Rewjeo Writes a Story!

[eclipse]

2. Smyx and Rewjeo would've been "guilty" even if they weren't traitors. It did nothing for the main antagonist's character, and it still makes the protagonists look good for not truly slipping up. Furthermore, wouldn't she have blood all over her hands if she buried a dagger in his middle?

[Rewjeo]

2. By guilty do you mean of the murder? If so, that was Birgette's plan to get Diophus out of the way while blaming it on Smyx. It had nothing to do with getting rid of Smyx and Rewjeo. After all, they were going to be executed either way. This way she could just get rid of another person she felt was a potential threat to her power. That part wasn't supposed to build on Kert's character- although it will affect how he behaves later- it was meant to move the plot along and add some to Smyx and Birgette's characters.

[eclipse]

All Kert had at that point was heresy; the dagger in that guy's chest was what did it. That's what I meant about such a method being used to keep the good guys looking good while the bad guys get a plot point without much character building.

[Rewjeo]

Ah, but, to quote, "Kertankuse was going to have more soldiers waiting just outside his door. This wasn’t a discussion. This was a confrontation." Then it goes on to explain how Kertankuse had come to his conclusion. THEN Birgette comes in. Was that not clear enough? I do see how that could be interpreted simply as him confronting but not condemning them, which would mean the murder would be "what did it." I think at that point Kertankuse was happy to have something else to get them for, but I never meant for it to be the final piece.

Also, and this will be ironic, I realize I forgot to reply to the Birgette would be bloody part. I meant to add that into the story and have it explained off as her being next to the body, getting blood on her. But I forgot to do that there, too...

[eclipse]

The other evidence was "soft", at best. Birgette's move was what solidified it, since one can't argue a dagger in someone's dead body. Otherwise, it would simply be a bunch of circumstantial events, with enough room for the protagonists to argue their way out.

[Rewjeo]

This isn't America. Kertankuse can have someone executed for tripping on the stairs if he wants. He only has to feel threatened enough by Smyx and Rewjeo to go that far. Between Rewjeo lying about who he is and Smyx and Kert's (yet unrevealed) past along with both behaving suspicioiusly, it seems perfectly plausible that they would be trying to oust him. A local patriot and someone Kertankuse needed pretty steep leverage to even think he has control over? Beyond that, all that is really known is that Diophus was killed with a dagger and Smyx did not have his with him as of some minutes later. Under those conditions, Birgette's is nothing more than a possibility. Kertankuse was already convinced that he was a traitor and so he took Birgette's side. I guess it is possible that's what drove him to finally say "Screw this, I want them dead ASAP," but I don't think so.

Yeah, I don't really know for sure what all my characters think. It's more fun to write a story I'm discovering as I go along.

This was my thought process when I wrote it. I'll go back and take a look at that part and see what it's like from the reader's perspective rather than the writer's.

Edited January 9, 2012 by Rewjeo

[eclipse]

Do give your characters reasons and motives - it helps them to be more believable. At the same time, if there's a reason for Something Big, especially a plot point, the bad guys should have a reason besides "I feel like it", because it's hard to feel sympathetic for a bad guy who makes a move against the good guys because his fortune cookie said so.

From what I've seen, Kert's doing a good job of not appearing like the usual nutcase conquerer - I want to see how far you can take it!

[Parrhesia]

okay let's get this show on the

Armored bodies ran through the breach in the wall of the castle. Thunder clapped in the sky above the battle. The guards of Gassad were cut down before they could react. The occasional flash of lightning gleamed off of majestic white armor. Kertankuse, the Silver General of Guldar, had come.

what the fuck just happened and who is Curtaincruise

Soon the Gassadian guards had organized themselves, holding the inner castle. Kertankuse and his men charged, leaving a bloody trail in their wake.

Uh... yeah! Go them! You heroes!

A Gassadian soldier burst into the king’s chamber. “Lord Jyron! We’re under attack! You must esc-!“ The soldier began to choke on his blood as a lance grew from his gut.

... That sounds anatomically illogical.

As the body collapsed to the floor, a flash of lightning revealed the gleaming white armor of Kertankuse

...Wait, why's he the Silver General then?

and the calm on Lord Jyron’s face.

"I got this."

Kertankuse pointed his lance at his victim.

Lance-pointing is a victimless crime.

“I’m sorry, Lord Jyron, but your time is up.”

The king walked out into the open, in full battle gear. “Is that so?” Jyron drew his sword.

Man if you cite the weapon triangle on this one I will actually punch you

The gilded, intricate handle of the blade and the emerald embedded in its pommel seemed to glow in the flickering torch light as it left its equally ornate scabbard. The blade itself was razor sharp, and without a single scratch. Kertankuse’s lance, on the other hand, was a crude, but effective, weapon. It had a simple wooden shaft topped by a short blade, both scarred by countless chips and scratches.

Where's the option for 'they're both idiots, one of them should get a more practical weapon and the other should upgrade'?

Kertankuse asked, “Do you always sleep in full battle gear, old man?” as he motioned for one of his soldiers to attack.

... So did he attack? What about his mates? Why isn't Curtainboy leading by example if he's so damn famous?

“A little bird told me you were coming.” Two bodies.

Two bodies, one stone.

“I apologize, Your Highness,” sounded, almost genuinely, amongst the muffled battle sounds

...What does that mean?

“I didn’t mean to hurt your pride!” Two more soldiers lunged. Four bodies.

"Couldn't we all just attack at onc-" "NO WE SHALL CHARGE IN NEAT COLUMNS" "OKAY"

“I tire of this, general, a-“ Jyron gestured with his hand towards the wall behind Kertankuse. Kertankuse turned to look, and Jyron took the chance to charge.

Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Gassadite when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

“Not so fast, old man!” the White General

I WAS RIGHT

grunted as he blocked the slash with the shaft of his spear. The sword had nearly cleaved the shaft in two. Kertankuse kicked Jyron back, pulling the sword out of the lance. Kertankuse split the shaft and threw the blunt end away, shattering a window.

“I guess it wasn’t all that small a bird.”

That doesn't... that doesn't mean anything. Yes, I know 'a little bird' told him, but... what the fuck does that even

Jyron charged again. In a quick flourish, Jyron found himself disarmed and with a hand at his throat.

Nice work, imbecile. You flourished your sword and DROPPED IT on your FOOT.

He was pushed to the window, and, with one motion, Kertankuse severed the belt with the gilded scabbard and plunged his spear tip into Jyron’s chest. He brought himself close to Jyron, and whispered, “Goodbye, Lord Jyron,” and shoved him out of the window.

“Good bye.”

Katakruse is a terrible name, and this is a pretty tepid beginning. Where the fuck IS this? What's happening? Why do we even care?

[Rewjeo]

Truth be told, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing with Kert. I certainly don't want him to be some generic evil dude, but I'm not sure exactly what he is beyond that. Of course, now that Smyx and Rewjeo are out of the castle and with the others in the woods, they can stop hogging the story and those who need more development can get some.

Edit: Oh, hey, Furetchen posted. Why did it take so long for my computer to recognize that? I posted eleven minutes after you, after all.

The first few chapters need work. I'm aware of that. A lot of it, especially in the prologue, is stuff from like seventh grade that I mostly built on once I started writing this again. Some of it makes no sense to me.I promise it gets better as it goes along. You did point out some things I hadn't thought of/been told yet, so thank you for those. Also, that was awfully entertaining at times. But never underestimate the consequences of lance-pointing. It's even worse than fighting a land war in Asia.

Edited January 9, 2012 by Rewjeo

[eclipse]

What kind of person do you want him to be? How do you want the reader to feel towards him? If you can answer that, you should have a better idea of how he'll act in relation to the other characters.

[Rewjeo]

OK, rewrite of the first 73 words. Thoughts?

Armored bodies ran through the opening the wall of the castle. Thunder clapped in the distance, illuminating the starless sky with precogniscent flashes of lightning. Warned only by the creaking of the gates, the slumbering guards of Gassad were cut down by the hordes of blue-clad invaders. The clang of metal upon metal alerted the sleeping monolith. The second row of defenses, stationed within the keep, rushed to barricade the doors.

A horn blasted through the castle, armoring the unconscious defenders and pulling them into the fray. The callous knock of wood on wood set the rhythm of the downward march. Confused, stuttering corps murmured down the stairs, keen to learn that there was nothing to learn.

Outside the freshly bruised entryway, an excited storm flashed across a polished form. The white shone as a beacon in the fray, glowing with the purity of sun-bleached bone. The storm’s strobing light dulled and a rapid rumble of thunder rolled across the battlefield, smashing in the doors.

A gust of wind ushered in the blue-clad army. Torchlight flickered through the front stairwell as the downward marching corps arrived in the face of their foe. A form, orange in the torchlight, dissimilated from the mob. A sound regurgitated from the form, and the two masses lunged at each other. Cries of chaos climbed up the keep as dissoluble mass of Guldar lurched around furnishings up and through Gassad’s stronghold. The beaconous form pushed through the stuttering corps, leaving a bloody trail in his wake.

Edited January 9, 2012 by Rewjeo

[Parrhesia]

precogniscent flashes of lightning.

callous knock of wood on wood

an excited storm

the purity of sun-bleached bone

A form, orange in the torchlight, dissimilated from the mob. A sound regurgitated from the form, and the two masses lunged at each other.

dissoluble mass of Guldar

beaconous form

I'm certain there is a term for what I'm thinking this is that isn't taken from TVTropes. It isn't a compliment.

[Rewjeo]

People always talk about how great imagery/anthropomorphism is for describing things. I'm taking it that either I suck at it or that it's one of those weird things that people say think should be good but actually isn't. I will stay away from that, then.

[eclipse]

Hmmm. . .you do want some imagery, because you're writing about a world that you can see, and we can't. However, there's no need to be overly flowery about things. If you want to see an example of going a bit overboard with imagery, read Song of Songs.

You'll also want a good plot and characters down, as well. All the description in the world won't save a tale, if it doesn't know where it wants to go, or what its inhabitants are.

[Rewjeo]

Okay, Furet, I changed the parts you quoted. Better? Good, even?

Armored bodies ran through the opening the wall of the castle. Thunder clapped in the distance, following the illumination of the starless sky with flashes of lightning. Warned only by the creaking of the gates, the slumbering guards of Gassad were cut down by the hordes of blue-clad invaders. The clang of metal upon metal alerted the sleeping monolith. The second row of defenses, stationed within the keep, rushed to barricade the doors.

A horn blasted through the castle, armoring the unconscious defenders and pulling them into the fray. The bass knock of wood on wood set the rhythm of the downward march. Confused, stuttering corps murmured down the stairs, keen to learn that there was nothing to learn.

Outside the freshly bruised entryway, the storm flashed across a polished form. The white shone as a beacon in the fray before the storm’s strobing light dulled and a rapid rumble of thunder rolled across the battlefield, smashing in the doors.

A gust of wind ushered in the blue-clad army. Torchlight flickered through the front stairwell as the downward marching corps arrived in the face of their foe. The form, now orange in the torchlight, sent out the command to charge, and the two armies lunged at each other. Cries of chaos climbed up the keep as the mass of Guldaran bodies lurched around furnishings up and through Gassad’s stronghold. The white-armored form, the famous White General of Guldar, pushed through the stuttering Gassadian corps, leaving a bloody trail in his wake.

[Parrhesia]

sleeping monolith.

Confused, stuttering corps murmured down the stairs

Outside the freshly bruised entryway, the storm flashed across a polished form. The white shone as a beacon in the fray before the storm’s strobing light dulled

Look, I think there's a quote that would really help you out here. You seem to be using 'more hardcore' words just for the sake of it. But, well... Hemingway.

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don't know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use.”

[Rewjeo]

I think I'm trying too hard here. This is a very different style from the rest of my writing. I'd guess it's because I'm trying to write well instead of just writing, like I was doing before. Honestly, this is going against my idea of good writing- saying what's necessary and ignoring what's not. Ugh.

Thank you for being here to tell me that I'm doing stupid thing, though. Really, it's genuinely helpful.

Also, eclipse, my English teacher said I should consider cutting the prologue continue so the reader doesn't know exactly what happened and has to try to figure it out. I'm not sure what I think of it yet. It would change how the first few chapter explain things, but then I was planning on rewriting those anyways. What do you think of that idea?

[eclipse]

There should be some basis for "who is this guy, and what is he doing here?" If you want to develop people within the town, you could always have your character ask them about their version of the events, and show the contrast between the occupiers, the townsfolk, the resistance, etc.

[Rewjeo]

Well, I always struggled with writing the prologue and rewriting it doesn't seem to be going any better, so I'll try cutting it and having it explained as the story goes along. Speaking of which, here's a rewrite of the first part of chapter 1. I may change it to third person. We'll see.

It was a crisp spring day made warm by the sun. The forest was coming back to life as winter’s hold on the mountains receded. Streams shimmered, full of clear water fresh from the snows of the Gassadian mountains. I caught the call and response of chickadees amongst the rustling of the leaves, which almost glowed green under the sun. It seemed the idyllic day to be returning home.

But hidden deeper in those perfect green woods was something much darker. The birdsongs stopped as the canopy thickened, blocking out the sun. There was no sign of any animals around. Even the water seemed to stand still. The only sound came from leaves still rustling in the wind and leaves crushed underfoot. More than the drop in temperature sent a chill down my spine.

Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure, telling of misfortune. If you believe in those things, that is. I took a moment to observe the bird. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’ve always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one willing to land so near a human.

But then the raven started acting peculiarly. It cawed raucously and gestured its head towards me, hopping around on its branch. I admired it some more, but it kept up its strange behavior. Intrigued, I took a step back. That’s when I noticed that it wasn’t pointing at me; it was pointing behind me. I turned to see forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar.

That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? This was Gassadian territory. The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. They didn’t seem lost, so there was only one logical explanation. I had to get back to Gassad.

[Parrhesia]

Also, eclipse, my English teacher said I should consider cutting the prologue continue so the reader doesn't know exactly what happened and has to try to figure it out. I'm not sure what I think of it yet. It would change how the first few chapter explain things, but then I was planning on rewriting those anyways. What do you think of that idea?

To the extent where we don't have ANY exposition? Your English teacher is a fucking moron.

Well, I always struggled with writing the prologue and rewriting it doesn't seem to be going any better, so I'll try cutting it and having it explained as the story goes along. Speaking of which, here's a rewrite of the first part of chapter 1. I may change it to third person. We'll see.

I'm sorry, but it's just too flowery. Your words would have a lot more impact if they just got to the point of the matter.

[eclipse]

I think an example would work better. Here's the first paragraph of what you just wrote:

It was a crisp spring day made warm by the sun. The forest was coming back to life as winter’s hold on the mountains receded. Streams shimmered, full of clear water fresh from the snows of the Gassadian mountains. I caught the call and response of chickadees amongst the rustling of the leaves, which almost glowed green under the sun. It seemed the idyllic day to be returning home.

Here's what I gathered from it:

- It's spring, and the temperature's wonderful

- It's a pretty pristine wood, somewhat close to the mountains

- There's someone walking through the forest on his/her way home

Here's the second paragraph:

But hidden deeper in those perfect green woods was something much darker. The birdsongs stopped as the canopy thickened, blocking out the sun. There was no sign of any animals around. Even the water seemed to stand still. The only sound came from leaves still rustling in the wind and leaves crushed underfoot. More than the drop in temperature sent a chill down my spine.

Here's what I got from it:

- Something made this otherwise peaceful wood feel weird, and you don't outline what it is at this very moment (not a bad thing, just an observation)

So, if the first two paragraphs cut down on the description, which is a bit overkill, here's what we'd have:

The air was crisp, as I made my way home. The stream I stopped to drink from held the last faint traces of winter's chill, and the cool water was a welcome respite to the warm day. As I rose to continue my journey, the forest fell silent.

You could probably improve on it a lot, but it's a start.

[Rewjeo]

To the extent where we don't have ANY exposition? Your English teacher is a fucking moron.

Did you ever read beyond the original prologue? What happens has to be explained to the main character anyways, so it's not like the reader would have no clue what happened. It would just have to be explained differently. Basically, he had the same sort of question you had- "Why do I care that this happened?" If you jump into the main character's point of view from the get-go, what happened has a bigger impact is the idea, I think.

I'm sorry, but it's just too flowery. Your words would have a lot more impact if they just got to the point of the matter.

Alright. The original was certainly flowery, too. I guess I didn't change that part of it much.

So, if the first two paragraphs cut down on the description, which is a bit overkill, here's what we'd have:

You could probably improve on it a lot, but it's a start.

Thanks for the input, guys. I think I know what I'll do with it. I should have a revision up soon.

Edit: Okay, this should be more to the point. It's only just over half the length of before.

It seemed to be the perfect spring day as I neared the end of my journey home. The forest was coming to life as it escaped winter’s grasp. And yet, as I journeyed on, it grew eerily quiet. The farther I trudged along, the deader the forest seemed to become.

Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure, telling of misfortune. If you believe in those things, that is. I took a moment to observe the bird. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’d always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one willing to land so near a human.

But then the raven started to caw hop around agitatedly. Intrigued, I took a step back and looked around, discovering forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar. That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. Fearing the worst, I hurried back to Gassad.

Edited January 12, 2012 by Rewjeo

[Parrhesia]

Did you ever read beyond the original prologue?

Give people a reason to.

[eclipse]

Okay, wording nitpicks.

1. "Deader?" Hmmm. . .I'm seeing the forest physically die, and I don't think that's what you're trying to convey? Did the forest noises die down?

2. "caw hop"? I don't know what that is, sadly.

[Rewjeo]

Give people a reason to.

Plenty of people have :/

Okay, wording nitpicks.

1. "Deader?" Hmmm. . .I'm seeing the forest physically die, and I don't think that's what you're trying to convey? Did the forest noises die down?

2. "caw hop"? I don't know what that is, sadly.

1. I'll fix that. I don't want it to physically die as he goes farther in.

2. Derp, it should be "caw and hop."