Ragnell Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 (edited) Feel free to give me any and all criticisms. I welcome any advice, and will probably edit my story if things are found that could be better. I especially could use help with grammar and punctuation. Edited December 17, 2008 by Ragnell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I wont be marking all the errors you make, instead, I simply come and read stories and see how well it is told. I hope you do include my character in there somewhere. Here is the data just in case I didn't give it to ya. Name Rad Quetz Age 18 Gender male Class wyvern lord for this one, if not, anything you can fit me in is fine AFfinity air Bio Rad Quetz is a simple wyvern rider who has a wyvern named Gharlog. It's a white wyvern and one of its kind, and Rad loves him as much as he loves woman. XD Rad is one who despises violance and will only fight when forced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 (edited) Oh yeah, and for those of you who have signed up, your characters will not appear for a while. The prologue is about Allen as a child, so I won't be using any SF members quite yet. And I plan to include everyone who has signed up so far. Edited January 13, 2009 by Ragnell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 AWESOME STORY! I enjoyed reading that. I like how you slowly building up the plot and the way you described the fight/practice scenes XD Its very engaging! I would like to join too if you don't mind. Name: Luxord (you can change the name if you want) Age: 30! Gender: Male Class: Saint/Bishop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 AWESOME STORY! I enjoyed reading that. I like how you slowly building up the plot and the way you described the fight/practice scenes XD Its very engaging!I would like to join too if you don't mind. Name: Luxord (you can change the name if you want) Age: 30! Gender: Male Class: Saint/Bishop You will be added, and thanks for the support. Now I'm sorry to say this but, I'm ending sign-ups for the story. I've got the plot pretty much set in stone, so It'll be hard to introduce new characters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Cool, I enjoyed reading the battle between Allen and Gawain. XD Looking forward to reading your next part of your story. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Another great piece of work. Just letting you know that I am still reading your story ^__^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 lol I am in your story! I wonder how is this going to turn out o.O Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 lol I am in your story!I wonder how is this going to turn out o.O You won't be appearing again till later in the story, so I figured you'd like to make an early cameo. And we'll see Ninji soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight of the White Lake Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 (edited) Wow! This is great! How long have you been writing? Do you plan to write for money someday? I actually only found two grammar/punctuation flaws, but they were too small to really be noticed. I will say this though: From your beginning post, it almost sounded like you would like to make this into a video game if you could. I think it's a WONDERFUL story, but don't think it could become a video game. I, like Judge Judy, would like to see how this story turns out. On another note, my favorite authors are the authors that know how to explain sword-fights or duels or other battles in an intruiging way without leaving out too much detail. My very favorites are the ones that allow the sword duel to seem to go in real time with lots of detail, to where the whole duel can be played in my mind. This can also be shown in your story. Keep up the awesome work! Edited January 24, 2009 by Sir Michael of Crimea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dathiason Kx Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Zelgius....as the Black Knight? Or...Zelgius; Begnion Hero? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 Wow! This is great! How long have you been writing? Do you plan to write for money someday?I actually only found two grammar/punctuation flaws, but they were too small to really be noticed. I will say this though: From your beginning post, it almost sounded like you would like to make this into a video game if you could. I think it's a WONDERFUL story, but don't think it could become a video game. I, like Judge Judy, would like to see how this story turns out. On another note, my favorite authors are the authors that know how to explain sword-fights or duels or other battles in an intruiging way without leaving out too much detail. My very favorites are the ones that allow the sword duel to seem to go in real time with lots of detail, to where the whole duel can be played in my mind. This can also be shown in your story. Keep up the awesome work! Thanks for the positive feedback. I've been writing since about 4th grade (although what I wrote there was nothing to brag about). I think writing as a career would be fun, but I don't think I'm quite good enough. If you want to read something really amazing, go to the link to my sister's website in my profile and read her story there. Another of my stories is there as well. As for a video game, I have thought about it, but I have no plans or drive to do it. Not only do I have no experience doing anything related to making video games, but I noticed that the story wouldn't make a very good strategy RPG. It might make it as a FF style RPG, but I doubt it. For now, I'll just try to write some more! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight of the White Lake Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Thanks for the positive feedback. I've been writing since about 4th grade (although what I wrote there was nothing to brag about). I think writing as a career would be fun, but I don't think I'm quite good enough. If you want to read something really amazing, go to the link to my sister's website in my profile and read her story there. Another of my stories is there as well. As for a video game, I have thought about it, but I have no plans or drive to do it. Not only do I have no experience doing anything related to making video games, but I noticed that the story wouldn't make a very good strategy RPG. It might make it as a FF style RPG, but I doubt it. For now, I'll just try to write some more! :D Do you mind me asking what grade you're in now or how old you are? Because, from the information you gave me, I could- COULD- assume that you are in 6th grade, and thus are quite amazing at writing. On a side note, how do you ask someone to become your friend on this site? I'm still really new to forums in general. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 (edited) Do you mind me asking what grade you're in now or how old you are? Because, from the information you gave me, I could- COULD- assume that you are in 6th grade, and thus are quite amazing at writing.On a side note, how do you ask someone to become your friend on this site? I'm still really new to forums in general. I'm 15 years old and in 10th grade. I don't think you want to see what I wrote in 6th grade. :D And if you're asking me to be your friend, sure. I honestly have no clue how to ask either. I've only been here for a couple months, and this is the first forum I've been on. The only friend I had for a while was a guy who made me his friend. Edited January 25, 2009 by Urvan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight of the White Lake Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 (edited) I'm 15 years old and in 10th grade. I don't think you want to see what I wrote in 6th grade. :D And if you're asking me to be your friend, sure. I honestly have no clue how to ask either. I've only been here for a couple months, and this is the first forum I've been on. The only friend I had for a while was a guy who made me his friend. Hah! No wonder I like your writing! We're the same age and (probably... at least Fire Emblem) share the same interests! Thanks, and I'll try and figure it out... Edit: Oh, is it that simple? Anyway, it's simply click on the name of the guy you want to add as your friend, and click, "add as friend" P.S. I like to write too, but I've gone farther (or is it "farther"?) than just fan fic. I've actually created my own world, plot, subplots, and lots of characters with stories that go behind them. Think I should post one of those stories? (Mind you they're shorter than yours) Edited January 25, 2009 by Sir Michael of Crimea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 Hah! No wonder I like your writing! We're the same age and (probably... at least Fire Emblem) share the same interests!Thanks, and I'll try and figure it out... Edit: Oh, is it that simple? Anyway, it's simply click on the name of the guy you want to add as your friend, and click, "add as friend" P.S. I like to write too, but I've gone farther (or is it "farther"?) than just fan fic. I've actually created my own world, plot, subplots, and lots of characters with stories that go behind them. Think I should post one of those stories? (Mind you they're shorter than yours) I'd like to read it. And I didn't really plan for this story to be as massively long as it's going to be. It just kinda got bigger and bigger as I extended it to match the game's plot. It wouldn't surprise me if this story gets to 20 or 30 pages. But short stories are good as well, especially the kind you described. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight of the White Lake Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I'd like to read it. And I didn't really plan for this story to be as massively long as it's going to be. It just kinda got bigger and bigger as I extended it to match the game's plot. It wouldn't surprise me if this story gets to 20 or 30 pages. But short stories are good as well, especially the kind you described. Same thing happened with my story! The stories that I would post here would be FE free, but I'll post. And remember, these shorter stories are only the stories behind some of the characters. My REAL story is, if I did my math right (because I split things up into events that I believed would take 5 pages to write properly), going to be in the end, well, *coughs*, 300 pages. Possibly more. *laughs nervously* Will I ever finish it, I wonder? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 (edited) Writing errors and criticisms. The first thing I notice is about the opening fight scene. Now, this maybe personal preference; but I believe that fight scenes in most cases should be face paced and exciting. Therefore, they need proper technique to match: a creation of suspense and immediacy is important. Shorter sentences can create this effect, and removing some of the unnecessary as well, for example. Wasting no time, Allen stabbed and made contact with his partner’s chest. The part that I have underlined feels like excess, and subtracted from the excitement for me. Allen grinned, “Got you again Should you really be following a comma with a capital letter like that? “How about I get you?!” Creid cried slashing at Allen. There needs to be a comma between "cried" and "slashing". Creid kicked his leg up, avoiding Allen’s stab, and hopped backwards losing his balance. Again, this sentence drags on too long and fails to create immediacy. "Creid kicked his leg up, avoiding Allen’s stab. He hopped backwards; but lost his balance." sarcastically, “Yeah Again, you follow a comma with a capital letter. That comma needs to be a full stop. “Huh?” Allen said cautiously turning around to look Again, there should be a comma between the underlined words. "Allen said" and "Cautiously turning around" are two separate clauses. “Oh wait!!! Although three exclamation marks are tolerable; ask yourself whether three are really need. Would not one mark would just as fine? Creid looked quizzically at him, “You still haven’t answered my question. Who is he?” A repeated problem. while Allen watched his father glare at him “Is this your son?” Do you not need some kind of punctuation there? It should either be: while Allen watched his father glare at him, “is this your son?” while Allen watched his father glare at him. “Is this your son?” than 28 strode You mean "twenty eight", right? Remember that this is literature; not mathematics. Allen sat impatiently in his seat inside the coach until his father opened up the ornately designed wooden door and allowed him to come out. A comma somewhere in hear would have been nice. He leaped at Zelgius and stabbed at his right leg, which seemed most vulnerable, only to be thrown back by a vicious counterstrike by Zelgius. Again, you need to create some suspense and immediacy in these fights. How about: "He leaped at Zelgius, thrusting at his right leg. But he was thrown back by Zelgius' vicious counterstrike." And think about the word "stab". Isn't it a word we connect more with daggers and murders? Thrust or lunge may be more appropriate, as they are more associated as proper sword fighting moves. ... and this is as far as I can be bothered to read right now. -------------- Please remember that fights should be fast paced. Using long sentences can cause then to drag on and kill immediacy. Think about your character. To me so far, he appears to be the same young, "naturally talented" swordsman protagonist that can be found in more bad fantasy stories. put your thinking cap on and come up with something a tad more unique if you can. Allen share the exact same impatience fault that most swordsman heroes have. Also, I urge you to stop degrading your work with insertions. I do not care what excuse you have; because it is worthless I assure you. No matter what you do, intelligent people or people who are not SF forum buddies are always going to raise an eyebrow when they spot a name of a forum member in fiction. Give yourself more credit than that in the future please. Edited January 26, 2009 by Shuuda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 Thanks for the advice Shuuda. In about 1/2 the sentences you marked (The ones with the capitalization errors) I thought I was using proper grammar. Thanks for the correction, it's exactly the kind of stuff I need. I'll try to change as many of those as I can. Same with the fight sequences. As for Allen, I purposely tried to start him off as the stereotypical swordmaster. But I plan on developing his character a tad more in this next part. The impatient thing wasn't intentional, but I find that most younger children are that way. As he grows older, he'll get more mature. I actually planned for Part 1 to be a prologue originally, but it got too dang long to be one chapter! The next part jumps 19 years into the future. As for member insertion, I think I'm too far into the story to change it. About all I could change is the names, because their individual back-stories will affect the story in ways I can't just get rid of. I know it'll kill you, but try to look past the names to the characters themselves, which I crafted on my own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight of the White Lake Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Thanks for the advice Shuuda. In about 1/2 the sentences you marked (The ones with the capitalization errors) I thought I was using proper grammar. Thanks for the correction, it's exactly the kind of stuff I need. I'll try to change as many of those as I can. Same with the fight sequences.As for Allen, I purposely tried to start him off as the stereotypical swordmaster. But I plan on developing his character a tad more in this next part. The impatient thing wasn't intentional, but I find that most younger children are that way. As he grows older, he'll get more mature. I actually planned for Part 1 to be a prologue originally, but it got too dang long to be one chapter! The next part jumps 19 years into the future. As for member insertion, I think I'm too far into the story to change it. About all I could change is the names, because their individual back-stories will affect the story in ways I can't just get rid of. I know it'll kill you, but try to look past the names to the characters themselves, which I crafted on my own. Technically, on one of those errors, YOU were the one in the right. on the Allen retorted sarcastically, "Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one" is actually correct, for his sarcastic retort IS what is being said. Otherwise, yeah, Shuuda is right. Just making sure that sentence is allowed. Also, another one of them said that the beginning sentence of a person's line should be lowercased. Er, no. Whenever someone is starting a new sentence, even if you have described half of what is happening, you always upper case the first word of a line that is the start of a new sentence. Keep writing! Oh, and I don't believe it's too slow paced. In fact, that would actually be a problem for the reader, not the writer. Just got to read it normally, not slowly. It doesn't help if you have a bunch of short sentences like "The duel raged" for no detail is inserted. Whoa. Did I just write that? I thought I was always the student of writing! Not the corrector! XD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 So let me get this straight, which of the following sentences is correct? Allen grinned, "The biggest problem is..." or Allen grinned, "the biggest problem is..." I'm totally confused. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 (edited) It doesn't help if you have a bunch of short sentences like "The duel raged" for no detail is inserted. Do not think that short sentences equals lack of detail. Short sentences just means an increase in the speed and pacing. A good piece of advice would be to write as much as you can, in as least words as possible. Sometimes, getting to point is better than writing excessive details that add little. Using too many long sentences can be just as bad, since they can create the feeling to the story dragging on. So let me get this straight, which of the following sentences is correct?Allen grinned, "The biggest problem is..." or Allen grinned, "the biggest problem is..." Either one of these would be correct: Allen grinned, "the biggest problem is..." Or Allen grinned. "The biggest problem is..." The first one is working under the the assumption that "the biggest problem is..." is in fact the continuation of a sentence which Allen is saying. The second one is assuming that "The biggest problem is..." is in fact a new sentence being spoken. It would be easier to explain with a different example, say: "Hello Jack," said Bob. "How are you?" Now, in that line, the dialogue being by Bob is: "Hello Jack. How are you?" (As two separate sentences.) However, if I were to write that same line as: "Hello Jack, said Bob, "how are you?" The dialogue been spoken would now be: "Hello Jack, how are you?" (As a single sentence with a comma in between.) Allen grinned, "The biggest problem is..." Use common sense: can you follow a comma with a capital letter? (excluding the usual exceptions of names, "I", etc.) Edited January 26, 2009 by Shuuda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 Thanks Shuuda. That was totally confusing me. As for being short, I get what you mean. That's actually a problem I usually have. I suck at going into big descriptions about scenes, because I want to get to the action. Apparently, though, I forced myself to explain a scene a bit too much! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_____ Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 2 little typos I noticed: And when you captured the bandits, did you give them a chance to surrender. It should be a question mark. I am tempted to demote you back to from the royal guard. "Back to from" doesn't make much sense. If I see anymore, I'll tell you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Luxord tipped me about this story, thought I would enjoy it. ...And I sure did! I just read what you've written this far, and I love it! Since I loved FE 9-10, it is great to read about something happening at the same time, with the same characters and all. Have you written many stories? 'Cause I think you're very good at it! I look forward to read the rest! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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