Kind of trying to figure some things out.

[Caliban of Sycorax]

So, I need some advice.

My best friend broke up with her boyfriend at the beginning of May because their relationship was heading downhill. He was talking about the future even though they've been together only seven months and she was getting frustrated about it. Also she didn't know how longer they'd last especially since she's going to college in September.

Ever since they broke up they've both wanted to get back together, but she was unsure of it because of college and whatnot. They still went to her senior prom together, and, not to my surprise, they got back together.

Not even a week later she texted me saying she was mad at him for being distant (her opinion of distant is not texting her in two days). She told me how she was upset with him and how he wanted her back and he was failing at it. The next day she texted me again about how he was making her nervous because a female friend of his was having issues with her boyfriend and he was spending time with her, and my best friend felt as if he was ignoring her. Not even a week later she texted me yet again with more issues about him being distant.

Now, in my opinion I can see where two days is a bit long, at least a text message a day is what I would do in my opinion. But that's just me.

Things were going okay for a while, but a few days ago she texted me yet again, this time saying how he was being paranoid about her going to college and meeting a new guy. She said he hadn't texted her in two days (again) and when she confronted him he brought up this. Now she's mad at him and she wants to talk to me about it.

To be honest I'm getting annoyed at hearing about her problems. I thought it was a bad idea for them to get back together in the first place, especially after not even three weeks. Within the first week and a half she texted me on three separate occasions with a different complaint about him. And this time this week makes four times, and they haven't even been back together for a month. In the seven months they were together the first time she never complained like this. It's annoying me and I don't know how much more I can handle. We're best friends, we vent to each other, but not like this. It's usually a one-and-done for us.

She wants to call me later so she can vent, but I don't really want to talk to her, but we're best friends, and I'm going to. But I don't want to hear "this and that about my boyfriend" because I'm sick of it.

My perspective on the whole relationship, as an outsider, is that the two of them are pulling from opposite directions in a tug-of-war. They each want to control the other and when they can't exert their control they get frustrated. My parents said they were both being immature and I agreed. I don't believe it's a good relationship and I don't think she should stay with him any more.

This isn't my relationship, so I can't tell her what to do. I'm going to give her advice like I do but it's up to her to fix the issues, even if that means breaking up again.

I just don't know what to do about it anymore, and I was wondering if anyone could help me out.

[Mikethfc]

A quick fix for you would be to tell her your phone is lost/broken/your sim card has been locked, for them it will be like pissing on an oil fire.

You could try saying something like if they need you to keep on getting involved it won't work and they need to sort it out between themselves. Good chance that will annoy her though, pretty thin ice.

[Ansem]

Well, if shes complaining about her boyfriend so much to you, she obviously wants some sort of input from you. Since you don't seem to be giving any(at least from what I can gather), shes continuing to bother you, hoping that you'd give her some sort of advice. My advice, tell her to break up with her BF. Not only will you be free, she wont have any troubles.

[Caliban of Sycorax]

I've been giving her advice, and it's seemed to work, because she went two week without complaining about anything. But I'm just annoyed because it's not seeming to stop, and it's getting to the point where I want to tell her to just break up with him.

[Ansem]

Then why dont you?

[Original Alear]

This sounds like an extremely complex social dance, and the first thing is to realize that there is probably no quick fix that might not get you in trouble. Moreover, I am not particularly good at such things. That being said, since we SF members have "all the time in the world" to help you, we can discuss this at a complex level instead of simply telling you "give up and do what YOU want to do."

(Says this without reading anything you had to say)

If you are posting for advice here, you too are asserting a level of control and influence over the relationship and asking if you should use that control in any way. That is not a bad thing. This relationship sounds potentially (I do not judge quickly, if at all, and I saw no definitive indication of physical abuse) damaging.

By the way, aren't you judging the entire relationship from one person's point of view? If you are playing for the girl's team, SAY IT dammit, cuz right now you're getting all the information from her as best I can tell.

EDIT-For my part, I've already gotten death threats if I try and break up with serenes forest, so you might imagine how I feel. :P That being said I think I will dance with Waha Knife soon.

Edited June 24, 2011 by SeverIan

[whase]

just tell her this is something she has to figure out for herself. tell her your opinion, but also tell her that you will support her with whatever her choice will be.

(fair warning: I've never been in any relationship, nor do I have any friends who come to me for advice. so maybe I'm not the person you should listen to...)

[Caliban of Sycorax]

By the way, aren't you judging the entire relationship from one person's point of view? If you are playing for the girl's team, SAY IT dammit, cuz right now you're getting all the information from her as best I can tell.

I essentially am on her side but I think she's being selfish and controlling at the same time. I'm trying to help her with her problem.

[Original Alear]

I essentially am on her side but I think she's being selfish and controlling at the same time. I'm trying to help her with her problem.

Got it. At least now we have motivation established. Now, with the hope that you will be granted immunity from trolls accusing you of having selfish ends (dating her etc) I will ask, when you say help her with the problem, you mean either put the relationship into a 'healthy' position or end it entirely, right?

I would agree that she should break up with this guy, but I lack your experience with the relationship and you lack hers. That being said, the fact that he seems unable to focus that well (i.e. modulating between distant future and her) seems to suggest that he isn't really ready to commit to a relationship. That is the verdict I think that most people would deliver - our current worldview dictates this relationship is unhealthy. The question comes, how are you going to break it to her? The rest of this post, following the next paragraph, contains suggestions in that regard.

Now, that is not actually MY opinion on how a relationship should actually work. I think that a real, true relationship that is really healthy comes with the understanding that the other person is not the world, but slowly comes to a point where it is very hard to distinguish (though I do not think, for instance, handing the villain a button to blow up a city for your girlfriend is the right choice, unless its part of a plan to save the girl and the city). Therefore, the idea that either person should start the relationship being entirely focused on the other is flawed. So, a relationship should start unfocused and become more focused, and if it can't focus, maybe then it should break off.

(For my part, I've made my choice, but it's an online thing so it's really really problematic since for all I know, the person I'm interested in is a guy, though has claimed to be a girl. Still would like to be friends with him IRL considering the kindness shown on a verbal level. As you might have noticed from my posts, I am not going to care too much no matter what happens, but I would like to get to know this person better and, if a woman possibly pursue a relationship. That's as open-minded as I can be.)

Back to the current view in America, for people of the general age we are on Serenes, as to how a relationship should go and how you should try and get her out of this very likely unhealthy relationship:

He was talking about the future even though they've been together only seven months and she was getting frustrated about it.

I don't think 7 months is a bad time to start talking about the future, do you? I mean, was he proposing marriage? That's a little much out of high school! That's an unstable period! But talking about marriage even, I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, though proposing is IMO way too much to ask of most people at that age.

That being said, if she explicitly said she DIDN'T want to talk about it and he kept talking about it, or gave some pretty explicit cues with facial or mood type stuff, there's a problem you might want to point out to her with his attitude to help get her out of this relationship.

Also she didn't know how longer they'd last especially since she's going to college in September.

All the more reason to TALK about the future instead of avoiding the problem.

Not even a week later she texted me saying she was mad at him for being distant (her opinion of distant is not texting her in two days). She told me how she was upset with him and how he wanted her back and he was failing at it. The next day she texted me again about how he was making her nervous because a female friend of his was having issues with her boyfriend and he was spending time with her, and my best friend felt as if he was ignoring her. Not even a week later she texted me yet again with more issues about him being distant.

Depends on what he is going through, IMO, but I agree that if most people feel he is ignoring her, it's another problem. If she feels this guy doesn't pay any attention to her, maybe he's just not her type. Consider pointing this out to her: he may be a great guy who is not so great for her.

(god I sound like a self help book, wouldn't entirely mind being shot right now)

She wants to call me later so she can vent, but I don't really want to talk to her, but we're best friends, and I'm going to. But I don't want to hear "this and that about my boyfriend" because I'm sick of it.

OK, it may be unrealistic to hope for someone so focused on bf/gf problems to actually avoid this topic, so if you don't think you can stand up to that kind of conversation, then you might want to tell her you don't feel up to talking with her about it right now. Be honest and explicit. Tell her you have a lot of stress on your mind and that you can't handle hers as well, even though you care about her and want to support her. Consider proposing that if she can tone it down, you will listen as best you can.

But the most important thing, in my view, is to be honest about your own limitations and ask her to be honest about hers, and if you can't do that I don't think you will get anywhere.

EDIT-I think both sides have unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should be, and neither side is ready yet.

Edited June 24, 2011 by SeverIan

[Caliban of Sycorax]

To answer your first part, I am not being selfish in this, first off I'm gay and she's straight. I want this relationship to be either healthier or end, whichever is better in the end.

We just talked on the phone, she saw him today and it's back in the cycle of he acted normal. They're actually talking on the phone now, so who knows.

She told me though that she doesn't think it will last if he keeps it up, which I agreed with. I also informed her about the fact she texted me three times within a week and a half about him. She agreed that it wasn't good.

I don't think 7 months is a bad time to start talking about the future, do you? I mean, was he proposing marriage? That's a little much out of high school! That's an unstable period! But talking about marriage even, I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, though proposing is IMO way too much to ask of most people at that age.

That's what he was talking about. And she was unsure of the relationship because he was talking about marriage. She doesn't want to marry until after she graduates college.

All the more reason to TALK about the future instead of avoiding the problem.

The way he mentioned the future was paranoid and unsure of what she'd do. He told her he was afraid she would find another guy even though she made it explicit she wouldn't cheat on him.

[Original Alear]

To answer your first part, I am not being selfish in this, first off I'm gay and she's straight. I want this relationship to be either healthier or end, whichever is better in the end.

Hey, I was trying to extend immunity for a reason, to say: you don't even need to answer this, I am taking you completely at your word cuz I trust you to tell me the truth.

That's what he was talking about. And she was unsure of the relationship because he was talking about marriage. She doesn't want to marry until after she graduates college.

Then having confirmed that, the guy should have backed off on the marriage bit for 4 years, but been persistent about making sure that she is serious about the relationship. If she's not serious, he has a right to know.

The way he mentioned the future was paranoid and unsure of what she'd do. He told her he was afraid she would find another guy even though she made it explicit she wouldn't cheat on him.

Ah ha. Ya, he was being paranoid. Give the guy some time to balance out, and if he doesn't balance out, let him off the hook and swim in the sea till he finds another fisher.

(OH wait, it's the women who are supposed to be the fish, amirite?)

[Knife]

This sounds like an extremely complex social dance, and the first thing is to realize that there is probably no quick fix that might not get you in trouble. Moreover, I am not particularly good at such things. That being said, since we SF members have "all the time in the world" to help you, we can discuss this at a complex level instead of simply telling you "give up and do what YOU want to do."

(Says this without reading anything you had to say)

If you are posting for advice here, you too are asserting a level of control and influence over the relationship and asking if you should use that control in any way. That is not a bad thing. This relationship sounds potentially (I do not judge quickly, if at all, and I saw no definitive indication of physical abuse) damaging.

By the way, aren't you judging the entire relationship from one person's point of view? If you are playing for the girl's team, SAY IT dammit, cuz right now you're getting all the information from her as best I can tell.

EDIT-For my part, I've already gotten death threats if I try and break up with serenes forest, so you might imagine how I feel. :P That being said I think I will dance with Waha Knife soon.

Hey Waha Idiot. I saw that.

[Original Alear]

Hey Waha Idiot. I saw that.

I already did the dance. I merely meant a dance of PM'ing and some posts. I still live in fear of your mortal blade, as I am sworn not to fight against it and hope the end you bring me will be quick and painless but, if I am at my best, I have no way of stopping you from doing far worse.