The Scars of Tascera Feedback Thread.

[Deity]

Ok, so we got some of that nailed down. Still, you failed to accept that you indeed have a hard time communicating yourself across, like in that last post of yours, I still saw a couple of errors. (When why do you feel the need...It is Then why do you feel.)

Don't take it bad, I is just trying to make you better by correcting your errors.

Still, even if my work is unfinished, I know that my work is not great, nor is it crap. I don't say I am perfect, never have. I have simply said that I think I don't need much help when it comes to relating a story across. Heck, Quotation-like stories where you only have quotes can be done easily. But I don't bother with that sort of style since it is too simple. I like writing in a creative way, we all have our styles.

Now, I had planned a good series about the Captain and the Commodore, but seeing as to I don't get people to sign up, I have realized that forum members don't really care whether they are in or not, and so I shall write something with other characters. Its gonna be hard for me since I enjoy writing about forum members, but I should be ok, I have to adapt. ^^

Good luck with your next update, I shall be waiting for it. And I mean it, not because I want to pin point your mistakes, but because I've realized that your writing is at least more credible.

[Judge Judy]

Zakelina I think its best to end this now.

I don't see any problem with Shuuda's story relating to grammatical errors...plus he did explain the points you mentioned.

This is turning into some sort of competition of who can write the best story. Not appropriate for this topic.

Edited January 12, 2009 by Judge Judy

[Shuuda]

I still saw a couple of errors... like in that last post of yours, I still saw a couple of errors.

Like I said before, typos are far from the worst error one could make. And I can think of worse things about my own writing (Too many commas was one thing some people noted, as was an over use of adverbs, and vocabulary excesses in general.)

And do keep in mind that I obviously put more effort into writing the story than I do the posts. So comparing them too much is not a good idea (Hence why I said that pointing out errors in my post was off-topic).

I know that my work is not great, nor is it crap.

Funnily enough, I used to say the exact same thing back when I was first starting out. (That is not to say that either one of us is crap; more that we are unaware of the mistake we make.)

Heck, Quotation-like stories where you only have quotes can be done easily. But I don't bother with that sort of style since it is too simple.

Script-fics are just a plain bad format. They do not leave my room for descriptions, and they forget the fact that scripts were made with TV/plays/etc in mind, and rely on the audience being about to see visual props and facial expressions on stage. Allow me to make a quote:

2. Threads containing so-called script fics will be locked. We want some quality here, people. A script fic is the antithesis of quality writing. If you do not know what I mean when I say 'script fic,' here's the definition: a story written in the same way as the author wrongly envisions a movie script. For example,

Lyn: Look over there!

Eliwood: It's Hector! But his head has been replaced by Nergal's!

Nergal: Ha ha ha!

Needless to say, actual movie scripts are not like this, but the point remains. I know, before anyone mentions it, that I am myself guilty of writing a script fic, if for parodic purposes, but that is actually nothing but a red herring (a verbal distraction) in this case.

Well, I do wish you good luck in your next story.

Edited January 12, 2009 by Man of the Year!

[Deity]

Like I said before, typos are far from the worst error one could make. And I can think of worse things about my own writing (Too many commas was one thing some people noted, as was an over use of adverbs, and vocabulary excesses in general.)

And do keep in mind that I obviously put more effort into writing the story than I do the posts. So comparing them too much is not a good idea (Hence why I said that pointing out errors in my post was off-topic).

Funnily enough, I used to say the exact same thing back when I was first starting out. (That is not to say that either one of us is crap; more that we are unaware of the mistake we make.)

Script-fics are just a plain bad format. They do not leave my room for descriptions, and they forget the fact that scripts were made with TV/plays/etc in mind, and rely on the audience being about to see visual props and facial expressions on stage. Allow me to make a quote:

Well, I do wish you good luck in your next story.

@JudgeJudy We are not, in any way, flaming each other, so I believe I have nothing to stop.

Anyway, I see what you mean. So, was that rule put to effect? And if so, why do people still do that here?

Also, thanks for the good luck, though I don't believe in it, I still appreciate the gesture. I will try to improve on some of my stuff.

[Malexis]

*Points to the wiki quote.* "?!" are acceptable in this context. Notice how I have brought out quotes and even links to back up my points; whereas you have not even shown any prove of research at all. Meaning that so far, my argument has more weight to it.

Fiction and academic texts are two different things, and therefore have some different rules.

If that was true, when why do I bother editing my writing? It is obviously a sign that I accept my mistakes, and so the desire to fix them. Just because I question things does not mean I do not accept other things. I pointed out that most of the typos you pointed out were in fact correct spelling for British English, thus giving me a ground in which to bring your criticism into question. It is not like what you do (where you ignore my words because I'm a tad harsh) I am fairly arguing a point, which I have some evidence to back up.

And you are the one who shows and does not tell, or make decent characters. A few typos are hardly the greatest fault in the world, especially compared to your lack of world building and character creating.

Someone's ego is showing, which is one big hurdle for you. You think too highly of yourself. Your stories have a lot of plot and character issues, not to mention errors in your presentation which you show little care for changing.

Face it, you're just butthurt over the fact I am raining on your parade. And I have just realized something:

You cannot be a good writer because you have barely written anything. All your attempts were abandoned without so much as even a single chapter (All of which were also pretty much the same in everyway. Same characters, same word, same attempts to push how great they are)... thus you cannot even call yourself a writer. All you have are wreckages of attempts to write the same thing.

At least I have been able to see a story through this far (with no intention of stopping). Do not even think of implying yourself to be good, because you've never even gone far enough to see.

Maybe you should stop commenting on grammar when you give criticism.

[TLSothe]

Maybe you should stop commenting on grammar when you give criticism.

You missed a comma he should have used and didn't.

But, eh. I will say, though, some of Shuuda's 'errors' are most certainly due to him being British, and nothing more.

[Shuuda]

Maybe you should stop commenting on grammar when you give criticism.

Oh please. The fact that I make one or two errors in a quickly written post does in no way invalidate the contents of it (which is clearly what you are trying to do, since you have nothing that rebukes the contents of the post).

Oh, and in regards to the word "realised" versus "realized".

-ise, -ize

American spelling accepts only -ize endings in most cases, such as organize, recognize, and realize. British usage accepts both -ize and the more French-looking -ise (organise, recognise, realise).

Though I do believe that I had already pointed this out in the past. In the future, please pay attention. But, more importantly, do not waste my time with fallacy.

Edited January 13, 2009 by Man of the Year!

[Malexis]

I figured you were spelling in British English for that one, but I wasn't quite sure. Sorry. I wasn't trying to invalidate the contents of your message though, Shuuda. I actually agree with what you're saying (mostly)

[Shuuda]

Update (17/02/09):

- Chapter Nine added.

-Chapters One to Six have all been edited. Mainly changes to dialogue grammar. The remaining chapters (seven and eight) will be edited to match soon as possible.

Edited February 17, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

Chapter Nine: Desunus' Rise.

“You've got a visitor. Do you want to speak with them?”

--him or her is the way to go here, them refers to several

“Did you forget what you promised?!”

--Over usage of your ?! Seriously, a ? is all you need.

“There was someone in trouble, I was just-”

--"I was just..."

“Don't say things like that. Get some rest and I'll see if I can get you out,” Gerald left without waiting for a reply. Henrietta laid down on the bench and comforted herself.

--How did she comfort herself? By feeling sorry for herself, etc? How? Do show.

Upstairs from the cells, a guard was hanging a set of keys upon the hall. Galvin was sat on a wooden stair in the corner, folded up neatly. At table on the other side of the room were the two men whom had threatened Galvin before. The pair were silent, but they both kept a close eye on Galvin. When Gerald entered, everybody turned their attention to him.

--Galvin sat

--folded up neatly? This makes no sense.

--At table? At a table is what you want.

“Our problem? She debility defied the law, she belongs to be locked up,” one of the taxmen rebuked.

--Do you mean deliberately? Because debility means to be weak, feeble, etc.

“Oh c'mon! It's just a small scrap. I bet you're not even hurt.” Gerald came closer to the men. He started checking their faces for cuts and bruises. “Being beaten up by a girl! You lot are the worse set of brutes I ever met.”

--"Getting beaten" makes more sense.

“Is there a point to this?” the lone guard asked. “Sirs Aaron and Ethan are both mercenaries in service of the Department of Funding. They members of the local guild and had permits to use force if necessary.”

--They members...? The right way is: They are members...

“Alright alright,” Gerald sighed, “what do I have to do to get her out?”

--Use a comma after the first alright.

“If we are given certain details, we can realise her temporally for a price.”

--It's release, not realise.

“Well, unless census records on her can be provided, it won't happen.” The guard took a glance of Gerald's bag, it was surprisingly small to him. “I am afraid that even if details could be provided, the likely amount you have there will not be enough.”

--The guard took a glance at...not of.

--And it seemed surprisingly small works better but whatever.

“I... was just thinking,” Galvin trembled in the corner. Though his voice was quiet, everyone hug on his every word. “I'll turn myself in, just don't get these others involved.”

--Everyone hug? Or everyone hung?

“Don't try to to bargain with the law now Mister Galvin!” Aaron shouted.

--Oh yeah, funny of him to say that when one of the guards already took action to the contrary by watching his bag.

“Now isn't that funny?” Gerald jested. “But really, just let her go; it's getting late.”

“You know the rules now!” the guard would hear no more of his moaning. “Now will please leave; your visiting time is now over.” He pointed to an open door at the opposite side of the room from the stairs. Gerald rubbed his eyes and sighed. Aaron and Ethan stared at him with smirks on their faces.

--Now will you please leave, you mean.

“I'll be back, just you wait!” he stormed out of the building, mumbling foul words and slamming the door. Outside, Gerald leaned against the stone wall of the tower. He stroked his beard for sometime, watching the setting sun; the clouds were lined with ripples of pink. The tower he was at was not far from the gates, and much time had passed since he first came. He looked up the mount and the other two levels of the city, waiting for the others to return.

--some time

~

From the window of his small cosy inn room, Kalegar had a view of the city below and the ocean in the distance. The inn stood on the second level of the Mount facing south west, only a strip of pathway separated the building from the slope down to the base. It was mid evening and the sun was setting in the west behind the hilltops and trees. Lanterns around the city were being lit up by a lone guardsmen.

He was not alone in the room. In the white bed slept his young master. Though she was not asleep at all; she simply hid under the blanket and stayed still. Kalegar watched out the window; the street was empty, and from what he could see the base level was peaceful.

Just as Kalegar was about to relax, he saw something in the corner of his eye made him sweat. At the end of the street, where the road turned off down the slope, he saw Varon traversing up the pathway. Kaleger back away from the window, and reached to dowse out the lantern on the table. Once the room descended into darkness, Kalegar crept back to the window, checking where Varon was heading. When he directed his eye down the street, Varon was nowhere to be found.

--add the word that between eye and made.

--Backed away from the window

“Who is it Rai?” Yenallesa sat up in bed.

“It's your uncle.” At the mention of him, Yenallesa held the blanket tight. “But don't worry Your Highness, I have a plan just in-” Kalegar stopped when he heard a sound, a creek and a quiet thud: footsteps approaching. The pair could not even breathe as the unseen figure grew closer with each step. There were two loud knocks on the door.

--Lol grew closer? You mean to say came nearer with every step.

“No! You must be mistaken.” The footsteps went away. They sighed in relief before continuing their conversation. “As I was saying: if he is looking for us, then we'll have to leave as soon as possible. There are temporary houses being set up near the city where we could hide out. We just need to get there without being seen.”

--No need for the usage of : a comma would suffice.

“That sounds alright.” Yenallesa got out of bed, wearing a white nightgown. She went to put on her red robes the other room.

--She went to put on her red robes in the other room.

“You wish to leave now Your Highness?” Yenallesa nodded her head, packing her gown into a bag. They left the room, travelling down a set of narrow stairs. Outside they found themselves on the stone path, with only a railing on the other side.

It was early in the night, and the moon had not fully risen yet. The pair turned right from the inn, pacing their steps. The streets were empty, and an unease crept up their backs. Yenallesa looked over the railing; there was no movement to be sighted below.

--what is an unease? Do you mean to say: an uneasy feeling crept...

--sighted? You mean to say: to be seen below.

“Please stay silent Your Highness,” Kalegar kept his voice down. “I've heard stories, but don't concern yourself with such trivial matters.” They moved on, keeping an eye over their shoulders. They saw nothing behind them; but as the moon shone rays of silver they felt a presents watching them. They quickened their stride, fearing to even breathe too loud. They reached a point where the path forked up and down the Mount.

--shoulder, not shoulders, since you are referring to one one and not two. If you would of said their eyes, then yes.

--presence, not presents.

Just as they were about to take the descending path, the wind picked up, and the pair were blinded by a gale. They looked forward again when the wind had slowed down. Varon stood before them, his face had a glare icier than the frozen wastes. There was a still silence between both sides; the lights of the street lanterns danced. Varon took a deep breath before reaching his hand out.

--I liked this part.

“Hand her over,” he commanded. But neither Kalegar or Yenallesa responded. When Varon took a step forward, they took a step back. This continued for five more paces before Varon came to a halt. “Both of you know that running will be fruitless. And you know that justice is inescapable; one way or the other. I will not ask this again: hand her over.”

“And... what will you do?” Yenallesa chirped.

--Is she a bird? Yenallesa chirped? Under the current situation, I'd assume the narrator would show a better choice of words, the grim situation demands you use something else, not something which goes to tell the reader nothing bad is happening. Chirped just sounds too colorful in such situation, it mostly says that the character is feeling calm, eased...

“Do not worry. We shall simply do whatever can be done to cure your illness. You are the mastermind behind this treason; am I wrong?”

“No! No! It's not treason,” she flustered.

“Do not even be so foolish as you say you realise what you've done.”

--As to say...

“But my father, he wishes to take control on the sacred area of Cerldanil.” She clenched her hands.

“Your point?” Varon sighed.

“Cerldanil is land that no one should have possession of!” Yenallesa franticly shook her head.

--I don't know, but I think it's frantically is the way you spell it. XD

“An island where a Saint was born is still just an island. I have known about His Majesties plans for while; though I do wonder where you learnt this from,” he paused. Varon took a moment to inspect Yenallesa's shocked reaction. “His Majesty is doing only what is needed to ensure our safety: Cerldanil will be of great use in protect our people if war were to happen. But this is not important now; perhaps once you accept your fate you'll tell me your reason for being here.”

--Again, you over use : and ;, you don't need that there.

“This is a funny site indeed,” said a man's voice, coming from behind Varon. They turned to face the mystery man; who turned out only to be Morgan, alone and grinning.

--How could it be a mystery man if they know who he is? Don't they recognized the voice? And again, your use of ; is driving me nuts now.

“Enough! Do have no desire to be seen with the Order of Gearad,” Varon's tone was sharp. He turned to Kalegar. “Sir Kalegar, you will take her to the north city gates. And know that if you are not there went I return, you will surely regret.” Kalegar took heed, taking Yenallesa under his arm and backing away from the scene.

--Do have no desire... It is best if you start off with it like this: I do have...

--Went is when.

--regret it, not just regret.

Varon and Morgan came together, one step at a time. The two finally stood face to face, they stare deep into each others visage. After a short passage of time the two embraced with friendly arms. Both laughed and cheered. They soon realised each other, still chuckling.

--Stared

--other's

--After a short passage of time sounds familiar, I think I wrote something similar...

--The last part makes no sense to me...They realises each other. What did they realised?

“This I can't believe!” Morgan slapped his hand on Varon's shoulder.

“It's been a long time, not since you and Cecilia's-” he came to an abrupt halt, “I... I didn't mean to-”

--Don't use - when trailing off phrases, instead, use: ... - Is just used when someone abruptly interupts a convo or to input something in between what's going to be a long sentence with many commas, etc.

“Don't be sorry. She was a fine lady, it's can only happy to speak of her.” Morgan laughed, though Varon was still weary.

--"it's can only be happy to speak of her." I don't get anything of what this guy said.

“I need to do some reading on Pelior constructs and Muenmiasma,” Morgan answered. Varon raised his eye brow, but Morgan just smiled innocently.

--Raised an eyebrow, since he's got two, not one. ^^ Think about it.

They travelled together, descending on a stone staircase down the Mount. On their left down the stairs, was a row of pole lanterns; flickering as the sky grew darker. There was no rail to hold on to, and many of the steps were covered with a slimy water. Once they had reached the base level of the city, they took a minutes rest.

--A slimy water, eh? Do you mean to say a slimy substance? Thought so. ^^

Sat in the corner of the room was Morgan's pet. She was playing a blanket; quickly covering and uncovering herself. Her naked boded emitted a white glow; Varon could barely make out her figure. As he tried to make his way towards her, the girl giggled and waved her left hand franticly.

--Sitting in the corner. And, she was playing with a blanket, not playing a blanket. lol

“Well what are we waiting for?” With Morgan's go ahead, Varon drew out his sword and slashed at the girls right arm. Even though she did not even attempt to dodge his attack, the odd girl was unharmed; the sword only pressed against her skin. “Are you mad!” Morgan pleaded. Varon ignored him, withdrawing his sword. Out of a pouch on his belt, Varon brought out an inkwell. He dipped his left index finger in the ink, and started drawing square patterns around the blade of his sword. From tip to hilt, his blade was covered in black lines. Varon then whispered an incantation.

--Your usage of ; is now taxing.

There was not a drop of blood spilt. Instead, a thick, black ooze could be seen inside both cut ends . Varon scooped the arm off the floor and inspected it; the oil like ooze was swirling around. Four tendrils of the substance rose out from the arm, each trying to reach the body. Varon clutched the ropes of oil and squeezed them together. The girl gasped in agony; leaping from the blanket. With her other arm, she pinned Varon against the wall.

--*Shakes head*... Too much usage of ;

“Stop this madness!” Morgan yelled, snatching the severed arm from Varon's hand. He offered it to appease the girl; who indeed took her limb back and held it in place. The two men stared as the glowing skin sewed itself back together. Once she had returned to one piece, the girl moved back into the corner with the blanket; any trace of her outburst had vanished.

--Someone tell this guy that he does not need to use ; in every darn sentence.

“You wouldn't happened to have a name for this thing?” Varon's breath was heavy.

“Oh, a name?” Morgan wondered, stroking the back of his head. “Amber!”

“But in order to hand that scroll down to a mortal, she would have had to make physical contact with someone; but according to what I've heard, her deal with Etustir forbids that.”

--Rolls eyes at ;

“I never said that old friends could not join me,” Varon surrendered. Morgan lit up with joy.

~

“Oh sh... shhh... shut up.” Markus collapsed to his knees. “We're nearly there... in fact, it's right over there,” he pointed to a build on the right side of the road. It was the same which he and Lirina had visited earlier. Markus stood back up, taking deep breaths. “You just wait here.”

--building

“Perhaps I could give them a good talking to,” Elissa said in a sweetly voice, resting her chin on Markus' shoulder.

--Elissa said in a sweet voice, not sweetly. ^^

“Don't even think about it!” the right guard yelled. “In those clothes, it's pretty obvious your a Northerner. Maybe there's someone else you can pull some treachery on; but will just arrest you anyway.”

-- rolleyes

“Enough of this! Just move!” Markus shouted, shrugging Elissa off.

“If you don't want to die, you'll come with me.” Elissa prodded them both with the blade point. She turned to Markus. “I'll take these two away, and make sure their bound up.” She began to lead the two guardsmen away.

--they're, not their

“Thank you.” Markus smiled. Elissa froze. Looking back; her face was blank.

--rolleyes

Markus entered the building, keeping his sword low. In the forking hallways, he encountered many men and women dressed in fine clothing. They travelling in twos and threes, discussing the latest policies. Following the signs, he searched for meeting rooms. Eventually, he could hear the voice of his mother, coming from behind a pair of large doors. He reached for the handles, but another pair of guards stopped him.

--They travelled

--First sentence I see that is written correctly without the usage of your so many ;

“Goodness sake, is there a door here that doesn't take an hour to get through?” Markus stroked his face with his hand, relieving the stress. More voices could be heard behind the door. He could not make out any words, but they seemed to be yelling in anger. The voiced died down, and a shuffling of chairs came. After a few more minutes, the doors opened. Lirina exited alone.

--The voices died down.

“Mother, they rejected us?!” Markus dropped his sword, rushing to comfort her. “Do not worry, it's only natural those backstabber's would be against us.”

--backstabbers

“They'll take forever to decided!”

--decide

“I suppose that could work. But you should go ahead, I'll gather the the other two.” Markus signalled to a the nearest guard to approach. “My mother requires an escort.”

--You don't need the a there

“No need to say anything more.” The guard bowed. “Come with my My Lady: we shall find proper assistance.”

--Lol it's come with me, not my. XD

Once they were outside, the guard lead Lirina further up the mount. Markus stayed around for a while, wandering and waiting. After a shot period, Elissa appeared from the shadows of the alleys on the opposite side of the street.

--a shot period? Short is what you want, but we already know that, right?

After a trip down the city, Markus eventually reached the meeting place at the west gates. He looked around: finding Gerald, still leaning by the nearby tower. As Markus ran up to him, he could see that Gerald's eyes were half closed. Markus had to clap three times before he was able to bring him back.

“There has been a change of plans: we'll be staying in the city tonight.” Markus glanced around again. “Will your better half be joining us?”

*rolleyes*

“Trouble with law? Did think she had in her?” Markus laughed, slapping Gerald's arm. He was knocked away with one great push; Gerald face looked furious. “What was that for? It was just a joke.”

--Trouble with the law?

--Did think she had in her? lol what?

“Forgive me, but I don't feel like laughing about it,” sighed Gerald. “Shall we go now; there's no point waiting here.” He wandered away, not caring about where he was meant to be going. Markus chased him, giving Gerald a nudge in the right direction. “On second thought: I'll go back to the camp.”

--You should use more action words than just sighed...*sighs* I've seen like twenty already...Is this all your action your characters do?

“I'll be leaving anyway; I didn't plan on staying here too long.” Gerald turned on his heel and headed for the city gate. “Don't worry Mister Markus, I'll be fine.” Markus stopped following him, knowing he could sway Gerald's large body. He sighed, irritated by the waste of time.

--You don't need ; there. Come off clean with the sentence.

On his way back, Markus was sighted by another man.

“You like it? Just a little something a friend lent to me.” Morgan petted the horse's neck, stroking it's mane. Markus approached the cart, keeping a suspecting eye on Morgan.

--suspicious eye. XD Do I have to do everything for ya? XD

“I was just joking; I've heard about and the Order of Gearad,” Markus scoffed. “So what are really up to?”

--You lack good usage of words...you are missing it and you here...Geez.

“You could say I'm doing a bit smuggling.”

*rolleyes* of. By leaving out words, your sentences make not sense.

“What if I told you something you'd really want to head?”

--Hahahaha. Head? hear?

“Do you know of a place called Velunir?” Morgan clasped his hands,warming them up.

--space to separate hands,warming

“Of course: it's an ancient settlement where Norfer, Searan and Garollen meet,” Markus answered, becoming bored with the ongoing talk. For a still moment, Morgan said nothing. Markus yawned.

--there you go again, using your : No need for it. Leave it out next time, on every sentence.

“I did what you asked: stop them from bothering you for as long as possible. If I didn't, then they'd break free eventually and come after us.” Markus grabbed hold of her, trying desperately to hide the bloodied sword. “Besides, it's their fault. If they didn't want to invoke your wrath, they wouldn't have been in your way.”

--rolleyes--

“'Cause I thought it was a good idea. You didn't seem so bothered about it with that Jaeri person.” Markus let go of her, turning back towards Morgan. He had vanished. Markus was was infuriated: yelling for Morgan to return. “Forget it Markus, he's gone,” Elissa was inattentive in her reply. Markus shook her around again.

--rolleyes-- You must know by now that : is not required here.

“No, I was listening to you.” The answer only cause Markus to grip her harder.

--caused

~

Markus had made his way half up the mount. It was close to midnight, and the full moon shone down upon him. A group of guardsmen were patrolling the area. It appears as though they were searching for someone. Markus was unnerved by them, but he decided to approach one of them.

“Excuse me there,” he said, “do you know here I might find the council accommodations?”

“It's near the top. Just keep going up, and you should see a sign.”

On that direction, Markus continued up the road. He found his destination near to the top of the mount: A wide building with many rows of windows. Inside the building was a reception area, with smooth, polished wood from floor to ceiling; though Markus was too preoccupied to notice. His eyes were still strained from the blinding light he encountered earlier.

--rolleyes--

“Forgive me mother: it would seem I wasted my time.”

--rolleyes--

“Don't concern yourself about them.” Markus stayed laid down on the bed.

--remained laid fits this better, but yeah, knowing your ego, I expect you not to comply.

“Well, one them at the camp is always giving me a most vile glare. The woman with them is a bit suspicious don't you think?”

--one of them, forgot the: of

~

At the northern gate of the city, Morgan lead his cart to the small group ahead. Varon was the first to greet him: asking what took him so long, with the threat of leaving early. Morgan scratched the back of his head and guffawed.

“Sorry old friend: I ran into a spot of trouble, that's all.” Morgan glanced behind Varon, introducing himself to his other new companions. Yenallesa, who was still bound by a spell. Her face was slumped in a hopeless scowl. Kalegar kept hold of her, positioning her upright.

“Please to meet you too, Your Highness.” Morgan waved to them. “So, shall we be heading off now?”

--pleased

“I need to collect something elsewhere before we go to Vinceles and-” Varon was interrupted by a shuffling in the cart. “I hope you don't intend to keep in there for the whole trip.” Morgan twiddled his fingers and averted his eyes. “Your folly will the death of me,” Varon groaned.

--be the death of me

“It's just 'til the moon sets. Trust me.”

--The moon sets? XD

“I think that Lord Helgrane.”

--that's or that is

Too much usage of : and ;

*shakes head* and too many typos and left out words, the latter making some sentences or phrases not incomprehensible.

Aside from that, your characters sigh too much, even this small problem can be fixed by using simple words such as said, spoke, etc. If you have the appropiate word for how the character is speaking, use it, if not, just replace it with the simple friend: said.

[Agro]

Loki, you realise that many your "corrections" are incorrect, right? I'll show you why:

“You've got a visitor. Do you want to speak with them?”

--him or her is the way to go here, them refers to several

Not necessarily, "them" refers to someone whose gender has not been denoted, in the same way "are" refers to "you".

“There was someone in trouble, I was just-”

--"I was just..."

No, the hyphen indicates an abrupt end, while an ellipse (...) indicates them trailing off. Wrong again.

“Don't say things like that. Get some rest and I'll see if I can get you out,” Gerald left without waiting for a reply. Henrietta laid down on the bench and comforted herself.

--How did she comfort herself? By feeling sorry for herself, etc? How? Do show.

This is you and your "the reader must know" approach. How do [/b]you[/b] comfort yourself? You tell yourself it okay, maybe? Breathe deeply? Some things are implied, and better left to the imagination of the reader.

--folded up neatly? This makes no sense.

Yeah it does.

“Oh c'mon! It's just a small scrap. I bet you're not even hurt.” Gerald came closer to the men. He started checking their faces for cuts and bruises. “Being beaten up by a girl! You lot are the worse set of brutes I ever met.”

--"Getting beaten" makes more sense.

In terms of dialogue, things don't have to make perfect sense all the time.

“It's your uncle.” At the mention of him, Yenallesa held the blanket tight. “But don't worry Your Highness, I have a plan just in-” Kalegar stopped when he heard a sound, a creek and a quiet thud: footsteps approaching. The pair could not even breathe as the unseen figure grew closer with each step. There were two loud knocks on the door.

--Lol grew closer? You mean to say came nearer with every step.

"Grew closer" makes sense.

“No! You must be mistaken.” The footsteps went away. They sighed in relief before continuing their conversation. “As I was saying: if he is looking for us, then we'll have to leave as soon as possible. There are temporary houses being set up near the city where we could hide out. We just need to get there without being seen.”

--No need for the usage of : a comma would suffice.

What was the point of saying this? Both make sense.

It was early in the night, and the moon had not fully risen yet. The pair turned right from the inn, pacing their steps. The streets were empty, and an unease crept up their backs. Yenallesa looked over the railing; there was no movement to be sighted below.

--what is an unease? Do you mean to say: an uneasy feeling crept...

--sighted? You mean to say: to be seen below.

"sighted" makes sense.

“Please stay silent Your Highness,” Kalegar kept his voice down. “I've heard stories, but don't concern yourself with such trivial matters.” They moved on, keeping an eye over their shoulders. They saw nothing behind them; but as the moon shone rays of silver they felt a presents watching them. They quickened their stride, fearing to even breathe too loud. They reached a point where the path forked up and down the Mount.

--shoulder, not shoulders, since you are referring to one one and not two. If you would of said their eyes, then yes.

--presence, not presents.

"shoulders" is correct, meaning they were looking over both. It says "they", therefore "shoulders" is almost needed. Besides, who only looks one way over their shoulder? Wouldn't you look both?

“Hand her over,” he commanded. But neither Kalegar or Yenallesa responded. When Varon took a step forward, they took a step back. This continued for five more paces before Varon came to a halt. “Both of you know that running will be fruitless. And you know that justice is inescapable; one way or the other. I will not ask this again: hand her over.”

“And... what will you do?” Yenallesa chirped.

--Is she a bird? Yenallesa chirped? Under the current situation, I'd assume the narrator would show a better choice of words, the grim situation demands you use something else, not something which goes to tell the reader nothing bad is happening. Chirped just sounds too colorful in such situation, it mostly says that the character is feeling calm, eased...

"Chirped" simply says it's louder than usual.

“An island where a Saint was born is still just an island. I have known about His Majesties plans for while; though I do wonder where you learnt this from,” he paused. Varon took a moment to inspect Yenallesa's shocked reaction. “His Majesty is doing only what is needed to ensure our safety: Cerldanil will be of great use in protect our people if war were to happen. But this is not important now; perhaps once you accept your fate you'll tell me your reason for being here.”

--Again, you over use : and ;, you don't need that there.

The character is alternating tones; therefore the use of a comma is inappropriate.

“Enough! Do have no desire to be seen with the Order of Gearad,” Varon's tone was sharp. He turned to Kalegar. “Sir Kalegar, you will take her to the north city gates. And know that if you are not there went I return, you will surely regret.” Kalegar took heed, taking Yenallesa under his arm and backing away from the scene.

--Do have no desire... It is best if you start off with it like this: I do have...

--Went is when.

--regret it, not just regret.

"Regret" is a standalone verb.

“This I can't believe!” Morgan slapped his hand on Varon's shoulder.

“It's been a long time, not since you and Cecilia's-” he came to an abrupt halt, “I... I didn't mean to-”

--Don't use - when trailing off phrases, instead, use: ... - Is just used when someone abruptly interupts a convo or to input something in between what's going to be a long sentence with many commas, etc.

Exactly. He's not simply trailing off, he just stops.

“I need to do some reading on Pelior constructs and Muenmiasma,” Morgan answered. Varon raised his eye brow, but Morgan just smiled innocently.

--Raised an eyebrow, since he's got two, not one. ^^ Think about it.

It says "raised his eyebrow", not "raised his eyebrows".

They travelled together, descending on a stone staircase down the Mount. On their left down the stairs, was a row of pole lanterns; flickering as the sky grew darker. There was no rail to hold on to, and many of the steps were covered with a slimy water. Once they had reached the base level of the city, they took a minutes rest.

--A slimy water, eh? Do you mean to say a slimy substance? Thought so. ^^

"A slimy water" works.

“Perhaps I could give them a good talking to,” Elissa said in a sweetly voice, resting her chin on Markus' shoulder.

--Elissa said in a sweet voice, not sweetly. ^^

"Sweetly" is grammatically correct as well. Look it up.

“You like it? Just a little something a friend lent to me.” Morgan petted the horse's neck, stroking it's mane. Markus approached the cart, keeping a suspecting eye on Morgan.

--suspicious eye. XD Do I have to do everything for ya? XD

"Suspecting eye" is as grammatically correct as "a sweetly voice".

“It's just 'til the moon sets. Trust me.”

--The moon sets? XD

The moon "moves" across the sky in real life. Didn't you know?

I find, Loki, that you are doing this out of spite rather than to truly help Shuuda. Sure there are typos, but editors exist for that reason, and if you seriously needed help filling in the blanks, go back and learn English again. In fact, go back and learn English again. Most people will fix your (not YOU, but "you" in general) story for helping with sentence structure and grammar rather than typos.

Edited February 19, 2009 by Lachesis

[Shuuda]

--him or her is the way to go here, them refers to several

Dialect.

--Over usage of your ?! Seriously, a ? is all you need.

Proof please, since we have already debated this. Please cite any source that says that "?!" is unacceptable.

--"I was just..."

"-" is being used to indicate an abrupt interruption. "..." implies a pauses, but there is not one.

--How did she comfort herself? By feeling sorry for herself, etc? How? Do show.

Use your imagination.

--folded up neatly? This makes no sense.

I think you are taking it too literally.

--"Getting beaten" makes more sense.

Dialect again.

--Oh yeah, funny of him to say that when one of the guards already took action to the contrary by watching his bag.

I guess you did not understand why I put in that “Now isn't that funny?” Gerald was pointing out the hypocrisy.

--shoulder, not shoulders, since you are referring to one one and not two.

Actually, I am referring to two shoulders, since both characters are doing it.

--How could it be a mystery man if they know who he is? Don't they recognized the voice? And again, your use of ; is driving me nuts now.

Well, two of the characters have never meet him in person, and the other has not seen him in ages.

--regret it, not just regret.

Regret is fine. And dialect again.

--Don't use - when trailing off phrases,

Again, he was not trailing off; he was coming to an abrupt halt.

--"it's can only be happy to speak of her." I don't get anything of what this guy said.

Dialect. And I think the overall statement is pretty clear.

--You lack good usage of words...you are missing it and you here...Geez.

but yeah, knowing your ego, I expect you not to comply.

Now now, let's leave out the personal attacks.

--The moon sets? XD

Yes, just like the sun is described as setting. Care to explain what is wrong?

----------------------

Anything not responded to has been fixed. Thank you.

Edited February 19, 2009 by Shuuda

[Bohemund]

I only looked through that huge text wall Loki produced and noticed your use of the colon. Not often do you see it used (O.K. I've actually never seen it used in writing).

“'Cause I thought it was a good idea. You didn't seem so bothered about it with that Jaeri person.” Markus let go of her, turning back towards Morgan. He had vanished. Markus was was infuriated: yelling for Morgan to return. “Forget it Markus, he's gone,” Elissa was inattentive in her reply. Markus shook her around again.

--rolleyes-- You must know by now that : is not required here.

Like he said: this use isn't correct. The part after the colon isn't a complete sentence, nor does it explain anything; thus a comma should take the colon's place. You also repeated the word "was" twice.

“I'll be leaving anyway; I didn't plan on staying here too long.” Gerald turned on his heel and headed for the city gate. “Don't worry Mister Markus, I'll be fine.” Markus stopped following him, knowing he could sway Gerald's large body. He sighed, irritated by the waste of time.

--You don't need ; there. Come off clean with the sentence

Contrary to what he says this time, this correction would be unnecessary.

I'd go on with different things, but I didn't actually read your story. If you'd like me to, just send me a message saying so. I would much rather go on when I know my opinion is wanted.

Edited February 19, 2009 by Bohemund

[Shuuda]

I'd go on with different things, but I didn't actually read your story. If you'd like me to, just send me a message saying so. I would much rather go on when I know my opinion is wanted.

Does it really matter if I want your opinion or not? I'm not some ignorant fool who tells people whether they can talk about my work or not.

Of course I would like you to read it. Why else would I have posted the story if I did not want others to read it?

Edited February 19, 2009 by Shuuda

[Bohemund]

Quite often I've spoke upon deaf ears, so I figured to ask first. Simple as that.

As for your last question: so you may flame them and exclaim your mistakes are correct.

[Shuuda]

As for your last question: so you may flame them and exclaim your mistakes are correct.

Excuse me? Since when was I flaming anyone here? I am allowed to argue in my defense you know. Just because I let people criticize my work, it does not mean that I cannot disagree with things they say, or that I have to take it all for face value.

As Lachesis pointed out as well, many of Loki's criticisms are questionable.

[Deity]

Quite often I've spoke upon deaf ears, so I figured to ask first. Simple as that.

As for your last question: so you may flame them and exclaim your mistakes are correct.

Oh, pwned.

Admit it, Shuuda, you like criticizing others, but when it comes to taking criticism back, you are just to stubborn to realize you need help. All your work is great...no, it's not even close. Lachesis just came to your defense.

Admit it, you have alot of work to do. You forgot to input words, you have too much problems when it comes to proper grammar, your over use of the semicolon is taxing, and certainly your characters get boring when they over repeat the same action word over and over.

Excuse me? Since when was I flaming anyone here? I am allowed to argue in my defense you know. Just because I let people criticize my work, it does not mean that I cannot disagree with things they say, or that I have to take it all for face value.

As Lachesis pointed out as well, many of Loki's criticisms are questionable.

They are not questionable, Lachesis just came to your defense to sweeten things up.

And you have flamed me by calling me ingnorant and whatnot. But fret not, it's not the first time you say something flammative.

Good luck with all the editing.

[Shuuda]

but when it comes to taking criticism back, you are just to stubborn to realize you need help.

I believe you need to look in the mirror more often. I have never once claimed to never need help with fixing errors. I even make changes to my work based on their comments. You see, unlike you, I do not go around claiming to be a brilliant writer. So when I make mistakes, I do not look so retarded. It is very obvious to anyone reading this that you enjoy getting shots on my pride; but you're really not doing anything other than work for me.

Did you even read your own posts in the "Raid" feedback thread... namely the post where you stated you did not need feedback? Would you like me to find it for you myself, just in case you cannot find it? Jeez...

Lachesis just came to your defence.

Funny how nobody ever comes to side with you. I was more than capable of defending myself, but if both Lachesis and I spotted mistakes in your comments, then maybe that says something. I also noted how funny it is that you avoid confronting what Lachesis said... is he too intelligent for you to handle?

They are not questionable, Lachesis just came to your defence to sweeten things up.

If your comments were unquestionable, then how did Lachesis and I question them? We both pointed out pretty much the same things, and you have yet to justify any of it.

And you have flamed me by calling me ingnorant (ignorant) and whatnot.

I never specified you personally. But yes, I believe that people who promote censorship on people's opinion to art are ignorant. Prove me wrong if you want. Besides, it is not flaming if it is a fact.

As Lachesis pointed out, your spiteful intention is glaringly obvious.

you have too much problems when it comes to proper grammar

You mean: "you have too many problems when it comes to proper grammar," right?

Good luck with all the editing.

Edited version of chapter nine is already up. But thanks anyway.

Edited February 19, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

I believe you need to look in the mirror more often. I have never once claimed to never need help with fixing errors. I even make changes to my work based on their comments. You see, unlike you, I do not go around claiming to be a brilliant writer. So when I make mistakes, I do not look so retarded. It is very obvious to anyone reading this that you enjoy getting shots on my pride; but you're really not doing anything other than work for me.

--I wouldn't call it work, more like pointing out your mistakes. Mistakes that you keep making over and over despite people telling you in several forums what your problem is. You don't seem to be very bright, you don't look like you are making improvements.

Funny how nobody ever comes to side with you. I was more than capable of defending myself, but if both Lachesis and I spotted mistakes in your comments, then maybe that says something. I also noted how funny it is that you avoid confronting what Lachesis said... is he too intelligent for you to handle?

--I don't care about what Lachesis says, this matter is with the writer of the story; you, who desperately needs help...and a bunch of it at that. And, I don't need to hide behind the aid of others

You like going into my stories and pin pointing every little detail that you think needs help, so here I am too, take it like you said you could take it. More than arguing, maybe you should say something like: Ok, I admit many of those mistakes are my bad, I haven't improved one bit, I should go and edit that stuff

If your comments were unquestionable, then how did Lachesis and I question them? We both pointed out pretty much the same things, and you have yet to justify any of it.

--I don't need to justify anything. I pointed out what was wrong, it's up to you if you want to improve. From the looks of it, you don't. I believe that the next chapter you write will just bring about the same thing; over use of semicolons, problems with usage of commas, word selection, setencing structuring and character development.

I never specified you personally. But yes, I believe that people who promote censorship on people's opinion to art are ignorant. Prove me wrong if you want.

--So you admit you've been flaming me? No need to, I knew that from the very first time you went to give "feedback"

I detect people like you simply by reading what you post.

As Lachesis pointed out, your spiteful intention is glaringly obvious.

--spiteful my ass, I'm trying to correct your baby ways. Stop using semicolons all the time in nearly every godamn sentence you write. Before actually posting the chapter, why don't you go back over and check your writing? You forget to insert important words. I may have a little trouble with a few typos but at least I don't over use semicolons and you surely will never find a left out word that was vital to a sentence.

You mean: "you have too many problems when it comes to proper grammar," right?

Edited version of chapter nine is already up. But thanks anyway.

--Yeah, like you say: I'ts fine the way it is, or something like that.

Also, I bet that if I went back to reading the edited version I'd still find mistakes. But I wont, I have other stuff to do than to keep trying to get something through your thick little brain. You need help

!

Somebody help this guy already.

Edited February 19, 2009 by Löki

[Bohemund]

Excuse me? Since when was I flaming anyone here? I am allowed to argue in my defense you know. Just because I let people criticize my work, it does not mean that I cannot disagree with things they say, or that I have to take it all for face value.

As Lachesis pointed out as well, many of Loki's criticisms are questionable.

Calm down, it was just a joke. I figured you'd catch the reference.

“'Cause I thought it was a good idea. You didn't seem so bothered about it with that Jaeri person.” Markus let go of her, turning back towards Morgan. He had vanished. Markus was was infuriated: yelling for Morgan to return. “Forget it Markus, he's gone,” Elissa was inattentive in her reply. Markus shook her around again.

I've changed my mind about this sentence. I really don't know anything about colons, but I realized the verb tense. If I am not mistaken, your story is told in present tense, no? Well, was is past tense; it'd be better replaced with grew or became. If I am wrong about that, then yelling would need to be made past tense.

Edited February 19, 2009 by Bohemund

[Shuuda]

Lachesis and I have already given clear arguments as to why many of your comments are wrong. But since you prefer to taunt and provoke me instead of actually trying to argue with our points, your motive of revenge is obvious.

Please comeback when you can actually rebuke the points presented by Lachesis and I.

[Deity]

Another thing you can really improve on, Shuuda, is actually learning how to write a sentence. You show no variety, you start your sentences almost the same way all the time. If it's not by using a : right away after you say something, then you use a ; and you don't need that.

Also, you leave too many words out, which like I said tend to ruin sentences because those words are vital to it; to making the sentence clear and understandable.

I'd improve on that if I was having that kinda trouble.

Edited February 19, 2009 by Löki

[Florete]

Loki, just don't post here anymore. Get off your high horse and realize that it's time for you to stop.

[Shuuda]

Also, you leave too many words out, which like I said tend to ruin sentences because those words are vital to it; to making the sentence clear and understandable.

This has been fixed in the latest edit with what you pointed out. But feel free to point out some other examples.

I'd improve on that if I was having that kinda trouble.

I believe I pointed out the problems of sentence construction in the "Raid" feedback thread. So let's hope so.

[Deity]

Loki, just don't post here anymore. Get off your high horse and realize that it's time for you to stop.

Oh yeah, show me what I did wrong?

If I can't post feedback here, then I believe I have the rights to call off feedback for my stories as well. I did nothing wrong.