Rewjeo Writes a Story!

[Rewjeo]

I got some critique from elsewhere, and taking that into account, this is what I've got. There's more description of the forest again, and more was added to the encounter with the raven (going back more towards the original there) but I think the description isn't so flowery and the raven encounter seems more natural to me.

Edit: Ack. Sorry it took so long. I was working more on the prologue and chapter one, but never really finished a draft of either, and then my creativity got drawn to music. Full prologue draft. Thoughts? Doing Hamlet and reading some Thomas Hardy right now, so I think there might be some superfluous language in there... and I hope the dialogue isn't too hard to read without the indentations.

Armored bodies ran through the hole in the wall of the castle. Thunder boomed across the battlefield, preceded by flashes of lightning in the distance. The slumbering Gassadian watch was cut down by the wave of incoming soldiers before they could react. The two men stationed inside the gates to the keep were alerted by the commotion. One walked over to the nearest window. Upon seeing what was happening outside, his jaw dropped in shock. Rapid flashes of lightning reflected off the white armor of one man. Kertankuse, the White General of Guldar, had come.

The two guards inside at the gates hurried to block the door, but they knew there wasn’t enough time. One of them blew into a horn, sending the sound reverberating through the castle. A battering ram was brought up, and the bass knock of wood on wood set the rhythm for the march of Gassad’s newly awakened soldiers. As they arrived at the top of the stairs leading down to the front room, a massive roll of thunder accompanied the breach of the gates.

~~~~~

Lord Jyron, King of Gassad, looked out his window. He could see below him, illuminated by the lightning, a sea of blue clad soldiers rushing into his castle. Based on the sheer size of Guldar’s army, he knew how this would end. He locked the door to his chamber and prepared himself for battle.

~~~~~

Down below, Kertankuse lead the charge of his soldiers into the castle. They met Gassad’s men at the base of the stairwell leading into the front room. Caught off guard, the Guldaran troops made quick progress, and Kertankuse found that soldiers, eager to prove themselves in battle, quickly pushed ahead of him. But, as they realized what was happening, Gassad’s soldiers began to fight harder. With the fighting happening at a chokepoint, progress on both sides seemed to grind to a halt. Kertankuse worked his way out of the mess and took a handful of soldiers with him. There was a way to end this faster.

~~~~~

Lord Jyron again sat in his room, sword at his hip and light armor on, waiting for the inevitable. After a rattle from the door handle and a few thuds, his door burst open. He stood up with a regal composure and marched forward to meet his opponent.

“You know, I liked you, general,” he said to Kertankuse.

“I liked you, too, old man,” he replied mockingly.

“Do I detect sarcasm, or just impudence?” Jyron retorted.

“I didn’t come to bandy words with you. Draw your sword,” he commanded.

Jyron obliged, grasping his blade by its intricately gilded handle.

“That’s a fine blade,” Kertankuse observed. “I’d hate to break it.”

“Don’t think it’s just for show. Pretty things can kill just as well as simple things,” Jyron said as Kertankuse drew his blade by its leather wrapped steel handle.

“You say that like you think you’ll make it out of this alive, old man,” Kertankuse said.

“Well, if you’re going to kill me, would it hurt to give me one last ‘Your Highness’?” Jyron asked.

“Do I detect sarcasm, or just impudence, old man?” Kertankuse asked.

“A sharp tongue never killed anyone, you know,” Jyron called back as the sounds of battle steadily built up in the halls.

“Then let’s cut to the chase,” Kertankuse suggested.

“Let’s,” Jyron said, almost under his breath, as he charged Kertankuse.

The handful of soldiers Kertankuse had brought with him tensed up as Jyron lunged. “No,” Kertankuse commanded as he parried the blow. “Let’s keep this one between the two of us!”

“Strange,” Jyron noted as the two pushed, steel on steel, against each other. “I recall you focusing on being practical rather than noble. Why such gentlemanly behavior now, when you’re trying to kill me?”

“I can appreciate honor on the battlefield,” he replied.

“And if things should go my way, you’ll have your friends jump in and cut me down, I assume.”

“You know me so well, old man,” Kertankuse replied sarcastically, “So why not just give up and make it easier on all of us?”

“Would you?” Jyron asked, taking the chance to free his sword and swing it at his opponent’s legs.

Nimbly jumping back, Kertankuse let out a frustrated cry. “Enough banter! I mean it. You won’t buy yourself any more time with words.”

With that, Kertankuse let out a vicious volley of blows. Jyron moved his blade to meet each one, but barely. Then, after one slice, Kertankuse brought in his spare fist and punched Jyron. Kertankuse took the momentary pause to spin him around , shove him to the wall, and smash his forehead into the stone. Dazed and vision blurred, Jyron suddenly found himself swordless and bending backwards over the windowsill.

“You know, I really did like you, your highness,” Kertankuse whispered. Suddenly, Jyron felt a sharp pain in his stomach as a blade went in and out; then he toppled out the window, and lost consciousness one last time before hitting the ground.

Edited January 19, 2012 by Rewjeo

[pegasusmage]

im not kidding...i actually NEED you to write more..

[Rewjeo]

Okay, new start to new rewrite. I AM keeping the prologue, but I'm changing it up quite a bit. There should be more happening. This obviously isn't the whole thing, but I'd like to get opinions before I go too far with it.

Lord Jyron, King of Gassad, again unable to sleep, looked out his window at the night. Dark clouds blotted out the full moon, and the handful of free stars gently illuminated the shape of the castle and the rustling woods beyond. Wind howled against the stones of the tower, and behind Jyron a dying flame flickered, warming the drafty castle in the early spring.

Then, in a burst of chaos, a hole opened up in the castle wall. Jyron dropped down by instinct. He rose again to see a sea of shadows rushing in through the breach, and a handful more forms scampered along the walls. The latter would be the Gassadian guards, caught slumbering at their posts. A burst of light flashed across the courtyard, revealing the blue armor of Guldar on the invaders, followed by the roll of thunder.

Jyron scanned the army in earnest. The rain wasn’t falling on the castle, but lightning kept flashing. The fleeing Gassadian guards collapsed, one by one, no doubt picked off by Guldaran archers. Their inattention had proved its own reward. Then, Jyron’s eyes caught the glint of white armor amongst the blue horde. Kertankuse, the White General of Guldar, had come.

~~~~~

Seloh shot up as a blast rocked his bunk in the castle barracks. He rolled out of bed and tore his sword and armor off the wall. He strapped on what he could quickly, tossed his helmet on haphazardly, and ran out of the room while tying his scabbard to his belt. His roommate, Slize, stumbled after him, still strapping one of his boots on. “Seloh!” he called, hopping behind.

Seloh turned around, and his sword started to fall out of its sheath. He fumbled to grab it, and as he did the whole scabbard came untied and dropped to the floor. Seloh winced as it clanged against the stone. He crouched down and checked to see if anyone had noticed before picking it back up. Slize, his boot all the way on, trotted up. “What on earth is going on?” he asked over the din of the chaotic barracks as Seloh reattached the scabbard to his belt.

“I don’t know,” Seloh said under his breath as they shuffled nervously around the gathering space in the barracks. Other soldiers trickled in a handful at a time, unsure as to whether or not there was a real threat, but for the most part the barracks grew quiet.

“Maybe it was just thunder? There were clouds rolling in earlier,” Slize suggested.

“Do you hear rain?” Seloh asked. “I don’t, and anything that would have made a sound like that would have to have been almost a direct hit on the castle. It would have to be raining.”

“Well…” Slize began. Thud. Thud. Thud. The two eyed each other. “Do you…?”

Thud. Thud. Thud. “Yeah…” Seloh answered. Thud. Thud. Thud. He felt his heart start pounding in his chest.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Slize looked up. The space was filling up with bewildered soldiers. Thud. Thud. Thud. “Seloh.” Slize put his hand on his sword. Thud. Thud. Thud.

All of a sudden, General Klyszyr, followed by a train of underlings, stormed into the space. “Soldiers! Prepare for battle!” his voice boomed throughout the barracks.

Some of it's rough, but hey, that's why I'm posting it here.

[eclipse]

Then, in a burst of chaos, a hole opened up in the castle wall. Jyron dropped down by instinct. He rose again to see a sea of shadows rushing in through the breach, and a handful more forms scampered along the walls.

I'd imagine he'd have to have his head pretty far out to see what was going on. It's also possible that my spatial sense is out of whack.

Wording nitpicks:

The Rain wasn’t falling on the castle, but lightning kept flashing.

“Do you hear rain?” Seloh asked. “I don’t, and anything that would have made a sound like that would have to have been almost a direct hit ondirectly above the castle. It would have to be raining.”

I've had a couple of weird instances when I heard thunderclaps directly overhead with no rain. It's rare, but it happens. I'd probably mention the fact that the castle shook as a sign that whatever hit the castle probably wasn't weather-related.

[Rewjeo]

I've had a couple of weird instances when I heard thunderclaps directly overhead with no rain. It's rare, but it happens. I'd probably mention the fact that the castle shook as a sign that whatever hit the castle probably wasn't weather-related.

Slize was actually going to mention that thunder can be directly overhead without rain before the thuds started going. I can fit more lines of dialogue in there to explain that stuff better.

Also, I realize I italicized the thuds but didn't transfer that over. Oops.

[Rewjeo]

Okay, full version but not proofread of the prologue. http://rewjeo-astorywithnoname.blogspot.com/2012/06/draft-2-prologue.html

Now I'm going to go sleep. I suspect I may facepalm at some typos when I read over it tomorrow, but that's what happens when you write during the middle of the night, right?

Edited June 24, 2012 by Rewjeo

[eclipse]

That did a better job of explaining things. You still have some proofreading to do!

[Rewjeo]

I've updated the prologue since then, so it should be better now if you want to read it again.

Otherwise, new chapter 1: http://rewjeo-astorywithnoname.blogspot.com/2012/06/chapter1-unwelcome-home.html

[Rewjeo]

http://rewjeo-astorywithnoname.blogspot.com/

Chapter 2! Which has not been entirely proofread and will probably have a new version up in a few days after I get some critique on it.