NJ7009

In general, I found the Fates characters to be written better than Awakening. They do still have their gimmicks (Charlotte is a money-whore, Takumi is insecure, Oboro likes clothes) but there seems to be more to them than just their gimmicks. However, when Fates does a character wrong, they are worse than anything Awakening could conjure. In particular, the main protagonists (Corrin and Azura) are especially offensive from a character perspective (not to offend those who like them, mind). They are not as good as Tellius (in fact, they are far from it) but they are not the worst cast Fire Emblem has ever had.

FE6: Improve character motivations. Zephiel is mostly only interesting to me because of FE7. FE7: Give Lyn a bit more to do in the main plotline, besides being a head that talks. FE8: Don't have Eirika give away the stone to Lyon like an idiot. FE9: Combine the Black Knight and Ashnard into one entity. By the end of the game, I had more hatred for BK than Ashnard and that is just wrong. FE10: Give the Dawn Brigade more screen time and remove/rework the plot devices (e.g. Micaiah's farsight, Blood Pact). FE13: Give Chrom more of a role, since he is shafted a lot in favour of Robin. Also, have the choices players make more meaningful. FE14: Remove Corrin.

Oh my God, it's Astridd~~~ Great job on these once again :) It's always fun to learn more about those characters that you never used ;p

I kinda' had to rush this a little since the deadline was approaching. Also, I realised mid-way that Knoll actually wasn't there when the Sacred Stones split... but for this story, let's pretend that he was. EDIT: If the deadline is extended again, I may try to improve this a bit more. Title: Possessive Boy Word Count: Slightly under 600 words (Just as well the word limit was brought down :P) World: Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones Characters: Lyon (Main) Demon King, Knoll.

I don't like Azura. However, I very much want to like her since she is such a strong force in the Fates storyline. So, I ask for the best Azura supports in the hope that they will make her more tolerable for me. I am looking for the best conversations. Not the best pairing with Azura in order to get a good Shigure - I haven't unlocked any of the children in my Fates file.

To be honest, I completely understand why Radiant Dawn opted not to include support conversations and wouldn't request their addition in a remake (unless maybe for the Dawn Brigade). See, Radiant Dawn supports would be really difficult to execute due to knowledge gained in PoR supports. Let me explain. Let's take Ike and Soren as an example. In the A support: However, what if a player supports up Ike and Soren in RD without having gotten them to A support in Path of Radiance? In that continuity, Ike would not know that information. So, does the game ignore this fact and have Ike know this information anyway or are there two support lines? One for if they supported in PoR and one for if they didn't. If they had gone the two support line approach then that's a lot of script work. Especially since supports are supposed to establish personalities and most of the cast are already well established through PoR supports. If they don't do this, then there are serious continuity errors. I really can't see how a support system in Radiant Dawn would work, bearing this in mind.

I would appreciate a little more time too :) I should be able to get it done but the deadline is very close now.

I think a 500 word limit would work best. It is a bit hard to judge someone's writing ability if they write less than that.

To be honest, I didn't think you would go for these :P However, it would have bothered me if I didn't at least try to put them forward. I guess I just need to learn that most people aren't like me and most don't go around reading whatever is good with minimal preferences XD However, I have one final recommendation out of my own favourites... https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11626732/1/Last-Hope Last Hope by Aurumite (again). This is an Ephraim fic (but Eirika is also a felt presence). No romance in this one (well... Eirika marries Saleh but it it a background deal). This work is pretty good - focussing on the aftermath of Sacred Stones and the effect it had on Ephraim. To say more would be a spoiler :P I will probably go over and read your Sain and Fiora fic and just give general chapter impressions for this until something noteworthy to critique or praise comes up. Oh, I am not saying you won't improve. However, I am saying that it may be a while for improvement to become evident and until that happens, I will probably be criticising your chapters for the same issues over and over again. Not fun for either of us, that.

Okay, but I do have something to offer you. Although, these don't really fit your criteria... Fic recs! These are taken from my own personal favourites, so they aren't really based of your preferences. Future recs will probably pander more to what you usually go for. However, I maintain these fics are good if you put that aside. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11888295/1/Allies Allies by Aurumite. It's a story about the Nohrian siblings (namely, Camilla and Xander). Sibling bonding really, but it is very well written. This story also really helped to improve my impressions of Camilla. Warning for this one for its referenced/implied child abuse. However, the act itself is never seen on screen. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4733184/1/le-roi-est-mort-vive-le-roi le roi est mort, vive le roi by Measured. I originally was going to skip over this but it is pretty darn good at setting up an oppressive air. Basically, it revolves around Soren becoming what his father was; a tyrannical king. It is Soren centric but Elincia is also pretty important in this one which was largely why I eventually opted to include it. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8819492/1/Stigma-of-Chaos Stigma of Chaos by TheShadowEclipse. One of my favourite multi-chaptered fics ever and was a large inspiration for a time-travel AU I am currently writing. The plot is that Ike and the Greils were killed in the Tower of Guidance; now the Branded trio (Soren, Stefan and Micaiah) have to attempt to defeat Ashera without them. BEFORE you dismiss it because of the core cast (I remember you saying once that you don't like Micaiah much, as well as Soren) I would read until the end of Chapter one (not the prologue). It is a truly amazing, in my opinion. My only complaint is that it has been on hiatus for a good while, although the writer insists they haven't given up on it :P https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7355768/1/Tactics Tactics by Rosage. This is a fun one, revolving around the Greil Mercenaries. It is rather meta; referring to actual ingame mechanics. This is also dialogue based (similar to your own style) but it does it very well. A short, fun fic. These are taken from my own personal favourites, so they aren't really based of your preferences. Future recs will probably pander more to what you usually go for. However, I maintain these fics are good if you put that aside.

Looking back over my errors yesterday, you can tell I was half asleep :3 I love uni living! Okay, so I looked over chapter 3 and I came to a sort of realisation (that I probably should have considered before I started critiquing this fic, considering the sections I am reading have been completed for a long time). A lot of the issues I had with the first two chapters are present still in Chapter 3. The exposition dump at the start of the chapter, the excessive statement of things and the over-explanation. Maybe my advice would have been more useful if you were currently writing, say, chapter 4 and you could continue writing with my suggestions in mind, however. Now, however, this is a 35 chapter long fic and these errors are going to continue throughout the majority of it. I worry if I constantly say the issues, it will become redundant. I think I may just go over and read your Sain/Fiora fic and wait until you make revisions. Or, I could just give general chapter impressions. Or both. Do you have a thread for your Sain fic?

Yeah, Elincia and Lucia are as close as Geoffrey and Elincia. And Geoffrey is Elincia's only paired ending. It is easy to see why it is interpreted that way :P Oh really :P Soren is my favourite Fire Emblem character period XD. I think he reacts and interacts with people very much how a person would after years of emotional abuse. Then again, I can see why a person wouldn't like him. He can be a bit of a douche. Mia I only like because of her support chain with Largo - she is pretty bland to me otherwise. Geoffrey is okay in his Calil support... I have pretty meh feelings about him. So Fredrick, Ryoma, Silas, Ephraim and Sain. Got it. I won't expect many Ephraim/Tana fics from me though since he seems so unattentive in their supports but I don't care whether or not you like it or not. Fiora and Sain, though, are one of my favourites from GBA FE so I would expect a couple of them if I see them. I'll probably get onto Chapter 3 in the morning.

It's not so much that shipping isn't done there. However, let's just say that Ao3 is referred to as 'Slash Central' for a reason. To put things into perspective, the Elincia pairing with the most works is Elincia/Lucia... so yeah. Generally I don't care much for romance in stories but I will read about any pairing as long as the work itself is good. Honestly, I struggled with understanding certain sections because the writer went a little too vague but the work itself is pretty good. I shall bare that in mind for future recommendations :) It's more tricky, though, because I don't really know what you like in a book. Nancy Drew isn't really a lot to go off :P I have gathered you like dialogue-ridden pieces which are sizable so I'll keep an eye out for those things. And I mostly recommend romance stories because I know you have a favouritism for them XD But, for my reference, are there any characters you would like me to avoid giving you works of? Like works based around Illyana, for example. I think I remember you mentioning once that you are not a fan of Soren but works about him (or works which have him as a central player) are especially common.

I liked that story more because it flows very well. Her thoughts seem natural and whirring, instead of set in clear stages. But if long and with dialogue is what you want: https://archiveofourown.org/works/744164 This story is a bit interesting, as it's style is far from conventional. It is fragmented and vague. However, it still works very well. If you can get behind the style, then this is a good read. Honestly, it is a bit tricky to recommend fics for you. Elincia/Ike is a rarity on Ao3.

I took a little look over at AO3 and found this : https://archiveofourown.org/works/3964702 It's a reflective one-shot about unrequited Elincia/Ike. It is only short so it will not be a massive waste of time if you don't like it. The commas usage in this one is pretty bad (so don't try to copy them) but the actual plot content itself is rather good and it has nice flow. So, this might be a good place to start. Also, it is pretty clear that trying to explain commas to you in this format is going to be difficult on us both. Look up commas on Google; no doubt they can put it in a clearer way.

Basically, the person above is right. Every writer (or at least, professional writer) you will come across reads. Guaranteed. If you ask someone for writing advice, they will say read a book. To gain inspiration from other writers. Honestly, so many books fit the criteria I don't even know where to start. It all depends on what you like in a book. Ender's Game is a pretty good book. However, it is Sci-Fi and has no romance in it so it might not be your taste. Still could be worth a read, though, just to venture into something different. That book has no sexual themes but there is quite a bit of blood and violence. Not overly graphic but it's there. I would also recommend Tolkein (you know, the Hobbit, Lord of the Rings ect). His works are brilliant but there is death and violence so be warned. You could also venture into other fanfics on fanfiction.net and AO3, especially works with high favs/kudos. Generally I would recommend AO3, though, as the writing quality on that site seems a lot better overall than fanfiction. I would recommend you writers but we like different things in pairings so it's tricky. You should also consider that fanfiction writers, like you, commonly make errors so don't follow these like the law. However, the more popular ones should generally be pretty decent at execution. The sentence wasn't wrong because of the 'If'. Neither was your 'btw' wrong for that reason either. "If it sounds weird/awkward/whatever, then I figure a comma would be incorrect and vice versa." This is what you wrote. The comma here is not needed because there are no two clauses. "If it sounds weird/awkward/whatever then I figure a comma would be incorrect and vice versa." This makes perfect sense grammatically. As I said, you don't have to change. I can't make you change your comma usage. I'm simply saying that it is incorrect, that's all. If you wish to continue that way that is your choice.

At least you can look back on it and see how much you've improved. That's what I always think whenever I feel unhappy with older fics. If you are referring solely to the things I put in the 'Good' bit, I wouldn't feel too discouraged. The plot was decent for the chapter. If you look at what I put in the bad sections, I don't criticise the plot or the characters. I criticised the execution. The ideas you have for this plot are not bad. You pretty clearly have an idea in your mind of what you're going for and it is entertaining. However, your writing style could use more work in these early chapters. Also, it is not a bad thing to feel discouraged every once in a while. It is good to be able to look at your work and see its flaws (or have flaws pointed out to you). There have been times where I have written stories, enjoyed them, then returned the next day and just seen problems. Being dissatisfied leads to improvement. It's satisfaction that squanders writing potential. Of course :P I have a question for you, Ana. Do you read a lot? I'm not saying that method does not work at all. However, every single time there is a small pause in a sentence doesn't mean you have to put a comma. You will end up putting too many commas down. I would also note that in that example you gave, you are using two clauses. You are using a comma to separate those two clauses so that's correct grammar use. So, yes, it sounds natural because it's right XD I don't know what you mean with the 'If' example. You can't decide whether or not a comma is needed based on a single word. You can continue like that if you wish but it is incorrect. This isn't even an opinion on my part - many of your uses of the comma are wrong. A professional editor would tell you the exact same thing. I'm telling you this not because I want to make you feel bad. That is not my intention. I want you to improve because I have a feeling you want to improve, too. Fixing your comma usage is how you are going to improve. I know you are passionate about this fic of yours and if you it to be the best it can be, you are going to have to work on this.

Okay, so chapter 2. The Good "And tell her what? Let's make out?" Yes, this line gets a spot in the 'Good' section. It took me quite off-guard XD The Bandit/Ike exchange I like that bit. I think Ike was knocked unconscious a little too quickly though. The exchange itself was good. I also liked the Ike/Elincia reunion. It was pretty sweet. The Bad: Exposition Or, namely, the way you have gone about exposition. This was also a problem in the last chapter, although it is less bad here. You enter the chapter and the reader is immediately told everything Ike and Ranulf have been up to, as well as the current state of things. My issue isn't so much that you have done this, but the fact it's the first thing the reader sees. The first words of a chapter should try to catch the reader's attention and get them interested in what's happening. It doesn't need to be majorly interesting, but enticing enough to get them to read on. Especially at chapter 2. Inner Thoughts In Chapter 1, I mentioned that these sections could get wordy? Well, they got wordy again ;p Stating things You have a tendency to state things outright instead of using things like sound to bring readers into your world. For example, you said: "Ike was shaken back to attention when he heard Ranulf drop his empty plate." But it would be more interesting if you did something like: "There was a clash and Ike blinked, snapped from his thoughts. Ranulf threw his empty plate upon the pile." This is actually a pretty major flaw in your writing, more than this little section makes it out to be. The one you wrote feels almost robotic in nature. And this leads me to... Robotic Style Your style has good points, but it feels robotic in places. You state too much and, for all our talk of tell don't show, you do a lot of telling. You say Ranulf attaches his bag to his waist but you don't show the action. Like in my point above, you say 'Ranulf dropped his empty plate'. You don't show it through sound or sight. For example: You said: "He grabbed his beige handbag, strapped it around his waist as usual." My suggestion: Ranulf selected his handbag from the centre of the table, pulling at the straps to secure them to his waist. It was something he often did. Or: Ranulf clutched the smooth leather in his hands as he tightened the buckle. I don't know if this issue is just an early chapter thing, but it needs to be revised badly if that's the case. The lack of 'Said' You seem to be avoiding this word like the plague. 'Said' is a useful word in writing because it is a word our eyes have been trained to skip over. Words like 'informed' 'complained' ect should only be used rarely as the come across as stiff after a while. Over-explanation This is an odd problem you have developed here. I think my problem can be summarised with this line: "Gosh, he'll be so happy to see you." "As will I," Elincia concurred, a bright smile dawning on her features at the prospect of seeing Ike. You have basically explained she is smiling because she is excited to see Ike, after she outright admits it. 'A bright smile dawning on her features' is good enough on its own. You do this a couple of times so be careful. A lack of ambiguity "They returned to find the camp in ruins" "Just as he thought, Elincia was racing down the path towards him." You could make many scenes more suspenseful if you don't say what is going on right away. It's a bit of a cliche, but saying a figure with green hair was barrelling towards Ranulf without immediately saying that it's Elincia is more interesting than what you have done. Pacing Oh boy. Worst thing about this chapter was the pacing. In this chapter Ike mopes for a bit, Ranulf meets Elincia in town, Ike is attacked, R and E return to find the remains of the attack; find Ike and Ike and Elincia are reunited. All in about 3,000 words. That is way too fast. Exchanges pass by so quickly that it leaves the reader a little bit swept off their feet. Take your time. Embrace scenes like the one where Ike is attacked and fill it with tension, instead of rushing through it to get to the next part. There are also issues again with your grammar (but I expected this) and your really long paragraphs. I won't go into this again as I have done so already in the last comment but I mention this again as a reminder. This chapter, at it's core, isn't too bad but it moves so quickly that it becomes messy. The content is more interesting in this chapter, but Chapter 1 executes its content better than Chapter 2 so it gets more approval from me.

Eh, it can be tricky to show those things, I agree. However, there are ways you can do it. For example, saying something like: 'Ike tilted his head back and barked out a sound which vibrated in his throat. 'Elincia's lips tilted upwards, revealing white teeth.' But, then again, being that descriptive can get excessive if done too much. Okay, baring in mind your preference for little details, I will only criticise your wordy sections if it gets a bit over the top. I will also nitpick these sections and try to help you get the pacing right. When you use a lot of description, it is not uncommon for pacing to get a bit botched. Sound fair? :P This is the same method to how I use to work out comma placings. It is fine when you are just starting to work out how to utilize grammar, but it is an unreliable method overall. Commas are used to separate clauses. Specifically, the Independent clause from the Dependant clause. In other words, if one part of the sentence doesn't quite fit with the sentence before it you put a comma. (There are, of course, other rules but this is the basic rule). For example: 'I walked down the path, patting down my clothes as I went.' However, if you simply judge comma placings based off sound, you can wind up putting too many commas in. Even in the quote above you put a comma before 'btw' but this is incorrect. You also put another after 'whatever' and that is also wrong based off this rule. It's tricky to explain (I myself am far from an expert) but your method is unreliable is what I'm basically trying to say. I would recommend looking into comma placings online. I do enjoy a bit of grammar analysis, if you can't already tell :P

Yeah, my computer kinda' glitched out and posted twice :P I just rolled with it. Alright, I think I see a slight problem here. You are right. The first example does tell more than show but for something so insignificant as the state of the desk, telling is not a bad thing. If used with limits, telling is a completely valid story-telling technique. That is something I learned a long time down the line. Despite how it's beaten over writer's heads, you don't need to show every single detail about the environment. The reader is entirely capable of drawing conclusions on their own. Even in that first chapter I just read, you said things like Elincia 'laughed' or Ike 'smiled'. You didn't show the reader that Ike was smiling, you outright said it. And that is fine, if that is not done to excess. The 'Simple' example simply states the state of the desk because it is irrelevant. The reader only needs a rough idea. The album and the light are what's important, so the scene quickly moves along instead of wasting time. The 'Medium' example does this while being less blatant. The 'Detailed' forces the reader to slog through a long description. Haha, I understand British and American colleges are very different things though :P I suppose I see your point about the commas, but still. Try to reign them in (even if they are your co-writers errors).

No problem :P The thing is with writing which improves over time is that the first few chapters are the ones which bring in the readers. If the content is bad, then it doesn't matter how much you improve later on. It's good that you are progressing and it is good you are making revisions, but it's always pretty important that the first chapter stands out. You have indeed mentioned this co-author of yours :) The trick with detailed writing is knowing when details become tedium. See, over-explaining every detail is not fun to read. Most readers don't care about the exact image of a thing - they just want the plot to progress. If Soren had spent several minutes explaining every physical characteristic of the laguz in PoR, people would have grown bored. I am always of the opinion that details should only really be included if it has story relevance. Like, say you want to describe a desk: Simple: My desk was a mess. I picked up my album and turned on the light. Excessive detail: On the desk, the lamp oversaw my homework and my various school textbooks. My TV was also balanced on my desk, as well as my alarm clock which no longer held batteries and a photo album containing photos of my high school graduation. I switched on my lamp and carefully selected my album from the mess before heading back to bed. Medium: I stumbled over to the desk and pushed aside my homework to free the photo album. Flicking on the lamp, I returned to my bed. All three examples show that the desk is cluttered. They all show that the character is going over to the desk and picking up an album and turning on the lamp. However, the simple and medium example show this in one line while the excessively detailed one takes three. If a such a simple task takes so much reading time, the pace of the story becomes pretty stunted too. Honestly, a similar situation happened with me. In high school, my grammar was praised. Then College comes along and I score a 2 for grammar out of a possible 5 on my first essay. It is my belief that high school praises students for grammar use purely for including it. See, many students in my class had never touched a comma before they turned 13. So, me, who was already including them in my work, received vast praise. They didn't particularly care that I was abusing the poor commas like no tomorrow. If you wish, I could teach you and your co-author how to correctly utilize them. It can be a bit tricky without a guideline and some practice to get them down. I am also not the best when it comes to them either, but I'll give it my best go. Anyway, I will get back to this when I can.

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Quoting you since this thread is pretty dead and you no longer follow it :P Okay, Ana, I have noticed you mentioning this fic of yours on multiple forums. So, I thought I would finally take the plunge and see what it's all about. I will go over every chapter (when I get the time) and give you the good and the bad. I should note that while I don't necessarily 'ship' Ike and Elincia, I don't mind the pairing and have quite a bit of experience with their interactions. I should also note that I don't have much experience working with OCs so I can only really give you general impressions. However, I have BETAd many people over the years so hopefully this should go well. Also, I am not going to go line-by-line. Usually I would, but this work is rather long and I would be here all year. I will just be giving you general points and suggestions in terms of plot. Right then. The Good - Elincia and Geoffrey In general, I like how you have depicted Elincia (except for that long mourning about Ike bit but I’ll get to that). Your rewrites have improved the problems most readers had with her leaving. Geoffrey was also well done so good job there. Their goodbye was also heartfelt. - Inner conflicts Elincia’s inner-conflicts are interesting, but the way you wrote them is very wordy. You don’t need explain every single little doubt or worry she has, but showing she has conflicting feelings in small doses is interesting to read. - Azura I like her. I find it a little implausible that Ike would tell her his entire life story, but I actually surprised myself. Usually I despise OCs but I think it is early days, yet, to sing my praises for her. Also, a woman called Azura wearing a golden pendant? Wow, you must hate Fates. Maybe they ripped the character from you :P The Bad - Characterisation of Ike Within the first few words of the chapter, Ike is painted as a sort of blushing, stammering lily. Nothing could be further from the game's depiction. Ike never once blushes in the games (at least to my memory) and I can't remember him stammering in normal conversation either. Ike is very forward and to the point - especially with Elincia. He can be nervous but I find it difficult to accept that he would be so shaken by a kiss. - The cheese factor Ike and Elincia's romantic relationship is rather... cheesy. Like something from a Shakespearean play. I half expected them to break out in poetry, the sections were so wordy and cliche. You can express them being in love without having to make it seem so forced. You mentioned earlier in the thread that you want to go on to write romance? Such cheesiness ruins those types of books. Focussing on making the actions feel natural without over-analysis is usually the way to go. Here are a few romantic scenarios which focus on subtlety, to show you what I mean. "Elincia knotted their fingers together beneath the table. Slowly, Ike's hand relaxed in her palm and her lips curled upwards in content." "Ike kissed her briefly on the forehead before he headed for the door. Elincia waved and Ike nodded, his smile reaching his eyes as well as his mouth." Or, for a first kiss... "Ike's eyes scanned her face, a frown creasing his mouth. He slowly leaned forward but didn't move further until Elincia rose to meet him. They both drew in a shuddering breath before they moved. Their lips met in the centre, the sound of the other's breathing the only sound. Elincia tilted her head a little and he gingerly placed a hand on her waist. As the initial awkwardness passed, Elincia allowed herself to deepen the action." These are very quick (and certainly not the best) examples but they get my point across. I have gotten across a kiss scene in three lines, while you are still analyzing it half-way through the chapter. That is a little bit too much. Perhaps the worst part of the first chapter is how long Elincia mourns Ike’s departure – it is extremely boring. - Overlong Paragraphs Some of these paragraphs are ridiculously long. Like, you see them and groan inwardly. No paragraph in a story should be seven lines long. Not only are they tricky to read (as it is easy to lose your place) but they lack focus. It doesn’t take seven lines to describe sadness over your lover leaving you. (I would copy and paste an example from your story and then a reduced version but fanfiction doesn’t allow for it). - Grammar Errors This one has been beaten over your head quite a lot but yes, your grammar could you some work. You especially need to shorten your sentences. - Elincia’s reasons for leaving They are a bit better than the original draft, however, they still feel implausible. She feels she isn’t good enough for her country? Wasn’t that what her entire arc in RD was about? I think it would read better if she knows she is good for the country, but views Renning as better for Crimea. Or maybe she feels, since Renning was named heir before her, the crown should be his. Elincia has already gone through an arc in the games where she is self-depreciating. You don’t need to create another Those are the core points. There are some other issues which I will bring up if they persist. For now, I will just focus on issues on specific chapters rather than the story as a whole.

I'm actually a bit surprised Elincia's profile doesn't mention her crushes on Ike and Geoffrey. I like that. Also, what pretty artwork for her and Ike! I never expected Ragnell to be quite so big as that (I mean, in game, I don't think it was that size). It's impressive he can carry it one-handed, nevermind swing it. Ike is not very bulky in PoR, after all. Good work on the translation!

Ooh sounds like a fun prompt.