General Banzai Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) Fear not, soldiers of Leonster. I have saved you from this threat to life and limb! Spare your praise, unless that praise happens to be "Halvan top tier." You fucking idiot how could you do this to me? Uh. Quick, while there's still time! Hack off my arm! I've already tied my bowstring as a tourniquet. Cut it off, cut it off! Selphina flails her arm in Halvan's face. How about... no? Come on, one quick slice. Do it, please, before— Dorias calls from inside the mansion. Pumpkin, why aren't I hearing your blood-curling screams of agony? Oh no no no he's coming. Look mister. I'll pay you, I'll do anything you ask. Just cut my arm off. It'll only take one swing, my defense stat is shit. Uh, there's this guy Shiva on my team, he'll do anything if you pay him. I'll find him and maybe you two can work something out. I don't have time for that! I— Enter Dorias. Ah, I love the smell of dead daughter in the morning. Oh. You're not dead at all. Selphina throws herself at Dorias's feet. Please Daddy, I really tried to die, I really did! I even begged that man there to maim me, I begged him! Oh, why did I have to learn bows and not a weapon I could kill myself with? Nonsense, you can asphyxiate yourself with a bowstring. I see you only used yours as a tourniquet. I am highly disappointed, Pumpkin. Sigh... I suppose you must be disciplined. Oh god no please not that Too late. With his remaining arm, Dorias seizes Selphina's hair. Ignoring her frantic kicks, he drags her into the mansion, slamming the door shut behind him. Selphina's screams are muffled for a while, before she starts to scream even louder, accompanied by sounds vaguely distinguishable as a chainsaw or lawnmower revving up. I kinda wish I cut off her arm now. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) Meanwhile, Finn trudges along. We've almost crossed the forest. I should have bartered for a "per hour" charge instead of a flat sum. I would've racked up an even higher fee by now. I feel like you're dragging your figurative feet on purpose, Finn. But anyway, what are we going to do about the enemy boss? Same as we always do. Pick off his soldiers and pummel him down— Yeah, but he's moving. Moving. You mean like. His map sprite is kinda fidgeting back and forth when you put your cursor over it? Like flying over the mountains on his dragon moving. Oh shit. In fact he's coming here now. Oh shit. Surrounded by a squad of other dragon riders. Oh shit. With his Killer Lance that can OHKO anyone on our team. Oh shit. And his stats which are— Okay I'm here now. Oh lol. Marty, you got me all scared. It's just Weissmann! We fought him in Fiana, remember? Um, my name is Merlock. No it's not, it's Weissmann. I think I'd know my own name. You can't fool me, Weissmann. Changing your name and putting on different clothes? Pathetic! I expected dyed hair at least. I have no clue what you're talking about. I'm not this Weissmann character at all. I have never met anyone named Weissmann. Okay, keep telling us that, Weissmann. We'll believe you, eh Marty? *Wink nudge* Yeah, I kinda do believe him. We killed Weissmann. Pfft, like that ever stopped anyone. Okay, you're grating on my nerves now. For starters, I am a knight of Thracia. Weissmann was a knight of Manster— But if you've never met Weissmann before... How did you know that? SOUND THE RETREAT (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) The Thracian soldiers retreat. See Marty? And everyone said I needed movement to defeat the enemy. Sigh... At Hannibal's mansion. The screaming stopped, and the enemy retreated. I guess we won? Right we did, Halvan, and it was all due to my insatiable charm and foxlike cunning. Oh, you finally arrived. Look, I defeated all the enemies and— That's nice. Now where are my Leonster buddies? Let's get this inevitably excruciating conversation with them out of the way. Dorias emerges from the mansion wearing a rubber apron stained with blood. By Jove! It's Finn! Come here m'boy and give me a hug! ...I'd rather not. So uh, what's with the missing arm? Oh, nothing much. Just a small sacrifice I made on an altar to Naga. Wow, one of the true devout! I merely offered the goddess a small token of flesh in exchange for Leonster's survival. Did you uh, do the sacrificing recently? Oh, my arm? Oh heavens no. I sacrificed something far less important this time. But it seems my prayers were answered nonetheless. The shining hope of our knights, Sir Finn, has arrived! And no doubt he has with him our beacon of light, our savior, our messiah Prince Leaf? Um... Because if he had for some reason lost the prince, why... I might have to make another sacrifice. ...Eep. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) Um, no, Prince Leaf is perfectly fine, Count Dorias. He's merely... Hiding. Yeah, hiding. Do you think I would bring him onto the battlefield and risk his death? Or allow him to commit seppuku upon learning of his useless combat potential? Of course not. I dare not even utter the name of his true location, in fear of... Spies. You never know who might be a spy in these turbulent times. Sound judgment! I always knew we could count on you, Finn. So what brings you? Is Leonster's liberation on hand? Have you come to offer your blood on the altar to pray for our nation's revival?! Or perhaps you require advice on how best to charge to your deaths in true knightly fashion?! Uh no. Actually the real issue is there's this guy posing as Prince Leaf, besmirching his princely name. The dastard! I kinda need to kill this guy ASAP, but I don't have enough soldiers. I was hoping you'd help on that front. Well, I suppose I could lend my useless daughter as a soldier... Wait, I wasn't gonna mention it and make things awkward, but didn't you just murder her. Nonsense! What kind of monster do you think I am? I merely slit her throat and let her lifeblood flow onto the altar. If you're quick you can probably heal her or whatever. I mean, if you want to dishonor my family by prolonging her existence. Saphy, go. As a cleric I am not allowed to interfere in a religious ritual— Saphy, go. Yeah yeah, you better hope the staff doesn't miss "on accident." Saphy exits into the mansion. Why do you want soldiers anyway? My tactical advice and morale-boosting prowess ought to suffice. Indeed, my mere presence has already given you a leadership star. Wait, really? Finn checks his stat sheet. Oh heck yes! Finn, I really don't know, this guy is somehow worse even than August. You're hired, Dorias. What's your first piece of advice for my army? CHARGE THE ENEMY IN A GLORIOUS SUICIDE RUSH. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) Meanwhile, in the dark corners of the mansion. Okay, you're not dead anymore. Get up and quit boohooing. Why must this tortured existence continue? Saphy and Selphina exit. ... ... ... Are they gone? Yes, we are alone now. We can now welcome our brother. Welcome, Brother Carrion. Yes, welcome. I join arms with you, brothers. But what of the fifth? Has he arrived? He attempted to join us, but was waylaid. He sends his deepest regrets. He will join at a later time. When he is joined, we shall be complete. Yes, we shall. But how long must we wait? The ritual must be completed as soon as possible— Peace, Carrion. How can I be peaceful when— Carrion, my wayward son, there will be peace when we are one. Until then, we must bide our time. Yes, we must bide our time. I understand now, my brothers. We must bide our time. (End Chapter 9) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 3, 2013 Author Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) Chapter 10 Noel Canyon. Uh where is this. I don't think this is where we want to go, Dorias. Nonsense! This is the most direct route to charge the heart of the empire. That isn't where we want to go, Dorias. There's a border garrison stationed ahead. We will ride upon their ranks and dash their heads! Or die trying. Ooh, even better, we die and they die, at the same time. That way everyone is dead. Yeah, we're not doing that. In fact, we're turning around right now and finding another route— Too late. I already sent my daughter ahead to alert the enemy to our presence. No backing out now! Mother of dicks. Meanwhile, at the fort. Enemies attacking?! Yes, General Largo. A lone bow knight appeared, waving the flag of Leonster. She shouted, "Come kill me. I'm so weak and frail. It'll only take one hit." "And if it takes more than one hit, my useless Duel skill will give you another chance." Obviously she's baiting us into an enemy ambush. I'm too experienced to fall for such an easy ruse. Let the rider have her fun. We'll sit right here in this heavily-defended canyon. Sound strategy, general. I'll alert the troops to stand perfectly still. Back to Finn. How could they not be coming to kill us?! I did everything I could, please don't sacrifice me to the dark god... Insolence! I would only sacrifice you to the good god. Well, Dorias, your clever ruse failed. Now troops, let's turn around and— Pumpkin, initiate Plan B! Yes Daddy... Selphina pulls a detonator out of her cloak and presses a button. Explosives placed in strategic areas around the canyon erupt, causing a landslide which blocks off escape for Finn and friends. Muahaha, now you have no choice but to fight your way forward! One leadership star is not worth this. Sigh... Get ready to fight, everyone. Since I'm your tactician, allow me to give you some tactical advice. Hell no. There are three ways you can proceed. One, have everyone charge forward and die all at once. (This is my preferred strategy.) Two, use all your expendable units as bait while a small force strikes the castle. (This saves some people to die later, like a dessert of heroic sacrifice.) And the third... Well, you ought to have figured the third out by now. Honestly, I don't wanna know. It probably involves ritualistic seppuku. Who the fuck needs strategy anyway? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 3, 2013 Author Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) I finished my nap and now I'm ready to rumble. Let's do the tried-n-true "run forward killing everything" routine. Now this is a man after my own heart. Othin... SMASH! Othin obliterates some puny soldier as he cleaves a bloody swath into the canyon. In the fort. Sir, the canyon entrance caved in. You were right, they must have wanted to lure us into the destruction. We're dealing with tactical masterminds here. Fortunately, I have the ability to out-tactic them. The order to not move stands. We fight on our terms! Yessir. General Largo, what's going on here? This isn't how my brother would conduct the battle. Dammit Olwen, when did you get here? Did Kempf send you away again? Yes. He is so jealous of my brother that he takes it out on me, my brother's sister. Thus I have to go on errands to strange boondocks where everyone is inferior to my brother. Which is everywhere. Yes. I know. You've told me about your brother before. Good. Allow me to add to your compendium of knowledge about my brother. For instance, my brother would certainly not follow this strategy of yours. He would also array his soldiers in a different formation. Furthermore, he would take to the field himself instead of sitting on the gate. Oh, and he would be sure to deploy several sub-commanders. He would also be dashing and handsome. Is that so. Tell me more, I am so fascinated by your brother. A logical reaction. I shall now commence a discussion of my brother's facial features— I think I understand why Kempf sends you away every chance he gets. I would hope you understood, considering I told you. In case you forgot, it is because my brother— Okay. Olwen, please listen to me. blah blah blah brother blah blah brother brother blah Olwen. My favorite brother... It... cute... lovely... smart... plus... amazing... you think so? Olwen. Oh yes... it... stunning... kindly... love it! Hug it... when... sleeping... warm and cuddly... OLWEN. Spectacular... ravishing... Huh what? Did you say something, General Not-My-Brother? Olwen, I have an important task for you. Your brother would never fail an important task, would he? Of course not. In fact, he— Good. So what I need is this: Run back to Fort Dandrum, far away from here, and petition Kempf for reinforcements. Please. I don't know, I believe instructing you as to the qualities of my brother would— (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 3, 2013 Author Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) GO. NOW. Fine. But my brother would treat his subordinates with respect. Olwen exits. Yeesh... How the hell do you deal with her on a daily basis, Fred? The sex is good Meanwhile. No, no, no! This is all wrong! The suicide charge isn't supposed to work! Sorry dude, I'm too OP to die. Pumpkin, you're certainly not "OP." Run straight into the middle of them and die! I'm trying Daddy, I swear I really am. But they won't move for any reason whatsoever! I keep firing arrows and they won't even step the one space to fight back. Then forget about attacking. Stand next to them and wait for them to kill you. Selphina, don't do that. But... but if I don't he'll take me to the room. Finn, don't meddle with how I discipline my child. Let's phrase it this way. I'm acting commander of the knights of Leonster. I gave Selphina the direct order to not kill herself doing stupid things. Think of the shame heaped on your house if she died disobeying the order of a superior. ... You win this time, Finn. BUT I'LL FIND A WAY TO RID MYSELF OF HER YET! You could like, send me to boarding school or something. Like normal horrible parents... Just what this army needs, more lousy father figures. We escaped Dagda only to immediately fall into this man's one-handed clutch. But hey, as long as I'm not the one getting abused— Marty, shut up and soak ballista hits or something. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 3, 2013 Author Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) Elsewhere on the battlefield. Okay Othin. While the babies on our team plod around in their diapers, let's fuck shit up. Shut up about diapers, you already pooped your pampers Look, I know you wanna be all cool and awesome like me, but it's not happening. Aw, but I even made an awesome name for us: The Berserker Bros! Halvan, there isn't a single thing about you I'd call "berserk." Besides, if we had a name, it'd be the Othin Bros. Because like the Mario Bros., there's one bro everyone cares about. And one bro who gets relegated to quirky sidequests nobody likes. Oh fuck why didn't I think of calling us the Othin Bros. sooner? Then you could've starred in Halvan's Mansion back when we were visiting every fucking mansion ever. Dagda even made that reference about using his vacuum or some shit. And the comparison completely slipped my mind. What a load of dicks! Othin hurls Pugi ten tiles across the map and kills a ballistician in one hit. Yeah, but how are you supposed to get your axe back now? Othin activates powerful magnets that pull Pugi back to him. ... Enemy approaches! AHA! I got you now, strange kid who keeps following me— Watch out, an enemy! Othin pushes Halvan out of the way and prepares for an attack. Oh shit Halvan, this enemy has a face and a name. You know what that means? He'll be a difficult foe and we'll have to pair up to defeat him. Hell no, it means more experience for me when I slaughter his ass! Wait, who even is this guy? The face and name imply he's a subcommander. But he's just a wyvern rider flying around on his lonesome in the mountains. He has no squad under his command, and he's not issuing orders to anyone. Is he part of the Freege army defending the canyon? A Thracian who wandered into the brawl? A messenger bearing important news from the front? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 3, 2013 Author Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) Who is he, Othin? Who is he. He's dead. Pugi megacritical. Oh come fucking on. What? As if anyone cared who he was anyway. I'm not talking about that! I'm talking about how there are three underleveled archers on this team. Any of whom would have loved that exp. I need to level up to make use of my stellar magic growth! Come off it, you won't even get fielded the instant we have enough soldiers to bench you. Do something actually useful, like visiting a house or whatever. Hell, Bambo's got an extra movement point for some inexplicable reason. Bah, fine. Bambo visits the nearest house. Thank you for visiting me. For being so kind as to barge into my house uninvited, take this staff. Got the MAGIC UP STAFF! YES! Now my magic stat will be even HIGHER! Whoops, I'll be confiscating that for the "Give Shiva Money" fund. 2,200 gold? Passable. TOTAL DEBT: 1,531,381 POKOS GOLD Meanwhile. Mister dragon knight, are you okay? Please, I know your wounds are grievous, but try to speak. I need to know one thing: Who are you? ...Kid, I'm done for. It's okay, take your time. I'm bird food. There's... only one thing... I gotta say... What is it? You must tell me! ...I'm... You're what? What? I'm Carrion... He dies. What does that mean?! Who the hell is Carrion?! Maybe by "Carrion" he was punning on his previous statement of being "bird food." Who said that?! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 3, 2013 Author Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) Meanwhile, the battle goes well for Finn's group, mostly because the enemy soldiers refuse to disobey Largo's order not to move. Actually, it's because of my tactical knowhow and amazing leadership capabilities. No. Shut up. Finn, stop talking to yourself. I dunno, "me" seems like a more interesting conversational partner than you. Oh quiet. Look, I want to thank you. For earlier, when Daddy was trying to make me die. And you were all, "Don't do that." Whoa now, don't get the wrong idea. I don't give a shit about you. In fact, you're one of my worst units. On a team with Marty, Tania, and Bambo, so that's saying something. I just can't afford to sacrifice anyone when my army's as small as it is. Plus, I'm gonna have to decline the sex with which you intend to thank me. My heart belongs to Lachesis. Her name is Raquesis. Shut up! Don't be such a pig, I would never sleep with you. Besides, I too am in a committed relationship. In fact, I'm married to a friend of yours named Glade— Whoa whoa whoa. Glade? As in, Glade, my best bro? My closest compadre? My awesomest amigo? Yeah, that Glade. Damn, he sure managed to snag a choice piece of ass! Course your face is a little messed up and your tits are pretty flat, but hey. Nothing a little plastic surgery won't fix. I'd complain, but your casual chauvinism is child's play after my father. Which is exactly what I want to talk to you about. Think how upset Glade would be if, on your reunion, you had to explain how you let his wife die. Ha, if you died I would totally not tell Glade right away. In fact I would never tell him. I would deny ever meeting you. Look, can you please at least put in some effort to make me not die? Because I'd rather not die. But if I don't die, my father will kill me! Okay, okay, fine. Shouldn't be too hard to stop Dorias from killing you anyway. Considering he has like, one arm. That didn't stop him from blowing up the entire canyon and trapping us here. Actually, you were the one who pressed the detonator. Well fuck. Yo Finn, all that's left is the boss. The real boss, not the fake sub-boss who didn't do diddly. Come quick! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 3, 2013 Author Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) They head to the castle gate, where Largo and the other soldiers are waiting. ...But if you're sacrificing everyone, why not sacrifice the Jews first? Hm... I like the way you think, Saphy. Okay, what's going on here? Nothing much, just plotting the Final Solution. I mean about the boss. I got called out here and had to slog my way at 2 move a turn. Is there any particular reason? Like, is this boss more difficult than the others? Nah but I figured you gotta be here to seize the gate anyway. Might as well save the boss until you're here so I got an audience for how bad I tear him a new asshole. General Largo will not move! Largo? Now there was a man who knew how to sacrifice his arm for a noble cause! Namely, the noble cause of sacrificing one's arm. Well, I'm here now. Do your thing, Othin. I would strongly suggest you capture him. You're behind on your payments, after all. Fine. Do your thing at halved MT and attack speed, Othin. Awwww Think of it like a challenge. You always talk about how you can, quote, "wipe these scrubs" with one hand behind your back. Time to put your money where your mouth is. Oh fine. Othin crits for slightly less massive damage than usual. General Largo will not move! Except you will, because we have literally picked you up to move you. Shiva, asset liquidation. Ka-ching ka-ching 15,400 in assets. TOTAL DEBT: 1,515,981 POKOS GOLD You know we're eventually gonna need those Knight Crests you keep selling. To like, promote and stuff. Psh, as if you're ever promoting. Dude have you seen my promo bonuses? Nope. And I never will. Only two people on this team are ever gonna promote: Othin, and me. Unless you can come up with 1.5 million gold, nobody's promoting. Welp, hope this game has good prepromotes. Anyway, enough of this shitty map. I'm seizing the gate. So you're going to be on both a gate and a throne at the same time. +20 def woot (End Chapter 10) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) Chapter 11 Fort Dandruff. Ah, finally some peace and quiet. Now I have time to relax, unwind, and write a chapter of my autobiography, Mein Kempf. "It was about then that young Kempf exited the fourth trance, and achieved nirvana." Yes yes, that will do quite nicely— General Kempf, I have returned. Fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit. I know being in the presence of one who holds the same blood as my brother is difficult for you. But please, despite your worse test scores than my brother, Worse rank than my brother, Worse mental faculties than my brother, Worse physical appearance than my brother, And your smaller penis than my brother, Try to focus on the task at hand. I'm going to kill you. Slowly. Now now, that's not very professional of you, General Kempf. Of course, what should I expect from someone who isn't my brother. Anyway, soldiers are attacking Noel Canyon. The situation is dire enough that I'm petitioning aid from someone as unbrotherly as you. I wonder, if I slit your throat and told everyone you died in battle... Would anyone care? Well, obviously, my brother would come and strangle you with your own esophagus. Oh would he? But you died a valiant death, fighting to defend the empire. I'll even show up at your funeral and say a few words. "General Olwen was a wonderful woman, beloved by all." I am quite the actor (as I am quite the everything), so nobody will suspect a thing. When I meet your precious brother, I'll present him your magic tome as a memento. In our mutual grief, we'll go out on the town and get hammered in the tavern. Except I'll be secretly imbibing only root beer. When he's made a drunken ass of himself, I'll expose his skullduggery to Lady Ishtar! AND THEN I WILL REPLACE YOUR BROTHER AT HER SIDE! My brother would never fall for such an elementary ruse. Not to mention the soldiers here would— Lock her in the dungeon, boys! Thank you, sir. The soldiers take Olwen to the dungeon. Ah, finally some peace and quiet. I can use this time to plan all the ways I'll make Olwen scream tonight— Yo what's up Kempf Oh god fucking dammit I forgot you existed Fred. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) Now I have to factor you into my plans. Plans You did something to Olwen didn't you Olwen has died, Fred. I'm terribly sorry. She fell in battle. What battle The uh, the battle. The one with the fighting and such. You locked Olwen in the dungeon again didn't you ... Maaaaybe. How many times do I have to tell you "You're not allowed to lock Olwen in the dungeon" Do I have to do the Kempf chant now Oh come on, the Kempf chant doesn't do anything— Kempf no Kempfing Kempf no Kempfing Aww man! Outside the fort. Oh yes, oh most excellent. The next trial on your road to glorious death is Fort Dandrum. It is rumored to be nigh impenetrable. But the massive throbbing phallus of Leonster shall penetrate it. And the dentata of General Kempf shall bite the phallus off! And everyone dies of blood loss. My old tactician gave me the same speech about Fort Kelves. Except, minus the phallus stuff. Just the impenetrable part. And you know what? Fort Kelves was really fucking penetrable. I don't recall having any trouble there at all. So I'm not even worried about this place. Look, the door's even open. Psh, pathetic soldier enemies? We're halfway through the damn campaign and the enemy's still sending these scrubs? Even if I tried to die I don't think they could kill me! Well, let's not stop you from trying, Pumpkin. What a terrible parent I would be if I stifled your hopes and ambitions! Yeah, yeah, everyone destroy the enemies, this won't be too difficult. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) Meanwhile, Kempf struggles to resume Kempfing. Fred, your vile sorcery has somehow prevented me from Kempfing! How can this be? Dunno I just say the words man Hey guys, not sure what the fuck you're doing. But uh, we're under attack. An attack?! Dammit Fred, your occult arts have bound me at the worst time! How shall I defend Fort Dandrum without my Kempf powers?! Oh shit Everyone knows my Kempfness is the thing that gives Dandrum its legendary impregnability! Quick, quick, reverse the spell. Uhhhh I never really thought about reversing it tbh I didn't think I'd ever be in a situation where I would want you to Kempf If you don't reverse it, we're all going to die!!! Uh okay okay I got it Kempf keep Kempfing Kempf keep Kempfing Did that work NO. Welp looks like we're in shit canyon and there's just been a landslide This is beyond bad. Think, Kempf, think! What would Kempf do?? Kempf... Kempf... Gasp! Kempf, is that you? Indeed it is, Kempf... I am the Ghost of Kempfmas Past... I come to you with a warning... What is it, o wise semi-sepia Kempf who may be a flashback or may just be a zombie? If ever I have needed divine aid, it is now. My warning is... Okay it's not really a warning. I just said that to sound spooky. Really I'm just telling you to use the portcullis attack, you dumbass. OF COURSE! Thanks, Kempf. Fred, go meet the enemy head-on so I can lock you in a death arena with them. Why Because I'll, uh, kill Olwen or something, I dunno. Insert generic threat of your choice. Weak. Shush! (Kempftinued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) Ugggggh I mean on one hand it's like, Olwen So who fucking cares But on the other hand she's free pussy no strings attached I never understood that, actually. Why would you have sex with her? Seems like she would spend the whole time moaning about how you aren't as good as her brother. The trick is earplugs Ah. I guess Finn's doing something too. If anyone cares. Hey! Everyone cares. Finn, are you talking to yourself again? No, I'm talking to the— Voice. In the sky. ...Right. All mugs have been mopped out here, Finn. Now let's fuck shit up in the castle! Yeah okay lemme slog my way there on throne-horse. ... ... ... Okay, I'm in. YOU ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD IN AMERICA SCREW THE RULES ETC ETC. The castle's nine thousand doors all close. What the hell? No fair, you can't send doors to fight us! How do I even kill doors? Doors don't have HP bars! Yo Kempf I think you forgot about me No I didn't. Yeah you kinda locked me in here with them Yeah. That's the point. What that's a dumb fucking point I recall being incredibly honest about this. Like not even trying to obscure the truth. What no I don't remember this shit Perhaps flashback-Kempf would like to demonstrate? Fred, meet the enemy head-on so I can lock you in a death arena with them. Why See? Wait, this is what you meant by locking me in a death arena Uh. Yeah. What else would I mean. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) Dunno I was imagining something more WWE Ladder challenge rumble in the rink rumpus room stuff Why would that be any better?! Uh I guess I figured it would be kinda funny if nothing else This is bland as shit Fuck you Kempf you can't even make a death arena cool No fuck you, my death arena is the COOLEST death arena. Definitely cooler than Reinhardt's shitty death arenas. Uh are we interrupting something here? If we are we can come back some other time. Like never. ACTUALLY NO WE CAN'T I FORGOT WE'RE LOCKED IN HERE Wait who's even here anyway? It's kinda just me. And me! I've been here the whole time, fighting and proving my worth and— So the rest of us are trapped outside doing nothing? What are my soldiers even going to do without my guiding hand? They must be descending into anarchy right now. Anyone wanna play truth or dare? Sure sounds fun. Ye gods. Look everyone who isn't me JUST SHUT UP. Face it, you all got bamboozled by my tactical BRILLIANCE into walking into my trap. Now sit there and wait for my ballistae to destroy you! No fuck that I'm not on your team anymore Olwen who This shit's way too much trouble Well, FINE. I'll have the ballistae shoot you first! Okay cool how convenient they do only somewhat too little damage to two-shot me Allows me to chug this convenient vulnerary while they whittle down their ammo So convenient it's like whoever designed this shitty arena did it with that in mind Like let's make it tauntingly impossible for me to die What??? NO!!! Wait aren't you the one who designed this shitty arena Kempf (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) EURURRRGH I'll take that as a yes Have fun not killing me dumbass No, you're the dumbass, because you don't even punctuate your sentences! What Don't think I haven't noticed. The way you infuriatingly decapitate the end stops of every statement you make. Dude what I'm pretty sure the whole losing your ability to Kempf earlier was bullshit Because that is some textbook Kempfing No, shut up, I will not speak to you unless you use a period in your next sentence. Okay ho.w's this FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. By the way Kempf didn't you forget some punctuation yourself not too long ago What?? That is an absolutely RIDICULOUS assertion. I dunno I remember it pretty clearly Yo T Virus Kempf hook a bro up with another flashback EURURRRGH See that there is one incredibly missing period Better get your pregnancy test ready Kempf No, no, no, no, NO. This is ALL WRONG. Might not be too late for the morning-after pill No, stop. Stop this stupid pregnancy metaphor before it overstays its welcome. Sorry I'm just revving up If the pill doesn't work I got the number of a doc you may wanna call His name's August he's helped me out in the past Just a coupla operations snip-snip and pow Some bona fide Play It As It Lays shit ...Wait. This abortion doctor's helped you before? Um oh shit Look let's forget I brought this up Ha ha, NOPE. Now the upper hand is MINE! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) Look dude it's really no big deal Honestly I don't give a fuck it's just it's a black eye for Olwen you know Not literally like I didn't hit her I'm not you Great, excellent, yes. I totally forgot I was going to torture her tonight. Now not only have you reminded me, but you even supplied me some excellent material! I can't wait to see her face when I call Reinhardt and spill the beans about her unwanted surprise. Mmmm delectable. Ha ha, wow, really? It's like, every time we meet someone I always wonder how they can be worse than whoever came before. But somehow they manage it. I dunno, Finn. Is this guy really worse than the other people we've met? Like Leidrick, or August. In fact compared to them he's pretty tame. Like regular douche, instead of douche+. Hear that Kempf you aren't even the Kempfiest Kempf Try harder Fuck you, I WILL! I'll prove I'm the scummiest scumbag of them all! In fact, I'm fucking GLAD my shitty ballistae can't kill you! That way I get to savor the look on your face when I present the mangled corpse of your sextoy! Kee hee hee~ Kempf egresses with a flourish of his stylish cape. Wait, so... The boss just left. Yeah I guess that means we can just like Open the doors And seize the throne? Yeah pretty much Welp, easiest battle yet. (End Chapter 11) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Chapter 11x FREDQUEST 2011 or, DUDE WHERES MY OLWEN Geez what a shitty day at work Kempf was even Kempfier than usual Nice to finally get back to the pad Kick back slam a beer or five Get out of this shitty armor Hell yes Dude, bro, my best bro Fred, how's it broing?? Ah sick it's my roommate Ralph Shit son gimme an epic brofist right here The brofist is too epic to be rendered pictorially. Okay, dude. Bro. Bro. Listen to this. I got news you are not going to believe. You can only brolieve it, you dig? I so dig My second best bro Bromeros is hosting a brodown at his place in Tahra. You know where Tahra is? It's pretty lame, name doesn't lend itself to bro puns and all... But this shindig is gonna be so sick. We will be unable to stop, because we are gonna be addicted to the shindig. That shindig is like motherfucking CRACK BROCAINE, that's how addicted we're gonna be. You down, bro, or are you down?? I am so down Don't let my lack of exclamation points fool you my downness attribute is over nine thousand And by nine thousand I mean BRO THOUSAND BROOOOO Lemme just saddle up Olwen and Ah fuck What's the broldup, bro? I totally forgot my crazy boss locked Olwen up again to torture her Haha, oh man, you're right that is some downright insanity there, bro. Dude that reminds me of this brotally crazy story about my boss, dude bro listen to this: So I'm like, stacking the Campbell's on aisle eight or whatever. And then like, my boss shows up, and is all: "Uh, yes, Ralph, I told you to stack the Campbell's on aisle nine, yes." And I'm all: "No bro, you definitely said aisle eight, I heard you." And he's all: "Uhhhhh, well, whatever I said, I meant aisle nine." And I'm all— Okay yeah this is definitely comparable to the level of batshit my boss is at And I'd love to hear the rest of this sick story but I should probably save Olwen Aw bro don't be like that! Olwen is such a bitch I can't even call her Brolwen despite her name brotally begging for it. (The way I'm gonna make those Tahra bitches beg for it tonight, BROOOO YEAH!) (Brotinued) Edited June 17, 2019 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Look, just come with me to the shindig, I'll hook you up with some brodacious babes in bro time at all. Bromeros's shindigs all wind up as brorgies anyway. A brorgy does not seem like something I want to be part of Okay maybe I went a little too hard on the bro puns but you get the point. Forget Olwen, acquire big booty bitches. Everyone wins. Except Olwen, I guess. Ugggh Fuck crises of conscience Look dude I know how you feel and I know this shindig is gonna be hells of tight And I also know the old adage "bros before hoes" But this is just something I gotta do Shit bro I guess I can dig that. Like, in the way that I don't dig it at all, but if it's something you're set on I ain't one to judge a bro. So like whaddya gotta do now, ask your boss for her back or something? I dunno Kempf seemed to be in one of his shittier moods today I'll probably need to challenge him to man-to-man combat or something equally stupid Bro shit! That's like some Super Smash Bros. Brahwl shit right there! Shit, maybe this ain't so lame an idea after all. I'm always down to smack some shitty bosses, like that movie Horrible Bosses starring Brolin Farrell! Or was it Josh Brolin? Dude Josh Brolin is the best actor ever. I don't even need to make up a pun for him, it's already there. Wait, what was I talking about? Honestly I have no clue— Bro yeah, Horrible Bosses. Anyway in Horrible Bosses everyone has these horrible bosses so they decide to, like, kill them or some shit. Point is it's a fucking LAUGH-O-BRAHMA and I ain't even talking like the Hindu god, bro. So yeah, let's FUCK YOUR BOSS UP! Okay ...Brokay YEEE SON! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Meanwhile, in Castle Dark And Scary, where Olwen is being kept. My brother would torture me far better than this. I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YOU DUMB BITCH! Exactly. My brother is much more efficient than you. That's why he wins every draft challenge. No, bullshit, he always first picks Vanessa! Well, perhaps if you had the skill to play a game more difficult than Sacred Stones— FUCK YOU. Okay, enough talk. The torture begins NOW. Someone fetch me... The whiffle bat. Ha. I don't even need to bring up my brother for this one, that's just stupid. Oh no, help, he's hitting me with his whiffle bat! I'm going to sodomize you with it. Ram it in to the hilt. ...Oh. Milord, I feel I must interject. Do you not recall the Empire's decree against rape? It was considered in poor taste for soldiers to rape captured women. The decree was issued by Bishop Berdo himself. Even Lord Leidrick had to comply. What?? Okay for starters, that's the dumbest decree I've EVER heard. Secondly, how is what I'm doing rape? Ahem, you threatened to forcibly insert a long object into her posterior. It's not like it's MY long object going in there. That's obvious, considering your object is not long at all. I'll cut you. It's still a violation of sexual privacy. In other words, "rape." No, this is fucking bullshit, total bullshit. Fuck the Empire and their arbitrary decrees. We're going full steam ahead with the whiffle bat plan. Choo choo, all aboard! Next stop, Olwen's large intestine! I'm afraid, young Kempf, I will have to apply the brakes to your rape train. Oh what the fuck, how did you get here? That's not important. What's important is my ability to soak up another fleeting cameo. Er, I mean, what's important is enforcing the decrees of the Empire. (But seriously, where's the screen time?) Look, can't we make an exception to that whole "No Rape" baloney just this once? No. Come on, we're pals, aren't we? You can turn your head, right? We're not pals. And my head is ever-fixed in this direction. Shooting eggs at you. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Um, huh? Forget I said that about the eggs. This is SO lame. How am I supposed to torture her without rape? The good old wholesome way. With pliers. A chainsaw works well too. Cuts slow, allows them to watch as their leg detaches from their body. The pain, I hear, is exquisite. Anyway, my five minutes of reminding everyone I still exist are up. Toodle-doo! Berdo exits. Your whiffle bat, as requested, sir. And I was going to have so much fun with this thing... Fine. Take back the whiffle bat. Bring me the claw hammer. Meanwhile, the Super Bro Bros. reach the castle. Aw hell yeah, it's time for some good old fashioned brosieging. Let's storm this brortress! Okay sure that's a great attitude But there's like only two of us And nine fucking million of them So we can't just go around making a ruckus you dig Gotta be all stealthy like Oh shit, so like Metal Gear— Metal Gear Brolid yeah Actually I was gonna say Metal Gear Brahlid. To be more, you know, bronetically resonant. You mean resbronant Bro, yes. Speaking of resbronant I like how you didn't bother to switch out of your SICK BRO POLO. Oh fuck I forgot all about my armor Shit now it'll take like one fucking hit to kill me Dammit Bromeros's I mean Homeros's shindig is really starting to sound more appealing now Too late, can't back out now. We're going BRAHLL THE WAY! Auuuugh why are you even my friend (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Let's check up on Olwen's horrible torture. Okay first we'll apply the claw hammer to the knee. You ever see Oldboy, Olwen? Starring Josh Brolin, the best actor ever? No I mean the Korean original— Wait. Did you just praise someone who wasn't your brother? Sorry, I've simply heard the phrase "Starring Josh Brolin, the best actor ever" so many times. I was psychologically compelled to repeat it, like a parrot. Who the hell would say "Starring Josh Brolin, the best actor ever" that many times?? I don't bro. I mean know! I don't know. Whatever. Point is, I'm gonna pry your teeth out one by one. I don't know about that, Kempf. It sounds vaguely sexual. What. No it doesn't. Yes it does. You are invading the privacy of a woman's mouth with a long stiff object. The woman's mouth of course being the place where oral sex occurs. No, stupid, no, that's dumb dumb dumb. That is not rape. I didn't write the rules. Ugh fine. We'll go with the kneecap bashing, as was my original idea. Bzzrt incorrect. Making unwanted advances on a woman's legs is a form of sexual harassment. Okay fuck that, fuck that in so many ways. 1. I'm not making an "advance" on her legs I'm just smashing them to smithereens. 2. The decree doesn't give a shit about sexual harassment, it just cares about rape. Well semantically speaking, a decree is an inanimate object and has no "feelings"— Fuck you. Who even are you, I don't remember you existing before. Why weren't you helping me defend Fort Dandrum from the invaders? I could've used a guy with long range magic when I had everyone locked in my trap. I was busy guarding the children. Children, what fucking children. This is a MILITARY BASE, why do we have children. That's bullshit, everything is bullshit. Why is being a raging murderous scumbag SO HARD??? To be fair, you manage to be one quite well given the circumstances. Why thank you. Although not as well as my brother. EURURRRGH. (Ha, didn't forget the period that time!) (I am proud of you, son.) (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Meanwhile. Quick Fred, down this brorridor! Shit that was too close that soldier almost saw us We better get some mad bonus exp for not getting detected here *bronus Yeah bronus whatever Look this is where the prisoners are kept Olwen's in here probably *brahbably No, probably :( Quit sulking and help me open the door *bropen No dude shut up with the bro puns Like they're not even cool in fact they're the epitome of lame Okay I can understand if the pun is like really really good You know like Broklahoma Remember when you came up with Broklahoma we were laughing for hours And when I rented Brokeback Mountain? No that was less cool Point is you gotta really tone it down on the puns If you burn out the puns on every long O sound you come across Then you'll miss the really golden opportunities You dig I guess I dig. Now let's save my girlfriend Hell yeah! They open the prison door. hi im a kid What the fuck This is a military base why are there children here (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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