General Banzai Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Wait, the Leaf wants to speak. (The leaf?!) ... What! Yuvel was kidnapped by Leidrick? ... And you saved him? ... That's it, I've had it with Manster. I'm joining you guys. Uh, well then. Where'd you get that leaf? He was in the cell with us. Why? (If anyone finds out he's the true Prince Leaf I'm screwed!) (I gotta assassinate him. But how... and when?) ... (Look at him, watching me, biding his time...) (I'll get you, kid. When your back is turned, you're mine.) Wait, Dalshin, you're really joining us? You saved Yuvel. For that, you have my eternal gratitude. You seriously named your kid Yuvel? Jesus. I don't understand, what's wrong with the name Yuvel? I descend from a long line of Yuvels. Men of character, of strong values and loyal hearts. Then why's your name Dalshin? Practical joke by my mother. My father... was not pleased. I had a new mother real fast. Loyal hearts indeed. Prince Leaf, all that's left is to escape. Let the rest of us go first, or else we'll be captured. Fine, but hurry up about it. Also, we should retrieve Brighton— Nope keep going. But sir— No time, acceptable losses. You'll understand when you're older. Rifis and his army escape. Meanwhile. Why are we here again? Don't remember. Obligatory cameo? Must be. ... ... ... That's all the screen time we're gonna get, isn't it? Pretty much. (End Chapter 4) Edited April 30, 2016 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) Chapter 4x Manster Prison... still. Saphy said these Manster Chapters would be hard. So far I haven't had any trouble at all. That's because we did all the fighting last battle, milord. And you'll do all the fighting in this one, too! Now someone tell me how to get out of here. No clue. This is the part of the prison we don't usually go into. I once sent a prop boy down here thinking it was a broom closet. He never returned. Legend has it that— Stop talking. Well, we'll find the exit eventually. After that last battle, how many soldiers could even be left down here? An army of mages and armor knights attacks. What is this bullshit. What are these guys even guarding? Another dark corridor? Another empty cell? Isn't there a war somewhere? Milord, our orders? Oh, right. Everyone sacrifice yourselves to save me. Yes, milord. Wait. I don't like this plan. Maybe I should be the tactician for now, yeah? Dalshin has tough armor, so he stands in front. For the glory of House Yuvel! Armor Knights attack Dalshin; Dink! No Damage. The Yuvel bloodline will not falter! Mages attack Dalshin; Massive Damage. Ow. Dalshin's in trouble. We need to help him! Weren't you ranting last battle about how evil he was? But he's a blue guy now. So that fixes everything? Yeah. Whatever, go save him. *Armorslayer* *Hammer* *Lucky critical because she's not doing much otherwise* Hey, you. You should do something too. With what? This Iron Sword? Ha. If you're too weak to attack the knights, go for the mages. That's like Tactics 101, right after "Use Seth to win." Meanwhile, milord, you can steal the tomes from the mages no problem. I refuse to put my lordship in any danger. You don't even have to fight them, man. Just take their tomes. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) Too much effort. You do it. I'm the wrong class. You're telling me a big muscle guy like you can't just waltz up to some dinky mage, slap a bitch, and take his tome? Yeah but you can take their tome without them even knowing it. How the hell is that supposed to work? How am I supposed to steal something someone is holding. And using to try and kill me. When I take it will I be accompanied by a comical sound effect? Will the mage look at the camera and go "Ruh roh"? Will a laugh track kick in? I got a magic tome am I a loli mage now Now the internet creeps are gonna fap to me ew gross See? It worked for her, and she's half your size. Hey where are tome? How I shoot fire? Dunno lol. Rifis shanks Generic Mage. Hey this combat thing is easier than I thought! Dude, you killed a guy that didn't even have a weapon. So cool right? I need an epic ballad to commemorate my achievement. Machua, you're my new official Ballad Scribe. Write something I can spread to the populace as propaganda of my awesomeness. Already on it, sir. "The Ballad of Prince Leaf and the Unarmed Mage." To Kingdom of evil leader Leidrick, The God-Prince Leaf of Lenster came to kill A Mage with a lamentable eye tick. Screaming with a cry both horrid and shrill, The Mage leapt at God-Prince with Fire in hand But looked back in shame realizing his fault— The Fire Tome was gone, the weapon unmanned Like the panopticon named by Foucault. Seizing the chance, Honorable Prince Leaf Ran his brave blade through the villain's foul heart And shouted, "Take that, you treacherous queef!" Thus is the extent of my storied art. Wow, not bad. I enjoyed the part about the treacherous queef. Thank you, milord. I was an English major in college. Writing mock epics is about all I can do. Well your stats certainly aren't changing that. General Fergus, what's the status of the battle? I'm a general now? Awesome! (I'm finally getting the hang of this politics stuff...) (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) We've cleared the first wave of enemies. But Dalshin's hurt and there are more enemies ahead. General Fergus, I trust your judgment. Slay the enemies and clear me an exit. Yes, milord! Who else can I cement to my cause with meaningless handouts? Hey girl. Karin. Right. Wanna be my new Super Grand Ambassador? I'm already a knight of another country. What country could be as magnificent as mighty Manster? Lenster, sir. God damn it Lenster screws up my alliteration. Lemme try again. What country could be as luscious as lucrative Lenster? Leave the English to me next time. While I appreciate the offer and all, Silesia is just kinda better. At everything. For starters, our prince is Sety, who breaks the game. Hey, the leader of the Magi Squad is named Sety! Well, he tells us to call him Agent Awesome. Prince Leaf, my scouts indicate additional forces ahead. Scouts? Yeah, Lara. I was totally a girl scout as a kid I had a really cute outfit and sold cookies and it was sooooo fun~ I was a girl scout once. Omigod you'd be sooooo cute in uniform! The other girls teased me. They called me fat and stupid. It was the beginning of my descent into depression. I started with bulimia— Sounds like a wonderful story. Truly, inspiring. But I've got a holy war to fight so it'll wait until some other time, k thanks? It's okay. Nobody reads my stories. That's why I burned my English degree and became a mercenary. Bogeys approaching, milord. Enter Sety and Asvel. Holy fuck their stats. Don't worry, they're on our side. More subjects for my growing empire! Hey, how would you like to be Senior Post Official Managers? Sorry, I'm already prince of my own country, which I'm irresponsibly avoiding like the plague. Prince Sety? Prince Sety, is that you? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) Nope, must be somebody else. Drop the charade. Okay fine. It's me. Happy? Now how about we work out a little deal. I pay you an exorbitant sum of money and you don't blab about this to my mother. Your mother's dead. ...Shit. Now will you go back with me? You expect me to show my face in Silesia now? "Oh look it's Prince Sety the deadbeat son." "What a fucking hero." I need to lie low until everything blows over. But our country needs you. You're our only hope! Look, I've heard stories of Prince Leaf of Lenster masquerading as an actual leaf. This foolproof scheme somehow deceives everyone. Just go back to Silesia with this and you'll be fine. Milord, this is a piece of parchment. With your name written on it. The perfect ruse. Now time to make quick egress before anyone else gets suspicious. Too bad, there's only one way out this prison. You'll stay with us until— Nah, Holsety. Sety casts Holsety. Its ridiculous statistical buffs are so game-breaking that the game literally breaks, rending the fabric of spacetime. Sety exits through the resulting wormhole, which closes behind him. I wanna do that. Say, I'm the lord of this game, don't I get some nifty super powerful weapon? Ha, nope. Whatever. How about this kid in the short-shorts? You joining my army? Don't you recognize me, Prince Leaf? I'm your childhood friend, Asvel! Oh yeah Asvel I totally remember you. Definitely. You've certainly changed a lot since we were kids. Nice... earring. You dare insult my fabulous jewelry? Er, ahem. I mean, welcome aboard. You can be my new Strategic Operatives Commander Man. Yowza! Now what's the situation, General Fergus? That Sety fellow cleared most of the enemies. There are just a coupla scrubs behind these doors. Worry not, Prince Leaf. I chugged a Vulnerary, now I'm feeling fine. Open the door! Lara opens the door. I'll take on anything you can throw at me! Devil Axe Armor attacks. Oh cripes that hurt— Thunder Mage attacks. Ouch ow ouch Uh, tactical retreat! Dalshin retreats. This is why I'm the general and he isn't. Fergus defeats the enemies. That's everything, Prince Leaf. All that's left is to escape. Wait, really? That's it? No boss or anything? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) Well there was a bishop but he didn't have a face or a name so I guess not. There were also some kids locked up but I had Lara take care of them. Huh. That's odd. You think there'd be some recolor saying "I can't let you escape!" They usually plop someone like that at the end of a map. I dunno. Now let's escape here before— Not so fast! Brighton? We thought you were captured! Why hello. How would you like to be my Super Duper Ultra Secretary— Hold your tongue, knave! Uh oh we're busting out the mean names now. You dastard! Rapscallion! Someone give me another. Ragamuffin. Cur! Yellowbelly! Okay, we get the point— Sourpuss! OKAY. Enough already. Now what I'm trying to say is: "Prince Leaf" is a fraud! The real— Jerk! Seriously? I'm trying to— Dumb guy! Okay, I'll wait. ... ... You done? Now, what I'm trying to say is that the real Prince Leaf is not this impostor. But rather... this leaf right here! ... Puh-lease, who'd believe that stupid story? Certainly not Grand General Fergus, right? My allegiance remains with the one giving me ridiculous promotions. Mine too! Even though he hasn't given me anything yet. Are you all too blind to see that this leaf is the true Leaf? Well, Brighton, our Leaf is an actual person. That's kinda important. Even you, Machua? I thought you were smarter than this. I'm sorry, Brighton. But Prince Leaf gave me a job that actually uses my English degree. I have a reason to live again. Then it appears I have no choice. Until I find the power to restore the true Leaf to the throne, I'll retreat. Be certain we'll meet again! Brighton escapes with the leaf. Aaaand nobody cares. Rifis and his army escape. (End Chapter 4x) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) You just made Manster Prison... enjoyable I didn't think that was possible xD. I love all the goofiness, your writing is superb Sorry I didn't see the response thread >.< how do I delete this post? Edited July 19, 2012 by Jedisupersonic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) Chapter 5 Who's That Pokemon? It's... Miranda! "Miranda Miranda!" Random unidentified castle. Rape rape rape, sex sex sex. Leidrick, your raping has gone on long enough. B-Bishop Berdo! When did you arrive? For starters, call me Veld. Berdo makes me sound like a transvestite Mario enemy. Secondly, I'm a very busy man. Manster today, Miletos tomorrow, Rivough the day after. So you can be sure I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a very good reason. I'm getting a promotion? No, Leidrick. No promotion. It's time to rein you in a bit. What? The Lopt Sect granted you control of Manster for your loyalty and diligence. Since then, however, we've observed a change in your demeanor. Actually, it was a very rapid change. Beginning with your first decree after taking power. "All wenches shall submit themselves to the raping pleasure of Lord Leidrick"? Yes, that one. I find your raping to be in very poor taste. Not to mention it distracts you while Prince Leaf runs ripshod over your soldiers. Thus, I've decided you are hereby prohibited from all rape. What? Infeasible! But what will become of my harem? They must be set free. N-never! I'll fight you! Cute, but you'll have to do better than that. I choose you, Mareeta! Reeta, ree! used LUNA. It's not very effective... used CONFUSE RAY. is confused! Gaah—Mareeta, return! Go, Evayle! Bri, Briggid! used ICE BEAM. was frozen solid! H-how?! I suggest you surrender, Leidrick. I have max EVs, Modest Nature, and Boltbeam. Meanwhile you're sending NUs into an Uber fight. No—I have no choice but to admit defeat. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) Wise decision. Now I've got tea with Lord Blume in an hour. I mustn't tarry any longer. Remember: No more rape, or I'll revoke all I've given you. Veld exits. No more rape? How will I survive? Iceman, attend me. Sir, my name is Bandol. Weissmann was killed in Fiana. I'm not in the mood, Iceman. I need to do some soul searching. You won't end up like Lobos, will you? Who can say? I must evaluate my life in face of these turbulent times. You're in charge of the castle while I'm away. And what of your... women. You heard Bishop Veld. Our polygamous one-sided forbidden love must come to an end. See that they find proper homes, with loving onii-chans who pet them every day. Um. Yes, sir. Leidrick exits. I hope you're all housebroken. (I'm not so sure about the old sword lady.) Meanwhile, Rifis and friends emerge from the jail to find themselves... in the castle. Manster needs new architects. Where the hell is this? Are we almost out? We're in some sort of castle. With an arena? There's an exit on the other side. I'm sick and tired of these escape objectives. Where's the seize maps? I wanna seize the throne. What kind of wimpy prince is always escaping from everything? You, milord. Okay, I've disposed of most of them. This is the only one left. Somebody help! Prince Leaf, it's a damsel in distress! Common fantasy cliché dictates a rousing battle to ensure her safety. Finally, something for me to seize. Even if it's just tits. What? How'd you get here? We walked. Through the front door. Damn. Well, you'll just have to fight your way through the arena! Random overpowered arena fighters spawn. How the fuck are we supposed to fight these guys? I can think of but one way, milord. Go on, tell me. 'Tis a heinous pathway, fraught with peril and despair. I don't care. Once you open this fell grimoire and thumb its wicked pages, there is no return. Anything that'll make my job easier. Very well. I propose... RNG abuse. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) Ye gods. U-unspeakable! Le gasp! Psh, is that it? You had me expecting something truly awful. Like turtling. Two hours of RNG manipulation later. I leveled movement twice! I have as much Bld as Marty! I hit something with the Hammer! You defeated all the arena combatants? Impossible... And you're next, pathetic recolor boss. Rifis attacks. Critical hit x2. Cheaters. Weissmann dies. Is that everything? No, there's still half the map to cross. Well, nothing a little more RNG abuse can't handle. Stupid Machua, there's no downside to this at all. Greetings, mortals. Who— I am Anna, Goddess of RNG. Thou hast sore offended me. Bug off, bitch. Like I'm scared of some little redhead. Desireth thou to gaze upon mine true face? Do your worst. As thou will. HERE IS MY TRUE FACE Dear god. Prince Leaf, our data's getting corrupted. My Hero Sword turned into a fish! My class is Civilian! Omigod omigod halp Oh god my hair REPENT Never! REPENT Never! REPENT Okay you win, anything but Amelia! I repent everything. I'll never RNG abuse ever again! APOLOGY ACCEPTED (Continued) Edited April 30, 2016 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) Now I hope we've learned our lesson. Yes... I'm sorry... Then ta-ta for now~ I'll be back if I ever see you abuse the RNG again! Anna vanishes accompanied by the hymns of angels. Omigod omigod halp I dun wanna be Rhydon Lara. Calm down. Everything's back to normal. Omigod omigod Karin, the sedatives. On it. While they do that, we need a plan to finish the battle. I suggest we— Prince Leaf! The hell are you? Silly Leaf, it's me, Nanna! Your girlfriend, remember? (Ka-ching.) Oh yeah of course I remember. I just didn't recognize you for a minute because of all the... Beauty. In your face. So uh, what are you doing in this creepy castle, surrounded by enemies. Leidrick kidnapped me and some other women and forced us to play heinous sex games. With Pokeballs. And other things I dare not mention. Don't worry babe. I'll make sure this vile Leidrick sees justice. By the way, where are these other women you mentioned? (Because I'm seeing serious orgy potential right now.) I'm not sure. Some pink lizard thing showed up and started shooting eggs out its mouth. He (she?) made Mareeta go berserk and froze Evayle solid. It was truly quite distressing. I can imagine. Milord, we shouldn't linger. Who knows when Manster will send reinforcements. I don't see a time limit anywhere. Yes, but— Therefore we can spend as long as we want with zero repercussions whatsoever. Fifty turns later. As I said, nothing. Okay, you've proven your point. (I wonder if there's a Goddess of Turtling...) Sir, your strategy of luring each enemy one by one has been a rousing success. Now can we please end the battle, we're bored out of our minds. Dalshin even fell asleep. Zzz... He's clearly fake-snoring. Dammit Dalshin you could've been more convincing than that. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) I guess I should have closed my eyes. But for some reason I find myself incapable? I can't even blink. My eyes have been watering for as long as I can remember. ... DAMN YOU EYES! Milord, please. Fine, fine, we can end the battle— What's that. What? That, there. Oh come on milord, it's miles away. It'll take another ten turns to get someone down there. Not to mention who puts a chest outside the castle? There's clearly nothing good if it's in such an unguarded— Too late, go Karin. Why me? Don't you have a Pegasus or something? Yeah, but it's flying around somewhere. There's no way it'd find me the second I— Karin steps outside. Oh hey it's my Pegasus. Now how to whittle away the time meanwhile? We could enact a famous Shakespeare play! I'll be Lear, Lara is Cordelia, Fergus can be Oswald... Dalshin will be Regan. Now there's a true social conservative! I'd be honored to play the Great Negotiator. My eyes are teary just remembering his greatness... And also because I can't blink. Milord, an enemy spawned. Deal with it. But milord, this enemy... ... Oh shit run Rifis and his army escape. Except... Finally I got to this chest. Let's see what's inside. A magic ring. Wonderful. STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM What the hell? PAY THE COURT A FINE OR SERVE YOUR SENTENCE YOUR STOLEN GOODS ARE NOW FORFEIT They escaped without me, didn't they. I'm not even surprised. (End Chapter 5) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJWalker Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) This is some amazing stuff. This needs more views. Edited September 10, 2013 by Ranger Jack Walker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) Chapter 6 Outside Manster Castle. Ha, that was a close one. You see that guy's stats? He could've eaten us for breakfast. What happened to Karin? Whoops, guess we forgot about her. Oh well, casualties are inevitable in war, et cetera. In any case, we should focus on fleeing Manster. No shit Sherlock. Nah I'd rather hang around some more. Real keen place, what with the child hunts. And that Lord Leidrick is a class act. No he's not, he's a big meanie and— Sarcasm, my dear. I'll organize the soldiers to carve a path to the exit. However, I'm sorry to inform you... It's another escape objective. What the fuck is this? Escape: The Game? See how many enemies you can not fight! Meanwhile. Life is meaningless... All I can do is stand atop this balcony and watch the battle while I brood. And also annoy Prince Leaf with my leadership stars. Ha! Look there, did you see? He just missed an enemy. That was because of my influence. Of course, sir. Who the hell are you? Just some priest. I can heal our allies— How did you get on my balcony? Uh... Oh, nevermind. You can be my brooding partner. Are you troubled, child? I can offer you confession. It's been a long time since my last confession, father. I don't know where to begin. Just begin at the beginning. When I was eight, I raped for the first time... (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) Back to the fight. Damn these enemies! Why do our attacks keep missing? It must be Leidrick on the balcony. His presence swells his soldiers with morale. Yeah that Leidrick, he's my hero! Glory to Lord Leidrick, Goddess of Dawn! Wrong game. Lord Leidrick has the healing touch of Sacrifice. He wins every battle with no casualties at all. As long as the Goddess of Dawn watches over us, we cannot be defeated! Gender confusion much? Which rule is that again? 34, right? Nah that's the one where there's porn of everything. Then which one is the gender-bending one? Uh... fifty-something? This will not do. Machua, find a computer and research this critically important topic for me. I must have answers. I must know truth. Milord, I will do as you command... without hesitation... But where am I to find a computer? If I knew do you think I'd be dicking around out here? Do you want me to give your Super Special English Major position to Dalshin? I was an English Major in college too, you know. That was where I found my love for The Merry Wives of Windsor. And Ayn Rand. ...I'll find your computer, milord. Machua exits. Well milord, that's one problem under lock and key, but what about the enemies? If only we had some totally overpowered unit on our side. Someone with a horrifyingly broken weapon. Like me? Huh what? Who are you again? I'm Asvel, your childhood friend! Oh right how could I forget. Your personality is so memorable. Maybe you'll remember this! Asvel casts Grafcalibur on the nearest soldier. The soldier explodes. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) Jesus Fucking Christ. As in, his middle name is Fucking. Did I really just see that. Yes. Do it again. No problemo. Grafcalibur again. Another soldier erupts into a burst of green light, screaming in agony as his entire body is obliterated from the inside out. What the fuck were you doing the last two battles? Waiting for you to remember my name, that's what. You can be certain I'll remember it from now on, Assbell. Asvel. That's what I said. Anyway, it looks like we found our "Get Out of Manster Free" card. Asvel, to the front lines! Um... are you sure? You mean you give me that little fireworks display but now you're too scared to follow up? Typical, Asvel, simply typical. Ever since we were babies you always found ways to cheat me. I never—! Guess I need to find a new Best Friend Forever. Like, uh... Oh me me me I wanna be your best friend please please please Then when I'm on the phone and my mom asks who I'm talking to I can be all like "IDK, my BFF Leaf?" Omigod totes adorbs~ Yeah. Lara. I could replace you with Lara, Asvel. And I wouldn't even feel a thing. *Sob* Okay Prince Leaf... I'll tank all the enemies... Asvel bravely stands before the enemy squadron. Look, a squishy shota mage. Men, CHARGE! The enemies charge. Asvel dodges everything and counters for MASSIVE damage. My army—You killed them all! But how could we fail under the Goddess of Dawn's protection? Maybe because your Goddess left his balcony? What! In a nearby tavern. Are you sure this is a standard part of confession? Of course! Wine is symbolic for the blood of Christ or some shit. Now continue while I drink until I forget everything you tell me. On my sixteenth birthday, I celebrated my hundredth rape... Since it was a special occasion, I didn't even use any condoms. And that's why Kempf exists. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) Back to the fight. Never fear. If our Goddess leaves us, then I will take the reins. And who, pray tell, are you? I am Truman! ...Truman. Truman! Like the president? No, like the general of Manster! That general being me, of course. Asvel, wipe this scrub, please. I will, milord, but Grafcalibur only has so many uses... Oh, I understand. It's no problem, don't worry about it, Asvel. Now excuse me while I go picnic with my BFF Lara. Omigod omigod omigod Okay okay you win. Asvel Grafcalibur-rapes Truman. Much better. (Although I was looking forward to that picnic with Lara...) So uh, what's left to do on this map? Nothing really. Just a couple low-level soldiers guarding the exit. Even Dalshin can beat them. Huh. That was easy. There are a few villages you may wanna bestow with your princely presence. And exact tribute from. Sounds like the right princely thing to do. Prince Leaf visits a house. All right, everyone, this is a stickup. I'm Leaf of Lenster. Give me what I want or it's onto the chopping block. Ello, guv'na. Me name's Hicks 'n I'm moity gratitudinal for yer savin' me mite Maphy. What kind of accent is that supposed to be? An agglomeration of every hick accent ever? At least you live up to your name. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) Oi, guv'ner! Anyway, tribute. Well me n' me missus be gabbin' a lil chitchat o'er by the hearthside, mistuh— Prince. Mistuh Prince. In any cockadoodie case, we be decidin' that mayhaps I'd join yer team, yuh? Well— Moity thankful, guv'ner! I ain't gunna be lettin' you down, no sirree! We'll see about that. Any success, milord? Another peon to swell the ranks. Give him something to do. It warn't just yesterdee I be dreamin' o' da day when I be a-fightin' the good fight! What. Go... do something. Somewhere else. Aye, cap'n! Now for the rest of these houses. I already visited them, milord. The villagers babbled something about saving their children. We raked in some swag loot. Take a look. Rapier, Knight's Crest, Elite Book— Hey what the fuck is this. Holy Water? Someone gave us Holy Water? Who is the backwards inbred butt-mongrel that dared deliver us this piece of shit? Um, that house, right there. Prince Leaf barges into the house. This is the best you could do? Holy Water?! Milord, we're poor folk, 'tis all we have... I will not suffer this indignation! Fergus, my pimp glove. Here, milord. Prepare to be lashed for thine insolence! Prince Leaf prepares his pimp hand. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) No, Leafie! Huh what? Whozat? Don't strike her, please! Woman, I do what I want— Nanna gently caresses Prince Leaf's cheek. But milord, think about how awful I'll feel if you hurt this poor woman. Why... Why would I care... Because, milord... Nanna whispers into Prince Leaf's ear. Because when I'm upset I find myself utterly incapable of performing in bed. If you catch my drift. Ah—I—uh— Well, woman! My name's— Irrelevant. Through the glorious generosity I feel within my heart, I deign to forgive you. The sin of "Not giving me a good enough tribute" hath been cleansed from your soul. Shower me with praises at your discretion. Oh, milord! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! I know I'm pretty wonderful. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Keep 'em coming. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Okay you can stop now. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Okay. ...Thank you. We're leaving now. Prince Leaf and friends leave. So, Nanna... Oh, I know. You did wonderfully, milord. Your reward will come tonight. Nanna winks and exits. (Hot damn.) Milord, now that she knows she can manipulate you like this, she'll do it again. I certainly hope so. But milord— Come on, you saw that. She's too goody-goody to do anything serious. It'll be "Save the orphans" or some shit every time. Picking flowers, skipping across creeks. Wiping some poor puppy's ass. And in return I get ferocious carnal pleasure. I win. Everyone else loses. Omigod omigod I found the exit! You mean right there, where the giant blinking red arrows are? Yeah omigod how did you know? Call it a hunch. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) Shall we escape, milord? Everyone's accounted for except Machua. What? Where'd she go? Remember? You sent her on a errand or something. I have returned. I had to travel over mountains and oceans, but I finally found the computer. It then took decades of exhaustive research, but I have the answer to your question. Go on, spill it. The answer is... 63. 63. Yes. I... forgot the question, being so preoccupied with the answer. But I assume you know what to do with it. Fergus, does the number 63 mean anything to you? The age of my grandmother when she passed away? Assface, do you know what 63 means? Seven times nine. Also, milord, it's Asvel... Does anyone know why I wanted to know 63? It's a prime number? It'n be a ginny ole number, big n' hearty jist like meself? The number of kisses I'll give you tonight? Omigod skank back off he's mine No, no, no, no! None of these are helpful. How could I have forgotten what the question was? I remember it being critically important... I must have truth! If I may interject. Who are you? My name is August. I'm a Bishop of Bragi. I'm traveling in search of someone very dear to my heart. In any case, I couldn't help but overhear... Did one of your subordinates call you Prince Leaf, perchance? And if they did? Who are you, the fuzz? There, uh, wouldn't happen to be a warrant for this Prince Leaf's arrest would there? I assure you I'm nothing more than a simple bishop. Well I'm not sure I buy that so— Prince Leaf I got it 63 is nine squared! Aha, so you are Prince Leaf. Dalshin, you are never getting a promotion ever. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) Well, "Prince Leaf," let me suggest you send your soldiers ahead so we can have a private talk. Uh no chance creepy old guy. August whispers in Prince Leaf's ear. As you wish, Prince Rifis. Where did you hear that name! A little bird told me. Now send your soldiers along so we can have a discussion. Fine. General Fergus, sound the retreat. Tactical retreat! Everyone escapes except August and Prince Leaf. So what's your gambit? Blackmail? Torture? No, no, milord! I merely seek to give you my humble aid. Help restore you to the throne. In exchange for some unimportant post. You know, nothing too fancy. Prime Minister ought to suffice. How about Excellent Vizier of Turtledom? Or Great Grape Appreciator? Because, uh, Prime Minister sounds a little... Important. I know. It's meiosis. Deliberate understatement for rhetorical effect. Lrn2English brah. Okay, so lemme get this straight. In return for your help and also to keep you from spilling the beans about me... You want me to make you the Prime Minister of Lenster? Precisely. Let me consult my advisors. (Okay Rifis, what do we think of this guy?) (Looks suspect. Mama said never trust a bald guy.) (But those robes! Clearly a man of character. He even used advanced rhetorical devices.) Okay, you're hired. Most excellent! Now shall we regroup with the rest of your soldiers? Sure. But one last thing. Does the number 63 mean anything to you? Well, it's 69 minus 6, so... It's the number for autofellatio? (Truly an educated man.) Prince Leaf and August escape. (End Chapter 6) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 13, 2013 Author Share Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) Chapter 7 Hello and welcome to Jeopardy. I'm your host, August Trebek. You know the rules: We give you the answers and you come up with the questions. It's the final round! Prince Leaf only needs to get this right to win the grand prize. As we revealed before the commercial break, the topic for the final round is: Quizzical Quantities! Are you ready, Prince Leaf? I was born ready. Here's the answer: 63. Jeopardy theme plays. Nooooooooooooo! In Prince Leaf's tent. No! No, no, no! Baby, what is it? Are you okay? It—it was a dream. A horrible nightmare... Ah, poor baby. Mother Nanna will make it all better~ Mm, yes... Enter Fergus. Milord, we're under attack! The fuck Fergus, can't you see I'm about to get it on? But milord, Leidrick snapped out of his depression and sent soldiers after us. There's a castle ahead—we gotta get there before it's too late. A seize objective, finally! No, milord. It's another escape objective. We're just escaping into a castle. Life is cruel. The soldiers are assembled. We await your command. This castle sounds suspicious. Maybe Leidrick just painted a giant red arrow on the ground, pointing to Manster dungeon. What if all this time we've been falling for his grand scheme? I mean, who else is dropping these red arrows everywhere? Is this hell, Fergus? An endless Manster loop? Sartre said hell is other people. I say hell is Manster. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 13, 2013 Author Share Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) Profound, milord. I'm confuzzled. Don't worry, dear, we're talking philosophy. It's a guy thing. That's why it's called PHILosophy. Named after the great Dr. Phil, who was a man. Indeed. Let's bow our heads in memory of his magnificence... That's a bit too far. We're under attack, remember. Ahem. Of course. Enter Machua. Milord, Eisenhower's men are storming our figurative beaches. Machua, I already know all of that. Except the part about Eisenhower. Is that really the enemy commander? Yes, milord. Wow. First Truman, now Eisenhower. I'm sensing a pattern. Next will be General Kennedy. His weakpoint is being shot in the head. Milord, it would be best if we focused on strategy. I'll call the new tactician you hired, and we can convert this into a strategy tent. Uh excuse me this is our lovemaking tent— Enter August. I heard hints of sex with underaged girls and came as quickly as I could. (Continued) Edited June 17, 2019 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 13, 2013 Author Share Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) Oh. My. God. This is so indecent. I'm not even dressed from the waist down. Good thing it's impossible to tell because we're all floating heads. A good thing? Say, I hope I'm not the only one feeling an orgy right now. Hmm, Orgy... I'm seeing some potential, yeah. August, I like you already. Not fond of the girl-to-guy ratio though. Fergus, you're out. Lara, you're in. Enter Lara. Omigod omigod am I a general now? Because I got serious tactical advice ready and waiting! For starters, we should all wear pink uniforms. It would be soooo adorable~ And also super functional camouflage when we go to Forever 21! Excellent advice! I see you're already wearing a pink uniform. Quite adorable, I add. But I believe, for a better demonstration, it would be fitting if you took the uniform off. So we can compare the camouflage properties with and without it. Okay! I'll start with the top~ Lara, keep your shirt on. Aww butbutbut I dunno, maybe we shouldn't question August's advice. He's a master tactician, after all. There are six people in this tent and one of them has not showered. In at least a week. Milord, this is fun and all, but we're fighting a battle outside. Asvel, Dalshin, and Hicks are barely staving off the assault. Enter Dalshin. OH GOD I'M ON FIRE (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted September 13, 2013 Author Share Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) Oh god he's on fire IT BURNS SOMEONE PUT IT OUT Quick eat this Vulnerary! Nom nom nom. Phew, all better. That was a close one. Say, what's going on in here? Better question, what's going on out there. It better be damn important if you're interrupting a private meeting. Private? Most of our army is here. Okay here's the story. So we're fighting the soldiers, right? It's pretty easy, I mean I'm a totally awesome fighter so— So you're sitting back while Asvel and Hicks do all the work. It isn't fair, Hicks joined with a Halberd and they're all cavalry—Ahem. As I was saying, things were going fine, but then the Meteor Bishop spawned. Needless to say, I soon caught fire. Thus I ran in here. You're on fire, and your bright idea is to run into a tent. Dear lord. Someone is touching me and I don't even know who, it's so crowded. Whoever you are, that is a very inappropriate place to touch. Maybe we should leave the tent. It doesn't even make sense why you were in a tent, considering it's daytime and we're on the run. Hey it's not all fun and games. I had a nightmare, August was in it. I can imagine how this nightmare went. Gross, not like that. There was Jeopardy and— Enter Hicks. Mistuh Kurtz Prince, now I's a not usual inclined to-wards buttin' in on yo biz-ness, but... I do right say we gots ourselves a pickle, guv'ner. Come on in, eventually the tent will just fall apart around us. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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