Thracia UV

[General Banzai]

Well since you did went an' invite me an' all...

See well I did n' joined this here army with me most priceless possession.

A Halberd me ole pater gaved me on me fifth birthday.

Now I be fightin' with all me might, and in the mayhem...

Well, me Halberd right did go n' break right there afore me eyes!

English, please.

Now if it mighty please Your Guv'nership, I'd be mighty obliged if you'd, uh...

Bestow upon me pore self the blessin' of a new weapon.

I should've known. Another urchin looking for handouts.

Miguv'ner, I can't not right do fight w'out one!

You what? Just get out before we all suffocate.

Enter Asvel.

Milord! I—

Whoever was touching me is now touching me a lot more.

And even more inappropriately.

Seriously Assface, You come in here now? I thought we were childhood friends.

Friends don't walk in on friends when they're having an orgy.

I guess you're not a real friend.

*Sniff* Sorry...

I just wanted to tell you I killed all the enemies... I'll go kill myself now...

If it would get you out of this tent, please do.

Well, Prince Leaf, it looks like we won. Excellent leadership!

I am pretty great, aren't I?

(Continued)

Edited April 30, 2016 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Meanwhile.

 

Okay motherfuckers it's been a long time but Finn's back and he's raring to—

Where'd all my soldiers go.

They got captured.

Fuck, you mean I won't get them back until Chapter 21x?

Not that kind of captured. Story captured. You'll get them after this battle.

So until then you're saying I have to fight this horde of bandits by myself.

As if you can't handle a couple of weak brigand enemies.

Look at your stats. Look at your sixty-use brave weapon.

But the weapon triangle—Axes are good against lances!

+/-5 hit.

But if that's too much for you, I guess you can go home and abandon Prince Leaf to die.

Man, being a hero is hard work. August made it seem like you just have sex a lot.

Say, what are you doing anyway, Saphy?

You only fought with us for like one battle. What do you care about Leaf?

Oh, I'm simply helping out of the goodness of my heart.

I certainly don't have any old scores to settle.

Nice to know there are still pure-hearted people in the world.

...

Oh look, the Jew.

I've seen that guy before. Wasn't he part of the Rifis Gang? Or Lifis or whatever.

Wait. If he was part of the Rifis Gang, that means he's a douchebag.

But if he was part of the Lifis Gang, then I guess he's on our side?

Since Lifis is on our side I think? Hell I don't know.

Finn, he's a Jew. He'll join any gang as long as there's coin in it.

Hey! I—Er—

Okay, so the whole "join any gang as long as there's coin in it" is kinda true.

But it has nothing to do with me being Jewish. I'm a sellsword, not a shylock.

Okay, Christkiller.

So uh, you gonna join me or not?

I notice you use swords, which means you have WTA against all these axe enemies.

Yeah that +5 hit's gonna change everything.

Why would I join you anyway, just to get harangued by an anti-Semitic?

I'll pay 5,000 gold.

...

Deal.

Wait, really?

I told you he was a Jew.

I'm a sellsword!

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Elsewhere.

 

Okay, Eisenhower's dead, all's left to do is seize the castle.

Escape into the castle, you mean.

No, I mean seize it.

But milord, the objective—

Screw the objective! As prince of Ancestor—

Lenster.

As prince of Lenster—

Actually, there's been an update. It's called Leonster now.

FINE. As prince of Whogivesashitster, I hereby declare war on that castle!

This is now a seize objective.

You sure this is a good idea, milord? We've trudged through like ten battles, everyone's exhausted.

Pah, how tough can taking one castle be?

It's not even defended by a generic boss named after some historic figure.

 

Hannibal emerges from the castle.

 

I am Hannibal, boss of Castle Meeds.

Well, I guess the karmic forces of fate win.

Sorry boys, war's called off. We won't be conquering anything after all.

Don't worry Leafiepoo, you can conquer my body in bed tonight~

Yowza.

Hey, wait a sec, hold up.

Finn?!

Er, I mean, who are you and why do you accost my princely presence?

What are you talking about, Lifis? How'd you escape Manster? What happened to Prince Leaf?

I am Prince Leaf, you uncultured swine.

Y-you are?

My apologies, milord. I must have gotten confused somehow.

Finn. Come on Finn, don't be this dumb.

That's not Prince Leaf.

Prince Leaf is a leaf, remember.

Shit, that's right! Lifis, what are you trying to pull?

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

I'm not pulling anything. I'm Prince Leaf of Somewherester.

My burgeoning army can attest to that, right?

Yup! Prince Leaf right here.

Real, one-hundred-percent bona fide Prince Leaf!

Nanna, Asvel, how are you buying this sham? You guys have known the real Leaf for years.

Well I mean it's been awhile... I assume he went through puberty?

I have no idea what you're talking about, strange knight I have never met.

Okay, something's amiss. Lifis, you've brainwashed them!

Could it be—gasp—you were Rifis the whole time?

Leading us to believe you were Lifis simply to infiltrate my ranks and steal my women?

That's pretty much what he did.

(Oh shit it's Saphy. Time to skedaddle.)

You must be touched in the head, good sir. Now, my army, let's ride.

Not so fast! I won't let you steal my dukedom with half-rate fibs.

Shiva, attack.

Shiva, don't attack.

Why not?

I'll pay you 10,000 gold.

Deal.

Shiva, I'll pay you 15,000 gold!

Deal.

Well I'll pay you 20,000 gold!

Deal.

 

Much later.

 

1,567,980 gold.

Deal.

1,567,981 gold.

Deal.

Okay, that's quite enough. It's obvious neither of you have anywhere near that amount of gold.

In fact I'd be surprised if both of you combined had the original offer of 5,000.

August? You were here the whole time?

Indeed. Now, I had been watching the argument with great interest...

(And predicting who would win so I could join the right side.)

But now it's clear both parties will profit from a mutual correspondence.

Meaning truce time, kiddies. If the lesser soldiers would leave, I'd like a word with Finn and Leaf.

You heard him troops, go seize escape into the castle.

Hopefully Hannibal won't eat your livers with a side of fava beans.

Saphy, get in there too. Try and find my other, less shitty soldiers.

 

All escape except Prince Leaf, Finn, and August.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Cut to the chase. What's this truce you're talking about?

First things first. Obviously Rifis is posing as Lifis, who is posing as Prince Leaf.

Way to blow my cover.

I knew it! So what have you done to the real Prince Leaf?

Dunno. Some guy in a yellow cape stole him.

What happened to that generic leaf is of little consequence. Now, I propose—

Of little consequence?

Prince Leaf is my ward. I swore I would protect him! My honor as a knight of Lenster—

Leonster.

My honor as a knight of Leonster depends on Prince Leaf's safety!

But Finn, that leaf wasn't the real Prince Leaf anyway.

Look. Everyone already believes Rifis is Prince Leaf. Why not play along?

With Finn's testimony, Rifis receives the credibility he needs.

While Finn doesn't have to worry about anyone wondering why Prince Leaf is green.

We three divide the spoils of Leonster for much mutual benefit. It's a win-win.

FUCK NO!

But—

I refuse to divvy out even an inch of my kingdom to this fraud of a knight.

I refuse to let this scumbag gangster parade around as the prince of my country.

Now, let's be civil—

Soldiers, to me!

Shiva, I got a shiny gold piece with your name on it.

 

The soldiers pile out of the castle.

 

Yes, milord?

This knight, Finn, is a confederate of Manster. Slaughter him!

Shiva, rig a critical on that smug fucker's face!

 

Finn flicks Shiva a gold coin.

 

Okay, that's one coin. Where's the other 1,567,981?

Um.

Rifis offered me 1,567,981 gold. You need to top that.

Consider that coin a, uh, down payment.

Wait a sec. Lemme check freecreditreport.com to make sure you're legit.

 

Shiva browses the web.

 

Hm. "Finn, Knight of Leonster. Credit Score: 750."

Okay, you pass.

(I knew that Chase card was a good idea!)

Prepare to die, Rifis.

Like I care about one overpriced skinflint Jew. I have a whole army on my side!

Pst... Fergus. Make sure Dalshin takes all the criticals.

Not so fast!

 

Othin and Halvan emerge from the castle.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Oh hell yes the Othinmeister is back in business.

Halvan's here too!

I have an army too, Rifis. Surrender and I promise to be merciful, for the most part.

I still outnumber you, so—

Wait does that Othin guy have Wrath.

I also have this axe with like NINE MILLION crit.

Also 1-2 range, so stop eyeing me like you got a chance shota magekid.

*Sob*

Guys, wait. I have a cool axe too.

Actually I don't. I just have an iron axe.

But I used to have this cool Brave Axe until my sister pawned it.

As if I wouldn't have slapped that baby on Dagda anyway.

Don't worry, I also have this cool skill—

Nevermind, I don't have anything. Why am I even here.

Don't worry Halvan, I'm boss enough for the both of us.

Now who wants the first shot at me? I'll even let you strike first.

Please, everyone. Would you all calm down? There's no reason to come to blows over this.

If we just talk about this reasonably—

Daddy that's the bad man who made me do the bad things

KILL THEM ALL

OH FUCK EVERYONE RUN

 

(End Chapter 7)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Chapter 8

 

The foothills of Mount Violdrake.

 

Huff, huff... That was a close one!

What are you talking about? That Hannibal guy had like two movement.

Most of us outran him at the pace of a leisurely stroll.

Why are you out of breath anyway, you're on a horse.

Oh yeah I forgot. Anyway, what happened to that dastard, Rifis?

He and his soldiers ran in the other direction! Shame too, I was gonna give them the ol' what-for.

August is gone too. I guess we're on our own.

Damn! We can't let Rifis get away with masquerading as Prince Leaf.

And also having sex with my daughter, that's pretty bad too.

But he had three whole soldiers more than us. We'll need to even the odds to even stand a chance.

Or we can not do that since I'm worth more than twice his team combined?

Hell to be fair we oughtta handicap ourselves.

Come here Halvan, lemme hack off your limbs so it'll be a fair fight.

This is no joking matter. I won't allow Leonster to fall into Rifis's mangy paws!

Look, this is Mount Violdrake right? Or, more colloquially, "Purple Dragon Mountain."

Dagda's from around here. We can petition his aid to squash Rifis.

Fuck Dagda. What can he do that I can't?

Take like five thousand hits before dying.

Capture pretty much anything.

Shit on people with Duel.

Use bows.

Now that's just grasping. "Use bows"? Really?

Bows have an effective bonus against flying units.

Pfft.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Finn. Payment's due.

Payment?

You still owe me 1,567,981 gold.

Um. Yeah. Say, Halvan, isn't there a massive stash of gold in Dagda's mansion?

No way, Dagda is poor as dirt—

You're right, Halvan! There is a massive stash of gold in Dagda's mansion.

So Shiva, how about this. You help us get to Dagda's mansion, then you get all the gold you want.

...

Fine. I'll grant an extension.

But your credit score is taking a nosedive.

Geez, you really are a Jew.

An accurate tautology.

Okay guys, we'll plan Leonster's Kristallnacht another time.

First we should worry about making sure we get Leonster back in the first place.

And if recruiting this Dagda guy will help us achieve that end, I'm all for it.

Great, at least someone's on board. Let's go!

Oops, generic bandits are attacking. I guess some random obstacle had to screw us over.

At least now Shiva can earn his keep. Fighting positions, everyone!

Finally! Pugi's been literally demanding fresh bloodshed.

I think you used "literally" wrong.

No I didn't.

Quit with the chitchat, cut to the cutcut.

Yessir!

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Finn's soldiers smack the generic bandits.

 

Yawn. I'm not even breaking a sweat.

Uh, Othin. Can I talk to you for a bit?

Yeah sure, what's up?

Who's the new guy in the group?

What new guy? You mean Shiva?

Shiva's the Jew. How could you forget, Saphy reminds us every fucking second.

She also tells us to throw stones at him.

No not Shiva, the other new guy.

There is no other new guy.

He's like this generic knight-looking kid? He said "yessir" when Finn told us to fight.

No idea what you're talking about—IS THAT MARTY?

Eep.

Marty the fuck you doing fighting with these generic bandits?

I mean, besides the fact that you are also a generic bandit.

Do you really need another reason?

Don't test my patience, Pugi desires five more sacrifices to sate its bloodlust.

Okay fine, I'm not really with the bandits at all, I'm just running away from Dagda.

Somebody kidnapped Tania, it gave me the distraction I needed to escape.

You mean Antonio?

Yeah same difference.

Uh, not at all. Tania is my girlfriend. Antonio is some weird dude.

They're the same person though.

How can they be the same person, when one's a chick and one's a dude?

That makes no sense.

Since when is Tania your girlfriend anyway?

Since like, forever. Of course I haven't seen her around lately...

That's because she changed her name to Antonio. She's getting married to Bambi.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

No no, you're all confused.

Look. Point is, Marty should join our team!

Ha ha, fuck no.

Aw why not? Remember the good times we had as kids?

Like that time when we first met, remember when we first met Marty?

Yeah. Dagda had locked me in the basement.

I dug my way through the floorboards and made a small tunnel to the surface.

With my fingers raw to the bone I poked my hand through the tiny crevice.

I whispered, "Help me."

And then I thought your hand was a bug and stomped it with my feet!

Oh man, the laughs we had.

I wasn't laughing.

Well, I had enough laughs for us both. So altogether it was a fun time, right?

Now let's quit the nostalgia binge and get fighting!

I'm not joining you, I told you already.

Then I'll have to kill you.

Oh come on don't be like that—

You're a red unit, Marty. I'm a blue unit. There's only one way this can end.

Augh, fine. FINE. I'll join your shitty team.

I finally get a tiny chance at escape and you slam your foot on my fingers.

Typical.

Since Marty's on our side now, let's use his 20 Bld to capture some enemies.

I could use some new equipment—

Too late, all dead.

 

Enter Finn.

 

Excellent work as always, Othin. To Dagda's mansion!

Finn, I don't think Dagda actually has a mansion.

He's a bandit on a backwater mountain in the middle of nowhere. Why would he have a—

 

 

Welp.

How the hell did he afford that?

He's a bandit. He stole it.

Why do you think this place is so backwater and impoverished to begin with?

Every cent of Mount Violdrake's wealth went into that mansion.

 

(Continued)

Edited June 17, 2019 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Wow, Dagda knows more about resource concentration than I thought.

He'll be an excellent advisor once I—er—Prince Leaf retakes Leonster.

Just what we need, more advisors. Aren't I a good enough advisor, Finn?

Uh.

Have you even been advising me at all?

Yes, in your sleep.

I sneak into your tent and whisper "Initiate Holocaust" in your ear.

That must be why I ordered those shower nozzles on Amazon this morning.

Man who gives a shit about any of this?

There's a red dude standing on the gate to Dagda's mansion. He's gotta die.

Hey, can that thing you said not happen? You know, about me dying and all.

It sounds unpleasant.

Lemme break things down for you, guy.

My name's Rumay.

You are a red guy. I am a blue guy. There are only two ways this can go.

1. You pull a Marty McFly and join us.

2. You die.

No middle ground. Pugi hungers.

Actually, there is a middle ground, because we can capture him.

And steal his weapons before releasing him, which we should do anyway because he has a Knight Crest.

Yeah, look at my sweet gear! All yours if you don't kill me.

So you're surrendering?

Uh well no.

I want you to beat me in a fight, but not so bad that I die.

I'd look like a wimp if I just surrendered.

Fuck that. Let's kill him and steal the weapons off his corpse.

But Othin, grave-robbing is wrong.

So it's okay to steal from him if he's alive, but not if he's dead? That's bullshit.

Oh hey I forgot I'm actually a competent combat unit.

 

Finn impales Rumay to capture him.

 

Thank you sir!

Nice, now look at all these cool weapons we have.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

I'll be confiscating those as part of your promised payment.

Knight Killer: 3,000 gold. Steel Lance: 3,200 gold. Iron Sword: 2,200 gold.

Vulnerary: 600 gold. Knight Crest: 8,000 gold.

Total: 15,000 gold.

Knocking your debt to 1,552,981 gold.

That'll do for a primary payment. I expect a larger one next battle.

"Initiate Holocaust" is starting to sound like not such a bad idea.

Anyway, since I'm not dead, here's a helpful tidbit: You'll find Dagda inside the mansion.

Whoa really? Halt the presses!

Dagda's current whereabouts are in a place called "Dagda's mansion"?

No way!

I dunno, Othin. If he hadn't said so, I might not have known to check inside the mansion.

Without Rumay's aid, I probably would have just left.

I get the feeling we would have missed out on a crucial sidequest. Thanks, Rumay!

The thanks is mine. You didn't kill me, after all. Here's another wisdom nugget:

The mansion's currently been taken over by the villagers. They were shouting, "Vive la revolution!"

"Down with the bourgeoisie."

Gasp—Communists! It's worse than I thought.

Saddle up, men. We ride to Dagda's aid posthaste!

You mean, "Dismount, men. We walk into the mansion!"

For the glory of Leonster!

Who the fuck are you?

 

(End of Chapter 8)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Chapter 8x

 

Inside Dagda's Mansion.

 

Suddenly, it's night.

Funny, it was broad daylight five minutes ago.

AN ECLIPSE

ALL MUST PROSTRATE THEMSELVES BEFORE THE MAJESTY OF GOD

 

Saphy speaks in tongues and thrashes her body against the ground.

 

Anyway, Rumay said there was a proletariat uprising going on.

Let's quash that.

Why? Dagda's legitimately awful. The people live in squalor while he languishes in his mansion.

Also he's a rapist, but I guess that's unimportant to you.

Let's get some things straight. First, rape is not condoned by the Leonster government.

But what's condoned even less is communism!

Because, young Marty, communism is its own kind of rape.

Rape of spirit. Rape of mind. Rape of the freedom and equality that founded our nation!

Rape of democracy, Marty.

Leonster's a monarchy though. It even has a prince.

Irrelevant. Now let's kick some commie ass!

Fuck yeah.

Hurray for invisible hand theory!

Oh, whatever.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Meanwhile.

 

You won't get away with this, Gomespierre.

Too late, Dagda. My Reign of Terror has already begun!

You and your family are the first heads on the chopping block.

Start with the girl. Teach Dagda what happens to fat cats when we get control!

But Gomes, which is the girl?

Which is the... The one with the tits, duh.

It's more complicated than that, Gomes...

The hell it is. Do I need to bust out a chart?

Tits = Girl. Dick = Dude.

Whatever you say, boss.

 

The bandits drag out Antonio.

 

Unhand me, villains.

I said bring out the girl, dimwits! Can't you guys get anything right?

Uh. Guess we got confused by those flesh orbs on her—his—chest.

 

The bandits drag out Bambi.

 

Let me go!

Better?

Good job, you guys correctly identified the girl.

Congratulations on your basic knowledge of the human species.

Hey wait. I'm not a girl, I'm a guy.

Please, like that's gonna fool anyone.

It's true. I identify as male now. As a left-wing organization, you must respect my decision!

Damn, he's right.

But Bambi, what will become of our marriage?

Sorry Antonio. You know Mount Violdrake's stance on homosexuality—We'll have to break it off.

Well, not if I identify as female!

But Antonio—

Nope. If you can do it, I can too. Call me Tania from now on.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

What a coincidence, I have a daughter named Tania!

You two should meet, I bet you'll be fast friends.

Aha, so there is a girl. Kill her, men!

Oh shit.

 

A bandit raises an axe to kill Tania. Suddenly another axe flies out of nowhere and kills the bandit! The bandit falls off a cliff.

 

Who threw that axe?

I did, bitches!

Actually, it kinda threw itself. One moment I'm holding it, the next it screams "BLOOD" and goes flying.

But let's be honest, I was gonna throw it anyway.

Othin, you came to rescue me?

Halvan came too!

Yeah, but who cares.

Aw.

Reinforcements?

Indeed, communist scum. Your Reign of Terror ends here.

But my Reign of Terror hasn't begun!

I've yet to kill anyone. And after I blew so much on this new guillotine...

If you had the guillotine, why were you going to kill Antonio—

Tania.

Why were you going to kill Antonio with a regular axe?

It's part of my Gomesnomics plan to create jobs.

The market for executioners is gonna explode.

But why buy the guillotine in the first place?

To inject money into the economy. It was part of my stimulus package.

I've already caused the stock market to go up by .00001%.

Ye gods. The sooner we bring this man to justice, the better. Troops, attack!

 

Finn's soldiers attack Gomes's soldiers in an epic clash too cool to describe.

 

Gr, fall back to the throne!

And be sure to take Dagda's son/daughter hostage.

Which one is that again?

Just grab ass and haul ass!

 

The bandits grab ass and haul ass.

 

(Continued)

Edited June 17, 2019 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Damn! They took Tania and Bambi.

Don't worry, we'll save them and reinstate your rightful property.

Wow, thanks. Good to know I can count on the Leonster government to bail me out.

Bailouts? Hell no! We're charging you out of pocket.

Bah, fine. How much?

1,552,981 gold.

The fuck. There's not that much gold in all of Thracia, let alone this mansion.

What bozo would agree to pay 1,552,981 gold for anything?

How about this. I got tons of random loot in my mansion.

Odd knickknacks I've collected over the years. I'll give you all of them.

Sorry, Leonster doesn't recognize "odd knickknacks" as valid currency.

Cash only.

Actually according to freecreditreport.com you also accept Chase cards.

Can we worry about payment later? We gotta take back the throne room first.

Your mansion has a throne?

I told you he was bonkers.

Marty? Marty, is that you?

Dammit, I should've kept my mouth shut.

In fact I should never open it ever.

Every time I do is an opportunity for him to force his cock into it.

Whoa, what the hell is this Dagda? Homosexuality?

That's downright unconscionable.

Nah, Marty's talking about the sideshow geek routine we've practiced.

Since pillaging the land isn't making dividends like it used to, we've had to improvise.

I make Marty bite the heads off live chickens for street performer dough.

I spend my nights picking feathers out my teeth.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

I guess that's okay.

But if you really needed cash, why not sell all your knickknacks?

Or your throne.

Great idea! Would you like to buy them, Finn?

Even better, I'll give you them for free. Consider it your reward for saving my ass.

I already told you, no knickknacks!

But the throne does sound tempting...

Finn, what are you gonna do with a throne.

Sit on it.

Duh.

We're an army on the run with no fixed base of operations.

When are you gonna find the time to sit on a throne?

Uh, I don't know about you, but I sit all the time. I ride a horse, remember?

(I don't blame you for forgetting, sometimes I forget myself. Fucking dismount.)

So here's what I propose:

Put the throne on the horse.

So you'll take it?

Of course. But first we have to seize it from under Gomes's grubby ass.

Actually phrasing it like that makes me not want to sit on it.

I'm sure I got some Charmin Ultra to clean it. But worry about that later!

Who knows what vile tortures Gomes has concocted for Tania and Bambi...

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

In the throne room.

 

My name's Bambo, actually.

...Bambo.

It better fits my new masculine persona.

Oh, Bambo, such a manly hunk! *Swoon*

Meh. Was that girly enough?

You overdid it a tad.

Dammit, maybe this sex change wasn't such a hot idea.

Maybe I really am a man at heart.

Sort out your domestic affairs on your own time, I've got a Reign of Terror to reign over.

Plus, this posh-ass throne is so nice. Holy shit, how much did this thing cost?

Well, whatever. A guy can get used to living like this!

 

Finn and friends enter.

 

And thus you learn the most damning pratfall of communist ideology, Gomes.

Huh?

The Russians learned it. The Chinese learned it. The Cubans learned it.

Once you seize power in the name of the prole, it becomes difficult to relinquish.

Look at you. Demanding heads chopped off willy-nilly, reclining in your throne.

Your throne! The very symbol of the feudal monarchy you sought to overthrow!

What happens next? A decree that your subjects call you King Gomes?

Maybe you'll demand taxation for the construction of a monument in your honor?

Well, Gomespierre? Where does the Reign of Terror end?

Gr... It ends with your head on a stake. Sic him, boys!

Actually boss, for real what're you doing on the throne.

Come on, it's just a throne. Who cares?

So you'll melt it down and use the gold to buy irrigation equipment?

Fuck that, this throne's staying right where it is—beneath my plush buttocks.

VIVE LA REVOLUTION

OVERTHROW THE TYRANT

 

The bandits swarm Gomes.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Looks like the forces of capitalism prevail yet again.

 

Bellowing a vicious roar, Gomes blasts back the bandits with a surge of his rippling musculature. Using his massive EIGHTEEN STRENGTH, he slams his fist into the scrotum of a hapless bandit, punching it straight to the bedrock of the earth's crust, with the rest of the bandit still attached. Aided by his almost-unparalleled NINETEEN BUILD, he body slams another bandit, who promptly explodes in a shower of blood. A third bandit tries to flee, but with his lightning-quick FOURTEEN SPEED Gomes snatches him and rends him into two flailing pieces. A couple of bandits manage to string their bows and fire arrows at him, but Gomes's TWENTY-TWO DEFENSE (when factoring in throne bonuses) cause the arrows to reflect off his bulging pectoral muscles and impale the archers who fired them.

 

So much for the forces of capitalism.

What, did you think I was some wimpy brigand boss? Hell no!

Now if you want this throne upon which I have planted my bulbous rump—

(Please stop describing your ass in such detail)

—You'll have to take it from me!

Don't worry, Finn, I got this.

I dunno Othin, you may wanna be careful?

Nah.

 

Gomes attacks Othin. Othin takes the blow like a man and activates WRATH.

 

What the hell?! You've almost killed me!

Yeah dude, I'm kinda overpowered.

Now that he's low HP, we can capture him.

Why would we want to do that?

To make him apologize for everything he's done, of course.

The guy's got 19 Bld. The only person on our team fat enough to capture him is Marty.

And Marty sucks.

N-no guys, capture me! I swear I'll apologize, really!

Okay, fine. Marty, you're up.

I have zero chance of hitting him.

No, you have a 1% chance of hitting him, because that's the minimum hit chance.

It's the game giving you a consolation prize for sucking.

It's the game giving me false hope so it can immediately crush my dreams.

 

Marty attacks. And misses.

 

Oh boy.

Well Gomespierre, guess that means you're fucked.

 

Finn kills Gomes with the Hero Lance.

 

No! My Reign of Terror... wasn't all that... terrifying...

 

Gomes dies.

 

You saved my mansion! ...And my family, I guess.

Here's your payment, as promised.

 

Dagda presents the throne to Finn.

 

Yes! Halvan, tie it to my horse right away.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

As a token of my gratitude, I'll also lend you some soldiers to aid your cause.

You have soldiers?

Well, I have manservants.

Dagda, all your servants joined the revolt.

Damn. I guess I'll give you the next best thing... Marty, you're joining Finn.

Really??? Thank—

Marty's pretty useless, but maybe you can tie him to your horse too.

As like, living body armor.

Hm, I like the way you think, Dagda.

Oh come on.

Maybe I should tie my entire army to my horse, for ten times the protection.

I would be like an unstoppable Katamari ball.

Instead of slaying my enemies I merely add them to my horse.

I only hope that when you retake Leonster my contributions are remembered.

That they will, Dagda. That they will.

I'm joining your army too.

Antonio?

No, my name's Tania!

What a coincidence, my girlfriend's named Tania.

I bet if you two met, you'd be fast friends.

That's what I said!

I'm at a crossroads right now. My identity is all up in arms.

Joining a war and going on an adventure is a surefire way to find oneself.

Actually it's a surefire way to die.

My boyfriend Bambo's coming too.

I gotta protect my girl!

Your "girl" has a 20% higher strength growth than you.

Well, I'm still early in the sex change process. My testosterone shots haven't kicked in yet.

In fact, Tania's strength growth is freakishly high compared to the rest of you.

Dagda, Marty... for a bunch of ripped muscleheads, you got some shitty strength.

I kinda let myself go. Too many twinkies over the years.

I severed the tendons in my arms to protest Dagda's cruelty.

He didn't notice.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Lovely. No reason to linger here, however.

We've got a pretty good army now, but I still wanna be sure we can beat Rifis.

Next, we'll meet up with some of my buddies from Leonster. They'll be sure to help.

Probably.

Aw, man. Does that mean more walking?

Maybe for you plebes. I'm riding my throne-horse!

Dagda, ready your men. And your women pretending to be men, and your men pretending to be women.

Oh, but I'm not going.

What?

My daughter Tania's still missing!

Gomes must have trapped her in a painting somewhere in the mansion.

I'll equip myself with a vacuum and search for her.

Aw man, but we were gonna have so much fun on the road.

We'd tell jokes, we'd play card games, we'd drink rich chocolate ovaltine...

I love rich chocolate ovaltine!

Sorry, Finn. You know I could never abandon my daughter.

Dagda's right, Finn. You can't expect him to leave his family behind.

I'd do the same if I were him.

You're right. I would do the same too.

Actually, no I wouldn't.

I kinda forgot Nanna existed for awhile there.

Okay, your horse is now officially thronified. It awaits your knightly tush.

Then we leave right away.

Wait, Finn, one last thing before you go...

Who the fuck's this chick flailing around in my foyer?

GLORY BE TO GOD FOR DAPPLED THINGS

 

(End Chapter 8x)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

BONUS ROUND!!! Economics with Shiva.

 

Hey kids.

Time for Economics with Shiva. Today I'll teach you about asset liquidation.

Sometimes when you owe someone a large debt, it's prudent to sell items for cash.

To demonstrate, I will sell several knickknacks Finn definitely didn't steal from Dagda.

First up. Holy Water: 1,000 gold.

Holy Water is useless, we're not fighting vampires here. That gold will go to a worthier cause.

Namely, me.

Next. Devil Axe: 1,200 gold. This piece of shit sucks, unless you enjoy getting killed by walls.

Hammer: 1,200 gold. Not like it could hit anything anyway.

Now we get to the good stuff. Wrath Manual: 8,000 gold.

Hey, no, wait, let me have that. Please!

I need that manual. It's the only way I can hope to compete with Othin!

You have 8,000 gold?

No, but I make a decent slave—

Then fat chance. It's going to Powell's Books in Portland, Oregon.

Next item. Leg Ring: 8,000 gold.

Who would want a ring for their leg anyway? Sounds like the most useless item ever.

Why is this even worth so much?

Well as long as "dondon151" on Amazon will fork over the cash, it's all good.

Lastly. Neir Scroll: Worthless.

Can't even use it for scratch because it's got some shitty design on it already.

Guess it'll make for passable toilet paper.

Anyway, our asset liquidation earned 19,400 gold. Dropping Finn's debt to 1,533,581 gold.

I hope we have all learned a lot from this episode of Economics with Shiva.

Until next time, kids.

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Chapter 9

 

Halvan, how could you ever doubt the horse-throne.

This thing.

Is so sick.

I can't even describe its sickness in words.

I can.

And those words would be "bubonic plague."

You're moving literally TWO SQUARES A TURN. It took us the whole day to walk half a mile.

What's going to happen when we actually get into battle?

How are you going to fight when you can only move two squares a turn?

Hey, the enemy commanders don't move any squares a turn. It works for them.

We've killed them to a man, Finn.

Well it's a good thing I'm infinitely faster than them, then.

That's not—

 

Halvan works out the math in his head.

 

Okay that's true.

But highly misleading.

Mathematical fact is never misleading! Isn't that right, Othin?

Who gives a shit about math

What can math do that I can't?

Derive integrals from complex equations.

Create a payment plan to erase Finn's debt to Shiva.

Figure out the significance of the number 63.

Add.

Okay ha ha to that last one

"Stupid Othin doesn't know how to add."

Well I'll have you know I am like the addition master.

34 + 57?

91, bitches!

Sorry to interrupt. But where are we even going?

Well, according to Carrion—

Who's Carrion.

—My buddies from Leonster are hiding in Hannibal's mansion not too far from here.

What the hell is with all the mansions in the boondocks?

Mount Violdrake's scenic beauty and rustic culture make it a natural vacation destination.

I've got a mansion around here myself.

Then how come your "Leonster buddies" aren't hiding out there?

Yeah... About that... Let's just say I use the term "buddies" loosely.

If I didn't need expendable manpower to defeat Rifis, I wouldn't be looking for them at all.

I'm excited already.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Hannibal's mansion.

 

Are you here... Daddy?

Yes, Pumpkin?

I'm just here to say...

That, you know...

There are some enemies south of here...

THEN WHY AREN'T YOU LEADING A CHARGE AGAINST THEM?

WHY AREN'T YOU ALREADY DEAD FOR THE GLORY OF YOUR COUNTRY?

EVERY SECOND YOU CONTINUE BREATHING IS DISHONOR UPON MY HOUSE.

I GAVE MY ARM FOR THE WAR, WHAT DID YOU GIVE?

N-n—

NOTHING. YOU GAVE NOTHING AT ALL.

GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE MISSING A LIMB.

 

Dorias tears his taxidermied arm off the mantle and chucks it at Selphina.

 

Back to Finn and friends!

 

Okay guys, just through these woods.

Hey Finn! Bambo and I were scouting ahead.

By "scouting ahead," she means walking at a normal pace.

Anyway, guess what? There's this huge fucking army south of here.

Are they doing anything?

What do you mean are they doing anything, it's an army.

They're being an army.

But are they fighting? Charging? Moving?

Not that I can tell.

Well, then maybe they aren't a bad army. Maybe they're a nice army, and will join my cause.

Maybe we won't have to fight them at all.

All troops, charge!

Welp.

Move you layabouts, the order's from King Trabant himself!

That wealthy, well-furnished mansion is teeming with bandits.

And since the Thracian army has nothing better to do, we're gonna clear them out.

I mean, it's not like there's a war going on or anything.

Wait doesn't that mansion belong to one of our own generals.

Yeah I have no clue what we're doing either. But fuck it, charge.

 

The soldiers charge.

 

Finn, we have to get to the mansion before they do!

Okay, get going.

But what about you?

Don't worry about me, I'll catch up eventually.

Finn, this is urgent. Ditch the fucking throne already.

Who cares if he wants to ride in his throne? Let him lag behind! More enemies for me.

Actually...

Actually wait, I'm feeling really fatigued all of a sudden.

Whew! I could really go for a nap. Sorry everyone, I'm sitting this one out.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai

[General Banzai]

Uh, no. I order you to keep fighting. How are we supposed to do anything without you?

Well I have roughly comparable stats—

Dammit, wake up Othin!

Zzz...

I knew there had to be a downside to letting one unit do everything.

Guess there's no way to save my Leonster buddies now. To be fair, it's not that big a deal.

(Now's my time to prove what I can do!)

 

Halvan sneaks away from the army.

 

I can take these guys. Othin can handle them easy, and what's he got that I don't?

Besides, you know, the usual stuff.

I can be a hero. I can save everyone!

I'll help!

What the—who the fuck are you?

 

Silence.

 

No wait, I know someone said something. I heard it perfectly clearly. Come on, say it again.

...Please?

Halvan, why are you talking to yourself?

I'm not, there was this other guy who said this thing and—

Uh huh, right.

Anyway, we're sick of slowing down for Finn. So we decided to actually, y'know, do stuff.

Finn is so inefficient I'd rather risk my life in battle than slog at his pace.

You know what he says whenever we call him out on his bullshit?

"Turtling is a legitimate strategy."

No no no, you guys aren't supposed to be here.

I need to solo the whole map so I can prove I'm as good as Othin!

But you're not as good as Othin, so why bother?

*Sob*

Besides, even if you manage to get to the mansion, you still won't solo anything.

There are like four allied units already there doing stuff.

Mostly dying, but hey, that counts as an action.

I don't care! I'll show up and save everyone, and then I'll be the hero, not Othin.

 

Halvan charges into the massive wave of enemies besieging the mansion. Since those enemies are all low-level soldier units, he mops them up easily.

 

(Continued)

Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai