General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Elsewhere. Okay. So if I can't touch her legs or mouth or any of the obvious rapey places... What am I allowed to touch. Well, inappropriate touching of any sort is also a form of sexual harassment. I'm not even touching her, the hammer is! This is SO unfair. Well Kempf, I believe I have discovered an area in which you excel over my brother. What really?? Tell me now, bitch, or I'll... Not touch you. God this is so lame. You certainly have my brother beat in the "whining like a little bitch" category. OKAY THAT'S IT. Time for a little PSYCHOLOGICAL torture. That okay Oltof? I won't be touching her at all. As long as you stray from topics of sexual humiliation and/or— Shut up it was a rhetorical question because OBVIOUSLY psychological torture isn't fucking rape. Do your worst. You can say nothing to hurt me. I am immune to any slander you heap on my brother, as it is obviously all lies. Kee hee hee... I was hoping to save this bombshell until the end, but if you insist. So, Olwen, how would you like it if... I told your oh-so-precious brother about your... ABORTION? *abrotion What?? How did you find out about that? Did my brother use his nigh-omnipotence to divine it and then tell you for some reason? If that were the case, why would I be threatening to tell him?? Cripes, do you even think before you talk? Use your pitifully small brain to deduce the OBVIOUS answer. Which is...? Fred told me. Oh. I forgot he existed actually. Don't you two have sex like every night. Yeah but he's so bland I only remember what he looks like as long as I'm staring directly at him. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Heh, I actually feel the exact same way. ...Ew. That means Olwen and I have something in common. Besides our unabated lust for my brother? What shut up that is SO NOT A THING that I have. For that, I'm DOUBLING your psychological smackdown. For the next 24 hours, you will watch nothing but M. Night Shyamalan's The Village on repeat!! Mua ha ha ha ha oh I am SO diabolical! The door flies open and Fred and Ralph charge in. Did somebody mention a movie starring Adrien Brody, the OTHER best actor ever?? Dude Adrien Brody is hardly even in that movie No bro, he was like the main villain. Wait really Fuck it's been so long since I saw that movie Literally because I saw it in theaters and never saw it again No Brody is definitely in that movie, I remember because he fell into a pit and died somehow. That's some cold shit Shyamalan, killing a real bro like Adrien Brody. No you know what I am absolutely certain Brody was not in that movie He was in Lady in the Water Bro no, that was Paul Giamatti, who is not the best actor ever. No bullshit Paul Giamatti is too great an actor to grace the presence of any Shyamalan shitfest I refuse to believe he could even have a cameo in one of those abominations And don't you dare asterisk-edit that into "abrahminations" Wait, which one was Wahlberg in? Wahlberg is my favorite. <3 Marky Mark was in The Happening, bro. How do you even know that don't tell me you even saw that movie I thought by that point it was clear to everyone Shyamalan was packaging literal feces as films And that movie thus grossed literally 0 dollars What, no, that movie was AWESOME. I was like, "Wow Shyamalan you really pulled out all the stops." Like, when Matt Damon shot Leonardo Decrapio and that black guy, and then Wahlberg shot Damon... Omg YES. Holy shit dude that isn't The Happening that's The Departed Which is actually good because if you were seriously praising The Happening we'd have a problem But comparing Shyamalan to Scorsese even in ignorance is simply unconscionable Which reminds me Kempf we're here to kill you And also save Olwen Actually saving Olwen was originally objective one But to be honest killing you should have been top priority from the getgo *getbro Ralph what did I tell you Dude, no, bro, don't even start, that one was totally asking for it. JUST LIKE THAT CHICK I BANGED LAST NIGHT. Aw yeah gimme a brofist for that one, Fred. Ugh okay The brofist was so filthy, it has been censored for your tender eyes. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Anyway let's smash some douchebags in their shitty faces Ha, like I would ever allow my face to acquire even a wayward dent. Oltof, it's time to initiate another of my genius military maneuvers! Which one, sir. Um. Shit, I don't know, this actually caught me off guard. Uh... Fuck it go with Murder Hollace. Murder Hollace is not an actual military strategy, sir. What, yes it is. I am absolutely certain it is not. Bullshit, I'M absolutely certain I learned it in the Academy. And me being certain is more important than you being certain. Then clue me in, what does "Murder Hollace" entail? Well. Uh. You know, it's the one where... Where you murder... Hollace. What's Hollace. Hollace is like, that guy, who uh... NO THIS IS BULLSHIT MURDER HOLLACE IS TOTALLY A LEGIT STRATEGY. WAY MORE LEGIT THAN TURTLING AT LEAST. LET'S SETTLE THIS WITH GOOGLE YEAH? Well fuck, it seems the only hits for Murder Hollace are literally me saying it. Ooh click the link at the bottom that has the little picture of us! Wait a second. What the fuck is that. Oh, that's Serenes Forest, everyone's favorite Fire Emblem fan site. No, closer. Closer! THAT IS NOT MY NAME. You sure about that Kempuf Sounds like Creampuff seems pretty accurate to me WHO IS THE VILE SORCERER BEHIND THIS WEBSITE. That would be VincentASM— TIME FOR HIM TO DIE. Soldiers, assemble! Tonight we ride... for SERENES FOREST! Isn't that on another continent No, he means the website. Isn't that not a physical location MOVE OUT! Kempf and soldiers exit. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Wait you dumbass come back we're supposed to fight Okay actually I don't give a fuck BRO. We WON! We. Are. So. CASH. Gimme a brofist right here, bro. My brother would have saved me three times faster. Yeah and why didn't he That's what I thought (End Chapter 11x) Wait don't end the chapter yet. You forgot to have me show up! You weren't supposed to show up. Aw come on I hardly got any lines last chapter, now you're gonna shaft me this chapter too? That's just cold. Half of my soldiers haven't spoken in ages. Like Marty. When was the last time Marty said anything? Like anyone cares what Marty has to say anyway. Ha ha, preach. The point is, I get the feeling you're phasing out my importance to the plot here— (End Chapter 11x) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) Chapter 12 Okay time for this highly illegal criminal behavior to come to an end. Criminal behavior, milord? Yes. The behavior of this stupid story not being focused on me at all times. In fact, I've been out of the spotlight for like fifty chapters now. Ha ha, what? We've been doing important shit too. Fighting battles, evading Hannibal's army, et cetera. Dalmatian even died, remember how tragic that was? I knelt by his dying body as he whispered how he would serve me even into the afterlife. A true soldier. His name was Dalshin, not Dalmatian, sir. Also I didn't die? At least I don't remember that happening. Fuck I thought maybe if I said it it would come true. Oh well, let's take inventory. I forgot who is even on my team, I need you guys to say "present" or something so I remember. Present, milord. Here. Omg omg omg I do right be'n here an' all for yer royal decree pleasance, guv'ner. Here and ready for action! Uh, present. Present!!! Hugs and kisses xoxoxo Babe, don't be silly, I could never forget about you. Mwah Mwah mwah Mwah They mwah for about fifty more minutes. Okay anyway, is that really it? There's only like seven of you. I thought we had more than that. Wasn't there some chick with a pegasus? What happened to her? Karin? She got captured, milord. What the fuck when did that happen? It happened when we were offscreen didn't it. See look at all this important shit everyone missed because the camera wasn't focused on me. No she got captured like. Eons ago. Whatever she wasn't worth shit anyway. But I swear we had more people. Oh wait, BALD GUY! What happened to the bald child molester? Right here, milord. Oh fuck yeah you were always my coolest subordinate. Gimme a brofist, right here. The brofist was later considered by historians a key turning point in the war. Its nuances are still studied by military tacticians in modern times. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) Okay awesome, everyone's accounted for. Now uh. What the fuck are we doing. We're headed for Tahra, a crucial city straddling the main political divide of the Thracian peninsula. It is led by Lady Linoan, a descendent of Heim and a powerful political figure. Securing her assistance will be critical in your campaign to reclaim you country, Prince Leaf. Sick shit, I just have one question. On a scale of 1 to 10, how fine is Linoan's ass? A solid 8. Emphasis on solid. Oh hell yeah! Well let's stop waiting around here, you layabouts. We march for Tahra. Milord, it's the dead of night. Marching under these circumstances is highly inadvisable. Yawn. What's my cooler advisor got to say? Reaching Tahra as soon as possible is imperative. You heard the man, Machua. We march! Omg omg wait Some man just handed me the cuuuutest paper Gimme that. Can we go can we go Omg can we??? No. Butbutbut There is going to be SURPRISES Don't you want to know what the SURPRISES are??? No. Omg omg and all the dancing snoops I want to see the dancing snoops and also the michael jackson watermarks Please please please There is literally nothing you can say to me that won't get a flat "no" response. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) While this invitation is ridiculous, an army of disposable "Snoop Doggs" would be of great benefit. You may wish to reconsider your stance on this matter. August, the Snoops aren't real. The tool probably has zero Snoops, let alone the fifty thousand promised by this Hallmark disgrace. I also doubt his claim about a "guest appearance by Kanye West." Why are we even still talking about this. Shouldn't we be fighting or something? Bandits are approaching our position, milord! Fear not, I'll— Dalshin falls asleep. Zzz... Oh yeah because the fake falling asleep gag was so funny the first time. You really fine-tuned your delivery Dalshin. Oh wait you fucking didn't because you still didn't figure out how to close your damn eyes. Milord, I think he really is asleep this time. Zzz... Whatever, I honestly care so little I'll believe it. The rest of you, battle positions. ... What, did you all forget how to fight?? Well, to be fair, milord, it's been a long time... Shut up. General Fergus, you were always my best soldier. That hasn't changed, has it? Not a chance. Let's go, shitty bandit enemies! Fergus shits on some bandits. Literally Oh hell yes motherfuckers, Fergus is on fire— Fergus falls asleep. Zzz... Did you all acquire magical narcolepsy suddenly? We've sat around doing fuckall for six chapters, you have no excuse to be tired. Yeah! Leafypoo and I spent the whole time in bed, so we're all refreshed and perky~ Ha ha, yeah. That was definitely a thing that happened, and was awesome. But now it's time to get down to manly man business, which means no more fucking around! Hicks, Assdick, get your shit together and kill these shitty bandits. Oh come on you're not even trying to get my name right. Correct. You know why? Because I don't care. You are a terrible friend and a constant disappointment. Until you prove me wrong, your names will only become more degrading and dehumanizing. Ugh. Asvel Grafcaliburs some fuckers. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) You too Hicks, get your trailer trash ass into the fray. Oi do right lurve me some guv'nership-serving, wot wot! And do it without talking, kthx? Who burrows a random bandit chapter this deep into the story anyway? Like ugh, isn't the whole bandits attacking trope beyond played out by now? Trope? Story...? Okay, Leaf, I fucking killed everyone. Is that fucking good enough for you, are we square now? I even killed the shitty sub-boss who literally just had the mug of a random bandit. Thanks Shitfuck, your purpose is served. What about Hicks? He fell asleep, milord. Zzz... Yes, miguv'ner... Zzz... Righten doin the gudden jollops, wurt... Okay who even cares at this point. The enemies are anticlimactically cleaned up offscreen, as it should be. Why isn't the fight over. I want to move to a chapter where shit actually happens. Because to be quite honest, as far as comeback chapters go, this fucking sucks. I bet everyone reading this is all "Boo bring back Kempf this guy sucks" "Prince Leaf more like Prince Queef" Excuse me, milord. But what are you talking about. I'm talking about the broader overarching ideas fueling this struggle. You mean reclaiming your nation and liberating the world from evil? No, bigger than that. So you mean like your dick~ No, I know that is astronomically huge, but even bigger. As is clear to everyone with a brain, the narrative has schismed into several perspectival shards. Rather than being the primo #1 big daddies we were during the Manster arc, We're now one of many wannabe head honchos vying for narrative supremacy. A competition decided by the humor value of the parties in question. And guess what? We fucking suck. Perhaps it would be best if you got some sleep as well, Prince Leaf. Whatever. Aren't people supposed to join us this chapter? We need new blood to freshen our routine. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) Dalshin and Hicks really aren't cutting it. Especially when they're asleep. What about me what about me I'm cute and funny and adorbs and everyone likes me right right right No. Hey, I'm joining your team. Goddammit. You're not new blood, you're old blood recycled to seem new. You aren't even funny, you're a holdover from the shitty first chapter of this story. Why do you insist on calling our campaign a "story," Prince Leaf? Bah, whatever. It's another cute chick, I can't complain about cute chicks joining my team. Also you seem like you don't blow chunks combat-wise? Blowing chunks is definitely not part of my vernacular. Well, at least that gives me another get-out-of-strategy-free card. Anyway, Megan or whatever your name is. Mareeta. Yeah whatever. Idgaf what "relevance" you think you have. Showing up in Chapter 1 and waiting all this time to make your dramatic entrance. I don't care whose daughter you are or what kingdom you're the pretty princess of. Whatever the deal is, those facts aren't important to this story. Thus while you have free license to kill all of the enemies, do it without talking yeah? ... Good, you cotton fast. Now let's check out this throne I guess I have to seize. Maybe there's a funny boss to salvage this trainwreck of a chapter. Salutations, I am— Okay. No. Dude. Your hair. What. Ah, so you have inquired about my stylish do. Allow me to explicate. This is what is considered a "pompadour." It looks like the Blob is devouring your head. It is quite trendy and fashionable, I assure you. Just. Just get off the throne. This chapter is over. I'm done. I have been tasked with defense of this gate. I shall not move. Yeah whatever. I issue a princely decree stating this chapter is done. Draft it up for me pronto, Machua. Make sure it reads exactly thus: "(End Chapter 12)" Don't forget the italics, those are important for some reason. Yes, milord. (End Chapter 12) (By royal decree of Prince Leaf of Leonster.) Edited May 1, 2016 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) Chapter 12x Oh bullshit don't slap me with that gaidan bullshit now of all times. Okay whatever maybe this chapter is actually cool. What's the plan, what are we doing? I believe we are assaulting the headquarters of my former employer. Is he another random bandit? ...And does this mean you're on my team now. Correct on both counts! I have indeed joined your team. Furthermore, my former employer is also a random bandit! However, he is not nearly as vile-hearted as Colho. Who's Colho. Fear not, you already slew Colho. I don't remember doing this. Perhaps you merely captured him? I believe that may be possible. I am, however, unable to access a computer to check whether his build stat is sufficiently low— Okay shut the fuck up. You are beyond boring. You put the rest of my boring ass army to shame. If boringness was a prize, you won. Forever. Anyway, as I was saying, my former employer is actually what is colloquially referred to as a "softie." He is a prince among thieves, royalty among brigands! His name is Pahn. ... Pahn. Correct! Omg omg I know Pahn he's— Prince Leaf punches Lara in the face. Everyone out, we're aborting this mission RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Is something the matter, Prince Leaf? NOTHING'S THE MATTER WE'RE JUST MAKING AS IF THIS CHAPTER HAS NO CONDOM AND PULLING OUT. Ah yes, wouldn't want to leave forensic evidence for the police to detect. I believe you are all overreacting. Pahn is, as I said, rather nice! Come, I'll introduce you— Machua! Another fucking princely decree, NOW! Uhhh DON'T GAWK AT ME LIKE A DUNCE, END THIS FUCKING CHAPTER. Are you sure, milord? This, uh, "chapter" just began! NOW NOW NOW GET US OUT NOW If you say so... (End Chapter 13) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) Chapter 14 Oh my god you dumb slut, you did it wrong. You ended Chapter 13! I thought we were on Chapter 13? I mean, I actually had no clue, but considering before that we were on Chapter 12... Ugh. We were on Chapter 12x, not Chapter 13. How the hell was I supposed to know that?? What does "12x" even mean? 12 times what? That's not a proper equation! What about algebra, it looks like an algebra thing. I would know, math is my strong suit. Goddammit. There might have been something important in Chapter 13. I wonder if— Oh shit bitch ass niggas quick to tha party Get yer ass outta here I ain't even stocked Bacardi Pulling crazy time shit as if yo name was Marty McFly I mean, not the man Dagda loved Almost as fly as the kush I just huffed Chiefin n shit, step back fore ya'll get scuffed What. Wait what's that I'm scoping some choice ass bitches Dat rear getting me a little jumpin in the fly of my britches Busy tonight? I'm bitch-booked but for you I'll cancel all other pitches Ew, no. I'm actually flabbergasted not that this guy is (surprise) a total tool, But rather that at some point between Chapter 12x and now I decided to actually go to his shitty party. Why did I do that? Okay, whatever. Chalk this up to "Another shitty chapter to skip." Machua, get the decree ready. Um, okay, I know this strange man in the glasses is unpleasant. And I'm still not exactly sure what's happening here. But if we are, as you seem to imply, part of some sort of narrative, Wouldn't fucking around with that narrative be potentially devastating? How much can we skip here before things start getting weird? Good question. Let's skip to the end. What?? Actually, this is a tactically sound strategy. If we have the ability to "skip" to the liberation of Leonster, why would we not do that? Avoiding a random series of potentially unpleasant battles, in which some or all of us might die? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) That's settled. Apparently, the only legitimate strategy the whole time was just "cheating." Ready the decree, Machua. Okay, I guess you're set on this. But I go on record saying this is a terrible plan. At the very least, it undermines the literary merit of our tale. "Literary merit" snrk Any other hilariously cute objections to pressing the win button? None? Great. Machua, skip to the end. Fine, fine. But tell me what chapter I'm supposed to end. Hey good question. How many chapters are in this shitty game anyway? Uh. Is it a book or a game? It's a game. Then why are you talking about chapters? It's a game that has chapters. Okay fuck it I'm checking out of this conversation. Great, you were saying absolutely nothing interesting anyway. Back to the question at hand. I guess to find out how many chapters this has, we'll have to check online. To Serenes Forest! ... Um. Well, okay. Guess it turns out the last chapter is just called... Final Chapter. I'm surprised it wasn't called "Kempf Chapter." Whatever, let's get out of here before the purple-haired ponce starts rapping again. I don't want to do it. What?? I've been thinking. Always a bad sign. As an English major, I have decided I cannot in good conscience post this decree. If we truly are nothing more than characters in a story/game, We cannot screw around with the narrative continuity. We will probably make whoever is writing our story very sad. He or she will probably start crying, even. Fine. You know what? I'll do it. Only fitting Prince Leaf would be the one to end this shitty story. You ready, everyone? Easy street epilogue here we come! (End Final Chapter) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) EPILOGUE Welp, guess this is the end of the game. Grats guys, we did it, we won. Yeah yeah I know, I'm the best. Try to hold your praise and/or attempts to suck my dick. Unless you're a chick, then that's totally okay. I suppose you technically won. You did, after all, give the order to skip to the end. Exactly. I'm the big hero, didn't have a single casualty. Except Dalshin. Poor Dalshin. Wait, milord! Turns out I didn't die! I just fell asleep. I can see how you were confused. Yeah whatever. Now what? I assume you take control of your kingdom. Don't forget to bestow gracious benefits to those who aided you along the way. Wink. Ew no I'm not having sex with you. I meant monetary benefits, you daft fool! Or a new concubine. I've been so lonely since Roxanne... Whoa. What the fuck are you guys doing here. The hell are you? You look completely inconsequential and pointless. You're some generic minister, aren't you. Here to say "congratulations" or whatever for winning. No. I'm Berdo. The main villain. Haha, Berdo? We're fighting Berdo? Waaaait a sec. I may not know dickall about what's going on. But if we won the game, why's the final boss still alive? Because you didn't beat the game. Uh, clearly I did. Did you see the header that started this chapter? It said "Epilogue." As in, GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER. We nuked you from orbit. It was the only way to be sure. Yeah, it sure is the epilogue. The epilogue to my glorious victory!!! MUA HA HA HA HA!!! Nobody thought I would do it. Nobody thought I had the potential. "Oh Bishop Berdo, he's a nobody." "Only shows up three times in the entire story." "Worst villain in the series." Well guess what?? I WON. I did. ME. Finn is dead. I killed him myself! And then I learned that Prince Leaf was also dead. There was no way for Leonster to be reunited. One by one, I extinguished the resistance forces. Now I reign supreme! Over what. Over... Over Manster, obviously! Berdo, what's going on here? Bishop Manfloy! You've arrived. I told you I'd mop up the resistance forces, did I not? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) What? That's stupid. You were never supposed to win. I needed the resistance to fight Trabant. Two birds with one stone, y'know? I only sent you to Manster as a token show of Loptyr's power. You were the most expendable bishop I had. W-what?? I thought we were friends, Manfloy! We go way back! Remember that time we sacrificed all those babies together? Such good times! Sorry Berdo, I'm not in the friendship business. Hm. Prince Leaf, I suspect we may have a problem. When you skipped to the end, you may have created some sort of paradox. Meaning that you weren't around in the present to do things. Thus this future is the future that would happen were you to disappear. Well shit, Berdo's right here let's wipe his ass. Poor choice of words, milord. I mean look at this guy's stats, we can take him. Despite being underleveled and unpromoted. UM NO CAN'T DO THAT KID. Epilogue is a non-combat chapter there's not even a map! I won and there's nothing you can do, nyah nyah nyah. Also fuck you Manfloy, suck one thousand dicks! Oh sorry, can't. Your anti-porn decree won't allow me. Fuck, is he telling the truth? I'm afraid so. There's no way to start a battle in the Epilogue. No dickus I mean the anti-porn decree. That shit ain't right. Well, I don't care. I won and that's final. Thus, all porn is outlawed. FOREVER. And all sex too. That—that's— It can't be! You DASTARD! Now everyone will know the pain of being a transgender egg-shooting monster! I don't think they will. But this is heinous nonetheless. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) Prince Leaf, we must do something. If this "No Sex" decree is allowed to pass, why... Why, I'll never have sex again! But what can we do? The game's over! We have to un-end it. Is that even possible? How should I know? You're the one who ended it in the first place—Do another decree. Except bring us back to wherever we were before we started skipping around. Oh right, should be easy. Machua, take us back to Chapter 13. You mean Chapter 12x. I remember because we had that big discussion. About how stupid it was to have an x next to the 12. Uh no we can skip Chapter 12x I'm pretty sure. Nothing important there. Au contraire! We were all going to meet my employer, Pahn. Remember? Hm seems unimportant to me just a random bandit who cares ha ha. Actually, if you spoke with him, I'm sure he'd join you. Along with his loyal compatriots. Oh, most excellent. We could use a larger fighting force. What no, we need no more people at all, our team is perfectly fine as is, we have, uh... You know. The usual people. Hicks and Dolphin. Ooh, who's Dolphin? You also have me. Oh yeah that's right! We recruited Muh... Muh... Mareeta. Yeah! That probably rounds our team out to like. Fifty people. That's way too many, how can we manage an army like that? Everyone would be reduced to like one line a chapter. It's already like half our team never speaks at all! (Maybe if you didn't hog the screen time, blabbermouth) I am not convinced by your arguments, Prince Leaf. Especially considering how you quite recently lamented having so few soldiers. I did that? No way. Not me at all. I heard it. Me too. Ditto. Perfect! Then you really must meet Pahn. Gaah fucking FINE holy FUCK. Let's meet Pahn, get it fucking over with. Jesus. Omg omg as I was saying Pahn is like soooo cool He taught me how to be a dancer like wheee~ A dancer. Omg omg omg it was so much fun And all I had to do was take off my clothes while I did it! Did I hear mention of sexual behavior? I'm afraid that's against the rules. I'll be confiscating your genitals now. Auuugh Go on Machua end the chapter. Let's hurry it up. As you wish. (End Chapter 12) (For real.) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Chapter 12x Oh boy, we're back. Perfect. I'll take you to Pahn, but first I must lay down some ground rules. You're to abide them at all times, understand? Lemme hear them, I bet they're totally reasonable and not awful at all. First and foremost, you shall refer to Pahn by the title "Pimpdaddy." There are to be no exceptions. However, some variants are acceptable. For instance: "Pimpmaster" and "The Pimpfather." However, always use a definite article when saying "The Pimpfather." Never simply "Pimpfather," always "The Pimpfather." Question. Ask and be enlightened, young scholar. How about "Pimppop." Hm. It sounds too similar to the pinching of pustules, not the image Pimpdaddy desires. Okay how about "Pimpdad." I'm trying to cut out as many syllables as possible. So saying it is only a quick pain, instead of a long excruciating one. I would highly suggest adhering to "Pimpdaddy," or approved variants. Moving to the second rule: No touching the merchandise. What merchandise. Ah, you've stumbled upon the genius of this particular rule. (I wrote the rules, by the way.) Its deliberate vagueness allows it to encompass three rules at once. "The merchandise" herein described has three definitions: 1. The material objects held within this keep. 2. The women. 3. Pimpdaddy's "endowment," so to speak. Shit I really looked forward to stroking this guy's massive throbbing cock. Too bad that's against the rules! Gosh darn. I dunno Leafypoo I think you're maybe really disappointed! You're only using sarcasm to cover up how you truly feel~ Woman I swear. Tee hee~ Don't be afraid, Leafy~ Let out your inner feelings. Don't repress them! Pimpadour, what's the next rule. The final rule is no smoking. Secondhand smoke kills. Now, please follow me. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Okay, so uh Fergus. Time for you to flex your muscles as Grand General. You mean, like. Like what actually does the Grand General rank entail. I have, uh, business to do. Elsewhere. So you're in charge. You mean you want me to talk to this Pimpdaddy guy? Diplomacy's not my strong suit. Also when the hell have you ever had any business to do ever. When he has business with me~ Ah, yes, that's right. I have business with my close confidante Nanna. We need to discuss some things. Privately. Hint hint. Right on dude. I'll do what you always do and delegate responsibility to underlings. Machua, you're an English major. You talk to this Pimpdaddy guy. Sigh, fine. Prince Leaf, I understand your libido is legendary, but these are potentially crucial allies. Shut up August I know what I'm doing. Let's just say this Pahn guy— Pimpdaddy. Let's just say this Pahn guy— Pimp. Daddy. No shut up no no no. Let's just say this Pahn guy might, uh, you know. Recognize me from another life. If you catch my drift. Ah. Another life? What are you insinuating? Nothing, my dear, it's simply that Prince Leaf has always been a devout Hindu. He once hired a man because his name was Shiva! We mustn't interfere with one's spirituality. Nanna, take him away. My pleasure~ Nanna and Prince Leaf exit. Holy crap is he really gone? Maybe the rest of us can get some lines now! No. You know who's talking now? Me. I'm temporary lord until Leaf gets back. Fergus Mercenaries, move out! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Pahn's room. What's on the itinerary today. Fergus Mercenaries, move in! Jesus Christ. Milord, I have brought soldiers under the banner of Prince Leaf. They seek an alliance. Leaf? Of Lenster? Or whatever they're calling it now? He's pretty dead last I heard. Look Pimpdaddy— Pahn. But Bad Hair Day said— Sigh. Salem. What did I tell you. "Pimpdaddy" is never going to become a thing. Stop trying to make it a thing. Milord, it's called making a name for yourself— And stop calling me your lord, I'm not a lord. I'm a normal guy running a clean joint. Haha, but you are a pimp right? I prefer to think of myself as an entrepreneur. Peter Pahn's Palace caters to the needs of the business class. Our establishment provides a fun dining experience with live entertainment. Perfect for birthdays, special occasions, or those just looking for a good time. No, no, no. What did I tell you? We need to reposition ourselves as the alternative in hired sexual entertainment. Market research indicates huge untapped profit sectors. Spurred by Manster's no-sex decrees, demand is up up up! It's crazy not to exploit the scarcity of our chief commodity. The fact that it's against the law is exactly why we can't do that. Your business sense is as trash-tier as your hairdo, Salem! Bad time? No, no, no. Stay, friends. Salem, go analyze some charts or whatever. Anyway, I hear you're a representative of Prince Leaf? Yeah, I'm Grand General Fergus. This is my secretary, Machua. Your what. The others are peons. Hm... not bad, not bad. A few could be less waif and more waifu but that comes with training. I'll offer 20,000 gold. Haha, what? Sorry, I'm not one to barter. 20,000 gold is my fair and final appraisal. No I mean like. Why are you offering me gold? Like sure I'll take it no problemo but what am I supposed to pony up in return? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Your women, of course. 10,000 a piece is standard going rate if the goods are fetching enough. Which I'm pleased to say in this case they are. Oh dear lord is this happening to me AGAIN? Omg Pahn but Pahn Pahn don't you remember me Pahn? Oh god dammit Lara why are you back here? I told you. You're FIRED. I don't want you anymore. Sorry Fergus, I can't take this one. She gives the guests anxiety. Omg omg but watch watch I've been practicing! Lara does a cute dance. Twirl~! Oh shit, Pahn. See that? Lara's worth at least 15,000. Nope, she's way more trouble than she's worth. Give her Ritalin man, it's all good. 10,000 for the other broad, that's the deal now. "Other broad." Yay me. Actually, I'll make it 15,000 if you toss in your secretary too. Why am I only half price? I mean—Fergus! You can't be seriously considering this! Yeah come on Pahn, Machua's not that ugly. 7,500 at least. How much am I worth? Fergus! This isn't what we're here for. We're supposed to be recruiting this guy, remember? Recruiting me? For your cause? Uh, why would I ever do that. Oh shit I actually know the answer to this one. Because we're fighting to overthrow Manster's sex ban! Really? And probably some other stuff. But most importantly to save sex. Like saving Christmas but better. That is actually a cause I could get behind. Like you could get behind the lovely Machua, amirite? *Wink* Dude. I'm gay. It's strictly business. Oh. Guess that explains the Peter Pahn thing then. And also that Salem guy. MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SALEM IS PURELY FINANCIAL. Okay dude whatever. No skin off my dick. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Ahem, yes. So we were discussing this whole "overthrowing Manster's sex ban" thing. I can see this being something of great benefit to my business. Good, because I said that already. Now, I would love to grant you troops. And money and stuff. Oh dammit what's the but. But I mean. Come on. You guys aren't gonna win. Uh we totally are we got Prince Leaf of Lenster on our side. More like Prince Leaf of Loser. Not to mention I think he died. That's all I'm hearing nowadays. Oh yeah the whole dead thing. So the thing about that is it's not true. We disseminated that story as rumor to get the Empire off our tail. Who do you think we are, some kind of amateurs? (Fergus where did you learn a word like disseminated.) (Only English majors are allowed to use that word.) (I know my thesaurus dick is making you wet, Machua, but shush I'm wheeling and dealing here.) Pahn, trust us, we got this shit on lock. We already beat Generals Truman and Eisenhower. What about General Kennedy, I hear he's a tough customer. Well see Kennedy and all the other U.S. presidents are why we need you. We got the plan, we just need the Pahn. Hm. I don't want to end up a pawn in your schemes. No way, I guarantee you'll be the Pahn in our schemes. Wait. Well, you get the idea. I need to consult with my financial advisor before making a commitment. In the meantime I invite you and your cadre to enjoy yourselves. Peter Pahn's Palace offers the finest in Mexican cuisine. Dem dirty Mexicans!! They them there stealin' my occupations all Mexican-like! Closin' dem borders *grumble grumble* What the heck is a Mexican. Please Fergus, have you not heard of the nation of Mexico? It's south of Thracia. Trabant's new amnesty policy has exacerbated— Okay I'm done with this. Let's just fucking eat okay? My waiter Trude will show you to your table. Ha ha, you hired a guy named Trude?? ... Beats Shiva. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Pahn's "restaurant." Lucky me, guess I don't have to be sold into slavery after all. Yay. Hello there. Your name is Mareeta, is it not? Look guy, it's been a long day. I'm not in the mood for whatever moves you're gonna put on me. Oh no, you're much too old for my tastes. Gee, great. I'm simply wondering why you're not eating with the rest of the army. Well it's not like I even know any of them. Except Nanna, but she's not here right now. She's banging that bogus Prince Leaf guy. You don't believe that shit do you? It's so obviously not him. That's actually what I came to talk to you about. I'd recommend not mentioning that to anyone. I'm just here to murder motherfuckers, I don't care what scheme you're running. ... Hello? Huh what yes? What are you looking at? A pure and unadulterated vision of loveliness. My name's Talking Tina. What a harmonious voice! What a heavenly chime! Man you are one sick motherfucker. Depart from my presence, accursed cougar. I've more jejune flock to pursue. I don't need to be asked twice. Mareeta exits the fuck out. Now then. Tina, you said your name was? My name's Talking Tina! And I like you very much. How extraordinary! Because I like you very much as well, Tina. We'll be fast friends. My name's Talking Tina! Wanna play? Why, I'd love to. August. That's not a real human being. It's a doll. Nonsense, Tina is my new best friend. Could a doll talk like she does? She says the same thing over and over. Look. My name's Talking Tina! And I don't think I like you very much, Assbell. That's disconcerting. Whatever, at least if you're molesting a doll it's not like a real person. So there's that. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Oh, but she's very real. In my heart, she is. Tina, we shall never be apart. Come hither, my dear~ Hicks hurls a plate from across the room. I AIN'T NO DAMN EATIN' NO MEXICAN FOOD! Haha, calm the fuck down man. It's just food. IT'S DOOT-DARN CHALLENGIN' MY GOSH-DANGED WAY OF LIFE! Sir, don't make me restrain you. By murdering you. Seriously Hicks sit back and enjoy yourself. Look at these lovely dancers entertaining us. Fergus, they're strippers. I find this morally wrong. Omg omg can I dance too can I can I please I'm organizing a protest against this indecency. My nonprofit will be called DAD, Dalshins Against Dancing. Ain't got no jobs 'cuz these there Mexicans be comin' in all sneaky-like... Oh my god will all of you shut the fuck up. Now I understand Prince Leaf's pain. For starters, Hicks. You have a job. No Mexicans took it from you or are going to take it from you. Does it look like we have any Mexicans in our army? I'm Mexican. DEPORT! Dammit Machua did you really have to say anything. I refuse to hide my heritage. I am a proud Mexican! The point is, everyone shut up. Everyone. Shh little babies. Rockabye. My petition already has two— Shh. Shh. Shhhhhh. It's gonna be okay. Daddy Fergus is here. Shh. Uh, what the fuck are you doing? Desperate times call for desperate measures, Pahn. You reach a decision? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Yeah, so I'm still pretty sure you're going to fail. Which means I won't give you too much money. I'll lend you some muscle, though. Trude, you're going with them. ... Nice, nice, that's what we need. More generic goons. Prince Leaf will be thrilled. I'm also sending Salem to ensure my investments. Dude what investments. One shitty unit? The 100,000 in gold I'll also be granting you. But you said you weren't giving us money? Correction: not much money. This is chump change. You should see the standard going rates for mercenaries nowadays. According to shivaslist.com, it's around 1.5 million. Holy shit I'm a mercenary and I'm not charging that much! Actually. I'm not charging anything. How the hell did that happen? Because Prince Leaf made you Grand General, remember. He then chuckled deviously and said, "Hee hee, I can buy loyalty with meaningless bureaucratic posts!" Anyway, that's what I'm willing to offer. What about you? You look like a swanky dude. We could use some not-braindead people on our team. Fuck that shit. There's a reason only braindead people join you. I have a request. Allow us to take this Talking Tina character as well. My name's Talking Tina. Uh sure. Really? Isn't this one of your employees? I expected you to drive a hard bargain. I was willing to trade Dalshin if need be. Potentially Hicks as well. I've honestly never seen that thing before. You think I keep creepy dolls around my restaurant? Bleck, just thinking about those soulless eyes gives me the heeby-jeebies. Take it away. Twee~ August and Talking Tina do a little jig. Dance party!!! Smash Mouth's timeless classic All Star plays. Everyone gets up and boogies. What a happy ending! Meanwhile, in an evil lair. Most excellent, most excellent indeed. My puppet has found its way into Rifis's ranks. Soon... Soon!! Saphy the fuck are you doing. (End Chapter 12x) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) Chapter 13 Outside Tahra. Finally, like holy. Wow, Fergus. You really came through for me. I didn't expect much, but. Three new recruits AND 10,000 gold? All part of my duty as Grand General of Leonster, milord. Now to meet the fresh faces. Good day, milord. I am Salem— Next. ... Oh, this one's bursting with personality. Like god fucking dammit guy. Help me out, give me a list of character traits. Interests. Favorite music. Fuck. ... I'm a big Kenny Loggins fan. Okay and who's the third. My name's Talking Tina. Fergus, you've been swindled. This isn't a soldier it's a creepy doll. Prince Leaf, I implore you not to be so harsh on Talking Tina! Besides, you hate everyone anyway, what does their personality matter? True. Omigod omigod Prince Leaf I see it I see Tahra! Great that's where we're going right— Wait wait wait. Tahra is that place on the shitty invitation isn't it. You fucking snake, you deceived me! Butbutbut Prince Leaf I just wanted you to have fun No. I'm having zero fun. Negative fun, Lara. *Sniffle* Sorry... You better be. I was gonna buy an adorable new party dress and everything... Pah! With what money? With the cut Fergus gave me to keep quiet about—MMPH That's quite enough Lara. It's obvious Prince Leaf doesn't want your shit right now. Right on, general. Taking the initiative. You rise in my esteem with every passing moment. Too bad you don't have enough hands to silence all the women in my employ. Piss off I haven't said anything like all day. A nice streak, now ruined. Why can't you be like the other guy. Uh. What's-his-name. Trude. Yeah be like Trudy and never speak. Ever. I'm getting mixed signals, boss. You want me to have a personality or not to talk. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) Hate to interrupt, but there's an enemy army assembled beyond these hills. Of course. We can't go anywhere without fighting an army. More reason not to go to Tahra. But Prince Leaf, I implore you to remember Lady Linoan and her Rank 8 ass! Nope I'd need a solid 10 to even consider it. Besides, he has ME to keep him satisfied in the booty department! But Prince Leaf, establishing allies in Tahra will bolster your claim to the throne. You wouldn't want a certain usurping knight to steal your thunder? It's imperative to get your foot in the door before ill... rumors emerge. I don't want to decipher your bullshit August just tell me. Do we have to go to Tahra or not. We have to go. Siiiiiigh. Onward we ride. Meanwhile. We have Tahra surrounded and reinforcements are imminent. Rist, your orders are very simple. Don't attack. We must wait for our allies to arrive. Remember that, Rist. Don't attack. I'll be back later to oversee the assault. Paulus exits. SOUND THE ATTACK BOYS Meanwhile meanwhile. They've sounded the attack? That makes zero tactical sense whatsoever. What general called for this order? And why? Stop talking to yourself, Glade. Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile. Promotion. Promotion promotion promotion. Promotion? Promotion. General Rist, you're disobeying a direct order! Do you know what the punishment for that is? Promotion! No, General Rist. No. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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