Feedback for Kiryn's random short stories

[Inactive Account]

Constructive criticism only please. Also, as multiple unrelated stories will be posted, please identify which one you're commenting on. Story topic here: http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=19100&pid=863920&st=0entry863920

Edited December 21, 2011 by Kiryn

[Nightmare]

Yeah uh...I read your things, but have no constructive criticism, so I don't post here. Just letting you know.

Also, you must have some weird McDonald's over there. All the ones I've ever been to have been pristine and very well maintained.

[eclipse]

On Kelas:

I'm not accustomed to seeing a writing style that's in the past than the present. The only "constructive" thing I can point out is this:

Amari, it turned out, was the answer to their prayers. Kelas didn't trust humans at all, but with a young animal to take care of, she began to come out of her shell a litle.

Spot the error.

You nearly made me cry. Nicely done!

[Inactive Account]

Bah I'm sneezing commas again, aren't I... or was it something else? *a bit fuzzy-brained today*

Also dang I don't remember where I put that head-asplode GIF but just pretend like it's here .////.

Edited December 22, 2011 by Kiryn

[Mercakete]

Mercritique:

"She wakes up and it hurts." Have to say, this as the opening made me laugh, mainly because it was so blunt and to-the-point that it reminded me of several mornings (which I used to call "mournings") when I had to get up early. The phrasing was a bit awkward as an opening, imo, so it was hard to take it seriously. Also, it was in present-tense. I'd recomend past-tense throughout the story, but I guess that's really up to you.

On the second section, first paragraph, my attention was caught much more easily than in the first. You explained how 2 separate parties in this world see things smoothly, too. Excellent.

The good, smooth writing continues through the second and third paragraphs. "Bandits, the man explained in halting Common," The "Bandits" almost seems like it should be in quotation marks. Either punctuation or rephrasing is reccomended. The rest of the paragraph had me sympathizing with the characters and the smooth writing continued.

The last paragraph is a good, simple one that concludes the section's events and leads into the next section.

Section 3 had that present-tense accounting again. It's a little odd to read at first, but one gets used to it. It shifts a bit in prospective, almost, at "It seems like it's only been a few minutes since Ma woke her up in the middle of the night by depositing Arrin in her lap and telling her to keep him quiet, she'll be back in a few minutes, just keep him from fussing too much-- only Ma doesn't come back, nor does Da, and the tent catches fire and she has to carry Arrin outside before it kills them." The whole thing just seems to weave between prospectives in-sentence.

However, this section also gives the reader a clear picture of Kelas' thoughts and feelings and she portrays what any of us would be thinking and doing in that situation. It's realistic and includes realistic crippling. Good work.

Section 4 had smooth writing.

In section 5, the transition is smooth, but this pert of the sentense: "but he'd never had to tell anyone anything that even close to this." was awkward. The "that" in there seems out-of-place. The rest of the section is smooth and somber and the reader can resonate well with the tribe chieftan. There is strength in the sorrow.

In section 6, I'm getting used to the tense changing with the prospective, though it's still a little odd. Time has gone on and the check in on Kelas reveals how she feels about the situation. This seems to be when she starts to become the Kelas I read about in the LoAF RP. Her feelings are translated to the reader well.

Section 7 is very much like section 6. Good job explaining th leader's hopelessness. Pity is felt for him.

Section 8 held more trajedy. Good writing, though the tense shifted again (Enough with talking about the tense-shift, Merc.) The part in parenthesis was a bit oddly-formatted, though, imo.

Section 9 was interesting and a refreshing prospective-change, though the steady line of time continues on.

In section 10, you wrote "Imeda says she's going to go back to her husband's old tribe, and does Kelas want to come with or should she take her somewhere else first?" The sentense is awkward, but the rest continues on as before. Their fatigue continues to be portrayed. In fact the entire piece so far portrays Kelas' feelings towards the world well: taking note of somewhat-significant pieces, but only in passing and a swimming mind remembering a stray thought. Dismal, defeated, but continuing on at a steady pace.

Section 11: The tense-shift is beginning to make sense. The feel it gives the writing can easily be described thusly: "separate" or "disconnected." This tense is almost like a narrative, with Kelas not even acknowledging the events as hers. Like someone from the outside passively observing another on the other side of some sort of glass wall. I've felt this way before, as I'm sure others have at some point. It's not exactly a numb sensation. It's more like a lack of substance. Interesting writing. And it's interesting to see how Kelas met Amari.

Section 12: A broader, clearer picture of what Kelas was going through rather than the foggy prospective Kelas has. It's heartwarming to know that Kelas began to recover so well when Amari joined her.

Section 13 is very hopeful. If this was a meal, I'd say the ending was refreshing, savory and satisfying. It's a good ending that draws it to a satisfying close but leaves room for more. Excellently written.

All in all: I really enjoyed this piece. It was long, but effective and brought out emotions in the reader towards the characters in the work. I feel I can connect to Kelas and Amari better now. Great job! It's be nice to read Arrin's backstory done like this, too, sometime. ^_^

Edited January 4, 2012 by Mercakete

[Inactive Account]

well that sure took me long enough, sorry bout that

CLIPSE i found the spelling derp

I suppose that's what I get for composing in Notepad at late hours of the night and having enough nonstandard names that I can miss the little red lines when they show up when I paste it into the post box in Chrome. FIX'D and I will pay more attention to the spellcheck next time.

Now then.

"She wakes up and it hurts." Have to say, this as the opening made me laugh, mainly because it was so blunt and to-the-point that it reminded me of several mornings (which I used to call "mournings") when I had to get up early. The phrasing was a bit awkward as an opening, imo, so it was hard to take it seriously. Also, it was in present-tense. I'd recomend past-tense throughout the story, but I guess that's really up to you.

I decided to go with present-tense because for me it usually makes it feel like the pace is faster, like a continuous succession of events instead of a dry recounting of things that have already happened. I was basically going for "she's hurt, she's delirious, oh gods it really hurts, and that's pretty much all there is to say on the matter", and to be honest I'm not really sure how I would have done that in past-tense. I dunno, it worked for me. It's not going to work for everyone, certainly, and if more people take issue with it I'll look into reworking it, but I'm okay with it for now.

The good, smooth writing continues through the second and third paragraphs. "Bandits, the man explained in halting Common," The "Bandits" almost seems like it should be in quotation marks. Either punctuation or rephrasing is reccomended.

I didn't want to nail down exactly what he said, so quote marks are right out. I could probably mess around with order inside the sentence if it's really that much of a bother.

It shifts a bit in prospective, almost, at "It seems like it's only been a few minutes since Ma woke her up in the middle of the night by depositing Arrin in her lap and telling her to keep him quiet, she'll be back in a few minutes, just keep him from fussing too much-- only Ma doesn't come back, nor does Da, and the tent catches fire and she has to carry Arrin outside before it kills them." The whole thing just seems to weave between prospectives in-sentence.

I think you mean "perspective", and chaotic is kind of the idea-- we have not yet seen Kelas completely lucid, at this point she's still groggy, in pain, and recalling the chaos that occurred shortly before she was injured. Is it unclear/hard to understand, or does it just come across as chaotic? I'll definitely fix actual clarity issues.

In section 5, the transition is smooth, but this pert of the sentense: "but he'd never had to tell anyone anything that even close to this." was awkward. The "that" in there seems out-of-place.

The "that" does belong but there was a word missing that made it awkward ("anything that even came close to this"). Thanks for catching that. It has now been fixed.

In section 6, I'm getting used to the tense changing with the prospective, though it's still a little odd. Time has gone on and the check in on Kelas reveals how she feels about the situation. This seems to be when she starts to become the Kelas I read about in the LoAF RP. Her feelings are translated to the reader well.

Haha, there are still crucial bits missing from this that I may or may not turn into a separate installment. Good to know it was effective though.

In section 10, you wrote "Imeda says she's going to go back to her husband's old tribe, and does Kelas want to come with or should she take her somewhere else first?" The sentense is awkward, but the rest continues on as before.

Probably comes across as awkward because there's a speech/thought pattern in the sentence that normally shows up only in dialogue, not in prose. It's another one of those sentences where I'm shifting speech from quote to paraphrase, and while obviously the thought pattern grammar is not technically correct, I think the act of shifting itself is not incorrect...? Anyone got a definitive answer on that?

Their fatigue continues to be portrayed. In fact the entire piece so far portrays Kelas' feelings towards the world well: taking note of somewhat-significant pieces, but only in passing and a swimming mind remembering a stray thought. Dismal, defeated, but continuing on at a steady pace.

Not sure what you mean by swimming?

Section 13 is very hopeful. If this was a meal, I'd say the ending was refreshing, savory and satisfying. It's a good ending that draws it to a satisfying close but leaves room for more. Excellently written.

All in all: I really enjoyed this piece. It was long, but effective and brought out emotions in the reader towards the characters in the work. I feel I can connect to Kelas and Amari better now. Great job! It's be nice to read Arrin's backstory done like this, too, sometime. ^_^

eheheheh I cut off before things got worse again... didn't feel like ending it on a depressing note... Anyway, thanks for all the feedback. Arrin's got one in progress at the moment, it'll turn up eventually.