Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Tangerine

The Car of Legend

Recommended Posts

The Car… of Legend!

“Tonight,” said Ike Clarkson through the TV, “I power-slide past Marth!”

The scene changed to Ike in a little sedan as he slid by Marth May in a stodgy and far slower hatchback. “Ha-ha-ha-ha Ha-ha-ha!” cried Ike out of his window.

“Marth catches fire,” continued Ike’s voiceover.

“It’s quite simple, actually,” Marth said as he examined his car’s engine, which caught fire, “Oh for—”

“And Roy runs himself over,” Ike concluded.

“AHH!!” cried Roy Hammond. He tumbled out of the way of his car as it careened down the hill.

The image of a spinning gear that burst into flames appeared. The title card of the TV show popped up over the gear. “Fire Gear,” it said.

The camera pulled into a vast studio with a packed audience. Thunderous applause filled the room as the imposing, burly blueheaded figure of Ike Clarkson stood on a platform slightly above the crowds. “Hello!” cried Ike over the applause to the camera, “Hello and thank you. Thank you so much.” The audience died down after a few seconds. “Now, every so often we like to remind ourselves that this is, in fact, a motoring show.”

“Right,” said the thin and long blue haired figure of Marth May as he walked out of the audience toward Ike, “And we also often ask the question of how much car could you get for a thousand gold.”

“So the producers,” called Roy as he popped out of the audience from another direction, “told us to get any car we wanted… provided it cost less than a thousand gold and was also made before 1980.”

“That wasn’t my idea,” said Ike.

“I know, it wasn’t mine either,” said Roy. Both looked discreetly at Marth.

“Anyway,” said Ike quickly as the audience laughed, “What we usually do is pick a location and buy the cars locally. We take turns to pick where we’re going. If it’s my turn, it’s usually someplace sunny and with really good food like Lycia or Crimea. If it’s Marth’s turn we usually end up in… the year 607—”

The audience laughed loudly as Marth looked confused, “…What?”

Ike ignored Marth and continued, “Tonight, though, it was Roy’s turn.” Roy beamed from behind the much taller Ike, who looked annoyed, “So guess what?”

The scene changed to a parking lot in the middle of the desert. “I was the first to arrive,” said Ike’s voiceover, “In the United States of Ylisse state of Macedon south of Law’s End.”

Ike drove up in a sporty little blue sedan with circular headlights and fog lights. After squeezing himself out of the car, Ike spoke, “This is what I bought. A Bernese Moteren Werke 2002 SuperTurbo. It’s 40 years old, it’s done 400,000 miles, and it has a… bit of rust. But look at it! It’s still staggering!”

“I didn’t have much time more to boast about m’car because Hammond arrived,” said Ike’s voiceover.

“Oh look, it’s Billy Roy Hammond,” said Ike. He watched as a tired, rusty two door sedan trundled up and came to a rest. “What have you done?” Ike asked.

“Aha,” said Roy. His door made a crunching sound as he shut it, “You laugh now but just you wait. In a minute, this’ll be brilliant! This is a 1964 Bord Falcon Knight. It’s got the big engine, the four speed, the bucket seats… This is a rare car!”

Ike stroked his chin, “I don’t know what Bord were thinking of when they were naming that the Falcon Knight but I can tell you it wasn’t two tons of rust.”

“It’s a fifty year old car, of course it’s going to get a bit rusty,” said Roy, “Mechanically this is running perfectly.” Before Ike could get another comment in, Roy went on to his car, “Did you really find a BMW 2002 out here?”

“It’s the turbo,” answered Ike.

“It is?!” cried Roy, “You got a SuperTurbo for a thousand gold!?”

“750.” Ike said smugly.

“750 for all that!?”

“And how much did you pay for your car?” asked Ike.

“A… thousand,” answered Roy.

“A thousand gold for two tons of rust!?”

“It’s not that rusty!!” cried Roy.

“It is!!”

“Twenty-five hours of arguing later,” said Roy’s voiceover, “And our infamously slow colleague finally turned up.”

“Did he really? Oh gods,” Ike shook his head in disapproval. Marth’s ride was a very old hatchback with faded beige paint, a dismal sounding engine, and dirty headlights.

“What is that?!” cried Roy.

“This, gentlemen,” said Marth, “Is a Renault 4.”

“Marth, for once in your life could you show a little personality?” Ike asked, “Did you put any thought into this challenge at all?”

“I did, actually,” said Marth as the trio walked around his car, “I don’t know what challenges the producers will have us face here but I’m sure this’ll endure them all.”

Roy quipped, “If the challenge is who’s got the beigest or most boring car…”

“This car is so simply built even you,” Marth pointed at Ike, “could fix it with a hammer.”

“Well, yes,” said Ike, “But Marth—”

“As opposed to what you two brought,” said Marth, looking over at the other cars, “Hammond, the first bump we encounter will make your car dissolve into powder.”

“It’s not that rusty!” cried Roy.

“And Ike,” said Marth, “You’re just asking for trouble driving a Bernese car through this.”

“Before another day was wasted by our arguing,” said Ike’s voiceover, “a challenge arrived.”

A girl in a white lab coat walked up to the trio. She had red hair in a ponytail and her index finger on her chin as she passed a golden envelope to Roy. “Thank you,” said Roy before he read, “You will drive your cars from here, in Ylisse’s southernmost continuous state to Kidnapper’s Point… in northern East Ferox.”

“What? Drive the whole of Ylisse? That’s it?” asked Ike, “Oh, this is a doddle!”

“Owain!” called Lissa from the other room. Owain turned away from the TV to see his mother enter the living room. “C’mon, let’s go look at cars!”

“Yes! Finally!” cried Owain as he shut the TV off and launched from the sofa, “It only took you three episodes of Fire Gear to get ready this time!”

“Oh stop it, you goofball,” said his mother as she pinched his nose a bit. She looked up the stairs and called, “Morgan, if you’re coming you’d better be out here right now!”

Morgan almost tripped over herself but that was how the bubbly blond always rushed down the stairs. “Yeah, I’m coming,” she said, “Owain’s going to be driving me to school, I have some say in what kind of car he gets.”

“You doubt my abilities to pick a car… of legend!?” asked Owain as the siblings followed Lissa out of the house.

“Of course I don’t,” said Morgan, “but I do think you could use a second opinion. You know, somebody who wants comfy seats… of legend.”

“Just as long as this legendary car of yours doesn’t cost more than a thousand gold,” said Lissa. The three of them got into Lissa’s minivan. The kids stayed in the back so they could talk more easily. Lissa looked longingly at the passenger seat for a second. Her husband was at work, even on a Saturday. She knew his advice to the president was invaluable stuff but she wished he could be there when their son picked his first car…

They drove from their suburban home outside of Ylisstol into a commercial district which looked a bit sketchy. Lissa really hoped nobody would mug them but she had to remind herself both her kids were black belts in Chonsinjutsu. Nevertheless, the district had some of the best used car dealerships in the capital. Lissa picked one of the big ones, “Honest Gangrel’s EZ Cars” and pulled her car in.

“Ah, welcome to Honest Gangrel’s,” greeted a slimy red haired man, “I’m Gangrel, at your service. Looking for a trade, madam?” Lissa could see through the slimy charm but she chose to indulge in it if it would give Owain a good deal. If not, they’d carry on to next door, “Anna’s Secret Cars,” though Lissa had hoped she could go a day without bowing down to the megalomaniac AnnaCorp.

“Actually, we’re just here to look for a first car for him,” she indicated Owain, “what have you got under a thousand?”

“Right this way,” Gangrel beckoned as he led the three to the rear of the lot, “Everything behind the building is less than a thousand. If anything strikes your fancy, don’t hesitate to call…” He walked back to the office.

There were a lot of cars to choose from and Lissa didn’t know where to begin. She looked at her son, “Anything you had in mind?”

“Uh… something legendary to start,” Owain answered.

“Well, what about this one?” Lissa asked, looking at a large sedan, “It’s got Legend written on it…”

“An Ashera Legend?” asked Morgan, “Those are kind of a lot of trouble… plus they get terrible gas mileage.”

“How did you know that?” asked Owain.

“Because I do actual car research, Owain,” answered Morgan, “Rather than watching Fire Gear all day.”

“But Fire Gear chronicles valuable excellence!” Owain proclaimed, “It is the quintessential height of the coolest; the pinnacle of all things automotive awesome—!!”

“Driving a 200,000 gold car in the mud through a whole rally is pretty awesome,” nodded Morgan, “But it’s not very helpful.”

“I—damnit, Morgan, why do you always have to make sense?” asked Owain, “It kills my momentum.”

“Well, we’re here to look at cars,” replied Morgan, “Plus Mom’s starting to lose her patience.”

“Me?” asked Lissa as she laughed, “Never.” Before either of her kids could say anything else she said, “Let’s keep looking…”

They looked at a very rusty Volkewagen Bug, a half-broken VW Golf, a sullen looking Bord FestyFestFest, and a dreary Renault Twingo. Another man came their way from the other direction, browsing alone. He had red hair and was between Owain and Morgan in height. “Morning,” he greeted in a Fibernian accent.

Owain’s jaw dropped to the ground. He gapped at words for a second. “O—Oh my gods! You’re Roy Hammond!!”

“Holy crap, we’re huge fans!!” cried Morgan, “My brother and I—”

“—I watched every one of your shows six-hundred times—”

“—You’re my favorite presenter, and—”

“—My sister has this HUGE crush on you, and—”

“—Because of you I named all my family’s car—,” Morgan paused and looked at her brother, “Wait, what did you just say?”

“Please excuse my fan-child-ing kids, Mr. Hammond,” said Lissa as she tried not to blush with embarrassment.

The redheaded TV star just smiled. “I’m used to it,” said Roy, “Really, really used to it…” His smiled faded and his face went more towards a look of horror but he sprang back to a cheerful grin after a second.

“Um, what brings you to Ylisstol?” asked Morgan, mustering a little courage in the process.

“We’re doing another cheap car challenge in Ylisse,” Roy answered.

“Wow,” said Owain in awe, “We must have been fated to meet this day… I’m looking for my first car.”

“Oh really?” asked Roy, “There’s a few good ones over there.” He pointed off to the far right of the back lot, “I didn’t pick them because we have to pick an estate car.”

“Oh thanks,” smiled Lissa before turning to her children, “Let’s go over there, guys.”

“Good luck,” called Roy.

“You too,” called Lissa back as the two parties went their separate ways. When the three crossed to the area Roy had pointed to, Lissa asked, “Are any of these calling out to you, Owain?”

“Nothing yet,” he said. Most of the cars over here were old sports cars. Lissa was glad her son was passing over these things. She just knew he would turn into a reckless delinquent driver with a bunch of trampy girlfriends… But far more importantly, Lissa couldn’t bear to see her son’s handsome face on top of a pile of twisted, burning metal.

Owain gazed upon the cars around him. Fire Gear had taught him above all that a car was a companion, not an appliance. None of these cars had the spark, the reassuring grin, the look of something legendary in Owain’s eyes. Owain had to believe that the car he’d pick would be a staunch ally in all his travels to the bitter end.

He rounded a corner in the rows of cars and at last his gaze lighted upon a particular little car. Owain gasped, “That’s it! I’ve found it at last! The fated car I’m looking for!”

“Wait, what?” asked Lissa, looking around, “Where?” Owain was already running for an ancient little sedan with faded dark blue paint. Lissa finally spotted her son and looked at the car he seemed to have picked, “Oh… what is that?” She and Morgan followed Owain.

“It’s a Volug 122 Amazon. 1965, based on the grill trim,” said Morgan.

“Is it… any good?” asked Lissa.

Morgan nodded, “It’s a lot more reliable and safe than a lot of cars here.”

“I guess that makes this my lucky day, then,” said Lissa, “At least I don’t have to worry about him flying through the windscreen…”

“I wonder why he likes it so much?” asked Morgan.

Roy came up from the other direction after rounding the whole lot. “Did you find anything you like?” he asked. Owain was now hugging the car. He didn’t answer.

“Found would be an understatement,” said Morgan.

“I shall call you Mystletainn,” said Owain to the car.

“Oh boy, now he’s talking to it,” noted his sister.

Owain continued obliviously, “and together we shall ride across this land…”

“Are you sure about this one, mate?” asked Roy, “It’s pretty ordinary.”

“Can’t you feel it, Mystletainn? Destiny beckons!”

“Er… hello?” It was no use. Owain was in his own blissful world.

“What’s wrong with it?” asked Lissa.

“Well,” said Roy, “Volug’s aren’t exactly impressive.”

“…and we will cross continents with a vengeance,” continued Owain, “and never be late to school again and…”

“Is it a safe, reliable, and slow car?” asked Lissa.

“Well yes, but—”

“That’s perfect for a first car,” said Lissa.

Roy shrugged, “It makes sense if you’re picking it, you’re his Mum. What I don’t get is why did he go for that when it’s parked between two Bord Mustangs!?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” said Morgan, “My brother marches to his own drum.”

Gangrel approached the group surrounding the little car. “Did you find anything you like?” Lissa nodded toward her son.

“…and nobody will laugh at me for riding a bike to school anymore,” Owain continued, “and we’ll be the cool guys because you’ll be my ride and I’ll have a ride…”

“Is he… worshiping that car?” Gangrel asked.

No, there was no stopping Owain now. Lissa sighed and rolled her eyes, “How much?”

***

Author's note: Ah yes, this is what happens when I let my brain wander (have you ever tried corralling your brain back into your head??). Nothing Owain does is ordinary, not even looking for his first car. Fueled by the awesomeness of his favorite TV show, Fire Gear, Owain is determined to find a car... of legend! Set in a modern AU set on a planet that has all the Fire Emblem continents! (Except the Fates one) This also classifies as an oddball crossover between Fire Emblem and Top Gear (UK)... as if my subconscious needs to prove just how eclectic my interests are.

Edited by eclipse

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lots of FE references hidden away. It's quite the departure from the usual fantasy fare. Good luck :).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Owain in a story = 10/10 (in my book xD).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is... incredibly unique. I'm not really sure how to go about commenting on it, I think my brain is still trying to shift gears. (See I can make car jokes too!)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I got a giggle out of Renault, since that really is the name of a car manufacturer.

My familiarity with Top Gear is zilch. But I think you did a pretty good job of capturing the character's voices!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

With this here message, I hereby officially lay claim of authorship of this goofy little fic!!! Thank you all (all four of you) for the kind words.

This is... incredibly unique. I'm not really sure how to go about commenting on it, I think my brain is still trying to shift gears. (See I can make car jokes too!)

And thus my life's goal has been achieved!!! ^_^ Such a happy little bunny am I. *If we had a taguel emoticon, I'd put that here... instead have a :Tinny: *

I got a giggle out of Renault, since that really is the name of a car manufacturer.

My familiarity with Top Gear is zilch. But I think you did a pretty good job of capturing the character's voices!

Yup. Out of the thousand (or so) FE characters, only one matches a real car manufacturer. In honor of that, both Renaults that you see here are real Renaults (something that the people of 'Murica haven't been able to import since the 80s).

For the other cars mentioned, it was just a matter of matching up similarly sounding names. For all those interested in moderately useless information, here's what the other cars are based on and some photos thus (unfortunately I have to post links because the thingy wouldn't let me do otherwise):

Bernese Motoren Werke 2002 SuperTurbo -- Bavarian Motor Work (BMW) 2002 tii

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/39/BMW_2002_TII_dutch_licence_registration_10-EL-01_pic4.JPG/440px-BMW_2002_TII_dutch_licence_registration_10-EL-01_pic4.JPG

Bord Falcon Knight -- Ford Falcon

http://cs628824.vk.me/v628824239/462f/RI5ROEI4CnE.jpg

Renault 4 -- ...is a Renault 4

http://arhiva.dalje.com/slike/slike_3/r1/g2013/m09/y339680992693691.jpg

Ashera Legend -- Acura Legend

https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-a8e792dd300caefd0746b2a65dbe1115?convert_to_webp=true

Volkewagen Bug -- Volkswagen Bug (such a cryptic lil bugger I am, aren't I?)

http://img1.rnkr-static.com/list_social_img/11796/2111796/480/20-serial-killer-cars-you-wouldn-t-want-to-cut-off-u1.jpg

Volkewagen (VW) Golf -- ...guess, just guess

http://i.marktplaats.com/00/s/MzAwWDQwMA==/z/zQAAAOSwI-BWLpH9/$_84.JPG

Bord FestyFestFest -- Ford Festiva (which has the distinction of being one of the worst cars to be sold in Murica)

http://file2.answcdn.com/answ-cld/image/upload/h_320,c_fill,g_face:center,q_60,f_jpg/v1400811280/kpbwgaf8wymn9lakanue.jpg

Renault Twingo -- ...Renault Twingo

http://ipocars.com/imgs/a/g/j/e/k/renault__twingo_1_3_1996_1_lgw.jpg

Volug 122 Amazon (or The Car... of Legend in Owain's book) -- Volvo 122 Amazon

http://13252-presscdn-0-94.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/L1004388-e1449863861965-620x406.jpg

Bord Mustang -- Ford Mustang (from the early 80s... the sort you'd find in a used car lot...)

http://carphotos.cardomain.com/ride_images/1/1096/2161/2738580001_large.jpg


It was a lot of fun coming up with alternate car names that match Fire Emblem...

I had also planned on making a map of the modern FE AU this fic takes place in. Each of the FE continents would replace our world's continents. Akaneia/Ylisse would be North America, Valentia/Valm would be South America, Elibe would be Europe and Western Asia, Magvel would be Australia, Tellius would be Africa, and Jugdral would be Eastern Asia (including Japan). I still might... possibly.

Edited by Doctor Robert

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

no Integra, I'm sad :P:

Wait, why did I cross that out? I learned how to drive in an Integra, and have been driving that model ever since! Surely Lissa wouldn't mind having her son learn the basics in a sports car!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ylisse is a Republics? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Good other than that though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ylisse is a Republics? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Good other than that though.

Monarchy+Industrial/Modern Age=Bloodbath (known as World War One). Naturally Republic is really only ever-so-slightly better. To be serious, since Akaneia/Ylisse is supposed to be 'Murica, I figured it'd be more flavourful if the country were a republic.

...I really should make that map...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

no Integra, I'm sad :P:

Wait, why did I cross that out? I learned how to drive in an Integra, and have been driving that model ever since! Surely Lissa wouldn't mind having her son learn the basics in a sports car!

This fic is about Owain looking for a car... how do I not include the only car in real life named "Legend"...? As for not including the Integra... it didn't sound very Fire Emblem-y...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Monarchy+Industrial/Modern Age=Bloodbath (known as World War One). Naturally Republic is really only ever-so-slightly better. To be serious, since Akaneia/Ylisse is supposed to be 'Murica, I figured it'd be more flavourful if the country were a republic.

...I really should make that map...

Ah, so a follower of filthy WHIG HISTORIOGRAPHY? I would like to point out in all seriousness that the French say hi in regards to WWI and the supposed superiority of Republics. In any case, I thought Ylisse was more like some bizarre combination of Byzantium and Boubon France, cuz of all the culture. Also, spell crack thinks that Bourbon is wrong, but not cuz.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This fic is about Owain looking for a car... how do I not include the only car in real life named "Legend"...? As for not including the Integra... it didn't sound very Fire Emblem-y...

If you can afford to have two Bord models, you can have two Ashera models, seeing as she's a split goddess!

Also, "Integra" sounds like a combo of "Integrity" and "Specta", otherwise known as two of the best members on SF. :P:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you can afford to have two Bord models, you can have two Ashera models, seeing as she's a split goddess!

Also, "Integra" sounds like a combo of "Integrity" and "Specta", otherwise known as two of the best members on SF. :P:

...

I might do a sequel thing. :3

Ah, so a follower of filthy WHIG HISTORIOGRAPHY? I would like to point out in all seriousness that the French say hi in regards to WWI and the supposed superiority of Republics. In any case, I thought Ylisse was more like some bizarre combination of Byzantium and Boubon France, cuz of all the culture. Also, spell crack thinks that Bourbon is wrong, but not cuz.

Well, the French didn't start WWI, did they? (Okay, fine, you have your point: the French could've easily started a WWI-like conflict at that power-keg-point of history) I'm just of the opinion that you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you. If I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

FEA's cultures seem to me like a weird mess of many things 1400's. The soldier outfits look to be based on the Swiss Guard (the pope's bodyguards who haven't had an outfit change since the 1500s)). I kind of see Ylisse being a mix of Italy (including the Papal States) and the Byzantines in that period.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, the French didn't start WWI, did they? (Okay, fine, you have your point: the French could've easily started a WWI-like conflict at that power-keg-point of history) I'm just of the opinion that you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you. If I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

FEA's cultures seem to me like a weird mess of many things 1400's. The soldier outfits look to be based on the Swiss Guard (the pope's bodyguards who haven't had an outfit change since the 1500s)). I kind of see Ylisse being a mix of Italy (including the Papal States) and the Byzantines in that period.

Yeah, I dont support supreme executive power, but you do score points with the Monty Python reference. Regna Ferox is especially weird, being a weird mix of Rome and the Khanate of the Golden Horde. Plegia could be Arabia, but that interpretation is basically only because they are in a desert. Valm is a bit harder to figure out; their cavalry focus and the fact that before Walhart they were a political nonentity suggest the Mongol Empire to me. I would also say that the French did have some part in starting WWI, but that is for another time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Or a Toyota Celica for that matter :) I have to admit I was a bit sceptical of the AU-ness of it, but it was a surprisingly good read. Might be worth separating the two parts out with a line break of some description, but you've definitely captured Owain's personality perfectly. The alternative names to the cars were a nice touch!

Ps absolutely love this:

“Ah, welcome to Honest Gangrel’s,” greeted a slimy red haired man

Edited by Crazy Foxie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't see a Gran Tauroneo.

Ooooh, I forgot about that dude. Now I definitely have to make a sequel. XD

Or a Toyota Celica for that matter :) I have to admit I was a bit sceptical of the AU-ness of it, but it was a surprisingly good read. Might be worth separating the two parts out with a line break of some description, but you've definitely captured Owain's personality perfectly. The alternative names to the cars were a nice touch!

Ps absolutely love this: "“Ah, welcome to Honest Gangrel’s,” greeted a slimy red haired man"

I forgot about Celica too... but I'd have to come up with a clever morph of Toyota... Tojodel...?

How were you skeptical about the AU-ness...? (you've got me REALLY curious now)

I was thinking of separating the sections but I guess it's ambiguous. Owain's watching a TV program, how do you separate the reality inside the TV screen of a room from the rest of the room? *Shrugs*

Yes, Gangrel could only ever be a sleazy used car salesman in a modern AU after his fall from King.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How 'bout a fictional company merger of Tormod, Yodel, and Tanith, creating a car called Toyota for short? :P:

Anyway, I first started driving on a Celica. I couldn't steer that thing to save my life. Then I got behind the wheel of an Integra, and I suddenly became a not-terrible driver. Therefore, I wouldn't recommend a Celica for a beginner like Owain!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...