Life

What? Aww c'mon, I'm not THAT bad of a person.

I tried up to Chapter 3 in the FE6 patch. Only one word describes it accurately. lol

Debilitator isn't that good. It's more novelty. You only keep levels. Nothing else.

Problem is that the ribbon that Ultima Weapon holds is a required steal. Therefore, Locke needs to come. There's other nice steals that he makes. I want at least one Hermes Sandels (for the Tentacles) and three Angel Rings (can never have too many). Alarm Earrings are also nice. The IAF also has a couple of Elixirs and a X-Ether for the stealing.

I should have used this one in an essay in school. Best analogy ever.

1. Setzer is actually forced in the WoR. He's part of the "Holy Trinity" group with Celes and Edgar. Sabin is NOT forced, hence his sitting on the bench. 2. There is NO way in hell that Rob is beating Russell. It's shameless to focus a season around them but I fucking love Russell to death. He is the reason why Samoa and HvV were interesting.

I keep wondering how the hell we snuck into the Empire so easily. Screw all the buildings and find the Returner to open the way to the Imperial Magitek Research Facility, also known as the IMRF. The enemies in the first part of the IMRF hold nice steals for right now. Sergeants have a rare Mythril Vest and Belzecue have some Phoenix Downs stored away. The Mythril Vest should take priority simply because we have a lot of Phoenix Downs and it will immediately be used (Locke's wearing the Kempo Gi while Sabin has nothing on so I'm sure that Sabin would quite enjoy it). Proto Armours hold Mythril Mails (Edgar wants that) and even sometimes drop Bioblasters (kinda pointless right now). Everything falls to Rising Phoenix, Thunder/ara and Judgment Bolt so keep moving on. The IMRF is actually quite straightforward if you're not looking for all of the items. Head down the stairs and catch a life on all of the conveyor belts. Eventually, you'll see... Really, who else did we expect to see? That being said, here is my proof that Kefka planned to destroy the world since he actually mentions reviving the Warring Triad (Gestahl didn't want them to get revived but I'll check this one later). Hop down the conveyor belt afterwards to catch up with the Espers. It's kinda hard but if you can swing it, force a random battle with Flans and grab two Magicite Shards. If I grab them (I'm currently writing this on my first attempt of this place and I am commited to NOT using Savestates yet), I'm going to try morphing some enemies into shields via Metamorphasis (on the run that I succeeded with getting the Blood Sword, I did not fight any Flan). In any case, speak to Ifrit to start a battle. This is another easy battle turned hard thanks to my constraints. Usually, I deck my team out in Reflect Rings and laugh in the Espers' faces but now, I need to beat them mano-a-mano. Ifrit has a 66% chance of hitting the team with Fire on Turn 1 and a 33% chance of upgrading to Fira on the next turn. Shiva will aim a Blizzard/ara on the first turn and still has a 66% of doing that on Turn 2. Blaze and Snowstorm fly past Runic but there's enough stuff there that makes me want to set Runic up as my proper defense. Offense wise, there isn't much. Sabin's restricted to Raging Fist against Ifrit and Rising Phoenix on Shiva. Celes is doing squat (she can't even damage Shiva), Locke's item boy and Edgar is jumping like there's no tomorrow (Shiva sports a Defense of 200 and Ifrit's is even higher at 215). Edgar's jumps are more for show and so that he doesn't get hit since Rising Phoenix is the only thing doing significant damage. So forget trying to kill Ifrit (damage him so that Var3 hits a value of 5 and he switches) and go after the ice goddess. Once you calm the pair down, speak to Ifrit and then Shiva. Grab ONLY Shiva and leave. Yeah, fuck Ifrit and his 5x Fira and 10x Fire. It's not like you need him... Aww man... In any case, put Shiva on Edgar. She teaches Blizzard, Blizzara, Rasp, Osmose (thank you God) and Cure. That is fantastic. Once you leave the Pit, the enemies change along with the steals. Generals have Mythril Shields for the taking while Destroyers will ALWAYS carry the Flash Tool (you want this). The nice thing about Destroyers is that when they're alone, they alternate between Attack and Reraise, which they don't have enough MP for. Sucks to be them. Disclaimer: If you ever try to do this type of run, the Blood Sword is the MOST important steal in the game, with the exception of the Dragoon Boots. However, you have multiple chances at the Dragoon Boots and can abuse saves to do it. For the Blood Sword, you have to redo the entire IMRF to try again. And he's got a Rune Sword in the common slot. Ready to have some fun? Locke managed to steal the Blood Sword on his first steal attempt. On my first try. Fuck. Yes. Locke. After that, it was simply a matter of killing the guy and getting away with it. Edgar uses Flash, Sabin has Aura Cannon and Locke attacks. As for Celes, summoning Ramuh comes first and afterwards, it's Runic time to counter Barrier Change. In my case, he changed himself to a Holy weakness and Sabin made him pay dearly for it. After defeating Number 024, unequip Celes of everything. She's going to be leaving the party between now and the end of the Floating Continent, which sucks because I kinda need to build her up. Release the Espers and bask in the joy of finally having good stuff around. Finally, good stuff! Equip Edgar with Carbuncle (I'm not crazy, he needs to learn Teleport ASAP), Unicorn goes to Locke and Sabin can get whatever he wants. I prefer Phantom for the cart ride in most cases but Maduin and Bismarck can work too. If the last time they did this to me was a slap in the face, this one is a flat out kick in the balls with metal boots. The IMRF is not fun at all and I really want to save. Instead, I still have to face two bosses before escaping the place with the Blood Sword intact. Great. The Magna Roaders are pushovers but this guy isn't. Most of the time, I'd have Drill and spells on Locke to help with the damage but in this case, Sabin's the only guy doing really good damage (Edgar's great for taking out the blades but Flash does meh damage on the actual guy). Summoning Carbuncle and Bismarck can really help while Unicorn does squat-diddly-doo. After that, take out the Blades since the Right Blade likes using !Rapier for nice damage while the Left loves Shamshir. And Shamshir is Gravity. Gravity sucks. If Number 128 sticks Net on you, stop the all out attack and concentrating on keeping your party alive. You cannot risk losing the Blood Sword. Head down the path and continue to cut corners. Setzer is so close... The last obstacle. Both are weak to water which means that Bismarck is a GREAT summon right about now. Setzer can do nice damage with Prismatic Flash and a bit of healing with Mysidian Rabbit. One of them has a rare Noiseblaster while the other has a Debilitator, also rare. I'd go for the Noiseblaster since multi target Confuse sounds nicer to me. However, Locke's once again on Hi Potion duty so throw them if you need healing. Once you're on the Blackjack after the Maduin scenes (too corny for decent jokes), unequip Sabin of everything. He's been fantastic up to now and it's time for him to retire. Head downstairs into the Casino to grab Terra. Once you're there, take three steps down and WAIT. Someone will come to you and you can pick your team that way. Swap out Sabin for Terra (she's mandatory for the next few scenarios) and take the wheel. As for Espers, Setzer is going to want Osmose ASAP so he gets Shiva (having Blizzard doesn't hurt either), Terra needs Blizzard at the very least for Flame Eater (hence Bismarck) while Locke and Edgar should be continuing to learn their respective spells (Cura for Locke and Teleport for Edgar). Fly the Blackjack to Narshe and you shall finally get to save. 4949 Steps.

This is a stupidly short update since the next one is going to be really long. Let me start at the beginning. There are 31 steps between where the Blackjack lands and Vector. There are also four vital steals that I need if I want to come close to beating this game. They are the Dragoon Boots (Wyvern) and 3x Green Berets (Joker). So basically, this requires a lot of reseting to get in as many fights as possible between now and Vector. With regard to the Dragoon Boots, they are a rare steal from Wyverns who have a Potion in the Common slot. Keep everything else alive while you steal since Wyverns will use Cyclonic when alone. Keep resetting until you grab those Dragoon Boots, they're way too important to miss. Funny enough, the Green Beret is the much harder steal, thanks to the Joker AI script. They have a 66% chance of using Acid Rain on their second turn, two of which will kill your party. When alone, they cast Thundara a lot but stop bringing out Acid Rain, which means Celes is a godsend. The Green Beret sits in that rare slot with a Potion in the common meaning an auto-reset if you grab the wrong item. Not only that but they only really appear near Albrook. Basically, you're sitting on borrowed time here with how long you have to steal them. There's two formations you can fight. The 3x Joker one and the Joker + Don formation. In the Joker + Don formation, grab the Green Beret and then kill away. The 3x Joker takes a lot more planning and some luck too. Locke needs to follow Sabin's first Aura Cannon with a steal attempt. Edgar then hits Auto Crossbow, killing the first Joker. Locke then needs to steal from a second guy with Sabin following him with another Aura Cannon (this is the luck part since Aura Cannon has a 50% chance of killing the wrong guy). Celes then sets up Runic and Locke is all clear for the third one. If you manage to beat out Acid Rain and get a bit lucky, there's very little danger and Locke has three attempts at stealing a Green Beret. Oh and that strategy works, for the record. Knowing AI scripts instantly makes Runic better (you can time it properly). Once you get to Vector, for the love of God, save. There are specific steals in the next dungeon (the IMRF) which are just as important as the two mentioned above. And if you mess it up... For the record, I managed to get all four steals in time for the IMRF. There is another point in time (Vector to Albrook) where you can make these steals but there's no real reason why you should wait on them. Especially since the Green Berets give a 12.5% bonus to HP. 4385 Steps.

Time for the Opera House scene. A lot of people like it and a lot think that it's kinda boring. I'm part of the later even though Ultros shows up. But until then... eh. Ultros does make it more fun though. That being said, doing it over about twenty or so times can really get on your nerves. Don't quit your day job, Celes. This is why I love Ultros. He leaves a letter about what he's going to do, watches everyone ignore it and gets upset about his letter not being read. He's an evil genius in the making! I want to know HOW he figured that it would take him 5 minutes to push a 4t weight off of the rafters. While we're at it, did anyone forget the fact that he's an octopus and shouldn't be in the rafters in the first place? And why does he have a 4 ton weight with him? Yeah, this isn't a mistake. If you hit the catwalk switch before hitting this one, you'll slide onto the stage (no steps) and come out with a shorter path to the catwalks. Believe it. Auto Crossbow and Aura Cannon are the keys to downing these things. If Sabin has Rising Phoenix (unlikely at this point in this kinda of run), use it instead of Aura Cannon. Also hope that the two Goetia and three Stunner formation doesn't keep popping up since Goetia can call more Stunners (which is incredibly annoying). Looks like this opera's a mess. Let's jazz it up a little. And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to... Keanu "Locke" Reeves. This is the single best line in any Final Fantasy game to date. I dare you to challenge me on this. Welcome to the 2nd Ultros Battle. He's technically got about 2500 HP... but since he changes places in this battle, faulty programming made it so that each position has its own HP count. Great. Basically, the general idea is to down the guy in 2 turns even though there's a very good chance that that's not going to happen. Ramuh does absolute WONDERS here. Don't even bother with stealing, Ultros has nothing on him. Locke is item boy for this battle since Ultros will counter all Blitzes with Acid Rain (sets Sap along with pretty high damage). I'd like to see Ultros' reaction if I called him a squid. He drops 2 Gil upon losing (nice...). If you just saw what I saw, Setzer undressed Celes and tied her up in the blink of an eye. Just imagine what he can do in bed with those skills. Setzer is a man's man. Either tits now or get the fuck off my ship. Anyway, Setzer will fly you to the Southern Continent. Save when you land since this next scenario is the most important part in the game, stealwise. 4354 Steps.

I will take you on, bitch. In fact, I challenge you to an official debate in the "debate section" for this one.

Probably because we're nominating good games.

FYI Dolhr existed in Final Fantasy 8. Nobody took it seriously there either but still.

It's.... Rob vs. Russell. Shameless but fuck it, I love Russell Hantz.

I kinda want to play it for the story (fuck gameplay, I can play FF4-6 and be happy with gameplay even though I don't like 4), not for how easy or hard it is. Besides, I want to know what happened to Auron's arm and why he only uses 1 hand for his bigass sword. Cloud uses 2 hands, Steiner needs 2, pretty sure Tidus has 2... what is this guy, Sephiroth Version 2.0?

Speaking of which, that bastard drops Bahamut and costs me 0 steps. GUESS WHAT I NEED TO DO BEFORE GOING TO KEFKA'S TOWER! Barret? Best? What the fuck is this shit? Clearly I know nothing of FF7.

Time to move on with the game! Head down to Figaro to travel under the mountains to Kohlingen. Screw the actual town of Kohlingen. There's nothing there that we need. Instead, head NORTH towards the Dragon's Neck to find the Chocobo Stables. Grab a Chocobo (100 Gil, so I lied about not needing anymore money) and ride it all the way to Zozo. Try to steal some shit on the way since Iron Fists have Twist Headbands and Rock Wasps hold Gold Needles (the first is rare, the second isn't). Once you reach Zozo, hop off to the north or east of the city. This actually minimizes steps (by like one but every step counts). Welcome to Zozo, land of the lying thieves! Forget the Chainsaw, just head down to the Relic Shop. The goal here is to get to Dadaluma before a Hill Gigas/Veil Dancer/Harvester kills the party. These things are tough bastards that hold Gigas Gloves (raises attack). It's a nice steal for Edgar but not needed. Watch out for Magnitude 8, it hurts. These things sometimes accompany Hill Gigases or Veil Dancers. They can also pop up in pairs. A regular run will have them dying easily (say hello to my little friend Rising Phoenix) but the problem here is that I can't do as much damage. And they toss Mythril Daggers on their third turn. Those do a LOT of damage AKA downing a party member. Try to grab the Silver Spectacles off of them but if you don't, it's not a problem. To complete the dangerous trio of Zozo, Veil Dancers can be found inside buildings. The second that they're alone, they will start flinging Blizzara/Thundara/Fira everywhere. Runic really helps with this battle since it also fills Celes' MP. And if Celes beats them to the punch, they're neutered. If not, enjoy using a Phoenix Down. Here we go. A pathetically easy boss suddenly made harder due to my damage constraints. Locke can steal either the Jeweled Ring or Thief Bracer, preferably the Thief Bracer. Once you grab it, pound Dadaluma into the ground. When he calls the Iron Fists (oh, he will), try to steal a Twist Headband off of them but it's not worth a reset if you don't. Just remember that they absorb poison so it's better for Edgar to move to the Auto Crossbow until they die. And hope that Dadaluma doesn't toss anything because that's an instant kill. Locke, I am your father... Naw, just kidding with you. Who would want someone as screwed up as you for a kid anyway? Look at where I am. Check where the other Magicite (other than Ramuh) are. That's right, I'm leaving them behind. This is not going to be the last time that I do this but it's not like I'm missing out on fantastic shit (Cait Sith is only good for Float, Kirin's a pretty shitty White Magic teacher but Siren's the only one who has actual good spells with Silence and Slow along with Lunatic Voice). Ramuh, on the other hand, has Thundara and Poison on it. I will get Maduin and Shoat later but for now, Ramuh is enough to destroy the IMRF. Once again, you get to pick your team. Cyan and Gau didn't get any better so let's go with Edgar and Sabin again. Sabin is one level away from Rising Phoenix while I have no good reason for why I wouldn't field Edgar. Probably because he's fucking Edgar. Time to head to Jidoor. Put Ramuh on Celes for right now (she won't learn Thunder by the time we make it but it'll help for the future) and just walk. Once again, Rock Wasps and Iron Fists have stuff worth stealing (Gold Needles and Twist Headbands). Once you make it to Jidoor, head to Owser's mansion and speak to the Impressario. I can't think of anything cooler than a gambling albino pirate with a giant facial scar on a fucking airship. That is cool shit right there. Also, Setzer is the final person of my "Holy Trinity" (Celes and Edgar being the other two) of the three people that I'm taking to the end of the game. And yes, he will get the Fixed Dice. I give you my word. Head to the Chocobo Stable in town and grab a Chocobo. Ride it to the Opera House and save. 3992 Steps.

I assume Merton is Meltdown? Some of the old names are pretty cool but I have problems with others. Especially enemy names (Resalopros vs. Lesser Lopros comes to mind). And with regards to the Main Gauche, the name is actually pretty cool, especially when you consider that there's an enemy with the name Guardian.

I really want to play FFX but I don't have a PS2 emulator. If someone knows how the hell I can do so, please tell me. Oh yeah. Colours are fucking annoying.

You fucking sellout. ;-) Ok, I'm not going to pretend like I know FF7 because... well, I don't. But there are some things that I want to comment on. To me, Matra Magic is the move for forcing early limits (does really good party damage and you can get it as early as... well, leaving Midgar). This means that Cloud won't be holding the first E. Skill Materia that you get which is a shame really since the guy makes a good mage too. I also stick Long Range and Cover into his slots. Yeah Cover could be on someone better but since Cloud gains a level lead on most of your guys, he'll have more HP and also benefits from Long Range. I also find it funny that you consider Ultima WEAPON a pain while my Ultima Weapon goes down to a 10 year old girl (I routinely bring Relm to the FC since I like Relm a lot). Aside from that, Cloud is the first version of Squall. You're either Cloud or you're not as good as him. Cloud's not like Squall when it comes to demolishing enemies but he's pretty damn close.

I wanna see more!

I'd like you two to try my famous poutine, in that case. Fuck them smores though. Too much work and too sticky.

Umm... that's me. Give me 5 hours or so.