The Boy

[Dandragon]

This is the story of a boy.

This boy was born with autism, specifically aspergers. He had a caring mother and a father who worked hard but would be out for most of the day.

This boy had to attend preschool. Here, he learned about cooperation with other people. He learned about how to communicate with others and how to make friends. And here, he was told that the world was full of people. This boy wanted to make many friends to have fun with.

The boy's wishes were soon shattered upon entering school.

In Kindergarten, the boy was chased by many who wanted nothing more than to mock him. He did meet one person that was kind to him, though. A girl who was about his age. That girl died of cancer that same year.

In First Grade, the boy met another who seemed to be friendly towards him. However, that other boy constantly lied to him as well as to others about him, which got them both into trouble.

In Second Grade, the boy found many friends in which he found comfort in talking to. Every year after he was separated from them more and more until they could not even cross paths in the hallway.

In Third Grade, the boy was subjected to many taunts and derogatory names and comments by many other students who wanted nothing more than to see him get angry, for they knew that boy could do nothing to them even if he tried.

In Fourth Grade, he found a group of 3 boys who wanted to add him to their group. They kept him around solely to mock and bully him for their own amusement, and the boy only realized this after it was too late.

In Fifth, he was, again, taunted, only more severely than the last time.

Each of those years, when going to adults, he was given promises that things would be better in later years.

They were wrong.

In Middle School, nothing had changed. He was still antagonized to no end by many that he met. Only at lunch did he feel safe as he found yet another group to become a part of.

He should have realized is was nothing more than another false friendship. Except this time, he was subjected to things that would make his parents go into a fit of rage if they had heard it. He learned many new words that he only later realized how horrible they were. He learned of actions that were indescribably horrifying looking back on them. He was even subjected to another boys penis right in his own face as a joke.

When that boy finally left that group, his present for leaving was a pencil thrown straight at him.

The boy found a new table, with another group that seemed to finally treat him with respect. And yet, he felt like he was being taunted all the same.

During his time in Middle School, he found other people through a place known as The Internet. He found many things that made him laugh and smile and found people that did not make fun of him. He then sought out their friendship.

He did not get that chance. His mother, who wanted her baby boy to grow into a fine and well-mannered adult, stopped him after seeing the websites he went to. She placed restrictions that lasted for years and only seemed to increase in their severity.

The boy did have someone. He had a friend he had met in preschool and had been in contact with ever since. The boy, brainwashed by the groups that he had joined, felt embarrassed whenever they got together and played outside, especially when adults passed by the house. Eventually, the boy stupidly left his friend, and would only later realize his mistake.

Inside Highschool, he thought that things would finally get better. He was mistaken.

Again and again, we was mocked and taunted for his nature and personality.

His family, being a highly catholic family, always told him to pray to God that things would be better. He had had enough of praying for something that would never come, and abandoned his faith.

His third group that he found in Middle School only seemed to become more and more of an annoyance to him. He found himself being the subject of many inappropriate conversations. He was, what was known as, trolled by these individuals. But to the boy, all that trolling was was another name for what he was subjected to all his life: bullying. But, he was assured by the "leader" of the group, this is how friends treat each other. For a while, the boy believed him.

When he finally was given more access to the Internet, he went to meet people in which he could confide in. They did not care.

Whenever he tried to talk about his own hardships, he would be met with the same response: "There are people out there who have it worse than you." "Children in Africa are starving. You should feel privileged." "Stop whining. The world does not revolve around you."

There would always be someone who had a worse situation.

The boy knew that this was all true. And so the boy went on with his life.

That boy is now in tenth grade, nearing the end of the school year. And he has had enough. The boy wants to finally be heard. The boy wants the special embrace that cannot be satisfied by the everyday comfort of parents. The boy wants to no longer be alone and have to fight his own battles alone. The boy doesn't want to have to keep meeting people that will abuse him.

The boy wants a genuine friend. Not someone who keeps him around for entertainment. Not someone who "trolls" him in the name of having fun. Not someone who claims to be a friend, but wants nothing to do with him. Not someone who pities him but only pities him.

He wants a friend. Someone whom he can talk to that will genuinely listen. Someone who, while might not always be there for him, will comfort him in his time of need rather than telling his that he or she has something worse and has gotten through it just fine.

This is the story of a boy, who no longer knows if anyone around him can be trusted. Who has become someone who is arrogant, loudmouthed and selfish. Who has become a physical mess and a mental wreck. Who struggles to speak with people and feels unsafe outside his own home. Who wants someone to not tell him he should be thankful that he has a functioning body. Who wants nothing more than someone to hug him.

This is the story of my life.

My name is Daniel Stephen Cooke and I thank you for reading this all the way through.

[Dwalin2010]

I am really sorry for what happened. I don't know how to express it well, as English isn't even my mother language, but you have my full solidarity. You can count on any moral support and friendship on my part I can provide.

[Rapier]

The boy wants a genuine friend. Not someone who keeps him around for entertainment. Not someone who "trolls" him in the name of having fun. Not someone who claims to be a friend, but wants nothing to do with him. Not someone who pities him but only pities him.

He wants a friend. Someone whom he can talk to that will genuinely listen. Someone who, while might not always be there for him, will comfort him in his time of need rather than telling his that he or she has something worse and has gotten through it just fine.

This is the story of a boy, who no longer knows if anyone around him can be trusted. Who has become someone who is arrogant, loudmouthed and selfish. Who has become a physical mess and a mental wreck. Who struggles to speak with people and feels unsafe outside his own home. Who wants someone to not tell him he should be thankful that he has a functioning body. Who wants nothing more than someone to hug him.

I... Understand some of your feelings (because saying you understand them all is hipocrisy, no one ever does), also because I've been going through the same thing (but to a lesser extent, you've suffered more while I just fell from heaven to hell).

I really hate whenever someone says "There are people in Africa starving, why are you so mad?" because one thing has nothing to do with the other - we're both suffering, it doesn't make my suffering lessen by recognizing starving people's suffering, nor does it help them anyhow. Same with people who say that something worse has happened to someone and they got through it just fine - I am not that person. I do not feel the same as that person nor have the same life. How can our cases be judged equally?

I honestly believe we all have a place in the world where we will find the meaning of our life and true companions, as well as a legit reason to live which we can be adamant about (or maybe I'm just watching anime far too much... but whatever). I hope you can find your place in the world. I advise agaisnt finding it on the internet though, even if some of my best friends are from there. Nothing ever lasts there.

[pinkbubblegum]

Augh. Goodness. I don't know what to say, but my heart fell after reading all those things that happened to you... People should never be subjected to anything like that. It's cruel and just... I can never understand what humans gain from treating others like this. A false and shallow sense of supremacy? It's just so stupid.

If you ever need someone to talk to, or a friend, I'm willing to listen as well.

[Jedi]

Dan.. I had no idea you had such a bad time growing up. If you need someone to talk to. I'm all ears PM me anytime, your struggles should not be in vain. :<

I'm a bit insecure myself.. So I can relate to you at least a little..

[Green Poet]

I'm sorry.

If you need someone to talk to, I'll be here. If I may say, this community is more forgiving than others you were ridiculed by, and I hope that you can find the companionship you deserve.

[shadowofchaos]

I... am nothing more than a faceless entity of the internet. It's so easy to look down on people, especially with the anonymity of the internet.

I admit I have had my moments of also ridiculing people. That doesn't make it right though. One could even say I am hypocritical...

I'm not sure what someone like me could ever do to provide more than arguably just empty words of text on the internet feigning support... But if some chance they are something more than just "words our human sympathy encourages us to say"... then I'd have to say I am praying for a brighter future for you.

That you will not lose hope and find what it is you're looking for.

I myself... have no doubt am much luckier in terms of your situation, and I feel guilty about that. Life is definitely unfair.

But even so we all have our problems... and even if my problems are heck of a lot more trivial than what you've been through... I can still empathize. Or at least, I want to say I'm feeling "empathy".

I will not pretend I am a lifelong friend for you... however, what I want to say in all honesty is that I am at least "trying" to be as much of a "friend" as I can be.

(Sorry for the kind of... how should I say it, pessimistic view of denizens of the internet, but realistically speaking... this is how it is. >_>;)

What I mean to say is...

"You are a human being made of a much stronger material than I. If I imagine myself walking a day in your shoes, I would have crumbled to pieces long before you have had the courage to post this and show us a summary page of the story of your life."

And I guess all I can do to show support for you, even as just a generic faceless member of this forum community, is to salute you and hoping for the best for you.

I salute you.

Edited May 17, 2013 by shadowofchaos

[eclipse]

You're getting two messages from me.

First, sorry to hear that.

SECOND, your first post contains a lot of self-pity. I feel that you'd be better off talking to someone IRL that's trained to handle this (maybe your school counselor). See if your parents can talk to the principal regarding the bullying. No matter what, you'll need to come to terms with your past, or it will do you no favors in the future. You're strong enough to do this.

[Chiki]

Most of the smartest people in history have had Asperger's, such as Einstein, Wittgenstein, Newton, Lewis, and plenty more. I think it's preferable to have Asperger's like you and be lonely than be a mindless, unintelligent ape.

[Espinosa]

Most of the smartest people in history have had Asperger's, such as Einstein, Wittgenstein, Newton, Lewis, and plenty more. I think it's preferable to have Asperger's like you and be lonely than be a mindless, unintelligent ape.

Whoa there. Einstein was never diagnosed with autism/Aspergers, so saying that people with Aspergers have to be anything like Einstein is a bit of a stretch. It's a lot like people comparing their IQ to Einstein even though he never took an IQ test in his life.

That said, there is the other side of the coin to the disability - perseverance, attention to detail, creativity, outside-the-box thinking, etc. Just need to overcome the difficulties and utilise your strengths. You can definitely learn to stand up for yourself by taking up fitness and working on your social skills (because it is the absence of both that makes survival difficult at high school level). The obstacles in motor skills, comprehension and executive functioning could vary in severity, but when there's a will there's a way.

[Dwalin2010]

SECOND, your first post contains a lot of self-pity.

Why would you or anybody else be annoyed at somebody who has suffered and is therefore expressing their pain is beyond my comprehension. Of course, feeling compassion isn't something that can be forced on somebody, but still I think Dan's story is heart-wrenching.

[Redwall]

I don't think eclipse was annoyed at Dan; seems like she was just pointing out what she saw from his post and providing relevant and (I think) helpful advice.

Dan, I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. Although you are free to PM me and talk, I believe you may benefit more from sitting down with, for example, your school counselor, who can help solve your problems. Alternatively, your parents' church may have a counseling service. There's nothing quite like actual face-to-face conversation with someone, especially someone who has experience dealing with others suffering from problems like yours. You shouldn't see your counselor as just other school employee; he or she can be the friend you've been looking for, but you've got to take the first step and reach out.

[Dandragon]

You're getting two messages from me.

First, sorry to hear that.

SECOND, your first post contains a lot of self-pity. I feel that you'd be better off talking to someone IRL that's trained to handle this (maybe your school counselor). See if your parents can talk to the principal regarding the bullying. No matter what, you'll need to come to terms with your past, or it will do you no favors in the future. You're strong enough to do this.

It's taken a while, but I realize this. I've just needed to vent for a long time now.

[Shin]

Dan, your experiences are moving and must have been very hard for you. I would also recommend talking to someone IRL to help sort this out. I've worked with dozens of individuals with autistic spectrum disorders, and proper support really has helped a lot of them out.

[pinkbubblegum]

I feel that you'd be better off talking to someone IRL that's trained to handle this (maybe your school counselor).

Although you are free to PM me and talk, I believe you may benefit more from sitting down with, for example, your school counselor, who can help solve your problems. Alternatively, your parents' church may have a counseling service. There's nothing quite like actual face-to-face conversation with someone, especially someone who has experience dealing with others suffering from problems like yours. You shouldn't see your counselor as just other school employee; he or she can be the friend you've been looking for, but you've got to take the first step and reach out.

I think these are pretty good suggestions. SF's full of pretty nice people, and a lot of the replies here have people willingly extending a listening ear if you'd so choose, but it really is a different experience if you're able to talk to someone face-to-face. Don't be afraid to seek your counselor and talk with them! I'm sure they'd be more than willing to listen (And so would we, if you want additional support!)

[Rapier]

That might solve the bullying issue, but the friendship issue will still be there. This is something that will take time and experiences, but at least you'll be less demotivated if the bullying issue is solved. I believe you should also consult a psychiatric to help you overcome all the emotional scars.

[Life]

I'm going to rage now.

Boo fucking hoo. This isn't the forum to run crying with personal problems, especially when you attempt to gain sympathy by telling a greatly exaggerated sob story. Don't play victim by trying to make others seem evil.

You have Aspergers? Ok. Talk about it in a positive light. Look for medical solutions and share ideas with us in a positive light. But do not come here and expect sympathy from me. Try FFtF for that.

The pity fest here disgusts me because this comes across as a plea of attention.

[Dwalin2010]

The pity fest here disgusts me because this comes across as a plea of attention.

If it disgusts you, why are you even taking part in it? You don't feel sorry for him, all right. But don't kick people in the stomach for nothing. If I got it right from the other thread, you are a soldier, who are tough people, but not everybody can or should be tough. Show some respect. Kicking down people who have already been kicked down by many others is just plain disgusting, and you know that, since you aren't stupid.

Or maybe you are THAT kind of soldier who plunder, rape etc and have no moral values? I hope not, but in this case was it really necessary to say what you said?

This isn't the forum to run crying with personal problems

It's not up to you, but to the moderators and the admin to decide what kind of forum it is.

ModEdit:

There is a reason for the edit button; please don't double post.

Edited May 18, 2013 by eCut

[Dandragon]

I'm going to rage now.

Boo fucking hoo. This isn't the forum to run crying with personal problems, especially when you attempt to gain sympathy by telling a greatly exaggerated sob story. Don't play victim by trying to make others seem evil.

You have Aspergers? Ok. Talk about it in a positive light. Look for medical solutions and share ideas with us in a positive light. But do not come here and expect sympathy from me. Try FFtF for that.

The pity fest here disgusts me because this comes across as a plea of attention.

This was not made in an attempt for attention. This was made as a means of letting out everything that has boiled up inside for years now out to people who may actually listen to it. This has nothing to do with me having aspergers, but rather about the people in which I have had to deal with other the course of my life. This in no way is exaggerated. Everything that I have typed has happened. If this was made for attention, I would have went around, yelling at people to come read it and constantly link to it.

The reason I made this is to get it out of my system and hopefully find responses that weren't simply "It's not your fault, but you need to stop being so easily angered".

I put this in the serious discussion was because that is what it is: serious. If I had put this in Far From the Forest, all I would get were trolls and the like spamming me about my "sob story".

I admit that I had second thoughts on even making this, but I got positive responses from it. If people did not want this topic, mods or admins would have been contacted to take this down. If you don't like the story of my life, then don't read it. But don't assume that just because someone says their life has been full of idiots mocking them from the beginning, that they are exaggerating or lying.

While this may not be the place to do this, I went here because I find more people willing to at least talk to me than outside of my own home. Don't like it? Well, in your own words "Boo fucking hoo".

[Espinosa]

Methinks Dick is operating by the Nietzchean "That which is falling should also be pushed / That which is crawling should also be crushed" (no clue how this sounds in English but I entered my own translation into Google and got a Current 93 song and knowing Tiber's interests that's probably it). Will expressed pity help you more than a 'push' that causes you to resist and crawl out from the bottom? That's the question here.

That said, I doubt there's a single person who hasn't found themselves in the same situation as you. I can say with certainty that your experience is universally relatable (not much of an emotional post from me, but I'm not really capable of one).

You cite personal weaknesses that you already notice in yourself (already good as people tend to delude themselves) and you have suffered from other likewise imperfect people. If it's not a hint enough; the experience will repeat time and time again should you decide to jump in, no matter how nice the people around you may seem, but you will have to suck it up and persevere.

[pinkbubblegum]

I'm going to rage now.

Boo fucking hoo. This isn't the forum to run crying with personal problems, especially when you attempt to gain sympathy by telling a greatly exaggerated sob story. Don't play victim by trying to make others seem evil.

You have Aspergers? Ok. Talk about it in a positive light. Look for medical solutions and share ideas with us in a positive light. But do not come here and expect sympathy from me. Try FFtF for that.

The pity fest here disgusts me because this comes across as a plea of attention.

I'm trying to be levelheaded about this, but I get really disheartened when I see people who think this way.

I understand that you're just trying to help (in a very roundabout way), but I can help but wonder if that was really necessary. For some people, being told to just stop doing whatever it is they're doing wrong and suck it up might work, but not everyone's mettle is made of strong stuff. We live in a world where kids actually take their lives from excessive bullying. So when someone makes a post asking for empathy, what's wrong with giving that? Just because you so choose not to disclose your problems in a public forum, does it make it wrong when others opt for this path?

I guess some people'd just think, "Well if they can't cope with it, then they might as well just die in the first place" (Not that I'm saying this is what you would think or anything. But the end logic when pushing someone who's already down is usually something of that line) And I don't know. Isn't that a really harsh way of looking at people?

[Sublime Manic]

This was not made in an attempt for attention. This was made as a means of letting out everything that has boiled up inside for years now out to people who may actually listen to it. This has nothing to do with me having aspergers, but rather about the people in which I have had to deal with other the course of my life. This in no way is exaggerated. Everything that I have typed has happened. If this was made for attention, I would have went around, yelling at people to come read it and constantly link to it.

The reason I made this is to get it out of my system and hopefully find responses that weren't simply "It's not your fault, but you need to stop being so easily angered".

I put this in the serious discussion was because that is what it is: serious. If I had put this in Far From the Forest, all I would get were trolls and the like spamming me about my "sob story".

I admit that I had second thoughts on even making this, but I got positive responses from it. If people did not want this topic, mods or admins would have been contacted to take this down. If you don't like the story of my life, then don't read it. But don't assume that just because someone says their life has been full of idiots mocking them from the beginning, that they are exaggerating or lying.

While this may not be the place to do this, I went here because I find more people willing to at least talk to me than outside of my own home. Don't like it? Well, in your own words "Boo fucking hoo".

This is the Serious Discussion forum. So… what exactly is it you want to see discussed? Asperger's (you say it has nothing to do with that, but you're the one who mentioned it in the first place, so it can't mean nothing)? Bullying? How much life can suck? Yourself?

Telling your story in third person with a title like "The Boy" until the big reveal that YOU are "the boy" isn't exaggerating per se, but definitely isn't the least dramatic way to present a narrative, either. You say you're looking for a certain type of response by specifying what type of response you already get plenty of and don't want to see. You didn't write this in a journal for no one to see. It can certainly be seen as a way of asking for some sort of attention even if it's not a cry for attention. I certainly don't think you should feel bad about it, but if it looks like a bear and acts like a bear, people are going to call it a bear. Making this thread is asking for attention on some level. There's nothing inherently bad about that. Sometimes asking for attention is a very important, occasionally life-saving thing.

That said, there DOES appear to be a lot of coddling in the responses and in a way, it's kind of offensive. I almost agree with Dick in a way on that point. Any time someone points out something about your post that is true but not flattering, they're getting criticized for it to some extent because poor boy - his story is heartwrenching. How dare anyone say anything other than how sorry they are for the boy.

I was told I had Asperger's growing up too. I know other people with it as well. I think I have a pretty fabulous social life, and I know other people with the syndrome as well who are doing great, socially. It's certainly not an insurmountable road block to anything. High school can really suck. Not to take a page directly out of Dan Savage's book, but things can definitely get a lot better in a few years (bullying doesn't necessarily stop later in life, though - just a heads up). Doesn't mean the present or the next couple of years don't have to capacity to be awful at times. But, uh, find a way to cope and hope for the best? School certainly isn't the only place to meet people or make friendships. As someone already suggested (and someone who said your post contains self pity! How dare they!) you'd likely be best served by someone trained to assist you like a counselor, as well.

Edited May 18, 2013 by Sublime Manic

[Rapier]

That said, there DOES appear to be a lot of coddling in the responses and in a way, it's kind of offensive. I almost agree with Dick in a way on that point. Any time someone points out something about your post that is true but not flattering, they're getting criticized for it to some extent because poor boy - his story is heartwrenching. How dare anyone say anything other than how sorry they are for the boy.

I was told I had Asperger's growing up too. I know other people with it as well. I think I have a pretty fabulous social life, and I know other people with the syndrome as well who are doing great, socially. It's certainly not an insurmountable road block to anything. High school can really suck. Not to take a page directly out of Dan Savage's book, but things can definitely get a lot better in a few years (bullying doesn't necessarily stop later in life, though - just a heads up). Doesn't mean the present or the next couple of years don't have to capacity to be awful at times. But, uh, find a way to cope and hope for the best? School certainly isn't the only place to meet people or make friendships. As someone already suggested (and someone who said your post contains self pity! How dare they!) you'd likely be best served by someone trained to assist you like a counselor.

Of course he wanted attention, but I don't see it as a bad thing because I disagree with Dick about him being an attention whore. I think it's a bad idea to speak about your life in a forums and I believe we should all solve our own personal issues "at home", but he's got the right to say it and search for help. I understand how lonely he feels, so in this case I actually excuse him.

Both your comment and mine show that we aren't supposed to just say "Oh, poor boy, you had a tough life" while still giving a constructive critic, unlike Dick who just came here to troll because why not and leave with no critic aside from calling him an attention whore. Now, waiting for him to say that he knew someone would address him on that way in 5... 4...

[Dandragon]

Of course he wanted attention, but I don't see it as a bad thing because I disagree with Dick about him being an attention whore. I think it's a bad idea to speak about your life in a forums and I believe we should all solve our own personal issues "at home", but he's got the right to say it and search for help. I understand how lonely he feels, so in this case I actually excuse him.

Both your comment and mine show that we aren't supposed to just say "Oh, poor boy, you had a tough life" while still giving a constructive critic, unlike Dick who just came here to troll because why not and leave with no critic aside from calling him an attention whore. Now, waiting for him to say that he knew someone would address him on that way in 5... 4...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I did not want attention. I just said what was one my mind on a public place to at least put it out there so people would find it. If people want me to ask a mod to take this topic to the graveyard, I will do it. But so far, I haven't seen enough of a reason to take it down.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not used to attention all that much. At least the good kind. I realize people think of me as someone who just wants to be noticed because I have aspergers, but I'd rather people look over that.

And for the last time, the reason I posted this here was because, in Far From the Forest, I feel I would attract more people like Life AKA Dick. I'm not looking to put out my life only for people to shit on it even more.

[Makaze]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I did not want attention. I just said what was one my mind on a public place to at least put it out there so people would find it. If people want me to ask a mod to take this topic to the graveyard, I will do it. But so far, I haven't seen enough of a reason to take it down.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not used to attention all that much. At least the good kind. I realize people think of me as someone who just wants to be noticed because I have aspergers, but I'd rather people look over that.

And for the last time, the reason I posted this here was because, in Far From the Forest, I feel I would attract more people like Life AKA Dick. I'm not looking to put out my life only for people to shit on it even more.

I think you're confusing attention seeking with attention whoring. You posted it 'in a public place' so that 'people would find it'. That falls under the definition of trying to get attention. Don't let your negative associations with attention seeking scare you away from the classification.

Edited May 18, 2013 by Makaze