This does not deserve a title

[eclipse]

This was written on a dare. The point of this story is to illustrate some of the things you should never, EVER have your main character (or any other character) do. It's a one-shot, because I refuse to continue this abomination of a story.

---

Janyne's golden hair gleamed in the sun, as she walked out of her house. The red Ferrari she'd won in the last Win-A-Car contest waited silently for her. The engine purred flawlessly as her car gracefully glided out of her parent's driveway.

Five minutes into her journey, she saw a car pulled off to the side of the road. An elderly couple stood outside of their derelict vehicle. One of their tires was flat. She pulled up behind them, exactly six inches away from the curb.

"Excuse me, do you need help?" she asked them. She saw their eyes light up at the sound of her dulcent voice.

"Oh kind girl, we were on our way to the hospital for my wife's dialysis treatment, when our car developed a flat for the third time this month. We don't have a cell phone, so can you please call a tow truck for us," the old man implored. From the looks of his clothes, he didn't have much money.

"I shall do better than that. I can drive you to the hospital. It's on my way, anyway." The elderly couple thanked her profusely, even after they entered her car. In a very short time, she arrived at the hospital.

"Thank you so very much! How can we repay you?" the woman asked. Janyne rummaged through her purse, and tossed them a spare wallet.

"Please, live life as best as you can!" She waved one more time and drove off, careful not to gun the engine. The money in there would be enough to buy them a new car, and groceries for a month. It's the least I can do for them. I must respect my elders!

Much to her displeasure, she was five minutes late to class. So much for my spotless attendance record! But that couple needed help, so it was worth it.

"Janyne, are you okay? It's not like you to be late," her teacher, Mr. Heinz said, worry evident in his voice.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Heinz, but I stopped to drive an elderly couple to the hospital," she explained.

"Oh, if that's the case, I'll talk to the principal. I think he'll give you the attendance award, anyway." She blushed as the class broke out into applause.

Despite her rocky start, her day went by peacefully. Instead of eating lunch like everyone else, she took out the sandwich she'd prepared that morning, and ate it as she helped two of her classmates with their algebra homework. After that, she went down to the gym for her cheerleading meeting. Homecoming was tonight, and she needed to make sure her squad was in order. She corrected a few minor things, and encouraged the younger girls. They had a lot of potential, and she was the person to help them!

The homecoming game was packed. Every time she led a cheer, her team scored! She hoped that Jayson, the football captain, would look her way. She was very interested in him, but so far, he didn't seem to notice her.

"Welcome, students! It's time to announce the homecoming court!" Cheers went up from the audience. Her head drooped a bit lower and lower as each position was called out, and her name wasn't mentioned.

"And now, the homecoming king and queen! The king is none other than Jayson, our very own football captain!" She sighed. It was to be expected. He was the most popular boy in the school, and just about every girl wanted to go out with him.

"The homecoming queen is. . .Janyne, the cheerleading captain! What a perfect couple!" She nearly dropped her pom-poms. This was a dream come true! The tiara felt a little odd on her head. Jayson looked at her with the brilliant blue orbs he was famous for. Someone passed him the microphone.

"Janyne. . .I. . .uh, really like you. Will you be my girlfriend?" She cried and flew into his arms. Everyone cheered, even the opposing team!

It was the most memorable night of her life.

[Parrhesia]

I WILL TAKE UP THE TORCH

and idk I guess Nightmare and like Kiryn can make new additions here

probably some others too

like Snike, apparently

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Unfortunately, that night in the remote Kentucky town of San Zanarbastre, giant mechanical soldiers invaded with an intent to kill every human in sight.

A guy turned to their leader, Admiral Pierceguardian Crushthrust. "We're incoming to land!!" he exhorted.

"I know," he smiled. "This is the final moment of ultimate victories! Because I must reveal... GOD MECHA!!!"

"GOD MECHA?! I thought that was just a legend... !"

"DO NOT profane the words GOD MECHA with your COMMON TONGUE, WRETCHED UNDERLING!" intoned Admiral Pierceguardian Crushthrust.

"You anger me!"

Pierceguardian Crushthrust took out his MEGA BUSTATION GUN and shot the guy in the FACE and it was the VICE-PRESIDENT OF CALIFORNIA

Janyne woke up from Jayson's arms. He was perfect. Blond. Beautiful. An avid reader of manga. "Janyne," he emasculated. "I love you."

The words struck her like an arrow from a bow. They struck her like a bullet train. They affected her heavily. Words cannot describe what she felt. She was pleased. "I love you too," she exhaled, and they had perfect sex.

When both of them woke up, mechas had taken over the entire world.

"Oh no!" wondered Janyne. "Does this mean the Cheerleading World Cup is over?"

"Probably," implored Jayson.

Then someone opened the door. "ADMIRAL PIERCEGUARDIAN CRUSHTHRUST HATES YOU ALL!" he breathed.

Then he opened fire with his gunblade. "MWAHAHAHAHAHA"

Jayson died.

"Noooooo! I loved him!" rambled Janyne.

"But you must die. Because you are an elf!"

"A wood elf?"

Everybody laughed.

"I dunno," roared her lover's killer. "A Christmas elf! Santa Claus is re-"

Then a fist ate his neck. "OH NO!" he whispered. Then he exploded.

A man with no shirt and an extra arm sprouting out of his chest came into view. "Janyne. It is I." He spoke in a beautiful, angelic voice, and he was wearing a halo as a belt.

"Who are you!" Janyne whistled.

"I am you're father. SANTA CLAUS."

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT EPISODE: The Unleashment of Furry Soulbondage Beam!

Tune in then, Egg Bastion Bros.!

Edited January 9, 2012 by Furetchen

[Bedskills]

I'd buy it :o

[Spector]

...the hell?

Okay, it's bad, but it could have been much worse. Needs for spelling mistakes, and she's not quite perfect enough. I think she can get to school after driving the couple on time, easily.

[Party Moth]

In the name of all the avid followers of this story...I MUST CONTINUE IT FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

But seriously, someone has to continue this beautiful work. The fans have been waiting for seven months! The show must go on...

-----

EPISODE THREE: The Unleashment of Furry Soulbondage Beam!

"SANTA CLAUS? ...no, that can't be!" Janyne mewled with horror. "I thought you only existed in fairy tales!"

"No, JANYNE, I am indeed very REAL," he growled in his angelic voice as he scratched his double chin beard with his third fist. "And your FATHER."

"But I thought my father was a humble man with very few funds and spent them all on my cheerleading," mused the distraught damsel.

"No, you were ESTRANGED from the North Pole at a very YOUNG AGE, separated from your real parents (ME AND YOUR MOTHER) by Admiral Pierceguardian Crushthroat, an evil man bent on conquering all of the world with his menacing MECHAS. You must have somehow been the only survivor in the CHILD PURGE he was initiating at the time."

She grinned. "Okay, I instantly believe you."

SANTA CLAUS clapped his three fists together. "GOOD. Now, we have no time to spare. We must head off to SAN ZANARBASTRE and stop the evil madman from continuing his reign over it." His eyes narrowed. "IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PLACE ON EARTH AND WITH ITS LIBERATION THE WORLD WILL BE FREE."

"But Father!" chimed Janyne. "I can't help with all that. I'm just a cheerleader!"

"You are more than a cheerleader. You are the daughter of SANTA CLAUS, and as such contain many HIDDEN ABILITIES that you must master before you can take my place as THE OLD FAT BASTARD WHO DELIVERS PRESENTS TO UNDESERVING CHILDREN." He snapped with one fist. "Now, let us mount my sled and hurry to SAN ZANARBASTRE."

With his snap the heavens pierced through the roof of the adorned cheap apartment building that belonged to Janyne's fake father and gave way to a sleigh led by nine reindeer on steroids (the most burly and dashing of which was Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer) and it was plated with flame patterns painted with the finest uranium available at the North Pole. "Let us ride to KENTUCKY." He raised his extremely bushy and well toned eyebrows. "Well? Would you like to give the REINS a try?"

Janyne laughed, "would I? Oh, Daddy, you work too hard to please me." She took the reins and with instant grace that only she could command Janyne expertly guided the reindeer to the sky, leaving Jayson's dead bleeding carcass behind for the vultures. They blast through the air with Janyne's extra inner skill and soared along at a pace unmatched by even the greatest and most well prepared jet. They sailed across the sky quickly and efficiently. They traveled the stars with great speed. They moved fast. It was indescribable.

They soon reached San Zanarbastre, and SANTA CLAUS hollered, "LOOK OUT! Here they COME!"

And come they did. With speed. And clunky grace. They were mechas full of the meanest henchmen to come out of henchmen school (which was like prep school only for henchmen). "Kill SANTA CLAUS! He must not reach our secret base in the mayor's hall of San Zanarbastre or the admiral will never forgive us!" He called out from inside his mecha.

"Uh, Captain, why don't we wait for his lordship to unleash GOD MECHA and prevent us from having so many casualti-" BOOM Admiral Pierceguardian Crushthroat's MEGA BUSTATION GUN shot him in the GROIN from their secret base (the admiral has an all seeing eye and is the master of surveillance) and he DIED because he was really the CO-VICE MAYOR OF NEW AMSTERDAM

And so they did battle

, but soon the mechas proved to be too powerful and too smart and too fast and too evil. Janyne's father whispered, "JANYNE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE THIS YOU MUST CHANNEL THE FURRY BONDAGE POWER WITHIN YOU AND DIRECT IT THROUGH RUDOLPH'S RED NOSE SO THAT IT CAN GLOW SO BRIGHT IT WILL LIGHT UP MY SLEIGH TONIGHT."

"Father!" she cajoled, "what if I can't do it?"

He shook her violently with his three fists. "JANYNE YOU ARE THE WORLD'S ONLY HOPE YOU MUST SAVE IT FROM THE EVIL ADMIRAL PIERCEGUARDIAN CRUSHTHROAT AND IN ORDER TO DO THAT YOU MUST POWER RUDOLPH WITH YOUR HIDDEN ENERGY."

She concentrated and it was hard but after a moment she managed to successfully channel her power into the burly and bulging muscles of Rudolph's bright red nose. At the last minute she murmured "FOR THE WORLD CHEERLEADING CUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

With a great huff of his steroid packed nose muscles, Rudolph roared and unleashed the full unleashed power of the Furry Bondage Beam upon their enemies in a frenzied blast that was only below the GOD MECHA in power.

"NOOOOO!!!!" the captain crooned until every single last particle of his existence was wiped off of the earth in the blast from the Furry Bondage Beam!

-----

Inside the secret base of mechas, Admiral Pierceguardian Crushthroat scowled at the fatalities of his many conscripted soldiers. "Curse and rue the day I conscripted the lot of you!" he barked to the wall. "This has been a most disconcerting turn of events...I had not anticipated CLAUS bringing HER to the fight..." His scowl transfigured into a jeering cackle of malignant inhumanity. "Nonetheless, I SHALL conquer you, hapless fools...with the permeating invulnerable sinew of GOD MECHA, I shall be INVINCIBLE! AH HA HA HA HA HA!" He grinned with an evil powerful enough to take candy from babies. "Now, Janyne...come face the wrath of....YOUR GODFATHER!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT EPISODE: The Final Battle!; Can Janyne Overcome the Odds of Her Harrowing Past?!

Until next time! (my shame has increased exponentially)