Those meddling kids!

[eclipse]

I created this topic asking about character ages specifically for this run. Everyone else's age comes from here.

Horses belonging to knights of the various kingdoms shifted restlessly, as the investigation came to a close. Two figures were led away in chains. The darker-skinned figure stopped in his tracks, and turned to Marth. "I would have taken over the world, if not for you meddling kids!" The leader of said meddling kids waved curtly before loading everyone into the convoy, to face their next adventure.

Since there are a few characters who could go either way (and a couple that are WAY older than they look), I decided to go off of appearances alone (because Medeus wouldn't stop to ask for ages before stomping his opponents flat). This will be a Normal Mode run, because one of my characters can't be obtained in any other mode.

I'll try to preface each chapter with a blurb on what's happening. Due to the fact that this involves meddling kids, all the adults won't die; instead, they'll be locked in some alternate dimension for the rest of the game, never to return.

[spoiler=Chapter runs]P1: Marth got his first critical on his second hit, was beaten to a mere 4 HP, but somehow got his Skill and Speed up. This will make life easier for me in the next couple of chapters.

P2: Marth is now level 4, and has stolen Abel's growth patterns. By the time Marth hit level 4, the archers and soldiers couldn't do damage to him. Marth deserves a horse. Abel and Frey went down in a hail of arrows.

P3: Marth made it to level 7, and decided that he wanted to level like Cain for this map. Cain made excellent bait for most of the stuff on the map. Jagen will serve his purpose later.

P4: Recruited Gordin, used Jagen as the sacrifice (because it's the fastest way to off him), and got Daphne, er, Norne. Marth levelled quite a few things in the two levels he gained. Gordin somehow got three stats in one level up, but managed NOT to gain Strength and Speed. The real game begins now. May Yune help me. I'll need it.

C1: Marth wound up beating up most of the pirates, and gaining Strength and Skill in the process. Norne was fed a few kills, but gained all of four stats in three levels. Gordin pulled a miracle, and got five stats in one level. Caeda was bait, and didn't level. It took a lot of inaccurate shooting from my archers, but Gazzack went down to one of Norne's arrows, which somehow found its mark.

C2: Darros recruited himself, then sacrificed himself for the greater good. Castor whines about his mom a lot, so I decided to let him in (Medeus won't be able to tell the difference). Caeda managed to get a few kills on her own, and got Defense as her reward (...). Gordin and Norne tossed the Steel Bow back and forth as needed, and Norne FINALLY got her Strength up. Castor killed the boss, and didn't level (somehow).

C3: I had no intention of recruiting Navarre, or dealing with all his buddies. I parked Julian on the fort to buy time, while Lena made a mad dash towards Marth. Meanwhile, I mowed just about everyone that stood between the boss and my army down with Marth (everyone else helped finish stuff that Marth didn't kill). The boss went down to Marth and a Steel Sword. I managed to finish right as the thieves came into range of everyone else (so everyone gained a level, and Gordin did a Strength, Skill, and Speed level up).

C4: Reclassed Norne to Pegasus Knight and Lena to Mage. Forged a one-lighter Iron Lance for Norne.

I got a ton of generic units, and they waylaid the fighter group behind me, while everyone that's important took out the front lines. Lena killed off her brother, while Marth fed kills to everyone else. As her way of saying thanks, she gained HP twice in a row. The boss died to Lena and her sidekick archers.

C5: Reclassed Castor to Mercenary, so he'll gain some more Skill. Reclassed Gordin to Cavalier, because I need to move it on this map.

I used Marth to murder the starting Cavaliers, then baited the Pegasus Knight with Caeda. It took Caeda, Norne, and Castor to finish Wendell. Meanwhile, Hardin's group (minus Roshea) ran interference with the archers and knights to the west. They managed to delay them long enough for Marth to visit the village, then come back around and kick more butt. Merric and Lena both gained Magic, and Castor gained Strength, not Skill. Gordin did his job and gained Strength. A few more levels of that, and he'll do just fine.

C6: Reclassed Roshea into Archer, so he'll be useful.

Rickard looks like a kid and acts like one, so I recruited him. I had Gordin run down the corridors like Merric set his pants on fire, while Castor and Marth trailed behind. Caeda and Norne were also in front, but not so close that the archers could clip their wings. Castor survived the initial rush with 5 HP (stupid mage), Caeda and Wing Spear took out the Silver Lance jerk, and my mages ran over the knights. Every single thief died, and Roshea got his first level by sniping at them. From there, my generics became lures for the remaining enemies, and the boss went down in a Firestorm.

C6x: This chapter's prologue pretty much sums up the battle. The only hectic time was the initial pirate rush. Gordin and Castor walled off the enemy, and that was the end of it.

C7: Roshea had the time of his life smacking the units that flew. Caeda delivered Righteous Wing Spear Justice to the Ridersbane units. Minerva went down to Excalibur, generic units were bait, etc. Norne got the perfect zero level, while Roshea started gaining Strength and Speed. Merric is lagging behind Lena Magic-wise.

C8: Reclassed Castor to Pirate, for Strength growth.

Sent Caesar shopping, then off to his death. Used the arena to bump Radd up a couple of levels, and he thanked me by gaining Strength. Caeda also went in (she was extremely underleveled), and gained Strength twice. Castor fought a few rounds to up his Axe rank, and got Strength. The extra money didn't hurt, either! Due to a tactical error, I put Norne in range of one of the Horsemen. Radd managed to draw enough attention to himself such that everyone survived. The boss went down REALLY fast to the fury of Merric and Lena (he called her sweater ugly, and thought beans were the worst food in the world).

C9: Reclassed Castor to Mercenary (again). Get used to Castor's reclassing.

Catching the thief is much easier when there's flying units on the map. Gordin and Marth made a mad dash to catch the first thief, while Caeda flew even further to nab the second thief (after he opened the chest, of course). I left my generics on the starting isle, so the two Hand Axe pirates wouldn't bother me. Slowly worked my way to the boss, had Radd gain a few levels (he gained Strength, woo!), and had Lena do her thing after the boss called her sweater ugly. Gording got hit by a 19% Hammer (...), and the pirates decided that Marth was a better target than Castor.

C10: Had everyone charge down to the south, killed off the brat who tried to jack the Levin Sword, then baited the arrow guys into running to their deaths. Unfortunately, the Sniper was the only one that took the bait, so Gordin, Norne, and Radd (via Levin Sword) had to finish off the remaining Archers. The two waves of reinforcements normally don't give me problems, but I normally have a source of healing besides a single fort. Managed to extinguish everyone, with Radd at 1 HP and Merric at 3. Once everyone was healed, parked everyone of importance outside of Minerva's range, recruited Maria, then had Minerva eat Excalibur. Everything else died quickly after that. I have my first Master Seal, and if things continue like they are, it will go to Castor. Roshea is turning into a shotgun - 10 Strength and 7 Speed. Norne FINALLY got another Strength level, which means she can now use Iron Lances without a Speed penalty.

C11: Sniped off the fliers that wanted to see if Merric really hated them (he did), then stopped the thief from crashing Radd's stage debut. Linde and Rickard got a couple of levels in the Arena (Rickard really needed it, and Maria needed experience healing people). Since Maria gained a good amount of Resistance, she was put in range of Thunderbolt until it ran out. From there, I carefully baited both bow units with Gordin and his amazing defenses (10 + 1 on a fort), then slowly worked my way around the boss to Jake, so I could bring my fliers in. From there, Marth said hi to the boss, and that was the end of that. Linde isn't being very cooperative (no Magic or Speed in the first two levels).

C12: Linde and Norne took care of the initial thieves, while everyone else made their way to the large room south of the prison. It took a while for everyone but Tomas to die, but once they did, the guards followed the captors they had previously killed. Looks like I won't get Astram! Three mages against all those calvary was completely unfair, but this run isn't about being fair. Linde decided she'd gain Magic and Speed at level 6. Roshea is going down the shotgun route (gained Strength and Skill, and is extremely Speed screwed). Gordin finally got another Strength point. The boss went down to the Wifi shop (Roshea and Tomas sniped him with a Longbow).

C12x: Reclassed Tomas to cavalier, so he'd gain some Strength.

Killing Horace was necessary for me to unlock something in my event recap. Sorry. The pirates slowly but surely died on Radd's blade. From there, I crept up, and unloaded the shotgun named Roshea on the unsuspecting archers. The sniper went down to my fliers (after Gordin baited him). Horace died to a joint attack by Merric and Marth holding a forged Rapier. I felt a little guilty about visiting the village, but they're not gonna know any better!

C13: Reclassed Caeda and Norne to Archer, Merric and Gordin to Cavalier, and Lena to Curate. Fed Gordin a Speedwing so Astram wouldn't double him.

I had Radd and Tomas rush the northern enemies (used Maria as bait for the Arrowspate that moves), while Marth, Merric, Caeda, Castor, Norne, and Gordin went down the middle, eliminating the thieves and Astram. Lena stayed out of range to Physic anyone that needed it. Linde hung out in a corner so she wouldn't be flattened. Rickard made convenient bait. Eventually, all my horses made it to the boss, who went down to Radd's Levin Sword. Merric gained a level as a Cavalier, and got everything except for Strength and Defense. Go figure.

C14: Reclasses Merric and Lena to Mage, and Caeda and Norne to Pegasus Knight.

The first ballista felt the full fury of Lena's Fire. The Ridersbane knight dueled Radd with an Armorslayer. Apparently, Armorslayer > Ridersbane, as long as Armorslayer hits twice. Caught the thieves, got Thoron, recruited Palla and Catria, and Roshea is slowly but surely turning into a rocket launcher (lots of Strength, barely gaining Speed). Gordin finally got another Strength level up.

C15: Reclassed Radd and Palla into Myrmidons, and Gordin and Tomas into Archers.

Caeda caught the thief, which in turn angered a couple of Dracoknights. My archers shot down all that flew, while Catria gained a bunch of levels. Roshea finally gained another point of Speed, Tomas gained Luck, and Caeda gained Strength (unfortunately, she is being mauled by Catria in terms of stats). My fliers charged the clueless schmuck with Swarm. Afterwards, Catria went shopping.

C16: Did my usual strategy of rushing to the villages so I could kill the thief, then waited for the three waves of reinforcements from the north (so I could kill them all), then did some shopping and arena use (for Catria and Palla), then attempted to have all my mages attack the boss. . .but Merric interrupted it with a critical. Saved Xane, finished the map, and cheered when I saw that I pulled this off in less than 50 turns. I'm sad like that.

C17: Navigating the halls with my only horses being of the flying variety was most interesting. I managed to catch both thieves, took out both dragons (sorry Radd!), then did some creative positioning to get rid of the mage behind the walls. Once everyone was assembled, I had Gordin take out the Fortify Bishop, then immediately had Maria heal him. The VIP Bishop moved over to attack, then the Sniper showed up. That was Rickard's cue to open the door, which turned the throne room from empty to full of angry kids. Went shopping, then took the boss out using all my archers.

C18: Before I continue, I forgot to mention that Gordin and Castor promoted last chapter. The former's doing okay, and the latter's murdering everything in sight.

Slowly baited the horses using Radd, Castor, and/or Marth, then let them taste the fury of arrows/Fire. Recruited Est as soon as I could, then rushed down a little too fast. I was sandwiched between the southwestern reinforcements and the troops on the east for a couple of turns, but I got out of that (somehow). Started experimenting with the Triangle Attack, and the boss was one such victim of it. Roshea promoted in this chapter (now he's an automatic shotgun, since he gained Speed on his last two levels before promotion).

C19: Reclassed Gordin to Paladin and Castor to Horseman. I need mobility, and lots of it.

Had Gordin and Castor turn everything between me and the last room to mincemeat, while Rickard opened doors so Est and Palla could level. I rigged it so that the thieves were unable to reach the doors before they died, which meant I could finish opening things at my leisure. Tiki got the Starsphere. I was so bent on leveling Palla and Est that I forgot to kill off Bantu. Caeda and Maria promoted in this chapter.

C20: Reclassed Caeda to Paladin, Castor to Hero, Palla to Pegasus Knight, Lena to Curate, and Maria to Sage.

Forged a Javelin so Palla could take out the Arrowspate, then used a little creative positioning to pull of a Catria Triangle Attack. Meanwhile, everyone else RAN towards the lone village, and whatever got in my way was subject to Tiki's bad kissing. Used the random reinforcements to further level Tiki, while Catria sneaked just south of the Pachyderm ballista. Once I wasn't in danger of reinforcements, Castor and Roshea crossed the mountains to distract the General. Camus went down to Est's Triangle Horseslayer. Lorenz shared a similar fate (but with a Killer Lance).

C21: Reclassed Lena to Mage.

I had everyone regroup, then picked off reinforcements. Tiki gained a LOT of levels. She'll be able to hold her own, even after I sacrifice the Starsphere. My other units had fun, too (though in Rickard's case, he had a little too much fun, and wandered into range of one of the generals. He survived by the skin of his teeth). The boss died to yet another Triangle Attack. Tomas and Radd promoted on this level (not that it was hard to do, since Tomas was an Archer).

As a joke, I had Merric use Excalibur on one of the random Wyverns. By itself, Excalibur did 46 damage. Merric got a critical. Go figure.

C22: Reclassed Palla to Myrmidon.

I really needed Falchion (not Failchion) for this mission, so I rushed Caeda, Castor, and the sisters up towards the village. Whatever got in my way died. Radd, Xane, Tiki, Rickard, and Lena took the other way around (with the exception of Radd, they'd get in my way). Bow units were the first to fall, followed by the Ridersbane units. I parked Palla in the village, and watched with glee as she turned the thief into experience. As per my story, Michalis went down to Lena, Linde, and Merric (who used a plain Fire tome to finish Michalis). Picked up Starlight after all the enemies died. Merric promoted off of Michalis.

C23: Sent Rickard backwards to get the chests, then had Tiki implement Xane's brilliant suggestion (Geosphere). This time, Gharnef was at the bottom of the stairs, so I sent Merric on Barrier and Starlight to take care of Gharnef before the reinforcements arrived. From there, I charged up the stairs, got two free Steel Swords, and promoted Linde. I'm doing my best NOT to send Tomas to his death; his level-ups are reminiscent of Cecilia's.

C24: The only reason why Elice is alive is because I didn't have room in my party to kill her. She'll be staying with the convoy to make sure no one steals it (or anything in it).

I managed to promote the pegasus sisters, Norne, and Lena relatively early in this level. The thief IMMEDIATELY died to a well-placed Javalin from Catria. The Snipers couldn't do much to her, thanks to Michalis' parting gift. From there, I had everyone rush down to the three forts near the southwest corner of the map, to level off the reinforcements. I made sure to alternate my kills, so that (mostly) everyone would have a chance to grow. Once Turn 52 had passed (so that the only things left on the map were there to begin with), I baited the guards near Aum with Tiki, then had Rickard run and get it. I got my last bit of secret shopping done, then waltzed over to the boss and had Tiki give him a big, welcoming kiss. Despite my story, it seems that Tomas and Tiki make a really good team.

C25: As the story stated, the only ones left behind were Gordin, Norne, Xane, and Elice. Reclassed Catria and Est to Paladin. Created the mightiest, most accurate Longbow that I could, named it Railgun, and gave it to Roshea.

The units in the upper right corner chewed through the left side, then met up with the units on the right. Meanwhile, the guys on the right did their best to survive (both Snipers were there). The three that start near Marth took out the ballista, and baited the Bishop and General. Marth's group opened their door. Whee. Once everyone was on the right side (in the largish room just south of the Bishop and Ballista spawn point), I holed up, and made great use of my Javelin and Longbow investment. Roshea and Tomas finally cooperated, which resulted in this level going MUCH more smoothly than I imagined. Tomas also managed to gain enough Luck to negate Medeus' critical chance once he hit level 13 (WTF?). Palla gained a good amount of Speed, but her Luck never went up. Catria and Est were near their caps at level 8 and 10, respectively. Merric went absolutely berserk with his levels. As a result, Medeus went down to an Excalibur and a sloppy kiss from Tiki.

[spoiler=Chapter flavor text]P1:

"My first mystery already? But I don't have a convoy and--hey, don't interrupt me during my monologue!" Thus, Our Hero began by sending some generic Fighter and said Fighter's next reincarnation through a hole in the wall. The soldiers were slightly more familiar with the youth's tactics, but were eventually taken into custody when Marth somehow triggered the Magic Fishing Net that Elice had rigged above the throne. You see, Marth had a habit of jumping on the throne, and Elice meant to catch him, but that never came to pass. . .

P2:

"Abel, Frey, am I glad to see you! Can I take that medicine? I'll just take a nap over here, and hope everything turns out okay!" Abel and Frey did their best to protect the future leader of those meddling kids, but alas, they lost their footing on a treacherous slope, slid down into a well, and were never heard from again.

P3:

"What a nice vacation spot! I'm sure no one will ruin our picnic! Cain, where are you going?" Cain caught wind of a fire-walking contest, so he jumped right in. As soon as his bare feet touched the burning coals, he ran off into the woods, and that was the last Marth ever saw of him.

P4:

"Hey, it's Prince Marth, and he's in two places!"

"Yeah, but one of them has a wrinkly face and has white hair!"

"The real Marth fled! After him!"

"Sir, that's the wrinkly Marth. . ."

"Do not question my orders!"

"Yes, sir."

C1:

Three years have passed, and Marth is now licensed to drive a convoy! As soon as he picked out his very own convoy, a bunch of no-good pirates showed up to steal it! Caeda, who had to wait at the convoy dealership for three hours while Marth picked out the color, was not about to let those mean pirates take her friend's new convoy! Draug decided that he wanted to go swimming instead. Marth turned around just in time to see a pirate ship hauling Draug's armor-clad, coughing figure out of the water. Gordin and Norne tagged along, mostly due to the new convoy smell.

C2:

"I'm Darros, and I'm gonna join you before you can object!" Fortunately, Marth didn't have to deal with the bandanna-wearing pirate for long. One of the villages was short five men for their annual Para Para (1) competition, and when Ogma heard that, he forcefully volunteered himself, his unit, and Darros.

While looking for a good place to fix her hair, Caeda spotted someone off to the side, crying. Her maternal instincts got to her head before her common sense, and she flew down to greet him. The person, with tears in his eyes, blubbered something about his sick mother. Since there was NO way a grown man would be in public crying about mommy, Caeda jokingly invited him to Marth's convoy. To her unpleasant surprise, he took her up on the offer. How was she going to explain this one?

(1) Para Para is synchronized dancing set to eurobeat (think Initial D music), and is as girly as it sounds

C3:

"Excuse me good sir, but can you hide me from a creepy redhead that's been following me around? You can? Thank you!" While Marth did his best to disguise Lena, Julian found the next love of his life.

"Hey there, pretty hair."

"..."

"Such beautiful dark locks would look absolutely amazing with some flowers. Say, do you like long walks on the beach?"

"..."

"Oh, you're so shy! Tell me, dearie, what's your name?"

"It's Navarre, you blind weirdo!"

"OMG, IT'S A TRAP!!!"

While Julian and Navarre argued the fine points of how the former was going to pay for such an insult, Marth slipped the cleric away from her stalker.

"Thank you very much Marth, but were the orange sweater and glasses really necessary?"

C4:

"Why am I, Matthias, self-proclaimed wimp, facing this loser with an orange sweater and glasses?"

"What did you just say?! FIRE!!" Matthis did the smartest thing in his entire life, and RAN the other way, never to return.

"Yo Merric, long time no see!"

"Hey Marth, sweet ride! Can I join? Oh, I also got this cool new wind spell!"

"Does this have anything to do with your love of beans? If so, I'm not taking you."

"It's not that, I promise!"

C5:

"Hey Wolf, where are you going?"

"I just got a call from my agent. It looks like Yggdra reached the Black Rose Domain. Gotta go! Wait for me honey!"

"Er. . .okay. Sedgar, what are you doing? Sedgar? Wait, who the heck are you?"

"The name's Aran. Sedgar said something about stretching his legs, so I'm sitting here and--"

"AAAAIIIEEE!!!"

"That's Laura! How many times do I have to tell Sedgar not to hit on her? Excuse me!"

"This is really weird. What do you think, Vyland? Um, why am I in this fort all alone?"

Roshea understood that Wolf did part-time acting to make sure everyone had essentials like weapons, food, and streamers for their horses. Sedgar frequently wandered off to research "amazing weapons in a parallel world" (whatever that meant), and Vyland split his time between cleaning the fort and making sure the Commander didn't do anything reckless. This left Roshea in charge of caring for the horses and the cooking. Unfortunately for everyone else, Roshea hadn't learned the secret of tasting one's cooking before seasoning it (and the last time Nyna tried her hand at cooking, she nearly burned down the fort).

Meanwhile. . .

"Come, Vyland! My amazing turban will defeat the enemy yet again!"

"Sir, the enemy is the other way."

"CHAAAARGE!!"

"Oh no, he ran off the edge of the map. I've gotta rescue him! Wait for me!!!!"

A little later. . .

"Kid, what are you doing in such a dangerous place all alone?"

"Marth? Did you just call me a kid?"

"That's my way of inviting you to join my convoy."

"Who does the cooking?"

"See those women over there?"

"Yeah."

"They don't know how to boil water. The dude with the wavy green hair is our cook."

"Cool! Count me in!"

Elsewhere. . .

"Merric, let me out of this well! I'm your teacher! MERRIC!!"

"You're really noisy for an old man."

"Huh? Who are you?"

"I'm Frey, and that guy over there is Abel. . ."

C6:

"Everyone, we have our first true mission! Thieves are running around in this castle, and it is our job to tie them up so the authorities can prosecute them!"

"What about me?"

"Who are you, and how did you get into my convoy?!"

"I'm Rickard, and you left your keys in the convoy and all the doors unlocked."

"Oh, uh. . ."

"I'm a good thief, and didn't steal it! Promise!"

"Er, well. . .um, welcome to the convoy?"

C6x:

"Pirates kidnapping potential convoy members? MOVE OUT, EVERYONE!"

With that hearty battle cry, Marth and his convoy brought justice to the pirates. However, these weren't ordinary pirates. After a few questions, Marth discovered that they were the rejects from places such as Lyn's Mode, the Soothsires on Normal Mode, and the first two chapters of Radiant Dawn on Easy. The Magic Fishing Net went back in the convoy, and Gordin discovered that if he told the pirates they were tied up, they wouldn't move. Marth and his convoy agreed that such an embarrassing fight was never to be mentioned. The kids were returned to their rightful parents, and Marth ran off before yet another crazy woman invited herself to the convoy.

"Marth, did you say something about crazy women?"

"Not at all, Lena. Not at all."

C7:

"You gotta help me save Tiki!"

"Is this a case?"

"Yes, absolutely!"

"We'll take it!"

"Oh, thank you! I'll need to come along."

"Why?"

"Tiki is a young girl."

(Ooh, maybe she can join my caravan) "So why do we need you, old man?"

"I taught her not to talk to strangers."

"Darn."

Bantu was the first adult to enter Marth's convoy. Marth hoped his old man smell didn't get into the upholstery.

C8:

"Hello Marth. I was sent by Port Warren to investigate the appearance of 100% Legal Grape Juice."

"Why does something that's 100% legal need to be investigated?"

"It seems that the label is a lie. My partner over there drank some."

The blond investigator pointed towards the back of the bar. A boy with curly red hair was the center of attention of many of the patrons. However, this was not the kind of attention most people strove for.

"Boooonds never broooken, our promises weeee keep. . ."

"His singing could use some work"

"Radd is tone deaf, but has completely forgotten that fact while under the influence of the Grape Juice. We managed to procure an unopened bottle of the Grape Juice for--"

"暗闇に堕ちる町並みヒトはどこまで立ち向かえるの--"

"What language was that?"

"Don't mind him. Anyway, here's the Grape Juice sam--"

"Port Warren Police! You're under arrest!"

"Hey, what the--let go of me!"

"You are hereby charged with distribution of 100% Legal Grape Juice!"

"I'm part of this investigation, and so are they!"

"A likely story. Move it!"

Elsewhere. . .

"Fufufufufu! Soon, the entire Port will be under the influence of my 100% Legal Grape Juice, and nothing will stop me from taking over the ultimate one-stop shopping center! My last shopping trip got me a really sweet Levin Sword!"

"Sir, Marth and his convoy have been spotted!"

"Drat, not those meddling kids! Stop them!"

"Yes, sir!"

A little while later. . .

"Tiki Chews, 50 Gold! Tiki Chews, 50 Gold! They're so good that a girl has reportedly changed her name to show her love of them!"

"Really? I'll take 200!"

"Sold! Enjoy your Tiki Chews!"

"Marth, those Chews aren't meant for human consumption!"

"Uh, well. . .maybe I'll find someone who'd be willing to eat them. . .Caeda, why are you looking at me like that?"

Some time later. ..

"Did you just call my sweater ugly? FIRE!!"

"Ooh, target practice! Arrows away!"

"Ugh. . .well, at least I get to look at a pretty girl on a flying hor--"

"SHE'S ALL MINE, LOSER! TASTE MY AXE AND STAY IN THESE ROPES!!"

"Darn. . .I like redheads. . ."

"Er. . .oops? Sorry, thought you were looking at my future girlfr--I mean, Caeda."

"Castor, did you say something?"

"Uh, nothing, Roshea!"

Thus, only Radd was able to join Marth and his convoy (after the effects of the 100% Legal Grape Juice lifted, of course).

C9:

(after the battle)

Jeorge left the confines of the village he had taken refuge in. He had heard some very odd sounds coming from outside, but only dared venture out when everything fell silent again. Had Marth and his convoy come through?

The scene that greeted the Archanean sniper seemed to confirm his suspicions. One pirate was hog-tied to a tree. Another dangled upside-down from a tree branch, yelling obscenities. Four more resided in a Magic Fishing Net that had somehow attached itself to a wall. A moan of agony interrupted Jeorge's thoughts, and he walked over to the source of the sound. A man stared back at him, shock in his eyes and fear lining his ancient face. The burnt remains of his robe fluttered around him, and it looked like his underwear had been refashioned to allow for an atomic wedgie. His extremities were bound, and his neck was tied to a pillar (not tightly enough to cut his air supply off). It looked the bound man was trying to tell him something. Jeorge got a little closer, and barely made out the man's gasped warning:

"The girl with the ugly orange sweater. . .is a psycho. . ."

C10:

"Oh, hello! Have you seen my sister?"

"You have a sister?"

Outside. . .

"Hey little boy, wanna come ride on my dragon?"

"If it flies, it dies! Excalibur!"

"Wha--Minerva's blasting off again! *tink*"

"Sheesh Merric, I didn't know you had that in you!"

"Flying units bring out the worst in me, Lena, just as people with no fashion taste offend you."

"I could get to like you."

A little later. . .

"I just heard a familiar scream and *tink*. Who did that?"

"Uh, not me. Pay no attention to me and my Excalibur tome!"

"Oh, well. Guess she flirted with the wrong man again. How many times do I have to tell that sister of mine that little boys don't make good boyfriends?"

"(think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts) I'm glad you're not offended."

"Why should I be? I'M the one that's supposed to be flirting with boys my age! Speaking of--"

"Ulp, gotta go!"

C11:

"Look everyone, another market place! Maybe I'll find more Tiki Chews!"

"Marth, you an' your shoppin' spree have plum taken up the trunk. Any more stuff, an' Gordin will need to be tied to the roof next to Castor."

"You say that like it's a bad thing, Norne."

"Ehehe, well. . .yeah, you have a point, Marth."

Some time later. . .

"What kind of market is this? There's people in chains being sold to other people, and not a single Tiki Chew in sight!"

"Didn't you know that Knorda Market is a slight mistranslation?"

"What do you mean, Radd?"

"It was supposed to be Knorda SLAVE Market, but the middle word was omitted."

"Why didn't the producers say so sooner? I can't interrupt an honest transaction in progress, but--"

"This is anything but honest."

"I don't see anyone stealing money, so it can't be all that bad, right?"

"Oh for the love of 100% Legal Grape Juice! Marth, leave this to me. I'll break this market in no time flat."

"Radd, why are you running through the crowd like that? Er, well, glad to see you're on stage, but did the auctioneer need to be thrown off like that? Is that a megaphone next to you? Oh my gosh. . .I'M OUTTA HERE!"

Marth ran out of the town square, and not a moment too soon. Everyone else was caught in what would later be known as the Day of Silence in Knorda Market. Some people fled, never to return; others collapsed on the spot. It took a week for Knorda to recover from that disaster. Many of its citizens never got over the shock of what happened, and for a very long time afterwards, Knorda held an annual candlelight vigil for all those that were affected.

"EVERYWHERE I GO I SEE YOUR FACE IN THE CIIITY LIGHTS! I CAN'T SHAKE THIS CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY MIIIIIIND!"

Some distance off. . .

"Marth, why are you so sweaty?"

"Radd jumped on stage, stole a megaphone, and started singing!"

"Does he know he's tone deaf?"

"I think that was the point, Gordin."

"Are you two a part of Marth's convoy?"

"Yes, ma'am, why do you ask?"

"There's this kid that's been shocked so badly he's standing in front of that braying donkey on stage, not moving. Get him out of harm's way!"

"Ummm. . .all right, but first, let me find some earplugs."

A little later. . .

"Mister, you're a really good singer!"

"You think so?"

"Absolutely! Everyone else must have been so dumbstruck by your amazing ability that their minds couldn't take it!"

"Radd, there you are! Who's this?"

"Marth, listen to this! I got a fan!"

"Really?"

"You're the Marth with the convoy?"

"Er, yes."

"If this angel is traveling with you, I must come along!"

"You look like you'll fit the age requirement, and Radd looks really happy. I'll let you in!"

"Thank you very much! If that weird woman sent you, please tell her that I'm dead."

"Why?"

"Because my name is Linde, I'm a girl, and she keeps calling me a boy."

"I see. . .well, welcome to the convoy!"

C12:

"We've been in the same room for over two years. I wonder why they're holding us here."

"Not so loud, Midia! We don't want to give them any ideas!"

Midia wasn't sure if Dolph or Macellan said that, and she didn't much care. She was WAY overdue for a long, hot bath and a proper meal. Her cell mates weren't her idea of attractive. Boah was old enough to be her father. She could never tell Dolph and Macellan apart. All she knew about Tomas was that he looked too young for her. The best she could do was daydream about Astram, and wonder why he hadn't sprung her from this little resort yet.

"Hey, lab rats, here's a little toy for you. Press a button, and something'll happen."

"Did he just call us lab rats? It's good to know someone my age has a purpose."

"It looks like there's thirty buttons on this thing, and they're all labeled with food items."

"Really? I'm hungry."

Everyone turned to stare at the person who made that last statement. It was the first time any of them had heard Tomas say anything.

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Well, you never say anything."

"Oh, right."

"Respect your elders, children. I'm choosing first! Hmm, this Spring Water looks nice! WHAAAA?!"

As soon as Boah had pressed the button for Spring Water, the floor beneath the Bishop's feet had disappeared. Everyone else listened to his scream, which was cut short by a loud splash, followed by some complaint regarding age. The floor reconstructed itself as if it had never pulled such a prank.

"As your leader, it is my responsibility to forge into unknown territory, to protect everyone. I think I'll try some ice cream. AAAIIIEEE!!!"

Immediately after Midia made her selection, a hand appeared around her waist. It pulled her through a seemingly-solid wall. Her final scream echoed through the dungeon cell for a few seconds, before fading away.

"I understand how this crazy contraption works. It tortures us based on the food choices we make."

"Thank you, Brother Obvious, but what does this mean?"

"It means we should choose something that will hopefully be painless. Ready brother?"

"Ready."

"One, two. . .three!"

Like the Breath Mint button the two had pressed, they dissolved, Star-Trek style.

"What is Star Trek?"

Tomas, this isn't the time to be questioning me.

"You're the narrator?"

I hold your fate in my hands.

"That's nice to know. What does this crazy thing do?"

Keep up these questions, Tomas, and I will make you choose the option for Tea.

"So what do I do?"

Pretend I don't exist.

"Very well. Where was this story?"

I give up. Onward!

"Why do the guards outside sound so angry? Did they say something about a convoy? That might be my ticket out of here! But I'm still hungry! I guess I'll take a hamburger. What's the worst that could happen?"

Tomas pressed the button for Hamburger, and braced for the worst. Nothing apparent happened. The nothingness was rudely interrupted by screams from outside of his cell.

"AAAHHH, rabid raccoons!"

"They're biting my ears! HELP!!"

"There's no end to them! Who did this?"

On the other end of the hall. . .

"Those guards look like they're in trouble, Roshea!"

"Only one thing to do, Castor!"

"LET'S TIE 'EM UP!!"

A short time later. . .

"Thanks for getting me out of that cell, Marth."

"No problem. What was the deal with those raccoons?"

"I asked for a hamburger, and those raccoons appeared."

"Uh, right. . .so what's your name?"

"My name is Tomas."

"Nice to meet you, but. . ."

"Yes?"

"You seem a little too old to be in my convoy."

"Is that so?"

The conversation was interrupted by Tomas' stomach. A light bulb went off in Marth's head.

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"What?"

"Tell me what these taste like."

"(Marth, those weren't meant for people!)"

"(Hush, Gordin!)"

"Well?"

"These are. . ."

"Yes?"

". . .delicious. Can I have another one? Why is so much coin being exchanged between members of your convoy?"

"Uh, don't ask. If you like those, then I'll let you in the convoy. I've already got one old man in here."

"I heard that, Marth!"

"I know you did, Bantu!"

Thus, Tomas, the lone Archanean prison survivor, was brought into the convoy due to his love of Tiki Chews.

"Are you sure it isn't because I can talk to you?"

Tomas. . .

"Right, right. On with the story."

C12x:

Dear Diary,

Instead of giving me the proper traitor's punishment, Marth threw me down this well. The food is decent, there's a men's and women's bathrooms, everyone has their own bedroom, and there's even a place to train. This would be really good, except I'm not alone. The green-haired knight is constantly running from the redheaded lady who wants him to ride her dragon (whatever that means). The blue-haired knight is always being scolded by the two old men (one of which told me to get off his lawn when I was younger. I STILL HAVEN'T FORGIVEN YOU, BOAH!) No one can ever tell the twins apart (and no one cares to), and Midia won't shut up about her sweetie Astram. There's a bunch of other people who call themselves "generics", who seem to change every time I blink. I think I'll investigate the possibility of putting a lock on my door. Otherwise--oh dear, the green-haired knight's taking refuge in here again! Gotta go!

C13:

"It looks like Grust knows we're coming! Everyone, change clothes!"

"Hey Gordin, wanna switch?"

"Sure, Norne! I'll need a regular horse, though."

"Ooh, I've always wanted to take up archery!"

"Back to my robes! Hope Julian isn't here!"

"Someone is going to pay dearly for this."

Everyone turned to see Caeda's pegasus baring its teeth at Merric. Marth sighed, then went to find a spare horse.

Elsewhere. . .

"Astram, we're all set!"

"Good! When those meddling kids come, we'll stop them, then send them home to their parents!"

"Hey, everyone! Four Axes and a Sword, the singing/dancing troupe from Talys, is on its way over here!"

"Really? My favorite man band is coming this way? Forget battle, I want them to sign my snuggie!"

"Astram, wait for us! We wanna see those guys too!"

And thus, Marth was spared the wrath of Astram and his men due to a convenient appearance of the latter's favorite man band. Let's hope Marth's luck continues to hold in the upcoming battles!

C14:

"Are we in Altea? NO?! How did we end up here? My name is Palla, and the only reason why I'm joining you is because I need directions to Altea. I still haven't forgiven you for putting an arrow through my hair several chapters earlier, you purple-haired brat."

"My name is Catria, and I'm joining because my sister is. Why are you glaring at me, you with the green hair? Did I stand you up on a date or something? Is than an Excalibur tome? Are you pointing that at me?! If I stiffed you on a restaurant bill, I'm sorry!"

"Er. . .welcome? Merric, you can have your fun with Catria lat--HEY, don't cast Excalibur on me!"

"Marth, do we have to let them come? That chick with the green hair's gonna murder me in my sleep!"

"Stop whining, Roshea. She can't be as bad as Lena, can she?"

"I HEARD THAT!!! THUNDER!!!"

"She saves the Thunder tome for people who insult her sanity? OUCH, MY NONEXISTENT TIARA!"

Some time later. . .

"So of our new recruits, one has no sense of direction, and the other can't remember faces. We're getting quite the crowd, Marth."

"As long as Catria isn't our diplomat, and Palla doesn't go more than five steps without someone by her side, we should be fine, Caeda."

"STOP PALLA! THAT'S THE EDGE OF THE MAP!"

"Let go of me, purple-haired brat!"

"My name's Roshea, clueless lemming!"

"Come back and say that to my face!"

"Catch me if you can!"

"I smell a wonderful relationship forming, Caeda."

C15:

"Merric, whose idea was it to put a mage school in the middle of a desert?"

"I don't know, Linde, but it's a great way to keep non-mages out."

"How so?"

"Those who cross the desert without turning into a peeling mess have magical potential, and thus are allowed into the school. The rest are given some aloe before being thrown out."

"How very--huh?"

"So long, suckers!"

The two mages looked up, just in time to see Norne, Caeda, and Catria fly past. Norne stuck her tongue out at the duo.

"Your hatred of fliers. . .is justified. Where can I pick up an Excalibur tome?"

C16:

"Look Norne, a fellow redhead!"

"I'm gonna ask Marth to set him free!"

Some time later. . .

"Thank you for getting me out of that man sandwich! I'm Xane, and I really wanna join your convoy!"

"Well, you look like a kid and talk like one. Welcome to the--where are you going?"

"Tiki Chews! You're the best, man!"

"Don't eat them all!"

"Who asked for your opinion, you green-haired weirdo?"

"They're delicious."

"Um. . .what?"

"They're delicious."

"They're not meant for human consumption."

"They're delicious."

"Marth, why have you been feeding this creep my Tiki Chews?"

"Long story."

"Right. Anyway, they're mine now, and--who are you talking to?"

"The narrator. Make Xane share!"

Why are you dragging me into this?

"I don't hear a thing. Maybe you should get your head checked."

I see we are in agreement, Xane.

"Wonderful! I mean, I didn't hear anything but silence!"

Xane, that's not funny.

"Lalalalala!"

Keep that up, and I will forcibly transform you into the Port Warren mascot.

"Eeep!"

"So you can hear the narrator!"

"Nope, not a thing."

Seriously, don't eat all the Tiki Chews. Once the last Tiki Chew fan is introduced, all of you can have a nice battle royale to see who gets the stash. Given your inability to do anything but mimic people, I think you'll lose badly.

". . .I hate you."

Good. Convince the green-haired dude next to you to do the same, and I'll give you a crate of Tiki Chews, all to yourself.

"But you're really cute."

"You can see her?! I thought I was special because I could hear her."

If I ever stop by your neck of the woods, I'm rearranging your face, Tomas.

"Hey, what are you two doing?"

"Uh, getting to know each other. Isn't that right, Tomas? Tomas?"

"Can you finish this story in your night--OWWWW!!"

"Is he talking to himself again?"

"Yep. I'll punch him whenever he does. Is that okay?"

"Don't leave too many bruises."

"Got it."

C17:

"Everyone, I'm HOME! Hey, who are you, and why are you in my old clothes?"

"If that old relic Jagen could mimic you, why can't I?"

"Because Jagen's a human, not a dragon."

"Oh. Sorry. Gimme a bit, and I'll be ready to challenge you."

C18:

"Est? Est, is that you?"

"Palla, that's Norne. Est is over there."

"Oh, right. Hi Est!"

"Hi sisters! What's up?"

"The sky."

"No one asked for your opinion, you purple-haired twerp!"

"Unlike you, your sister's cute."

"SAY THAT AGAIN, AND I'LL TIE YOU TO THAT TREE UPSIDE-DOWN!"

"You have to find me first!"

The two younger sisters watched their older sister attempt to chase down her taunter. Due to her lack of direction, Palla was no match for Roshea and his tactic of running around a tree.

"Ah, Palla. I'm glad to see she's finally got a boyfriend."

"I don't think that's the case, Est."

"Really? If he's valuable to Palla, perhaps I can steal--"

"Catria, who's that?"

"Oh hi Marth. This is Est, our youngest sister."

"That's Marth? The one with the famous convoy?!"

"Yes I am."

"Can I join? PLEASE?!"

"Sure!"

"YAY! Now I don't have to pawn off this sword."

"Est, where did you get that from?"

"Uh. . .a soldier dropped it, so I picked it up and--"

"There she is! After her!"

"Oh dear, no time to chat!"

"Catria, is your sister--"

"She's good at finding stuff! Gotta go!"

"(Did I just invite a second thief into my group. At least Rickard hasn't done anything that I haven't been able to weasel out of. Yet.)"

C19:

"We've reached the Fane of Ramen!"

"Marth, it's the Fane of Raman."

"I wonder what kind of ramen they're serving."

"What's ramen?"

"It's a wonderful noodle dish that's the staple of many a teenager's diet."

"That made me lose my appetite."

"Perhaps I'll choose the shrimp flavor?"

"Ugh. . .I can't take this any more! What I do now, I do for the good of the convoy!"

"Castor, is that a--MMRMPH!"

"Xane, do your thing!"

"Right!"

Much later. . .

"Tiki! TIKI! I've got some Tiki Chews for you!"

"Ban-Ban? Is that you?"

"Would you take Tiki Chews from anyone else?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Good girl!"

Tiki sat down to eat her snack. Unfortunately, she accidentally sat on a big red button, which caused the floor under Ban-Ban's feet to disappear. Ban-Ban was last heard yelling something about a well before the floor reformed.

"So, how do you like the Tiki Chews?"

"Oh, I love them!"

"Do you want some more?"

"Sure! By the way, what's your name?"

"I'm Marth, and I'm the one that bought all those Tiki Chews!"

"Oooh! I wanna come with you!"

"Okay! Huh, why are you changing? XANE?!"

"Ehehe. . .long story. But Marth is nearby, and he really did buy all those Tiki Chews."

"Oh, okay. You're not a stranger, and you trust this Marth, so I'll go with you!"

Some time later. . .

"Xane, who is that strange human eating my Tiki Chews?"

"Tiki, pretend he doesn't exist. He's the weirdest human I've ever met."

"My, you're adorable. I'll share my Tiki Chews with you."

"REALLY! Oh, thank you!"

"Hey, what the--MMRMPH!"

Tiki, cut that out.

"I know that voice!"

"You're supposed to pretend it doesn't exist."

"Ugh, my first kiss went to a little girl. . ."

That will probably be your first and last. Great, did I make him cry? Sorry.

"Miss, you're a total prude. All I did was give him a little kiss."

You jumped on him, kissed him on the lips without so much as asking if he wanted one, and was about to do something else which I will NOT outline here.

"That's not a bad thing, is it?"

Please ask nicely before kissing others. Your job isn't to traumatize people for life.

"Mister, can I kiss you again?"

"No. Go away. *sniff*"

"Awww. . ."

A little later. . .

"Why is Marth all tied up?"

"He wouldn't shut up."

"MmMMMPH!"

"I need to thank him for those Tiki Chews. Mister, can I give you a kiss?"

"MMMPH!"

"I'm not hearing a no!"

"MMMRRMRRMMMPH!"

Okay Tiki, just this once.

"YAY!"

C20:

"I hear there's a really cool lance on this level. I want it!"

"Grow up, Est. It's in the hands of Camus the Sable, who is said to be--"

"I WANT THAT LANCE!"

"Hey miss, what would you do to get that lance?"

"Huh? I didn't even notice you."

"I'm Rickard, and I'm the only thief this group needs."

"Oh really? We'll see about that!"

"Both my sisters met guys. . .what about me?"

What about Catria indeed. At least she's learned the names of everyone in Marth's convoy, so she was no longer in danger of eating random Excaliburs, Fires, or arrows.

"You look down. Should I sing for you?"

"Oh dear. . ."

Perhaps some wishes should never be granted.

C21:

"They fly. All of them fly. All of them will eat Excalibur."

"Merric, you don't have THAT many Excalibur uses left. Save one for someone important."

"Do you have someone in mind, Maria?"

"Yes, but I'm not allowed to say it."

"Why?"

"I got a hold of the game's script, and saw what happens next. Promise me you'll save one Excalibur use."

"Fine. . .but this had better be worth it."

"Oh, it will be!"

C22:

"Is that a shoppin' center over there?"

"Why yes it is, Norne. Macedon doesn't have Port Warren's amazing sprawl, but the shops here are second-to-none. Since I'm the princess, I also get a discount!"

"Let's go shopping!"

"Wait for me!"

"And me!"

"Only if you promise not to steal anything, Est. . .and don't sing, Linde."

Much later. . .

"That was totally amazing! I found the perfect headband to go with my hair!"

"Who would have thought Macedon had such beautiful dresses? They swirl so nicely when I cast my spells!"

"Ah, the food was scrumptious! I daresay their pot roast is better than my granny's one!"

"I haven't had this many friends go shopping in a while! When this mess is over, we gotta do this again!"

"ABSOLUTELY!"

Back in the castle. . .

"Maria's here? I had her held hostage so she would be out of the way of such fighting!"

"Did you see the bill she racked up at the mall?"

"Hmm? Let me take a look. . .WHAT?! That's enough to fund the army for a week! That brat needs a lesson in fiscal responsibility!"

"So do we attack?"

"YES!"

Much later. . .

"It looks like it falls to me, Michalis, to defend the castle."

"Yoo-hoo!"

"Lena? My sweet, why are you here?"

"If it flies. . ."

"Don't point that tome at me, sweetie!"

". . .it dies!"

"Huh? Haven't seen you around before, but you're quite the cutie. I really like that dress, and the way it swirls when you cast. . .ack, that spell's coming for me!?"

"FIRE!"

"That's your boyfriend? How could you, Lena?! Michalis is blasting off again! *tink*"

"Hey Merric, why didn't you Excalibur my brother?"

"He was far too weak for me to use my amazing Excalibur."

"Oh bother. Well, he's out of the way, which means I'm the queen!"

"Is that why you joined the convoy?"

"Michalis and Minerva kept hitting on members of the opposite sex that were far too young for them. I didn't want either of them on the throne. They would set a bad example for the next generation."

"You sound like you'd make a good ruler, Maria."

"Oh, and I get the treasury ALL to myself! WOOHOO!"

"I spoke too soon. It looks like Maria doesn't use a flying unit, so she can live. . .for now."

C23:

"Look everyone, we've finally found the cul--huh? Why are there three of them?"

"With this scroll I stole from some schmuck in an orange jump suit, I will be invincible!"

"Okay, let's apprehend them all!"

"WHAT?!"

"If we can get past all these clones, we're bound to find the real one eventually."

"Blast you meddling kids! Go my teleport-happy stealth magic users!"

A little later. . .

"Marth, I got a wonderful idea! We can figure out which is the real bad guy really fast!"

"Oh?"

"We'll do this. . ."

". . .that's brilliant!"

"(Hey narrator, sorry for ignoring you all this time! Thanks for the tip!)"

No problem. I don't like this chapter, so finish them off quickly, okay?

"Yes ma'am!"

"Xane, why are you acting like Tomas?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all!"

C24:

"We're almost there! Medeus, the ultimate baddy, should be in that castle!"

"With all the bad guys we've been apprehending, there shouldn't be too many left."

"Rickard, what are you doing with my Magic Fishing Net?"

"Since there won't be too many enemies left, I wanted to go fishing."

"In case you haven't noticed, the last place to do any sort of fishing was back in Grust."

"Ehehehe. . .whoops."

"Sheesh Rickard, you're the worst thief ever."

"Come on, Est, it's not like you can do any better!"

"The first rule of thieving is to make sure you can get away with it!"

"Uh, you two, I'm standing right here."

"Marth, what have you been doing with MY Magic Fishing Net?"

"Sister? What are you doing here?"

"You left your convoy unlocked. Again."

"But how did you fit in?"

"Marth, have you noticed that you're short a couple of members?"

"Uh. . .really?"

"How are you supposed to lead a country if you can't keep track of your own convoy members?!"

"But sis. . ."

"Don't 'but sis' me! Gordin and Norne should be here soon. Be thankful that they both had horses, so they could keep up with you."

"Yes, sis."

"I'll be keeping an eye on you to make sure you don't misplace MY Magic Fishing Net."

"Yes. Sis."

"Marth's sister sure is scary, Est."

"She's worse than Catria during her catty phases."

"Hey, you two, what are you planning?"

"NOTHING! GOTTA GO!"

C25:

"We're finally here. Medeus has holed himself in here, and it's our job to have him arrested!"

"Why are we all split up?"

"To make sure he doesn't get away, Linde."

"Marth, his robes are glued to the throne."

"Oh."

Some time later. . .

"Hey Linde, I've got an idea."

"What is it, Radd?"

"See that garrison that looks like it's trying to spring an ambush?"

"What about them?"

"I feel like giving them a performance."

"Oooh, count me in!"

A bit later. . .

"Oh, my EARS!"

"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Ah man, I got the wrong Dragonstone!"

"No time to worry about that! Run for your life!"

"Hey, it looks like those soldiers over there are more lost than you, Palla!"

"Come back here, Roshea!"

"You. . .you called me by name. . ."

"I did? Whoops. You're still gonna--"

"I'm not sticking around to find out!"

And thus, Roshea managed to guide Palla into some of the confused soldiers. Between her sense of direction, and the fact that the pointy end of her sword was facing the right way, said soldiers were trussed up in no time.

In another part of the castle. . .

"What the? These doors aren't supposed to act like this!"

"Someone must have found the control room!"

"We've gotta get them out!"

"First, we have to get past these doors. . ."

Rickard and Est watched the mayhem on camera, and hi-fived each other.

Elsewhere. . .

"Gordin, are we there yet?"

"Norne, I think we're lost."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because this is my house."

Back at the castle. . .

"Our opposition is some kid and a chick in an ugly orange sweater."

"They don't look too tough."

"Merric, I'll take the one that called me ugly. You get the one that flies."

"It's like I'm in the world's best dream."

"What are those two mumbling about?"

"Not sure, but--AAAAIIIEEEE!!!!"

No one had bothered to tell the troops in Dolhr about the girl who didn't like it when her sweater was insulted, and the boy who disliked flying units. Those troops learned the hard way why it's best to shut up and fight, rather than taunt the opposition.

Near a dead end. . .

"Marth, it's another dead end!"

"I'm sure we'll find him somewhere, Caeda!"

"Why can't you admit that you're lost and ask for directions?"

"Did you say something?"

"Uh, no."

Somewhere a little more relevant. . .

"My, you're really strong, Castor."

"I have to be. My mom depends on my income."

"Ooh, you're such a sweetie!"

"You remind me of one of my younger sisters."

". . .did I just get friend-zoned?"

Yes, Maria, you did.

Okay, somewhere REALLY relevant!

"FOUND IT! What are you guys doing here?"

Marth's four remaining troops stared at each other for a bit, before turning their attention to. . .

"A-HA! We have you at last, Ashnard!"

"What are you talking about, girl?"

"You're not Leon? Uh. . .Idoun?"

"I'm a male dragon!"

"Er. . .Batta the Beast?"

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!"

Keep guessing, Catria. You'll get his name eventually.

"Hey narrator. Why are we the last three?"

Stop asking stupid questions, Tomas. You'll find out shortly.

"Yo narrator, is this the convoy that bought all the Tiki Chews in Port Warren?"

Yes, Medeus, why do you ask?

"Is that human snacking on them?!"

How else do you think he can talk to me?

"WHY DO YOU ALLOW SUCH A TRANSGRESSION?!"

It's funny. Why else?

"Mister Medeus, you like Tiki Chews too?"

"Yes, Chiki."

"I changed my name to Tiki because I like Tiki Chews."

"You're such a capricious child."

"Will you share your Tiki Chews?"

"Will you give me your Stone?"

"YOU MEANIE! Huh? Oh no!"

"XANE? What are you doing?"

"Ehehe. . .well. . ."

"*SMACK*"

"Wha. . .my first kiss. . .to an underage dragon girl. . ."

"Heh, I'm not the only one! Magic Fishing Net, GO!"

And thus, Medeus was captured thanks to Catria's poor memory, some very quick thinking on Xane's part, Tiki's unwillingness to listen to me, and the fact that the true klepto in this story is Tomas.

"The first rule of thieving is never to get caught, right?"

Close enough.

"Who would suspect the person that talks to the narrator and eats dragon food to be the one to get the Magic Fishing Net away from Elice's vigilant guard?"

Who indeed.

"Now will you go out on a date with me?"

No.

"Aww. . ."

Some time later. . .

Horses belonging to knights of the various kingdoms shifted restlessly, as the investigation came to a close. Two figures were led away in chains. The darker-skinned figure stopped in his tracks, and turned to Marth. "I would have taken over the world, if not for you meddling kids!" The leader of said meddling kids waved curtly before loading everyone into the convoy, to face their next adventure.

[spoiler=Epilogue]"Phew! Finally out of that well! For the last time Minerva, NO!"

"I hope I never see an old man again."

Abel and Frey were interrupted. . .by an old man.

"Your Highness! *puff puff* There you are!"

"It's Marth! After him!"

"Uh, guys. . .your king was apprehended over 10 chapters ago. You can stop chasing the old man."

"Really? Sorry, mister."

"You're a really good runner. I think we made it around the countries four times."

"It was fun. Let's run again, old man!"

"I *pant* hate you all *huff*."

"You've earned yourself a nice vacation, Jagen. Get some rest, please."

"Yes sir!"

---

"When I was your age. . ."

"You whippesnapper!"

"Darn kids!"

"All of you children combined are younger than me!"

"I may be a traitor, but even I don't deserve to be berated by this many old men. I'm outta here!"

---

"Hello Marth. My name is Wrys, and I wish to help you in your fight to reclaim your throne."

"Wrys, the game's over already."

"Looks like I overslept a little. My apologies, Your Highness."

---

"All these little boys--"

"--and girls--"

"in one place. It's like a dream come true!"

"Yes indeed, sister!"

"Didn't brother and sister learn their lesson already?"

---

"Hey Wolf! Long time no see!"

"Hey yourself, Roshea! I got a nice paycheck from my gig, and they even let me keep this card!"

"It was fun working with you, sir!"

"See you later, Caesar!"

"Who was that guy?"

"He was one of my generic subordinates. He did a good job."

"Ugh. . .I'm never eating a Bottled Doezu again!"

"Who are you?"

"My name's Jeorge, but I somehow wound up on the same set as Wolf. I had to play a cheerful archer. You have no idea how hard it is to be manically happy all the time."

"I hope you got a good paycheck out of it!"

"Well, of course! Now I can buy a complete set of Silver Bows for my mantle! See you later"

"Yo."

"Aran?"

"No, I'm Sedgar, short stuff."

"Why are you in that armor, Sedgar?"

"Laura used a Sleep staff on Aran, and he never woke up. I stuffed his body in a broom closet, and pretended to be him for the rest of the adventure."

"Hey Sedgar. Get any good things?"

"Well, there's this Wishblade. . ."

"What kind of lame name for a weapon is that?"

"It's a really nice lance! It's what every Javelin wishes to be!"

"But Wishblade? It's a lance that no one here can wield. Leave it in Tellius."

"Yes, Wolf. There's also these Silver Lances. . ."

Roshea left his two superiors to sort out Sedgar's stash. Some goddess had petrified everyone, and while no one was looking, Sedgar took their weapons. There would be plenty of money for their unit now!

"I'm back!"

"Vyland? Where's Hardin?"

"No clue. I lost him in Frelia. Some guy named Innes let me into their army. I never want to see another zombie again!"

"Er. . .right."

"The amazing Hardin has returned!"

"Commander! You're back!"

"Of course I am!"

"I thought I'd lost you in Frelia!"

"Oh. Vyland. Hi."

"Where did you go, Commander?"

"I found myself in a very interesting place! There were magical weapons, a young prince, demons aplenty. . ."

"Why am I having a hard time believing you?"

"Sir, are you from here?"

"Why yes, my fellow turban brother. By the way. . .is your name Clefi?"

"Yes it is. Why do you ask?"

"Ernesto is worried about you. To get back to where you came from, run off the edge of the map here, then take a left. . ."

". . .got it. Thank you, senor."

"Don't ever call me that again."

Roshea and Vyland could only stare at the retreating back of the mysterious figure in the turban. Where DID Hardin go?

"YOU IDIOT! YOU USED ITEM BREAK ON MY WISHBLADE!!!"

It looked like there were bigger things to attend to. Roshea sighed, then grabbed the nearest ropes he could find. Once Wolf and Sedgar started fighting, nothing sort of tying both of them up would stop them. At least it was better than the green-haired girl that kept chasing him around the map.

---

"Welcome to Port Warren!"

"Ooh, the Port Warren mascot! I want your paw print!"

"Right away!"

Inwardly, Roger sighed. He could endure the life-sized brown Great Dane suit for another three months. . .he hoped. It was better than five years of hard labor for a crime he didn't commit. Who WAS the distributor of 100% Legal Grape Juice?

---

"You got a signed snuggie by Four Axes and a Sword, along with a life-sized poster, every song they've ever produced, and a replica sword? Why do I even bother with you?!"

"Would you rather I be arrested by Marth and his convoy?"

"UGH!"

"Brother, I think it would be best to stay single."

"I agree."

"That kid with the green hair hasn't said a word since we saw him. I wonder what happened to him?"

"I think it is best that we don't know."

"(Even though I'm not under the influence of Tiki Chews, I can still hear you if I concentrate. This makes me happy.)"

It means you're close to death.

"(Is that why I heard you in the prison cell?)"

Duh.

"(Well, at least I can die happy.)"

. . .or you got good at zoning out. Given the way this continuum is going, I'm certain it's that.

"(You read ahead, didn't you?)"

Of course. I'm not allowed to disrupt this universe THAT much.

"(I don't care, as long as I have someone intelligent to talk to.)"

At least everyone knows why you never said anything to your comrades in Archanea.

---

"Ugh, there's water in my ears!"

"Next time, don't go swimming in your armor!"

"Yes sir."

---

"I'm glad this story is over. I'm also glad that thief was distracted by another pretty face. Now I can fade into obscurity, like I did last time."

---

"Ah Lena, there you are!"

"Brother?"

"Why did Marth put you in that awful sweater?"

"You knew?"

"Of course! I know my little sister has better taste than that!"

"Then back then. . ."

"I was teasing you, silly! It looks like you've grown. That makes me happy."

"Oh, brother. . ."

---

"Jake?"

"What?"

"Running around with that ballista is hard work."

"Totally."

"Next time, we should show up as normal classes."

"I agree."

---

"Thank you again, audience, for making Four Axes and a Sword a resounding success! As long as our fans are loyal, we will be loyal right back!"

"YAAAY! WE LOVE YOU!"

---

"MARTH?! WHERE IS MY MAGIC FISHING NET?"

"Oh dear. . .where DID it go?"

---

"Abel, have you seen Cain around?"

"Nope. You?"

"Not at all? I'd ask Jagen, but he's out cold."

"Who's that over there, training recklessly?"

"I'd say that's Cain, but I know Cain can't wield an axe."

"Ah, so the man who challenged me was named Cain?"

"Uh. . .who are you?"

"My name is Kieran, and I am with the Royal Crimean Knights!"

"Kieran, this is Altea."

"Really, Oscar?"

"My name is Abel."

"What in the world?!"

"Frey, we'd better tell Marth about this."

Meanwhile, in Crimea. . .

"Yikes, everyone's so strong! I've gotta train harder!"

Back in Altea. . .

"Cain's missing, and this Kieran's in his place? He looks and acts enough like Cain, so he can stay. . ."

"Nonsense! I must return to Sir Geoffrey immediately!"

"Convoy! We have our next case!"

And thus, Marth and his convoy started a new case - the Case of the Wrong Red Social Knight.

[spoiler=Final Stats and thoughts]Any stat with a star next to it means that I used a stat booster on it.

Name           Level  HP  Str  Mag  Skl  Spd  Luk  Def  Res
Marth          26.37  37   18    0   16   19   24   13    0
Caeda (Pal)    11.23  37   14    0   22   25   25   13    6
Roshea (Snp)   14.02  57   19    1   25   19    7   11    3
Rickard        23.09  29   16    0   10   19    6    5    1
Radd (Swd)     13.11  48   20    1   20   25   15   15    3
Linde (Sag)     9.77  35    3   15   15   17   22    4   10
Castor (Bzk)   16.05  46   26    0   16   20   12   14    0
Tiki           20.98  35   14    2   18   18   20    5   11
Tomas (Snp)    14.08  45   15    1   23   22   13   11    4
Merric (Sag)   11.84  41    3   18   20   21   22    7   12
Palla (Swd)     9.38  44   23    1   28   25    7   12    7
Est (Pal)      10.43  35  *25    1   23   25   22   15    9
Catria (Pal)    8.36  41   21    1   25   25   17   17    8
Lena (Sag)     13.52  26    3   15   21   12   26    5   15
Maria (Sag)     6.70  25    3   11    8    8   19    6   17
Norne (Drk)     4.05  32   13    1   15   22   12   14    4
Gordin (Pal)    5.81  39   14    1   17  *15   15   15    6
Xane            2.28  19    3    1    2    8    9    4   10

Merric changed classes for one level, but I don't think it impacted his averages much. Roshea and Linde never changed classes (rather, Roshea did not level as a Cavalier, was reclassed, and never left Archer/Sniper). The major points are the fact that Est got Strength blessed (17 at promotion), Tomas got really Lucky (the fact that his Speed looks like that is a miracle, because I had him classed as a Cavalier for several levels), Marth gained (relatively) good Skill, Norne traded some of her Strength for Speed, and Linde felt like being average. Overall, my units cooperated, so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

The star of this show is. . .

"ME!!! EXCALIBUR!!!"

Yes, Merric. Your Magic is off the charts, and everything save HP is at or above average. Honorable mentions go to Castor and the pegasus sisters.

Until next time! Thank you for reading!!

Edited July 25, 2010 by eclipse

[eclipse]

P1:

"My first mystery already? But I don't have a convoy and--hey, don't interrupt me during my monologue!" Thus, Our Hero began by sending some generic Fighter and said Fighter's next reincarnation through a hole in the wall. The soldiers were slightly more familiar with the youth's tactics, but were eventually taken into custody when Marth somehow triggered the Magic Fishing Net that Elice had rigged above the throne. You see, Marth had a habit of jumping on the throne, and Elice meant to catch him, but that never came to pass. . .

Marth got his first critical on his second hit, was beaten to a mere 4 HP, but somehow got his Skill and Speed up. This will make life easier for me in the next couple of chapters.

P2:

"Abel, Frey, am I glad to see you! Can I take that medicine? I'll just take a nap over here, and hope everything turns out okay!" Abel and Frey did their best to protect the future leader of those meddling kids, but alas, they lost their footing on a treacherous slope, slid down into a well, and were never heard from again.

Marth is now level 4, and has stolen Abel's growth patterns. By the time Marth hit level 4, the archers and soldiers couldn't do damage to him. Marth deserves a horse. Abel and Frey went down in a hail of arrows.

P3:

"What a nice vacation spot! I'm sure no one will ruin our picnic! Cain, where are you going?" Cain caught wind of a fire-walking contest, so he jumped right in. As soon as his bare feet touched the burning coals, he ran off into the woods, and that was the last Marth ever saw of him.

Marth made it to level 7, and decided that he wanted to level like Cain for this map. Cain made excellent bait for most of the stuff on the map. Jagen will serve his purpose later.

P4:

"Hey, it's Prince Marth, and he's in two places!"

"Yeah, but one of them has a wrinkly face and has white hair!"

"The real Marth fled! After him!"

"Sir, that's the wrinkly Marth. . ."

"Do not question my orders!"

"Yes, sir."

Recruited Gordin, used Jagen as the sacrifice (because it's the fastest way to off him), and got Daphne, er, Norne. Marth levelled quite a few things in the two levels he gained. Gordin somehow got three stats in one level up, but managed NOT to gain Strength and Speed. The real game begins now.

[Integrity]

So THAT'S what you were going for.

I'll read this just for the blurbs.

EDIT: Arright, the blurbs are brilliant. Keep 'em coming!

Edited July 16, 2010 by Integrity

[Mekkah]

Finally, a playlog I can read with my kids before bedtime!

[eclipse]

Thanks everyone! I'll try to finish this run sooner than later.

Maybe I should have called this Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon by 4Kids?

Moving on! The Chapter 5 prologue will be really long, but that's due to the sheer number of interesting characters that join (read: all of them)

Chapter 1:

Three years have passed, and Marth is now licensed to drive a convoy! As soon as he picked out his very own convoy, a bunch of no-good pirates showed up to steal it! Caeda, who had to wait at the convoy dealership for three hours while Marth picked out the color, was not about to let those mean pirates take her friend's new convoy! Draug decided that he wanted to go swimming instead. Marth turned around just in time to see a pirate ship hauling Draug's armor-clad, coughing figure out of the water. Gordin and Norne tagged along, mostly due to the new convoy smell.

Marth wound up beating up most of the pirates, and gaining Strength and Skill in the process. Norne was fed a few kills, but gained all of four stats in three levels. Gordin pulled a miracle, and got five stats. Caeda was bait, and didn't level. It took a lot of inaccurate shooting from my archers, but Gazzack went down to one of Norne's arrows, which somehow found its mark.

Chapter 2:

"I'm Darros, and I'm gonna join you before you can object!" Fortunately, Marth didn't have to deal with the bandanna-wearing pirate for long. One of the villages was short five men for their annual Para Para (1) competition, and when Ogma heard that, he forcefully volunteered himself, his unit, and Darros.

While looking for a good place to fix her hair, Caeda spotted someone off to the side, crying. Her maternal instincts got to her head before her common sense, and she flew down to greet him. The person, with tears in his eyes, blubbered something about his sick mother. Since there was NO way a grown man would be in public crying about mommy, Caeda jokingly invited him to Marth's convoy. To her unpleasant surprise, he took her up on the offer. How was she going to explain this one?

(1) Para Para is synchronized dancing set to eurobeat (think Initial D music), and is as girly as it sounds

Darros recruited himself, then sacrificed himself for the greater good. Castor whines about his mom a lot, so I decided to let him in (Medeus won't be able to tell the difference). Caeda managed to get a few kills on her own, and got Defense as her reward (...). Gordin and Norne tossed the Steel Bow back and forth as needed, and Norne FINALLY got her Strength up. Castor killed the boss, and didn't level (somehow).

Chapter 3:

"Excuse me good sir, but can you hide me from a creepy redhead that's been following me around? You can? Thank you!" While Marth did his best to disguise Lena, Julian found the next love of his life.

"Hey there, pretty hair."

"..."

"Such beautiful dark locks would look absolutely amazing with some flowers. Say, do you like long walks on the beach?"

"..."

"Oh, you're so shy! Tell me, dearie, what's your name?"

"It's Navarre, you blind weirdo!"

"OMG, IT'S A TRAP!!!"

While Julian and Navarre argued the fine points of how the former was going to pay for such an insult, Marth slipped the cleric away from her stalker.

"Thank you very much Marth, but were the orange sweater and glasses really necessary?"

I had no intention of recruiting Navarre, or dealing with all his buddies. I parked Julian on the fort to buy time, while Lena made a mad dash towards Marth. Meanwhile, I mowed just about everyone that stood between the boss and my army down with Marth (everyone else helped finish stuff that Marth didn't kill). The boss went down to Marth and a Steel Sword. I managed to finish right as the thieves came into range of everyone else (so everyone gained a level, and Gordin did a Strength, Skill, and Speed level up).

Chapter 4:

"Why am I, Matthias, self-proclaimed wimp, facing this loser with an orange sweater and glasses?"

"What did you just say?! FIRE!!" Matthis did the smartest thing in his entire life, and RAN the other way, never to return.

"Yo Merric, long time no see!"

"Hey Marth, sweet ride! Can I join? Oh, I also got this cool new wind spell!"

"Does this have anything to do with your love of beans? If so, I'm not taking you."

"It's not that, I promise!"

Reclassed Norne to Pegasus Knight and Lena to Mage. Forged a one-lighter Iron Lance for Norne.

I got a ton of generic units, and they waylaid the fighter group behind me, while everyone that's important took out the front lines. Lena killed off her brother, while Marth fed kills to everyone else. As her way of saying thanks, she gained HP twice in a row. The boss died to Lena and her sidekick archers.

Chapter 5:

"Hey Wolf, where are you going?"

"I just got a call from my agent. It looks like Yggdra reached the Black Rose Domain. Gotta go! Wait for me honey!"

"Er. . .okay. Sedgar, what are you doing? Sedgar? Wait, who the heck are you?"

"The name's Aran. Sedgar said something about stretching his legs, so I'm sitting here and--"

"AAAAIIIEEE!!!"

"That's Laura! How many times do I have to tell Sedgar not to hit on her? Excuse me!"

"This is really weird. What do you think, Vyland? Um, why am I in this fort all alone?"

Roshea understood that Wolf did part-time acting to make sure everyone had essentials like weapons, food, and streamers for their horses. Sedgar frequently wandered off to research "amazing weapons in a parallel world" (whatever that meant), and Vyland split his time between cleaning the fort and making sure the Commander didn't do anything reckless. This left Roshea in charge of caring for the horses and the cooking. Unfortunately for everyone else, Roshea hadn't learned the secret of tasting one's cooking before seasoning it (and the last time Nyna tried her hand at cooking, she nearly burned down the fort).

Meanwhile. . .

"Come, Vyland! My amazing turban will defeat the enemy yet again!"

"Sir, the enemy is the other way."

"CHAAAARGE!!"

"Oh no, he ran off the edge of the map. I've gotta rescue him! Wait for me!!!!"

A little later. . .

"Kid, what are you doing in such a dangerous place all alone?"

"Marth? Did you just call me a kid?"

"That's my way of inviting you to join my convoy."

"Who does the cooking?"

"See those women over there?"

"Yeah."

"They don't know how to boil water. The dude with the wavy green hair is our cook."

"Cool! Count me in!"

Elsewhere. . .

"Merric, let me out of this well! I'm your teacher! MERRIC!!"

"You're really noisy for an old man."

"Huh? Who are you?"

"I'm Frey, and that guy over there is Abel. . ."

Reclassed Castor to Mercenary, so he'll gain some more Skill. Reclassed Gordin to Cavalier, because I need to move it on this map.

I used Marth to murder the starting Cavaliers, then baited the Pegasus Knight with Caeda. It took Caeda, Norne, and Castor to finish Wendell. Meanwhile, Hardin's group (minus Roshea) ran interference with the archers and knights to the west. They managed to delay them long enough for Marth to visit the village, then come back around and kick more butt. Merric and Lena both gained Magic, and Castor gained Strength, not Skill. Gordin did his job and gained Strength. A few more levels of that, and he'll do just fine.

[Integrity]

I was going to quote something to mention that you'd hit a new level of amazing, and then I decided against it because something already surpassed it.

Honestly, I don't know what to say besides encouragement.

[ReedTien]

This is a thoroughly entertaining run!

[Parrhesia]

I love this. Marry me.

[Integrity]

I love this. Marry me.

Get in line. I commented first.

[Parrhesia]

Get in line. I commented first.

I still haven't gotten over the death of Pinkley. I get desperate.

[eclipse]

Thank you everyone! I'm single, but probably a little too old to be playing FE. Sorry!

Chapter 9 is an epilogue, not a prologue. The Wall of Text in this batch is Chapter 8. Chapter 12 will be the next Wall of Text.

Chapter 6:

"Everyone, we have our first true mission! Thieves are running around in this castle, and it is our job to tie them up so the authorities can prosecute them!"

"What about me?"

"Who are you, and how did you get into my convoy?!"

"I'm Rickard, and you left your keys in the convoy and all the doors unlocked."

"Oh, uh. . ."

"I'm a good thief, and didn't steal it! Promise!"

"Er, well. . .um, welcome to the convoy?"

Reclassed Roshea into Archer, so he'll be useful.

Rickard looks like a kid and acts like one, so I recruited him. I had Gordin run down the corridors like Merric set his pants on fire, while Castor and Marth trailed behind. Caeda and Norne were also in front, but not so close that the archers could clip their wings. Castor survived the initial rush with 5 HP (stupid mage), Caeda and Wing Spear took out the Silver Lance jerk, and my mages ran over the knights. Every single thief died, and Roshea got his first level by sniping at them. From there, my generics became lures for the remaining enemies, and the boss went down in a Firestorm.

Chapter 7:

"You gotta help me save Tiki!"

"Is this a case?"

"Yes, absolutely!"

"We'll take it!"

"Oh, thank you! I'll need to come along."

"Why?"

"Tiki is a young girl."

(Ooh, maybe she can join my caravan) "So why do we need you, old man?"

"I taught her not to talk to strangers."

"Darn."

Bantu was the first adult to enter Marth's convoy. Marth hoped his old man smell didn't get into the upholstery.

Roshea had the time of his life smacking the units that flew. Caeda delivered Righteous Wing Spear Justice to the Ridersbane units. Minerva went down to Excalibur, generic units were bait, etc. Norne got the perfect zero level, while Roshea started gaining Strength and Speed. Merric is lagging behind Lena Magic-wise.

Chapter 8:

"Hello Marth. I was sent by Port Warren to investigate the appearance of 100% Legal Grape Juice."

"Why does something that's 100% legal need to be investigated?"

"It seems that the label is a lie. My partner over there drank some."

The blond investigator pointed towards the back of the bar. A boy with curly red hair was the center of attention of many of the patrons. However, this was not the kind of attention most people strove for.

"Boooonds never broooken, our promises weeee keep. . ."

"His singing could use some work"

"Radd is tone deaf, but has completely forgotten that fact while under the influence of the Grape Juice. We managed to procure an unopened bottle of the Grape Juice for--"

"暗闇に堕ちる町並みヒトはどこまで立ち向かえるの--"

"What language was that?"

"Don't mind him. Anyway, here's the Grape Juice sam--"

"Port Warren Police! You're under arrest!"

"Hey, what the--let go of me!"

"You are hereby charged with distribution of 100% Legal Grape Juice!"

"I'm part of this investigation, and so are they!"

"A likely story. Move it!"

Elsewhere. . .

"Fufufufufu! Soon, the entire Port will be under the influence of my 100% Legal Grape Juice, and nothing will stop me from taking over the ultimate one-stop shopping center! My last shopping trip got me a really sweet Levin Sword!"

"Sir, Marth and his convoy have been spotted!"

"Drat, not those meddling kids! Stop them!"

"Yes, sir!"

A little while later. . .

"Tiki Chews, 50 Gold! Tiki Chews, 50 Gold! They're so good that a girl has reportedly changed her name to show her love of them!"

"Really? I'll take 200!"

"Sold! Enjoy your Tiki Chews!"

"Marth, those Chews aren't meant for human consumption!"

"Uh, well. . .maybe I'll find someone who'd be willing to eat them. . .Caeda, why are you looking at me like that?"

Some time later. ..

"Did you just call my sweater ugly? FIRE!!"

"Ooh, target practice! Arrows away!"

"Ugh. . .well, at least I get to look at a pretty girl on a flying hor--"

"SHE'S ALL MINE, LOSER! TASTE MY AXE AND STAY IN THESE ROPES!!"

"Darn. . .I like redheads. . ."

"Er. . .oops? Sorry, thought you were looking at my future girlfr--I mean, Caeda."

"Castor, did you say something?"

"Uh, nothing, Roshea!"

Thus, only Radd was able to join Marth and his convoy (after the effects of the 100% Legal Grape Juice lifted, of course).

Reclassed Castor to Pirate, for Strength growth.

Sent Caesar shopping, then off to his death. Used the arena to bump Radd up a couple of levels, and he thanked me by gaining Strength. Caeda also went in (she was extremely underleveled), and gained Strength twice. Castor fought a few rounds to up his Axe rank, and got Strength. The extra money didn't hurt, either! Due to a tactical error, I put Norne in range of one of the Horsemen. Radd managed to draw enough attention to himself such that everyone survived. The boss went down REALLY fast to the fury of Merric and Lena (he called her sweater ugly, and thought beans were the worst food in the world).

Chapter 9:

(after the battle)

Jeorge left the confines of the village he had taken refuge in. He had heard some very odd sounds coming from outside, but only dared venture out when everything fell silent again. Had Marth and his convoy come through?

The scene that greeted the Archanean sniper seemed to confirm his suspicions. One pirate was hog-tied to a tree. Another dangled upside-down from a tree branch, yelling obscenities. Four more resided in a Magic Fishing Net that had somehow attached itself to a wall. A moan of agony interrupted Jeorge's thoughts, and he walked over to the source of the sound. A man stared back at him, shock in his eyes and fear lining his ancient face. The burnt remains of his robe fluttered around him, and it looked like his underwear had been refashioned to allow for an atomic wedgie. His extremities were bound, and his neck was tied to a pillar (not tightly enough to cut his air supply off). It looked the bound man was trying to tell him something. Jeorge got a little closer, and barely made out the man's gasped warning:

"The girl with the ugly orange sweater. . .is a psycho. . ."

Reclassed Castor to Mercenary (again). Get used to Castor's reclassing.

Catching the thief is much easier when there's flying units on the map. Gordin and Marth made a mad dash to catch the first thief, while Caeda flew even further to nab the second thief (after he opened the chest, of course). I left my generics on the starting isle, so the two Hand Axe pirates wouldn't bother me. Slowly worked my way to the boss, had Radd gain a few levels (he gained Strength, woo!), and had Lena do her thing after the boss called her sweater ugly. Gording got hit by a 19% Hammer (...), and the pirates decided that Marth was a better target than Castor.

Chapter 10:

"Oh, hello! Have you seen my sister?"

"You have a sister?"

Outside. . .

"Hey little boy, wanna come ride on my dragon?"

"If it flies, it dies! Excalibur!"

"Wha--Minerva's blasting off again! *tink*"

"Sheesh Merric, I didn't know you had that in you!"

"Flying units bring out the worst in me, Lena, just as people with no fashion taste offend you."

"I could get to like you."

A little later. . .

"I just heard a familiar scream and *tink*. Who did that?"

"Uh, not me. Pay no attention to me and my Excalibur tome!"

"Oh, well. Guess she flirted with the wrong man again. How many times do I have to tell that sister of mine that little boys don't make good boyfriends?"

"(think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts) I'm glad you're not offended."

"Why should I be? I'M the one that's supposed to be flirting with boys my age! Speaking of--"

"Ulp, gotta go!"

Had everyone charge down to the south, killed off the brat who tried to jack the Levin Sword, then baited the arrow guys into running to their deaths. Unfortunately, the Sniper was the only one that took the bait, so Gordin, Norne, and Radd (via Levin Sword) had to finish off the remaining Archers. The two waves of reinforcements normally don't give me problems, but I normally have a source of healing besides a single fort. Managed to extinguish everyone, with Radd at 1 HP and Merric at 3. Once everyone was healed, parked everyone of importance outside of Minerva's range, recruited Maria, then had Minerva eat Excalibur. Everything else died quickly after that. I have my first Master Seal, and if things continue like they are, it will go to Castor. Roshea is turning into a shotgun - 10 Strength and 7 Speed. Norne FINALLY got another Strength level, which means she can now use Iron Lances without a Speed penalty.

EDIT: Formatting

Edited July 18, 2010 by ellipse

[Integrity]

...

IF IT FLIES IT DIES

EXCALIBUR!

bleed the half breed

[Balcerzak]

Great work on the flavor. While I'm not sure just how much of a challenge the run will pose, your presentation and the theme make it all worthwhile.

Thank you everyone! I'm single, but probably a little too old to be playing FE. Sorry!

It's impossible to be too old to be playing Fire Emblem.

[El Rey León]

I love this playlog.

You all can marry the OP.

I want to marry the playlog.

[Thor Odinson]

I want to marry the playlog.

Damn, you got there first.

...Can I at least get Abel out of the well he's in with Frey and Wendell, and marry him? >D

[Parrhesia]

I want to marry the playlog.

Yeah well, I'll marry, uh...

...

...

...

...Hair!

[eclipse]

Wow, thanks everyone!

This run isn't going to be OMGWTFBBQ hard (it's on Normal, for cryin' out loud!), but I've intentionally killed off/didn't recruit many of the better units (most of the Class 2 guys and the Altean Cavalier Squad of Doom are the notable ones). Furthermore, no matter how much Norne/Gordin/Rickard tick me off, I'm not allowed to kill them, and I'm NOT doing any resets except for character deaths. Arena use is limited to two levels per character per map (mostly for money). I'd say this is more of a patience run than a challenge run.

Lastly. . .if a character is stuck in the well, they aren't supposed to be let out (but it's not like I'm checking every chapter. . .hint, hint).

There's quite a few characters that aren't stuck in the well. I'll list them below. Should I put something about what may have happened to the in the upcoming chapters? Those that aren't listed are either in the well, or their fates will not be disclosed of before the end of this run.

Cain

Matthis

The Wolfguard (minus Roshea)

Caesar

Jeorge

I completely forgot 6x, so it's going here, along with 11 and 12. Chapter 12 is a Wall of Text, and Chapter 11 isn't far behind.

Chapter 6x:

"Pirates kidnapping potential convoy members? MOVE OUT, EVERYONE!"

With that hearty battle cry, Marth and his convoy brought justice to the pirates. However, these weren't ordinary pirates. After a few questions, Marth discovered that they were the rejects from places such as Lyn's Mode, the Soothsires on Normal Mode, and the first two chapters of Radiant Dawn on Easy. The Magic Fishing Net went back in the convoy, and Gordin discovered that if he told the pirates they were tied up, they wouldn't move. Marth and his convoy agreed that such an embarrassing fight was never to be mentioned. The kids were returned to their rightful parents, and Marth ran off before yet another crazy woman invited herself to the convoy.

"Marth, did you say something about crazy women?"

"Not at all, Lena. Not at all."

This chapter's prologue pretty much sums up the battle. The only hectic time was the initial pirate rush. Gordin and Castor walled off the enemy, and that was the end of it.

Chapter 11:

"Look everyone, another market place! Maybe I'll find more Tiki Chews!"

"Marth, you an' your shoppin' spree have plum taken up the trunk. Any more stuff, an' Gordin will need to be tied to the roof next to Castor."

"You say that like it's a bad thing, Norne."

"Ehehe, well. . .yeah, you have a point, Marth."

Some time later. . .

"What kind of market is this? There's people in chains being sold to other people, and not a single Tiki Chew in sight!"

"Didn't you know that Knorda Market is a slight mistranslation?"

"What do you mean, Radd?"

"It was supposed to be Knorda SLAVE Market, but the middle word was omitted."

"Why didn't the producers say so sooner? I can't interrupt an honest transaction in progress, but--"

"This is anything but honest."

"I don't see anyone stealing money, so it can't be all that bad, right?"

"Oh for the love of 100% Legal Grape Juice! Marth, leave this to me. I'll break this market in no time flat."

"Radd, why are you running through the crowd like that? Er, well, glad to see you're on stage, but did the auctioneer need to be thrown off like that? Is that a megaphone next to you? Oh my gosh. . .I'M OUTTA HERE!"

Marth ran out of the town square, and not a moment too soon. Everyone else was caught in what would later be known as the Day of Silence in Knorda Market. Some people fled, never to return; others collapsed on the spot. It took a week for Knorda to recover from that disaster. Many of its citizens never got over the shock of what happened, and for a very long time afterwards, Knorda held an annual candlelight vigil for all those that were affected.

"EVERYWHERE I GO I SEE YOUR FACE IN THE CIIITY LIGHTS! I CAN'T SHAKE THIS CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY MIIIIIIND!"

Some distance off. . .

"Marth, why are you so sweaty?"

"Radd jumped on stage, stole a megaphone, and started singing!"

"Does he know he's tone deaf?"

"I think that was the point, Gordin."

"Are you two a part of Marth's convoy?"

"Yes, ma'am, why do you ask?"

"There's this kid that's been shocked so badly he's standing in front of that braying donkey on stage, not moving. Get him out of harm's way!"

"Ummm. . .all right, but first, let me find some earplugs."

A little later. . .

"Mister, you're a really good singer!"

"You think so?"

"Absolutely! Everyone else must have been so dumbstruck by your amazing ability that their minds couldn't take it!"

"Radd, there you are! Who's this?"

"Marth, listen to this! I got a fan!"

"Really?"

"You're the Marth with the convoy?"

"Er, yes."

"If this angel is traveling with you, I must come along!"

"You look like you'll fit the age requirement, and Radd looks really happy. I'll let you in!"

"Thank you very much! If that weird woman sent you, please tell her that I'm dead."

"Why?"

"Because my name is Linde, I'm a girl, and she keeps calling me a boy."

"I see. . .well, welcome to the convoy!"

Sniped off the fliers that wanted to see if Merric really hated them (he did), then stopped the thief from crashing Radd's stage debut. Linde and Rickard got a couple of levels in the Arena (Rickard really needed it, and Maria needed experience healing people). Since Maria gained a good amount of Resistance, she was put in range of Thunderbolt until it ran out. From there, I carefully baited both bow units with Gordin and his amazing defenses (10 + 1 on a fort), then slowly worked my way around the boss to Jake, so I could bring my fliers in. From there, Marth said hi to the boss, and that was the end of that. Linde isn't being very cooperative (no Magic or Speed in the first two levels).

Chapter 12:

"We've been in the same room for over two years. I wonder why they're holding us here."

"Not so loud, Midia! We don't want to give them any ideas!"

Midia wasn't sure if Dolph or Macellan said that, and she didn't much care. She was WAY overdue for a long, hot bath and a proper meal. Her cell mates weren't her idea of attractive. Boah was old enough to be her father. She could never tell Dolph and Macellan apart. All she knew about Tomas was that he looked too young for her. The best she could do was daydream about Astram, and wonder why he hadn't sprung her from this little resort yet.

"Hey, lab rats, here's a little toy for you. Press a button, and something'll happen."

"Did he just call us lab rats? It's good to know someone my age has a purpose."

"It looks like there's thirty buttons on this thing, and they're all labeled with food items."

"Really? I'm hungry."

Everyone turned to stare at the person who made that last statement. It was the first time any of them had heard Tomas say anything.

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Well, you never say anything."

"Oh, right."

"Respect your elders, children. I'm choosing first! Hmm, this Spring Water looks nice! WHAAAA?!"

As soon as Boah had pressed the button for Spring Water, the floor beneath the Bishop's feet had disappeared. Everyone else listened to his scream, which was cut short by a loud splash, followed by some complaint regarding age. The floor reconstructed itself as if it had never pulled such a prank.

"As your leader, it is my responsibility to forge into unknown territory, to protect everyone. I think I'll try some ice cream. AAAIIIEEE!!!"

Immediately after Midia made her selection, a hand appeared around her waist. It pulled her through a seemingly-solid wall. Her final scream echoed through the dungeon cell for a few seconds, before fading away.

"I understand how this crazy contraption works. It tortures us based on the food choices we make."

"Thank you, Brother Obvious, but what does this mean?"

"It means we should choose something that will hopefully be painless. Ready brother?"

"Ready."

"One, two. . .three!"

Like the Breath Mint button the two had pressed, they dissolved, Star-Trek style.

"What is Star Trek?"

Tomas, this isn't the time to be questioning me.

"You're the narrator?"

I hold your fate in my hands.

"That's nice to know. What does this crazy thing do?"

Keep up these questions, Tomas, and I will make you choose the option for Tea.

"So what do I do?"

Pretend I don't exist.

"Very well. Where was this story?"

I give up. Onward!

"Why do the guards outside sound so angry? Did they say something about a convoy? That might be my ticket out of here! But I'm still hungry! I guess I'll take a hamburger. What's the worst that could happen?"

Tomas pressed the button for Hamburger, and braced for the worst. Nothing apparent happened. The nothingness was rudely interrupted by screams from outside of his cell.

"AAAHHH, rabid raccoons!"

"They're biting my ears! HELP!!"

"There's no end to them! Who did this?"

On the other end of the hall. . .

"Those guards look like they're in trouble, Roshea!"

"Only one thing to do, Castor!"

"LET'S TIE 'EM UP!!"

A short time later. . .

"Thanks for getting me out of that cell, Marth."

"No problem. What was the deal with those raccoons?"

"I asked for a hamburger, and those raccoons appeared."

"Uh, right. . .so what's your name?"

"My name is Tomas."

"Nice to meet you, but. . ."

"Yes?"

"You seem a little too old to be in my convoy."

"Is that so?"

The conversation was interrupted by Tomas' stomach. A light bulb went off in Marth's head.

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"What?"

"Tell me what these taste like."

"(Marth, those weren't meant for people!)"

"(Hush, Gordin!)"

"Well?"

"These are. . ."

"Yes?"

". . .delicious. Can I have another one? Why is so much coin being exchanged between members of your convoy?"

"Uh, don't ask. If you like those, then I'll let you in the convoy. I've already got one old man in here."

"I heard that, Marth!"

"I know you did, Bantu!"

Thus, Tomas, the lone Archanean prison survivor, was brought into the convoy due to his love of Tiki Chews.

"Are you sure it isn't because I can talk to you?"

Tomas. . .

"Right, right. On with the story."

Linde and Norne took care of the initial thieves, while everyone else made their way to the large room south of the prison. It took a while for everyone but Tomas to die, but once they did, the guards followed the captors they had previously killed. Looks like I won't get Astram! Three mages against all those calvary was completely unfair, but this run isn't about being fair. Linde decided she'd gain Magic and Speed at level 6. Roshea is going down the shotgun route (gained Strength and Skill, and is extremely Speed screwed). Gordin finally got another Strength point. The boss went down to the Wifi shop (Roshea and Tomas sniped him with a Longbow).

[Charpig]

I can imagine the following exchange in the future:

Marth: Okay, Tiki, time to fight Medeus.

Tiki: What!? N-No way,Marth!

Marth: Not even for a.....Tiki Chew?

Tiki: No, not even for a Tiki Chew!

Marth: How about.....two Tiki Chews?

Tiki: Uhh......I still won't do it.

Marth: Fine, how about three Tiki Chews?

Tiki: Okay, I'll do it.

(During this exchange, enemy reinforcements appear)

Marth: Zoinks! Reinforcements!

Scooby: Rut roh!

Marth: Ah, perfect, Scooby Doo! You can be our sacrifice unit here.

Scooby: Runh?

Tiki: Marth! You can't send Scooby to die!

Marth: Then if you don't want Scooby to die, you had better hurry up and defeat Medeus! Here are those Tiki Chews.....

Tiki: Scooby Dooby Doo!

[eclipse]

Thank you everyone!!

I have plans for that final chapter (besides feeding Gotoh to Medeus), and Scooby won't have to make a cameo. It will be. . .much worse, trust me.

I would have done Chapter 15, but after a phenomenal run, I put my DS to sleep, and the cartridge somehow popped out. I'm redoing it, and things are turning out WAY different.

On with the story!

Chapter 12x:

Dear Diary,

Instead of giving me the proper traitor's punishment, Marth threw me down this well. The food is decent, there's a men's and women's bathrooms, everyone has their own bedroom, and there's even a place to train. This would be really good, except I'm not alone. The green-haired knight is constantly running from the redheaded lady who wants him to ride her dragon (whatever that means). The blue-haired knight is always being scolded by the two old men (one of which told me to get off his lawn when I was younger. I STILL HAVEN'T FORGIVEN YOU, BOAH!) No one can ever tell the twins apart (and no one cares to), and Midia won't shut up about her sweetie Astram. There's a bunch of other people who call themselves "generics", who seem to change every time I blink. I think I'll investigate the possibility of putting a lock on my door. Otherwise--oh dear, the green-haired knight's taking refuge in here again! Gotta go!

Reclassed Tomas to cavalier, so he'd gain some Strength.

Killing Horace was necessary for me to unlock something in my event recap. Sorry. The pirates slowly but surely died on Radd's blade. From there, I crept up, and unloaded the shotgun named Roshea on the unsuspecting archers. The sniper went down to my fliers (after Gordin baited him). Horace died to a joint attack by Merric and Marth holding a forged Rapier. I felt a little guilty about visiting the village, but they're not gonna know any better!

Chapter 13:

"It looks like Grust knows we're coming! Everyone, change clothes!"

"Hey Gordin, wanna switch?"

"Sure, Norne! I'll need a regular horse, though."

"Ooh, I've always wanted to take up archery!"

"Back to my robes! Hope Julian isn't here!"

"Someone is going to pay dearly for this."

Everyone turned to see Caeda's pegasus baring its teeth at Merric. Marth sighed, then went to find a spare horse.

Elsewhere. . .

"Astram, we're all set!"

"Good! When those meddling kids come, we'll stop them, then send them home to their parents!"

"Hey, everyone! Four Axes and a Sword, the singing/dancing troupe from Talys, is on its way over here!"

"Really? My favorite man band is coming this way? Forget battle, I want them to sign my snuggie!"

"Astram, wait for us! We wanna see those guys too!"

And thus, Marth was spared the wrath of Astram and his men due to a convenient appearance of the latter's favorite man band. Let's hope Marth's luck continues to hold in the upcoming battles!

Reclassed Caeda and Norne to Archer, Merric and Gordin to Cavalier, and Lena to Curate. Fed Gordin a Speedwing so Astram wouldn't double him.

I had Radd and Tomas rush the northern enemies (used Maria as bait for the Arrowspate that moves), while Marth, Merric, Caeda, Castor, Norne, and Gordin went down the middle, eliminating the thieves and Astram. Lena stayed out of range to Physic anyone that needed it. Linde hung out in a corner so she wouldn't be flattened. Rickard made convenient bait. Eventually, all my horses made it to the boss, who went down to Radd's Levin Sword. Merric gained a level as a Cavalier, and got everything except for Strength and Defense. Go figure.

Chapter 14:

"Are we in Altea? NO?! How did we end up here? My name is Palla, and the only reason why I'm joining you is because I need directions to Altea. I still haven't forgiven you for putting an arrow through my hair several chapters earlier, you purple-haired brat."

"My name is Catria, and I'm joining because my sister is. Why are you glaring at me, you with the green hair? Did I stand you up on a date or something? Is than an Excalibur tome? Are you pointing that at me?! If I stiffed you on a restaurant bill, I'm sorry!"

"Er. . .welcome? Merric, you can have your fun with Catria lat--HEY, don't cast Excalibur on me!"

"Marth, do we have to let them come? That chick with the green hair's gonna murder me in my sleep!"

"Stop whining, Roshea. She can't be as bad as Lena, can she?"

"I HEARD THAT!!! THUNDER!!!"

"She saves the Thunder tome for people who insult her sanity? OUCH, MY NONEXISTENT TIARA!"

Some time later. . .

"So of our new recruits, one has no sense of direction, and the other can't remember faces. We're getting quite the crowd, Marth."

"As long as Catria isn't our diplomat, and Palla doesn't go more than five steps without someone by her side, we should be fine, Caeda."

"STOP PALLA! THAT'S THE EDGE OF THE MAP!"

"Let go of me, purple-haired brat!"

"My name's Roshea, clueless lemming!"

"Come back and say that to my face!"

"Catch me if you can!"

"I smell a wonderful relationship forming, Caeda."

Reclasses Merric and Lena to Mage, and Caeda and Norne to Pegasus Knight.

The first ballista felt the full fury of Lena's Fire. The Ridersbane knight dueled Radd with an Armorslayer. Apparently, Armorslayer > Ridersbane, as long as Armorslayer hits twice. Caught the thieves, got Thoron, recruited Palla and Catria, and Roshea is slowly but surely turning into a rocket launcher (lots of Strength, barely gaining Speed). Gordin finally got another Strength level up.

Edited July 22, 2010 by eclipse

[eclipse]

I've gotta hurry, before the drafting tourney starts!

Chapter 16 turned into a Wall of Text while I wasn't looking.

Chapter 15:

"Merric, whose idea was it to put a mage school in the middle of a desert?"

"I don't know, Linde, but it's a great way to keep non-mages out."

"How so?"

"Those who cross the desert without turning into a peeling mess have magical potential, and thus are allowed into the school. The rest are given some aloe before being thrown out."

"How very--huh?"

"So long, suckers!"

The two mages looked up, just in time to see Norne, Caeda, and Catria fly past. Norne stuck her tongue out at the duo.

"Your hatred of fliers. . .is justified. Where can I pick up an Excalibur tome?"

Reclassed Radd and Palla into Myrmidons, and Gordin and Tomas into Archers.

Caeda caught the thief, which in turn angered a couple of Dracoknights. My archers shot down all that flew, while Catria gained a bunch of levels. Roshea finally gained another point of Speed, Tomas gained Luck, and Caeda gained Strength (unfortunately, she is being mauled by Catria in terms of stats). My fliers charged the clueless schmuck with Swarm. Afterwards, Catria went shopping.

Chapter 16:

"Look Norne, a fellow redhead!"

"I'm gonna ask Marth to set him free!"

Some time later. . .

"Thank you for getting me out of that man sandwich! I'm Xane, and I really wanna join your convoy!"

"Well, you look like a kid and talk like one. Welcome to the--where are you going?"

"Tiki Chews! You're the best, man!"

"Don't eat them all!"

"Who asked for your opinion, you green-haired weirdo?"

"They're delicious."

"Um. . .what?"

"They're delicious."

"They're not meant for human consumption."

"They're delicious."

"Marth, why have you been feeding this creep my Tiki Chews?"

"Long story."

"Right. Anyway, they're mine now, and--who are you talking to?"

"The narrator. Make Xane share!"

Why are you dragging me into this?

"I don't hear a thing. Maybe you should get your head checked."

I see we are in agreement, Xane.

"Wonderful! I mean, I didn't hear anything but silence!"

Xane, that's not funny.

"Lalalalala!"

Keep that up, and I will forcibly transform you into the Port Warren mascot.

"Eeep!"

"So you can hear the narrator!"

"Nope, not a thing."

Seriously, don't eat all the Tiki Chews. Once the last Tiki Chew fan is introduced, all of you can have a nice battle royale to see who gets the stash. Given your inability to do anything but mimic people, I think you'll lose badly.

". . .I hate you."

Good. Convince the green-haired dude next to you to do the same, and I'll give you a crate of Tiki Chews, all to yourself.

"But you're really cute."

"You can see her?! I thought I was special because I could hear her."

If I ever stop by your neck of the woods, I'm rearranging your face, Tomas.

"Hey, what are you two doing?"

"Uh, getting to know each other. Isn't that right, Tomas? Tomas?"

"Can you finish this story in your night--OWWWW!!"

"Is he talking to himself again?"

"Yep. I'll punch him whenever he does. Is that okay?"

"Don't leave too many bruises."

"Got it."

This is why humans aren't meant to eat Tiki Chews.

Did my usual strategy of rushing to the villages so I could kill the thief, then waited for the three waves of reinforcements from the north (so I could kill them all), then did some shopping and arena use (for Catria and Palla), then attempted to have all my mages attack the boss. . .but Merric interrupted it with a critical. Saved Xane, finished the map, and cheered when I saw that I pulled this off in less than 50 turns. I'm sad like that.

Chapter 17:

"Everyone, I'm HOME! Hey, who are you, and why are you in my old clothes?"

"If that old relic Jagen could mimic you, why can't I?"

"Because Jagen's a human, not a dragon."

"Oh. Sorry. Gimme a bit, and I'll be ready to challenge you."

Navigating the halls with my only horses being of the flying variety was most interesting. I managed to catch both thieves, took out both dragons (sorry Radd!), then did some creative positioning to get rid of the mage behind the walls. Once everyone was assembled, I had Gordin take out the Fortify Bishop, then immediately had Maria heal him. The VIP Bishop moved over to attack, then the Sniper showed up. That was Rickard's cue to open the door, which turned the throne room from empty to full of angry kids. Went shopping, then took the boss out using all my archers.

[Integrity]

Catria always mauls Caeda and in fact everybody in stats. Nothing special there.

<3

[eclipse]

While Catria normally turns out awesome, her stats at level 13 (at the time of writing), save HP and Skill, were comparable to her level 20 averages. At the rate she's going, she's gonna outclass Marth, who said "screw the averages" when it comes to Skill.

I'm on Chapter 21, but I don't have time for my usual creative writing. That will have to wait until after work.

[eclipse]

JUST finished Chapter 21. Let's hope my creativity doesn't get in the way of a good story.

Chapter 19 WILL be long, because Tomas opened his mouth.

Chapter 18:

"Est? Est, is that you?"

"Palla, that's Norne. Est is over there."

"Oh, right. Hi Est!"

"Hi sisters! What's up?"

"The sky."

"No one asked for your opinion, you purple-haired twerp!"

"Unlike you, your sister's cute."

"SAY THAT AGAIN, AND I'LL TIE YOU TO THAT TREE UPSIDE-DOWN!"

"You have to find me first!"

The two younger sisters watched their older sister attempt to chase down her taunter. Due to her lack of direction, Palla was no match for Roshea and his tactic of running around a tree.

"Ah, Palla. I'm glad to see she's finally got a boyfriend."

"I don't think that's the case, Est."

"Really? If he's valuable to Palla, perhaps I can steal--"

"Catria, who's that?"

"Oh hi Marth. This is Est, our youngest sister."

"That's Marth? The one with the famous convoy?!"

"Yes I am."

"Can I join? PLEASE?!"

"Sure!"

"YAY! Now I don't have to pawn off this sword."

"Est, where did you get that from?"

"Uh. . .a soldier dropped it, so I picked it up and--"

"There she is! After her!"

"Oh dear, no time to chat!"

"Catria, is your sister--"

"She's good at finding stuff! Gotta go!"

"(Did I just invite a second thief into my group. At least Rickard hasn't done anything that I haven't been able to weasel out of. Yet.)"

Before I continue, I forgot to mention that Gordin and Castor promoted last chapter. The former's doing okay, and the latter's murdering everything in sight.

Slowly baited the horses using Radd, Castor, and/or Marth, then let them taste the fury of arrows/Fire. Recruited Est as soon as I could, then rushed down a little too fast. I was sandwiched between the southwestern reinforcements and the troops on the east for a couple of turns, but I got out of that (somehow). Started experimenting with the Triangle Attack, and the boss was one such victim of it. Roshea promoted in this chapter (now he's an automatic shotgun, since he gained Speed on his last two levels before promotion).

Chapter 19:

"We've reached the Fane of Ramen!"

"Marth, it's the Fane of Raman."

"I wonder what kind of ramen they're serving."

"What's ramen?"

"It's a wonderful noodle dish that's the staple of many a teenager's diet."

"That made me lose my appetite."

"Perhaps I'll choose the shrimp flavor?"

"Ugh. . .I can't take this any more! What I do now, I do for the good of the convoy!"

"Castor, is that a--MMRMPH!"

"Xane, do your thing!"

"Right!"

Much later. . .

"Tiki! TIKI! I've got some Tiki Chews for you!"

"Ban-Ban? Is that you?"

"Would you take Tiki Chews from anyone else?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Good girl!"

Tiki sat down to eat her snack. Unfortunately, she accidentally sat on a big red button, which caused the floor under Ban-Ban's feet to disappear. Ban-Ban was last heard yelling something about a well before the floor reformed.

"So, how do you like the Tiki Chews?"

"Oh, I love them!"

"Do you want some more?"

"Sure! By the way, what's your name?"

"I'm Marth, and I'm the one that bought all those Tiki Chews!"

"Oooh! I wanna come with you!"

"Okay! Huh, why are you changing? XANE?!"

"Ehehe. . .long story. But Marth is nearby, and he really did buy all those Tiki Chews."

"Oh, okay. You're not a stranger, and you trust this Marth, so I'll go with you!"

Some time later. . .

"Xane, who is that strange human eating my Tiki Chews?"

"Tiki, pretend he doesn't exist. He's the weirdest human I've ever met."

"My, you're adorable. I'll share my Tiki Chews with you."

"REALLY! Oh, thank you!"

"Hey, what the--MMRMPH!"

Tiki, cut that out.

"I know that voice!"

"You're supposed to pretend it doesn't exist."

"Ugh, my first kiss went to a little girl. . ."

That will probably be your first and last. Great, did I make him cry? Sorry.

"Miss, you're a total prude. All I did was give him a little kiss."

You jumped on him, kissed him on the lips without so much as asking if he wanted one, and was about to do something else which I will NOT outline here.

"That's not a bad thing, is it?"

Please ask nicely before kissing others. Your job isn't to traumatize people for life.

"Mister, can I kiss you again?"

"No. Go away. *sniff*"

"Awww. . ."

A little later. . .

"Why is Marth all tied up?"

"He wouldn't shut up."

"MmMMMPH!"

"I need to thank him for those Tiki Chews. Mister, can I give you a kiss?"

"MMMPH!"

"I'm not hearing a no!"

"MMMRRMRRMMMPH!"

Okay Tiki, just this once.

"YAY!"

Reclassed Gordin to Paladin and Castor to Horseman. I need mobility, and lots of it.

Had Gordin and Castor turn everything between me and the last room to mincemeat, while Rickard opened doors so Est and Palla could level. I rigged it so that the thieves were unable to reach the doors before they died, which meant I could finish opening things at my leisure. Tiki got the Starsphere. I was so bent on leveling Palla and Est that I forgot to kill off Bantu. Caeda and Maria promoted in this chapter.

Chapter 20:

"I hear there's a really cool lance on this level. I want it!"

"Grow up, Est. It's in the hands of Camus the Sable, who is said to be--"

"I WANT THAT LANCE!"

"Hey miss, what would you do to get that lance?"

"Huh? I didn't even notice you."

"I'm Rickard, and I'm the only thief this group needs."

"Oh really? We'll see about that!"

"Both my sisters met guys. . .what about me?"

What about Catria indeed. At least she's learned the names of everyone in Marth's convoy, so she was no longer in danger of eating random Excaliburs, Fires, or arrows.

"You look down. Should I sing for you?"

"Oh dear. . ."

Perhaps some wishes should never be granted.

Reclassed Caeda to Paladin, Castor to Hero, Palla to Pegasus Knight, Lena to Curate, and Maria to Sage.

Forged a Javelin so Palla could take out the Arrowspate, then used a little creative positioning to pull of a Catria Triangle Attack. Meanwhile, everyone else RAN towards the lone village, and whatever got in my way was subject to Tiki's bad kissing. Used the random reinforcements to further level Tiki, while Catria sneaked just south of the Pachyderm ballista. Once I wasn't in danger of reinforcements, Castor and Roshea crossed the mountains to distract the General. Camus went down to Est's Triangle Horseslayer. Lorenz shared a similar fate (but with a Killer Lance).

Chapter 21:

"They fly. All of them fly. All of them will eat Excalibur."

"Merric, you don't have THAT many Excalibur uses left. Save one for someone important."

"Do you have someone in mind, Maria?"

"Yes, but I'm not allowed to say it."

"Why?"

"I got a hold of the game's script, and saw what happens next. Promise me you'll save one Excalibur use."

"Fine. . .but this had better be worth it."

"Oh, it will be!"

Reclassed Lena to Mage.

I had everyone regroup, then picked off reinforcements. Tiki gained a LOT of levels. She'll be able to hold her own, even after I sacrifice the Starsphere. My other units had fun, too (though in Rickard's case, he had a little too much fun, and wandered into range of one of the generals. He survived by the skin of his teeth). The boss died to yet another Triangle Attack. Tomas and Radd promoted on this level (not that it was hard to do, since Tomas was an Archer).

As a joke, I had Merric use Excalibur on one of the random Wyverns. By itself, Excalibur did 46 damage. Merric got a critical. Go figure.

[Parrhesia]

Foolish convoy. Everyone knows the best flavour of ramen/pot noodles is beef.

[Balcerzak]

"What's ramen?"

"It's a wonderful noodle dish that's the staple of many a teenager's diet."

"That made me lose my appetite."

"Perhaps I'll choose the shrimp flavor?"

Eww Shrimp flavor... Also, it's a staple of starving college students, I know. But teenagers? Isn't that a little young to get hooked on ramen?

Foolish convoy. Everyone knows the best flavour of ramen/pot noodles is beef.

Top Tier:

Chicken

Curry

High Tier:

Oriental

Beef

Pork

Low Tier:

Kimchee

Shrimp