FINAL FANTASY TACTICS ADVANCE - RACISM EDITION

[Parrhesia]

Do you want to fuck the world up?

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is a game about a tiny idiot kid who destroys the world. I Let's Played it with eclipse. Me and four other people are going to go through it through racism.

The Rules

Each of us will play through the game as one race. Everyone deployed after the first couple missions must be of that race.

All of us who are cool will be having a dude in every class using only the abilities of that class.

Marche is an exception to both of the above, and can be any class. Except for the Human player aka me.

Dramatis Personae

Parrhesia: Humans

Integrity: Moogles

Specta: Bangaa

Harudoku: Viera

Rainfletch: the shit race

GO

Edited June 1, 2014 by Parrhesia

[Specta]

REPORTING FOR DUTY

[Integrity]

LET'S

[riariadne]

I regret everything.

Marche is Marche, because he doesn't deserve a good name, and the clan is fuck, because those are my thoughts on this.

I'm not taking screenshots, because I'm using a phone emulator.

Edited June 1, 2014 by Reinfleche

[Integrity]

DO IT

[peener weener]

I regret everything.

Marche is Marche, because he doesn't deserve a good name, and the clan is fuck, because those are my thoughts on this.

I'm not taking screenshots, because I'm using a phone emulator.

you can take screenshots by holding volume - down and lock button, probably. depends on the phone.

Edited June 1, 2014 by fuccboi

[Elieson]

I'M STAYING TUNED

[Parrhesia]

TO FILL UP YOUR PARTY WITH GUYS

1. Beat Cotton-picking or whatever

2. Fire everyone not of your chosen race, except for One (1) generic if you're moogle

3. Go to the pub during your racial month (skip through time by running around the map a lot). Madmoon for Bangaa, Bardmoon for mascots, Huntmoon for Viera and Sagemoon for nerds

4. Pick up [Race] Wanted. It's a dispatch, which is why you need the other generic to take it.

5. When he comes back, you will guaranteed recruit a dude of that race.

6. Fire your non-race generic if you're moogle

7. Run around the map until it's that month again

8. Repeat until you have five dudes total, including montblanc and protagonist. I don't think it works after that.

[10:50:46 AM] Parrhesia: i think you might have to do a mission short-handed
[10:50:51 AM] Parrhesia: do bombs in lutia or something

Edited June 1, 2014 by Parrhesia

[Parrhesia]

I can report incidentally that Gelato, Loki and Wright have joined the glorious USMNT

[riariadne]

you can take screenshots by holding volume - down and lock button, probably. depends on the phone.

I know how to take screenshots with it, but it's more that's way more effort to do than I'm willing to put into this.

I would consider it if I didn't have Nou Mu, but I do. They aren't getting my best work ethic.

[Specta]

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

[Integrity]

and allow me to welcome Nevil the Thief, Simon the Black Mage, and Moritz the Gadgeteer to clan r/redpill

MOOGLE RUN IS GO

Edited June 1, 2014 by Integrity

[Specta]

I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there

[Parrhesia]

The Earlygame

"Hey. Kid. Lemme tell you about a guy called Josmer Volmy Altidore."

"So this fat guy came storming int' the pub one day with his shit hair and another bunch of idiots, and he calls them together - calls them the USA Men's National Football Team. USMNT for 'short'. Yeah, I know. Pretty ridiculous. They got a mascot, too, but I can't see him lastin'."

"They go and get some mushrooms or some shit in this forest, then two other guys show up - Loki and Dwight. All in these atrocious fucking denim star shirts. Looks gash."

"Picked up a crazy hermit guy too - guy called Barley. Didn't have a sword, but he was punchin' fuckers to death left and right. Shook down this guy from the mountains, broke his glass sculptures - Jozy was sayin' somethin' about 'savin' Ivalice' or some shit, I dunno. All I know is the guy was an artist, and they beat him up for no fuckin' reason."

"Poor fucken guy. I'm tellin' ya, those snowglobes was art. Still, he took out most of their crew, and the glass in Barley's fists had t' be surgically removed - they promised they'd get him a sword fast as they could."

"Picked up a guy called Lezaford, just this punk from the local speakeasy. Gave him a knife, which I guess makes him better than Barley by default. But it's fine. You got nothin' to worry about, these guys are small-time. Just stay out of their way and wait 'til they get the shit kicked out of 'em in the Jagds."

"They'll not be missed."

[#!/dev/haru]

Reporting in.

After obtaining a name... (you'll know the screech if you've been in a skype call with me)

Reading a book about THE ONLY RACE THAT MATTERS...

And naming our clan...

We begin! I skipped the first few fights because they were farming for VIERA PARTS to sell on the black market to buy VIERA, but here's our crew:

Weighing in at 68 HP, <horrible eldrich cries>, the Soldier!

And his lovely band of ladies: LegolasIliana, the ARCHER OF MURDER (who later got red carded for being an AWFUL PERSON and using arrows)

Marjorie, the PUNCH ASSASSIN (who will have weapons when I get them)

Alison, the SMUG MOTHERFUCKER (who is, in fact, a smug motherfucker)

And Iona, the SHIELD OF EMERIA<title pending actual battle performance>

Let's fuckin' do it.

Edited June 1, 2014 by Utsuho Reiuji

[Parrhesia]

"I think I'm in over my head."

"So this 'USMNT' gig starts out easy enough, yeah? They need a quick lad with a knife, I'm a quick lad with a knife... we get into fights... I mean it's glamorous, yeah? Every fucker wants to be in a clan. Like, the pitch is literally 'get killed and you don't die,' what kid's gonna pass that up?"

"So sometimes the laws get in the way. So fuckin' what. We can cope."

"Knew I was gonna have to fight. That guy was the first I shanked. First'f many."

"Few things got t' me though. I mean yeah the law says 'no swords', but you get a sword and you hit a guy, right? But all Jozy and that other guy, Gelato, all they was doin' was just gettin' hit and shoutin' these weird-ass slogans back. This fucken priest belts Gelato with a stick, guy just stands there'n' shouts "USA AIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH!", priest looks fucken terrified. Anyway, I go take on their leader. I shove my dagger in his side. He just fucken looks at me and shoves me off the fucken cliff. Dunno how the rest of the fight went - well, apparently. Seems Loki and Dwight just went batshit and murdered everyone. And Jozy sorta forgot the whole 'sword' thing, and they confiscated our pay so we was too broke to actually pick up another job. They made me pawn my own fucking ring."

"After we get some more cache, turns out these guys need someone to liberate a sprawling veldt filled with giant carnivorous ants. Barley volunteers. Well, if he believes in the power of his fists so much, more power to him, says I."

"Anyway. Lot more of that shit happens. We meet some ginger bird Jozy fancies, I don't judge. This new guy we pick up, Nobel, he says Jozy said something about destroyin' the world. That's the kind of guy Nobel is, the fucken gossip cunt."

"Anyways. You know that turf war shit? Turns out there's this chicken thief in Cyril, thinks he's some kind of capo in those Borzoi pricks."

"He's not as big-time as he thinks he is. Turns out he knew a guy who knew a guy who got shot servin' drinks down at some Borzoi-owned dive. Poor prick prob'ly didn't deserve t' die, but that's what happens when you're unclanned."

"Once again, I can't really say much as to the battle itself. But hey, all's well, right?"

"Rolf Harris up to his old tricks again. Time's not been kind to the poor fucker. We're even less kind."

"It's like you gotta be a real A-list villain to pull a line like this off. Some perv neckbeard Mou just can't."

"I don't like the way Barley was lookin' admirin'ly at his glassy fuckin' creep-stare. Almost... studyin' it. Christ. Look, the guy tells great dick jokes an' all but he's ... he's special."

"Anyway, I'd best get back to the group. We got a lead on some... desert. Or somethin'. As long as they keep the strippers comin' I'm all good, ain't the green lad they signed me up as, but I'm tellin' ya that chicken chaser's gonna come back to haunt us. You heard it here first."

[Integrity]

They go by Moogles. They stand waist-high, and are covered in a light, soft fur. Their voices are high and chirping, and they tend to verbally punctuate their sentences in a childish way. Small pom-poms hang like antennae from their heads.

They are a vicious, horrible breed.

Moogles swarm without mercy, with no empathy for the screams of their victims. Some have likened the sounds, the horrible chittering and chirping and slicing, to being eaten alive by rats. They are vermin, and must be exterminated.

Rumors say Brother Lowenthal was just an actor in another time, in another life, but he could not stand before the swarm. Kupopo, kupo, they shouted as they tore him to pieces.

Camaraderie means nothing to them. They have no feeling. An inferno that kills two of theirs and a single enemy is a trade that any Moogle is willing to make, whether they are in the blast range or not. Nothing is sacred.

Those lucky - or unlucky - few who have escaped their grasp say their leader is but a young boy. A raving, fanatical boy, but a young boy nonetheless. He stalks his victims, drumming up "justification" for why they must be destroyed, and then unleashes his hordes. He is an abomination, and he must be purged.

Some few souls have learned to counter the magic the Moogles wield with such ferocity. They think that, in this manner, they can buy themselves some manner of deliverance, that they can survive where others have fallen.

Moogles swarm without mercy. They felt no empathy as he screamed, they only chittered and chirped and sliced. Kupopo, kupo, kupo.

[Specta]

goddamn moogles, man

[Parrhesia]

MINUTES FOR USMNT MEETING

Notary: 'Big Show' Dwight

Item: Have signed up longbowman. Issue: Still lacking sick bodkins for him to shoot. Decided unanimously that we need to restock in Cyril.

Item: Discovered so-called 'sick knuckles' in store. Contemplated purchase eventually vetoed by popular vote on the grounds that nobody can actually use them as weapons.

Some consolation was gained upon a democratic purchase of some 'fully sick rad kicks', known to the store's proprietor as 'Dash Boots'. We prefer our name.

Item: Regret keeping small mascot. Attempts to discard him through exposure have not been successful to date, as he keeps, as Silac noted, 'fucking running like a little bitch'.

At least he can be honest about his mistakes.

Item: Teamwork could do with improvement. No suggestions forwarded.

Item: Cyril Clan Centre seems to want us 'rounded up'. Agreed by all to only be of concern if tougher clan shows up to collect bounty.

Item: Who the fuck is Clan Baham?

Gelato suggests we use negotiation.

Yeah. Right.

Item: Barley's newfound damage to mana ability appears to prevent actually breaking charm through violence. Neither does Gelato's nursing.

Counterpoint raised by Lezaford: "What's the worst fucking Barley can do?"

Barley gets up from his seat and decks her. Meeting adjourned for recess.

Item: Borzoi encountered again on streets of Sprohm. Leader, Warose, belted across the head with Nobel's staff. Lezaford paranoid about consequences. Loki believes, since these guys are so easy, there's got to be someone better than them around somewhere.

Item: Why doesn't anyone lose anything outside of monster infestations anymore?

Item: Racist golem discovered, hunted down, killed. Soon afterwards, giant cunt prince increased laws. Seems fairly little we can do about it.

Jozy's statement summed up the meeting well. Final item: Let's never have another one.

[#!/dev/haru]

[Gryz]

Bangaa are ssuper sstrong, ssexy, and awessome!
Sspecta, you better talk like thiss or I will be dissappointed.

[peener weener]

snip

fucking nice

[Specta]

Bangaa are ssuper sstrong, ssexy, and awessome!

Sspecta, you better talk like thiss or I will be dissappointed.

you'll be disappointed

Edited June 6, 2014 by Specta

[Parrhesia]

"These USMNT have been a thorn in our side long enough."

Raven nodded. "Yo, I heard they been shakin' down Clan Dip. For the seventh fucken time! Clan Dip's our crew, they fuck with them an' they fuck with us."

"It's that Jozy guy," hissed Batalise. "I tell you he got no respect for the old ways! Thinkin' he can go down crackin' out these judge guys..."

"Fucken moulignons," muttered Hejaat, a corpulent witch with a floppy blue hat.

"Hey, keep that racist shit outta here," said another Viera, Bishon. "This is the new face of Borzoi - we're an inclusive, legitimate business now."

Steraiz smirked. "You got somethin' to say, wizard?" Bishon snapped at him, and he remained silent.

"I'm tellin' you, these guys need sortin' out. Hey, maybe we can even use 'em for our own purposes. Maybe they could shake down that fat fuck Ezel, get him to share out those fucken law cards, yeah?" Hejaat licked her lips at the prospect.

"That's what the fucken moogles are for," snapped Golitaire. "Thugs, we got. This Jozy guy needs to be dealt with. Hey, Raven... c'mere."

Obligingly, the young man stepped forward.

"Look, you wanna get made, right? Deal with this Altidore fuck. Bring us his head and you'll be sworn in in a couple days. You got my word."

"I got it," said Raven, his eyes lighting up. "This Jozy cunt's got nothin'."

"So we could do that one," said Lezaford hesitantly. "Or... we could do this one."

"We'll let Barley handle that," said Gelato dismissively.

"Barley. You fucken hate kids?"

"Look, while Jozy's off... I don't know, he said something about a crystal, anyway it means I'm in charge. Seniority, right? Anyway. Ever since I earned my stripes as a paladin, I always wanted a proper challenge like this..."

"... First in seniority's the mascot, right?"

"Whatever. Look, we're doing this, right?"

"... I guess."

"Look, uh... Raven. You're a pal and all. But you do know Greatswords are like... outlawed. Literally. Right?"

"You worry too much, Heath. These judges, they're all talk."

"Yeah, okay... hey, they're comin'. You got a good one-liner for 'em?"

"Yeah. That'll do."

"It's Raven, you Jewish fuck! Marone! Get it fucken right! I'm gonna be famous one day, you son of a bitch-"

"Oh cahm ON! I can't kill a man but they can take my fucken clothes?! Heath, help me out over here! God... damn it..."

"Gelato. You were fucking unconscious just now."

"Does it matter?"

"It's the principle of the thing. I mean Loki he's been up an' fightin' since the start, yeah, I mean-"

"Lezaford?"

"Yo."

"Shut up."

Back in the Den of Iniquity, the Borzoi capos were plotting their next move.

"Alright. So Raven's dead," said Hejaat quietly. "It's time to step things up to the next level. There ain't no comin' back from this."

"We're the next level," pointed out Bishon. "You want your head on a fucken pike out there?"

"Ahhh, fuck this!" snapped Batalise. "We gotta find someone else to take out this guy!"

Steraiz put a page down on the table with a knowing smirk. "What about this guy?"

"Eatin' an' runnin'. The mark of a real professional."

Hejaat sighed, remembering the old days. "I think we all got this start in the family through eatin' and runnin'."

"Yeah an' you never fuckin' stopped eatin'," muttered Bishon.

"This guy," said Steraiz confidently, tapping a finger on the table. "This guy's a real pro. He'll take this guy out no sweat."

The news reaches the Capos three days later.

"Yeah," says the laid-back bearer of bad news, "he lit'rally shat himself and ran sobbing. Their archers both shot him right between the shoulder blades, never stood a chance."

"Fuck," muttered Steraiz, aware that as it was his plan it was his failure.

"Look, look," said Golitaire. "Brute force won't work with these guys! We gotta be subtle! What if we sent an assassin into their ranks? Yeah? These clans'll pick up fucken anyone these days!"

"Even... a moogle?"

Golitaire grinned. "You read my mind."

Loki stared at the small creature, which stared back with bright, bright eyes.

"Gelatoooo," he called. "C'mere a moment."

Gelato walked over. "Yeah?"

The door slammed. Loki grabbed Gelato by the shoulders and slammed her against the wall.

"Hey, hey! What's-"

"A fucking moogle," Loki said, his face white as though he'd seen a ghost. "Get your fuckin' sword. We kill this thing before it breeds."

"Okay. So that failed. I felt good about that. Thought we had it."

"Fucking mooglenons," muttered Hejaat.

"Hey!" shouted Bishon.

"Wait, what about ... look, these guys think they're do-gooders, right?"

Hejaat snorted. "Yeah. Fucken wannabes. 'Cleanin' up the streets', they call it."

"Yeah, well, look. What if we set up some irresistable bait for them?

Tennessey spat on the pub's floor. "What're they up to, you wanna know? The fuck should I care?"

"Trade's slowing down, and that hurts us all!" snapped the bartender.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone else can deal with it."

"You're just too scared to come after Borzoi, aren't you?"

Tennessey sipped his pint defiantly. "'S just about time someone else helped somethin'. Why not the Sprohmknights, eh? What're those useless fucks doin' these days?"

There was a fist through the door of the pub.

"We tried," said the Sprohmknight commander bitterly, nursing the stump where his hand used to be. "Did all we could. They was too strong for us."

"Too strong for you!" snorted the bowman. "Oh, oh, good. I seen fuckin' pigeons stronger than you."

"Oh," said the commander bitterly, "and you think you could do better."

"Damn right I could!"

"Wait. Shit."

Hejaat was first to fall. A fine fencer despite her bulk, she was nevertheless brought down well in hand by the sword of Gelato Fiend.

Batalise was the second, also finding her match in Gelato Fiend.

Golitaire chittered and screeched and slashed and flung magic to the end, but he too proved no match for Gelato Fiend in the end.

So who does history remember as taking command of this victory?

"Naturally."

Bishon and Steraiz were next - with a goon black mage, no less. Surely victory was on the cards, with Gelato on their side. Surely there could be no turning back...

[#!/dev/haru]

Post 2 (and also 3) are ready, but I'm saving them for later. For now, you get FILLER DOSSIERS FROM THE FUUUUUTURE.

Images are rather large, so click "Spoiler" at your own peril.

...I'm really bad at drawing scorch marks.

Edited June 6, 2014 by Utsuho Reiuji