FE12 Low Level Run

[Parrhesia]

Warren is one of those guys who really should be a green unit, huh.

EDIT: Not just for the colour scheme.

Edited October 9, 2011 by Furetchen

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=CHAPTER THREE: Operation Matise]

Hey, is that more bonus options?

Huh. Well, I can't deploy you this chapter, but let's see what you-

Goddammit.

Ciaran gets some unwanted EXP and Catria gets a Hit Axe.

You know who could've used that?

CORD.

Oh, wait, his RANK is too SHIT.

Like his LUCK.

And his FACE.

I don't like Cord anymore.

GAME ON

Palla: Look over yonder, Julian! Marth's army has come to liberate the land!

Julian: Clearly the best way to aid them is for me to hide in this village while you fend off everything alone, cut off from the enemy.

... ... ... Fuck.

Right, everyone moves forward. Really not too hard to read into.

NEW UNITS RECEIVED

PALLA

Great bases, the more 'immediate use'-ish counterpart to Catria. She's also older, bulkier and has green hair, which means I like her more. And she's more attractive to me, a rare trait in a game of this artstyle.

This is what she's fighting.

Can't even use the silv- yeah, I got this.

Groceries Babe: Oh, that Matise! He's so dashing!

Ciaran: Hold on... Matise is here!

Marth: Matise?

Ciaran: Yeaaaaah! He's one of my bros from ages back!

Marth: Hmph... maybe he'll actually be worth recruiting unlike that useless slag Cord.

Ciaran: Who's Cord?

Marth: ... You know? That lumberjack guy?

Ciaran: ...Nope.

Marth: Oh, christ, Ciaran! You were whining to me about how you saw his dead body!

Ciaran: That was just some peasant who I killed! I was upset at how it affected the feng shui of the forest!

[beat]

Marth: Oh.

Meanwhile, everyone kept moving up the trail. Palla ignored the cavs and wiped out the drakes, getting silver lance and master seal as well as a HPStr level. Man, she will make a great general later on. The cavaliers trickled down at me.

I get Bord.

NEW UNITS RECEIVED

BORD

Have you ever seen someone scream more to be a pirate? Ever?

That skill bodes well, as does that rank. He'll have my hit axe, that's a certainty.

...

Hit Axe is a really stupid name. I'm considering forging it just to have it not be called a Hit Axe. By the way, for anyone too lazy to check (understandable), it's a D-rank Iron Axe with 120 hit. That's 40 more than Iron. That's around 15 more than I'd ever need.

Halle-fucking-luljah.

I managed to feed Bord three kills, and he didn't fuck any of them up. Not even the dreaded '80-ish' that lobbing a handaxe produced. Level was a tepid-but-useful HPStr.

CHEEKY FUCKER

NO YOU DON'T, BITCH

So he runs west.

WHY?!

As I'm running up the mountain, I have time for several small epiphanies.

Like, remember how I said "I finally got the Star Potion and dropsy"? I didn't. That was meant to be my prompt to remember this time. It failed.

Wait.

WHAT.

FUCK.

*back in turn 3*

YOU!

I'll do this tomorrow. I'm busy seething with rage now.

[eclipse]

Julian has the trollface. AWESOME.

[Integrity]

This continues to be the best thing ever.

Also I JUST noticed NEW UNITS RECEIVED and GAME ON.

and am disappointed that edit: should have been a c/editord's death didn't carry a casualty

Edited October 9, 2011 by Integrity

[Parrhesia]

Cord doesn't count as a person.

[Integrity]

Hey I like Cord. More than Bord, at least.

[Parrhesia]

I certainly used to.

But now Cord is dead to me. Forever.

Semi-update!

CHAPTER THREE: Fucking thief

I do the same everything. Ryan got Spd/Def which would have been useful on any other fucking chapter.

RIGHT, fuckers, just you try to-

wait.

Meh, I've got to do something anyway. This can wait.

Edited October 9, 2011 by Furetchen

[Blasied]

This, like everything you do, is extraordinarily epic.

I love you! *Stabbed by Lumi and incinerated by Studley*

[Parrhesia]

Update today sucks but Ch. 3 is worse. aaaagh

[spoiler=Right, let's do this again.]

EXP for Marth, EXP for Gordin, a Glass Lance...

WAIT

HIST

It must be destiny.

Clearly this bow can only be given to one man.

Let's break this shit in half. OORAH!

(Also, when Furet's a huntard again, he finally has a weapon replacing the abysmal 5 mt of iron with a remarkable 6 mt. Woo.)

FUCK THE POLICE

Bord actually got a draco kill on the way around the mountain this time. So did Linde.

Palla: So it's just, like, all us gerrrrrrls out here.

Catria: And Linde.

Palla: Huh?

Catria: Nevermind.

[beat]

Cecille: Like omigaaaaash have you seen like Bord running in a straight line with those shorts

Palla: ...

Catria: ...

Cecille: ...Because I totally did NAHT get any fantasies from that.

Little known fact about Linde: She weighs a hundred and fifty pounds at a modest height of five foot one. She is moved into battle by a combination of insistent prodding and promises of doughnuts.

Ciaran: Hate this chapter hate this chapter hate this cha- Ladies. Hate this chapter hate this chapter hate this. . .

Cecille frags a drake and doesn't get Strength because she secretly hates men.

Bord, busily engaged in his favourite pastime of 'endearing to me more than his late brother'.

Oh, these enemy cavalier tryhards. They make me laugh.

Wait, fuck, that's Matthis.

Julian: Matise!

Matthis: ...Um, do I know you?

Julian: Sure you do, Matise! I'm that thief guy, right? In the chapter with the really bad pun for a name? And you're ... well, you're Matise! You're practically a legend! An enigma, even!

Matthis: Uh...

Julian: A sex symbol!

Matthis: ... Wait, you're telling me I can get girls by joining your posse?

Julian: Um... I guess?

Matthis: Then I'm in! For... um... Matise can never resist the urge of... a true... guy.

Julian: Omigod omigod oh my GAWD! That's like his EXACT CATCHPHRASE, how did you EVEN KNOW

Matthis: I... obviously I would know. Being... Matise.

Julian: Sweet!

Totally Matise: (Heh heh heh... now I can finally achieve a date of my own! Victory is mi-)

Julian: But now you must prove yourself through feats of derring-do!

Matise: Wait what

Matise: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

[beat]

Ryuke: what the

what the fuck

was that

you idiot

Ryuke: like seriously

Matise: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Ryuke: Wait... hold on...

Ryuke: Flames... incinerating body... could this be the price of attacking... the amazing ... Matise?

Ryuke: Unable to speak... in full sentence form... urklgh

Everyone: VICTORY! VICTORY FOR THE MIGHTY MATISE!

Matise: Uh... yeah! Go me!

Linde: But I was ... but that... of... you...

Matise: Shove it, muffintop! This is my victory, and nothing can go wrong for me now!

Marth: At last, we have the perfect man to lead our vanguards!

Jagen: I concur! A man so powerful he needs nothing more than a pole to slay the mightiest of foes!

Matise: Fuck my life.

Right I got past that nightmare DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING MORE OF ME AAAAAAAGH fuck chapter 3 seriously

it isn't even hard

just so fucking tedious

The units I shall be deploying next chapter: Bord, Linde, Ciaran, Marth, Warren, Matise. Matise has nice (well, 8 str/13 def/D rank) stats as an armour, so I might put him there. Bord is an amazing pirate with 10 speed and 11 strength. Ciaran goes back to Huntard and takes Ryan's Bow. This should be easy.

Edited October 29, 2011 by Furetchen

[Integrity]

You make this look easy.

Wait, no you don't. BUT YOU DO MAKE IT LOOK FUN.

[eclipse]

What Jagen really said (loosely translated and super-formally):

Sir Marth. All the enemies in the castle have fled, but Queen Minerva does not seem to be here.

What you said:

I concur! A man so powerful he needs nothing more than a pole to slay the mightiest of foes!

I hate formal speech, so you win.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=CHAPTER 3x]

Wrys: Hey, this isn't Coffee Guru!

Claine: What a DERPTARDED FUCK. Like, SERIOUSLY. Let's KILL him and send him to the RAPE PITS.

Katarina: Um...

Marth: Alright, everyone, it's our duty to save Wrys!

Warren: Who?

Matise: Eh?

Marth: ... Alright, whatever, let's just enact Plan A: Go up!

Ciaran: Uh, Marth... I got a problem.

Marth: ... Okay, let's go back to base. Double time!

Finally we actually get our weapons in place. Matise gets HP/Str/Spd/Lck.

Bord I could kiss you right now so help me

Wrys: I got this.

Matise: Don't want help?

Wrys: Nahhhhhh.

Warren got HP/Str/Skl/Spd. Suddenly he becomes great.

Marth: Well, we beat the place. Which was...kind of pathetically easy.

Wrys: Ah, you have my thanks for saving me. Now I have my caffeine fix for the day.

Ciaran: Um, okay.

Wrys: Ah, your hair, it is a mess!

Ciaran: Well, I guess the stray locks are kind of annoying sometimes-

Wrys: Do not worry. I am no mere curate... I am a Master Barber!

Ciaran: Then... go ahead, I guess.

THE NEXT DAY

Marth: Dude, what's with the haircut?

Ciaran: That Wrys guy said he was a master barber. I took him up on it.

Marth: Uh... isn't that kind of extreme?

Ciaran: Eh?

Marth: No, seriously. You're, like, a fucking cueball.

Ciaran: ... ... . . . I AM GOING TO KILL HIM.

Supports time!

Linde: Nice hair, MORON.

Ciaran: I HATE YOU.

Warren: Heh, guess that helmet hair problem's never gonna strike up again.

Ciaran: I HATE YOU.

Marth: Still can't get over that haircu-

Ciaran: I HATE YOU.

Catria: Wanna go out and kiss in the middle of the battlefield?

Ciaran: I HATE YOU- wait, no, what?

Catria: Oh, okay. Goodbye.

Ciaran: No! WAIT! COME BAAAAAAAACK!!

Ciaran: So, wait, we're looking for Camus?

Jagen: No. We're looking for Sirius.

Ciaran: ... Well yeah, but he's basically Camus, right?

Jagen: We are LOOKING for SIRIUS.

Ciaran: Right, but they're the same-

Jagen: HIS NAME IS SIRIUS.

Ciaran: Goddammit.

Jagen: Lord Marth insisted we deliver this lance to you.

Matise: ... It's made of glass.

Jagen: Well, no other would be as excellent at the art of war as to use it adequately.

Matise: FUCK YOU ALL.

GUY     CLASS   Lvl   HP  Pwr Skl Spd Lck Def Res Rank

Marth   Fencer  7.58  27  9   10  10  9   8   0   D
Ciaran  Hunter  4.93  25  11  9   8   4   4   0   E
Warren  Hunter  5.21  25  9   8   9   1   5   0   D
Linde   Mage    6.09  22  5   7   8   9   2   4   D+Aura
Wrys    Mage    6.06  17  5   6   7   5   2   5   E
Draug   Cav     6.26  22  9   5   11  3   7   0   E/D
Matthis Cav     5.27  22  8   3   8   2   9   0   E/D
Julian  Thief   6.00  20  7   8   14  7   6   0   E
Luke    Merc    6.12  25  8   14  13  8   7   0   D
Bord    Pirate  4.82  20  11  7   10  3   6   0   C

[eclipse]

Oh man, this one's so awesome that I'm gonna do TWO!

First. . .what Marth really said:

Ciaran, I want to talk to you for a bit...

What you made him say:

Dude, what's with the haircut?

Close enough.

SECOND!

What Catria really said (loosely):

Nice to meet you. You're one of Lord Marth's soldiers...

What she said according to you:

Wanna go out and kiss in the middle of the battlefield?

If you ever get the opportunity to translate for IS, DO IT!

[Parrhesia]

I take your selection of quotes to mean that Claine actually called Wrys a 'derptarded fuck'.

[eclipse]

I think Kleine's giggling about killing stuff. . .so it sorta matches.

[Parrhesia]

Huh.

Also I feel like part 4.

[spoiler=Chapter 4]

When last we left off;

MATISE got an AWESOME WEAPON

SIRIUS TOTALLY ISN'T CAMUS

I'm BALD now

Oh, more Everybody's Conditions. Marth got strength and lolres (honestly quite convenient) and Linde gave me an Elixir.

We so excited. Let's get this started.

GAME ON

Ogma: Um... bad news about the holiday, princess. It's kind of being cancelled because everyone's trying to kill us and stuff.

Yubello: Does this mean no gift shop?

Ogma: Shut up, Yubello.

Meanwhile, Ciaran gets a level!

It's HP/Str/Spd/Def, so I'm pretty damn happy with it.

Yumina: We're badly outnumbered... we're gonna need backup!

Matise: THE FUCK

Yumina: Mighty warrior, do not harm us! I detected your presence with my Presence Detector (batteries not included each item sold seperately not suitable for pregnant or lactating women home-made no actual guarantee of being home-made) as the strongest fighter in the land.

Ogma: He looks like a piece of shit.

Yumina: Hush!

Matise: Um... okay, I guess I can try...and do... stuff.

Ogma: Whatever.

Ogma: Camus! Bro! Maaaan, it's been a long time.

Camus: Huh? Who?

Ogma: You know me, right? Ogma? The guy who established Gerik and shit? The 'Lightning Moustachio'?

Camus: Uh...

Ogma: ... Whatever, just fight with us.

Camus: Okay.

Frank: OH GOD RIGHT IN MY ARROGANCE FOR THINKING YOU WERE ON OUR TEAM

Ed: ABLARGH

Yumina: oh my christ what are you some kind of retard

Matise: OH GOD RIGHT IN THE OVARIES

Bernie: They blocked the village with a paladin. I have a slightly rusted scimitar. THIS WILL WORK.

Bernie: I... this... fuck you...

Ogma: TONIGHT... YOU!

Biff: Huh?

Biff: OH GOD IT'S A CALLBACK TO PREVIOUS ANIMATIONS

Biff: BLOOD ISN'T MEANT TO SPILL THAT FAR... or glow... like... that...

Ghebtwo: ENEMIES?! Rrrgh, why wasn't I notified of this?

Harry: Um... you totally were. Like, eight times. And the signal fire's been going for, like, hours.

Ghebtwo: IMPOSSIBLE! Now someone fetch me a Double Down while I get ready to smack heads!

Harry: ... Sir, can you even walk?

Ghebtwo: i eat to try and hide from the pain

Harry: Rrrright you are then.

Marth: Castor! Where the fuck were you, man?

Castor: I... might have been hiding. A little bit.

Marth: Well, that stops now. Any excuses about your 'poor dear mama', you can shove 'em up your ass.

Castor: Pfft, fuck off. I was just in it because of my addiction to prescription painkillers.

Marth: Also, I'm holding a sword and you're unarmed and I'm prepared to kill you if you don't fucking join again so help me.

Castor: GLAD I COULD HELP SIR

Marth: Good man.

Warren: Man, this cleric is so hot. Everyone's scabbing heals off her. Like, people are trying to get INJURED to be healed by her.

Ogma: She's twelve.

Warren: I know, man, forbidden fruit! I love that shit. I'm SO into that shit.

Ogma: She's also my charge and I'll murder you if you lay a hand on her.

Warren: ... Right. Yeah, good thing that... I...

Ogma: You just said you were into scat porn and worded it poorly. I understand.

Warren: hate you so much

Matise: *sigh* May as well TRY to look the part... GLASS SPEAR TIME, GO

Ghebtwo: How the fuck... did that even...

Marth: All healed and ready to go!

Yumina: nobody bothered to heal me

Marth: Shut up. Let's get out of here!

Jagen: So like I found this hair regrowth thing or something. I was gonna give it to Wrys but I figured you might be intereste-

Ciaran: Now can we kill Wrys yet?

Yumina: So Yubello, I figure I could stay the medic for a while... then again, magic is always nice to have. What do you think? You could trade with me. You could even have a horse!

Yubello: No, nothing that petty.

Yubello: But this... this is my DESTINY.

[beat]

Yumina: Right. I'm off to the arena, then.

Yumina: Hey, hold on! We're almost out of cash!

Guy: Yeah, the bald man spent most of it.

Yumina: Bald... what?! That lying, snivelling-

Wrys: I AM ETERNAL.

Yumina: Ffff-

Warren: Yeah, me too!

Yumina: Shut up, Warren.

Warren: Aw.

MEANWHILE

Luke: Um... guys?

[tumbleweed]

Luke: Guys?

GUY     CLASS   Lvl   HP  Pwr Skl Spd Lck Def Res Rank

Marth   Fencer  7.67  27  9   10  10  9   8   0   D
Ciaran  Hunter  5.35  26  12  9   9   4   5   0   E
Castor  Hunter  7.00  24  10  7   10  4   6   0   C
Gordin  Hunter  6.31  24  10  8   8   5   5   0   D
Linde   Mage    6.67  22  5   7   8   9   2   4   D+Aura
Yumina  Cleric  5.36  18  4   3   9   11  3   6   C
Draug   Cav     6.37  22  9   5   11  3   7   0   E/D
Shiida  Cav     6.58  22  7   6   16  15  9   0   E/D
Julian  Thief   6.30  20  7   8   14  7   6   0   E
Yubello Pirate  1.11  20  7   1   11  5   5   0   E
Bord    Fighter 4.82  24  11  9   8   3   5   0   C

[eclipse]

What Marth really said:

Hey, it's Castor. What the hell are you doing here?

What you said:

Castor! Where the fuck were you, man?

Now hurryap and join the translation team!

[Integrity]

oh my god chapter 4 had me tearing thank you furetchen you are the best

[Rothene]

Must...make heavy use of...MATISE...on a Normal Playthrough...for he's full of WIN!

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=Chapter 5]

LAST TIME on THIS

WARREN went through the ARENA and became ALMOST GOOD

SAME with WRYS

SHIIDA apparently JOINED UP

Lang: The enemy is forming up! That I want to kill for some reason!

Torus: What? But... how could they possibly suspect two such legitimate-looking gentlemen as us?

Lang: I know not. Shoot them the moment they appear! We shall continue to use rubbish-but-upgraded blonde prepromotes from the last game with shaky loyalties to harry the foeman.

Torus: Sir!

Bord: Dude, bro! It's been a while, man!

Barst: Huh. Doesn't Ogma usually recruit me here?

Bord: Eh?

Barst: Oh, nothing. Where's Cord?

Bord: Dunno, mate, I dunno. I asked the green haired dude, he told me he 'died or something'.

Barst: Weird. Guess I'd better join up then.

Bord: Yup.

Barst: A'ight. ... Why was I wearing red again?

Bord: Dude, who even cares

Barst: Yeah I know right

Barst: Right, time to impress!

Rickard: Wait what no-

Barst: MAN, I am ON FIRE today.

Bord: Um... that was actually... uh...

Barst: Yeah, brah?

Bord: Ah, don't worry about it.

Yubello: This is the start of a new age!

Joe: Is... is that a frying pan?

Yubello: No! maybe

OH MY CHRIST BORD

Yubello: 'Though I walk into the valley of death...

Draug: Uh, Yubes?

Yubello: My heart is strong... my eye is keen... my hair is the colour of suet...

Draug: Yubello?

Yubello: I AM YUBELLO! THE GODS TREMBLE BEFORE ME!

Toras: You're an idiot. Also four hundred and forty-five.

Yubello: He's...probably right...rosebud...

Bord: We're goin' on a drake hunt

Cadre: We're goin' on a drake hunt

Barst: We're gonna catch a big one

Cadre: We're gonna catch a big one

Shiida: I'm not scared!

Barst and Bord: I'm not scared!

Castor: Shit, I am.

Barst: Get back here!

Linde: They killed Yubello... Charge, in his memory!

Draug: Meh, he was asking for it.

Julian: Who's Yubello?

Ciaran: Nah, that involves me doing something.

Linde: Fuck you all, I'm doing this shit solo.

Marth: Quickly, we're under fire!

Ciaran: Scatter?

Marth: No, you fool! Move into the highly defensible 'file' formation!

Julian: Gon' shank the SHIT out of this ballista!

Tony: Hey, you kids get off my lawn!

Barst: Y'all ready for this?

Castor: uh

Barst: Alright, time for the spectacular warcry of the Barst Clan! TIME TO BAKE THE PIES!

[beat]

Shiida: What the fuck was that?

Barst: AAAGH IT WORKED IT WORKED FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Toras: I wish I'd remembered... to turn the stove off...

Gordin: Wait... I OWN a CONSTELLATION?

Linde: ...No, you don't. That's just a rock.

Gordin: Oh. Damn it.

Walder: Uh... am I late for something?

Marth: Whatever, just shank the guy and let's get out of here.

Luke: Hah... hah... g-guys... I'm back...

Ciaran: You left?

Luke: You left me in the desert to fend for myself! My last square meal was a scorpion sandwich, and the sandwich bread was MY LEFT CALF.

Ciaran: Cool. Let's get to it, then.

Luke: *sigh* I hate you all so much.

MEANWHILE

Damian: Are we missing something?

Jeorge: Nahhhh.

Ryan is 7.63, Catria 7.65, Castor 7.67. Each vies for my last slot, and Ryan is the shittiest of them. Tempting to just arena him once, but no. Alas.

I'm kinda relieved to find out Shiida can recruit Santo. I thought I was gonna have to break the rules (only a little: Ogma's like 8.07 IIRC) to recruit him.

GUY     CLASS   Lvl   HP  Pwr Skl Spd Lck Def Res Rank

Marth   Fencer  8.07  28  10  11  10  11  9   0   D
Matise  Armour  7.27  24  10  4   2   3   14  0   D
Ciaran  Hunter  6.15  27  13  10  10  4   5   0   E
Ryan    Hunter  7.63  25  8   10  10  4   4   0   D
Linde   Mage    7.44  22  5   7   8   9   2   4   D+Aura
Yumina  Cleric  7.16  18  4   4   11  11  4   7   C
Luke    Merc    7.49  26  9   15  14  8   8   0   D
Shiida  Cav     6.88  22  7   6   16  15  9   0   E/D
Julian  Thief   7.50  21  7   9   14  8   6   0   E
Bord    Pirate  5.85  21  11  8   11  3   7   0   C
Barst   Fighter Forgot to note; basically at base

Edited October 29, 2011 by Furetchen

[eclipse]

What Bord really said:

Dude, what the fuck are you doing here?

What you said:

Dude, bro! It's been a while, man!

And then. . .

What Toras really said:

General Lang! It's-it's the Altean army!

What you said:

What? But... how could they possibly suspect two such legitimate-looking gentlemen as us?

You made him sound like less of a pansy. I approve.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=Chapter 6]

LAST TIME on HERE

YUBELLO was an IDIOT

BARST discovered FRIENDLY FIRE

KIDS FAILED to get off OLD MAN'S LAWN

Lang: Hm... we're under attack. Men, fetch me my cutprice mercenaries!

Lang: Who the fuck are you, hippy?

Nabarl: My name is, um, Nabarl!

Lang: Nabarl... that sounds suspiciously similar to Navarre, but...

Nabarl: I'm from New Zealand. We just use the NoE translations.

Lang: Hmph! Say 'fish and chips'.

Nabarl: Fush and chups.

Lang: Your credentials are solid, 'Nabarl'. Very well, then. Get out there and bring me Balor's head!

Nabarl: R-right!

Tedward: Aha! My cunning arraignment of strategical elegancy has to fruition arrived! Whoever attacks me shall be smote down by the swarm from the north!

Ciaran: That guy's smiling weirdly. Let's just run past him.

Tedward: Goddammit.

Paul: I talk to the trees... they hide the pain away...

Ryan: Hello friends!

MEANWHILE, ON THE LEFT FLANK, INCOMPETENCE

Jagen: Sir, Matise took one look at those magi and soiled his armour.

Marth: ... I'm sure that ties into some strategy.

Jagen: No, sir.

Marth: Are you sure he doesn't want us to dip our arrows into it and then infect Lang with-

Jagen: No, sir! Truth be told, I'm beginning to have doubts about that man.

Marth: Feh. You and your 'doubts' are what kept the rest of us underlevelled while you went and near-soloed the entire last war.

Jagen: My proudest hour, sir.

Marth: Samson LOST five levels!

Jagen: His heart was never really into it anyway, sir.

Marth: We came into the central chamber and all we found was a head on a torso with one leg sticking out of the left shoulder!

Jagen: I knew the risks I was taking, sir. Besides, I killed the bugger, didn't I?

Marth: *sigh* I guess so.

Keegan: This is a brilliant PlaAARGHH

Dale: Nothing could possibly go wroaaAAAGH

Bord: AW YEAH, CRIT TIME BABY

Joe: Wait, wait! I'll do anything! I'll sell my children, I'll be your slave, I'll DANCE the MACARENA!

Joe: DEAR GOD MY GOLD-GLOWING BLOOD

Bord: I AM THE BEST.

Ciaran: Well that's one Bishop down-

Ryan: Yay!

Ciaran: -so I guess I can get ready to draw this fucker ouDEAR GOD IT BURNS

Ciaran: PAIN... HURTS!

Frey: ... Man, these guys suck. Should we bail them out?

Norne: This article is about the wardrobe malfunction. For the 155th episode of the sitcom Seinfeld, see The Muffin Tops.

Frey: I concur!

Marth: Frey! I thought you were dead!

Frey: Fit as a fiddle, sir.

Marth: And Norne! I thought you never canonically existed!

Norne: The term apparently originated from the bingo hall custom of raising one's arm aloft and bellowing "House!".

Marth: Glad to hear it! Now let's take this castle!

Ciaran: AHA, MOTHERFUCKER! EVEN WITH YOUR HEALING I CAN STILL KICK YOUR ASS!

Norne: Though a similarly named muscle, the triceps surae, is found on the lower leg, the triceps brachii is commonly called the "triceps".

Tedward: I... never knew that... how fascinating...

Ciaran: F... fuck you, Norne!

Norne: The band's music is often categorized as a blend of atmospheric 1980s post punk and dream pop.

Ciaran: So much!

Quinn: H-hey! Defenceless clergyman here!

Ryan: Whoopee!

Quinn: AAAAAAAAGH

Sam: Hey, you aren't the pizza men!

Sam: aahgAAIGH

Luke: ... Was that the Wilhelm Scream?

Sam: Give me a break... it was that or Howard Dean...

Nabarl: (Argh, this is hopeless... they'll knock down the door any minute now! I need to think of good last words... brave. Strong. MANLY last words.)

Nabarl: DON'T HURT ME, I'M PREGNANT!

Shiida: Um... aren't you Nabarl? That guy who killed Lena in the last war?

Nabarl: Uh... nope! I'm... um... (oh man, who was that guy that just died in that room over there?)

Nabarl: Sam Two!

My name is... Samtwo. Samto.

Shiida: No, you're Nabarl. I like totally saw you. You were wearing red and everything.

Nabarl: WELL TOO DAMN BAD BITCH 'CAUSE THAT AIN'T MY NAME

Shiida: And I saw you hurriedly changing. Like, for five minutes. You know, you might not be much of a swordsman, but between the legs you sure have what it-

Nabarl: OKAY, OKAY! ... Look, I'll join your army. Will that make things better?

Shiida: ... Sure?

Nabarl: Okay then! Then it's settled! (Man... now I just have to hope they don't send me into the front lines to actually fight. Maybe I won't have to fight at all because I'm so inept and useless!)

Shiida: Oh, and Lord Marth favours a policy of communist training. You look kind of awful at fighting, but I figure after a few brushes with death you'll be a master bladesman!

Samto: FUCK.

Continued next post...

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler='Chapter 6, part 2]

Julian: Runnin' runnin' runnin' runnin' run...nin'...ruh... aw, fuck.

Julian: Aha!

Jiminy: Aargh, my kneecaps! My only weakness beyond my intentionally abysmal attributes!

Matise: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Matthis: AAAAAAAAGH

Frey: AAAAAAAAGH

Luke: I am so cool.

Luke: Not even that. I am a GOD amongst MEN.

Samto: Might as well anyway... AAAAAAGH

Clem: Wow, it worked... well played, sir...

Samto: Holy shit, I killed someone! AHAHA!

Samto: Now to take out my angst on defenceless clergymen! Huzzah!

Gazza: What the hell man... thought we were bros...

Lang: Uh... shouldn't it be Marth fighting me? Since we're sworn enemies and stuff?

Bord: Yeah... but I have the hammer.

Lang: Aha! I spurn your hammer!

Bord: No!

Lang: You'll end up just like your brother if you keep missing like that!

Bord: What?! What do you know about my brother? Tell me, NOW!

Lang: They left him dead and unburied because he kept missing... missing like you are now, in fact!

Bord: Aagh! It's unfair, you shield-having bitch! And it's not true! It can't be true!

Barst: Dude, cool it! It says he has Cancer, and it's glowing! He's gonna die, just wait for it, man!

Matise: Yeah, man, just wait it out!

Reece: I respectfully concur

Norne: Due to long hours of hard work and insufficient food and care, Iqbal was undersized.

Luke: The crazy chick is right! We wouldn't do a thing like that to your brother... um... Rurik!

Darren: actually his name was cord

Luke: I knew that.

Bord: They're... they're right. As long as my friends stand by my side... I can win this! Your lies are meaningless! Of course they wouldn't do something like that!

Bord: Fuck...

Bord: YOU!!!

Lang: Ah... to die here... is no shame...

Bord: And now I'm going to DANCE on your GRAVE where you WON'T BE BURIED because we WON'T BURY YOU!

Lang: ... Okay, so maybe there is a little sha-

Bord: Oh, SHUT UP.

Lang: sudghisocj

Bord: Oh...!

Barst: Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

Matise: That shit's contagious, man?! Aaaah!

Samto: Um...

Samto: You, unarmed clergyman! What's going on here?

Larry: It's just a rock... and you're all idiots...

Samto: A rock, then. You should be fine.

Marth: At last... security. Relaxation. Progress.

Gordin: Sir, we're surrounded by masked men! And Caesar and Radd for some reason!

Marth: GODDAMMIT, GORDIN!

TO BE CONTINUED...

GUY     CLASS   Lvl   HP  Pwr  Skl  Spd  Lck  Def  Res Rank

Marth   Fencer  8.44  28  10   11   10   11   9    0   D
Shiida  Cav     7.51  22  7    7    17   16   9    0   E/D
Samto   Cav     6.70  25  8+2  3    7    3    10+3 0   C/E
Bord    Pirate  7.49  23  12   8    13   4    7    0   C
Barst   Fighter 7.29  28  12   11   12   7    7    0   D
Ciaran  Hunter  6.86  27  13   10   10   4    5    0   E
Norne   Archer  6.30  21  8    6    10   7    7    0   D

Edited October 29, 2011 by Furetchen

[eclipse]

What Caeda really said:

Wait, you're not Nabarl!

What you had her say:

Um... aren't you Nabarl? That guy who killed Lena in the last war?

NICE.

[Parrhesia]

Heh, figures.

Just going to do a character summary or something now

cause I'm bored

MARTH

Favoured Class: Fencer

He's Marth, and I can lean on him a lot later on. I just probably won't. Mine still hasn't gained speed (IIRC), but there's time.

CIARAN

Favoured Class: Hunter -- Promoting To: Sniper -- Chances of Promoting: Confirmed

Ciaran is a lot like Marcus in the hands of someone who doesn't know how to use a Jagen. I have an utter killface at my disposal, but he MUST NOT GET EXPERIENCE AT ANY COST. I realised after a while I'd been overcompensating, so I've since eased up and given him a couple of levels. Definitely one of my best units, definitely going to be one of my best.

LUKE

Favoured Class: Merc/Cav -- Promoting To: Paladin -- Chances of Promoting: Confirmed

Luke made very good use of Steel Swords and kind of murdered a little too much in Ch. 6, so he's on the sidelines for a while. Still, he's good to have around, and will make a powerful promoted unit.

RODY

Favoured Class: Cavalier -- Promoting To: Paladin -- Chances of Promoting: Confirmed

Rody... I don't really remember, besides he's overlevelled and kicks ass. He's promoting, for sure, and can dip into Drake Knight when he needs to.

CECILLE

Favoured Class: Cavalier -- Promoting To: Paladin or Falcon Knight -- Chances of Promoting: Possible

Cecille's not very good, and the low strength isn't helping. She might get a Whip, though, but that depends more on other people sucking more than her own successes. I like her, though, so she's in with a shot.

ARRAN

Favoured Class: General or Drake Knight or Berserker or Sniper or fuck even Bishop

oh god getting this fucker back is going to be FUN TIMES FOR ALL

GORDIN

Favoured Class: Hunter -- Promoting To: Sniper -- Chances of Promoting: Unlikely

As much as I love Gordin, his niche appears to be 'great bowman until Castor happens'. And his growths are pretty poor. He hasn't been deployed much and I'm kinda concerned he's just gonna end up shit. Will become a Sniper, maybe a General. If I have to wall later, every lancer and archer I have is a potential General.

RYAN

Favoured Class: Hunter -- Promoting To: Warrior -- Chances of Promoting: Unlikely

Ryan hasn't gained a single point of strength. His growth is 50% as an Archer and 60% as a Hunter. He's level 8, maybe 9. The insane speed he's getting for no reason isn't salvaging him. Might promote, but if that strength problem persists, it might only be to wall as a General. Besides, I'm biased against him.

DRAUG

Favoured Class: Cavalier -- Promoting To: Paladin -- Chances of Promoting: Probable

Draug's growths are pretty solid (40 def, 40 str, 60 spd) and his bases are superb. He hasn't levelled much, but he's probably gonna be promoted, and probably to Paladin to make use of that speed. Given that it's NM he may even double as a General.

MALICIA

Favoured Class: Soldier -- Promoting To: Super Recruit -- Chances of Promoting: Unlikely

The site listed her in the recruitment section, but I'm not sure who she is. Oh, well, probably wasn't important.

CATRIA

Favoured Class: Cavalier -- Promoting To: Paladin -- Chances of Promoting: Very Likely

Catria is pretty great. Hasn't done much at all, though, so far, besides be slightly too weak for my tastes. If she's promoting she's staying Paladin, maybe going Drake unless she needs to take a whip instead.

WARREN

Favoured Class: Hunter -- Promoting To: Sniper -- Chances of Promoting: Plausible

Warren's got a small cushion to work with. He was looking bad for a while, then got Str a few times in a row. If he keeps lucky, he stands a good chance of promoting to Sniper, and with his strength I predict that will end well.

CORD

Favoured Class: Myrmidon -- Promoting To: Swordmaster -- Chances of Promoting: Somewhat Doubtful

What could've been? Who even cares?

LINDE

Favoured Class: Mage -- Promoting To: Sage -- Chances of Promoting: Confirmed

I need a good mage, and Linde sure as hell is one. She's been in most (all?) maps so far, and has performed admirably except for Ch. 3 but fuck Ch. 3.

PALLA

Favoured Class: Cavalier -- Promoting To: Falcon Knight/General/Paladin -- Chances of Promoting: Confirmed

Guaranteed a whip, not least because I like the girl. Only problem is her moderately awful speed growth. Helps that she's the strongest of the peg brigade, because fuck Est.

BORD

Favoured Class: Pirate -- Promoting To: Berserker or Hero -- Chances of Promoting: Confirmed

Bord is amazing and I will fight anyone who disagrees to the death. Seriously, how much fucking speed... his growth's 30 as a fighter and 50 as a pirate. His HP growth's 100 in either, which is a nice touch. And that Hammer... dear god, that Hammer.

I love you, Bord.

JULIAN

Favoured Class: Thief

The Good: decent bases, no need for promotion, thief utility

The Bad: E rank swords.

Basically sums him up. The moment he gets steel he'll like double in usefulness.

MATISE

Favoured Class: Cavalier/Armour -- Promoting To: General, Sniper, or both -- Chances of Promoting: Obligated To

For a character I've built such a mystique around, Matise is pretty awful. He isn't even the worst. Dear god, how I wish this was as bad as it got. He has Steel Lances and can kinda tank decently well. Can't really do much else. Bad growths, unless he's a Sniper or a Hero, in which case they're mediocre. Sniper might prove the best way to give him an offence, but it wastes his defence. Seems like a 'depending on the map' guy.

WRYS

Favoured Class: Mage -- Promoting To: Warrior -- Chances of Promoting: Nope

I refuse to promote Wrys. It's all about rushing him to 20 and never having to pick him up again.

He might not entirely fail if I have him zap things. Maybe.

OGMA

Favoured Class: Mercenary -- Promoting To: Swordmaster or Paladin, depending on speed -- Chances of Promoting: Likely

I'm going to put my prior experiences (Doubled as a Hero by Ch. 21 wyverns) aside and say that I'll probably promote the Lightning Finlander. Besides, I like the guy. He just needs not to be awful.

YUMINA

Favoured Class: Mage or Cleric -- Promoting To: Sage -- Chances of Promoting: Confirmed

Need a good healer. She is one, and also a decent combatant. Magic is low, but it doesn't matter for now. Definitely going to have to be a sage, though.

YUBELLO

Favoured Class: Pirate -- Promoting To: Berserker -- Chances of Promoting: Mildly Unlikely

... You know, he wasn't actually that bad a pirate at base. 11 speed is pretty damn nice.

SIRIUS

Favoured Class: Paladin/General/Sniper/Hero

I like a man who can be anything. In Sirius' case, he won't be anything for a while.

CASTOR

Favoured Class: Hunter -- Promoting To: Sniper -- Chances of Promoting: Fairly Likely

All flavours of bland, but he's pretty good. Growths are mediocre. By now he's just a better Gordin, in any event.

SHIIDA

Favoured Class: Cavalier -- Promoting To: Paladin or General -- Chances of Promoting: Very Likely

I really do not like Shiida's statspread. Still, she's undeniably very, very good. Just needs female soldiers to be playable with decent stats...

BARST

Favoured Class: Fighter/Pirate -- Promoting To: Hero/Berserker -- Chances of Promoting: Confirmed.

Will be a Pirate on the maps where Bord isn't deployed, but as it stands I don't have the space. Pretty amazing at everything.

RICKARD

Favoured Class: Great Lord

Who?

FREY

Favoured Class: Cavalier -- Promoting To: Sniper -- Chances of Promoting: Confirmed.

Growth unit, which is ... very inconvenient in this run, but he is still solid. I have no complaints.

He promotes to Sniper for personal preference. So will Cain and Abel.

NORNE

Favoured Class: Cavalier -- Promoting To: Sniper -- Chances of Promoting: Probable.

Female bowmen are shafted so much in 12. No Hunter is the most crippling, but no Horsemen deprives them of movement and hell, even no Warrior is inconvenient. I don't usually tend to use female bowmen anyway, but now I have to, and I've always been indifferent/slightly positive towards Norne's personality. If she can get out of Archer, and quickly, she's in there for good. Possibly my most likely unit to get an early promotion. Norne's stats are alright, but she has boobs in a game where that's a bad thing.

SAMTO

Favoured Class: Cavalier, maybe Merc if he gets speed -- Promoting To: Hero -- Chances of Promoting: Doubtful, but I like him

He's pretty awful for now, but with a lot of defence and decent strength, that can go a long way. So does doubling with an armourslayer. Bad unit, good rank. Samto might promote just because I like him and he'll probably make at least an okay Hero.

WENDELL

Favoured Class: Bishop

He's a level 7 promoted mage. I have better things to worry about.