Let's Play - Football Manager

[Parrhesia]

Now, the greatest LP on SF has been and always will be Sutton Rising, the FM2014 LP by Kelsper/Tryhard.

It's a long time until next semester.

So, with that in mind, I've decided to take a shot at it myself. I've played a lot of FM, and uh, not been... incredibly successful, but I've done okay for myself. But it's time for a change.

Football Manager, for those who don't know, is a football management simulator with a eye for detail and international scouting network swole enough to unironically be used for actual football clubs. I have clocked over 200 hours in FM2014 and I don't regret any of them.

With that in mind, what sort of club does the thread want me to play as first? (I say first because, well. If I'm fired, I'm fired.) It's probably best if it's an Anglosphere club, since it models the whole 'what if you don't share a language with your players' thing with some fantastic, infuriating accuracy.

(FM2016 does add some measure of a customising-clubs option, so if I'm some 5th-tier semi-professional English side I'm of half a mind to make them be Serenes Forest Football Club

actually that idea rules let's roll with that

Together, squad, we are Serenes Forest Football Club. We're going to replace, uh... some Conference Regional team in the English 6th tier, the same tier as Sutton United were in. But I need your help to decide upon... I dunno, some tenets of the club or shit like that. I don't remember how much I can edit but team name, crest and colours at least I can sort out, as well as swapping out a few players for guys of equivalent value (I won't bother with this).

Most importantly, though, thread? We need a name for our club.

Edited May 21, 2016 by Parrhesia

[Tryhard]

for the record, I started sutton because it was a long time between semesters and stopped because university was kicking my ass and stopping me from being consistent so good luck, make football manager great again. irl sutton united also just got promoted

I knew some playthroughs that even went as far as changing all players to community created ones, but that was a little much

not sure how club editing works, though

im atrocious with names so I'll wait for other suggestions

Edited May 21, 2016 by Tryhard

[Parrhesia]

I'm 100% fine with just AFC Serenes Forest but I feel that Serenes Rising might be a cheeky underdog

I'm inclined to go with site skins as inspiration for club colours; a calm SF Green for home seems obvious to me.

Away kits, we could go two routes;

a) Honour the other skins of the site with perhaps a sydney-bias-inspired sky and navy blue away, with a purple goalkeeper kit, or;

b) an eyesearing vapourwave combination of Magical Teal and Pink Skies.

c) something else everyone likes or whatever?

[Bullwine85]

Just wait until AFC Serenes Forest gets promoted enough to play against Nottingham Forest to create the Forest Derby.

Are there third kits in FM? I've only played a little of it, and it's surprising that I haven't played much of it.

[Parrhesia]

Don't worry - Forest Green Rovers are just a tier above where we start.

[Tryhard]

I'm 100% fine with just AFC Serenes Forest but I feel that Serenes Rising might be a cheeky underdog

I'm inclined to go with site skins as inspiration for club colours; a calm SF Green for home seems obvious to me.

Away kits, we could go two routes;

a) Honour the other skins of the site with perhaps a sydney-bias-inspired sky and navy blue away, with a purple goalkeeper kit, or;

seems fine to me, as long as it's better than the current hearts third kit

which I believe is full of supporters name that helped when it was in administration but not exactly the best thing to be reminded of in the kit imo

Edited May 22, 2016 by Tryhard

[Parrhesia]

It begins.

the actual proper update will take a while longer

[peener weener]

He said, before hushing like a whisper in the wind

[Parrhesia]

A deadline happened at me!

[かベリー]

Can't we make our own players?

[Tryhard]

I remember that editing or adding players was always a pain in the ass when I tried it like in 2008 or such. Perhaps they've improved that since then but all I would literally do is recreate Wayne Shaw.

1 Pace, 1 Acceleration, 1 Agility, 19 Eccentricity. All fat muscle.

[Integrity]

I remember that editing or adding players was always a pain in the ass when I tried it like in 2008 or such. Perhaps they've improved that since then but all I would literally do is recreate Wayne Shaw.

1 Pace, 1 Acceleration, 1 Agility, 19 Eccentricity. All fat muscle.

still a pain

[かベリー]

Aww, I was hoping we could add Roy Sigurd!

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=1-1]Who are AFC Serenes Forest?

We're... less than prestigious. We've overwritten one of the better sides in our league, just so that we aren't stuck here together and don't have to build up our facilities too much. Our finances are okay, we have an actual stadium and a respectable handful of fans.

The thing is... the league is literally the sixth tier of English football. We're kind of insignificant in the greater scheme of things, and we aren't even full-time professionals yet. We're skint and I've... um, never actually managed a semi-professional side before. Ever.

But who are we? Well, this game introduced the ability to customise your appearance aaAAA-

[spoiler=Not Mind Safe]

The game's graphics are meant to be viewed from a safe distance.
Letting you make your manager into the Martin Freeman stunt double you've always wanted was a mistake.


You can even pick your stats? I guess? Sadly, I'm only moderately lying about my abilities, so I'm kind of inept and the game recognises this. Either way, I don't know shit about coaching but, my God, I am good at screaming at people.


Right... first up, tactics. Some managers like to play it along the ground, keep the ball flowing towards goal in sweeping attacking moves
We, on the other hand, are going to kick the shit out of the enemy, lump the ball into the box and hope our large men scuff the ball into the net.


And this is the Quick Pick's best attempt at a fit into it. Er...
I don't really trust this squad. So let's meet our players!

Goalkeepers
Paul Tyson (18 years old) Excellent start! Tyson is pretty good for this level, only going to get better with time. A good goalkeeper will save you matches and, more importantly, not hurl the ball into his own net under duress like an idiot. The only issue is his determination is... nonexistant.
Danny Hurst (34) Mediocre, cheap, old and loyal. Exactly the kind of backup goalkeeper I love.

Defenders
Paul Connolly (RB, 31) Rock-solid! I'd wager he's one of the best rightbacks in the league. It's... pretty much all he can be, but hey, he does what he does. It's kind of hard to say what anyone's good or bad at since everyone is, surprisingly enough, not very good in the sixth tier of the England.

Nice.
Sean O'Hanlon (CB, 32) Marks people tightly and dives into tackles, so he's going to destroy everyone he sees. He's reasonably tough and strong and brave. A good lad!
Ryan Ellison (CB, 18) Unsurprisingly, Ellison is terrible now partially because of his age and can't really do anything. He has great potential though. There's one problem - we don't have another centre-half. It's just these two, and Ellison is a liability.
Gareth Roberts (LB, 37) Somehow our best player. Can fill in at rightback/left midfield, which is useful since we're skint and the more depth we can get from this squad the better. God only knows when he'll retire, but he's somehow not incredibly slow yet.
Glenn Rule (RB/RM, 25) Equally mediocre at both positions, and can also be a moderately bad central midfielder. His only problem? He's kind of a bad person without a scrap of determination in him.
Danny Morton (RB/RM/CM/whatever, 23) Versatile, but bad. Out of contract, and I don't think I'm going to sign him on further.

Midfielders
Abdulai Bell-Baggie (RM, 23) A fantastic winger who's way too good for us and has (citation needed) literally no flaws.
Andy Robinson (CM, 35) Very old, but quite good. Can actually kind of pass the ball a bit. Can theoretically play on the right wing but he's too slow for that to really be an option.
Lewis Montrose (CM, 26) An essential part of the team, Montrose's job is to kick the shit out of everyone in midfield.
Karl Ledsham (LM/CM, 27) A good backup. Currently our only left midfielder. This needs fixing.
Joe Garvin (RM, 26) We have so many right midfielders who are all better than this guy.
Charlie Russell (CM, 17) Backup to Montrose. Will be a good player one day! Isn't now.
Wade Joyce (CM, 20) Probably the actual backup to Montrose, but won't be as good as Russell. Hates people.
Micah Evans (RW/LW, 22) A good player! Who doesn't really work for us. He's okay as it stands but I'd be happy to sell him.

Forwards
Kayode Odejayi (ST, 33) Every strike pairing needs a very large man and a very quick man. Odejayiis our first player who is properly good at things - he has an 18 strength out of 20, 15 jumping reach, 13 heading... er, eight finishing. But! An excellent player! Weirdly got capped once for Nigeria.
Lamin Colley (ST, 23) Odejayi but a lot worse.
Kristian Dennis (ST, 25) An excellent player! Why the fuck is he out on loan? He's going to be... well, okay, he's slow, he doesn't have much stamina, he's tiny, but he's... mildly good at finishing and kind of composed. That'll do!

The Reserves
Everyone else is terrible.

So the squad needs a centre-half, a left midfielder and probably a bad striker if we can get one. Also, not all of the above guys are contracted - most are part-time, some others (Colley the most prominent) aren't contracted at all but will be paid cash-in-hand every match they play. In Colley's case, 100 pounds.
This isn't exactly the big time.

I go to set up training and realise that none of our training comes in at more than a 1 star. Also that I am teaching Aerobics. Somehow.
Fortunately, this has been made a lot better since FM2014. I'm glad that basic quality of life improvements have been made in two years.
U21 Manager, physio, 2 scouts


Update: the problem with being the big dog of the league. Sure, we're good, but I'm going to get fired if I underachieve. Also every team in the league is going to be the one to try and kill Stockpor- uh, Serenes Forest.
Fuck.
Team talk time! I get to introduce myself to the lads.



It goes well! Do not expect me to be anything but passionate at all times.


Good news - Crawley would like to set money on fire and give us a lot of money for a liability I don't care about and never use. All Directors of Football do, besides getting in the way, is sell off players you don't want, which you can do yourself.


Some guy asks me about my suit.


You get to decide on philosophies with your club board - basically it's a way of covering yourself. If you play the football they like, they like you more. Which can be a convenient buffer if you have a bad set of results. Direct and defensive works for me - I like signing young players for the first team, but I can't guarantee I can do that with this squad.
In the world news, it turns out that there is a player somewhere named Terror Fanzini.


People have preseason friendlies to get in shape - I'm not going to arrange or take charge of them because that's what assistant managers are for. They're meaningless, of course - as if the Lester Foxes are going to come to anything this year!
(Related note; tell me if there's any clubs you're interested in and I'll shortlist them and find out how they're doing! I subscribed to Leicester, whose reputation is the same at this point as Melbourne City's, a club which is like five years old, and Everton/Perth, because Ike's going to want me to subscribe to them.)
((Further related; just by dint of being Australian, I'm given a pretty solid scouting knowledge of the entire A-League. Way too good for us now, of course, but once we're professional we should be able to pick up some of its worst players.))


Oh man! I know this guy! He plays for Central Coast (signed from Sunderland's academy in January) and is fucking terrible. I'm going to scout him!
Turns out he's too shit even for us, though has okay potential that he'll never realise because he's already 22. He ends up leaving for the semi-professional Australian second tier... which is where Sunderland plucked him from for $75,000. God, what I'd do for that money...


We get in our first signing - a thoroughly mediocre centre-half.
There's a few things holding up our scouting;
a) I don't really get how the new scouting system works. It seems more organic and natural now.
b) Our scouts are terrible.


Wow, guys, slacking.
Scouting continues to be terrible. There are no decent left wingers in the country, or strikers for that matter. I try and use my knowledge of Australia to scout my hometown club but despite finding some really, really good players who would kick the shit out of ours, nobody's willing to go abroad for a part-time deal. Score one for the Australian state leagues!
I think, upon promotion, we can start doling out full-time contracts. For now... um... we just hope our bad left winger and our one goal-scoring forward don't die. I'd love to have scouted more with our understaffed team, love to be able to pull out professional contracts...


As it stands, we're out of time. We just have to hope everyone else in the league is worse.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=1-2]
My staff are inept. Our finances are in shambles. The players are terrible. The board, aka you, expect promotion.
Let's do this.

Oh. And our players are incredibly out of shape which, combined with the fact that I misunderstood the new interface for making your senior players available for reserve games, means that fucking nobody is match-fit.
I also become aware that we are too crap to have fucking squad numbers. And, infuriatingly and non-canonically, it's just assigning them straight-up right-to-left. So our alleged left winger Ledsham is wearing 9 and the right winger's wearing 6 and it's infuriating.


I love telling people I have faith in them and, well, so do they.


In the meantime, it's the first match of the season and in our history against Boston United. I have no idea how good they are.


It's an insanely shit match, which rules. They try and pass it about a bit but they are not actually good enough, while we know how shit we are and hit it long to the big men. Sadly, due to my incompetence, everyone's exhausted and I'm a bit worried going late into the match... at which point their rightback tries to pass back to the goalkeeper and instead passes to Colley in the penalty box, who casually scores. Just as they look to try and get an equaliser, we hoof the ball into their defence. It looks to be easily dealt with! Then their idiot centre-back passes it about halfway to the goalkeeper, Dennis nips in and smashes home.
Football is easy! All is well! Life is good, and-


FUCK

Well, it's fine. It's fine! Really, it is! We'll just go out against FC United of Manchester - as in, the fan-run splinter club of disillusioned Manchester United fans. Kind of a semi-good idea except that they're kind of breaking apart now and they are just a bit smug. The kind of people who probably read zines. Anyway, we'll smash 'em.
Glenn Rule's still suspended. Must've been something b-


WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO


...
Oh.

Anyway, FC United also play a 4-3-3. Their striker has been with them since 2010, which means this guy was at one point a 9th-tier striker. He's also a shrimp, with 3 jumping reach and 4 heading. And 1-5 strength. He's also not very fast, not an amazing finisher, cowardly...


I am not afraid of Matty Wolfenden. Bring it on, posers!


Of course, Wolfenden scores a screamer to put his side ahead. Fuck! But we match their beauty for, well... a free kick that thuds right into the wall, like that FA advertisement, but then our centre-half lumps it into the mixer. Dennis takes it on the chest, turns around the terrible FA United defenders and lumps it home! ... Then Wolfenden gets one on the counter and Madeley, shooting straight at Tyson, fucking... Tyson just lets it go through him, and while I'm writing that some other cunt scores and fuck FC United! I'm out of subs and we're shit.
You will note Gareth Roberts has a rating of Four Point Eight. When 6.7 is average. The lowest I've ever seen was I think I had a 3.9 once...but 4 is terrible.


Damn right.
Telford are next. I don't know anything about any of these teams.


Bell-Baggie almost scores, but then their lad Rowe actually does from the worst defending I have ever seen from a free kick. I'm already losing faith in my tactics. We're the best team in the division - why not act like it? But we're still shit... Rowe almost scores a screamer but it hits the post. I tell the team they're awful garbagemen, which motivates them. Dennis is played through on goal and fucks it up, despite that being his only job. And then, worryingly, there's no highlights the entire rest of the match. I hate this game.

Next up is North Ferriby. I lose faith in my tactics and tell my squad to be less direct and more mixed, less predictable. Let's see how we go!


I'm going to fire Paul Tyson into the fucking sun. And where the fuck were the competent defenders hiding? Cliff Byrne is a clown. But... yes! Quick bit of play down the left, cross down the middle from, of all people, fucking Kris Dennis and Big Lad Odejayi slips in down the middle and crashes it home. We're terrible and concede soon afterwards but... you beauties. Roberts hits a corner in that the six guys in their area contrive to put into their own net before, in the last minute of injury time, one striker hits it to Lamin fucking Colley!
I attempt to sign on Colley to a proper contract, but I can't for some reason. Ah, well. Nuneaton next. I at least have heard of them before! They... play a deeply weird formation.


???


We concede off a fucking corner. I hate that. Thrillingly, big ball down the right sees Bell-Baggie cross for Dennis, great stuff.
Roberts gets sent off for attempted murder. I despise Gareth Roberts. THERE ARE NO OTHER LEFTBACKS ON THE ENTIRE FUCKING TEAM.
I feel good, though. 4-3-2's the order of the day and, for some reason, I'm optimistic enough to keep attacking.
78th minute - on comes the big man, Lamin Colley. Well, he can't come up with miracles every day.


The fans might be right about that one.


Oh, hey, a player with a Wikipedia page. Right now, he fulfils my need to have someone who isn't Gareth Roberts at leftback.
I hate you, Gareth Roberts.


Hate. You.


Odejayi hits the post within thirty seconds. I'm really liking this more balanced, fast-paced, attacking approach. Unsurprisingly, using the same tactics more or less as I thrived with with Wolves back in the day... I'm not mad at Odejayi anymore after they go through on goal and hit the ball over the net from like six feet away. It's mostly a crap match, but a 0-0 draw at home isn't good enough.

It's beginning to occur to me that I might not be very good at Football Manager.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=1-3]Okay, so things are getting a bit tough. In a mediocre kind of way. But it's fine - it's great! We'll sort this out!
We're away against the team that's third next.
Josh Risdon signs a new contract with Perth Glory. I click on him and immediately regret it because of how many shiny green stats he has.


He fucking won't.


they score in the 17th second of the match
then they score in the third fucking minute
then kris dennis gets injured and we have basically no replacements
I tell the players they are worthless scum at half-time. They respond appropriately - we dominate, Colley equalises. This is Micah Evans' first start and it's his assist. The issue is that inept scheduling makes this our second match in three games, which is too much even for professionals.
Dennis is out for a fucking month.


We manage another signing. I don't even have the time to properly scout him - hell, I don't have the scouts to properly scout him. He's choppered into a starting lineup which is crippled by Bell-Baggie being on international duty, hilariously meaning that we've run through our entire supply of right midfielders - Morton, who I've never bothered to remember which of him or Garvin is slightly less bad, gets the nod. And... and... God, I absolutely cannot put Dan Smith at leftback, he's looking right now like the kind of condition these shit players will have after a match. Has Byrne ever played at leftback? No. But he is, terrifyingly, all we have...


We injure one of their players within three minutes. Hooray!
COLLEY
COLLEY
COLLEY
COLLEY
MY FAVOURITE PLAYER
SMASHES ONE THE FUCK IN FROM NOWHERE
1-0 UP MOTHERFUCKERS
They equalise from the kick-off.
Still, we're dominant, reflected by the average ratings on either side, but what the fuck?AT WHICH POINT NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO DEFEND A FREE KICK AND IT'S LASHED AGAINST THE POST, SAVE IT, TYSON, YOU CUNT< HE DOESN'T, IT GETS TAPPED IN, WHAT THE FUCK
I contemplate the infinite void.
I despise every one of these men except for Lamin Colley. I tell them so. Colley almost rewards me with a goal, hitting the post... he's exhausted. He has to come off but I have nobody else. Odejayi scores, from about a mile offside, which is to say he doesn't score. But then Colley, beautiful Lamin Colley, plays him through on goal. He fucks it up, but the goalkeeper parries it straight back to him, and with an unnecessarily theatrical volley he strikes it home.


I decide to take a poke through our statistics, and this is undoubtedly my favourite. Anyway, some... some generic lower-league English club next. Gareth Roberts is back in the starting lineup due t Dan Smith's continuing to be essentially dead. Hold me.


Beautiful. Beautiful. Bell-Baggie swings in a great cross and there's Colley, from an offside position that the referee doesn't spot, tapping it in. I love you, Lamin Colley! I wish I could sign you to a contract!
There's almost no highlights in the second half - the only one is in the 91st minute, as their striker casually latches onto a pass in the box and promptly fires straight at Tyson. Sighs of relief all round.
Chorley up next. Chorley are terrible. And there's another good sign...


The debut of the vapourwave.


I'm really, really liking my slight touches to the defence. We look capable of doing some real damage, so when Bell-Baggie swings in a cross for Colley to score yet again! I feel genuinely confident we can hold out. I'm in such a good mood that I even tell Paul Tyson he's done well at half-time.
Second half and we should score almost immediately, Colley's cross to Odejayi should have gone in. We pay for it dearly - Chorely equalise late. Connolly swears at the referee and gets booked, but I like him more now. We squander the remaining time. I tell the team they weren't good enough, because they weren't, and get a mixed response.
Fuck.
It's Alfreton next - they're in second and they have a player called Joe Ironside which is a fantastic name.


You know nothing's going your way when Colley misses a chance to score, even if it was a tough one. Still, we're matching them evenly right up until I start typing this sentence, at which point we fail somehow to clear the ball - you know, basic shit - and O'Hanlon falls over and Ironside finishes. I tell the team I expect better. Colley injures one of their players, reinforcing my love for him. When, what the fuck? Roberts? Hits in a great cross, and Odejayi just heads it in, easy as you like. Ohh, please do it, lads. A win here changes everything. Kris Dennis is back from injury - I sub him on, wondering why Odejayi seems to have precisely no stamina. It doesn't work - but I'll take a 1-1, a second match in a row we really ought to have won, and this against tough opposition. Things are starting to turn in our favour - I finally have our tactics right, the lads are starting to realise what's being expected of them, and Dennis and Robinson - two of our best players - are coming back from injury. Things are on the upswing.
Let's just hope I don't get fired first.