Rewjeo Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) As some of you might be aware, I've been writing a story and actually got pretty far into it (in fact, if each chapter stays about the length of the prologue, by the time I catch up to where I was I'll be at nearly 100,000 words.) However, some of the writing (especially early on) was pretty atrocious, so I'm starting a new draft. It has a medieval setting in a made up world, but don't expect orcs and fireballs. Feedback is greatly appreciated, or at the very least I'd like to know if you read it. I'll write and update more if I know people are reading it. I'm pretty hard to offend, too, so don't be afraid to tell me what's bad and just how bad it is. Prologue Edited October 27, 2012 by Rewjeo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Nitpick time~! There was the flash of lightning off in the distance. Way back when I was writing for my high school newspaper, my teacher told us to never, EVER use "there" to start a sentence, because it's a weak start. Being the horrible student I was, I only listened 75% of the time (in other words, I'm guilty of this, too). Something like "Lightning flashed off in the distance" gives the scene a bit more presence. Then, in a burst of chaos, a hole opened up in the outer wall, rocking the castle like a giant death knell. You can separate the "hole opening" from the "castle rocking". Glad to see that Jyron's got a personality, but Kertankuse seems a bit manic ATM. I know there's a lot more of him to write! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KitheOfEvrark Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 That was an enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this. I'm not particularly good at correcting grammar and such so I'll just give my take on the characters so far. Jyron-Seems interesting, although his behavior seemed kind of odd for a king. Kertankuse-Don't really know what to make of him at this point. His scolding Eirk for taking hostages seemed kind of odd given his behavior with Jyron. Eirk-Every story is better with a sadistic creep, right? Makes me wonder why they'd let a psycho like him into the army, especially in a commanding position. Seloh-Poor guy. Sucks to get owned by a generic enemy. Others-Not enough for me to get much of an impression of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rewjeo Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 Nitpick time~! Noted. There should be a revised version up soonish. It probably won't be different enough to be worth rereading, though. Glad to see that Jyron's got a personality, but Kertankuse seems a bit manic ATM. I know there's a lot more of him to write! Well, in case you couldn't tell, Kert and Jyron have a bit of a history, so Kert around him is a little different from Kert around other people. Over the next few dozen chapters you oughta get a better idea of he's like. He'll be around quite a bit. That was an enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this. I'm not particularly good at correcting grammar and such so I'll just give my take on the characters so far. Jyron-Seems interesting, although his behavior seemed kind of odd for a king. There's a backstory behind him, but I don't think you'll see much of it for a while. At least, that's the plan. I'm not the best at following plans, though... Kertankuse-Don't really know what to make of him at this point. His scolding Eirk for taking hostages seemed kind of odd given his behavior with Jyron. Eirk-Every story is better with a sadistic creep, right? Makes me wonder why they'd let a psycho like him into the army, especially in a commanding position. Seloh-Poor guy. Sucks to get owned by a generic enemy. Others-Not enough for me to get much of an impression of them. Kert- That should become more clear as the story progresses. There's a reason for it, though. Eirk- He isn't just a sadistic creep, don't worry. He's not exactly mentally sound, but there's a reason he's so high in the army. Seloh- Yeah, his martial skills are not the most impressive. But, hey, what fun is cast full of people who are all awesome warriors, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rewjeo Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) So, um, life got really busy and stuff. So here is a new chapter after a very long time. My goal is to write at least 500 words a day, regardless of how busy I am, so these should start being more frequent. We'll also see where this goes, since I've just created four new characters that didn't exist in the last draft and I'm only through Chapter 1. Edit: Oh, and disclaimer: some of this is the result of tired-writing, which has its flaws. Please point out problems so I can fix them. Edited January 21, 2013 by Rewjeo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I've read a little bit of your new chapter so far. I'm concerned that the second scene doesn't really serve any purpose in the story. It's basically a couple of characters wandering around a room with no story or character development. I'm wondering whether it might be better to try and work it in with the next scene involving those characters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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