Fate of Kingdoms

[Cynthia]

A story I just cooked up using people from this site. It's done in a Fire Emblem style, meaning it plays out something like this:

Narration

Dialog

Narration

Dialog

So on and so forth.

If you have a specific name you want me to use in the story, (Like obviously I won't use Doom103's username as it would be weird to have a character with that name) please send me a message stating a specific name or class. No profit is being made from this, and it's merely for fun and entertainment, but if you don't WANT to be in it, just tell me.

Fate of Kingdoms

By Cynthia

Chapter I

The kingdom of Doline was once a prosperous land, full of philosophical thinkers, and scholars of all kinds. They crowned themselves on the importance of education. They were truly the kingdom of knowledge.

Their neighboring nations, Gale and Veline however, did not have this ideal of philosophy and study.

Mighty Gale prided itself on it’s military, which was feared throughout the world. Gale was a place where the strong flourished, and the weak were weeded out. The greatest honor one could have in Gale is dying in the heat of battle.

Veline was a kingdom of wealth and aristocracy. Their military was second to Gale, however they believed in having an overall wealthy economy, thus making their standard of living the highest in history.

All three nations had been at peace for nearly two hundred years, due to a treaty signed nearly two centuries ago.

This treaty would in turn keep the peace and balance through the three nations, however it soon would be broken by Doline.

The late King Roses IV attempted to use his power to overthrow the other two empires.

However, with his weakened military, and Gale’s might, combined with the wealth of Veline, his efforts were futile. His army would suffer heavy casualties, until they at long last betrayed their king and surrendered to Veline. Gale in turn would withdraw their forces, and allow Veline to rule over the newly dominated country.

Before the cowardly king’s capture, he had long killed himself to avoid being a prisoner. The cowardly actions of the king disappointed the Doline’s faith in the royal family, until his daughter, Cynthia appeared into the people’s lives.

Unable to claim the throne that would be rightfully hers, she spent all of her days helping the folk of the kingdom, and attempting to increase the standard of living for the people themselves. It was her hope that one day she could restore the glory her country had once had.

Although born blind, and seen to be a weakling, Cynthia was strong in philosophy, and had ideals of a true leader.

Some time after the conquering of Doline however, the soldiers that were appointed to rule and order the conquered nation had grown corrupt, and disregarded their orders to rule fair and just. Instead, they became tyrants, and disallowed anyone to contact Veline to report their crimes. They extended so far as to prevent them from leaving the country.

Cynthia, outraged by the disrespect of the Veline soldiers, demanded to speak with the king of Veline.

When denied, she sent scouts to sneak out of the country and speak to the Veline king for her.

Intersecting the scouts, the soldiers gave bloodshed to the unarmed scouts, thus causing Cynthia to declare rebellion on the corrupted soldiers. With no army however, it would be impossible for her to overthrow the evil dictatorship they had established, she had no choice but to request help from Veline.

Without aid, or willing lives, she decided to travel across the borders on her own, taking a path that would have the lowest security. She hoped to take the guarding troops by surprise and escape into the other country.

---

“Alright, let’s make this one count…” Cynthia breathed softly trying to focus her mind on eluding the guards.

She readied her sword, and swiftly climbed the tree in front of her.

Hastily she jumped from tree to tree, hoping that would prevent her from being detected by the ever watching guards.

She could see the wall that stopped all Dolinians from leaving into Gale, or Veline. She timed her jump right, and flung herself directly over the wall from the tree she was in. Upon landing she felt a crack in her leg, followed by a sharp pain that jumped up to her knee.

Surely she had sprained her ankle, but she could not afford to be slowed, as anything that extended her journey would mean certain death. She would have to carry on with her injury.

“Who goes there?” Asked two Gale soldiers that were walking past.

“Ah, I take it, you men are from Gale, would you mind escorting me to the capital of Veline while you venture there, since it is on the way?” She asked politely.

“Who are you, wench?” Asked the gruff older soldier.

“I am Cynthia, heir to the Doline throne.” She spoke demanding more respect from the disgruntled soldiers.

“We have orders to kill any royal family members, how wonderful that one just falls into our lap. You might as well have placed your head on my blade!” He declared.

“Wait, kill? What does Gale hold against my kinship?” She pondered aloud.

“We had orders to slay your brother on this trip, and any other royal family members we encounter.” The smaller one said.

“You made your trip for nothing, my brother died nearly two years ago. I’m surprised Gale wasn’t informed, clearly the Veline soldiers are lying to you.” She informed.

“Dead you say? We should report this to the king, after you take the girl that is.” One of them laughed.

The other had looks suggesting he planned on having a little, “fun,” with Cynthia before he decided to turn her in.

“Unhand me!” Cynthia screamed angrily as the two soldiers grabbed her shoulders.

A swift knife flew and pierced the smaller one’s neck. The shot was clean, and hit directly where his neck was exposed, the sign of a good shot. Someone with aim and precision.

"If you so much as lay another hand on the girl, I’ll have you lay with him.” Threatened the thrower to the other soldier next to Cynthia.

“Lay down your arms, or return to Gale without them.” He glared.

“Just try me.” The thuggish Gale warrior spoke.

As swift as the words left his mouth, his arms fell from his body. As Cynthia’s mystery savior had swiftly trotted with his stead to finish the promise of his threats.

He and his horse trotted back to Cynthia as he slowed.

“What is a maiden such as yourself doing in the dangerous open such as this?” He questioned.

“Forgive me, I’m truly sorry you had to come to my aid.” Cynthia apologized.

“It’s no trouble, now who are you?” He questioned.

“I am Cynthia Roses.” She smiled bowing.

“There is no need to bow, as it is I who should bow to you, your highness.” He smiled.

“You, a Veline knight, know who I am? And bow to me?” Cynthia was puzzled, she thought the Veline were angry with the royal family of Doline.

“Of course, we of Veline do not hold all kin of one mad man responsible for his actions.” The knight bravely spoke.

“Well it seems as though the soldiers who are upholding Doline at this time don’t think that, and certainly not Gale. The soldiers holding our country have become ruthless tyrants, and have long pillaged our kingdom, and leeched off of the common man.” Cynthia angrily informed.

“Have they now? What of Gale?” Asked he.

“Gale seems to be up to something, as those two soldiers had orders to assassinate my late brother, which for one shows that the soldiers in Doline have been keeping secrets, if Gale has yet to learn about my brother’s death.” Cynthia replied.

“The king of Veline did not agree to this, nor did Gale inform the king of their actions, this is truly an act of treason, and a violation of the treaty between our three fair nations!” The warrior was outraged.

“Your highness, where do you head?” Asked he.

“I was on my way to speak with the king of Veline in the capital.” Cynthia answered.

“I shall escort you directly to the king, as your information is most urgent, plus it would be against my honor to leave a princess such as yourself to fend off soldiers, as there is a good distance between here and the borders of Veline.” He spoke valiantly.

“What is your name?” Asked Cynthia.

“I am Sothe, a knight of the king. I was supposed to deliver some documents to the border officers of Doline, but I think this is a more urgent matter.” He responded.

“Very well then sir Sothe, I shall try not to be a burden.” Cynthia bowed.

“You a burden? Fear not, I shall protect you with my life.” He gleamed with honor.

“Let us go then.” Cynthia smiled, climbing up on the horse.

Sothe blushed as she wrapped her arms around him.

“What is it?” She asked.

“Nothing, it’s just sort of nice… Having such a beautiful woman around you…” He admitted.

Cynthia smiled brightly at the thought. It seemed Sothe had a softer side to him, she didn’t pick on him about it however.

“I’m ready when you are.” Cynthia replied.

“R-right!” He stuttered trying to focus again.

With that he commanded his mighty stead to gallop off through the wilderness.

“Why are we going through the forest?” Asked Cynthia.

“Well, I highly doubt that Gale would send 2 low ranking soldiers to kill the royal family, as such a task would require elite assassins, I’m almost positive there are more awaiting us. It would be wiser to have the cloak of the wilderness.” Sothe educated.

Cynthia was swayed by his logic, and agreed it would be safer to route their course through the wilderness, than in the wide open.

---

Princess Cynthia, upon leaving the gates of Doline encountered a group of Gale soldiers, with orders to assassinate her late brother. This news revealed to Cynthia that Gale had been uniformed of the news that goes on in Doline.

Rescued by Sir Sothe, a noble warrior for the king of Veline, she discovers that this Gale assassination was not agreed upon between Veline, and Gale, and it must be reported at once.

Cynthia and Sothe decide to take the path of the wilderness, to better their odds of evading the Gale soldiers, as they rush to the capital of Veline, to give the king the news of Gale’s violation of the treaty between the three nations.

---

“Here we are, I apologize for the rough ride…” Sothe spoke stepping off of his horse.

“The king is just inside, with my escort you should be able to enter with no problems.” He added.

“Let us go then, we haven’t a moment to spare, the king needs this news right away!” Cynthia spoke with worry in her voice.

“Who goes there?” Asked a knight stopping Cynthia with his blade.

“Fool, lower your weapon, this maiden is the princess of Doline, she has urgent information to deliver to the king!” Sothe commanded.

“Doline eh? I haven’t seen them in a while…” Said the guard lowering his weapon.

“Please, it’s urgent…” Cynthia pleaded.

The guard blushed lightly.

“Oh alright…” He gave in allowing them passage.

“Let us go princess!” Sothe directed.

It wasn’t long before they stood in the king’s chamber, awaiting their meeting with the king himself; King Vincent.

“What business do you have here?” The young king’s voice echoed.

He was a stern ruler, but just.

“Your majesty, I am Cynthia Roses of Doline, I have come to inform you that the soldiers you appointed to run Doline, have long since abused their powers. Our people live in poverty, and the ill pile up with no signs of anything being done. Merchants are robbed of their fortunes by tax after tax. And no one is permitted to leave the kingdom. The punishment for anything is death. I beseech you today, to ask that you aid me in overthrowing the rebels, and taking my kingdom back. I understand my father’s actions were unjust, but an entire nation doesn’t need to suffer for that!” Cynthia preached.

“Our soldiers? The rebels…” King Vincent replied in anger.

“Although I agree that these rebels need to be taken care of, I can not provide an army that will be willing to slay their own people. However I can promise you the assistance of some of my finest knights to aid you in building an army to take back Doline, as the time has come to allow Doline to be their own empire yet again.” The king admitted.

“I shall supply you with the support of Lord Sothe you see before you, and one of my finest commanding officers, Sir Masu.” The king announced.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” A man in a red robe spoke.

“I am Sir Masu, it’s a pleasure to meet you your highness.” Said he bowing.

“There’s no need to be so formal, you may refer to me as Cynthia.” Cynthia instructed.

“Of course.” Masu laughed slightly.

“Let us make haste to the prisoner of war camp just outside of Veline borders, I am sure we can find some fitting men that will be more than happy to aid in taking revenge on the tyrants in Doline.” Cynthia pointed out.

“Sounds like a plan to me…” Sothe agreed.

“Alright, but if we die, I’m blaming you.” Masu complained.

“Just stay alert then.” Cynthia smirked.

“Just like a woman…” Masu groaned.

“By the way your majesty.” Cynthia turned back to the king.

“Yes?” Asked he.

“On our way here, we were attacked by Gale soldiers.” Cynthia revealed to him.

“Gale?” The king was confused.

“Correct, Gale had sent troops to assassinate my late brother, and had orders to kill anyone from the royal family. We have no idea why though, and we plan on speaking to Gale officials to see if they can shed some light on the situation.” Cynthia enlightened him.

“I see… I’ll have my advisers investigate the matter.” The king replied.

---

After reaching the crown of Veline, Cynthia enlists the assistance of military general, Masu, and royal knight, Sothe.

They bring the news of Doline’s new tyrants, which angers the king, and he is also informed of Gale’s actions.

In an attempt to build her army to take back her kingdom from the Veline rebels, Cynthia and team decide to travel to the prisoner of war camp, just outside of Veline borders, in an attempt to find able bodied men to fight for their lost country.

Edited October 10, 2008 by Cynthia

[Deity]

Very nice. Well, if you feel the need to use me in your story do so. Just add me as Rad. I hope you keep it coming.

[Masu]

Awesome start. Very good. Much better than some of the plotless stuff written here (gulty of that charge XD)

[Shuuda]

And now it is time for me to drop me A-bombs on this! Just kidding, but I am going to make a couple points of criticism:

1)Firstly, your world building could do with a bit of depth to it. It put it simply, your nations resemble the kind of crap you see in the Fire Emblem games:

- Country X is the military land.

- Country C is the knowledge/Mage land.

It is far too shallow. Gale is the military nation: but is it a military dictatorship? Or is it based on Feudalism? As for Veline, what makes it so well off? And since you describe both as empires, how so? Do they have colonies, or are they just ruled by a person with the title of Emperor or Empress?

2)There are many problems with Cynthia. Firstly, the fact that she was born blind, but needs needs no kind of assistance whatsoever, even worse is that she can fight and you even state that she could "She could see the wall that stopped", when did she get her vision impairments cure? Secondly, personality wise she seems a bit too perfect. I am guessing that the problems stem from the fact this character is a self insertion: to quote Wiki.

"self-inserts" in fan fiction are frequently seen as the most blatant of "Mary Sues", especially when heavily idealized. Some online fan fiction archives have an outright ban on any story which involves self-insertion. They are also sometimes frowned down upon in role-playing communities, despite that some argue that it is easier for inexperienced or casual role-players to learn. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue#Self-insertion

Although this is not a fanfiction, this idea still applies to beginner writings.

3)A few examples of grammatical errors I spotted:

Although born blind, and seen to be a weakling

Wouldn't "and seen as a weakling." make more sense?

the soldiers gave bloodshed to the unarmed scouts

Using the word "bloodshed" in that sentence does not seem right. Perhaps the use of "gave" made it seem weird.

"The soldier shed the blood of the unarmed scouts."

"The soldiers caused bloodshed for the unarmed scouts."

4)The pacing feels a bit too fast for the start of a story, which is partly what causes the shallowness of your characters and nations. You skip out on very important things such as properly introducing your main character, who gets no description of her physical appearance. Then you go straight into briefly talking about lots of events that could have been expanded upon in more detail, things such as:

- Who exactly are these corrupt soldiers?

- The main characters declaration of rebellion. Why did she start a rebellion in the first place, knowing that she had no armed forces: seems like a stupid thing to do.

- Why did King Roses IV try to break the treaty, knowing it would invoke the wrath of two nations which have superior military might? Does he not have any common sense at all?

---------------

I will not comment any further, nor will I respond to anyone who flames my post. I truly mean no offence to you on any personal level, nor do I wish to disencourage you from writing. I give you these comments to help you spot the flaws in your work and hopefully learn from them.

Good luck in the future.

Edited October 10, 2008 by Shuuda

[Nightmare]

Firstly, your world building could do with a bit of depth to it. It put it simply, your nations resemble the kind of crap you see in the Fire Emblem games:

I think that was his/her intention.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Shuuda]

I think that was his/her intention.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

You probably are right. But it does not make much sense: if you want to take inspiration from other fictional worlds, would it not make better sense to look at worlds that were interesting and unique. Although I do much enjoy Fire Emblem as a game, one thing that bothered me is how bland and generic the worlds are. Let us take FE7 for an example where you have:

- Bern, the militaristic conquering nation.

- Nabata, the desert land.

- Eturia, the mage/knowledge land.

- Sacae, the Nomad land.

- Ilia, the snow land.

The country were never really that well developed beyond these usual fantasy world stereotypes, and do not even get me started on the history of the nation: each founded by a legendary hero, that is just crap. Sacred Stones did a better job in that they gave a bit more detail, Rauston is a Theocracy, Carcino was a merchant republic.

It is a very old post, but I recommend reading this if you need help on world building.

Edited October 10, 2008 by Shuuda

[Cynthia]

To be honest I didn't put a LOT of major thought into this, as it isn't going to be a "Pride and joy," kind of thing. It's really SUPPOSED to be vague, and semi-based off of fire emblem.

Also regarding Cynthia the character, she explains later about her blind issue.

Also, keep in mind our main character IS blind, how can she describe a world around her she does not see? As the first chapter centralizes around her, as there really is no characters of importance at that point. Trust me as it progresses she becomes more of a side character.

Really, this is one of my lower works, because well to be honest, I don't really have a lot of passion for Fire Emblem, so it sounds short and choppy, which is strange for me. The first chapter is actually face paced for the reason of if it wasn't it would put too much emphasis on Cynthia, because we'd spend so much time talking about her, and such.

Plus I never said the world will not be explained. The nations around them will be more revealed in depth as I go along, if I do.

And to be truly honest, middle ages and such isn't my hook, so it'll probably be one of the least entertaining to write for me, but it's good to try on things you never have done before.

I really need no help on world building, it's just I don't take this story very seriously, as it's just something to do for a little fun. If that deems it worthy of the Far From the Forest section, so be it, but I thought it was a LITTLE more structured.

Honestly my character isn't based off of myself.

Lastly, yes I notice grammar errors, and I try to correct most of them, but like I said, lack of passion and interest hinder my ability to truly go in depth about it. I'm certainly not a beginner, but I really have to have more time to get into a feel before I make something good.

I would like to remind you though, that it is polite to ask before giving advanced critique such as yours.

[Judge Judy]

I liked reading that ;)

Keep up the good work

[Deity]

I am still waiting for the update. ^^