LET'S PLAY something really messed up

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=Session 7]It's been forever since Session 6 which at time of writing I have still not posted.

Time to slaughter Hobbitohtheirforcessuck.

...

okay, that was less than brilliant.

Still not a fair fi-

...

Did I seriously lose my first commander to HOBBITON

Fucking hell.

She did kind of suck but still

ALRIGHT, YOU CUNTWHISTLERS

TIME TO STORM BAG END

I WILL SHOOT YOUR EYES OFF, TINY MAN

hey

hey guys

he's wrong

Meanwhile, the Tokugawas discover that maybe making Redwall such a bitch to take down was less than a great plan.

hey guys, guess who didn't lose that fight?

YES

Sadly I can't recruit him, he costs four and I have two. When the Shire falls, though...

Okay, time to break out all the stops! IT'S TIME FOR THE SCOURING OF THE SHI

mnuh?

whatever

The fact that this is all the opposition the land has to offer? Yes, that IS troubling. SPOILERS WE WIN

this isn't the choice i'd expected

but i think it's a clear one

Rance then immediately rapes someone

Thank you, game. I was almost beginning to enjoy myself, before you reminded me why I fucking hate you.

Things immediately get weird when we recruit Badger Dude.

guys I think he has an established character trait

I like the dude, though.

Also we can't blitz Cornwall on the same turn as scouring the Shire, sadly.

So they'll have to come to us!

ahah, ahaha, ah... okay, just... step back a little. I'm scared now.

We annihilate them, but fail to capture the badger thing.

Meanwhile, in Mordor...

IN A LAND BEFORE ARMOUR

That's a dude?

War? I can appreciate.

You know, I KNEW it was a little weird that TriForce had a nation all the way over in the west...

Civil War Rance, in which the only black guy is illiterate.

And thus Monochrome was born, in the heart of Mordor.

Incidentally, you know how Tokugawa was invincible because of their star general, a warrior with a fuckton of dudes and stats?

Pencil 'em in for a second.

Oof... this just isn't a B-team fight. Could get nasty. ... ALL OF MY DUDES HAVE ONE LESS ACTION.

Actually, the enemy forces aren't really all THAT much of a murdertrain. Still a pain, but...

also I won

but forgot to screen it or anything

stay classy, rance

Monochrome's soldiers include The Thing. I'm not fucking with them.

Oh god, this idiot's back? Chriiist. Hara Pikeman Dude also makes a return. I win another easy battle.

It's Sill's birthday. I kind of hate Sill more than I hate Rance because she is loyal to him.

Incidentally, the birthday kimono Rance gave her slipped off or something. Because Rance wanted to humiliate her in front of the entire royal court.

I hate this game and I hate everything about it, I hate the people who made it, who drew it and the people who think Rance is in any way sympathetic, anyone who thinks he cares, or even anyone who thinks he's a character. Moreover, I hate myself for this let's play. Fuck this.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=Session 8]

Right. Cornwall is down, now for Streetwall. Cpt. Skin Condition leads the defence, and hails from... I believe the Tenshi Sect.

hate

uhhh

It's a hard fight, but I utterly rout them. No captures or kills, though. Which is awful, I NEED captures on their core group.

IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE

Wait. Am I not gonna need to fudge the loading?

I do... I do resemble someone who's... winning?

I respect you, Tokugawa.

Fuck you, Rance, he's twice the man you'll ever be.

Redwall. Takeda. Unicycle. All these factions that are, bluntly, too awesome to die.

and I just killed one of them FUCK

wait is he gonna

Oh god. It's happening.

oh ok we got him

I...

no, please just

for once in your miserable fucking life

YES.

BDUH?

And then he kills Ieyasu.

Fuck you, Unpronounceable Dipshit! ... Hey, is his eye the same one as the dudes in the northeast?

please just offscreen

THEN THE SKIP BUTTON STOPS FUCKING WORKING

FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT GAME I HATE YOU

YES, THAT WAS RAPE THAT I JUST HAD TO WATCH. FUCK YOU, RANCE.

unfortunately it works out for me in game terms because I have a new action fan now

hate

that was inadvisable

Against the hannies, that ... would seem to just mean 'attack'.

The Sex Pistols are stellar and reliable guardsmen. So stellar that the forces of Monochrome carve through all of them.

Kawanoe's face does not reflect her emotions, and if it does I'm scared.

Jeeeeesus christ, what happened to you?

Anyway, they pull it off.

Mouri took out Minecraft in a cutscene, and now they have lost Morannon in one.

Meanwhile, a woman who I shall call Lady Mojo is fighting ogres in east Japan.

And losing.

I've... I've always wanted to destroy a faction in one turn.

First region, charge! Commander Nagahide ravages them.

I don't even know what their 'attack' is.

It seems to do weird damage; maybe it's magic. At any rate, Nagahide was pretty badly hit, Maeda was barely scratched, and Unkei's... well.

I think they're immune to magic as well; Fire Blast and Miko Storm were both totally ineffective. Tink!

The final battle is just too embarrassing

I mean

really

and yeah

that IS the final battle

christ.

Sorry, kid, you're just too... unlikely to have CGs. I couldn't NOT conquer you.

what in the name of bollocks

OKAY WHATEVER

BLITZKRIEGED SOME OLD DUDE IN CATEARS

I CAN DEAL

excume is an awesome typo

also kazusa 2000 is still awesome

Motonari: still a better diplomat than Rance.

...

Again, at least he suggests marriage first. And not ones involving him.

Motonari's not progressive so much as absent-minded.

Nah.

this leads to rance fucking sailor sill

Thus begins Turn 50.

sigh

[eclipse]

If it helps, I will support you if you do screenshots of Rance getting his ass kicked by children.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=Session 9]OVERVIEW TIME

THE STATE OF WATFORD

Leader: Demonic Oda Nobunaga

Capital: Vicarage Road

Overview: Taken over by foreign savage serial rapist Rance and his sex slave, Sill, Watford's primary duty appears to be mauling everything in fucking sight. May also have demons or some shit.

Military Strength: Significant

THE LANDS OF MOURI

Leader: Motonari Mouri

Capital: Verdane

Overview: The greatest and most powerful nation in the world. Mouri largely wants to challenge the universe and win, and they look dead set to do so. In a shaky alliance with Monochrome.

Military Strength: They have like forty thousand dudes.

THE CUTSCENE OF MONOCHROME

Leader: Emo Miniskirt Chick

Capital: Mordor

Overview: In a shaky alliance with Mouri, whose city of Morannon they took over in a cutscene. They appear mostly to cut down ogres and seek a better life.

Military Strength: Powerful

THE INCONVENIENCE OF FRANCE

Leader: Jehanne d'Arc

Capital: Paris

Overview: Jehanne likes to beat us around in battles they've got nothing to do with, the interfering prats.

Military Strength: Potent

THE BONESHATTERING CHARGE OF TAKEDA

Leader: Samurai Rommel

Capital: The Alamo

Overview: Blitzkrieging motherfuckers who will shitstomp everything in their path. Seem to be cavalry specialists. Get into cutscene draws a lot.

Military Strength: Strong

THE MOJO OF HOUJOU

Leader: Houjou Boss Dude, fuck if I know

Capital (or at least best city): KUZUME 2000

Overview: There's magic and ogres and they lost the colony of Mordor to the fucking Americans

Military Strength: Probably Good

THE TWO TOWERS OF TEXAS

Leader: Walder Frey

Capital: fucking texas

Overview: Easy meat, ripe for the plucking, hasn't been seen in a cutscene in fucking forever.

Military Strength: Waning

I think our choice of targets is clear.

i regret my decision to boot this game up already

i respect you greatly

and now you can be of use to us.

Senhime demands to be thrown into the most dangerous battles.

We let Rance write our diplomatic notices?

...

Rance can write?

Well... I guess it's ONE way of starting a war.

Also Walder Frey launches into war just to protect his daughter from being deflowered.

I... I have a newfound and tremendous love for the Mayor of Texas.

The hell? Familiar faces! (They have the raccoon dog sleeping guard dude as well)

That's always gonna be awesome.

Anyway, Houston is ours.

Oh no, not Bishop Commedia del'Arte! And in exchange for aiding Texas...

Man, this just isn't Walder's day.

He tells the monk to vacate the premises in short, sharp, jerky movements.

sigh

Then Texas launches their counteroffensive.

WORLD OF WARCRAFT WHYYYYY

And just like WoW's latest expansion, these pandas are... objectively shit. They kill nearly 70 of themselves on Maeda's pikemen.

I wasn't expecting a second wave, but... Cpt. Shout takes like no damage from them and the shikigami will probs annihilate them.

He's so proud of his work! :3

welp

HMMM

okay, so much for azeroth

fucken chen stormstout turns out to be a demon or sth

Hm?

he wants aki back fsr

hara is just SO THRILLED

SO PUMPED

Right, time to invade again once more, and not even ruri can stop me!

Particularly not when she's isolated.

FWOOSH

I take the city and murder their child soldier, because he had 1k dudes and like a billion defence and fuck him.

I have a fan to spare, but it's... basically wasted. Then I accidentally make Rance sleep with a generic.

sooun houjou marries this chick

I've lost all sense of what's going on in TriForce tbh

there's ogres or sth?

The CircleJerks launch their at- who the fuck is qsaki?

She has like no defence, anyway.

That moment you remember when guard cancel exists.

That other moment when you remember that you have a guard canceller.

The third moment when you realise that said unit is Unkei, and so functionally useless.

Every footsoldier they send at me perishes. I can live with this.

Meanwhile, a skeleton sleazes onto Arwen in a pub.

Arwen takes poorly to this.

Turn 52. Rance sleeps with the healer. There's a CG. Skip scene, once again, fails to work as advertised.

We take their first city in a battle generic enough not to bother screencapping.

...

I am fucking terrified of exactly one of their units.

KILL IT TO FUCKING DEATH.

It doesn't work.

...

I'm not going to provide any. Context. At. All.

Needless to say I choose the... I guess more virtuous option. I .

This fucking game!

They invade, mercifully feebly enough that Squad Nagahide can manage it. This is before my entire front line attacked Asakura Hatchback.

This is after my entire front line attacked Asakura Hatchback.

~MEANWHILE IN MORANNON~

WELP

subordinate4 probably gets mocked all the time for having irises.

Anyway, mercifully the wannabe Rances get murdered.

Also Mine and Rythingy are apparently lesbians and that means I will be even more angry than usual if Rance Rances them.

Speaking of, he fucks Sill. While the slave girl sobs uncontrollably. There's another CG.

sigh

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=Session 10A]

You cowardly shit, Rance. No, we shall slay them manfully in fight!

(how the fuck do you send 'fake relief', anyway? "OH NO THE ODA RATIONS ARE POISONED OR SOME SHIT AAA"

They lost 30% of their men to this earthquake. I can do this.

I don't, but I DO soften them up a fuckton. I can do THIS. Maybe.

... no.

Okay, THIS should do it.

dear god finally

Not

Strong

Enough.

The city is ours.

Mighty Jupiter, please let skip scene work.

I...

You have earned the right not to be called Walder Frey.

You are a worthy opponent, Asakura. It has been an honour.

...

GO FREYS

oh piss

...

Skip scene.

Mercifully it works.

:(

:)

wait it's thi-

:(

yeah ok

The poor bastard really just wants to be loved, so...

fuck you rance

ohmygodihavenoregrets

MEANWHILE TAKEDA INVADES IN A DIFFERENT CUTSCENE TO THE USUAL ONE

KKK LORD IS UNIMPRESSED

This is the real world, kid. Expand or be expanded upon.

... ok THAT point I'll grant you.

oh fuck

YES

i seriously have no idea what to think about the hannies

Nnnno idea at all

ok

Also we recruited a pretty decent warrior with 'shouting charge', figured we could do with one.

wow really? they're defending their cities with their best general and leader, who we have fought and defeated before?!

If this results in an autoloss...

FOCUS, rance, or she'll fucken

yeah

yeah, that'll happen

You're regretting the second good thing you've done ALL GAME?

wuh.

guh?

bluh?

anyway, we autowon somehow

Lord Dozla takes the fore.

That's... fairly arbitrary. Anyway, the region falls and Houjou's holdings have halved (between that region and Mordor) without us lifting a finger.

well hello there

INACCURATE

ok lady you can calm down now

Nazi Pope lives. At time of writing, Pope Ratzinger has just stepped down.

COINCIDENCE?

I THINK NOT!

I find it worrying that Nazi Pope is the only man worse than Rance, and is also the only man who can save the world.

I launch the attack!

They fail to launch a defence!

Finally, on the fortress assault... Jehanne cocks up another assault, turning another autowin into an autoloss. WELP

You know, I routinely scroll through or skip every sex scene, but... in this one I caught mention of a rubber duck. No context. I'm kind of frightened.

Takeda crushes Triforce again.

My C-team is so awful.

urhhjgllkf-

yeah no chances there mate

welp

Meanwhile Naoe Ai tries to set up an arranged marriage for Jehanne who has FALLEN IN LOVE WITH FUCKING RANCE. It works out okay, I guess.

Okay, kid, for all I fuck around with Jehanne, she's among the best characters in this whole fucking game. Eat shit.

Jehanne and the Duchess d'Alencon ignore him and walk off.

[Excellen Browning]

Yea Kensei is a douche.

Anyway, I couldn't remember anything about the rubber ducky bit but I went over the scene and there's no rubber ducky involved. It's just Kenshin losing her virginity to Rance.

Anyway I recommend going for the Miko Institute now. They should put up a decent fight, and I remember there being some kind of time limit in which you want to capture them. Conquering them gives you Natori though, and with your current team I'd wager you need her to stand a fighting chance against the remaining houses.

[Parrhesia]

You realise I'm about fifteen turns ahead of the current update, right?

[Parrhesia]

To add clarification to that, I'm handing Takeda's ass to them and Natori's B-list at best.

[spoiler=Session 10B]

this is gonna be awesome

FIERCE

right then

MOE IS INCURABLE

Oh my god, it's like TVTropes!

so they do the sensible thing as punishment for him trying to cure her and MURDER HIM.

meanwhile we take the first region of the France itself, which I shall dub Orleans. There are no survivors, and two captains die.

oh balls

subpar

Guard Captain Vince Glamrock is NOT up to scratch!

Constable Kenneth Unshaven pays for it with his life.

Orleans, why?!

'Eat at a popular restaurant in Kyo'...

... somehow ends violently.

Solemn music plays.

I'm not fucking kidding.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN

Anyway, they attack and I repulse.

Jehanne, I dread the day when I will have to face you, and your hat, in combat. Again.

Takeda finally falls upon Edo. Sooun takes the coward's way out.

Or not.

respect to you guys

Sooun took like

one glance at Takeda and was like

"yeah I'm cool with this"

oh dear.

welp

blue pubes must be pretty weird

the hannies abandoned her

and are staring at her being stripped naked and hanged and impaled

oh

kay

then

another step to demonpolcalypse

what even IS a gourd

welp

maybe we shouldn't've dismembered that monk

while two demons hang around me

then he abducts kou

and

oh fuck.

I've got

a really bad feeling

about what's coming next

I recall someone's words;

There's one CG that's not even meant as fanservice. It's actually meant to be fucked up.

Right, I'm actually kind of scared.

It's okay, 3G, I still love you.

ODA FUCKING CONQUERS THE DEMON briefly

I think it's on.

I think the gamechanger's up.

Those purple rose things people have been showing me... it's all been for this.

Dear fucking jesus.

NO YOU AREN'T.

the music's changed

everything's different

my score's halved in the past two turns

now might be a good time... !

(Nothing happened)

Someone new, brilliant, who cares. Anyway, I think she's a ninja. 738 dudes. 4 attack. Probably bad, but not terrible.

France attacks, but fails to take Burgundy-

what?

uhhhhh

PEOPLE ACTUALLY WORSE THAN RANCE TALLY: 2

Oh, begging for your lives? Miserable cowards!

Alright then.

Okay, fuck it. I am prepared. Sword thinks she's around here somewhere.

don't look back

Oh, god.

I'll cut to the chase. She was found in a cabin, where a gaggle of teenagers had stripped her naked and were ejaculating over her body. Rance, for all the evils he's committed, murdered the children for a speck of positive karma.

:smith:

[Rehab]

This game sure is something.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Rehab

[Excellen Browning]

Interesting you say that, because to my recollection the Takeda army is A) big B) has amazing commanders C) has cavalry. Which is why Natori was so important in my fights against them (against Takuga, Shimazu and Dokuganryuu as well), because her miko storm kills 30% of all enemy troops.

[Parrhesia]

It is those things, yes. Nevertheless, my army, which you seemed to believe was pathetic, hasn't lost a fight yet. I'll grant you the additions of [~redacted~] and [~similarly redacted~] have helped, but Natori is neither of those people.

rehab this is what my life has become

[Excellen Browning]

I don't think I've ever said or meant to say that your army sucks, but you did have more trouble with pretty much every war up till now than I ever did in the game, with the losing streak on the tokugawa and all. Does this mean you have a terrible army, or are a terrible player? No. All in all I think you've been running with a consistently decent but not great army.

[nano]

Natori really is not that impressive on normal mode because there are tons of better units. The difference is that the other units wane on higher difficulties while Natori doesn't.

Oh and good job so far. I remember my first game, I just used my footsoldiers to poke at enemies and never used guard haha.

[Parrhesia]

Yeah, the realisation that I could mount my offensive on the shoulders of four-five units and NOT go on full-auto all the time was kind of a key one that I think I went through after the Saddle Club campaigns.

Updating again tomorrow. Maybe tonight. I have a fuckton of images.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=Session 11]

It all comes spilling o-

okay I could've chosen that wording better.

Right. We actually NEED the corrupt pedophile Nazi Pope.

Meanwhile, I really need to liberate Vichy France.

snrk

GODDAMMIT RANCE YOU AREN'T BEING TERRIBLE TODAY WHAT IS WITH YOU

okay no

don't taunt the game, parrhesia

yeah okay so I COULD have rance be terrible if I so wished

that's

um

charming

Rance tries to woo Isoroku by having Sill fire arrows at her which Rance heroically deflects

it's honestly kind of funny

DAMN IT.

...

Yamamoto (I can't spell her first name) is willing to put up with THIS for an heir? Christ.

okay good

uhhh... huh.

godlike superpower #1

uhhhhh

godlike superpower #2

Alright. Time to attack the temple because apparently I can't do any other fights until that.

This is well proper infighting, this. PLAN 1; TANK AND SPANK.

Shibata guards the front rank for a million. Senhime, awesomely, guards EVERYONE for 50%.

They can't deal damage to us effectively. Our archers? Can.

Rance's sword offers good advice.

You're next, mate.

I hate these fights. His bodyguards took fucking forever. Fortunately, I only have to stall him out, and he only took one move...

what.

BAAAAALLS

nin

nin

huh

YOU CANNOT EVEN FIGHT.

most of my units later I finally end this

Well. Hi there.

Come on, Nazi Pope. Do this thing. And look, he's brought a farmboy with a holy katana with him! This can only end in...

... failure, apparently.

all my army is on 1 health fuuuuck

It's EMINENTLY possible.

bye unkei

Exit the Tengu and Uruza.

Then it's Rance's turn.

Rance attack... yeah. Okay. Surprisingly easy victory.

Then the anime protagonist comes in from behind...

and Nobunaga

resists

once more

and goatses his own fucking chest open

and jumps

into a fire

...

Godspeed, Nobunaga. I salute you.

[nano]

The music in the Nobunaga fight is pretty epic.

Also I'm disappointed that you sent out Rance against Nobunaga. You could have used a different lineup that doesn't include him like I did, and watch in horror as everyone does zero damage.

[Integrity]

Also I'm disappointed that you sent out Rance against Nobunaga. You could have used a different lineup that doesn't include him like I did, and watch in horror as everyone does zero damage.

I did that in my first playthrough. I warned him about that, since it's bullshit and sucks.

[Balcerzak]

ITT: Integrity is a huge spoilsport.

[Integrity]

I try to only warn him about the shit that causes restarts that you can't know about. He'd probably come crying to me anyway after Nobunaga took no damage and then adjusted the LP to compensate.

[Balcerzak]

It's cool man, I'm just giving you shit. I'd probably have warned him about it too if I'd actually played a non-Monkey route in the past uh, since the patch was officially released.

Edit: You warned him about the bridge then too, I take it?

Edit Edit: Oh, and the lemons?

Edited February 17, 2013 by Balcerzak

[Integrity]

Edit: You warned him about the bridge then too, I take it?

Edit Edit: Oh, and the lemons?

Nah. And nah.

[Parrhesia]

Edit: You warned him about the bridge then too, I take it?

Edit Edit: Oh, and the lemons?

oh god am i gonna be paranoid now

Basically all I know is coming in advance is total bullshit to avoid a repeat of "WHY IS IGA BACK AAH" and the like.

[MarkyJoe1990]

Jesus christ, Rance. You're so oppressively single-minded.

Y'know, there are villains who can be completely immoral douchebags and still be likable if they at least have some likable traits and are entertaining to watch, but Rance only HAS one trait, and nothing else. He's like if you were to strip a human down to their most basic, sexual form. There's no amusement in watching him exist, and the shock value of his character wears off really quick.

Honestly, if I were to make this game, I'd make every character dislike Rance, so that he's at least the under dog, and maybe he never gets laid because he's such a single minded scoundrel. That would at least induce some comedy.

I'd also make his slave chick smarter than him and hate him with a fiery passion, and attempt to find ways to kill him, only to be conveniently stopped by some outside factor she didn't foresee. Then maybe midway through the game, something happens to Rance and he realizes he needs to change his ways, and maybe he starts to treat her better and let her go.

But alas. It is what it is.

Edited February 17, 2013 by MarkyJoe1990

[Parrhesia]

Honestly, if I were to make this game, basically everything would be totally different

Okay!

[Excellen Browning]

I think it's meek of Bal to give you hints like that. It'd be much more gratifying to see you rage over... certain events, not limited to the ones mentioned above, as you charge into them blindly.

Edited February 17, 2013 by Daigoji Excellen