhaps you've fooled the idiots under your command, but I must inform you that— Roxanne, that's not hard enough! But Mister August— "Father" August to you! No buts, get back to work! Ah, yes, like that... Perhaps we should go. Nonsense, nonsense. As I was saying, you may have fooled your soldiers, but I'm a tad more perceptive. What has happened to the real Prince Leaf? ...He's dead. That's a problem. I know. So you've found this doppelganger to pose as him? Who knows about this? Just Halvan. And now you. Maybe I should kill you so you don't talk? No need, my lips are sealed. Unlike a certain someone under this table. Roxanne, harder! MMPH I feel ill. Now, you two are running around like headless chickens. Cluck, cluck. You need someone intelligent to keep your silly scheme afloat. Someone like you, I presume. Why, now that you mention it, yes. I'm a busy man, but I'm willing to lend my aid for a small cut of the profits. Profits? What profits? Tsk-tsk, my compatriot. This is why you need someone like me. When you return to Lenster and reinstate "Prince Leaf," who will truly reign? It won't be Prince Leaf? No, you dithering idiot. It'll be you! You could do anything you want, claiming you took orders from "Prince Leaf." Pillage the treasury, make yourself a duke, partake in the girls... I did always want to be a duke... And duke you shall become, if only you listen to my expert tactical advice. What say you? Have we a deal? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) I don't know about this guy, Finn. But I want to be a duke! If Bishop August can get me that, then we have a deal. Stupendous. MMPH Meanwhile, in the Red Room. So who'd Bucks set me with tonight? Me, master~ Ooh, you're a new face. What's your name? Bambi, sir~ Ah, a shy one. Well, we'll fix that... Back at the bar, Finn and friends are getting a little drunk. So August, you're... you're pretty bro. You come here a lot? Verily. It's my favorite place for pleasure. It's run by the Rifis gang. The Rifis gang? I probably shouldn't be telling you this. But Bucks is a lackey of Rifis. This whole joint is a front for a money laundering scheme! Whoa. You know what's even better? I double as a police informant. Any minute now the cops are liable to arrive. The door is kicked in. A squadron of soldiers enter. Oh fucks it's the cops! Come peacefully or we open fire. Give me another chance! I'll clean up my act and become a fisherman! If you do not comply— I ain't going to jail! Bucks equips a shotgun. He's got a gun! A fight ensues. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) It may be prudent to leave now. Don't worry Bucksh—hic—I'll shave you! Finn charges the soldiers. No, how could I ever survive without my perfectly trimmed moustache? Finn's going to get shot if we don't help, August. A bigger cut for us both, then! Well, guess I gotta do everything. Halvan and Finn massacre the soldiers. You guys saved me! Hic—I told you I'd shave you, Bucksh. What the hell's going on in here? Marty and I were having a tender heart-to-heart when I heard gunfire. The police came, but Finn and I cleaned them up. I owe you guys for the rest of my life. You get all the whores you want, any day of the week! I'll even take you to Rifis and have him set you up with cash and soldiers. Cash and soldiers? Finn, this worked out after all. *Vomit* You okay Finn? Finn passes out. He'll be fine. Anyway, with aid of our illustrious comrade Bucks, we— Enter Othin. You! Me? You're the shithead who sold me that hooker! Were you dissatisfied? Olympia is my best model— She had a dick. And worse, I didn't notice until after! But that's our motto: We got women who Fucks, Sucks, and Tucks! Die! Pugi critical. Fucks. Bucks dies. Now what? Now we flee. In the Red Room. Bambi... You were the best I ever had. You mean it, sir? You don't gotta call me sir anymore, babe. I'm Tony to you from now on. Tony... Shh, babe. Shh. (End Chapter 2) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) Chapter 2x The Pirate Isles. Daddy, meet my new girlfriend Bambi. Hello. *Curtsey* What's this? My daughter, a lesbian? Never! There will be no homosexuality in my household. If only. Well too bad, Bambi and I are getting married. We'll have lots of kids! I was blessed with child-birthing hips. While they sort their familial affairs, I believe it prudent to continue forward. Rifis's hideout is just on the other side of these isles. Wait. If Othin killed Bucks, why are we still going to Rifis? I'd imagine he's angry we destroyed the catchy slogan potential for his brothel. Well... He may be a tad displeased by the misunderstanding, but I am a longstanding friend. I'm sure he'll lend soldiers to our cause. But you're a double agent—You snitched on him! Details, details. At Rifis's hideout. Find me the snitch who got Bucks wasted! I want his head! As a goblet! With his skull encrusted in diamonds! Now Rifis, that's not a very nice thing to say. Oh—uh—Hey Saphy—Wait look orphans in trouble! Where?! Exit Saphy. Phew. Too close. Enter Saphy. The orphans must have already saved themselves! What a glorious day. Yeah... (I wonder if her crotch hair is green, too? Mm...) Now Rifis, you said earlier you were a Crusader for the Good of Goodness, correct? My exact words! I'm so good that if we paired up, our offspring would have a Goodness growth of over 100%! *Hint hint* Oh Rifis, such a kidder. Now, if you're as good as you say, you'd have no qualms proving it, right? Of course not. Then I must ask: Have you been saved today? Take a look at this pamphlet. It will give you newfound insight into God. (Oh shit, I didn't sign up for this!) I dunno Saphy, I'm a pretty dedicated Hindu. So dedicated I hired some guy because his name is Shiva. ... That's too bad, Rifis. Because I only sleep with Naga's Witnesses. *Hint hint* (Damn she's good.) Well, I—uh— Enemies sighted! It's Leaf and the traitor August! What! How'd they find our secret hideout? Maybe calling it the "Pirate Isles" wasn't such a hot idea? Okay Saphy, we'll bargain later. Right now I got something to do. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) Save the orphans? Yes, Saphy. The orphans. They cry out to me. "Help us, Rifis. You're our only hope." Adieu, Saphy. Until we meet again, I, the Crusader for the Good of Goodness, must ride. Rifis and his bandits exit. So your name's Shiva? I'm Jewish. Outside the hideout. Bandits attacking! I guess they were none too pleased with me after all. Surprise, surprise. Well, you're a genius tactician. Tell us what to do. Please let it be "Kill everything." Sounds like a solid plan to me. Hurrah! And how will we deal with Rifis? Well— He's just another bandit. Not even worth killing. Yeah! Let's capture him and torture him until he screams! Or we can give him another chance at life. A new beginning. The kind I've always hoped for... Too late, it's torture time. Exit Othin. Either way, it looks like a straightforward fight. Seriously. Who ever heard of a bandit chapter being hard? Somewhere, very far away, Hyman criticals Jagen. I bet if we wait another five seconds, Othin will return saying he's killed everyone. ... ... Okay what the hell that should have worked. I hope he isn't running into any trouble. Let's find out. Finn and Halvan exit. I suppose nobody wanted my enlightened advice. At least they left me alone with dear Roxanne. MMPH Good girl. I'm still here actually. Oh wonderful. Want to join? You can be Roxanne's substitute when she passes out. Excuse me while I cry in a corner. Evayle exits. What a coincidence, that's what Roxanne does when I lock her in the suitcase. You were made for this job! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) Meanwhile, Finn and Halvan find Othin. What's taking you so long, Othin? I'm fucking lost. Fog of war is bullshit. Nonsense. Watch, I'll show you— Finn walks into a dead end. Damn. At least the bandits should have the same trouble. Lol nope. Unexplainable night vision FTW. Developers, get your shit together. This is inexcusable. In Berwick Saga we don't have shit like this. *Twenty page explanation of fog of war in Berwick Saga* In conclusion, Berwick Saga. Look, the bandits wandered into sight. Can you shut up and kill them? Fine. But I won't have my heart in it. Pugi non-critical :( We're approaching the fort. I wonder what Rifis is capable of doing. I've heard tales of his power. They say his strength is obscene... His speed is lightning... The strongest blades bounce off his skin... A true terror to behold. The gate's coming into sight! Ye gods—He's—He's— Unarmed. Hey not true! I have this nifty scroll. Why do we follow this guy again? Dunno lol. The bandits exit. Hey, don't leave me! All I have left now is this Shiva guy. ... And I have a sinking suspicion he's a mannequin instead of a real person. Stand still while I capture you. No! I won't allow— Finn captures Rifis. Looks like the fight's over. All that's left is for Leaf to seize the gate. Go on, Leaf, seize it. ... Hurry up, dammit! Give him time, Othin. We must treat the prince gently. Fine, I'll wait. ... ... ... ... ... A gust of wind blows Leaf to the gate. I'm so proud of you, Leaf. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) Enter August. Hostilities have ceased? We should plan our next move, then. But first, what shall we do with Rifis? Torture him! I hear his banditry exceeds cruelty. He is truly evil. Letting him go would continue the cycle of death and violence that has plagued this land for ages... Pardoning him would weigh heavy on my conscience. But you're fine with the people on our team? Fiddlesticks, Roxanne passed out again. I was on verge of climax, too. Shut up Halvan, I'm practicing for my upcoming stint as a politician. Decry obvious enemies while shielding corrupt friends. Finn/Leaf '76. Wait, you guys are making a mistake! I'm not Rifis at all. I'm Lifis! Those names are the same. In Japanese at least. But you're missing contextual clues. I'm Lifis. Rifis is someone else. I'm a good guy, like you! Enter Saphy. Please good sirs, listen to him. Look at his face! How can someone with a face like his be evil? Let poor Lifis go! Yeah, I'm an orphan! How can you hate an orphan? Prince Leaf is an orphan too. He feels your pain. ... Finn, don't tell me you're falling for this. Falling for what? Look at his face! My face is quite innocent. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) So you'll spare Lifis? Of course. I am the great and benevolent Duke Finn. What's the next order of business, August? You wanted to go to Manster to save your maybe-daughter, correct? Admirable, simply admirable. Such fatherly devotion is hard to find these days. Anyway, we must pass the Gate of Kelves. The Gate of Kelves? No problem. Round up the soldiers and tell them we move out. Of course. August exits. Lifis, looks like you're a full-fledged member of the team now. I can't wait. I'm a Crusader for the Good of Goodness, I'll have you know. Exeunt all, except Rifis and Shiva. What are you looking at? ... Oh, right. My beautiful face. WARNING IMAGE CAP PER POST BREACHED Oh fuck— (End Chapter 2x) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Chapter 3 The Gate of Kelves So this is the entrance to Manster? Cool, let's walk in— Fool! One does not simply walk into Manster! Actually, they do, because going inside buildings forces you to dismount. That only affects me, no fair! More importantly, the Gate of Kelves is considered an unassailable fortress. You'll have to fight tooth and nail to gain ingress. I'll wait here with dear Roxanne— Wait, where'd she go? Finn, plans have changed. We must capture Roxanne before she escapes. Understood. Men, ride out! Until we get inside and have to walk. Inside the gate. I'm almost out—If I can just escape— Oh look Sir Leidrick. A small child. Toss it in the coal mines. Please sir, you must help me. There's a cruel man named August who— Don't care. I've had a long day of raping and now I must rest my feet. Lobos, put the child with the others. Yes, sir. Time for a bubble bath. Oh rubber ducky, you're so fine~ Leidrick exits. You look like a nice man, you'll help me right? Really? I have a moustache like this and you think I "look like a nice man"? Low blow. I groomed this moustache for years to instill fear in my foes. For that I'll whip you the hardest while you work the mines. Sir Lobos, the gate is under attack. It's Prince Leaf! Nonsense, we found Prince Leaf's corpse in some bushes outside Fiana. Well, somebody's attacking. Sigh. I suppose I'll take time out my schedule of child abuse to fight. Why must I be inconvenienced so? Outside the gate. Finn, it appears that Roxanne was captured by the enemy commander. The dastards! They struck where they knew it would hurt most. Roxanne is our team mascot! She symbolizes everything that unifies our army. Like sucking your cock? Yeah. Anyway, we must save her! Othin, do what you do best. Fuck bitches and get paid? No, the other thing. Killing everyone with criticals. Oh yeah. Ooh, now that I have actual units, I can start delegating tasks. Don't you mean now Prince Leaf can start delegating tasks? Don't be silly. Anyway, you and Halvan help Othin in the frontlines. Dagda and family, visit those houses. Saphy, heal the fighters. And Lifis... Uh, open those chests. Wow I'm a real tactician now! You gave incredibly simple orders in an incredibly simple turn-based strategy game. Don't get ahead of yourself. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) The front lines. These grunts are easy pickings. Wait, we must capture and save them! Why would I do that? Because of the goodness of your soul, Othin. I see inside you. I see the light aflame in your heart. I know you have love inside you. *Sniffle* You're right, Evayle. I can do it. I can save everyone. Everyone. Derp I are dumb Generic Soldier attacks Othin. Othin counter attacks with Wrath. Othin levels up! Othin gains HP, Str, Spd, Def, Bld. Well, so much for that. Generic Soldier! Are you alright? Lol just a flesh wound Generic Soldier dies. NOOOOO It's okay, Evayle. He lived a good life (I think). We'll give him a proper burial. Halvan and Evayle exit. So Saphy, we're all alone... You owe me big time. Eh? What are you talking about? "Oh, don't kill poor Mr. Lifis." "Look at his face!" Yeah, so? Bullshit. I've seen through your disguise from the start. But my face— Don't you dare spam pics again. Now I hoped to play the sweet and innocent priestess so you'd join my religion. Wow, you're as much a deceptive bitch as I am. Thanks. Anyway, it appears more persuasive measures are necessary. I'm not joining your stupid cult— We'll see what you say after twenty hours in The Chair. What— Saphy blows a dart at Rifis. Ouch, my neck. Wait a sec... Rifis passes out. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) At the houses. What a load of junk. I visited all four houses, and they didn't give me anything! Listen to them. "Oh, save my poor child." "Oh, help poor Yuvel!" Who names their kid Yuvel? That's almost abusive. Please sir, the Thuggee Lopt Sect kidnapped our children. They've forced them to dig for the sacred stones of Kali Magvel Loptous. Indiana Dagda, you're our only hope! Indiana Dagda? I like the sound of that. It fits, too. I have the hat! Daddy— Tania can be Short Round! Marty is the chick of course. I tried to hang myself but the noose broke under my 20 Bld. Indiana Dagda, away! Indiana Dagda exits in search of adventure. That's the last straw. Bambi, tonight you and I are making a run for it. I'll run to the edge of the earth with you, baby. Please, take me with you... You'll only slow us down. Nice zero speed. *Sob* Meanwhile. Alas poor soldier, we hardly knew ye. Come on, Halvan. Help me lower his body into the grave. Sigh. Enter Finn and August. What's going on? Evayle insists on burying every soldier Othin kills. And Othin kills all the soldiers. Only twelve funerals left. Quit wasting time, we must rescue Roxanne. Finn, go into the gate. But—I don't wanna lose my horsey! It's... cute... lovely... smart... plus... amazing... you think so? ...oh yes... It's... stunning... kindly... love it! Hug it... when... sleeping... warm and cuddly... spectacular... ravishing... Farewell my sweet. We shall meet again someday. Finn dismounts. What the hell? Sword-locked? God fuck. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Enter Othin with the children. Don't worry, I cleaned out most of the enemies. All that's left is the boss and some annoying bishop. Easy peasy. You won't finish them yourself? Are you kidding? Look at these cute kids! Hi I'm Yuvel. I gotta take them back to their families. Because I'm Nice Guy Othin! Othin you massacred an entire army. They asked for it. No, Othin. They asked for mercy. They fell to their knees and screamed, "Don't kill us please!" One took out a picture of his starving wife and kids. Becoming a soldier was the only way to feed them. His name was Earl, Othin. Earl. Cool. Hey kids, who wants a ride on the Othinmobile? Oh boy I sure do! Me too Mr. Othin! Vroom vroom, all aboard! The kids get on Othin's back and he carries them to their homes while making car noises. But what about Roxanne! She must have escaped. The cell's empty. How can I live without dear Roxanne? I'm sorry Finn, but I must part ways with you. I must find Roxanne. I'm certain we will meet again someday. Wait, what about our deal— August exits. Everything should be fine. I hope so. Anyway, I guess we have to deal with these last two enemies. How hard could two enemies be? Herp derp I'm promoted That Bishop may be a problem. He can heal his allies with his staff. We'll charge in before he can. Let's ride! Fuck I forgot I can't do that indoors. Finn and Halvan charge the Bishop with their pitiful dismounted movement. Halp what do? Oh I know I'll hide in the treasury. Generic Bishop opens the door. My dream of becoming a Thief has been realized! Generic Bishop opens the chests. A Meteor tome? Is this my destiny? Yes... I will rain fire upon their heads and save the Empire! I am the Fire Thief of lore! Fear my prowess! Halvan runs up and whacks him to death with an axe. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Now for the leader. So you've defeated my men? Then it's time to unleash the wolves. Get it? Because my name is Spanish for wolves. I don't get it, because I don't know your name. It's Lobos. Oh. Heh, I guess that's kinda funny. I've been practicing it for years. Perfecting the timing and all. It shows, you had a great delivery. My whole life has been in preparation for that joke, actually. Now that I've told it, I feel strangely... purposeless. What can one possibly do after that? How can I live in a world where I have already told my one joke? I'm a one-trick wolf! You can't teach old wolves new jokes! This is getting a little too heavy for me. Excuse me while I contemplate life. Lobos exits. Oh cool, the throne's empty. Seize it, Leaf! ... ... ... ... Nobody's watching. You can just place the leaf on the throne. How will he ever learn to be independent if I always hold his hand? Go on, Leaf, you can do it. I believe in you! Enter Leidrick. One little bubble bath and this whole place goes to hell. Where's Lobos? He left to make crucial decisions about his life. Better question: Who are you? I am Leidrick, ruler of Manster. You look like a knight. Is this a rebellion? I am Duke Finn of Lenster! And this is Prince Leaf of the same. We're here to save Nanna! Hey wait a minute. Weimar killed Prince Leaf. We found his corpse. That was an impostor. The real Prince Leaf is here! ... How could I not have realized before? It looks exactly like him! If I don't fix my mistake, I'll get fired for sure! But what do I do? Stop talking to yourself? Aha! That knight mentioned Nanna! She's one of my concubines, I think. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Okay, drop your weapons or the whore gets it! I am a princess, not a whore. Who's that? Oops, must be the wrong one. Heh heh, hold on a sec. Okay, let's try again. Drop your weapons or the whore gets it! I told you, piss off! Oh hey Mareeta. How's life? Fucking peachy? Must be the wrong one too. Okay, third time's the charm... Drop your weapons! For real this time. Finn! Nanna! Okay, I'll drop my Iron Sword. It was doing fuckall anyway. Good. Now hand over Prince Leaf. What? Never. He's my ticket to dukedom. Too bad, I guess poor Popo will be forever without his Nanna. Finn, stop being a douche and help me! Seriously Finn, hand over the fucking leaf. But... How could I betray my country? My prince? It's a leaf, Finn. My patience wears thin. Fork over the foliage or I start hacking hoes! Eek! Dammit! Okay, you win. Finn relinquishes Prince Leaf. ... Good lad. Now take your little army and flee. Grr, I'll remember this. Finn and Halvan exit. Happy day for Leidrick! Who wants a celebratory orgy? Not me. Too bad, bitch. Meanwhile, on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Well, I guess there's nothing left to live for. Wind blows. Pink petals flutter through Lobos's hair. Birds sing in the sunny skies. One glistening bead drops from Lobos's cheek. A single tear shed... ...And no more. Lobos steps off the cliff. Enya plays. WHO CAN SAY WHERE THE ROAD GOES (End Chapter 3) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Chapter 4 Manster Prison. Ugh... head... spinning... What happened? A monitor turns on and a video of Saphy plays. Hello, Rifis. I want to play a game. You're probably wondering where you are. I'll tell you where you might be. You might be in the room that you die in. That's every room. Until now, you have not been a Naga's Witness. You must now learn the error of your ways. Soon the door to your cell will open. You will be flung into a hell known only as the "Manster Chapters." Only through severe RNG manipulation and countless restarts will you survive. Let the game begin. *Creepy cackle* The video ends. Pah, how hard can these Manster Chapters be? Meanwhile. Excellent. My harem swells with every passing hour. Let them go! Now that I have four of you, I'm beginning to feel like a Pokemon trainer. Can I be Pikachu? Pikachu is the cutest~ I demand to be Zapdos. Pokemon promotes violence to animals! Ooh, I love roleplaying. Come girls, to the bedroom—I mean, the Pokemon Center! I swear, if this ends with a "blasting off again" pun... Dalshin, watch the prisoners while I play with my Pokeballs. That innuendo was awful sir but I will do my duty as a soldier of the empire! Leidrick and harem exit. Man, I can't stand that guy. Rape this, rape that. It's all he ever talks about. I remember a time when we were a wholesome family-oriented empire. Is this gonna segue into another musical number? No I strained my voice after the last one. But the point stands. I became a soldier because I believed this empire maintained strong family values. But now it's legalized abortions and gay marriage and I don't even know what to think! Then why don'tcha let us out? A little civil disobedience as protest, yeah? Nonsense. You broke the law. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Come on man I was only downloading some video games— Illegally, I may add. They're not even available in America! Mother 3, Fire Emblem 4... How else am I supposed to play? Learn Japanese and import like the rest of us! It's useless to talk to him, Fergus. Let him be. Bah, fine. Bother someone else, Dalshin. Hmph. You better behave yourselves, criminal scum! Dalshin exits. So what you in for, Karin? Jaywalking. Pretty lame. Yep. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) How about you, new guy? What's your crime? ... He must be one of those brooding silent types. You know, the kind who join with Killing Edges. The ones with homoerotic tendencies? No, that's the other type. The Ogma. Wait I'm the Ogma— At the prison entrance. We're in! Time to break out the prisoners. Agent Yellow, handle the guards. Sure thing, boss. Agent Pink, open the cells. Yay! Agent Shota, follow me to the lower levels. Righto. And Machua, watch for reinforcements. Why don't I get a cool nickname? Because your name is ridiculous enough as is. But Asvel's name is stupid too— You dare question Agent Shota and his fabulous short-shorts? Stop wasting my time and move! Sety and Agent Shota exit. So can I be Agent Brown? No. Rifis's cell. There's a bomb in the cell that'll explode in two minutes! If we don't gnaw off our own hands we're dead! Oh god no *Gnaw gnaw* Blood everywhere— The key to the cell is in my intestines! We'll have to dig it out! *Stab* Oh god my kidney The key the key— MY SPLEEN Bandit 3 dies. I did it, I got through the bone! I'm free! But you forgot the secret twist, Bandit 2... Secret twist? I was Jigsaw the whole time! NO Bandit 2 dies of shitty twist disease. But you forgot the real secret twist, Jigsaw... Only I can— You have cancer! Bandit 1 dies of cancer. Saw X: In Space, coming to a theater near you December 776. I did it... I had to dig through a guy's intestines, but I survived. Just need to open the cell door... Lara opens the cell door. Good news everybody! The Magi Squad is here to save the day! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Oh. Great timing. Come on guys, get up! You're free! What's that red stuff? Ketchup. Now outta my way, I'm busting free. Aw, aren't you gonna tell me your name? (Hm a bit too flirty but hey if she's willing.) Um, I'm Lif— Omigod Prince Leaf? It's you? No you didn't let me finish my name is Lif— Omigod omigod omigod everyone's gonna think I'm the greatest! Guys guys I did it I saved Prince Leaf! Lara exits. Hm... Prince Leaf... Enter Lara, Brighton, and Machua. Over here over here omigod If you say "omigod" one more time I'll ram my fist down your throat. But but but And stop ending your stammers without any punctuation. It's improper. Agent Yellow, I think the point is— Okay drop the stupid code names. "Agent Yellow" sounds like a biological weapon. Actually, that makes me sound much cooler. Continue using the name. Um, sure. Agent Yellow, I think the point is that Agent Pink has found Prince Leaf. 'Tis I, Prince Leaf! Boweth, mine vassals. Are you sure this is the right guy? Sety said he was green. And leafy. Thou dareth defy my princely orders? Seizeth him, loyal peons. Yeah, definitely suspect. That fake accent is fooling nobody. It's fooling me. And me! Of course Sety stuck me with the gullible ones. Okay, I'll play along with this whole "Prince Leaf" thing for now. But when I figure out your game, your head's mine. KKKKCCCCHHHHH (You die first, little man.) Okay, so how to escape from this place? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Well, the exits are blocked by eighty turns of reinforcements. Eighty turns? Why would they send so many soldiers to this dinky jail? Government bureaucracy. Kafkaesque obfuscations of legislative orders. There are at least twenty guards for every prisoner. Dalshin, the jailer, has them to act in musicals. Musicals? Leidrick knows about this heinous practice, but lets it continue unrestrained. He calls it "Experimental Torture Techniques." Dalshin calls it "My Fair Lady." Look, all this tactics stuff is beyond me. We'll just carve our way to the exit, yeah? And by "we," I mean "you." Sure thing, "Prince Leaf." Brighton and Lara exit. Pst, you. Me? Yeah, what's your name? Agent Brown. Machua, got it. Okay Machua, I got a favor to ask. Um... Anything, milord. Let the yellow guy take the brunt of the fighting. Because his superior combat skills allow him to absorb the extra damage? Let's go with that. The real Prince Leaf's cell. A battle? Looks like Dad finally came to bail me out! Brighton opens the cell door. Aw man you're not Dad. We're busting you out all the same. Your names? I'm Karin, he's Fergus. And the leaf—Well, it's a leaf. A leaf, you say? Hm... Brighton dons his thinking cap. The camera zooms to his CGI-rendered brain as memories and images flash across the screen. Prince Leaf is green and leafy... And the leaf—Well, it's a leaf... ... The camera zooms back out. BRAIN BLAST! Oh god he's having a seizure. Quick, get something between his teeth! Make sure he doesn't swallow his tongue. I'm fine, I just had an epiphany— Karin rams a rag into Brighton's mouth. MMPH Hold him down, hold him down! I'm trying but he keeps kicking me— We need to sedate him. Come on man, stay with me here! MMPH (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Back to Rifis. Okay. We've dealt with the reinforcements, opened the chests, and saved the generic villagers. Only the final room remains. We should wait for Brighton before we enter. Who knows what bizarre and devilish torture Dalshin has prepared for us. Probably Wicked. Or Equus. Dear god, pray it isn't Equus. Enter Fergus and Karin. Excellent, new subjects for my upcoming reign. Hey was that yellow guy on your team? Brighton? Yes, he was. He had a seizure. We had to tie him down for his own safety. I like you two already. What say you join my army? I'm Prince Leaf of Munster. Er, Manster. Lenster, sir. I dunno, I don't really feel like joining an army. Too bad, I'm initiating the draft. And not the low turn count kind of draft. You can't draft me. I was a first round pick I'm not from your country! Me neither. What the hell's the point of being prince to a country nobody lives in? Of course, there's only one way out and it's through those doors, so... I guess we'll stay with you for now. Or until the Manster soldiers realize I'm a mercenary and pay me to betray you. This whole prince thing is less fun than I thought. I have three women on my team and none of them have offered to sleep with me. Prince Leaf, we're wasting time. If Brighton is incapacitated, we must fight Dalshin without him. Sure, sure. Hyperactive girl, open the door. Yay somebody mentioned me I'm so popular now~ Lara opens the door. Positions, everyone. I'm the lead, Sir John Falstaff. Ahem. Mine Host of the Garter! It's worse than I thought. He's preforming Merry Wives of Windsor! You dare disparage Shakespeare's comic masterpiece? You must DIE. Sorry, that sounded harsher than I expected. Let me try again— (Continued) Edited April 30, 2016 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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