Fire Emblem Mikoto No Hisaki Part 1 1/2

[Jotari]

Null

Edited July 4, 2018 by Jotari

[Parrhesia]

exterminate

I hope this works out just copying and pasting it like this.

IT DID NOT.

Anyway here is a fire emblem fanfic of sorts that I have come up with. This is more based around making an actual game than writing an actual story therefore there is very little character description or inner monologue. It is entirely dialogue with sparse input explaining what the characters are doing, like in Fire Emblem games themselves.

Fire Emblem games still have a fucking stage so yeah you can still describe like mugs and shit

YES I AM BIASED AGAINST YOU ALREADY JUST FROM COMBINATION OF TITLE

YOU ARE LAZY FOR NOT DESCRIBING PEOPLE

WHAT DOES MIKOTO NO HISAKI EVEN MEAN

As I said I have a lot of gameplay ideas to go with this setting and characters, I'll probably show some of those ideas off as time goes on, I've already posted a topic about my branching classes. Anyway that is all beside the point. Just read and enjoy.

UNLIKELY~

Oh another point that just came up. I can't include copy pasted pictures which is a huge drag.

Photobucket is kind of a thing.

At the start of each chapter I had character portraits of Fire Emblem characters whom the new characters looked similar too.

Crazy plan: Sprite them yourself, seeing as this is gonna be made into a game anyway~

Oh well I guess you'll just have to use a bit more imagination.

DO NOT DARE TO INSULT ME BECAUSE YOU CANNOT BE FUCKED TO DO YOUR JOB AS AN AUTHOR

When I have time to spare I might re-input them using photo bucket. No however I'll just include the map as that's pretty important. Feed back is appreciated by the way. I heard there's meant to be separate forums or something for that though I don'tknow]

It's right there and called the Feedback forum

guess where it goes

Right let's see this amazing map

That is not an amazing map

The continent of Lazaros was created almost 1500 years ago by the Old Gods. The Old Gods created twospeices to populate their land, the Humans and Manakite dragons. For300 years the Old Gods looked over their creations maintaining orderhowever eventually they grew weary of the constant fighting anddecided to leave the continent. They created two indivduals to lookover Lazaros while they were gone, Alexander the Human and Aileen theMankite.They became known as the Divine Pair and ruled the continenttogether for 600 years.

This

you

okay so you're from Japan this alone does not frustrate me

but if you're going to write a story in English

kindly be certain you are fluent in English

I really do not think this is asking for much

Eventually they too grew weary ofthe unstoppable blood lust that plagued their people but unlike theOld Gods they could not flee their duties as easily. Unable to unitethe poeople of Lazaros alone they decided to create heirs to theirpositions. Thus the first King and Manekite Lord were born. The boyKing was named Setanta

Please tell me that he becomes the Hound of Ulster and salvages this story somehow

while the young Manakite was called Demne.They were raised together knowing that one day they would rule theland. They were thought the code of morals laid down by the Old Godsand were instructed to raise their own heirs the same way for unlikeAlexander and Aileen they were born mortal.

okay seriously now

What am I meant to say about this beyond 'it's just bad'? There's nothing specific beyond 'you cannot seriously write in English fluently', beyond it just ... sucking. I hope I can get more constructive later?

Also, manakete. It's a manakete. It's right there on the site. Or on the unit card list. If you're going to take elements of the game, do it right, christ.

However all did not go as the DivinePair expected. The manakites while not being immortal were made tohave a longer life span then the humans. As Setanta grew his friendDemne remained a child. Setanta became too aware of his mortality andbegan lusting for immortality.

Kinky.

He believed the Divine Pair couldgrant him immortality so he hatched a plan to capture and enslaveAileen. Using a small army wielding extremly powerful weapons hesucceeded in imprisoning the powerful Manakite immortal. WhenAlexander heard what had happened he was furios.He saved an induredAileen and banished Setanta from Lazaros ordering himnever tooreturn leaving Demne as the sole ruler of Lazaros.

Aileen disapeared after that neverto be seen again. As Alexander serached for a new heir to replaceSetanta, Demne grew into adult hood without guidance from the DivincePair. Missing Aileen who was like a father to him he blamed Setantaand all humans. War broke out 1000 years after the creation ofLazaros. Demne beileved that so long as Humans and Manakites livedthey would both lust for power and dominance. He decided the only wayto prevent eternal war would be to eradicate the Humans entirely.Alexander had discovered eight heirs but they were too young to leadan army against the Manakites. Thus Alexander was forced to lead thehumans himself.The war lasted 35 years until eventually Alexander'sheirs had gained enough wisdom and experience to wield the sameweapons Setanta had used to indure Aileen. These weapons weredesigned to destroy Manakites and so the battle for Lazaros rapidlychanged. With a heavy hart Aileen decended on Ulster Keep were Demneresided. He killed the Manakite Lord himself ending the war. Theremaining Manakite forces fled into hiding. Enraged by a life time ofwar the humans hunted them until they were seemingly wiped out fromLazaros entirely. Appaled by everything that had transversedAlexander also left Lazaros putting fate in his eight heirs to rulein his place.

The strife did not end with theeradication of the Manakites. Humans continued to fight amoungstthemselves. Two of the heirs died without passing on their legacy. Athird dispeared. The remaining five built kingdoms which eventuallyfought each other. Eventually Lazaros was reduced to three nations,Almac, Osteria and Evrae. Peace reigned for almost 200 years afterthese nations were esablished until one day 1443 years after thecreation of Lazaros, the King of Almac suddenly launched an attack onOsteria.

Eight years later while war stillravished the land, Tara, the young princess of Almac was sent to theborder along with her lyoal knights Matin, Cullen and Fion. Havinglead a sheltered life in the Almac capital she witnessed the face ofwar for the first time.

Ah, I've identified the problem beyond you being too lazy to include proper spelling or spacing. IT'S BORING AS HELL.

I'll give you one thing over a certain two fanslations: You spelt Ulster correctly.

Just some picturesto get an idea of the characters in question.

[No pictures]

You know I'd never really thought that the expression of 'keeping your promises to the reader' ever would've failed THIS literally.

Part 1 Prologue; The Face of War

New Characters;

WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY SPACES

YOU INFURIATE ME

Tara, Lord; Princess of Almac and themain hero of the story. Comes with some herbs.

Fuck me, a princess.

Martin, Trublader; One of the greatestknights of Almac. Based on Marth. Has a silver sword.

Who the fuck gave him this title? What do you mean, 'based on Marth'? Why would he use a silver sword? What about his armour? What about ANY of his appearance?! WHAT THE FUCK IS A TRUBLADER?!

Cullen, Cavalier; Tara's swornprotector. Has a steel lance and some vulnaries.

You're going to use classes and capitalised letters in inappropriate places and shit, aren't you.

AREN'T YOU.

Fion, Rider; Cullen's promising squire.Has an iron lance and some herbs.

...Why are herbs more important to describe than his armour

Does he even have a backup weapon

what kind of rider

ANYTHING ABOUT HIM

ANYTHING AT FUCKING ALL

Grassland area. Evidence of battlelitters thhe area in the form of destroyed buildings.

Tara; This is horrible.

Really, Tara? Your observation skills are LEGENDARY.

Fion; Who even won this battle I can'teven tell.

"Who even won this battle? I can't even tell..."

It. Is. Not. Hard.

Martin; It is best we do not lingerhere Miledy.

Did you learn how to spell 'milady' from an FE6 character?

I hate this fanfic so much

We are too close to the border to be safe. We mustreacch the main army as soon as possible.

Cullen; I agree, come princess. We mustdepart. Your brother is waiting.

SO MUCH EMOTION

Tara; This man is still alive. Is therenoting we can do for him?

WHICH MAN?!

WHERE IS HE

WHAT IS HE

OH MY CHRIST I WRITE STAGE DIRECTIONS IN FE DIALOGUE FOR A FUCKING REASON

WHAT IS GOING ON

Martin; If we had some experiencedhealers then maybe but none of us know the art.

In purely FE terms you have like three vulneraries right there

Tara; I can't just leave him. Listenhe's trying to say something.

Generic Soldier; Princess...Tara

Tara; Me? Why is he saying my name.

So much emotion

it's heartbreaking

Martin; You are beloved by the peoplePrincess. They will gladly lay down their life for you. That is whythe Queen as sent you hear.

Tara; But why? I do not want this warto go on. I don't understand. Why did my father attack Osteria in thefirst place.

Cullen; It is not our place to knowsuch things. We merely do what we must for the good of our nation.

Tara; But is this for the good of ournation? Why can't there be a peaceful way of resolving all this.

Uh... is still kicking? Like, you haven't given any evidence one way or the other

And no, a lack of access to description does NOT forgive your FAILURES to show ANY EMOTION or even EVENTS of ANY KIND

Martin; I'm sure if there was our Queenwould have found it. But such matters can be discussed another time.It is too dangerous to linger here.

Fion; ..! Watch out!

Cullen; An arrow, we're under attack!

Martin; Here princess you might needthis, just in case. Obtained Rapier

THAT WAS NOT ABRUPT AND POORLY HANDLED AND DESCRIBED AT ALL

So the first battle of the game begins.There are only five enemy troops against your four

SO WHY DID THEY ATTACK

(Cullen is also aprepromoted unit and Martin is a pre pre promoted unit). Pretty easybattle it's mostly reccomened to let Tara and Fion deal with theenemies.

OUT OF SPITE I WILL MAKE THE JAGENS HANDLE EVERYTHING

All theenemies are fighters labeled as Rebels, except the boss who is awarrior called Mc Coole.

Feigned ignorance: McCool is the worst name for anything ever

Seeing What You Did There: Plucking badly-translated names of random guys in Irish mythology doesn't excuse the fact that McCool is stupid-sounding.

Thing Kitty pointed out because she's amazing:

[12:10:43 PM] Definitely Not Kitty's Real Name: ...Finn McCool is the Fin of Irish mythology.

[12:10:53 PM] Definitely Not Kitty's Real Name: He has both parts of his name in this.

[12:10:57 PM] Definitely Not Kitty's Real Name: As different characters.

IRRELEVANT SHIT

Tara; Who are you. Did you kill thesepeople?

Mc Coole; No. The bodies you see aroundyou belonged to soldiers of Osteria and Almac. They're killers areeach other.

Tara; You are not soldiers of Osteria.Why are you attacking us?

Mc Coole; The real killers of thesepeople is you. You and your family. I know who you are princess. Weare rebels. We will use you to put an end to this war.

Tara;....

Mc Coole is equpped with the retreatskill which allows any character to retreat from battle and returnthree chapters later. Is retreat quote is

Mc Coole; This is getting to be too much for me. Everyone fall back.

SO MUCH EMOTION~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i'm lying you can tell because this dialogue is so bad it's impossible to care about anyone

After Mc Coole is defeated Tara, Fion,Cullen and Martin resume talking.

Cullen; Rebles. Intent on ending thewar it seems.

Martin; Looks like they wanted tocapture the princess. But how did they know she was coming this way?Not even the soldiers of the central army are aware of our visit.

Fion; Were they planning on using Tarato randsom Queen Mave?

I had to read this sentence twice, and I preferred it when I thought Tarato was like some kind of superweapon.

Also I'm assuming (by means of Kitty) you screwed up the spelling of Maeve or Mebh but w/e I'll pretend you were original

Martin; Possibly we best not dwell onit. Come we must go.

Tara; ....

Cullen; Princess, be quick. Those rebels might return.

(An archer character appears to theright of Tara)

Tara; ...!

Archer; Don't move or I'll stick anarrow in your precious princess.

Martin; You corwardly scum.

SUCH.

EMOTION.

(to be fair Tara's two ellipses and an exclamation mark was probably the most expressive bit yet)

(A mercenary's portrait replaces theArchers)

Mercenary; The princess is coming withus. Don't come any closer or she'll lose her head.

Martin; If you do anything to hurt theprincess we will destroy you.

Mercenary; Don't worry we wont. Justtell Queen Mave that she won't see her precious daughter again untilshe ends this war.

Tara; No, help!

Martin; Princess!

END OF PART 1 PROLOGUE

...

So, did they get her back, or what?

I'll do more later because I hate myself

You want more right?

NO. I DO NOT.

Alright. Seriousface critique mode.

1) Let us be honest here. Your grasp on English is comparable to that of a slightly brain-damaged hamster. While I hold no personal malice to you on this front, the fact remains that YOU SHOULD NOT WRITE IN A LANGUAGE YOU ARE NOT FLUENT IN.

2) Also WHY THE FUCK IS THE TITLE IN JAPANESE

3) Your backstory is written in a painfully boring fashion.

4) I am OFFENDED by your lack of care for the reader, shown by shit like no description.

5) Sure. It's being made into a game. This doesn't mean you get a free pass on NOT DESCRIBING ANYTHING.

6) What the FUCK is up with the spacing, fix that shit

7) There is NO EMOTION. This means it is impossible to GIVE A SHIT about ANYONE. What is Fion thinking? Is he simply observational when he says he can't even tell who won? Is he callous? Petulant? Like fuck even not saying anything in New Characters would be okay because showing > telling but the fact remains you are not doing EITHER.

8) ...And who IS Fion? What does he LOOK like? What are people's relationships with him?

9) And most importantly, why should I care what happens to him?

there's probably other shit too

Overly harsh? Maybe, but the fact remains that currently this is PAINFUL TO READ and I will NOT LIE JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

This is why I hate fanfiction.

[shadowofchaos]

WHAT DOES MIKOTO NO HISAKI EVEN MEAN

Ha ha. Biased already from that.

They don't have kanji on there, so here's my best guess from it.

尊の久木

尊 = Honor, dignity, respect, etc.

久木 = Surname >_>;

Hisaki's Honor?

NEVER MIND

"Mikoto" is used after a a name for a "lord" or "your highness" thing I think

Edited January 21, 2012 by shadowofchaos

[eclipse]

Two bits of advice:

1. Do not mix up cultures and names.

2. Do not use Word Wrap in Notepad, or it looks like this. Much as I'd love to comment, the squished words make it nigh unreadable.

[Jotari]

The lack of spaces was a copy and paste fail. It just seemed to have randomly removed spaces all over the place. I will edit it later to try and make it more bearable to read.