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Emerald LP


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Notes: My team is planned out, and I've never played to the end of Gen 3 before. Also, the protagonist is a total asshole.

Also, this will probably never be updated.

"Hold the torch, Higgins."

"Right, sir."

Dutifully, Higgins picked up the torch from his leader. They hadn't thought they'd find much in this abandoned wasteland. Battles between Pokemon had left the land a ruin an aeon ago, and most survivors had fled to Orre. It was only now some people were struck by wanderlust, else bloodlust or in some case pure heroism. The heroes were always the first to fall.

Slowly, they were reclaiming their old lands. This place had once been a centre of ritual combat, of honour and glory that could only be sated in a ringfight. Society was decadent, and felt it could last forever.

It didn't.

"I think I've found something!" whispered Lussifer. Higgins moved in closer to illuminate what looked at first glance like a set of moth-eaten tomes.

"Kenneth, they're just books. Nothing we haven't seen before-"

"Wrong, Higgins!" Lussifer almost squeaked in triumph. "Oh, so wrong! These are...clearly journal entries written before the fall. Bring the torch closer...yes, that's it. This appears to have been written by a child soldier around two hundred and twenty years ago. They say her name was... Calista Rainsford.

August 23, 1987

I woke, alone. The room was dark, but my vision flickered into barely recognisable shapes...like the manacles binding my legs to a wooden chair. Blast.

A spotlight flicked on, and I strained my eyes to try and see into it. A short, squat figure...evidently some kind of leader...


I tried to restrain myself from bursting out in laughter.

I failed.

"SILENCE, WORM!" he snapped at me. "As it happens, you have been selected to go on a journey."

"Selected... you mean-"

"Yes. The time has come for you to achieve glory in the Pokemon League."

"You mean, for 'Orre' to win glory."

There was a pause.

"Yes. I do."



"THIS is a LOTAD!"

I squinted at it.

"Yup. Sure is."

"This next question is vital."


I stared at him.

"You're a fucking retard."

He glowered at me.

"Right. Yeah, I'm a chick."

There was a silence, presumably as he registered this profound piece of information, before he finally said

"You're going to have to adopt a stage name."

"Stage name...?


His face purpled, and he looked as if he was going to slap me. Yeah, this is so fucking encouraging. I'm really pumped for winning this shit for my dumbass fucking backwater hicktopia.


I was confused. Was this the towering intellect of this 'great' professor?


Took you fucking long enough, you useless piece of shit-fucking little ass- *overdose of redundant expletives deleted*

"Right. Calista will serve."

"It had fucking better."


It was around here that I fell asleep.


I awoke, presumably where I had fallen asleep before. This time, I was blessed with natural light.

I was escorted into a house by a mysterious woman claiming to be my mother. Two giant, presumably native Pokemon were lugging shit around. I figured this was where I was meant to catch fighters, but how to overpower them...?

I decided to punch one.


This turned out to have been a poor idea.


When I awoke again, I was bid to find the moronic professor again and begin my training. There's another thing...I'm not even a warrior! Why am I being asked to do this? Why not someone, you know, actually trained?

Fuck this.


This is the fattest man I've ever seen.


I found a man in the professor's laboratory making the cry of a Linoone. As there was, in fact, a nearby Linoone in a tube looking very bored and reading a copy of Cosmopolitan, I decided not to intervene.


Right. The professor wasn't in. Fuck this joint, I'm out of here.

Except some ANNOYING FUCKING KID gets in my way. Told me to visit some kid.

Right. I can do that.


Unfortunately, we met just as I was trying to loot his house. Said his name was Brendan. Patronised me for a while and then walked off.

Right, time to loot...


Yes! My window of opportunity!


What?! No! I took it, I must've done, I...

Ugh! What was I thinking?!

The first signs of a split personality are made obvious here. It is becoming apparent this is a highly unbalanced individual, suitable for becoming a warlord and little else. It is no wonder they decided to ship her away to win this land for them. -K. Lussifer

So I left the kid, brushed past the girl who'd pointed me towards him, and-


Aha! Karma strikes!


"Depends. How much is your life worth?"

"Y-you're going to extort me?"

(Is extort even a verb?) "Yeah, pretty much."

"F-fine...whatever you find in the bag is yours!"

Sweet. I grab the first 'ball I see and toss it!


Needless to say, the retarded red bird thing I got kicks ASS.

After the fight, fatass takes me to his rape lair. Says it's called... I dunno, he makes some dumbass pun for its name.


Much better.


Fuck off, time to leave this shithole.

My adventure begins.

So first, I-

What follows is an extremely tedious summary of several equally tedious encounters, seemingly at random and providing no challenge. They have been cropped for the convenience of the reader.

-and then I TEABAGGED it in front of its MOTHER!

Yeah, I know I'm a girl. Some people don't believe me, but I am.


I try to go further, but some guy stops me because he's an idiot.

So I walk off. Figure this is still part of a test or something.


I still don't know what that means, despite thinking about it for weeks now.

I pondered it as I went in the only logical direction (north), and I-

Again, a string of largely random, pointless and annoying battle summaries.


Oh. It's you.


Of. Fucking. Course.

Now, good thing for me I took those other two pokeballs, because this-





Okay, what. I took that shit, damn it! And I can't find the second, either...well, that fucker sure is ugly. And he called it 'Mudkip'. Idiot.

Time to break shit in half.

It tackled Jagen, so I scratched it back. I then scratched it again, but it tackled me. Then I took it by surprise, scratching it, but- yeah, I'll be honest, these low-level fights kind of BLOW.


And he runs away. The dumb FUCK. At least I managed to mug 300 bucks off the fucker. That's, like, a potion.


Shit, I USED a potion just FIGHTING the bastard! Fuck!


Who is this crazy person claiming to be my mother?


I think it's just some robot they programmed into thinking I matter to it. Or a total fucking moron.

S/He/It gave me some shoes, and claimed I could run now. ...I've always been able to run. I don't think shoes make that much of a difference.

Oh, well. I brush past the guy who wanted to sketch footprints or whatever-


-and walked into a clearing.

...Goddammit, I hate these people.





That was easy.

Unfortunately, I then walked into another guy.


So I beat him up and took his money.

I'm starting to warm to this place.

Maybe I AM going insane.

Edited by Furetchen
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Eternal PMS meets cuteness. I hope you do one of Pokemon Black/White (and do better than me, please).

I hope you do one of Pokemon Black/White.

Pokemon White


I can't be fucked to screenshot the rest, but I might do a writeup or something. We'll see.

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I wanted White to work, but it froze at the gym. It might have been a one off, but it also kills the battle interface at literally COMPLETELY RANDOM intervals.

Honestly, I don't think this LP itself has any room to go further. How many tube boys can you kill before it gets tedious?

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